Original subtitles

Well, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell.

But I've been seen with Farrah.

I've never been with anything less than a nine.

So fine.

I've been on fire with Sally Field.

Gone fast with a girl named Bo.

But somehow they just don't end up as mine.

It's a death-defying life I lead.

I take my chances.

I die for living in the movies and TV.

But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my leading

ladies kiss some other guy while I'm bandaging my knee.

I might fall from a tall building.

I might roll a brand new car.

Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Redfoot such a star.

I've never spent much time in school.

But I've taught ladies plenty.

It's true I hire my body out from pay.

Hey, hey.

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Teague's blown-up poor rockin' welch.

But when I wind up in the heavens.

It's only hay.

Hey, hey.

I might jump an open drawbridge.

Or Tarzan from a van.

Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine.

You

are a recognized expert and my principles will accept your authentication.

Thank you for coming, Mr. Connors.

It is important that I know the value of certain items...

before I can send them home to Hong Kong.

There must be some mistake, Mr. Su.

I'm an art historian.

I know very little about coffins.

A coffin is merely a shipping container for the items that I mention.

My God.

Magnificent.

Now these are superb examples of the Ming Dynasty, Mr. Su.

They are genuine?

Without a doubt.

I'm happy to hear that, Mr. Connors.

You see, I've paid several million dollars to obtain them.

The Chinese government would never release art objects of this quality.

They must be stolen.

That is not my concern or yours.

Once this coffin is locked and sealed for shipment...

I trust you will forget what you have seen.

Silence can often be an expensive commodity.

But I am prepared to pay the price.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

You look great in a tux coat.

Yeah, the perfect stunt double.

Do you guys want a raise?

No, it's too bad.

What's too bad?

Well, you do all the stunts, but you never get the women.

Huh.

Never say never.

You guys ready?

I can hardly wait.

Timing's critical.

Are you telling me?

I'm watching from the chopper, people.

Make it scintillating.

Remember, we want to convey a sense of danger.

So don't be careful.

Jody?

Yeah?

Howie?

Right, Colt?

What the man said about not being careful.

Forget it.

Okay, now!

Great, Colt!

We did it!

I'll start back.

Send in the chopper.

I need a ride.

Excellent, Colt.

Do you need anything?

Yeah, I got somebody to change the light bulb in my trailer ceiling.

Why don't you get on a ladder and do it yourself?

I'm afraid of heights.

You know, working this picture is really terrific.

First Morocco, and now here, and tomorrow, Fragrant Harbor.

I thought we were going to Hong Kong.

Jody, Fragrant Harbor is the Chinese for Hong Kong.

Whoa, everywhere we go.

Another lecture from the Howard Munson School of Foreign Travel Tips.

Hey, the era of the ugly American is over.

We have to understand other people's cultures if we expect to communicate.

Well, I didn't need to know a word of Arabic

to know what that Moroccan sheik had in mind.

Hey, look who's here.

It's Mata Ban, and Pliny O'Toole, and Mary Goodnight, the original Ban girls.

Nobody told me they were going to be in this picture.

Wow.

Hi.

Hi.

Same way.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Colt.

Hi.

Hi, Jody.

Hi, Colt.

I saw the stunt.

You haven't changed a bit.

You're still going for the brass ring.

Nah.

Hey.

Hi, Lana.

I'm always amazed at how easy you make everything look.

Oh, Colt.

Aren't you sweet?

Oh, Colt.

Hi, Brenda.

Hi, Colt.

Still keeping you in great shape.

I thought Ban got all the women.

Colt.

Uh...

Oh, excuse me.

Uh...

These are my associates, Hallie Munson, Jody Banks.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Hallie.

Oh, you were so good as Pliny O'Toole.

Well, actually, I wasn't Pliny O'Toole.

I was Mata Ban, but that's okay.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

I don't know why I could have forgotten that.

I saw all the Ban pictures.

One thing I'll never forget.

Your performance as Mary Goodnight.

Hallie, I was Mary Goodnight.

Uh, kid, why don't you, uh, try taking your

foot out of your mouth and using it for walking?

Away.

We have a long flight.

You better start the packing.

Why have we not received the shipment of the Ming Dynasty vases?

What do you mean, they've disappeared?

Ah, your gum young young, the younger.

Our correspondent in the United States seemed to have misplaced the Ming Dynasty

vases and lost the only person who may know where they are.

What, the American?

Barry Connors?

Rotten luck.

Rotten luck.

A sublime term for catastrophe.

Have you ever held a genuine Ming vase in your hands?

I can't recall.

It would have been an unforgettable experience.

The touch, the texture, the design.

All in perfect harmony.

And all very valuable.

More valuable than life itself.

You see, the Ming vases are irreplaceable.

And life.

Chen Ying, I must return to headquarters.

Where you will put the machinery in motion to find Connors.

After all, as a member of the Hong Kong police, you do have certain prerogatives.

One of them being a direct line to your American counterparts.

I'll do what I can.

No, Inspector.

You will do what I ask.

Now, how soon?

When will you find an answer from the United States?

Well, within hours, if experience is any guide.

Excellent.

Now, as soon as you hear... I will let you know.

Don't get upset.

It's my money, too.

Inspector Lloyd, please remember what happened to your predecessor.

As you say, he tried to double-cross me.

And I value our friendship much too much.

Colt Sievers, residence.

This is Barry Connors.

Barry Connors?

You have a lot of nerve calling me.

Hey, how'd you get this number, anyway?

From your answering service.

Listen, pal, I'm out a lot of money because you jumped bail.

I couldn't stay in Los Angeles.

Well, where are you?

Hong Kong.

Hong Kong?

Like in China?

It's the only place I could come to clear myself.

Yeah.

But I didn't know what I was getting into coming here.

I'm like a walking target.

Listen, Barry, listen to me closely.

I think I have someone who can help you.

His name is Colt Sievers.

He's a stuntman.

He's working on a new Bond picture over there in Hong Kong.

You call him.

You tell him I sent you, all right?

Terry, you're terrific.

And listen, you get back every penny.

By the way, I am innocent.

I know, Barry.

They're all innocent.

Terry, this is an expensive call for you.

I mean, even the Pacific Ocean can't keep us apart.

You won't make jokes when I tell you how you did it.

So you can collect a quick $5,000.

Terry, I'm not chasing after someone for you in Hong Kong, okay?

Well, now, that's the beautiful part.

You see, Barry Connors is coming right to you.

Me?

What for?

Well, I told him you'd help him out of his trouble.

Come on, that's dirty pool, Terry.

Well, yeah, when it comes to somebody jumping

bail, I guess it's the only game in town.

Listen, all you have to do is grab him and take him to the American consulate.

All right, all right, you got it.

The Ming vase is a right here.

Under our noses.

Now, how do you know that?

Barry Connors has been seen in Hong Kong, Chen Ying.

Well, he's a wanted man, and you are the police.

What are you gonna do about it?

I have an all-points bulletin out.

Young Connors will be killed escaping arrest.

After he leads us to the missing Ming vases, of course?

Of course.

Our customer will be here in three days.

He's already advanced us $2 million.

So he dare not disappoint him.

We shall not.

Connors was lucky enough to elude the police and send

the Ming vases here by means only known to himself.

But his good fortune is fast running out, and ours, fast running in.

Hi, Leo.

Hi.

We're gonna have to shoot that scene tomorrow.

The special bond effect's gonna be ready.

Watch this.

Watch this.

Wow, that's terrific.

Only the beginning.

The laser controls the car's movements.

It'll go in any direction that you point the camera.

Let me try that.

It's a good way to get run over.

Yeah, I see that.

What happens after it hits me?

It'll come back for more.

It's nice.

Very nice.

Colt, I have you all to myself.

What are you doing?

I need you to help me.

Or I might be killed.

I need you to get a message to Seavers for me.

It's life or death.

You honestly know Colt?

Terry Michael sent me.

Terry Michaels?

He'll understand.

Now, what about the special car stuff?

We have a great smoke gag.

Oh.

That's the right smoke.

We also have a left smoke gun.

Thanks for telling me, Leo.

Wait a minute.

Now, who are you?

Barry Connors.

Barry Connors.

And you honestly think somebody's trying to kill you?

Yes.

I may even have been followed here.

I know this whole thing sounds crazy, but my life is on the line.

I need to trust you.

Well, all right.

I'll help you.

There's a side door out of here.

Thanks.

You tell Colt.

I'll meet him at number 11, Wise Dragon Lane.

What about the watch?

Well...

acts as a locating device.

And it's magnetic.

Good.

I have a scanner that picks up the signal.

It would definitely... Barry Connors.

If I could not get near him.

Yes, yes.

Your perseverance paid off.

But stay alert, you hear?

All right.

Well, one of my men saw Connors... enter this golden stage studio.

Did he get him?

No, couldn't get near him.

Some woman helped him escape.

Bloody bad luck.

Who is she?

She may be a buyer.

Inspector Lloyd, we cannot permit...

those vassals to fall into the wrong hands again.

I'll get one of my men to apprehend her.

Number 11, Wise Dragon Lane.

Yes, and it's not a very nice area.

I remember it from the last time I made a film here.

It's the sort of place where anything's for sale... at the right price.

Sounds like Hollywood.

With an egg roll on this side.

Why would you believe Barry Connors?

Darling, he's too starstruck to lie.

Will you help him, Colt?

Who could turn down a proposition from Joanna Pettit?

Thanks.

Here it is.

Wise Dragon Lane.

It's right between Norfolk and Shropshire.

Help, Colt!

Joanna.

He's got a gun on her.

Come on, get in the bond car.

Watch her from the chopper, Jody.

Colt, this car is not ready to use.

Well, it's time for a field test.

Jody, keep an eye on her in case we lose her.

Leo should appreciate this.

Appreciate what?

Giving his stuff a tryout.

My fire.

But we have to catch it first.

Hold on.

I saw you with Connors, didn't I?

Now, where'd he go?

How should I know?

I'm an actress, not a tour guide.

Hit the smoke.

Check one off for Leo.

Get ready to take over the wheel.

Sure, but why?

For a little surprise.

Show him the stunt from the Bond picture for real.

All right, Jody, do you read me?

Go ahead.

All right, bring her down.

Keep her steady.

Hope this works, kid.

He

used the magnet.

The what?

Go ahead, Jody.

Colt says to use the magnet.

All right, you hold it there, hero.

I wish you'd never attend another Academy Awards ceremony.

All right, back off.

Pretty good stunt work, Joanna.

Well, Colt, I guess you owe me one.

Be my pleasure.

Now, how can your men have failed?

Connors has picked up some allies, including a stuntman.

Colt Seavers and a beautiful actress.

There are many beautiful women in this world, but only three Ming Dynasty vases.

Don't worry.

Connors will be found, and so will the vases.

I'm betting your life on that.

Fung, back to dinner.

This place reminds me of every mischievous movie I've ever seen or been in.

Except it's for real.

Colt Seavers.

Barry Connors.

Am I glad to see you.

Yeah, well, I don't know why.

If you're guilty, I have to turn you over to the American consulate.

You're a quick flight back to Los Angeles.

Oh, I'm not in Hong Kong to run away.

I'm here to clear myself.

Couldn't you let the courts do that?

Now, see, that would take too long.

By that time, they'd have the vases.

They'd be out of here.

Who's they?

The real killers of the guy that I'm accused of murdering.

Who did they murder?

A man who called himself Mr. Su.

Su?

The wealthy Chinese national who was killed in L.A.?

Made the 11 o'clock news a couple weeks ago.

This Mr. Su had three Ming vases.

Ming?

Wow.

We're talking Priceless with a capital P. He was

having them shipped here to Hong Kong in a coffin.

Why a coffin?

Well, Americans of Chinese ancestry often have

their relatives sent back here for burial.

And he thought they wouldn't notice one more.

The door.

Good work.

Thanks.

Well, it's not exactly an autobiography.

You won't forget me.

Let's go.

Joey, why don't you look after Barry's hand?

We've got to check in with the director.

Yeah, we still have a picture to make.

Oh, Mr. Colt Severs?

Yeah, what can I do for you?

Inspector George Lloyd, Hong Kong Police.

You've been reported for.

Thank you for disturbing the peace.

Well, Inspector, that was all just a little misunderstanding.

Misunderstandings quite often happen when film companies are in the territories.

Well, I can assure you it won't happen again.

There were several of you in the melee, including a young man...

who fits the description of a criminal wanted in the United States.

You're very well informed, Inspector.

I wouldn't think that Barry Connors was big enough...

to attract attention 12,000 miles from home.

Another incident, and I will personally see to it...

that you are persona non grata in Hong Kong.

You're right, Colt.

Why would he be interested in Barry?

I don't know.

But I don't think we're going to like it when we find out, kid.

Let's go.

Okay, there.

That's going to do it.

Barry Connors, I've been looking for you.

Oh, no!

Brian Barry!

Oh, no, not again.

Wait!

Wait, wait, wait!

You do not understand.

The Ming vases.

We're both looking for them.

Major Quan Lu.

You may verify by calling my superiors.

Where do we find them?

Peking.

Peking?

Is it mainland China?

Am I interrupting the party?

Oh, we were just ready to break out the paper hats any minute.

Miss Wood.

Major Quan, right?

You know this guy, Lana?

Oh, sure.

We met a few years ago when I was doing a show in China.

He is for real.

Well, I'm sorry.

You should have said something.

I tried.

But you were looking for me.

Why?

You're in Hong Kong for the same reason I am, Mr. Connors.

To find the three Ming vases.

Our government wants them back intact with as little notoriety as possible.

Why don't you use the local police?

Unfortunately, it appears someone within the police department is untrustworthy.

Now, Mr. Connors, the location of the vases, please.

Well, they're in a coffin somewhere.

I don't know exactly where.

But the tag on the end of the coffin says Wong.

That is like Smith in America.

What can you do?

Very little, I'm afraid.

I cannot participate openly, and this city is awash in bureaucratic red tape.

Well, Cole, maybe there's something I can do.

A few years ago, I met a couple of government officials.

I'm sure they wouldn't mind doing me a favor or two.

Well, I'd appreciate it, Lana.

I may have to do a few favors in return, but then what are friends for?

Too many years, my dear.

It's been too many years.

But I followed your career with great interest.

Ah.

And now to see you again on a film stage.

It was charming, absolutely charming.

Excuse me.

Court Leo wants to see you by the pipe around.

Ah, well, pardon me.

You all have a wonderful time.

Right.

Oh.

Oh, Briggs, you are such a darling.

But now, about our problem?

Rather unusual request, what?

Coffins and dead bodies are not my cup of tea.

But we promised Mr. Wong's son that we'd make sure he had a proper funeral.

Or, you know, rituals and all that kind of stuff.

And it's such a bore trying to locate the right shipment that, well, only a

sophisticated expert like yourself could possibly unravel all this.

Ah, yes.

Please.

Quite easily done.

I'll get cracking.

And now, what about dinner, my dear?

Oh, I'd love to.

And will your wife be there?

Gads, I hope not.

Benita died during the club's last golf tournament.

She always did have difficulty on the 14th hole.

Oh, I see.

Now,

if you're the one who's making the sort of

commercial convo you want, you know I'll do that.

But thank you all for coming.

And thank you all for coming.

And thank you all for coming.

Thank you, Mr. Briggs, for getting back to us so quickly.

Yeah.

All right.

Hang on a second.

Howie, give me a pen.

It doesn't work.

Yeah.

Made in America.

Just a minute.

Try this one.

Made in Japan.

It's also a computer.

Yeah, all right, Briggs.

Now, you found the location of the coffin with the vases?

You'll find it at Terminal Number Two, Kowloon Trucking.

I told you the tap on the motion picture phones would work.

Briggs has done his part.

Lana better get out of Hong Kong fast.

Howie and I will go to Terminal Two.

Did you get the Bond gimmicks from Leo, just in case?

Yeah.

Too bad we can't rehearse these scenes in real life.

Live?

We can't even do it for the picture.

Let's get out of here.

You secure?

Colt, they've got the coffin.

Let's go.

Wait!

You see?

We don't fuck them up!

Get them in!

I

spent four years... Four years at Forest Lawn in Los Angeles.

And I never picked up a coffin off a truck.

Well, you see, my uncle, he was a truck driver.

His last wish was one more time on the road.

We appreciate you looking after him till we've had time to make proper arrangements.

You're welcome to that.

Thank you.

Always say, always set?

Uh, yes.

Can I speak to Jody Banks, please?

Colt?

Hi.

It's Britt.

Oh, hi, Britt.

Have you seen Jody around?

Uh, not recently.

But the director is fuming because you're not here.

What's the problem?

Well, we need a ride back to the set.

Um, where are you?

We're at the corner of Prince Edward Street and, uh, Chin Tzu.

Okay.

I'll make sure someone is right there.

We'll be here.

And we'll be there, too.

There they are.

Let's go.

Hey!

Hey, Britt!

Do something.

Someone is going to get killed.

Yes, it does appear like that.

What are you doing?

They got away, Colt.

Really?

He aims to have a little tattletale with him.

Keep that scanner going, kid.

Hold it, Colt.

I'm getting something.

Which way?

Try northeast.

The signal's getting stronger.

All right.

I'm going to take it lower.

It's coming in more clearly.

We're over a business area.

Hey!

What's wrong?

I lost the signal.

What are we gonna do now?

We go back to the studio and wait for them to contact us.

Colt, phone call for you.

It's urgent.

It's about Britt.

Colt Severs.

Well, Mr. Severs, I hope you are enjoying the sights of Hong Kong.

By the way, you have expressed great interest

in our culture, especially the Ming Dynasty.

I'm ready to trade the vases for Britt.

Oh, good, good.

How do I know she's alive?

Listen, Mr. Severs, we are only interested in the vases, not her life.

Let me talk to her.

Colt?

Britt, are you okay?

They are treating me extraordinarily well.

Too well, if you know what I mean.

Rather like the condemned and the last meal routine.

You see, she's quite well.

When and where are we gonna make this trade?

In four hours at the old road near the Great China Bank construction site.

We'll be there.

What was it?

They want to make the trade.

Well, is that good or bad?

No way they're gonna let anybody out of this alive.

We will meet them outside of Kowloon.

And once the trade is made, we eliminate them.

And what do you think is going to happen when the newspapers get hold of this?

They'll have a field day.

Miss Eklund, you'll be discovered with a syringe

in one hand and a batch of drugs in the other.

Another show business tragedy.

Life in the fast lane ending in a crash.

Fang'er.

Looks like we'll have to go along with their plan.

The culture said they'll kill us.

Nope, we got a little insurance against that.

Like what?

Well, let's just say that we're bonded.

We must make delivery this afternoon, or forfeit the two million.

I forfeit nothing, Inspector.

We shall have the vases.

All right, Leo, get that coffin in here.

Why the bus?

If they try to double-cross us, they won't get through.

We don't get far.

All right, Jody.

You've got the camera, and you know the plan.

Yeah, I only hope it's the same plan the other guys are thinking of.

It is.

Don't worry.

I'll drive to Bond car.

Make sure those vases are going to be okay, Colt.

Hell, I'm more concerned about Britt.

Let's get this done on the road, huh?

Yeah.

Brought the device?

Here it is.

Oh no!

Please.

I haven't done anything.

Now, now, Miss Eklund, I've been a fan of yours since your first Bond movie.

Listen to me, woman.

There's nothing personal about this.

It's a matter of business.

What?

You call murder business?

There's no need to become agitated.

There'll be no pain.

You're mad!

As a matter of fact, for the first few moments, it'll be quite pleasurable.

And then, an eternity in paradise.

There they are, Colt.

Heading for the construction site.

Yeah, they must be real bad guys, kid.

Why do you say that?

They're buzzards circling their car.

Chen Jing here.

Yes, set the men according to my instructions and make no mistakes.

In position, Colt.

We're coming to the rendezvous site.

I don't see your friends.

Perhaps they've decided to sacrifice you and retain the gold.

We're coming, buzzards.

What difference does it make?

You're going to kill us all anyway.

True.

But I should hate to see you die with your fate in human nature shattered.

You're up ahead, Colt.

I can see them from here.

It's the inspector.

Mr. Sievers.

Mr. Munson.

So you're the inside man.

In this part of the world, one should not be surprised at anything.

All right, gentlemen.

Where is the coffin?

It's in the bus.

Good.

Get in the bus.

The buzzards are in there.

Jody, follow us.

Fred, head back to the studio.

Okay.

Colt, they're heading out to the countryside.

Yeah, we're with them.

Jody, do you read?

Roger, Colt.

All right, I'm going to put the car on remote control.

I'll get the camera ready when I say go.

Whenever you're ready.

Okay, go.

Reminds me of that famous slogan.

What's that?

Leave the driving to them.

Yeah.

The Ming buzzards will return to the British consulate, Colt.

Yeah, and they turn them over to Major Kuang Lu and the People's Republic of China.

So everything's back where it belongs.

And I can return to the United States.

Right.

Come on, ask me anything about the Bond series.

I have a mental catalog of almost every stunt they did in those pictures.

Don't push it, Howard.

Push it?

Push nothing.

Joanna, do you remember that scene you did

coming out of the water onto that secret island?

Yeah.

Howie, you got your characters mixed up.

Yeah, if you're going to play the movie trivia game, get your trivia straight.

Trivia?

This isn't trivia.

The Bond pictures were film history, just like Brit and Lana and Joanna.

History?

Thanks a lot.

Lordy, lordy, where's my wheelchair?

Well, when I said history, I didn't mean history.

Howie, how does it feel to have both feet stuck in your mouth?

Well, I'm speechless.

Good, good.

I'd keep it that way.

Nobody does it better Makes me feel sad for the rest Nobody does it half as good

as you Baby, you're the best I wasn't looking But somehow you found me I tried

to hide from your love But like heaven above me The spiral of me Is keeping all

my secrets safe tonight Nobody does it better Makes me feel sad for the rest

Nobody does it half as good as you Thank you

for watching and see you in the next video.