Original subtitles

Well, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell.

But I've been seen with Farrah.

I've never been with anything less than a nine.

So fine.

I've been on fire with Sally Field.

I've gone past with a girl named Bo.

But somehow they just don't end up as mine.

It's a death-defying life I lead.

I take my chances.

I die for living in the movies and TV.

But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my leading

ladies kiss some other guy while I'm bandaging my knee.

I might fall from a tall building.

I might roll a brand new car.

Cause I'm the unknown's company.

I'm the man that made Redfoot such a star.

I've never spent much time in school.

But I've taught ladies plenty.

It's true, I hire my body out from bay.

Hey, hey.

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Teague's blown-up poor rockin' welch.

But when I wind up in the hay, it's only hay.

Hey, hey.

I might jump an open drawbridge.

Or Tarzan from a vine.

Cause I'm the unknown's stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine.

I've been on

fire with Sally Field.

I've gone past with a girl named Bo.

But somehow they just don't end up as mine.

It's a death -defying life I lead.

I've gone past with a girl named Bo.

But I've taught ladies plenty.

It's true, I hire my body out from bay.

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Teague's blown-up poor rockin' welch.

But when I wind up in the hay, it's only hay.

You only get one take for the stunt, Colt.

So please, don't blow it.

Oh, don't worry, Ray.

If we can't pull it off, we'll probably kill ourselves.

Then you'll have a great finish for our picture.

I don't want anybody to get hurt.

So if you think this stunt is a little too

dangerous, then we can come up with something else.

We'll stick to the script.

Yeah, Colt's right.

The only way we stand a chance of making a buck

on this picture is if we come in on budget.

The budget doesn't matter.

The world's waiting to see my script.

Oh, come on, Harry.

Do you really think that the world is waiting to

see a low-budget flick called Death Car Hoofers?

Death Car Hoofers!

Come on.

I rewrote the car wash scene so we do it outside and we save on building another set.

All right!

I love penny-pinching writers, especially when I've got money in the flick.

Well, we all have our last dimes in this epic, so could we

please try to finish this movie before we run out of money?

Yeah.

Uh, Miss Grant, do you have a minute?

You've already had my answer.

I have no intentions of making a campaign contribution to Councilman Jarvis.

Now, please leave my set.

The song goes like this.

There's so many unexpected dangers in the big city.

Unexplained fires, gang violence, damage to your production equipment.

Which I understand you rent at an extremely high cost.

Okay, okay.

Stop beating around the bush and tell me exactly what you want.

$40,000.

Well, that's impossible.

We're a shoestring operation.

Forget it.

Did she pay you?

Sorry, Councilman.

She said she doesn't have the money.

Those Hollywood types can find cash when they want.

Movie making's a big scam.

Not according to Ray Grant.

I must have that $40,000 to pay off Haley.

Boss, you're crazy to fool around with Haley and the syndicate.

All right, hurt her.

No good.

The whole picture will shut down and you never will get that payoff.

Then hurt the star.

Same thing.

He's out, so is your money.

Then hurt somebody who isn't important.

Anytime you're ready, CB.

Let me just check to make sure we can cover this sequence, then it's all yours.

Who was it that said anything a man can do?

A woman can do better?

Oh, Dr. Rene Richards.

Aw, Cole.

It's just like a kid's remote-controlled toy.

All I do is press a button, and the explosive charge rips the tire apart.

Okay, okay, now let's get out of here.

Come on.

One for the money.

Two for the show.

Action!

Room coming.

Hang on, we're gonna make this look semi -final.

Any second now.

I'm okay.

Check on Howie.

Are you all right?

Am I lying down or standing up?

You're standing up.

Well, I guess I'm okay.

Cole, how are you?

Oh, I'm fine.

But that's not the way somebody planned it.

You mean that accident was no accident?

That tire exploded on purpose.

That does it, Cole.

It's a wrap.

Over.

We can't finish this picture.

Oh, we can't shut down.

We're hocked up to our eyebrows in this picture.

Yeah, but the car totaled, the camera equipment, the lenses, everything.

You know how much that stuff costs.

Well, what about insurance?

Insurance?

Where were we supposed to get money for insurance?

Let's face it.

Even if we did want to go on, now we're about $100,000 short.

Who would do such a thing?

I have a pretty good idea.

You do?

Well, who?

This local politician, Jarvis.

He wants some protection money.

We're gonna nail this, Jarvis.

Oh, how?

Well, look around you, huh?

We're in the world of make-believing show business and magic, huh?

Sure.

Okay, then we're gonna show this Jarvis a little Shazam.

Well, let's go.

Terry, thanks for bringing Detective Riley like I asked.

Don't forget my money's in this picture, too, Colt.

Sievers, every officer in Los Angeles has been trying to nail Jarvis, including me.

But so far, we haven't been able to.

So if you've got an idea, believe me, it's worth the meeting.

Well, it's simple.

Jarvis is a shark that likes to go around biting people.

Well, we know that.

Well, we're gonna bite him back in his soft spot.

What's he afraid of?

Not much.

Oh, come on, Detective.

Everybody's afraid of something, especially a crooked politician.

Well, he is a compulsive gambler.

And the word is he's on the hook for $40 ,000 in gambling debts.

Just what he wants from me.

Does he have to pay?

Unless he has a death wish.

He borrowed the money from Art Haley, the head of the syndicate.

Then Jarvis is afraid of Haley.

Of course he is.

So is everyone else.

I see where you're going, Colt.

But you can't use a big rat like Haley to catch a little rat like Jarvis,

especially when they're eating off the same piece of cheese.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I bet this is where Colt gets to the Shazam pie, right?

Right.

What we have here is a cast of characters with

an entire Hollywood movie crew to back us up.

Well, what script are we gonna shoot?

Oh, a little action-packed adventure I called Bite of the Wasp.

A wasp?

Wasp is an acronym for white Anglo-Saxon Protestant.

Howie, not this wasp.

This is a wasp wasp.

A bug.

You know, with a stinger that paralyzes.

Now, what we gotta do is get Haley to put the

bite on Jarvis before Jarvis puts the bite on us.

And we each play a part.

But first we'll need some fast research on him.

Well, consider it handled.

You can do that?

Of course I can.

I almost got a degree in data analysis from LSU.

What stopped you?

Um, graduating.

Well, how do I look?

Do I look menacing enough?

Oh, yes.

You look so dire.

Dire?

Lots of dire hair.

Clanks and all.

You didn't overdo the blood on Harry, did you?

Would Rembrandt overdo her color?

Please, I am the finest special effects man in the business.

Low budget.

Jodie should be just about ready to strut her stuff at Haley's Disco.

You'll love the drinks, girls.

Very pure ingredients.

Bring out the flavor.

Oh, Felix.

I like that one.

Okay, don't tell me, let me guess.

You don't usually do this sort of thing, but you saw my cha-cha and you fell in love.

You are beautiful.

Except for your bubble gum.

Do you have to chew that stuff?

Well, it helps keep my mind off world affairs.

Affairs.

Interesting word.

I think that you and I could have a lot of fun redefining it.

Ha!

I love pushy guys.

Especially rich ones.

Get rid of him.

I'll show you some figures.

Oh, my God!

Is that the Wasp?

Oh, my God!

It is the Wasp!

Oh, my God!

I've been shot!

Harry!

Detective Tom Riley.

Police Intelligence.

Man, you're lucky you're still breathing.

We got a tip.

A man named the Wasp was paid $50,000 to take care of you.

I've never heard of a hitman called the Wasp.

Well, they heard of you, pal.

And you want to know something else?

I truly wish him better luck the next time.

You're running the Shire?

Yes.

Please, I'm begging you.

Take the Wasp and take him away from here.

But what can I do?

I'm gonna have to go.

Jack, you can take the Wasp.

Well, that's all I can say.

That's all I can say.

Our business is over between us.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Jack.

Bye-bye.

Well, I owe you, sweetheart.

Haley pays what he owes.

Felix, give her some money.

Oh, nah, keep your bread.

Money would tarnish my unselfish deed.

I guess deep down you have... some class.

What do you mean, some class?

Hey, buddy, one more crack like that and I'll

give you a fat eye to go with your fat mouth.

Take it easy.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, honey.

My name is Jody.

Listen, Jody.

Tomorrow, why don't you go out and buy yourself some nice new clothes, huh?

And then come on to my place for lunch.

Oh, and to wash your hair first and clean your fingernails.

Make yourself... make yourself nice and antiseptic.

Oh, are you weird.

But you better be solvent.

Till tomorrow.

That girl really turns me on.

I can hardly wait till she comes over to my place tomorrow.

Mr. Haley expects everyone to go through this.

Standard operating procedure.

Hey, that tickles.

If the body search comes next, I'd like a little mood music.

Necklace stays or I don't.

This way, please.

What comes next?

Blood tests?

Hold it.

It's ultraviolet light.

It kills germs.

Oh, you really know how to turn a woman on.

Right in here.

Hi there.

Hello, dream girl.

Hello, psycho.

What is this?

The bunker?

I feel like I just walked into the twilight zone.

How about a drink?

Sure.

Scotch on the rocks.

Liquor?

Are you crazy?

You know what that does to your stomach?

No, but I know what it does to my inhibitions.

Gee, this is a nice place you got here.

Really pretty things.

You know?

Nice material.

You must have had a really good decorator.

Oh, what a cute little bar.

Jody really came through with the pictures.

It's all of Haley's health equipment.

Jody's photographs pretty well spell it out for us.

Now, we won't have much time inside Haley's house.

Anybody got a time problem?

Yeah, I'll need about a minute to rig Haley's monitors.

You'll have it.

How about electrical, Steve?

A minute should do it for us too, Colt.

Okay, the assault team will make a direct attack on

the main gate to draw out all the security responses.

Howie?

When the sensors are turned off so that Haley's men can

leave the estate to chase after us, the technicians go in.

But remember, it all has to look like the work of our man, the Wasp.

Okay, everybody pick out a mask here.

Do we have to wear masks?

Come on.

It'll make you look more desperate.

Add a little pizzazz to the Shazam.

Fun.

How do we look?

Well, I wish you hadn't asked.

If there's any eyewitnesses, you're gonna give them a lot to remember.

I hate to be a party pooper, but do you really think that this caper has a prayer?

Hey, come on.

No plan.

No matter how brilliant it is, it's only as good as the people who carry it out.

We're in deep trouble.

All right, let's move.

First thing in the morning.

All right.

These are all the areas we're gonna cover.

Make sure we get them and get them good.

Now everyone knows what they have to do.

I can't see anything.

Where are...

Here's the door to Haley's gym, inside.

Hurry.

The countdown's begun.

We got less than a minute.

I'm sorry.

Come on, time's running out.

Come on, move!

This ought to give Haley a high fever.

Yeah, right along with his blood pressure.

Hope should be leading them to the fence.

We've been invaded.

We need more help out here.

Yo, come on!

Come on, time's running out.

Now!

I

think we chased them away.

They were wasps' men.

Let's go!

Hurry!

Well, at least they didn't make it in here.

He's getting away!

The chopper!

Use the chopper!

Get after him!

Ah!

Ah!

There he is.

Get me a closer.

Hold it steady.

I can't get a beat out of him.

Okay.

You have a clear field.

Nail him, Felix.

I don't want to kill him.

Just wound him.

He only wants to know who hired the wasp.

Steady.

Off the road.

He has to catch the insect.

You see anything?

No.

I think he's had it.

Kid, you wouldn't want to sell these skis, would you?

Ain't no way, man.

How about a trade?

For a part in the movie we're shooting here.

Let me borrow them for a little while.

Huh?

Do you know how to use land skis?

Yeah, I did it in the picture.

Don't worry about it.

I get a part in the movie if I let you borrow these things?

Yeah, a big part.

Hook them up.

Thanks, kid.

I'll be right back.

We didn't get him.

He's over there.

I'm trying to shoot him in the leg.

Slow him down.

Give

me a clear shot.

Shake him off.

He's on the runner.

I can't.

Do you feel like fighting or flying?

We're two, sir.

So, according to my research, our next move is clear.

Haley monitors his blood pressure and his pulse constantly.

Yeah, that stuff he drinks is like day-old sawdust.

All right, Haley's chopper's been impounded by the police.

That's going according to plan.

Well, hardly.

Colt almost got killed in that chopper chase.

Howie, how could you overlook a chopper?

Come on, give me a break.

I only had a couple of shots.

It took me a couple hours to research a man's whole life.

So I overlooked one minor detail.

Yeah, well, those little wild cards could wipe us out.

I know.

Don't worry, it won't happen again.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Sort of.

Sort of?

We're risking our lives.

And virtue.

On a sort of?

You people are kind of sensitive, aren't you?

Only over life or death.

What I still don't understand is why I have to re-read my pre-med book.

Because a prepared actor is a convincing actor.

All right.

How much time do I have?

I'm only up to athletes for you.

Would you mind skipping to coronary occlusion?

We'd like Haley to go after Jarvis.

But we're ready to spring the trap.

When's that?

Soon.

Right now, Haley should start feeling that he's really not a whale man.

I gave you a simple assignment, Felix.

And a helicopter to carry it out.

He is like any other hood for hire.

You should...

That's not accurate.

That's twice what it should be at this stage of exercise.

Felix, I need a drink.

Liver and kelp shake.

You're setting up the stunt now, Mr. Jarvis.

Make sure his accident takes place in a manner that will get rid of him.

That doesn't make her shell out nothing well.

She's still insisting she's strapped, sir.

She's a producer.

What do you expect?

She's not going to pay a penny extra if she doesn't have to.

And this time I want results.

Felix, I'm still shaky.

Fix me another drink.

Felix.

What's wrong, boss?

How the hell should I know?

I've been feeling fine for years and all of a sudden...

You got that air conditioner turned down or something?

Nope.

Same as usual, boss.

I'm dizzy.

My pulse rate's gone crazy.

Call Dr. Ferguson.

Dr. Ferguson's office.

Anthony Haley here.

Get the doctor right over here now.

I mean right away.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bailey, but the doctor is out of town now

at an eye, ear, nose and throat convention in Hawaii.

May I be of some service to you?

I don't want a nurse.

I want a doctor.

And the name is Haley.

Just one moment, Mr. Bailey.

Dr. Martin Latimer speaking.

Anthony Haley here.

I'm a patient of Dr. Ferguson's.

Yes, Haberman, Hecker, Heller.

Yes, I have your folder in front of me, Mr. Haley.

What seems to be the problem?

My pulse rate.

And my heartbeat.

They started galloping.

I got cold chills.

I'm covered in sweat.

Double vision.

I feel awful.

Hmm.

Certainly sounds as though you're undergoing some sort of cardiac event.

Although your history shows no background of that sort of thing.

I don't care about that.

Get over here right now.

Have stethoscope, will travel.

I gotta travel to the location before Rayson's at a search party.

We still got a picture to make.

This better work.

Don't worry, it'll work.

I stole a copy of that script.

I know exactly how this stuff goes.

The gangster car will pick you up at the pier.

Okay, Ray.

Ready when you are.

Is everybody ready?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, Colt.

Ready on A camera?

You got it.

Ready on B camera?

Okay.

Action gangster car.

I think I just ranked two inches.

Now you tell me.

What the hell's going on?

That's real ammunition.

Colt, stop.

The brakes are out.

Fail out.

Yeah, Ray, I'm okay.

My God, the car blew prematurely.

Prematurely on purpose?

Who were you expecting?

Typhoid Mary?

Oh, you use mine.

It's been boiled.

Oh, by the way, a man at the gate asked me to give you this note.

Breathe deeply.

It's from the Wasp.

He says he won't stop until he kills me.

Don't be ridiculous, Mr. Haley.

Wasps don't kill.

They only sting.

Yes?

Mr. Haley?

This is Ray Grant speaking.

I produce in direct motion pictures.

I never put money in films.

The business is too crooked.

I'd like to speak to you about a man who's been trying to kill you.

He calls himself the Wasp.

Come right over.

Now!

We got him.

Bzzzzzzzzzz.

Bzzzzzz.

Run that by me again, Ms. Grange.

I said the accidents on my set were no accident.

A man named Jarvis is behind it and he wants $100,000 to let me and my film alone.

So?

What's in my business?

Well, Jarvis claims that he needs the money to repay a debt he owes you.

Good.

I thought you wanted to tell me about the Wasp.

I'm going to.

Jarvis hired the Wasp to murder you.

He decided to put you out of business instead of paying you back.

So please do something, or we're all dead.

So to speak.

I'm feeling worse, Doctor.

Hiya, honey.

I hope you missed me.

Personally, I couldn't get your bank account out of my mind.

You're cute.

Jody, I want you to arrange a meeting between me and the Wasp.

Oh, well, he's a pretty dangerous dude.

He could get angry at me just for carrying a message.

Pay plenty for the meeting.

Tell him it's business.

It's a proposition.

You're going to make him an offer he can't refuse?

Yeah.

I like the sound of that.

Me too.

Right on schedule.

They're trying it again.

Stir that.

Okay, remember, don't tie him too tight.

He's got to get away later.

You noticed how well things go when you've got a good script?

Mr. Haley, this is silly.

I can't stay with you night and day.

Sure you can.

But I have other patients.

But you've only got one life.

Should I take that as a threat?

I would.

There she is.

Okay, it's all set.

The Wasp is going to meet you at the corner of 5th and Main right away.

Great.

Doc, how about your driving?

Okay.

Okay.

The Hippocratic Oath said nothing about chauffeuring patients.

All you young punk doctors are alike.

Only in it for the bucks.

Whatever happened to dedication and principle?

Keeping men like you alive makes me want to do the same thing.

Hey, doctors can get hurt too.

No one dare take on the AMA.

It's him!

It's him!

Oh my God, he's going to shoot!

Let's get out of here!

I've got to talk to the Wasp.

He doesn't understand.

Why are we stopping?

You said you wanted to talk to him.

This may be our only chance.

Compliments of Councilman Jarvis.

No, don't shoot.

I beg you, don't kill us.

Well, now, why would I kill them?

I only kill who I'm paid to.

Professional ethics.

I'll pay you double what Jarvis did.

To do what?

To who?

To kill Jarvis instead of me.

Cash.

On the line.

No waiting.

What, $150,000?

Jarvis only paid you $50,000.

You want to quibble at a time like this?

No.

No quibbling.

I need two hours to get the money.

Meet me at my disco.

All right.

Remember, no money, no prayer.

I thought medicine was a high-pressure profession.

What?

Now, you listen to me, Jarvis.

Haley hired the Wasp to snuff you out for more than double your price.

I never hired a killer.

Well, he thinks you did.

Where are you?

I'm on my way out of town, and, Jarvis, if I were you, I'd do the same.

The Wasp is on his way.

The Wasp is on his way.

Going somewhere?

Howie?

Howie Jarvis sang louder than a canary with a hernia.

Climb out of the tube, kid, and bring Glantatings.

He's not listening.

If you hurt that kid... Relax.

He'll wake up, but maybe you won't, Seavers.

I should have called you the Wasp.

Don't be... Hold it!

Just going for a beer.

Looking up a gun barrel kind of parches a man's throat, you know.

Move slow and we'll continue our conversation.

I hate to get technical, but a conversation usually requires more than one speaker.

So far, you're it.

Yeah, I like it that way.

See, I've never been content with the underling's role.

But crime is just like any other big business.

You've got to be prepared to start at the bottom.

Man of ambition, huh?

What's more American than success, huh?

So you want me to help you climb the golden ladder, right?

Right.

I figured Jarvis sold me out along with Haley and anybody else he figured the

state might be willing to plea bargain for.

So my opportunities around here are considerably diminished.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Terrific.

Then you'll understand why my best bet is to turn you

over to Haley before the state gives him a number.

For the right price, of course.

Of course.

If I were you, I would hurry.

The police are just about ready to come down on him.

So hurry up.

Come on, move it.

You sure you wouldn't want a beer first?

Why, do you expect me to fall for that one?

Not that one.

This one!

Who is that guy, Cole?

Just another hood that got stung by the wasp.

Here, keep an eye on him.

I'm going to put the final bite on a friend.

No gum, clean hands, pure heart.

Very ladylike, perfect, not a smudge.

That's $150,000 for the wasp.

Then all my attention goes to you.

Any word?

No, not yet, boss.

Let me know as soon as he shows.

You got it.

You looking for me?

How did you get in here?

Wasp fly.

Have you got the money?

You won't have Jarvis to worry about anymore.

Jody, let me buy you a drink.

Show you off to the world.

Okay.

I want one of those champagne cocktails with one of those funny little umbrellas.

..

A bottle of champagne for me and the lady.

Oh.

Oh, and wash that bottle before you uncork it.

Well, well, if it isn't our friendly detective.

You, over here.

Yes?

Word is you put out a hit on Jarvis.

I don't have any idea what you're talking about.

Well, sunshine.

What's this?

Jarvis is subpoenaed to appear before the grand jury.

He turned state evidence against you.

The Wasp.

Better known as Colt Seavers.

Then you're behind this scam.

Not so fast, honey.

Get back.

Get back.

Up on your feet.

Then it was a scam.

Jarvis never was out to get me, was he?

Jarvis who?

And I had such high hopes of making you into something.

You know what I'm saying?

You couldn't have made us think.

Come on, let's go.

Wait a minute.

What about my $150 grand?

$150 grand?

That I gave him?

Congratulations, you're in show business.

Let's go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Here we go.

$150,000.

Compliments of Alex Haley.

Maybe we should do another film.

Yeah, like what?

Like The Wasp.

Yeah, I can see it now.

Could be a whole series of pictures.

The Wasp Stings.

How about The Wasp Meets Raid?

Ah, maybe you're right.

But I do have this wonderful idea for a picture.

All we have to do is raise a few bucks.

Hold it, Ray.

Now, there's an old saying in the film business.

And it's an accurate one, and it comes from a rather personal experience of mine.

Never use your own money.

Once is enough.

The Wasp Flies.

We can have endless sequels, just like Rocky.

Return of the Wasp.

Wasp Stings.

Wasp Meets the Fly.

Star Wasps.

Hey, guys.

Haley gave me this problem.

What am I gonna do with all this junk?

Junk?

Those are 100% silk French designer dresses.

Well, they don't exactly go with my jeans, you know what I mean?

Oh, sure.

I suggest you do what I'm gonna do with my Wasp costume.

What's that?

Save it for Halloween.

Ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

A little pause...

and we are back.

A little pause... and we are back.