Original subtitles

Welcome back to "Who Wants to Remain a Millionaire?"

I'm your host, fake farmer and real asshole, Jeremy Clarkson.

Let's bring out our contestant for tonight.

You hate him, I hate him.

It's Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

It's great to be here, Jeremy.

Great to have you here, Sir Keir.

Now, let's play.

We start with your first and indeed only question.

Is it ever a good ideaú to give Peter Mandelson a job?

Is it A, no, B, of course not, C, not

ú in a million years, or D, yes.

It's a tricky one.

Jeremy, I think I'm going to have

ú to use a lifeline on this one.

Can I ask the audience?

OK.

Audience, on your keypads, please.

Is it ever a good idea to give pedophile,

a Jason Bond villain, Peter Mandelson, a job.

Vote now.

Pretty comprehensive.

What do you make of that, Sir Keir?

I'll be honest, Jeremy.

I'm leaning towards D.

But seeing that has put a seed of doubt in my mind.

I'd like to use another lifeline.

Really?

Yes.

50/50, please, Jeremy.

OK.

Computer, can you loseú two wrong answers, please?

Oh, gosh.

This looks so much easier at home.

But-- but--

But-- but Jeremy--

@ But I'm afraid I'm just notúbeing presented with the facts.

@ I think I'm going to have to phone a friend.

OK.

Sir Keir, who are you going to call?

I'd like to call Peter Mandelson.

Here goes.

ú Let's hope he has the answer.

Hello.

Hi, Peter.

Jeremy Clarkson here.

I've got Sir Keir with me, he needs your help.

úSir Keir, your time starts now.

Hi, Peter.

First things first, how have you been?

ú- Frighteningly well, Sir Keir.

How may I be of service?

10 seconds left.

ú - Peter, I am being rushed.

@ So I have to ask, is it everú a good idea to give you a job?

Me?

A job?

ú I'd be careful if I were you.

Oh, Peter, you'll have me going in a minute.

úHe's a cheeky monkey, that one.

Well, Sir Keir, did that help?

I'm afraid not.

ú Time to use another lifeline.

Let's go.

50/50 again.

You know what? I'll allow it.

Computer.

OK, Jeremy.

I have my answer.

I know it's not conventional, but

@I'd actually like to bring backú one of the previous options

because I'm going to go with D, final answer.

Are you totally sure?

Oh, never.

I am sorry, Sir Keir.

I'm afraid the correct answer was C.

Oh, Jeremy.

It's clear to me now that was the wrong decision.

Would I make the same decision again, knowing what I know now?

Quite possibly.

But that doesn't change the fact that--

Live from London, it's "Saturday Night."

It's "Saturday Night Live" with Hammed Amimashaun.

Ayoade Bamgboye.

Larry Dean.

Celeste Dring.

George Fouracres.

Ania Magliano.

Annabel Marlow.

Al Nash.

Jack Shep.

Emma Sidi.

Paddy Young.

ú Musical guest, Foo Fighters.

úAnd your host, Nicola Coughlan.

Ladies and gentlemen, Nicola Coughlan.

Oh.

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

I am Nicola Coughlan, and I am so excited to be

here hosting what is increasingly

becoming "SNL UK and Ireland."

So you might know me from "Derry Girls,"

where I played a schoolgirl who came out as a lesbian,

or "Big Mood," where I played a writer who came out as bipolar,

or "Bridgerton," where I played an aristocrat

who came out as a messy bitch who lives for drama.

Isn't at all like me in real life.

Jack Shep, yeah, he drank all of Emma's Sidi's Banana Yazoo.

Shh.

Fun fact though, back when I had nothing but dreams,

I actually used to sell frozen yogurt across the street.

It's a true story.

But since I'm rich and famous now, someone gets it for me.

Two scoops of berry blast.

Not now, minion.

But I have to say, being here is such a dream come true.

I am an "SNL" superfan.

I can't believe I get to stand on this famous set

where some of the most talented entertainers

have stood, like Tina Fey or Jamie Dornan

or me five weeks ago.

Yeah, I was here on that very first ever episode of "SNL UK"

last month, where I got to live every man's dream--

shouting at a female comedian on television.

This evening, I really wanted to recreate the magic

of the original 1970s "SNL."

So to prepare, I have consumed a staggering amount of cocaine.

Honestly, I could knock out a horse.

But look, it's an honor to be hosting.

It sort of feels like I manifested it somehow.

It's almost like this place is like magic.

That's because it is.

It's "SNL" royalty, Jimmy Fallon.

Yeah, thanks for having me.

Sorry, can you repeat your name?

It's very tricky to pronounce.

Yeah, of course.

It's Nicola.

God, I love the British sense of humor.

I'm Irish, Jimmy.

Educate yourself.

Hey, educate yourself.

My great, great grandpa is from Ireland.

Oh, you speak Irish?

Well, what region was that from?

Duolingo.

Oh, it is beautiful there.

But, like, as much fun as this is, can I-- can

I just get back to hosting?

Yeah, well, that's why I'm here, Nicola,

to teach you the biggest secret of "SNL"

that no one wants you to know.

Oh, which is?

Well, don't tell anyone, but it's live.

Yeah, they don't really try to hide that, Jimmy.

It's in the title.

No, you're not getting it.

It's actually live.

I mean, you could do whatever you want.

You can go wherever you want. You're the host.

They don't stop you.

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

Ben, give me some music.

You see, Nicola, we don't have to stay on this stage.

We can go into the audience.

Look at this beautiful crowd!

Look at this man!

You can rub this man's hair if you like!

Why not? - I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I mean, look who it is, though?

Sir Paul McCartney himself!

Oh, my goodness!

I can't believe he's here!

Jimmy, I don't think that's a Beatle.

Well, every American thinks everyone from England

is in The Beatles. - Oh, fair enough.

I get you. - Yeah.

- That's fine. - This is it.

Oh, my gosh! Look at this.

Paddy and Ania are getting ready for a "Weekend Update."

Give them some news. - Hey.

Jack Shep, he does his number twos in your dressing rooms.

Later, nerds!

That's what I'm talking about!

Start feeling the power!

- Jimmy, I'm getting it now. - Yes.

I'm the host!

I can do anything I want!

How do you like me now, London?

I mean, this is it.

This is "SNL UK Live."

When else can you hold up a copy of today's newspaper

and have it make sense?

Do you know what I'm saying?

Yes!

Jimmy, Jimmy, look, it's Dave Grohl.

Yeah.

Well, you should ask him to be best

friends because we're live.

He has to say yes.

Mr. Dave Grohl, sir.

Oh, hi.

Could we-- could we please be best friends?

Sure, why not?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah!

Yeah!

See you later, bestie!

That was incredible! - Yeah, I'm telling you.

You've got it! You got it!

Oh, look, there's George.

Oh, hello, Jimmy Fallon.

And as for you, don't forget, it doesn't matter,

Nicola Coughlan!

None of this is real!

It is real, George Fouracres.

I'm the host now.

And don't you forget it!

Ooh, gosh.

Oh, my goodness!

I broke it with my bare hands!

You're really-- you're feeling

this energy almost too much. - Yeah, I know.

It's like the cocaine is, like, really kicking in!

Oh, maybe that's what it is.

Maybe that's it.

Yeah, but either way, it's happening.

You can feel the energy.

Literally no one on stage.

Are we doing the show?

The show?

It's more about the show.

This is magic!

Yeah, Jimmy, I can still see you.

- Oh, I'm sorry, sorry. - Come on, let's go, let's go!

Let's go! Let's start this show.

Let's go.

Come on.

Go, go, go!

This is your night.

Show them what a great night we have.

Tell them the great news! This is your night!

Go!

We have got a great show for you

tonight with music from the iconic Foo Fighters.

So stick around and enjoy this!

Yes!

Hey, guys, thank you so much for meeting with me today.

Anytime, Nicola Coughlan.

And can I just say, we loved your work

in "The Magic Faraway Tree."

Oh, thank you.

Yes, you've done a real service to the classic books.

Oh, look, it's been an absolute privilege.

So what did you want to meet about?

Well, I have actually written a song for the movie.

Sorry, what?

You know, like Will Smith does.

Made like a lovely song for the end credits.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Yeah, you've done more than enough

with your charming portrayal of Silky the elf.

Whoa, gosh.

You haven't heard it yet.

♪ It's the faraway tree ♪

♪ And its magic as [bleep] ♪

♪ Thick leaves, Nicky C, and a magical trunk ♪

♪ It's a big [bleep] tree ♪

ú ♪ Gets a new land a day ♪

♪ And you think it's big now ♪

♪ Get this, it's far away! ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Nicola Coughlan ♪

♪ I play a fairy named Silky ♪

♪ I'm a little bit thotty ♪

♪ It's based on a book by the bitch who did Noddy ♪

ú ♪ Magic realm in the clouds ♪

ú♪ Yeah, this shit so exciting ♪

♪ A mind [bleep] fromú the twisted [bleep] thoughts ♪

♪ of Enid Blyton ♪

♪ And I'm coming ♪

ú ♪ And I'll steal your boy ♪

♪ When I'm rollin' with my homies Garfield and Foy ♪

♪ Yeah, there's Fran, Beth, and Joe ♪

♪ Man, this family's sick ♪

♪ But in the book, Fran and Beth ♪

♪ are called Fanny and Dick! ♪

♪ It's faraway ♪

♪ Oak, Birch, or a Sycamore ♪

♪ It's got a 93% Rotten Tomatoes score ♪

♪ Critics agree ♪

♪ Man, this movie's a blast ♪

♪ Except for "The Times" ♪

♪ You can eat my arse! ♪

Wow.

OK.

We love the enthusiasm.

Thank you.

It's not very Will Smithy, though, is it?

Oh.

It's more like Natalie Portman.

I don't know her.

We're just worried you're missing some of the family

friendly themes of the film.

You only mention how the tree is far away and [bleep] big.

Oh, I get you. I get you.

So, like, the song should be a bit more about,

like, my experience filming the filming a movie?

We didn't say--

♪ It was filmed already ♪

♪ And I don't mean to be cocky ♪

♪ But on the set there was a lady ♪

♪ Who would bring me a coffee ♪

♪ And I gave up meals ♪

♪ The snacks were infinite ♪

♪ Have you ever seen a tree ♪

♪ With [bleep] elves living in it! ♪

Well, they would have.

If this song were to be in the credits, they, the audience,

would have just seen a big tree with elves living in it.

Why is there so much stuff about the on set catering?

I just remember when we were filming,

there was lots of really delicious snacks, OK?

I think we've heard enough.

Ah-duh-duh-duh.

You haven't heard the guest verse.

Who's the guest verse?

♪ My name is Keith ♪

ú ♪ I did the on set catering ♪

♪ For when the cast and crew's energy is wavering ♪

♪ Anything they need ♪

♪ You knew I would get it ♪

@ ♪ Hey, look, here's my motherú [bleep] name in the credits ♪

♪ It's the faraway tree ♪

♪ And it's madness ♪

♪ On the final shooting day ♪

ú ♪ We had an ice cream truck ♪

♪ It lifted morale for the cast and crew ♪

@ ♪ Of the movie from the bitchú who wrote "Paddington 2" ♪

Well, thank you so much, Nicola.

Featuring Keith.

Yep.

And of course, Keith from catering.

We actually started dating on the movie "Anna."

Let me tell you, things got pretty freaky.

♪ Whoa! ♪

No, don't please.

That's enough.

I can tell that's gonna be explicit.

Guys, we literally have nothing.

Where the hell are we gonna find a story?

We go to print in three hours!

I don't understand.

It's like no one has insane anecdotes anymore.

We're just gonna have to face it, gang.

This is the end of "What a Life"

Magazine, Morrison's 71st best-selling

bimonthly publication.

God!

Don't say that.

We can still turn this around. - How?

You know how.

No!

Becky, we can't.

We said we wouldn't do that anymore.

But it's our only hope.

It works every time.

She's right.

We're gonna have to do it.

We're gonna have to talk to--

Paula in accounts.

Good day, Paula.

Did you get up to much last night?

Oh, you know, dinner, telly, having

sex with my neighbor's ghost!

Come on!

Oh, that's lovely.

What's his name?

Frank!

Died of fatty liver disease 14 years ago.

His favorite drink was liquidated pork!

And do you guys have good chemistry?

Oh, as much as any woman and the ghost

of a dead Argos manager can!

You know, he reads me in the catalog after we've made love!

I like the toaster page.

This is perfect.

Let me write this down.

Why?

You're not putting me in your magazine again, are ya?

Oh, my god.

What?

No, no, we'd never do that.

We're just chatting about having

sex with paranormal beings like any group of colleagues do.

You're the office accountant.

You're the funniest person here.

Which reminds me, you had any good celebrity

encounters recently?

No.

Well, not unless you count the Ross Kemp thing.

What's that?

He ran me over four times this morning!

Four?

Yeah, I know!

We was laughing by the third.

He bought me a Twix in The Wild Bean Cafe.

Then he backed over me again in the food court.

Did you get a picture together?

Nah, but he signed my bag in elbow blood.

Oh, nice.

Let me get a snap of that.

Oh, I knew it.

You are putting me in your magazine again.

We're not, Paula.

We never have.

Oh, come off it!

Do you think I was born yesterday?

I saw last month's!

Remember, when I grew an extra mouth after spilling

baby bio on me chin!

Perhaps you forgot about the issue

before, when I went to Turkey and

accidentally married a goat!

You may recall this one, when I had an allergic reaction

to chlorine that made me look exactly

like Anthony Costa from Blue.

I filmed an episode of "Celebrity Tipping Point"

that week.

I won 5,000 for a dolphin charity.

They repeated that episode on ITV Quiz the other night.

You did so good.

Yes!

Thank you!

Judge Rinder's thick as shit, ain't he?

Well, guess what I'm trying to say is--

You just want to talk to us as colleagues.

Yeah, we respect your privacy and don't put everything

you say in over 300 issues of a magazine.

Or Photoshop you with a bucket of cement

stuck to your foot.

Yeah, exactly! 'Cause if you ask nicely,

I'd let you take a picture!

Sorry, Paula, your life is just mad.

I know.

Not many people have had 47 anal probes!

God knows what those aliens are looking for up there.

But I hope to god they find it!

All right, cup of tea?

Yeah. Cup of tea.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Thanks.

Well, what are we gonna do if we

can't print her stuff anymore?

We're gonna to have to close the magazine down.

I know it means we'll all lose our jobs,

but it's the right thing to do.

Agreed? - Agreed.

- Agreed. - Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Guys!

I've had triplets!

I didn't even know I was pregnant.

Oh, not again.

Sonny, call the printers.

We'll have an issue in an hour!

Beam me up, you bastards.

Let's get this over with.

I can never find anything in this thing.

Been there, girl.

Have you tried a bag organizer?

A bag organizer?

You heard.

With my Ship Shape bag insert, I can find

ú anything at a moment's notice.

Thanks to the Shipú Shape's lightweight feel,

@ structured lining, and 12 handy compartments,

I have my whole life at my fingertips.

That's enough out of you, bitch.

For the woman on the go, bag organizers

are costly and ineffective.

Plus, they make you look like you think you're better

than me, which you're not.

That's why I put my trust in Big Horrid Clump.

Big Horrid Clump is the effortless storage solution

for fun girls, messy girls, girls

with complicated friendship groups, water damaged

passports, and infections.

Since I gave myself over to Big Horrid Clump,

my possessions have never been so in a clump.

What's in my clump?

Who's the daddy?

There's no way of knowing.

It was an orgy.

Oh.

I hope it's yogurt.

It's all in the slump.

Big Horrid Clump is the only bag organization system

that does the work for you.

Got a load of crap?

Got a bag?

Just toss it all in there and let the clump times roll.

But doesn't that ultimately make your life harder?

Yeah, what if you need something

from inside the clump?

What then?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Big Horrid Clump.

It is big, it is horrid, and it is a clump.

We don't know why we do it or how to stop it,

but if we start tugging at that thread--

We're terrified of the hell we'll unleash.

Something bit me.

No.

Oh, no!

This is where the plague started!

Hello, I'm Darcey Grip.

And I'm Zoe Boast, and welcome back

ú to QVC's The Jewelry Store.

Today, we're delighted to be joined by our brand ambassador

for sparkle gems, Kirsty Frap.

How are you, Kirsty?

I'm good.

It's so lovely to be back, ladies.

Oh, it's lovely to have you back.

We've missed you.

Oh, well, it's actually because I've

@ had a few personal issues which have kept me away.

- I'm sorry to hear that. - That's OK.

Oh, I hope everything's all right.

It really is, and I'm so excited to be here today

to show off this fabulous new collection of gemstone

stacking rings.

I'm just looking at these pieces, Kirsty,

and I'm just thinking they are simply stunning.

I'm thinking the exact same thing, Zoe.

@ I'm looking at-- and just thinking, how gorgeous.

Absolutely.

That's it, ladies.

That's it.

And if we take a closer look, you

can see that these stacking rings just--

encapsulate the glittering prestige at the heart

of the Le Sparkle brand.

That really is a beautiful piece.

- What's wrong with your-- - Hey.

What's--

Now is--

What's wrong with my what?

Now, is that gemstone sapphire?

Yeah, it's actually tanzanite.

Tanzanite.

Yeah, it's tanzanite.

And you can just see it twinkle there.

I love--

I love a stacking ring.

Why is it so long?

The finger--

I'm so sorry.

It grew, OK?

It grew.

That's the personal issue that I've been dealing with.

Now it's taken me a lot of courage

to come back here and do this job, but I'm here,

and I'm doing it. - Have you been to the doctor?

No.

Not yet.

Why-- And that's because I've moved

house because of the rats, so I need to register with a new GP.

It's a whole thing.

Anyway--

Sorry, Kirsty, as you were saying.

Anyway.

It's OK.

It's all right.

So I'd like to now show you some

of these breathtaking pieces from the new summer

collection, OK?

Now the detail on these is simply stunning.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

They are-- they're beautiful pieces.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong with that hand?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

Sorry, I don't know.

So with this hand, yes.

Yes, I was aware.

This one, no.

Should I call 111?

Yes, please.

Right.

Now what-- what was I saying?

Um, so I think the detail is just stunning.

Yeah, that's it.

The detail-- the detail is simply stunning.

What is wrong with my fucking hand?

Yeah, the detail is unbelievable.

And-- and this can now be yours for an incredible-- well,

ú it's 2 pounds now, plus--

ú plus-- it's a great price.

ú - I don't have any signal.

That's OK.

I think I'm losing consciousness now.

Oh, well, thank you so much for dropping by, Kirsty.

Hopefully we won't have to wait too long

till we see you next time.

I reckon it's going to be another big gap

ú before we ever see her again.

Oh, it will, won't it?

Yeah.

So join us after the break.

We'll be attempting to flog you a neck Jacuzzi.

That's right.

It's a Jacuzzi for your neck, and it ain't cheap.

See you in a mo.

Ladies and gentlemen, Foo Fighters.

♪ Do I? ♪ ♪ Do I? ♪

♪ Here comes a test ♪

♪ Of a broken broadcast system ♪

♪ Consider this an evaluation ♪

♪ Of my hallucinations ♪

♪ But this is not a jest ♪

♪ This is a conversation ♪

♪ I got another proposition ♪

♪ Only under one condition ♪

♪ I got caught in the echo again ♪

♪ From side to side to side to side ♪

♪ I've been caught in the echo again ♪

♪ Decide decide decide decide ♪

♪ Do I? ♪ ♪ Do I? ♪

♪ Do I? ♪

♪ Here comes the crash ♪

♪ I'm moving in two directions ♪

♪ I move in conversation ♪

♪ Waiting for intersection ♪

♪ I wanna take it back ♪

♪ Nobody here is truly free ♪

♪ Consider this an emancipation ♪

♪ From all of my confusion ♪

♪ I've been caught in the echo again ♪

♪ From side to side to side to side ♪

♪ I've been caught in the echo again ♪

♪ From side to side to side to side ♪

♪ Do I? ♪ ♪ Do I? ♪

♪ Do I? ♪ ♪ Do I? ♪

♪ I've been caught in the echo ♪

♪ Sometimes you just gotta let go ♪

♪ Some things you can't divide ♪

♪ Some things you can't define ♪

♪ Sometimes you can't decide ♪

♪ Do I? ♪

♪ Some things you can't divide ♪

♪ Some things you can't define ♪

♪ Sometimes you can't decide ♪

♪ Do I? ♪

♪ Some things you can't divide ♪

♪ Some things you can't define ♪

♪ Sometimes you can't decide ♪

♪ Do I? ♪

♪ Some things you can't divide ♪

♪ Some things you can't define ♪

♪ Sometimes you can't decide ♪

♪ Do I? ♪

♪ Do I? ♪

♪ Some things you can't divide ♪

♪ Some things you can't define ♪

♪ Sometimes you can't decide ♪

♪ Do I? ♪

♪ Some things you can't divide ♪

♪ Some things you can't define ♪

♪ Sometimes you can't decide ♪

♪ Do I? ♪

It's Weekend Update with Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.

Good evening!

And welcome to Weekend Update.

I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano.

This week, the scandal surrounding the vetting

of Peter Mandelson, seen here repurposing his gimp leash,

has engulfed prime Minister Keir Starmer.

Starmer and Mandelson-- it's the age old story of man

meets man, man meets pedophile, pedophile meets pedophile meets

pedophile meets pedophile.

Man doesn't vet man properly.

Man has to resign.

Other man ought to resign.

Main pedophile still secretly alive in Tel Aviv.

It's a tale as old as time.

And it's hard for Starmer.

Imagine knowing your colleague is a massive creep,

but you continue working with him anyway

so you can keep your career.

We call it the Matt Lucas dilemma.

As a result of the Mandelson fallout,

civil servant Olly Robbins has been sacked.

No!

Not Olly Robbins.

Sir Oliver Robbins, permanent under-secretary

of state for foreign, commonwealth and

developmental affairs in the United Kingdom!

Who's that?

Yep, the mood is now so low in number 10

that Starmer has resorted to confidence building exercises.

You know the one where you stand on a chair full

backwards with your eyes closed and just hope the noose holds.

All this comes after allegations

that Peter Mandelson leaked secrets to a pedophile.

But what we're forgetting is that pedophiles are famously

good at keeping secrets.

It's their whole thing.

Well, not their whole thing.

Donald Trump has yet again extended

the ceasefire with Iran until peace talks conclude.

It's the third time this month that he has backed off

from escalating the conflict.

Well, at least after being on the cusp

of nuclear war so many times, when it finally comes,

it's going to feel amazing.

The Iran war has caused the price of condoms

to go up by 30% due to global trade issues.

Oh, good.

I can't wait to hear the phrase,

sorry babe, I actually can't wear one,

it's the Strait of Hormuz.

I don't mind there being a condom shortage

because I have a penis shortage.

In a video celebrating what would have been Queen

Elizabeth's 100th birthday, King Charles said that his late

mother would have been deeply troubled by much

in the modern world, because in the modern world, she's dead.

In the video, Charles celebrated his mother's legacy,

and we can all agree, the queen was a figure of courage and

dignity right up until the end, when

Paddington Bear, Death's tiny henchman, came to collect her.

The Peruvian king of the underworld offered her his paw

and escorted her to heaven, where they reigned

together for all eternity.

Happy birthday, Mom.

This week, former entertainer and

entertainer of sick formers, Russell Brand,

has announced he's running for London mayor.

And the London mayor is running away.

As part of his publicity drive,

Russell Brand was interviewed by Piers Morgan

yesterday in a show I'm affectionately

calling Women's Suicide Hour.

The NHS is under fire again, with Wes Streeting

commenting that female patients feel ignored.

Here to comment on the NHS endemic failure

in listening to women is the woman who can't be ignored!

I am the woman who can't be ignored.

Don't.

Don't even try it.

You, don't. Come on, boy.

Don't look away.

Don't do it.

Don't do it!

Sorry, what was your name?

Jenny Hesselbo.

Hi, Jenny. Oh, wow.

You really can't be ignored.

I know, babe.

♪ The minute I walk in the joint, da-da ♪

Now, I don't know the rest of the words,

but you try ignoring that intro.

It's electric.

How would you advise other women to not be ignored?

Right.

Big hats and loud farts.

Then own up to these farts.

You say, don't look at him, it was me, I made the fart.

And so when it comes to the NHS,

how do you get a doctor to really listen to you?

Yeah, yeah.

So, Paddy, when I go to the GP, I knock on the doctor's door,

tappity tap, tap, tap, tap.

Unusual rhythm.

Their interest is piqued.

Then I enter the room like this, I go, right.

And I look the doctor square in the eyes and I say, what's up,

doc, 'cause this is looking absolutely insane.

Then I whip my pants off, or maybe I get my foot out

and I say, look at this, you git.

Or, or, perhaps I'll dance around in my knickknacks

and I'll say, oh, doctor, it burns,

you know, something exciting.

Then I say, write me a prescription, you quack!

I bloody dare you, you bastard.

And does that work?

Well, they write me a prescription for something,

if you get my driftle.

♪ Don't tell me how to live ♪

♪ Just sit and putter ♪

Hey, hey.

Hey.

The point is this, right?

I am the-- the point is this--

I am the woman who the NHS cannot ignore.

Jenny?

♪ What now, my love! ♪

Jenny, do you think maybe the fact

you're a middle class white woman helps you not be ignored?

Yeah, it will also be that.

Jenny, we've run out of time.

Paddy, Paddy listen.

♪ This is a man's world ♪

♪ But it'd be nothing without a woman or a girl ♪

Whoa.

Jenny Hesselbo, the woman who can't be ignored, everybody.

The new Michael Jackson biopic

has been released in cinemas nationwide.

It's the first ever film to be rated 12 and under.

The intended third act of the Jackson biopic,

which was to depict the sexual abuse allegations,

has been scrapped for legal reasons,

leaving something short and underdeveloped.

It's what he would have wanted.

Kasha Sanderson of Bristol, has

been jailed for nine years for smuggling military grade

weapons and class A drugs into the UK.

Officers searched her car and found three submachine guns,

a Glock handgun, 9 pistols, 289 rounds of ammunition,

and 5 kilograms of heroin with a street value

of half a million pounds, making Kasha Sanderson

my Woman of the Week.

Tomorrow is the London Marathon, in which 60,000

runners are set to compete.

Here to talk about it is a man who's

running the London Marathon!

Can't stop.

On mile 9.

A man who's running the London Marathon, everybody!

Disgraced TV chef Gregg Wallace has announced

that he's moving to Italy.

It's thought he chose Italy because it's the only country

shaped like a woman's leg.

Once he is integrated into the local community,

Wallace will go by his new Italian name

"Gregori Sexipesti!

Ellen DeGeneres' building plans

for stables at her 22 pound million home in the Cotswolds

could be at risk over fears of how close the proposed site

is to sacred Roman relics.

Fragile, ancient, and strangely haunting, Ellen DeGeneres

moved to the UK in 2024.

This week, Meghan Markle headlined a woman-only

retreat in Australia.

It featured sound healing and a manifestation session

where women were encouraged to be their best selves.

Tickets cost around 2,000 pounds.

And I was sad I couldn't go.

The event would have been perfect for me,

since I'm a woman and I'm also a fucking idiot.

It's been announced that mobile phones are

set to be banned in schools, which means sadly, now,

many PE teachers will have to print

off pictures of their penis to send to students.

Tsunami waves hit Japan this week

after a powerful earthquake struck

the country's Northern Coast.

Scientists are unsure of the exact cause.

But initial reports suggest it's because your mum

sat down there.

An American big game hunter has

been crushed to death by a herd of elephants in Central Africa.

Medics on the scene did what they could.

But sadly, after seven hours of trying,

they just couldn't stop laughing.

His body has been taken back to his family,

where he was laid to rest in the center of the living room.

And now, it may seem like Britain

and the United States have drifted apart,

the special relationship is in trouble,

and something's happening with the Falklands.

I don't know what that is.

We could just keep making jokes about it.

But first, we do want to check, are you OK?

This is Hand in Hand--

in Hand with Ania, Paddy, and Jimmy.

Our American friend and Weekend Update legend,

Jimmy Fallon--

That's me.

is here to bring our countries back together.

Jimmy, we saw you from across the bar

and we really dig your vibe.

We're just two hosts sat next to a more famous host asking

him to boost our ratings.

Thanks, Paddy, or Ania.

Look, Jimmy, I know America's been

seeing a lot of other countries,

but we were your first love.

We've given each other so much.

We gave you Harry Styles.

Yeah, we took your Harry Styles and made Benson Boone.

Our one flips.

And sure we might not speak the same language,

but with a bit of effort, you could learn English.

And you guys could learn to floss.

Whoa, steady on there, Jimmy, lad!

I don't think so.

But we still get each other.

I mean, Paddy, you do a great Trump.

And Jimmy, you

do the greatest Mick Jagger.

♪ - (IMITATING MICK JAGGER) # Stop it you ♪

♪ Start it up ♪

♪ Stop it you ♪

And I can do a duck.

- Nice! - Nice.

Yeah.

Sure merging our cultures has gone badly in the past.

Look at Lily Allen's marriage.

Sometimes it goes well.

Look at Lily Allen's album.

And yes, we may say things differently,

but they mean the same thing, like "alu-mi-num."

- "Alu-mi-ni-yum." - Parking lot.

Car park.

Epstein.

Andrew.

Epstein.

Mandelson.

Epstein.

Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking was there?

Stephen Hawking was there.

On July the 4th, you celebrate leaving us.

But from this day forward, April the 25th will henceforth

be known as Co-dependence Day.

Take that, World Malaria Day!

Yeah, suck it, Malaria!

Tell them, Jimmy.

So let's celebrate our nations.

For Britain!

For America!

For Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young!

And I'm Ania Magliano!

And I'm Jimmy Fallon!

Good night!

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your

attention, please.

I wish we would have better news,

but our pilots have fallen unconscious.

So please, please remain calm.

Now, I have to ask, does anyone on board

have a valid pilot's license?

In that case, does anyone here think they can land a plane?

Yeah, I can.

Right.

So that is all the men.

Sorry, another question, have any of you

done anything even remotely similar to landing a plane?

Do you still think you could?

Yeah, I can still do it.

Well, we need to narrow this down.

So who here has gotten the closest to landing a plane?

Well, not to get my dick out, but I have been on a jet ski.

Oh!

Well done, bro. It's gonna be you.

OK.

Well, what we're actually looking for

is anything resembling aviation experience.

Oh!

I have access to the Virgin Atlantic Clubhouse.

Oh, come on!

That's so cool!

I am afraid of heights, though.

Will that be a problem? - No.

No, no.

The closer you get to the ground,

the less it'll be an issue, bro.

Oh, that's great.

We are getting really close.

So who's it gonna be?

Well, I literally just watched "Top Gun, Maverick."

So I feel like I'm in the zone.

The danger zone.

Yo!

Can I point out, that reference

doesn't entirely work.

"Danger Zone" is actually the theme to the first "Top Gun."

"Maverick's" theme is, of course,

Lady Gaga's "Hold My Hand."

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He should land it.

He knows most about planes!

Sorry, bro.

Well, can anyone do better than whatever that was?

Well, I'm actually really comfortable driving in France.

Ooh-la-la.

Oh, that's good.

I got my wife pregnant, like, first go.

One and done!

Oh, beautiful.

That is beautiful.

Wait a second, hold on, I wrote

a song called "Learn To Fly."

Shut up, Dave Grohl!

Because I've got another confession to make.

I have been in a cockpit before.

See, I always knew it'd be you.

That's right!

I was on holiday, Mykonos, Greece.

Me and my wife, I got ripped off by one of them

seafood restaurants.

Oh, they don't tell you that they charge by the gram.

My wife asked me to confront the waiter.

Give him a piece of my mind.

Simon, please don't do this.

And what did I do instead?

I just paid the bill.

Pathetic!

She couldn't look me in the eye for the rest of the trip.

Then came the flight home.

Oh, there's the link.

Just after takeoff, I snuck in the cockpit.

Slipped a little something into the pilots'

drinks to knock them out cold.

That way, it had to be me landing the plane.

No longer the coward in Mykonos.

But the hero in Luton!

Luton!

What I hadn't planned is that all the other men

would want to land it, too.

Hang on.

We've just come from Mykonos.

So you're talking about right now.

So that means you put all these people's

lives in danger just for me?

Kiss her!

Kiss her, man!

Yeah!

Oh, go on then!

Thank you for having faith in me.

Take us home!

- You got this, mate. - Wow!

Go on then. Go on, sir.

Land that plane.

You're my hero!

You got this.

Yeah!

You've got this, baby.

You got it?

No, no.

No idea.

Sorry, everyone.

Once again, Foo Fighters!

♪ I was a child actor ♪

♪ A face on the wall ♪

♪ Holding my breath ♪

♪ As I wait for the curtain to fall ♪

♪ Was it good enough? ♪

♪ Was it ever good enough? ♪

♪ Anything to be the person that you want ♪

♪ I was a child actor ♪

♪ Born to applause ♪

♪ Wasting away as I chase all the roles I've lost ♪

♪ Was I good enough? ♪

♪ Was I ever good enough? ♪

♪ Is it me that they see ♪

♪ When the cameras are off? ♪

♪ Won't you turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ I was a child actor ♪

♪ A name on the board ♪

♪ Losing myself as I use someone else's words ♪

♪ Is it true enough? ♪

♪ Is it ever true enough? ♪

♪ Understand who I am when the credits roll ♪

♪ Won't you turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Say, aren't you who I think you are? ♪

♪ Hey, aren't you who I think you are? ♪

♪ Where have I seen your face? ♪

♪ I've seen your face before ♪

♪ I don't know who you think you are ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off, ♪

♪ Turn the cameras off ♪

♪ I was a child actor ♪

I think we got him.

That killer can't hurt us anymore.

Worst hen do ever.

Next time, I'm booking a hotel.

Airbnb?

More like scare he and she.

No, but seriously, all of our friends are dead.

OK, look, I know I'm late.

But before you start, it's not my fault.

Oh, my God.

You wouldn't believe what's happened to us, Grace.

Oh, my God, literally the same for me.

I know I'm late again.

But in my defense, I didn't know about the tube strike.

My period pain is insane.

And when I was almost here, I had to go back in an Uber

because I had to check out my hair straighteners off.

We've had the worst night of our lives.

Oh, my God, are you guys mad at me?

Really?

Guys, I feel really attacked.

We've literally been attacked.

Oh, my God, I see.

Oh, you invited Katie.

Even though we're not speaking.

She's dead.

OK, yeah, that is sad.

But she literally touched my boyfriend's knee

at Mighty Hoopla.

And then she was like, really curt with me over text.

I bet she had a lot to say about me being

late before she was dead.

It honestly never came up.

Oh, wow.

So, like, no one even noticed that I wasn't here.

Well, I guess it wasn't a surprise

because you are always late.

Do you know what was a surprise?

A man jumping out of the cupboard!

OK, here we go.

I literally knew you were mad.

Yeah, of course, we're mad!

Look, is it ADHD or is it just CBA?

It is not my fault. I have always been a late girl.

My mom had to be induced.

If you're gonna be late, just say you're gonna be late.

We literally have you on Find My Friends.

We know your ass is at Creams.

I sent a text.

Oh, wow.

She sent a text.

Oh, wow.

She sent a text.

Yeah, obviously there's no signal in a creepy cabin

in the woods!

OK, so it's my fault Suzanne is dead?

It's my fault that her head got pulled from her body

like she was being pulled up on stage by Justin Bieber

to be his one less lonely girl?

God, that's funny.

This is exactly why we wish you weren't late, girl.

You are good crack.

Like I know it's true.

Look, guys, if I'm being honest,

I was late because I was literally

seeing A24's "The Drama."

I got Tracy's blood in my mouth.

Meanwhile, you were at Cineworld Islington,

nursing a tango ice blast?

You don't need to see "The Drama," girl.

You are the drama!

Guys, I just feel like every time we hang out,

I'm being told off for something.

For being late!

Right, sorry to chip in.

Sir, who are you and why are you getting involved?

Well, I was waiting to gain the strength

to jump out and kill you.

But I actually cannot sit here and listen to any more of this.

You were late.

Take some accountability.

Clive, you killed all the people without me.

Girl--

'Cause you were late!

"45 Seconds with Fouracres."

♪ Apples and oranges, raspberries ♪

ú ♪ Watermelon and kiwi fruit ♪

♪ Mangoes and blueberries and loads of grapes ♪

♪ And Epstein didn't kill himself ♪

♪ Green the field is full of corn ♪

♪ Lit by the light of an English morn ♪

♪ Daffodils bloom at the sky at dawn ♪

♪ And Epstein didn't kill himself ♪

♪ Daisies and carrots and peas and yams ♪

♪ Epstein didn't kill himself ♪

♪ Cauli and broco, zucchini flowers ♪

♪ Epstein didn't kill himself ♪

♪ Sing God's praise for the day he's made ♪

♪ The land and the sea to the world he gave ♪

♪ For killing the twat who stood to gain ♪

♪ From saying his name, we must refrain ♪

♪ Rocket and spinach and cavolo nero ♪

♪ Epstein didn't kill himself ♪

♪ Red sky at night, shepherd's delight ♪

♪ Epstein did not kill himself ♪

Goodnight, god bless, love you!

"45 Seconds with Fouracres."

My biggest thanks to the Foo Fighters, Jimmy Fallon, and

a huge thank you to the cast, writers,

and everyone on the show for such a great week.

I have had the best time.

It's been an honor to host.

Good night!