Original subtitles

Good evening.

Happy Easter.

In the strongest possible terms, hello.

Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech

on Wednesday, while others of you did not watch it.

For those who missed it, here's a summary.

You didn't miss much.

And honestly, I'm kicking meself.

I let you down.

But everyone deserves a second chance.

Peter Mandelson's had four or five, with many more to come.

So allow me to try again.

The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month.

But I can assure you, we are working at pace

towards a de-escalation.

And the pace we are working at is leisurely.

I know that, due to this war, Britons are already

struggling, not only in England but also in the top bit and

the side bits as well.

Life is getting harder.

And furthermore, goodbye.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm told there's a second page to my speech.

Oh, that's right, the inspiring part.

Look, I know I'm not inspiring.

When I applied to join the Samaritans,

I brought the vibe down so much that the interviewer

called the Samaritans.

So I've asked some Britons that people actually like to help

me put a pep in your step.

First up, England legend Harry Kane.

Yeah, cheers.

Nice one, gaffer.

Harry, why don't you give the nation one

of your rousing team talks?

Yeah.

Obviously, the Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing, uh,

waterway, always said that.

But yeah, you know, end of the day, you know,

Iran, solid attack, you know, solid in defense.

Uh, yeah, good at set pieces too.

So, yeah, you've just got to take it one war at a time and--

yeah, yeah, it's going to be nice.

Thank you, Harry.

Next up, a Briton with a smile that

could light up a room, which could be useful

when the power runs out.

Film and TV star, Olivia Colman.

Hello.

Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it, flirting with Iran

and playing with oil?

Next thing you know, there's an energy

shortage, where the power is off

and we're snogging in the dark.

Shh, shh.

Oh, aren't I naughty?

Thanks, Olivia, love the enthusiasm.

Our final speaker combines two of my greatest

interests, outstanding British television and pork.

It's Peppa Pig.

Cheer us up, Peppa.

Thank you, Daddy Keir.

Life is hell, but it doesn't last long.

And soon the sadness will end.

Thanks, Peppa.

You're very different from how you seem on the telly.

And you're very similar.

Well, there you have it.

Big thanks to Britain's big three--

Harry Kane, MBE, Olivia Colman, CBE, and Peppa Pig, PIGP.

Oh, no.

Here come the power cuts.

Fend for yourselves, everyone.

Olivia Colman's trying to kiss me.

And live from London, it's Saturday night!

It's "Saturday Night Live," with Hammed Animashaun.

Ayoade Bamgboye.

Larry Dean.

Celeste Dring.

George Fouracres.

Ania Magliano.

Annabel Marlow.

Al Nash.

Jack Shep.

Emma Sidi.

Paddy Young.

Musical guest, Kasabian.

ú And your host, Riz Ahmed.

Ladies and gentlemen, Riz Ahmed!

Yes, yes, yes.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Wow.

Hello.

My name is Riz Ahmed.

And it is an absolute honor to be hosting "SNL UK."

Now, I'm an actor.

I'm a writer.

I'm a producer.

And I'm a rapper.

So for those of you who don't know who I am, clearly, neither

do I. I'm working it out.

Mostly, I'm an actor, you know.

And contrary to popular belief, I don't

just play intense roles, OK?

I also do some, like, family feel good stuff.

Like, for example, do you guys-- do you guys

know the "Sound of Music"?

"Sound of Music," right?

Everyone loves "Sound of Music."

I did a film just like that called "Sound of Metal."

It's almost exactly the same.

It's about a musician who's slowly going deaf,

and he's a heroin addict who lives in a van,

just like "Sound of Music."

And it's feel good because you're not him.

But seriously, I've done some comedies as well.

Some of you might have seen a film I did called "Four Lions."

That's what I'm saying.

It's a feel good movie about characters

you can really root for.

Christmas movie.

But I actually have just created

and released my own comedy.

It's called "Bait."

It's just come out.

Thank you.

Thank you, man.

Yeah, it's about an out of work actor

auditioning to be James Bond.

And the character is going through an identity crisis.

And if you're wondering why I made

a comedy about someone having an identity crisis,

look at me, man.

I'm confused.

It's not my fault. I grew up in Wembley,

but I went to Oxford University.

And that's why I sound like this.

Like a mix between Stormzy and Rishi Sunak.

We've actually got a track together on my next album.

It's called "Oy, Rudeboy, Shut Up,

this is the Quiet Carriage."

It's a banger.

But I actually feel that even this show is having

an identity crisis in a way.

We're three episodes in and your hosts have

been American, Irish, and me.

Don't worry, next week, you know,

we're going to have one of the nation's

most prominent Asian comedians, Jack Whitehall.

You heard of him?

You've seen how much he goes on holiday with his parents, man.

That's so Asian.

That's so Asian!

Don't worry, Jack, your secret is safe with me.

Assalamu alaikum, brother.

But sometimes I feel like the whole nation's

having this identity crisis and that's why we're so

divided, right?

We're divided over politics, over the climate,

over the Beckhams.

But I think that I know how to solve it.

I think I can solve Britain's identity

crisis because I think there's one thing that unites us all.

In essence, what makes us British is we like it when

things are a little bit crap.

Not totally crap, but just a little bit crap, you know.

We like that.

We like it.

We like giving--

Thank you, yes.

We-- we like giving crap compliments, you know.

Someone says, he's a bit of a character.

That means you're a knob, you know.

And we like sports that are a bit crap.

Cricket can go on for five days and still be a draw.

And we like giving gifts that are a bit crap, you know,

like original sauce mint and tea tree shower gel.

My balls feel like they're in Siberia.

Thank you for that, Auntie, by the way.

We celebrate when things are a bit crap.

We literally cheer when someone drops

their pint glass in the pub.

That's the best of Britain.

We like it when things are a little bit--

Crap!

That's right.

So we've got a great show for you today.

A really great show.

Actually, no, we genuinely have a fantastic show.

It's very un-British of us.

We've got Kasabian here.

It's going to be a banger.

Stick around and watch this.

@ Hey, Dad, can you pick me up, now that mom's dead?

@ - Let me just search that up on the Glinkle app.

Well, while we're here.

Wait, Mom, slow down.

Jason, my brother, your son, has been arrested?

Don't panic.

I'll order a Goober there.

In today's challenge, our contestants

added a whopping 4,250 pounds to the prize fund.

But now it's time for the faithfuls

to return to the round table.

Can they uncover who amongst them is a great big crab man?

I'd like to start.

This experience has been amazing,

but at the end of the day, we need to find

the great big crab man.

But there's someone here I just don't trust.

And that person is--

It's yourself, Imran.

Great.

We're doing this again.

I know I was wrong about Kaya, Mehul, and Ife.

But I have a feeling I just can't shake.

Well I'm obviously not a great big crab man.

But to be fair, that is exactly what a great big crab

man would say.

OK.

I'm just going to come out and say it-- why is

nobody looking at Sebastian?

Whoa, whoa, I've only got two 100% not a great big crab man,

and it's myself and Sebastian.

Look at him, bro.

He's a flippin' crab!

See, getting defensive like that,

it only makes you look more like a great big crab man!

OK, OK.

What about today's challenge?

30 seconds, I got this!

Well, go towards it!

What's wrong with you, man?

Just go forwards!

Imran, he told us his ankles only work sideways!

Everybody knows he's trying to win the money

to pay for an ankle, Doctor!

OK, fine.

So why was he acting so weird at breakfast?

Because he's tired.

He can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water

for medical reasons.

Can I just say, I'm actually feeling

really uncomfortable by the energy in the room tonight?

To be fair to Imran--

to be fair to Imran, all I've seen Sebastian eat

is algae, seaweed and invertebrates.

And for me, that's suspicious.

The time for talk is over.

Now it's time to vote.

Time's up!

ú Enormous good luck, everyone.

I'm sorry.

It is what it is.

Sorry, girl.

Enron, I'm so sorry.

Love you, man.

Imran, you have received the most votes.

Would you like to join me, please?

Listen, yeah?

ú I've had an amazing time.

It's been an incredible journey,

and I've made friends for life, but

there's something weighing on my heart

and I've got to come out and say it.

I'm obviously not a great big crab man, you idiots!

Imran out!

What the hell are you playing at?

@ You've just voted off anotherú not a great big crab man,

and the real great big crab man is still

ú out there laughing at you.

OK.

ú OK, I'm just going to say it--

there is someone who isú slipping under the radar.

At tomorrow's round table, the person--

ú - Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye!

I'll pack my bags.

OK.

Hey, you're pretty good!

Operation?

Isn't that a game for, like, six-year-olds?

OK, why don't you give it a go, then?

OK, I will.

It's simple.

You just--

Ooh!

OK.

That was a warm-up.

- You can leave it, babe. - No, no, no, no.

It's fine.

It's easy.

Hey, babe.

Come to bed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One minute.

Kids, get in the car!

Mommy will be there in a sec.

Are you coming or not?

Oh, wow.

Get back!

Are you coming?

We're cutting the cake.

It's just a game!

It's not just a game!

It literally is!

It says it on the box!

It's 6 plus!

Stop looking at me!

I can't take it anymore.

We're leaving.

Hey.

I lifted it clean.

So I'm there, just fullyú committed, waving at them,

grinning like an idiot,úand they walk straight past me.

Oh, no!

ú - I felt like such a plum.

Oh, I've missed this.

I've missed you.

So have I.

Help! Help!

Is there a doctor in the house?

One of our diners have

Wait, I know this.

Honey, are you sure about this?

Everybody stand back.

Give me those.

What are you--

Oh, my God!

There's more blood than usual.

I'm going for the breadbasket.

Oh, my--

God help me!

What is all this?

Wishbone!

Where's the hook?

You have to believe me, it was supposed to be pieces.

The butterfly, the breadbasket!

Whatever, you're coming with me!

Olivia.

Olivia Colman!

Olivia!

This is OG FM coming at ya!

Old classics for old heads.

Soul '90s music all the time!

And we mean all the time!

When we wanna talk, we just turn it up--

turn it down very slightly.

On the decks, we got MC Twister, DJ, and

me, Lady Magnum Pink Lemonade!

And yes, all our names are types of ice cream!

Coincidence!

If you remember these tunes from back in the day,

then you are old!

Shout out to my middle aged brothers and sisters!

Nostalgia coming at ya!

All right, all right.

So tonight, we got some real talk for all you over 50s--

prostate cancer.

Real serious, but people don't talk about it

because it's a bad one.

Using our platform for good!

All right.

We got a mad guest in the studio here to educate us,

it's Dr. Rishi!

Come on, big ups, Dr. Rishi looking sharp!

I appreciate that.

Um, yeah, so, yeah, I mean, thanks for having me.

All right, doc, drop some knowledge on us!

Yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

Yeah, well, prostate cancer is a condition that

actually affects 1 in 8 men.

Shout out to Michelle in SW5, going hard on the weekend!

What were you saying, Dr. Rish?

Right, yeah.

Yeah, um, so the prostate, it's a small gland

that sits just behind the--

Shout out to Jane, the divorce is final!

She's back on the pill!

P-p-p-pill!

Take it away, doc!

Take it away!

OK, yeah.

Suppose-- well, you diet is very important.

Ayo, don't forget, Monday's a bank holiday!

Four-day week! Four-day week!

What?

Diet is something--

Tony in Stratham, just put his dog down.

Prayers up for the poodle!

Diet is something that--

East and South and West.

Statistically, around 55,000 new cases--

and North!

OK.

I was just trying to say just before, just there--

diet is a good way to minimize your risk.

Reducing red meat is sensible.

You should think about swapping it out with an oily fish,

perhaps a salmon or mackerel.

Ayo, big up the North Sea!

Come on.

Can we stop, please?

I'm sorry.

Can we just stop?

What's up, big man?

Is there any way you could just stop the music just

for, like, a minute? Because this is--

Sorry, doc, this is OG FM, all '90s music all the time!

Literally all the time!

Yes, my sister.

If you got something important to say,

you gotta ride the beat.

What do you mean, ride the beat?

Medical freestyle!

Off the dome!

- Seriously? - Yeah.

spit some wisdom, Dr. Rishi.

Yeah, tell the people what they gotta know.

Hippocratic oath.

OK, OK, fine, fine.

Yeah, OK.

Prostate, prostate, check it before it's too late?

Early detection is vital for your survival.

All right.

Turn my headphones up.

Up a bit more.

Yeah.

♪ Don't hide away, get your PSA ♪

♪ The blood test is best, so don't delay ♪

♪ No joking, stop smoking ♪

♪ I'm thinking, less drinking ♪

♪ Check your BMI ♪ ♪ If the number's high, ♪

♪ Then we'll make a plan ♪ ♪ Get your number right ♪

♪ If you're over 50, ♪

♪ Got a family history and the flow is weak ♪

♪ Then see your GP ♪

♪ All my G's in the back who are Black, ♪

♪ Your risk is higher, that's a fact ♪

♪ Don't be brave ♪

♪ Don't act like a trooper ♪

♪ If you got please don't wait for the future ♪

♪ Just go move her, ♪

♪ Hop in an Uber ♪

♪ Rish ID, happy birthday to ya! ♪

♪ And if there's blood in your pee, call 111 ♪

♪ Dr. Rishi, da, da, da, Dr. Rishi ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da, ♪ ♪ Da-da, ♪

♪ Da-da, de done. ♪

Oy!

Nice!

Yes!

Saving lives with the advice!

Dr. Rishi in the house!

Get checked!

Come on!

Ladies and gents, it's Kasabian!

♪ Steady as she goes ♪

♪ It's me again, hello ♪

♪ I can't stop the voices ♪

♪ And now it's you and me ♪

♪ And I am lost for words ♪

♪ I just keep on falling ♪

♪ Watch me go ♪

♪ I'm the great pretender ♪

♪ Whoa, no, ♪

♪ Baby blue ♪

♪ Now it's time for me to surrender ♪

♪ And we can dance again, dance again ♪

♪ We can dance again, dance again ♪

♪ Watch me as I go ♪

♪ I live in make-believe ♪

♪ And no one hears you calling ♪

♪ Where do you hide ♪

♪ If you don't know who you are ♪

♪ But you love it and you're not the same ♪

♪ So don't fear it now ♪

♪ Watch me go ♪

♪ I'm the great pretender ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Baby blue ♪

♪ Now it's time for me to surrender ♪

♪ And we can dance again, dance again ♪

♪ We can dance again, dance again, ♪

♪ We can dance again, dance again ♪

♪ Let's hear for the great pretender ♪

♪ We can dance again, dance again ♪

♪ You know we don't stop we can never surrender ♪

♪ We can dance again, dance again ♪

♪ Let's hear for the great pretender ♪

♪ You know we won't stop thinking ♪

♪ We can never surrender ♪

♪ ♪

It's "Weekend Update" with Ania Magliano and Paddy Young!

Good evening, and welcome to "Weekend Update."

I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano.

The war between Iran and the US has entered its second month.

Second month?

Ooh, it's starting to get serious!

This week, a US airstrike destroyed

Iran's largest bridge.

Responding to criticism for targeting

civilian infrastructure, a senior US military official

said, "Oh, my God, we're so sorry.

We thought it was a school."

President Trump has criticized the UK's Navy for being,

quote, "too old."

Too old for Donald Trump?

What is it, 18?

Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and

outdated, one Admiral said, "I'm going to go there and

give him a piece of my mind just

as soon as the wind picks up."

It's true, the UK only has one submarine

and half the crew are dead.

Now, new data published by the NHS

shows that in the last five years,

referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have quadrupled.

Well, they think they've quadrupled.

They actually look fine.

It's been revealed that Meta billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is

building a bunker under his compound in California,

and I hope he uses that bunker in exactly

the same way Hitler did.

In big media news, DJ Scott Mills was fired from his job

at the BBC.

This after police searched the Radio Two presenters hard drive

and found over a hundred terabytes of decent music.

In the last two weeks, online phenomenon "Fruit Love Island"

has taken the internet by storm.

It's just like normal "Love Island," but the twist?

The contestants are AI-generated fruit.

Yes, this is genuinely a real thing that millions of people

are tuning into every day.

Here to comment on this viral sensation is

random former real "Love Island"

contestant Chloe Bibby Rinkle.

Oh my, no!

No, it's so muggy!

AI's nicked my job!

It's taken me, a human professional lady, years

to perfect the art of shaking a cock under a bed sheet.

Yeah.

Now people want to see a raspberry do it instead.

Sorry, what is that you're doing with your hands?

Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs

to quell the flow of my tears.

It's giving Kleenex.

Which series were you in?

Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and 3/4, The Villa in Djibouti.

And what's it actually like to be on the show?

Oh my God, it's amazing.

So, OK, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way.

Then imagine there's a pool, but none of us like to swim.

Then imagine the memory of "UK Garage."

Then imagine getting a text.

It was like that.

And did you find love in the villa?

Oh, yeah, I caught feels for ZBD.

But get this.

Week after we left, I found out he was in fact

a mirage due to my heatstroke.

Sorry, but why do so much grafting when you're a mirage?

I've sworn off mirages now.

Big dicks, though.

Maybe it's for the best that you've

been replaced with AI fruit.

Like, with love and light, you don't seem well.

Yeah, I'm moving spooky.

I'm moving spooky.

Cause like, Ania, 'course I would love

to be a cherry with a fanny.

Of course, I would.

But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain,

like it or lump it.

If the British public wants to see a peach cracking

onto a tomato, then so be it.

A tomato isn't a fruit, by the way.

It is a fruit!

Right, I've had--

He's not worth it.

"Love Island" contestant Chloe Biddy.

Fruit, everybody.

It's Easter.

That's right, the time of year where

we celebrate the only murdered Palestinian

we're allowed to talk about.

And over Easter, the NHS crisis continues.

Keir Starmer, seen here describing his favorite shape

of box, has been unable to convince doctors to call off

their upcoming six-day strike.

So a gentle reminder, that with no doctors on call,

what goes up your butt will stay up your butt

for the best part of a week.

It will be the best part.

According to a police report, at the scene of his car

crash in Florida last week, Tiger Woods had two

opioid pills in his pocket.

Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket

because he'd run out of room in his bloodstream.

The Artemis II mission has seen

four NASA astronauts set off for the far side of the moon.

And if you're wondering why they're

so obsessed with the back of the moon,

that's where the bum is.

Inspired by the success of Artemis II,

Britain's Space Agency is planning to launch

its own rocket to the moon.

And it will, just as soon as the wind picks up.

In lighter news this week, an adorable little dormouse

was found dozing in an old helium balloon

caught in a tree in Essex.

Here to tell us about his big adventure

is an adorable little dormouse.

Hi, guys.

I'm adorable to be here.

Aw.

Aw, you're so cute.

It is so wonderful to have you here,

an adorable little dormouse.

Cool.

Look at all these big, scary cameras.

Oh, it's OK.

Don't be intimidated.

OK, camera 3, where you at?

Camera 3, where are you at?

OK, camera 3, you got me, girl?

@ Hey, Vogue, I'm an adorable little dormouse,

ú and this is what's in my bag.

@ OK, so up first, you just knowú it's a little buttercup that I

sometimes wear as a hat.

And next up.

Oh, I don't go anywhere without my Aesop hyaluronic face

mist defense barrier.

Shout out to Aesop.

And up next, this one's kind of a little bit crazy and a bit

freaky, but it's hot sauce.

Sorry, are you just making content?

I'm an influencer, Ania.

My adorable story is blowing up, and it's my time to shine.

I'm only going to live for four years, Ania,

and I'll spend three of those years hibernating.

I've got to grab my moment.

And that's why over the course of this answer,

I've already moved on from being an influencer to being

a red carpet reporter.

Ania, Ania.

Hey, guys, we're here with Bershka Jeans.

What are you wearing, girl?

Tell me, what you're wearing?

Don't tell me, it's the Boys with Character Collection

from Georgia Asda.

You look amazing, Ania girl.

You hungry, girl?

Uh--

And my subway take, I think that--

I think that raspberries are nice.

90%, 90%, 90% agree.

Oh, wow.

He's so cute.

You really are moving through the life cycle of fame

at an unbelievable rate.

Welcome back to of "Dormice and Men,"

where I'm talking with my guest, Ania Magliano,

about me being adorable.

Oh, you've got a podcast now.

Being adorable was always my superpower, you know.

Suddenly, I realized that people

wanted me to be adorable all the time,

and I could never be off.

Sorry, sorry.

But now, my listeners can get help to switch off thanks

to our sponsor Dignitas.

Dignitas?

Is that bad?

Sorry, please don't cancel me.

No, we can never--

we could never cancel, you adorable little dormouse.

Well, wait and see.

I have invested my money in some weird things.

Adorable little dormouse, everybody.

Five Met police officers have been taken off duty

after a bag of guns was accidentally

left on the street in London.

I feel sorry for the police.

Sometimes you're so busy killing

women that you forget where you left your bloody machine gun.

It's what I'm like.

The government is passing new laws

to make it easier to cancel online subscriptions and

unwanted auto renewals.

Good news for me, bad news for Dr. Chubb's Penis

Pump Emporium, whose Platinum Club is about to lose a member.

A rainbow boa constrictor has miraculously

given birth without fertilization

for the second time.

Does anyone else find it kind of weird that God

keeps bonking this snake?

A peacock named Pete, who has recently taken up

residence in Surrey, has reportedly learned to knock

on doors with his beak.

Sadly, he's doing so to alert the neighborhood that he's

a registered sex offender.

According to a new report from the Department of Education,

children under 5 should have no more than one hour

of screen time per day to help improve physical health

and family relationships.

To discuss the impact this might have on parenting,

here's a father and son who still do skin on skin.

Thank you for having us.

No problem.

Now, let's talk about screen time.

Oh, it's a scourge.

It breaks my heart to get up that cavalry

and see our families glued to their phones.

Nobody looking at the pork.

Why can't everyone just be normal?

Yeah.

My boys never looked at a screen.

And look at him.

He's thriving.

Yeah, you guys clearly have a strong bond.

Is that because you're screen-free?

Yeah, I don't need an iPad.

I can just pad this chest until the happy hormones

start g-g-gushing.

Why are you still doing this?

Well, the midwife recommended it for as long as you can.

It was great when I were a baby,

but it's better now I'm 32.

It's nice to know if things are stressful at work.

I can get home and get right onto dad.

How does it reduce stress?

Many, many ways.

Regulates heart rate, slows the breathing,

helps with the breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding?

Man, I got the glands as well.

He just takes discipline, Paddy.

Nobody has discipline these days.

Are you smelling his head?

Yeah!

That's the best bit.

You know that newb--

did you know that newborn baby smell?

Well, it's that, but older.

This is unconventional, but I have to say,

you guys seem really happy.

There's always room for one more, Paddy.

Last Christmas, we got two uncles and a cousin on here.

Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad.

Don't be a stranger.

Thank you, father and son, who still do skin-on-skin.

Oh, let me get in here!

For "Weekend Update," I'm Paddy Young.

I'm Ania Magliano, good night!

Good evening.

We are gathered here because the Royal Society of Literature

issued a challenge to conceive a work of Gothic horror

that taps into mankind's deepest, most universal fears.

Tonight, three authors present their works--

Ms. Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorn,

and Sir Humphrey Cosgrove.

Ms. Faust, you have the floor.

Tonight, I present the story of an immortal count who feeds

upon the blood of the living.

I call it Nosferatu.

Quite horrifying.

Mr. Blackthorn?

In my hands, the tale of a man cursed by the moon

with an insatiable bloodlust.

I give you The Wolf Man.

And finally, Sir Humphrey.

Esteemed colleagues, I present

a tale of unspeakable terror.

I give you The Bastard Seagull.

OK.

OK, questions?

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Is this like an evil seagull, or--?

It won't bloody leave.

Bastard!

OK.

Not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort, perhaps.

Now let's hear a passage from Ms. Faust.

Reading, gentlemen.

It was dawn-- that fragile hour when night still clings

to the edges of the world.

The man awoke with a start to find the seagull very close--

but a pubes length from his face.

He screamed.

But the bastard didn't give one single toss.

OK.

Let's move on, Mr. Blackthorne.

Sorry, why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom?

It keeps coming in the window.

Why doesn't he just shut it?

It's stuck.

It's like one of those old sash windows,

and it's totally jammed.

Sorry, is the whole book about a man who

has a seagull in his bedroom?

Not all of it.

Some of it's about trying to get

in touch with your landlord.

Sir Humphrey, may I remind you,

this is meant to be a work of Gothic horror.

This is clearly a household maintenance issue.

Yes, Mr. Blackthorn?

Thank you.

Why can't he just fix the window?

He's tried.

Every time he gets anywhere near it, they all go mental.

Wait, there's more than one seagull?

Yeah, the bastard brought his bastard friend.

Honestly, it feels more like their place than his

at this point.

God's sake!

Please, can we move on to one of the other books?

Yes, you, sir?

Hi!

Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird

of prey to scare them off?

He got an owl!

And it's only made it worse cause

the seagulls didn't leave.

And now the owl thinks he's its baby,

and it gives vomiting, dissolved

field mice down his throat.

Well, yeah-- yeah, now tell me about it.

And the whole room stinks.

And now there's a badger.

Stop, sir!

Stop!

You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears,

but this I think, is something that's

happened specifically to you.

Because you can't close your window.

How dare you, sir!

The Bastard Seagull is a work of universal terror!

There's nothing scary about a seagull, sir.

I told you!

We don't listen!

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Kasabian!

♪ We arrived at the same place ♪

♪ Hypnotized by the lights upon your face ♪

♪ Bodies moving, the floor shakes ♪

♪ Eyes wide open, ♪

♪ Now we can both escape ♪

♪ Now we're finally here together ♪

♪ Seeing you relieves the pressure ♪

♪ We've been through the stormy weather ♪

♪ Release the pressure, ♪

♪ Release the pressure ♪

♪ Release the pressure, ♪

♪ Release the pressure ♪

♪ Release the pressure, ♪

♪ Release the pressure ♪

♪ We arrived at the same place ♪

♪ Hypnotized by the lights upon your face ♪

♪ We were so far from home, ♪

♪ Lost down a rabbit hole ♪

♪ No one to save our soul, about to lose control ♪

♪ We were so far from home, ♪

♪ Lost down a rabbit hole ♪

♪ No one to save our soul, ♪

♪ About to lose control ♪

Get your hands in the air.

♪ On your # three # piece suite.

Shake!

♪ Now we're finally here together ♪

♪ Seeing you relieves the pressure ♪

♪ We've been through the stormy weather ♪

♪ Release the pressure, ♪

♪ Release the pressure ♪

♪ Release the pressure, ♪

♪ Release the pressure ♪

♪ Release the pressure, ♪

♪ Release the pressure ♪

♪ I wanna save my soul ♪

♪ I'm coming in, I'm coming in ♪

♪ yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, ♪

♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo ♪

♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. ♪

Basically, I keep having nightmares

that I'm going to leave my baby on the bus, which is weird

because I never take the bus.

Sasha, darling, you could leave your baby anywhere.

Hi, hi. Sorry we're late.

Sorry, hi.

You must be Nick?

Well, welcome. - Oh, thank you.

Look, before you meet my partner,

I just wanted to give you a heads up.

Big weekend coming up.

A lot of big feelings.

No one look at me.

I'm a house.

Oh my God, that's the Easter Bunny.

Aw. We'll do pickies later.

Nick, give me a hand.

Yeah, just give me your weight, baby.

Just trust me. - Don't drop me.

Just trust me. Give me your weight.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Oh, Pascal, can I just say, it's so nice to see

another gay couple here.

Yeah, seriously, so nice.

We meet a couple like you, and it's like, yeah, they are

the exact same thing as us.

I don't know about exact same thing.

So, Nick and Pascal, how are you feeling?

Oh, gosh, I mean, all the normal stuff, I think, right?

Nervous, excited.

Yeah, yeah, really stressed about pushing all 82 million

of them out.

But hey, what are people supposed to do?

Not have Easter eggs.

What?

Oh my God.

You give birth to Easter eggs?

No, he does.

I assumed-- gosh, sorry.

I suddenly feel a bit sick.

I assumed Easter eggs were all made in factories.

Then I suggest you educate yourself

on queer history, my love.

Somehow, I don't think it's a queer thing.

Well, what is it then?

I don't know anything about gay culture,

so this is a real education for me.

No, please don't learn anything from this.

Well, I think it's a very generous thing

you're doing, carrying all those eggs

and giving them away to people.

Oh, thanks, doll.

I mean, my body's shot.

My nipples are so long, you could braid them.

Oh, that's a good idea for Bella's wedding, you know,

braid my nipples

Actually, yeah, that's really good.

You must be so proud watching the whole nation eat them?

What?

He thinks people raise the eggs as their children.

Can we please not pull the curtain back on this?

Thank you.

My ears are famously huge, Nick.

You're not even covering up the holes.

Babe, babe, babe, don't freak out.

No, no, no, no.

Is it true what he said, the foreign one?

I'm Scottish.

Babe, the eggs, they're chocolate.

Nick, you're scaring me.

Chocolate is food, Pascal.

I can't shield you from this anymore.

They eat the eggs because chocolate is food.

But hey, hey, those eggs make a lot of people very happy.

They-- they do?

Yes.

Yes, children and adults who are too close to their parents.

And people who win crap raffles in May.

They give so many people so much joy.

I love you so much.

I'm so proud of you, and I'm proud of us,

and I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of us.

Is it rude to ask, like, where the eggs come out of?

How dare you?

This rabbit has been giving birth every year since 1873.

Crackhouse pitbulls lead better lives.

You know what?

I am wrung out like a flannel, and you've done nothing

but belittle me, him, and our community since we've arrived.

Boys, as an ally, I am mortified.

Do you know what?

Just save your apologies.

He's due any minute, and the birthing process

is literally one of the scariest things

you can possibly imagine.

So we're leaving. - Help me up, Nick.

Give me your weight, baby. Surrender to me.

- Don't drop me. - Surrender to me.

OK.

Get the bags, get the bags.

Get the car ready.

It's outrageous.

I don't know why we even bother.

And they come out the back.

Wow!

Make some noise.

My biggest thanks to Kasabian.

And a huge thank you to the cast, the writers, everyone

working on tonight's show for making this such

an unforgettable week.

Thank you so much for tuning in, for turning

up, and good night.