Original subtitles

@ - In 1997, MI5's top agents gathered in Thames House

for a secret meeting.

This is that meeting.

Director, Prince Andrew is here for his briefing.

Your Majesty, thank you.

I came as soon as I could.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

We appreciate that with the recent passing of Diana,

this is a difficult time for the family.

She was such a beautiful woman.

Prince Andrew, no one knows better than us how charming,

capable, fiercely intelligent and morally upstanding you are.

You are a credit to princes everywhere.

You're too kind.

Since the death of Diana, the public

have turned on Prince Charles.

But still, one day, he will be king.

We need to make him look good.

There's no easy way to say this, Your Highness.

We have deduced that the only way

to increase the likability of our future king

is to decrease the likability of everyone around him.

I see.

Well, I love my brother, I love my country,

and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

We hoped you'd say that.

We have prepared a 29-year plan

to slowly but surely make the entire

country think you are a--

Well, have a little read.

Huh.

It's, uh--

Huh.

We're aware it's a lot.

And you actually want me to do all of this stuff?

Sadly, yes.

Even the part about befriending

a notorious pedophile?

That's an important part of it, yeah.

Before and after he's convicted.

Right, OK.

Of course.

And there's absolutely no other way

to make my brother look good?

We'll we're also going to push

an environmental angle for him, but it will be half-assed.

This all seems very high risk.

God, I'm sweating.

Of course you are, Andrew.

Of course you are.

But surely you can't make everyone

around Charles unlikable.

I mean, what about William?

He's so handsome.

We're seeing to that.

And Harry?

He's going to marry a woman 98% of the UK public

will find it impossible to have a normal conversation about.

Oh, heavens.

I'm afraid this will kill Mummy when the news comes out.

Turn to page 72.

It will.

Gosh, I'm afraid of doing this alone.

Isn't there anyone in government who can

go on this journey with me?

Send in Agent Mandelson.

Gentlemen.

Peter Mandelson, the most honorable,

ethical politician we have.

No one will believe he's corruptible.

I'm sorry, Andrew.

The responsibility on our shoulders

is more than any man can bear.

And are people going to think you did all this stuff?

Kind of.

Well, for Britain, I'm in.

I'm in too.

Fergie?

Sorry I'm late.

What do you need?

Nothing, Fergie.

You've done so much already.

What's she doing here?

We got divorced a year ago.

Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll since '86.

You wouldn't believe how good she's made you

guys look by comparison.

I know, and I know I can do more, go further, be more odd.

I could drop more nudes, suck more toes,

make my walk even weirder.

The one thing that might help is

if you stay by Andrew's side.

Live with him without explanation

for the next 29 years.

Sure, I was going to do that anyway.

And remember, Your Highness, if you're ever in too deep,

just say the code word and we'll step in to save you.

What's the code word?

Pizza Express, woking.

I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into a conversation,

but I'll make it sound as natural as possible.

Good man, good man.

Well, here goes nothing.

Gentlemen, thank you.

And say goodbye to the man you know and love.

I'll see you in 2026 where I can finally

hold my head up high and say--

Live from London, it's Saturday night!

It's "Saturday Night Live."

with

Hammed Animashaun.

Ayoade Bamgboye.

Larry Dean.

Celeste Dring.

George Fouracres.

Ania Magliano.

Annabel Marlow.

Al Nash.

Jack Shep.

Emma Sidi.

Paddy Young.

ú Musical guest, Wolf Alice.

ú And your host, Jamie Dornan.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Dornan.

Thank you.

Thank you!

Thank you very much.

I'm very happy to be here as the first

ever host of "SNL UK," since the first

ever host of "SNL UK."

My name is Jamie Dornan.

I'm the star of "The Fall," the Oscar-winning film,

"Belfast," and of course, your auntie's favorite dreams.

Now, over the years, it's fair to say

you've all seen a lot of me.

And by that, I mean my arse.

But there is another part of me that you've not seen.

So tonight, I've decided--

to follow broadcast guidelines and keep it that way.

But I will reveal something far more intimate about myself.

Because I'm not just a sex symbol, who

looks sexy in everything he does,

I am also a guy who collects rocks

That look like potatoes.

Bring them out, boys.

Come on.

They're my girls.

Look at these gorgeous little things.

And no, this isn't a joke.

God knows, I wish it was.

@ And if you-- if you Googleú Jamie Dornan Potato Rocks,

you'll see that I'm telling the truth.

Trust me, this is real.

I look for these when I'm on holiday.

I mean, this one looks exactly like a chip.

You know, people say, well, you can't

care that much, because you've only got five,

but that's wrong.

If I cared less, I'd have way more.

My standards are, like, very, very high.

Like, take this one, for example.

Can we get a close up on this.

I mean, isn't she beautiful?

Seriously, this is who you want to sleep with?

Not me, your rock suck.

I think they're suck.

Hang on.

I recognize that voice.

Was that Chris O'Dowd?

That's right, it's me, your greatest enemy and

personal friend, Chris O'Dowd.

Yeah.

What's going on?

Yeah.

Couldn't help but notice that you're showing

off your spud rocks again--

You pebble slag.

Seriously, Chris.

I mean, do you really have to turn up

in the middle of everything I do and ruin it?

Is that what you're going to do?

Well, it seems that maybe I do have to do that, Jamie.

OK.

I don't really-- I mean, what do you want?

Well, you are the man who's got everything, huh?

But maybe you don't have everything.

Maybe you're missing a little something.

You've swapped one of my rocks for a potato?

Yes, I did do that for some reason!

And here's the best bit, huh.

Smell it.

I'm not-- I'm not going to--

Smell my spud, Dornan.

Yeah, that's right.

It's not even Irish.

It's just domestic slop.

OK. Right.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to deal with this.

We've got a great one for you tonight.

Wolf Alice are here.

So stick around.

Enjoy the show.

Right, come on, now give me that back right now.

Hola, amigos.

We out here in Bristol Airport and we are going to España.

España.

The most beautiful place in the world, A country

of art, culture, and culinary delights.

And when we get there, there's only

one place we're going to go.

♪ To the British-themed pub, pub, pub, pub ♪

♪ Just like Britain but in Spain ♪

♪ Is the British-themed pub, pub, pub, pub ♪

♪ It's run by Gary and Jane ♪

@ ♪ It's the British-themed pub, pub, pub, pub ♪

♪ You got a shirt in the frame ♪

♪ At the British-themed pub, pub, pub, pub, pub ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

ú ♪ it's the British-themed ♪

♪ I know a place that I gotta get to ♪

♪ Package holiday flying jet to ♪

♪ Thee-euro beer, two-eruo shot ♪

♪ It's just like the pub by my house, but hot ♪

♪ Alicante, Mallorca, and Benidorm ♪

♪ I don't want to speak Spanish in any form ♪

♪ England football shirt in my carry-on ♪

♪ So everybody knows I'm also from where they are from ♪

♪ Everything we need ♪

♪ Menus we can read ♪

♪ On the big screen ♪

♪ They got West Ham leads ♪

♪ Come on ♪

ú ♪ Flexin' while we Brexitin' ♪

ú ♪ No Spanish in my Lexicon ♪

ú ♪ I'm wearing a sombrero ♪

♪ Even though this is a Mexican ♪

@ ♪ I met a lass from Preston ♪ ♪ Now we're sexin' ♪

♪ No protection ♪ú ♪ Make a bunch of babies ♪

♪ Bring it back to the ♪

♪ British-themed pub, pub, pub, pub ♪

♪ We're in the Mediterranean ♪

♪ British-themed pub, pub, pub, pub ♪

♪ And we don't speak Spanian ♪

ú ♪ No Lays inport the walkers ♪

♪ In my little pie, yeah ♪

♪ That's where the pork is ♪

♪ HB, Winchester got all the sauces ♪

♪ Menu so extravagant ♪

♪ I'm having four courses ♪

♪ Eggs and chips ♪

♪ Pasta and chips ♪

♪ Fish fingers in the frozen garlic bread and onion rings ♪

♪ Neil Diamond tribute band playing the hits ♪

♪ Sunburn ladies are swinging the hips ♪

♪ Oh, we're going to Ibiza ♪

♪ Me and all my chicas ♪

♪ To eat some chips and pizza ♪

♪ And at the British-themed pub, pub, pub, pub ♪

♪ I'm playing darts with dad ♪

♪ At the British-themed pub, pub, pub, pub ♪

♪ Why does Melissa look sad? ♪

♪ I don't understand ♪

What the fuck are you talking about?

Don't just make up words.

Guys, this isn't right.

We've come all this way just to replicate our own culture.

Like, surely we should at least broaden our horizons.

She's right, we're too narrow-minded.

There's got to be more to Spain than British-themed pubs.

Hey.

I know a place.

Follow me.

♪ To the Irish-themed pub, pub, pub, pub ♪

♪ The only thing better than a British ♪

♪ Is an Irish-themed pub, pub, pub, pub ♪

♪ Even though they are quite similar ♪

♪ An Irish-themed pub ♪

♪ Come on, you sexy mamas ♪

ú ♪ I got the Irish tapas ♪

♪ No patatas bravas ♪

♪ But I got the plain patatas ♪

♪ From Dublin to Marbella ♪

♪ I've never tried paella ♪

♪ But I'm a lucky fella ♪

♪ Cause I own an Irish-themed pub ♪

♪ In Spain ♪

I've got Amy.

She's alive.

And she stays that way if you listen carefully.

I need 250 grand in cash.

So I guess, how much do you care about your girlfriend?

What?

What?

Hi, sorry.

Um.

Um, it's just-- we haven't really been,

um, saying girlfriend, boyfriend.

But I'm really comfortable with, like, everything

else you've said so far. - Shut up.

I'm warning you.

I've got Amy.

She's alive.

And if you want to see your friend--

Oh, no.

Sorry.

Just to clarify, we are seeing each other.

Like, he's practically my boyfriend.

Yeah, you got it. You go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

I've got Amy.

She's alive.

God, it would just literally kill me

if he knew I was referring to him as my boyfriend.

OK.

So you are sleeping together?

Yeah.

So basically we--

we were friends first.

Um, and then we had this kiss.

But it was just this, like, drunk thing.

Like, we didn't even speak about it,

which is, like, crazy.

Like, you would have thought, like, I'd have the confidence

to, like, just bring it up.

But, like, I'm not an extrovert like what everyone thinks.

Like--

like, I'm hesitant to join a conga line, for God's sake.

So yeah, then, like, a few weeks later, we, um--

we randomly slept together.

And then we just, like, kept sleeping together.

And then you put me in the boot of your car,

and now we're here.

So, like, what would you define that?

Listen.

When I was watching you both through the tiny crack

in the wardrobe door--

I thought you looked really comfortable together.

Oh, my God!

Girl, thank you for saying.

Um--

Like, I don't know.

Like, we do know each other intimately.

And, like-- like, I could describe

his handwriting to you.

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry.

I don't know why I'm getting so upset.

No!

No, of course.

I mean, this is an intense situation.

I've got a gun.

I know I should just, like, not care,

but, like, he's so fit.

Like, he's like a fit version of you.

Oh.

I mean, hey, you don't have to tell me twice.

You know, I saw him when I was creeping on you.

OK, like, you can, like, totally say

if this is crazy, obviously, but, like,

do you think there's a way you could

ask him where his head's at?

Girl, I gotta ask for the money anyway, so of course!

Oh!

Just send it on my phone.

Oh, I probably should have taken that off you beforehand.

Probably.

So I'll text him.

No, we're not married, just Instagram DM.

I have Amy.

I need to know, do you care about her?

Do you want her to be your girlfriend?

Do you have other girls to fall back on if she goes missing?

I mean, what are your hopes for the future?

Like, do you even want to have kids?

And once I know all that, I'll send through the demands.

Oh my God!!

- I know! - I feel so nervous!

I know, like, what if he ends me?

Ooh.

Hey, if he won't pay you-- if he won't pay 250 grand

to stop me from chopping you into little pieces,

then he doesn't deserve you.

Aww.

Oh, my God, he's typing.

He stopped?

Oh, should I send him another text?

No, no, no, don't double text.

Maybe we should upload an Instagram story

of your little girl hand in my boy hand.

Oh, my God.

OK, it's genius.

Oh, my God, he sent a video.

@ - Mm, mm, May, yo, listen, I'mú sorry that you were being held

hostage like that and all that--

@ and all that stuff, but I just feel like I really

ú need to be single right now.

Obviously, like, if you do escape, then link me

ú and I can-- babe, I'm coming.

Babe, oh my God.

Babe.

Aw.

Oh, my God.

I'm-- I'm so sorry that's happened to you, babe.

Babe, like, I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Like, you clearly put so much work into, like,

setting this whole thing up.

No, it's, like, so-- so not on that.

I'm going to have to kill you now.

Babe, like, in the spirit of being direct,

like, I have taken your gun.

OK!

And I am going to escape!

Oh, she's the CEO of her own future!

Aww.

Promise me you won't go back to him.

Babe.

I will.

Eleanor.

Sweetheart, it's 1:00 in the morning.

What are you doing?

Putting the clocks forward, daddy.

Daylight Saving Time.

If we don't change the clocks tonight, he'll get us.

Who's going to give us, Eleanor?

The Time Man.

He waits for us at the end of every year

and brings the new one in with song.

He keeps the seasons in his pockets.

The keeper of the clocks, the Boogie Woogie Man.

Jools Holland.

That's just a myth, Eleanor.

It's true!

He brings the new year in with his hootenanny.

And every spring, he flies across the country to check

that we've changed the clocks.

Have you forgotten?

He imprisons our souls in his Boogie Woogie Wonderland.

I know all the stories. Come on, let's get to bed.

OK?

It's too late.

He's here.

Who?

Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia Dean!

Clocks forward now!

5, 4-- better change your clocks.

I'm nearly here-- 3--

Hide!

2.

Hello!

1--

Good evening, everybody.

Have you had a good winter?

It's Jamie Cullens here!

Joss Stone, everyone, playing a cut of her

new album "Super Duper Loud."

I'm certain, .

He wants his hour.

If we give him his hour, then he'll go.

Oh, very good.

Bang on time!

Sting will be pleased.

You forgot the oven!

Where's my hour?

Go on!

Run!

Big year for you, Dad.

What's next?

I think he wants an anecdote.

Does it have to be funny?

Not really.

Tell the lovely people what's in store!

That is so open ended?

Dad's here, everybody!

We love you!

We welcome you!

More Jools?

Well, I'm not called Jool Holland, am I?

Hey!

Ha ha!

Jessie J?

What are you doing?

You didn't give me my hour.

Why don't you join me in my Boogie Woogie

Wonderland forever?

Hootenanny!

Dad?

Visit gov.uk/where'sjool'shour

for more.

OK.

Just lining up, guys.

This is the big moment.

Mother and son reunited after years of war.

OK?

We've got some eye drops if you need help with the crying or--

Well, I'm happy give it a go without.

Yeah, me too. OK.

OK. Right.

Well, let's just go for one, see what happens.

Yeah?

Rolling!

ú - Uh, "The Battle Within."

Take one.

And action!

Mother?

I'm home.

Oh, my son.

Oh, my son.

Oh, my son.

So it's her line?

Oh, sorry!

Sorry!

Yes.

So, Stella, a little quicker in on the line.

Yes, quicker on the line. Yep, yep, yep.

OK, great.

And remember, you're a mother being reunited with her son,

OK? - Yes.

Got it?

OK.

Rolling!

"The Battle Within."

Take two.

And action!

Mother?

I'm home.

Oh, my son.

I've dreamed of this day.

Do I seem very different?

Well, I need--

to get a look at you to answer that.

Sorry.

You look the same as ever.

Oh, God, I missed you, Mummy.

You know, I--

I had the strangest time in the war.

I met this old man.

Whoa! - Whoa!

- Whoa. - Whoa!

- What's going on here? - Whoa!

Whoa, I don't think that's the story, love.

No, no.

Sorry, no, sorry, I wasn't--

No, I was just leaning in to listen.

I like, what are you saying?

What are you saying, son? - OK.

- Yeah. - So, Stella.

- Yeah. - You're playing his mother.

Yeah yeah.

OK.

Do you think the skirts maybe, like, a little bit

cinched for mom?

Yeah, I'm not worried about that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, we're losing time.

Michael, we really need to get that speech.

Are you happy to just go for it?

Yeah, I'm ready. Yeah, yeah.

OK, Stella, just reactions from you, OK?

Really almost nothing at all, OK?

We're still rolling.

All right.

Just reactions, OK.

Action!

I know I'm back, but in a sense, I'm not really here.

Mm-hmm.

The things I've seen.

Oh, yeah.

The things I've done.

Oh.

Mother.

My, my mother.

Yeah, yes.

I've done some bad things

Oh, yes!

I mean no, oh, no.

Oh, no.

It keeps me up at night.

Oh, all night long, son.

I did some terrible things in-- in the war.

Oh, naughty.

You were so naughty in the war.

Cut!

Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry.

This is not working for me at all.

- Get her out of here! - No, no, no, I can do it.

No, I can do it! I can do it!

No, my son!

My sexy son!

They thought there was a chance this might happen,

so don't worry, we've already got another actress lined up

ready to go.

Come on.

Oh my son.

Oh!

What is happening?

No, wait.

I actually like this one.

OK, that's lunch everyone.

What?

Ladies and gentlemen, Wolf Alice!

♪ Music and love had magnetic properties ♪

♪ Wrote a scholar from the island ♪

♪ That they kept from me ♪

♪ And I don't need to solve my unknown identity ♪

♪ Just need an answer to the question in the taxi ♪

♪ My sister paints apathy like blasphemy ♪

♪ But I never thought names deserve such energy ♪

♪ It's my choice to choose who I embrace as family ♪

♪ My choice to choose, yeah, ♪

♪ My choice to choose, yeah ♪

♪ Know who I am, ♪

♪ That's important to me ♪

♪ Do what I can ♪

♪ To see the wood from the trees ♪

♪ Know who I am, ♪

♪ That's important to me ♪

♪ Let the branches wrap their arms ♪

♪ Around me ♪

♪ I could just wander, always, ♪

♪ Like a leafú on the southeast breeze ♪

♪ I do not need no rooting, ♪

♪ I carry home with me ♪

♪ To be a nomad floating ♪

♪ On the waves of the Channel sea ♪

♪ I can see England waving ♪

♪ White horses carry me ♪

♪ Music and love have magnetic properties ♪

♪ Wrote a scholar from the island ♪

ú ♪ That they kept from me ♪

♪ I don't need to solve my unknown identity ♪

♪ Just need an answer to the question in the taxi ♪

♪ My sister paints apathy like blasphemy ♪

♪ I've seen God's green earth ♪

♪ With the people closest to me ♪

♪ My choice to choose who I embrace as family ♪

♪ I choose you, yeah, ♪

♪ I choose you, yeah ♪

♪ Know who I am ♪

♪ That's important to me ♪

♪ Do what I can ♪

♪ To see the wood from the trees ♪

♪ Know who I am ♪

ú ♪ That's important to me ♪

♪ Let the branches wrap their arms ♪

♪ Around me ♪

♪ I can just wander always ♪

♪ Like a leaf on the southeast breeze ♪

ú ♪ I do not need no rooting ♪

♪ I carry home with me ♪

♪ To be a nomad floating ♪

♪ On the waves of the Channel Sea ♪

♪ I can see England waving ♪

♪ White horses carry me ♪

♪ Know who I am ♪

♪ That's important to me ♪

♪ Do what I can ♪

♪ To see the wood from the trees ♪

♪ Know who I am ♪

♪ That's important to me ♪

♪ Let the branches wrap their arms ♪

♪ Around me ♪

♪ I can just wander always ♪

♪ Like a leaf on a southeast breeze ♪

♪ I do not need no rooting, ♪

♪ I carry home with me ♪

♪ To be a nomad floating ♪

♪ On the waves of the Channel Sea ♪

♪ I can see England waving, ♪

♪ White horses carry me ♪

@ - It's "Weekend Update" withú Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.

Good evening and welcome to "Weekend Update."

I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Anna Magliano.

in a world of darkness, horror and despair,

we're here to make it worse.

Let's have it!

The conflict in the Middle East continues to escalate.

Israel has intercepted a missile

from Yemen, which has been identified as a Houthi missile.

As in, Houthi hell fired that missile?

While Trump has been insisting

that Iran wants a deal so badly,

an Iranian military spokesperson

has said, quote, "our first and last word from the very first

day has been is and will remain:

someone like us will never come to terms with someone like you.

Not now and not ever."

Oh my God, just kiss already.

Corey Edwards, a reform candidate in Wales,

has stepped down after being photographed while appearing

to do a Nazi salute.

Reform leader Nigel Farage said it looks terrible.

And he's right-- the arm's too low.

He's grinning.

And wears his swastika?

When did Nazis get so sloppy?

Chancellor Rachel Reeves has indicated

that millions of households will

get no help from the government to pay soaring energy bills.

Thanks, bitch.

A US Congressman has made a direct plea to Sarah Ferguson

to testify about her close personal and business ties

to Jeffrey Epstein.

But to be fair to Fergie, she does have a full diary.

Reports have revealed that in the upcoming musical adaptation

of "Trainspotting," the main character

will be addicted not only to heroin

but also to social media.

The show will premiere in July and is being directed

by your year 11 drama teacher.

Leonid Radvinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has died.

So gentlemen, when you're visiting the site this week,

lower your penises to half mast.

Beautiful funeral, by the way.

Wasn't a dry tissue in the house.

And now, it seems like the whole world is at war--

Russia and Ukraine, the Middle East, Chappell Roan

and that tiny girl.

By the way, it was actually Sabrina Carpenter's bodyguard.

But anyway, war.

We could just keep making jokes about it.

But first, we do want to check, are you OK?

This is "Hand in Hand" with Ania and Pad.

We're here to tell you that it's gonna be OK.

Because we've got each other.

World War III, sounds scary, huh?

But we've already had two.

And don't--

And don't they say good things come in threes?

Good things can come from war--

antibiotics, jet engines, something

to talk to your dad about.

If London gets bombed, house prices will drop.

And so will house numbers.

We'll all get to live across the two houses that are left,

like in "Friends."

It might sound scary to have missiles rain down on us,

but look on the bright side.

Steven Bartlett might get his face blown off.

And who's to say we won't come out on top?

As a nation, we've beaten them all-- the French, the

Germans, foot-in-mouth.

And sure, the bad guys might win

and we end up speaking Ukrainian.

But don't worry, we're in this together.

We've got you.

We've got each other.

This has been "Hand in Hand" with Paddy and Ania.

Research has found that pregnant women on the Tube

have to stand for an average of five stops

before being offered a seat.

It seems like a bit of social-- basic social etiquette,

but please, if you're watching, men, wear a condom.

Looksmaxxing influencer Clavicular has been arrested,

and I'm sure he has no regrets about dedicating

his life to making himself look like a beautiful young boy

right before he was taken to jail.

The former Tory Justice Minister, Crispin Blunt,

has admitted to hosting chemsex parties and has been fined

1,200 pounds for possessing illegal drugs,

including crystal meth and the sedative GBL.

I have to say, he looks surprisingly

grumpy for someone who loves being jacked up on meth.

Blunt told the court that he got

involved in the chemsex party scene to help

inform government policy.

Blunt is set to publish his research in a parliamentary

advisory paper entitled, "Oh my God guys,

you have to try chem sex!"

In his speech to the courts, Blunt called for all drugs

to be legalized, but he acknowledged that the chemsex

lifestyle did carry risks, like cumming

so hard you drop your poppers.

Trust me, it happens.

In lighter news, the town of Grantham in Lincolnshire

has announced that it's reviving

its Medieval Onion Fair.

The event, on October 10th, will see onion tastings,

onion-themed street food, onion-flavored drinks and

an onion-eating competition.

So if you're looking something--

So if you're looking for something

fun to do on October the 10th, why not avoid Grantham?

An AI-generated military influencer and foot

fetish model has reached over a million followers on Instagram.

There she is in her military-grade stilettos.

Honestly, what kind of a sad, sexually frustrated loser

would sit alone fantasizing about her for hours

in my bedroom last night?

A new documentary reveals K-pop group BTS

struggled to return to music after

mandatory military service.

So did the stress of this overstimulate

Jimin, causing sunflower spillover, and

micro-snaps towards Jungkook?

And what now?

Will these whimsical detours cause the deep thinker

RM to become overprotective?

And what about the push-pull duo of Suga and J-Hope?

Can Jin be the quiet stabilizer anchoring Jungkook

with microbubble maintenance, or

will V use his whimsy shield to offset bubble drift

and soften Jimin with mirror gestures?

No idea.

I've never even heard of BTS.

A new report has said that birth rates in the UK

are falling, and for a change, us girls

are getting the blame for it.

Reform's Matt Goodwin has said that the problem

is women having children too late in life.

You know who I wish left having a baby

till it was too late in life, Matt Goodwin?

Your mom.

Here to discuss the ins and outs,

please welcome our own fertility

expert and cast member, Ayoade Bamgboye.

Hi, everybody.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you.

So, Ayoade, you're here to explain

why you think birth plates--

birth rates are plummeting? - Yes.

And the media would have you thinking

@ that this is a complex issue,úbut it's actually quite simple.

We're not being honest about what the real problem is here.

Uh, women not wanting to have babies?

Women not wanting to have babies with men like you.

Why me?

How was this my fault?

Paddy, no one looks at you and thinks,

yes, your genes must be preserved

for the next generation.

What's wrong with old Pads?

When was the last time you changed your bedding?

Can you drive?

Have you drank water today?

I had a shower.

How is he going to impregnate anyone?

He's completely dehydrated.

His sperm probably looks like dusty oats.

Wait, wait there a second.

What if I told you that most women actually

want to have children?

And I'm gonna have to say the quiet part out loud.

The fact of the matter is, men are very,

very difficult to be around.

Ania, have you watched a man eat?

It's not good.

It's so scary.

This generation of men just aren't up to it.

They're easily overwhelmed.

Some even have the audacity to grow a mustache.

Mustache is for men with full driving license.

So what is your solution to a generation

of women being repulsed by the idea of having my children?

I'm so glad you asked.

To me, we have two options.

We bank the sperm of the gays-- the practicing

gays, to be exact.

And we just use that, yes.

Or we milk three to five high-value males

whose seed would actually be useful to us.

So, for example, people like Martin Lewis,

money saving expert.

Yes!

Ayoade, we can't milk Martin Lewis.

We need him on the front line.

To be fair, you're right.

You're right.

We can't lose our strongest soldier.

Thanks for joining us, fertility expert

Ayoade Bamgboye, everybody.

From "Weekend Update," I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano.

Good night.

Please!

I can't do it anymore.

Please.

You're coming with me!

Please!

This ain't right.

Pipe down, for cripes sake.

If they hear you, it'll be lashings for all of us.

You.

What is it we do here?

I can't.

I can't!

I need to hear you say it.

What is it we do here?

You know when you open a hot wrap from Pret or McDonald's--

And part of the wrap sticks to the inside of the packet--

So when you take it out, the whole wrap

completely falls apart?

We're the people who glue down that bit wrap.

♪ I can't do this anymore ♪

♪ It ain't right ♪

♪ Gluing all day, gluing all night ♪

♪ Gluing wraps! ♪

♪ Will they join my fight? ♪

Oh, God.

Hey, look at her, the people's princess.

Seen her kind before, haven't we, Marty?

Brave, rebellious, doesn't understand

the wraps gluing thing.

♪ Pipe down, little gal ♪

♪ You ain't got a clue ♪

♪ Shut that shiny mouth of yours ♪

♪ You ain't too good to glue ♪

♪ We like things how we like 'em ♪

♪ We're ever so scared of change ♪

♪ Being alive is suffering ♪

♪ We exist to remind you of that ♪

But would it be so bad if the wraps?

Came out in one piece?

Ah!

Face facts, Freckles.

It's rotten work, but someone's got to do it.

Do they though?

Do I smell unglued wraps?

Quick, it's the foreman!

♪ I am a man ♪

♪ And that is good ♪

♪ And I run this factory ♪

♪ My wife is dead ♪

I hate the poor.

And I'm the mayor.

Whoa.

Well, well, well, if it ain't my stinky little workforce,

with their horrible faces living their miserable lives.

Oh, doing exactly what they're told, I'm sure.

Huh.

Who is responsible for this?

I said, who is responsible for this?

Me!

Oh, tired sweetheart.

Cream crackered from gluing wraps?

Oh, you could always work in my other factory, where

we stick fruit polos together so they congeal

into one weird cylinder.

Tired?

I'm not tired.

I'm the opposite of tired, whatever that is.

In fact, I'm just getting started!

Stop her!

♪ Please can't you see ♪

♪ Why we're here? ♪

♪ We are ruining the lunches of innocent folk ♪

♪ We mustn't turn our backs ♪

♪ On the backs of the people ♪

♪ On the street who need us the most ♪

♪ We can't ♪

♪ You with the glue ♪ ♪ Which is true ♪

♪ What I'm saying ♪

♪ What's not sticking in your brain ♪

♪ You're not listening ♪

♪ Same old story being said ♪

♪ Tie her up instead ♪

♪ Bad luck ♪

♪ It's stuck ♪

♪ We can't give up, my friend! ♪

♪ She's right ♪

♪ I join the fight ♪

♪ Me too ♪ ♪ And me ♪

♪ She'll set us free ♪

♪ A new life ♪

♪ No strife ♪

♪ Also, how is this a job? ♪

Whoa.

Get off me.

I said, get off me.

He's going to fall into the furnace.

No one's even touching him.

It's the power of song!

Curse you, you bloody little bitch!

Ah!

Wow.

His reign of terror is over.

People of the factory what glues down

wraps, we're finally free to get new jobs

in an Amazon warehouse!

Yes!

♪ Yeah ♪

I'm Olly Duggan.

And I'm Matty Duggan.

And we are the Beanz Bros.

Growing up, we never had much, but

there was always two things we could rely on,

our lovely Nanny Sue, and her legendary beans on toast.

Four years ago, our beautiful Nanny Sue

took out her life savings so that we could follow our dreams

and open our very own food truck.

And since then, we've sold over 50 million beans

to happy customers up and down the country.

We owe everything we have to our dear Nanny Sue and

our kick-ass secret recipe.

@ - And before you ask, ay, ourú Nanny Sue is that Sue Duggan,

@ recently dubbed the Toxicú Widow because last week she

@ was convicted of injecting a bus full of children

with hepatitis C.

@ - And before you ask, no, weú don't know why she did it.

@ - And before you ask, yes, we have cut ties with Nanny

Sue completely.

We're opening our first real restaurant tomorrow,

and the timing could not be worse.

ú - We've got classic beans.

We've got Nashville barbecue beans.

We've got Thai green curry beans.

And before you ask, no, the beans

ú will not give you hepatitis.

And before you ask,ú yes, some of the children

are still in comas.

Also, before you ask, yes, we are both considering chemical

castration just to make sure the evil in our bloodline

dies with us.

ú - We also do chicken wings!

At Beanz Bros we have three things we are passionate about:

big flavors, good vibes, and atoning for the sins

of our wicked family.

That's why we've partnered with a local charity that

helps rehabilitate grandmothers convicted

of serious violent crime.

This is Jenny.

She cut the brakes on her daughter

in law's Vauxhall Corsa.

Sandra posted a letter bomb to her next-door

neighbor because they left their Christmas

lights up too long.

Deborah threw acid at an Uber driver.

Before you ask, yes, it was racially motivated.

Fuck, fuck!

This is hell.

What do we have to do it ourselves?

So come on down to Beanz Bros because those kids

@ are not coming back, and weú don't want to go to hell.

Once again, Wolf Alice!

♪ It really, really made the room sing ♪

♪ The way you said my name ♪

♪ Like you could not believe I'd be here ♪

♪ Though our friends are all the same ♪

♪ I wanted you to walk on over ♪

♪ But you turned and went the other way ♪

♪ I followed you around the corner ♪

♪ Now I'll always picture you this way ♪

♪ Leaning against the wall ♪

♪ You put my world in slow-mo ♪

♪ You put my name up in lights ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ Doesn't anybody love you more than I do? ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Isn't anyone out there? ♪

♪ "Is love our greatest performance?" ♪

♪ I thought as you spun me around ♪

♪ Public displays of affection ♪

♪ Well, it takes two,ú so there's always a crowd ♪

♪ I dance so you will watch me ♪

♪ That doesn't hurt my pride ♪

♪ I like the thrill of my performing ♪

♪ When I abuse the courage of white wine ♪

♪ And you're leaning against the wall ♪

♪ You put my world in slow-mo ♪

♪ You put my name up in lights ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ Doesn't anybody love you more than I do? ♪

♪ Is there anyone out there? ♪

♪ Because, ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ Doesn't anybody love you more than I do? ♪

♪ Isn't anyone out there? ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ Am I in love ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

Oh. Right.

Home time, I think.

Oh, uh, sorry.

I've been trying to keep my cool all night,

but I'm such a huge fan of yours.

Like, I can't believe ex-international rugby player

Jason Robinson OBE is actually dating my best--

my wife's best friend.

Thanks.

You know, I have to-- have to say, I was

quite good at rugby myself.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

I probably could have gone pro if it wasn't for my--

Oh, no no no, please-- please don't say knee, all right?

I hate that.

Do you know how many people come up to me and say,

oh, I could have gone pro if it weren't for my knee.

No, you couldn't go pro because you weren't good enough,

you know?

No, I was good enough.

It wasn't-- it wasn't actually my knee.

I had a different-- like a rare condition.

What condition?

Uh, ah, one second.

I'm just-- I'm just going to get another drink.

All right.

Did he finally mention the rugby?

Yeah, big time.

Oh, he loves it so much.

Bless him.

Did he freak out? - No, no, no.

He was going on about how he could have gone pro if he

weren't for his condition.

- His what? - Yeah.

Babe, sorry, can I see you in the kitchen for a second?

Yeah.

What's up?

I've gone and bloody cut my balls off and superglued

them onto my hips, haven't I?

You've what?

I've cut off my balls and stuck them to my hips.

What part of that don't you understand?

Why?

I panicked, I panicked.

I needed a serious condition.

Otherwise, he's not going to like me.

He's going to-- he's going to think I'm just one of those,

like, "I could have been a pro if it wasn't for my knee" guys.

You are that!

Please!

This is my last chance to be friends

with a genuine rugby player.

Just let me have this.

Fine.

Ah.

Does anyone want more wine?

Because I need a drink.

Are you all right, mate?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's-- he's got this rare condition,

and it's just flaring up.

Don't be ashamed, Jonathan.

Show them.

Yeah.

Whoa, what the fuck?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Yeah, I was--

I was born with it.

It's called, um--

It's called scrotumus hiptomums.

What-- how did that stop you playing?

That's a great question.

Everything was going great, you know.

I kept it sort of hidden until I was about 15 and then--

then my balls dropped.

And it became a problem during lineouts.

So painful, you know, getting picked up from my waist,

like crushing my balls, so yeah.

Oh, and during scrums, yeah.

Because the scrums the lads would--

they'd have their ear pressed against each of my balls.

Oh, wow.

I'm not going to lie, it would be hard to go pro with those.

You-- you-- you'd be in the showers

looking like a-- like a sparsely

decorated Christmas tree.

Sorry-- sorry, mate.

Sorry, mate.

That was above the belt. I respect

you and your struggle, man.

Is he good, yeah?

Yeah, he's fine.

All right, well, I'll see you at work, so.

Great to see you, Jason.

Let yourselves out.

Bye, Jason, mate.

See you.

Oh my God.

Oh.

Soph just asked if Jason can have your number.

Yes! Yes.

Well done.

Oh, my balls.

Well, my biggest thanks to Wolf Alice, to Chris O'Dowd.

Huge thank you to the cast, the writers,

everyone working on the show for making such a great week.

Good night.

Thank you.