Original subtitles

Today's modern Americas

are the result of the pioneer spirit of our ancestors,

who came from every country in the world

to tame the wilderness.

Inevitably, the greedy and the wicked came

to take what they desired.

At times it looked like these desperadoes would prevail,

and that the only law would be the law of the gun.

Then the tide of battle started to change.

How did it happen?

No one seems to know.

But late at night around a fire,

a story was told that has grown into

one of the great legends of the Old West.

The story of a mysterious phantom

who suddenly appears out of nowhere to avenge wrong.

- Action!

Action!

Who was this phantom?

Perhaps my ancestor, or yours?

Perhaps only a figment of the imagination.

But whether you believe in it or not,

it is this hope that one will appear to sustain us

through our darkest hours.

- Hello Sheriff!

Now the most murderous gang if pistoleros

the West has ever seen were the Terrible Seven.

They pillaged and plundered and took what they wanted.

There is a sinister deadliness

about their leader Cold Steele

that chills a man's soul.

No one knows where he comes from,

and some insist that Cold Steele is not quite human

because nothing human ever stopped him.

Big Sam really enjoys life, eating gargant...

Big meals, and swilling enormous amounts of liquor.

Now Big Sam is always happy,

especially when he picks up a man in each ham-like hand

and cracks their two skulls together

like they was a couple of nuts.

Oscar the Mooch prefers a knife thrown by the blade.

He throws it quicker than most guns.

Oscar doesn't mind killing a man from the back.

"It's not as much trouble," says Oscar.

Whip Horn is named for the bullwhip he always carries.

Whip is a gambler with cards and lives.

Freegun Boone claims he was the son of Daniel Boone.

He could shoot two guns simultaneously at the same time

or throw four knives at once.

A man to have on your side if you wanted to stay alive.

Brains Barn was a minister

until he became the tactician of the mob,

planning each foray with brilliance.

Underneath his ministerial garb was an arsenal,

the tools of his new trade.

Ah, but Brains permitted no profanity in his presence

and said a prayer before each meal.

Cookie cooks for the outfit.

His pans can become lethal weapons when necessary.

Cookie can put English on a thrown iron skillet

so it can go around a corner and kill a man.

- How do, Parson.

Have a safe journey?

- Now Sheriff, that's right kind of you to ask.

As a matter of fact, I wanted to tell you to tell everyone

to put their hands up.

Man that is born of a woman is of few days, Job 14.

We're the Terrible Seven, sir.

- Oh, hi Sheriff, you coming to the prayer meeting?

- No.

But you can say my prayer for me.

- Broad is the way that leadeth to destruction.

Matthew 7:14.

- Every man shall bear his own burden.

Galatians 2:9.

- You a preacher?

- No, but I'm studying to be one, sir.

- Your name?

- Phillip P. Phillips,

and I think you're...

- They're the Terrible Seven, Phil.

- Now see here, Mr. Seven.

Yucca Flats is a friendly town.

- The first one who goes against us

is digging his own grave.

All those who want to live,

give your weapons to Big Sam.

- Phil.

Wake up, boy.

- Good morning.

Holy smokes.

The beds were never this hard at divinity school.

- Phil, you're going to get your chance

to serve the people of Yucca Flats.

Stand up, boy.

Stand up straight.

Spread your shoulders.

I here denounce you Deputy Sheriff of Yucca Flats County.

- But the Reverend Smithers never taught us

how to shoot a gun in the theological seminary.

- Remember the reverend said the Lord will guide you.

- Amen.

- I've suddenly decided to take up my vacation now,

to visit my dear old mother in Pasadena.

You can't complain about not getting promoted fast.

Well, now goodbye.

Sheriff, goodbye.

- Glenn.

I need your help.

- Who me?

Oh no, not me.

- Glenn, Glenn!

Chief Pain-in-the-Neck.

- Chief Rain-in-the-Face.

- Chief Rain-in-the-Face.

You've got to help me.

- Chief cannot violate peace treaty

without council of war.

- Honey, I need your help.

- There are seven of them, to one of you?

- That's why I need somebody to help me.

- No.

- Sarsaparilla?

Who's this mayor of this town?

- I'm the mayor,

and the owner of this saloon.

- You were the mayor.

And you did own this saloon.

Now, I am the mayor, and I own this saloon.

- Now see here, mister.

We have elections for mayor in this here town.

- Well, that's a nice custom,

and there's no reason not to continue it.

So we'll just have ourselves a little election.

- But we don't need an election right now.

Louis Boggin, he's our mayor.

- Louis just resigned.

Right, Louis?

- I just resigned.

- Smart fella.

Well now, we'll just consider nominations for mayor.

I'll start the nominations off by nominating

John Boy Horatio Coldwater Steele for mayor.

And that closes the nominations.

- But I want to nominate Thomas Morris.

- Who's Thomas Morris?

- Me.

- You were saying?

- I was saying I want to nominate

Coldwater Steele for mayor.

- All those in favor of Cold Steele for mayor,

raise their hand.

Well, Cold Steele is sufficiently elected mayor of...

Of...

What's the name of this town?

- Yucca Flats, your honor.

- The Lord says it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Ecclisiastes 20.

- Thou art weighed in the balance, and art found wanting.

Daniel 5.

- I just came here to bring you some money for a deposit.

Can't I even take out the money to give you?

- We have heard much about you, and nothing good.

I believe in facts,

and the fact is, we have never heard

of you wanting to put money into a bank.

You have always taken money out of banks.

Other people's money.

- Oh, that's all in the past.

I've reformed.

My friends and I have come to your town

to settle down and be good citizens.

We've heard Yucca Flats is a friendly place.

I decided return to my old profession,

and to give Yucca Flats the benefit

of a minister of the cloth.

- We have got a parson.

And if you have reformed,

how come you are still carrying those guns?

- I intended to leave it here in your safe, with my money.

Well, please take my guns and put them in your safe.

And take my money to deposit in this esteemed institution.

And while the cashier is counting the money,

suppose you and I have a drink to seal the bargain.

- I don't partake.

Except under it's like this.

- Ah, yes.

This is a special occasion.

I would like to buy the ground across the street

so I can erect my church.

Well?

Bottoms up, there's work to do.

- Fact proved you know,

efficiency's impaired when one imbibes.

- And fact's also true

that a small amount of alcohol stimulates the mind

to a great clarity.

- And what a small amount can do,

a larger amount does even better.

- Down the hatch!

- Bye bye.

- "Why maketh glad the heart of man," sayeth Psalms.

- He tips more than this for breakfast.

Cold Steele kills anything in his way.

Where's the rest of the money?

- There isn't anymore.

We were expecting a gold delivery,

but the stage driver got lost

and wound up in Mesa Flats.

- The gold's in Mesa Flats?

Not in Yucca Flats?

- Yes, we're flat here.

- Big Sam.

You and Oscar the Mooch stay here

and keep the town in line.

We'll go get the gold.

- Gold.

That's my favorite money.

- Oh, if they try anything while I'm gone,

you know what to do.

- Sure, Mr. Mayor.

I put a bullet through each one of their heads.

- What?

- After Oscar the Mooch and me votes on it, of course.

In a democratic way.

Out.

- Nobody talks to me like that, Mister.

- Nobody but me.

Okay, honey.

Bring on the grub.

- How did you know my name?

- Start me out with a little chicken, maybe a dozen,

I'm not too hungry.

- I'm no waitress, Mister.

- It's never too late to learn, sweetheart.

Bring Oscar the Mooch and me some beer!

A lot of beer!

- Hey girls, hop out to the kitchen

and bring something to give Sam an appetite.

This is my duck.

- This isn't enough to wash my face with!

Roll out a barrel!

- Don't let Big Sam take my duck.

- Say, I like you, kid.

You got the same kind of spirit and sleep face

my whore's got.

- Thank you for the compliment,

but I am betrothed to another,

so I must take my finger out

so I can go home and pack my clothes now.

- Bring me a table full of steak sandwiches.

- On white or rye?

- On steak!

- Unhand that lady.

- I thought you said Yucca Flats was a friendly town.

- Not that friendly.

I shall be forced to resort to

fisticuffs

unless you release Susie.

- Fisticuff away, fella.

I believe in everyone having their fun.

- You really want to stop me?

- This is new to me.

Would you mind showing me how?

Please?

- This finger goes on the trigger,

and all you do is squeeze.

- Oh my goodness.

I'm awfully sorry about that.

- That's okay.

Now we only split six ways.

Casualties of war and all that sort of brunt.

Okay kid, playtime's over.

Back to the kitchen with you.

Go play with the pots and pans.

- Welcome to the service of King Henry VIII.

- They never taught us how to handle a situation like this

at the theological seminary.

- My boots are getting tight.

Take them off for me, kid.

- It won't come off.

- You gotta put a little muscle into it.

I got 'em on, didn't I?

- Yeah, that was 50 pounds ago.

- Why don't you come up and see me sometime, big boy?

- I sure will.

- Margie, what happened to you?

- Can't fight them, join them.

It's the only way to fly.

Right, big boy?

- Say, you're a living doll.

Come over here.

- You come over here, big boy.

- I sure will.

- Here's how we drink in Yucca Flats.

- More drinks for me and my new gal!

- Arsenic.

Snake poison.

Instant poison.

Thank you.

Oh my goodness.

- How about a dance, big boy?

- They used to call me Dancer the Prancer

back home in Philly.

- I...

I brought this specially for you, sir.

- Thanks, kid.

That drink was the best I've ever had.

And for your reward, I'm going to let you marry Margie.

And me.

With your little bible.

I've never been so double-crossed before in my whole life.

Over to the jail with you, boy.

That kind of stuff is against the law in Yucca Flats.

- Say, Mr. Big Sam.

Could I talk to you for a minute?

- What do you want?

- Wait 'til I tell the boys at the seminary about this.

- People of Yucca Flats!

Divided we stand, defeated we fall!

People of Yucca Flats!

Prepare to defend your homes!

People of Yucca Flats, prepare to defend your homes!

United we stand, divided we fall!

Thank you, Big Chief Pain-in-the-Neck.

- Chief Rain-in-the-Face.

- Sorry about that.

We knew we could count on you Yushomis.

- You can count on Yushomis

if we get three blanket for each white man we kill.

- For Terrible Seven only.

Not friendly citizens of Yucca Flats.

- How many Terrible Seven?

- Five.

- That only 15 blankets.

But you friend.

We give you special discount rate.

- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, 10, out!

- It's a great day for a wedding, Sheriff.

- It's the happiest day of my life.

- Aren't you forgetting something, my boy?

- I'm probably forgetting a lot of things today.

Oh yes.

The friendly undertaker said he had the ring.

- I mean your gun.

You're not gonna get married

with a gun strapped to your hip, are you?

- How are we gonna keep law and order in Yucca Flats

with every gun in town hanging up there, including mine?

- I'll not be marrying you

with that lethal weapon strapped to your hip,

so hand it over and stop arguing when you know it's useless.

- I guess you got me beat to the draw, Parson.

I never learned to shoot it anyway.

- If there is anyone among you

that has any reason why this marriage should not take place,

let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

- I object.

And this can send your preacher to Boat Hill.

If he's lucky enough to get buried.

- Bride gets the next one.

Right no wedding cake.

And my left hand can use up three coffins in three seconds.

You shouldn't have got Cold Steele riled.

- Are they married yet?

- No.

Not yet.

- This time I'm going to stay in Pasadena.

Sure and it is a lovely day.

Don't you agree?

- Good morning.

How do you think the Giants will do

in the World Series?

- Who are the Giants?

There I go again, slipping ahead in time.

Sorry about that.

- Who are you?

You mean you don't know who I am?

- No sir.

You mean you expected to go

to the other place?

- You mean I'm...

And you're...

Would you like to be coming through

my little gate?

- Oh no.

You mean you don't want to come into heaven?

- Oh yes.

But not now.

And why not now?

- I'm not quite finished on Earth.

You look quite finished to me, lad.

- Oh.

Ow.

Do you agree?

- Yes.

And no.

Young man, I must say you had

a spotless record on Earth.

But your conduct here is, shall I say in the least

somewhat puzzling.

Pray tell me, please pardon the archaic talk.

I skip back every once in a while.

Clue me in on just why you want to cut out on heaven?

- I'm sorry, St. Peter, but I don't understand what you mean

by "clue me in" or "cut out."

Is that some kind of a foreign language?

There I go again, slipping ahead in time.

But I must tell you that they have some of the most

marvelous new language patterns in the 20th century.

"Clue me in" means let me know about it,

and "cut out" means to depart the premises.

But that's gonna be about 100 years from now,

so just terry a while and we'll enjoy the new language.

23 skadoo.

- 23 skadoo?

Aye.

That's what we're gonna start the new century off with.

23 skadoo and oh, you kid.

- A kid is a young goat.

A kid in the 20th century is something

that the old goats take a second look at.

- St. Peter, I don't want to be disrespectful,

and I do want to come back into heaven,

but I have some very important business to do on Earth.

You know, almost everyone feels that way

when they first come up here.

- No, I don't mean that.

You see, when I was leaving, they...

The Terrible Seven had my girl.

The one that I was about to marry.

Oh yes, Margie Jones.

She's a nice one.

She's bound to come up and join you sooner or later.

- That's what I mean.

I'd like it to be later, if you don't mind.

You see, they're the worst gang in the West, sir.

I mean, Saint.

I've got no record of them up here.

I guess they're going to wind up in the other place.

- I'm not sure if they're not from the other place.

Oh?

You really think so?

- I really think so.

Especially their leader, Cold Steele.

He even looks like a devil.

We have rather continuous trouble

with that fellow downstairs.

Not a decent sort at all.

What do you suggest, Mr. Phillips?

- Well, if I'd be allowed to go back

and finish my duties as Sheriff,

I'd be delighted to come back here.

If you're invited.

- I hope that I'll be worthy enough

to get another invitation.

Well, strictly speaking,

you're not quite through the gates yet.

But you understand, if you do go back,

it won't be exactly the same as it was before you left.

- Yes sir.

And you might lose your halo.

- Lose my halo?

Aye.

You might do something bad.

- You mean and not come back here?

You might even have to go down below.

- My goodness gracious, what will my Aunt Matilda say?

I'll have to risk it.

If I can go back.

I'll be rooting for you, Phil.

But don't play against the Giants.

- And we thank the old Lord,

for blessing our daily bread.

- Yippee!

- Amen.

- Julie, bring something to wash this down with.

What is this?

- Lemonade.

- Lemonade?

What are you trying to do, poison me?

- Poor Phil.

Sure does got a hole in his head.

Get a bandage, Thomas my boy.

It's only decent to cover it up.

- The least thing we can do.

- God bless.

- Take your hat off.

- Where's the bullet hole?

- What happened to the bullet hole?

- Good morning.

The beds were never this hard at divinity school.

- The hand of God moves in mysterious ways.

His wonders to perform.

- Thank you, Lord.

- Please tell Mr. Cold Steele that I'm back.

- Sure Mr. Phil.

- He's back.

Sheriff Phil's ghost wants to see you.

- Look, Mr. Cold Steele.

This is the showdown.

That is, if you'll lend me your gun, please.

- How'd he get here?

You put a bullet right through his head!

- I should've put a stake through his heart.

- Steak?

- Stake.

- Oh.

I thought...

- So, now you're playing me at my own game, aren't you?

Get out there and take care of him.

- Why, is Cold Steele afraid of a phantom?

- Afraid of...

Freegun, go show this town who's running things.

- See how fair I am, Phil old chum?

Only one gun.

- Well, back to Pasadena.

- Hey, don't I know you?

- Hey, Phil boy.

It's great to see you, man.

- Good to see you again, Freegun.

But aren't you going the wrong way?

- Whoops!

It's been great seeing you, Phil.

Bye bye, boy, bye bye.

- So long, Freegun!

Even the Giants are doing better than you are.

How many passes do you need?

- I was in this eliminating contest.

And you got eliminated.

I saw the whole thing on closed circuit TV.

You may come through the gates.

- Thank you, St. Peter.

But I can't come in now.

This is getting repetitious.

- Somebody's got to stop Cold Steele.

I'll consent your point on that.

I had him checked out, he's agent 13-13-13

from down below.

- I knew he looked like the devil.

Will you let me go back, St. Peter?

We do have to keep up with the times,

and a counter-agent...

- I'll volunteer.

At least get onto first base this time.

- Brethren, it has fallen to me to say a few words

over Phillips P. Phillips.

I have to admit, Phillips had admirable traits.

He had courage, conviction, and bravery.

That could've made him a leader,

for the forces of evil.

Next man shows disrespect for the deceased

gets a skillet.

- Good morning.

- The parson's sick.

God moves in mysterious ways.

His wonders to perform.

- I'm sorry to ruin such a beautiful ceremony.

But I'm here on a secret mission.

- He's disappeared.

He's not human.

What do you think?

- I think he's a real swinger.

- This is an unlawful assemblage.

You're all under arrest.

As deputy sheriff, I sentence you all to two days in jail

or a $2 fine.

Or a pair of boots, size 10.

Or perhaps even a Stetson hat.

- You know Cold Steele's rule.

No weapons allowed in town.

- Ain't no weapon.

It's a whittler knife.

- Maybe it is at that.

How'd you like to trade?

- What for?

- A week in jail.

In you go.

Hey, you.

You're under arrest.

- What's the charge?

- Jaywalking.

Fine's $10.

- All I have is $2 and my burro.

- Sold.

Case dismissed.

As soon as you fork over my $2.

- Look, I don't need a new hat.

My old hat will last for years.

- If you still have head.

Maybe his skull equal one blanket.

What you say, Bucket-in-Rain?

- Are you an Indian?

- Si.

- I never saw an Indian before with a beard.

- Hmm.

Laughing Loon, Hollywood Indian,

on loan out to Ushomi tribe.

- Chief Pain-in-the-Neck.

- Chief Rain-in-the-Face.

- Chief Rain-in-the-Face.

I thought you Ushomis were my friends.

- We friendly Ushomi Collection Agency.

But blanket you promised now overdue.

We collect scalps instead.

- Now just a moment.

I've been out of town, in a manner of speaking.

You're entitled to three blankets,

I'll see that you get them.

- Promises, promises.

When?

- As soon as I get Coldwater Steele out of town.

You can take my word for it.

Honest Indian.

- Your word good.

But interest even better.

- Interest?

- You sign promissory note for three blankets a week,

and one blanket interest rate

for every day overdue.

- Interest too high.

One blanket a week.

I sign.

- Two blankets a week.

One blanket interest.

And you leave saddle for collateral.

- You think he keep word?

- Any man can ride like that, keep word.

Look.

Horse retreat, but man attack.

White man cigar plenty strong.

- Whoa.

- Checkmate.

Fine paying hour is over.

My dear friends, and you are my friends and constituents,

come back tomorrow.

Hey Mister, it's illegal to hitch at a hitching post

without a horse.

- But you just fined me my burro.

- That's right.

But this wagon'll make a fine fine this week.

- Oh no, please.

- I've...

come to take you on.

One at a time.

That is, if you're men enough.

Man enough.

- It's the code of the vest.

- West.

- But I have a cold.

- Are you gonna take me on one at a time?

Or do I have to fight all seven of you?

- There is only four left.

Okay, Brains.

Take him.

- I'd rather take the next one.

- Take him!

I know what I'm doing.

It's past his bedtime.

- Choose your weapons.

Guns?

Knives?

Bows and arrows?

Brooms?

- Sweep him out.

Yow!

- Phil!

Catch!

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Ow.

- Take him to jail.

- Well.

I'll be dag-burned.

They caught that phantom again.

- Okay, Grandma, scat.

This cell's reserved.

We got us a VIP.

- Say, Mr. Cookie.

Could I talk to you for a moment?

- I heard what you did to Big Sam,

and Mister, have I got something for you.

Here it is.

That Big Sam stashes good food away

like a squirrel waiting for a long, cold winter.

- Sure is nice of you, Mr. Cookie.

But would you happen to have something I could

slice this with?

- You mean

one of these?

- Yeah.

Wow.

Coconut's my favorite.

- You got him in the right place.

Eating my pie?

What are you doing with that?

- Feeding my prisoner.

- Not outta my private stock, you naughty thing you!

Give me my cake!

- No.

Cookie, prisoners don't get cake.

I'm the cake eater.

- Then go arrest yourself.

- This here jail ain't big enough for both of us.

I fooled you, didn't I?

I fooled you, didn't I?

- Nobody puts anything over on Cookie.

He forgot this private stock.

- Mr. Cookie!

Boys don't kiss boys!

- But I like it!

- Mr. Cookie!

What long hair you have!

- It's Miss Cookie.

And wait 'til Cold and the boys find out.

- You mean they don't know you're a...

- I've been putting one over on them

ever since an Indian arrow got Pa.

Shifting for myself.

I worse boys' clothes.

Especially cooking for them.

- But you should be cooking

for a nice young handsome husband.

- Yeah.

Like you!

- You mean...

- I mean...

- Oh no, no!

- Why not?

Ever since I saw you, at your funeral,

I figured I'd change sexes again.

- But I'm promised to Margie Jones.

- I'll fight for you!

- It's times like this that I almost wish

that I wasn't on a mission of honor.

But nothing's gonna stop me!

Nothing!

This is it, Cold Steele.

It's either you

or me.

- All right.

Take him.

You wanted it

one at a time?

- It's the code of the West.

- I've been waiting for you to drop in.

You won't get any help from up there.

You're in my neck of the woods now.

Just you and me

and my treasure.

- You mean our treasure.

Don't you?

- He means his treasure.

He never intended to give you a thing.

- As our young friend here might say,

the wages of sin are death.

And today's pay day for you, Sam.

You might say you have become too big for your britches.

- Why you...

You devil, you!

- We're gonna have a hot time, kids.

Been riding on the freeway?

- Come on, you ornery critter.

Up, up.

Where in the blazes are we?

- Blazes?

That's the other place.

- I never thought I'd make it up here.

Even sinners are welcome,

if they redeem themselves.

- Can we come in?

Certainly.

On the other hand,

a cat just clued me in on something cooking in Acapulco.

Might interest a man of your talents, Phillips.

Would you like to make the scene?

- As a man of honor, I'm ready, your honor.

- Can I be a woman of honor?

- I've always wanted to go to Acapulco.

In the whole term of office,

I've never seen kids so anxious to get into trouble.

You sound like you're from down below.

Which will make you excellent counter-agents.

See you later.

Would you mind telling those space jockeys

to take it easy with those carbs?