Original subtitles

Yeah, man, where are the days?

Vajida, old Nationalist Party cabinet.

Standing in this old chamber, I can actually hear them speaking.

It's so vivid.

Today, they're only cobwebs of our distant past.

Sad, sad, but very true.

Okay, so, we have got to transport this painting here from here to the

wilderness, right? You know about this thing? You don't know? You know for how

much?

250 ,000 rand.

You know what that means?

One little scratch on this painting here, or one nick, or one bump, and I've

to pay out of my pocket, which means you've got to pay out of your own

because that's why I hired you, because I heard that you can do a good job on

this thing. You take it back there, you take it front there. We've got to go

through this door and just take it very calmly, lightly, it's quite heavy. Watch

it. Right, straight on, straight on. We're going to turn it around and take

to the trap over there. Right, watch the steps over there. Okay, come.

Right, with careful tricks, like you're carrying your own wife here. Come,

booty, come, come, come.

Yeah, that's good, good.

Okay.

Put your hands together for the hankiest, prankiest man in town, Mr.

six on this glorious monday morning time now for the news at six john robbie

report thanks dan chaos hit the financial market again yesterday as the

crashed to an all -time low against the u .s dollar the british pound the

deutschmark and the malawian kwacha in response to the growing crisis

convened an emergency session late last night at which it was unanimously agreed

that members of parliament will henceforth be paid in u .s dollars

Thank you Lord for my job.

Meanwhile,

on the labor front, workers around the country are gearing up for tomorrow's

of protest and mass action.

The leader of the opposition has again lashed out at the government's

affirmative action policy, calling it...

One thing we must say for them, they sure got the rid of men.

There's been a sharp rise in the number of hijackings in central Gauteng, with

one hijack taking place every 30 seconds.

Hijack. All right.

Hijack.

Come on, come on.

Grace, there's a black oak in my office sitting right there in my bloody chair.

What's going on here?

Enkie Prankie, you're trying to catch me after my own show. Where's the camera?

You know me. Tell me it's a joke, Grace. It's not funny.

Gentlemen, it's difficult, I know.

But let's just be dignified about the whole matter.

We are all just pawns in the process of transformation.

I'm fired.

Affirmative.

Come on.

Come on.

Better person, laugh your troubles away.

It's 150 for the first dose of laughter, 350 for every dose after that.

Time for your medicine.

It's a very, very long walk to

freedom.

Sorry,

Mr. Perriman. Padaman.

The name's Padaman.

Mr. Padaman, I...

I haven't come for this therapy. I've come for a job.

A job?

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the hankiest, prankiest man

town, Mr.

Shucks.

Mr. Shuck.

How does 20 Gs grab you?

20 ,000.

God grabs me.

You've signed up for two years aboard the anti -stress ship, Mr. Shark.

Welcome.

These are stressful times in our rainbow nation, Mr. Shark.

But you know what that means for us?

Big bucks.

You be my mechanic, and together we panel beat their panic.

I pack them in, if you can make them laugh. I'll make them laugh, Mr.

Periparaman. Guaranteed. They make us laugh.

Gloria, meet Mr. Shark. He just joined our company.

I love hanky -panky. You know, the one where you caught old Norse peanut?

Oh, I loved so much, I nearly died.

What a time, Gloria.

The bottom line, you know, I really thought my world had come to an end. And

look at me. I'm standing, starting afresh with $20 ,000 a month.

It's incredible. What?

I said with $20 ,000 a month, I can really... It's $20 ,000 a year.

Every year. For two years.

See you tomorrow morning, 8 o 'clock.

At last, opportunity should knock on my door.

Glorious. Gloria.

For the last time, I am not the Minister of Defense. I'm the Minister of

Transport. If the Texans are making war, then don't call me. Call the army. Send

in the bloody ambulance, all right? Oh, damn it.

I'm going to have a bloody heart attack, man. How far are we from this bloody

stress place here? Three blocks, sir.

Hello,

hello. 702 Talk Radio, John Robbie here. Good morning, Mr. Minister. Yes, what

do you want, you rubbish?

Are the Texans making war? Of course the bloody Texans are making war. Are they

striking? Of course they're bloody striking.

Is it my fault? Of course it's bloody my fault. Tell me it's not my bloody

fault. It's not my fault.

Hang on, hang on.

Hold it, hold it.

Hello?

What? A taxi blockade?

Bloody hell! Shit!

Assholes! Assholes! Tell my deputy to get off my ass!

His ass!

Our ass!

What was that?

Nothing serious, sir. Just some taxi drivers shooting at each other.

I hate the taxis! I hate the bloody taxis!

I'm weak, meneer.

How are you feeling?

Oh, never.

What are you doing?

Don't worry, meneer. It's only a virtually real helmet.

Welcome to the Stress Academy, Mr. Minister.

Now, relax.

And allow us to transport you to a brighter, better future.

Using the very root of your stress as a vehicle for your complete recovery.

Bafana, Bafana, is the best thing in the world.

Bafana!

Bafana, Bafana, Bafana.

No. No. No.

8 ,200 rounds.

Anything for the president, sir.

Great fight.

Thank you, sir.

Have a nice game.

Day.

And finally, Madam President, the parliamentary budget debate on water...

Sorry. It's been

a horrible morning.

Good, sir?

Yes, madam?

The children.

What are we doing for the children this year?

I know it's one of your big concerns, Mlouvo Kwasi.

We'll find something?

Christmas is right around the corner, Kutsi.

We need to do something big.

Something to lighten all the lives of those children out there.

Yes, madam, I know what you mean.

We could all do with a little lightening up in this country, couldn't we?

Greetings, Madame Presidente. I hope this day finds you and your cabinet in a

stress -free state of mind.

No?

I'm sorry, Madame. It's the wrong type.

Wait. Laughter!

I will lift the gathering clouds.

I will part the dark and stormy waters.

I will put the rainbow back in your mansion.

Lights, camera, action.

Yes. Here we see two members of the Rainbow Nation settling down informally

enjoy their very own place in the sun.

For Elias Makwazi and his wife Elizabeth, this is the green, green

home. The very spot where they grew up almost 50 years ago.

But today this is the green, green grass of the Wingate Golf Club in Pretoria.

And the truth is, Elias is not quite as black as he's painted. And behind the

tree lurks our hidden camera.

Our first victim was the green, green grass keeper, Ebert.

What's going on here?

Listen, sir, what is the problem? I'm asking you, what is the problem?

What is the problem? What the hell are you doing here? This is the problem. Can

you not see it's a golf course?

A what?

It's a golf course.

No, no. And it's also a private property.

It is the farm of the Hamiltons in 1948.

And you know what, mister?

Don't talk shit to me, please.

My grandfather, he's buried under that tree.

I'm bringing my team. Well, I wish him luck, but have you got a title deed to

say that you owned this place in 1948?

No, no title. I've got a pay levy. Well, then piss off if you haven't got a

title deed. Why don't you talk your little white boy and your stick? You've

Maningi place to play here.

No, no. And you've also got bloody Maningi place to go and bloody camp by

side defense. Why must you come in here?

Because the ancestors is my ground. It's my ground from my ancestors.

Next up was the club treasurer.

Oh, she was too gross.

Where are you? Where, where? I am here, right in front of you. Where do you come

from? No, you see, I come from Hammanskral, I came from.

But now... Do you know where you are?

Hamilton's farm, Hamilton's farm.

Now, the Minister of Land, he said, the land belongs to everyone. I'm not

stealing, I'm living off the land, you see. It belongs to the club. Hey, go on,

hey, hey, hey. You got in, you sit in the pot, miss. No, this property, it

belongs... How did you get here? Oh, I cut the fence, look.

Come look here, Julia.

I can't defend.

Because this is mine. Look at that man. Once again, he's taking the snookery.

He's hitting the little... My wife, she's sitting here. Now what happens if

bully hits my wife against the head?

She deserves it. No, no, no, no. Will you pay for the damages?

Hey, you know, I'm going to talk to those people.

Really.

Hey, my number, my number.

Your president doesn't know what he's talking about. No, no.

Keep your mouth shut. No, don't hit me. I won't. No, no. Keep your mouth shut.

No, listen, sir. Before you play, you must think with your head. We play, we

play. You must think. You must think. If you touch me again.

Touch me again. No, I didn't hit you. You touched me.

No, but I'm saying you must think.

Hey,

sir, listen here.

Because, but don't step on my lawn. What? Yeah, don't step on my lawn,

If I go to your house, I walk over your lawn like this, like this, like this,

like this. You're going to like it. You say, no, you get off my lawn. I don't

see that this belongs to you. You've got no papers to show me that. You see, I

pay levy.

I pay levy.

To who?

No, the levy. The levy tree. I pay for him. I'm not going to take him back.

levy, I pay him already.

How? Elizabeth!

You want to see me pick him up and put him in the water? Come here and pitch

Don't stand on my lawn. You're crazy, man. Listen to me, sir.

You're making a fire.

This is crazy, man. But why can't you hit the birdie on my lawn? Let me tell

that I am absolutely dumbstruck. My brother from Petersburg is coming this

afternoon with the goats and seven pigs.

You're crazy.

No. Look, if you want to walk and throw stuff, this is my rubbish dump. But

don't walk on my lawn.

Okay?

I am not going mad or something. No, don't walk on my lawn.

What have you got under your feet? Let me see. Yeah, that doesn't matter what

I've got. But how can you walk?

Nah, cuck, man. This can't happen.

Will you just take all your shit and get off here?

I'll hit you with this stick. Don't touch me.

No, then don't eat that ball again.

No. Don't touch me again.

Huh? No, no.

No, no. But you go all the time. All over my place.

All over my place you go. Eat the ball. Now I'm eating away the ball.

Come here.

No, no. Please.

All over the place you go. Eating the ball. What is wrong? No. It's my

This is my wrong, this one. No, no, no, no, no. Don't. Okay.

Okay,

listen here. I want to tell you something. There's a camera there. We're

a movie.

There's a camera there.

How many times have I been done it this year, Billy?

I love to count.

You know, I get my brains clapped out of my skull every second day trying to

relieve other people's stress. In the meantime, I'm stressing my own life down

the tubes for peanuts and Jack Poopface.

Stop complaining, man. You had a good run in the old South Africa.

You were a household name, just like the AWB. Yeah, what did that help us?

Where's the report on the Minister of Transport?

You'll get it when I'm finished.

No, Mr. Poo -Poo Ball, I get it now. Otherwise, you're finished.

Hello, is that I?

Yes. Hi.

Can you tell me what is the flying time to... Just a moment.

Thank you.

Gloria, what's my diary look like today?

It's red with your name in gold.

This is Jack Putnam in Stress Academy. May

I speak to Mr. Putnam, please?

Hold on.

Can you take a call now, Paraki?

Who is it?

She didn't say, but it sounds like an OC.

Yes?

It's the President! You dumb, stupid, nitwit, mad cow baboon!

Don't call me dumb! Shut up!

Hello, Madame Presidente.

I'm terribly, terribly sorry. It's my secretary.

She's got a half a mind.

Thank you, Madame Presidente. Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Madame Presidente, of course. It'll be an honor, a great, great honor.

You think the idea has merit, Mr. Padaman? Padaman, Madame Presidente, the

is a humdinger. It's bigger than Aladdin. It's bigger than Lion King.

A new South African anti -stress comedy video with your stamp of approval.

And all the profits going to the poor, homeless, needy little children.

We put it on the shelf at Christmas time. It's going to fly.

Guaranteed. What kind of figure are we looking at here, Mr. Paderman?

We're looking at a round bottom of about... We're looking at the line of a

bottom round. We're looking at a bottom line of around... Who can say?

Millions.

Rest assured, Jack Paderman will put every cent we make on this video in the

mouths of the poor, homeless, starving little buggers.

They can look forward to millions of rands on their Christmas tree this year.

You've got my word.

Wonderful. Mr. Putumen, you are going to make me the happiest old woman in the

world. Me too, Madame Presidente. I can't wait to get my fingers on this

project. By the way, who is that funny man in the disguise that is always

tricking the people?

Oh, no, no, it's not important.

Oh, come now. I really want to know. Well, to be honest, it's me.

Really?

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

The Presidente, she wanted to do business

with me, Jack Padaman. You know what that means?

Yes, it means frogman. Money!

Lots and lots and lots of money!

Glamour!

Glitz.

Gloria.

It'll be the world's best anti -thrash video.

I'm gonna call it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. I've got a left -handed bladder. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I've got a bladder.

I'm sorry.

I've gone from that angle.

I just, I got a skewed bladder.

Who's saying?

Oops,

I'm sorry. Hey!

I'm sorry.

Huh?

No, that was my place.

They removed my phosphate, which infected my bladder. Now I've lost my

direction. I'm sorry.

Whoops.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was an accident.

I'll kill you. Huh?

I'll kill you.

No, I didn't do it on purpose.

What? Wait.

Those rugby men really took it very personally.

Then I went back to Black on a Saturday afternoon outside Ellis Park and waited

to give a passing motorist.

some direction in life you

are

where you are now you are here now you have to go up here

It's fine, I'm okay, thank you. Hey, bro, you look stressed out. What's your

problem? You know what really stresses me out? You people.

You cameramen.

All you gotta do the whole day long is peep through a lens and corpse yourself

every time I get the snot clapped around my cop. I don't think that's fair.

It comes with the territory, Sharksman. For what? For money. For my career.

For Jack.

Who knows, man. Maybe this video sells like sootcooks and we make money for the

president's dream. The president sees your talent, next thing you...

back in that last town.

You think Jack Poopface will give me any credit for this thing? You've got two

chances, China. Forget about Poopface for once, man, and think about what

doing for these kids here, man.

Yeah, I'm thinking. You know what I'm thinking? What?

Charity begins at home, and this is home, my friend.

At least you've got a home.

Let's wrap this set, move over to the supermarket. I'm going to get some

groceries. I'll see you there, okay?

Gaffer?

Gaffer!

What is your job on a set? Light, sir.

Exactly. Then stop thinking you're bloody Mick Jagger and get some lights

that supermarket before I shove that Walkman right down your stress pad.

Sorry,

sir.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I don't speak that. I speak English.

Yes.

You. You see that red sign that say stop?

Oh, the red sign. Yes, I see. I see.

Sorry. Yes.

You see that white stop that's writing big on the rope?

Oh, the stop. Yes. Yes, I see. I see.

You see that white line that means stop?

Oh, yes. I see the white line that means stop. Yes.

And why doesn't you stop?

Oh, because I did not see you, Gogo.

I'm sorry, I did not see you.

I'm sorry.

Name?

Isaac.

Isaac Nko Nko Ezeku Ezekuza.

Don't let me ever get you do that again.

I will do that thing again. I promise.

On my soul.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What is wrong? Why are you following me, eh?

Nothing,

Baba. You look just like my daddy.

He died in a technical loss here.

I'm sorry. It's okay. It's okay. Don't cry.

I'm sorry. It's okay. What is your name? Don't cry. Frankie. Don't cry. It's

okay. Is there something I can do for you?

Can I call you Daddy just one time? Can you call me son just one time? Yes, of

course, my son.

It's okay. Don't cry. Don't cry, okay?

Okay, thank you, Daddy.

Thank you, Daddy.

Oh, okay, Mom.

You must be a good boy. Okay, Daddy.

Bye,

Daddy.

Goodbye, my son.

Tell Mommy I love her.

That's 375 .90.

And this one is 443 .25.

For what? Your son.

He said you were going to pay for his groceries.

I've had it up to here.

They moor me around like I'm a bloody chintz bag. They steal my grocery.

I've got to pay. You tell that poopface he wants a movie. He can go and make it

himself. A grap is a grap, but you make me a sombrele in a man's hole.

Children.

Little bastards.

I'm going to lay a complaint.

These are the guys you're making the video for.

You better believe me, China. We want to do a movie here that's going to make

four, five million bucks for the President's Children's Fund. We're going

need a gravy train full of jokes.

Fresh, different, funny.

Just like Gloria.

I want her, Billy. I've got to have her.

She's great.

Look, she might be blonde, but she's not that dumb.

Come in. It's open.

Um... I'd just like to say I just saw your act out there and I thought it was

excellent. It actually knocked me out flat.

And I was thinking I'm making this movie for the president and the children's

fund to raise money.

Would you possibly play a little?

Over here.

You're not really, uh, blonde?

Dumb? No.

It's just an act.

A little lesson for you men out there.

Never judge a woman by the color of her hair.

No.

So what?

So tell me about this movie, Mr. Big Time Producer.

Annie was a real cutie, and I immediately threw her into the deep end

Park, armed with a tray of condoms and ready to prove just how vain men can be.

Excuse me, sir, can I interest you in a free condom promotion?

They're brand new on the market.

Small, medium, large, extra large.

What size?

What do you think?

Well, I don't know, sir, you should know.

I'm an extra large. You're an extra large?

You're sure, sir? It's very cold today.

Do you like measure?

You can go over and measure, and you can come back, and I'll tell you which one.

I think let's take the mediums.

Small, medium, large, extra large.

Even with the small part.

I think you're definitely a small, sir. It's for a long time. I think you're

definitely a small. No way, dear.

That's what I'm using.

Is that what you're using? Are you sure, sir?

Positive. Can I take for my real size and for my fantasy?

What is your real size and what is your fantasy size?

That's for you to find out.

Have you got super large?

No, I haven't got super large, unfortunately, sir. Are you interested,

What size do you take?

Super large. No, we don't have super large.

Thanks a lot, sir. We are right.

No, it's small, actually.

Small. Yeah, definitely small, sir.

Sorry.

Small. Small. Would you like to try some? Then I took Annie to the

for a real slap -up meal.

You know, today, I want a bigger, fatter rump steak.

Rump.

What? Your rump.

No, the doctor say it's no rump steak. It's not good for your health.

Okay. You order something else.

I'll have the fish and chips with big chip. Can I?

No chip. You know it's bad for your health. No rump steak, no chips, okay?

Okay, we take only the fish then without the chip, okay?

The fish without the chip. With the fish without... Okay, okay.

Ice cream?

No ice cream.

Okay. It's mineral water.

It's diet drink. Diet... I'll drink it for you. Okay, just can I have coffee

with a little bit of cream?

Just a little bit of cream.

Don't do this to me, my darling. Just a little bit of cream. No cream. No cream.

How?

See what this woman just does to me. I don't know because I come here every

you slap, slap. My whole life is one slap.

Annie, relax.

It's going to be fine. You've got to enjoy.

You've got to have fun, okay?

So just do it.

Grab the man by the spinners.

Okay, stand by.

break the myth and it's not my fault.

Comrade, I think I am in love.

You're in love.

So, what do you think?

I think it's great. And it's excellent.

But it's not the big thing.

What? The big thing.

Every movie's got to have a big thing.

The thing that makes them talk about the movie.

Smacks them in the face.

Brings them back to the theater. You don't need no big thing, man. You've got

big thing. Dress.

Isn't this what this movie's all about?

Okay, hit that computer. Tell them about the first time I arrived on a movie

set. Long before I was a cameraman.

Yes! Yeah.

Ah, ah, no, no, no, no, no. Spook, Spook, I didn't ask you for the tripod.

asked the gaffer for the lights here, okay?

Gaffer!

Gaffer!

You talking to me? Gaffer!

You talking to me? Can you hear that I'm talking to you, you dumb, stupid

gaffer?

No one, no one said that to me, and get away with it.

Hey,

hey, hey, you've got to go. What's the time? I believe now. Stick around. We're

on our own here, man. Shucks, shucks, shucks. Some of us have got wives, man.

I've got to go.

Please, just one more. Okay, one more.

Don't you have a clock in this place, man? I don't have.

That second day of February, 1990, that historic day. That's when Mandela was

released. Yeah, man, but my cousin Fusi was the houseboy at Jan van der Merwe's

farm in the Free State, eh? Now, that's stressful.

Ladwai! Okay, okay. Now, it all started with...

political prisoner Nelson Mandela has been released and from today is free to

participate in open and unrestricted political activities

My brother! Oh, Jan just want to go and load up some sheeps over there, okay?

Hey, now what is that now?

What's going on here?

This is not the way it's going to work anymore.

Now, let me explain to you something very good now, okay?

You see, this is how it's going to be from now on.

We eat together, we drink together, we smoke together, we stand together.

Hey, what are you going to do tomorrow, man? I'm going to... Yeah,

man, that's the way. That's what's up there.

Yo,

Danny.

It's dark in there, but there's no cover to keep the fire straight.

Wonderful. Paraki?

I want a screening for all the top brass video dealers in Gauteng, Monday.

Paraki, I've been thinking.

Take two aspirins. The pain will go away.

Can't we go to Shumba Valley again?

Just you and I.

$89 .95 per unit.

What was my original estimate?

It was so romantic.

You made me feel like a real woman.

Gave me flowers.

Dinner by candles and lights.

A lion snoring in the background.

Will you shut up, woman? I'm trying to concentrate.

40 ,000... No, no, 45 ,000 units.

That night you even promised to marry me.

I'll be with you in two...

Thanks. Gloria.

I've got a headache.

Come on, woman. If it wasn't for me, you'd still be walking the streets all

down. So what's wrong with being a meter mite?

Mr. Coutier, come in, come in.

Oh, don't worry about her. Somebody must have pulled the valve behind her neck.

This is from the Minister of Transport.

Archer! The minister is a man after my own stomach.

I love Archer. The stronger, the better.

You've got to have a strong constitution to make it in this business.

Gloria, two teas pronto.

Come, Mr. Coutier. Sit down, sit down.

Meet Jaap van der Koek.

award -winning filmmaker from holland at least that's what we told the carefully

selected macho men who came to audition for a lead role in yap's hot new movie

the storm the actors who arrived to audition for the role of julius knew

would have to play a stormy and very physical love scene what they didn't

was the real secret of julius's lover the secret of francis he's got this

recollection of francis that keeps coming back his lover and he actually

he killed francis and then at the point in time on that scene he's looking out

at the raging ocean and there is francis all of a sudden only in his mind not

really only in his mind but we see francis standing there and that's the

of of fingers trembling touching hands touching uh lips parting and the desire

and he grabs francis and they go down and they start making furious furious

and what's the what's the story with nudity in the phone no well we've got a

but very soft it's not like you know all over the place and you just see all

this stuff.

It's not so much about, you know, going the full thing.

Who's Francis? Francis is Kim Schumacher, who is this Dutch film star

would like you to rehearse the scene with. And just do the little bit of

intimacy from it there. Okay, okay.

Then my secretary broke in Francis.

Hi.

Okay, that is...

Francis, the role of Francis.

How is it? Sorry, is he

not straight, or what's the story there? Let me explain to you how I do it.

So Nick, stand there,

and then just let the fingers touch, and then grab Francis, and drill.

Emotional stuff. And then you get onto the bed and you look into the eyes and

it's all there, the feeling.

I couldn't do that, honestly. They didn't tell me about this at all. No, I

should have been told.

Actually, you are a sports presenter, so you can take a joke.

Because I miss the shots.

I thought you were a bit over the top.

Take it off. Serious stuff.

It is not lighthearted. Now watch James Bothwick's face as Francis enters.

Is he

going to play a girl?

Is he going? I don't understand the question.

No.

Yeah, I spilled it. My wife spilled it. No, I spilled it myself. No, no, he's

playing himself.

You see, it's a psychological erotic thriller.

But it's an erotic thriller between two men. What I want you to do is just touch

the hands.

Go ahead, just try it for me.

Stand up. Let us stand up.

Yeah, you don't do that. The kissing must be very furious.

I'm not kissing a man on any movie. Only that it must be lovely.

No, not for a man. Just rehearse for me one time. You can do it with me then.

That's all I'll do. Okay, just go. So I want the two of you to meet and to do

this rehearsal. Nick Lorenz was totally confused.

Can we

just start and then rehearse the scene? Sure.

So you will be... Okay, okay.

So this big... So they say, you know, you start ripping the

clothes off in this audition.

You know what I'm saying?

And they kissing, they kissing, and they kissing, and you go, you go.

I kiss him. You kiss him. Oh, but with the touch of total... You know you get

into this thing. Yeah.

So you are Francis.

I'm playing Francis. No, no, for this moment. I just brought him in to meet

I am going to play Francis now.

For the audition.

With

Terence

Reese, I pretended to get really bored.

Get the character, be the character, play the character.

This voice -over.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's it, Shucks.

It's good stuff.

It's okay. It's not the big thing.

...released yesterday by the Department of Public Safety paint a very grim

picture of a country battling to come to terms with the worst crime rate in the

world. But the good news is that the police are making a major breakthrough

the battle... The spokesman for the ministry said an intensive... Addressing

international media conference in Johannesburg yesterday, the commissioner

public safety apologized for being more than...

Street. One right R -I -T

-E Latin street.

Wait a minute.

B -I -I -1

-8 -3

and have detailed the same by the giving and receiving of a ring and the joining

of hands, I now declare you man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

I'm Gloria.

Now go.

Gloria!

Gloria!

What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, Mr. Putterman.

Mr. Palamon? Mr. Palamon? You never called me Mr. Palamon before. What's

on here?

Who's this?

It's a Yoko Bracho.

A what? A Jacob Streitap.

We've got the top of the video coming for a screening in two days' time. And

you do all day long is sit and stare at a stupid flower.

Now get your ass off that chair. Earn your living for a change.

You dumb, slack, George Galton catatonic mad cow.

That's wrong.

I go da -da -da, then you go do -do -do. And only then must we go do -do

together.

One, two, three. Don't mess with my stress.

Don't mess with my stress.

What now?

Well, you said we must go doo -doo together.

It's not the doo -doo I'm worried about.

Okay, right.

Okay, let's hear it.

Come on, let's hear it.

in the house. Let us drink a pause now to your

future and your happiness and your prosperity and to South Africa.

the poor, needy, little, vast children of South Africa.

Gloria, now, be generous when you place your orders for the panic mechanic with

the beautiful Gloria.

We got seven shooting days left, and I still don't have the big thing.

Shucks, will you stop worrying about the size of your thing? Can't you see?

You've done it. I've done it? Yes, you've done it.

145 ,000 units 2 .3 million rand

That's a nice name.

Is it Jacob with a K or Jacob with a C?

Yes, Jacob with a G, otherwise it was a K -cop.

Jacob, you can take off my pantyhose.

I'm not wearing your pantyhose, Dorian.

Jacob!

Jacob.

Your flight sir

Uncle, you just help me. My braces are coming stuck in the back. He's a white

man with a black arm, but he'll have beautiful things.

When he sends you, he'll be brave.

Order at your place.

Total sales to date from panic mechanic video,

9 .2 million rand. Total sales to date from panic mechanic video, 9 .2 million

rand.

Net profit, 6 .7 million rand.

Just the normal type of boom that you find at the toll gates.

Right. And two camera boxes.

Okay? Thank you. Bye.

Shucks, shucks, shucks.

Take a look at this.

Is that all you can say?

We've just made more than six million bucks for the kids, and the movie's not

yet released, and all you can say is, The movie is not finished, Billy. We

have the big thing, but I've got a...

Good morning, sir.

No,

I can't speak your language. Sorry.

What is happening is we have decided, the government and the Minister of

Transport, that we are putting RDP tollgate to improve the standards of our

roads.

No,

but you see, sir, because you misuse the road. So we want to...

You will want to improve the road for you. What is your weight?

My weight? 110 kilos.

No,

but because for every 90 kilos, for every kilo above that, it is one extra

round.

You will

pay

50 rand for a bottle of whiskey.

But you will not pay two.

I will take

your keys away.

No, you will not drive if I tell you.

Just give me the wallet.

Can't you speak English? Are you not educated?

No, I'm a South African and English speaking South African.

Yeah.

Give me the wallet, sir.

What? How? You're defamating my character. You're swearing at me.

I'm taking your kids away.

What?

But it's for the government. I'm just working.

I'm working.

You know...

I'm on my way. I'm busy harvesting.

You know what's harvesting?

No, I have not got a faintest idea.

What is it?

No,

I don't care about pub.

Otherwise, you know what happens. I make your villa pub.

No,

no,

no, no, no.

Listen,

I'm a government official.

RDP, better roads, better future. You pay.

The country's just ready, man. Hey, wait. What are you doing?

Good morning.

This is the RDP for the better roads, you know.

You've got to pay me 50 rand before you can go through.

Okay.

Can you just get out of your car? No, no, no. I'm not going to pay.

Yes, there are parts here. It wasn't a toll road. No. But this is a government

instruction. Your government just won't admit anything, man.

Listen. What must I listen to today? Please tell me. What is your weight?

My weight?

You are too fat. Too fat to do what? To use the road.

No, no, listen. What have you got on the back of the bucket? Two pigs, man. You

must take the pigs and let us weigh them. Who's going to take the pigs out?

I will take the pigs out. Take the pigs, man.

Okay. You're not going to take my pigs? Take the pigs and weigh them. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Just calm down a little bit, please.

Hey, come through. Come through. Why? Why what?

Come through.

Why this man? Go through.

How the hell can you go through that face?

And it's not pain.

He's black, sir.

Black? Come, I show you something, man.

Look at that pick. Black behind, in between is white. What do you want to

Black and white?

No, I want... You want the technical or what do you want? No, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

No, don't... Hey!

Hey! Hey!

I believe that money is for the

RDP!

I'm making a movie.

It's not a big thing.

Ridiculous, man. We've got enough stuff here to entertain ten bloody rainbow

nations for twenty bloody years, and you keep chasing this big thing like a

little puppy dog chasing a taxi. Just get off this big thing and onto the

Man, we've got three days left.

Hello.

One king -size margarita for you.

Oh, yummy, yummy, yummy.

I haven't eaten nothing in two days.

Victor, how many sauces may I catch a pizza, ma 'am? Six?

No, twelve. I'm very hungry.

Thank you.

Good

day, good

day, Sal. Hello, Gloria.

Jacob, hello.

What say you for lunch?

really go out right now. No, no, we don't have to go out.

Because I'm already in.

Okay, bye.

Bye. Oh, Manolo.

God, you are king size pizza.

He's that kind, Jacoby.

Gloria, you know, I've been thinking.

Did you open once in a row and licking and all those hooters?

Are we not even married?

Thank you, my mom. Ruben, that's Mark, you are.

Are you asking me to marry you?

The answer is yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Your VADA bank account number in Switzerland is J -A -P -S -A

477 slash 34 slash 944.

To deposit, press 7. To withdraw, press 5.

To transfer, press 9.

Yes? Is that the panic mechanic?

Speaking. This is the president.

I just called to say congratulations on a very, very wonderful reaction to your

first review. Thank you, Madam President. Thank you very much. I'm so

happy. If I think of all those children out there who are going to be benefiting

from this great project.

Yeah, I'm happy too.

Thank you. You know, the first time we met, I said to myself, what a rare

combination, a good businessman and a master of disguises and accents.

And so humbling to the bargain.

Mr. Piderman, you are a genius.

Hello?

Mr. Piderman?

Hello?

He shucks.

Press 9 and then enter to make this inter -account transfer of 6 .7 million

rands. Press 9 and then enter to make this inter -account transfer of 6 .7

million rands.

Press 9 and then enter to make this inter -account transfer of 6 .7 million

rands.

Your inter -account transfer of 6 .7 million rands has been completed

successfully. Mazel tov.

Chuck! Billy!

Now, you listen to me.

I want to stop all shooting on panic mechanic as of now.

I've been looking at the figures. You guys have made me broke.

We're way over budget. So that's it.

Finito. Cut.

There goes the big thing.

Oh, Madame Presidente, how nice to hear from you.

Cut off. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.

I apologize, Madame Presidente. Jacques. Jacques, what's going on? Just talk to

me, man.

Jacques.

Absolutely, Madame Presidente. Like sure as... Three very, very strong branches.

We're going to hang millions on that tree.

No, no, Madame Presidente. I thank you. I thank you very, very much indeed.

Goodbye.

Transfers. He's taken the kid's money. I demand you come back here!

Creepy pizza.

Gloria!

Speed cop.

Okay, okay, I'll take you to Shumba Valley.

I'm richer than him.

Honeymoon sweet.

Gloria!

Don't come running back to me, bitch!

Hey,

she remembered my lunch.

She'll be back.

Ah!

Four seasons, my favorite.

Shucks. No, he's not been here. Did you try his foot? I've been there.

Damn it.

Hey,

you've

stolen

my pet.

Look what I brought for you! A Christmas tree!

Hey, you're being nice to Jack, eh? Not Jack, me. I should have known. I know

the man. Look what he did to me.

Then shucks.

I've got this uncle of my mother now, whose sister's niece is a distant cousin

of Bishop Tutu's brother's brother's wife.

Maybe I can ask her if she can organize us to meet with the bishop so that the

bishop can get us an appointment with the president. Yeah, boy? Yeah.

Your drink, sir.

Because the best two bottle of wine you got.

What, yes, sir?

What do you mean, what? I want it now.

Anybody seen Twitty?

Twitty, Twitty.

Twitty.

Twitty. Twitty.

Twitty.

Gloria?

Hi, Shark.

What's this?

It's a speed code.

Jacopi, I love him and we're getting married on Boxing Day. Aye, Jacopi, aye?

Hey, I didn't even know about this. What about Jack?

I told him this afternoon I'm finished with him and klar.

And then he all of a skilful wants to take me to Shumba Valley.

So you know what I tell him? I tell him he can go poo in the zoo.

And then I some kicked him in the test ticket.

I didn't know you were so full of aggression.

Only when I don't. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, and that is what I am. Like

and Jolly and Baywatch's femme.

I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm a 46 -y.

Hello?

Listen, Billy and I decided we're going to give you and Jacob something real

special for a wedding present.

You know, we're going to miss you at the Academy and all that, and we've been

chommies for a long time. So, we booked you the honeymoon suite at Chimba Valley

for this coming weekend. Just the two of you, everything on us, dop, chops, the

works. How does that grab you?

Oh, no, Shaq, sit any way on. No, I promise, below the nanny's coupella.

Checking camera one. Camera one, lounge.

Camera three, bedroom.

Hey, Blondie, how you doing?

Hi, sweetie.

Yes?

Baraki. Gloria.

Oh, Baraki, I'm so terrible sorry about everything.

But now I'm right here in a honeymoon suite in Chimba Valley.

Waiting for you, Baraki.

Don't move. Stay right where you are. One, two.

I'll be with you in two seconds.

English, Afrikaans, Zulu, Kosa, Sesutu, Setswana, Peri, Venda, Tsonga,

Tendebele, or Hindi.

English. Thank you.

I don't see a man.

Okay. Sorry.

Your pregnant wife.

You were going so fast, I was sure you were on your way to the labor ward. I'm

sorry, I'm not married.

199 kilometers per hour in a 90 zone.

You know what that means?

Mr. Policeman, I can explain.

Six months behind bars.

for a 50 rand admission of guilt.

Ah.

Can you break a 200?

What? You men, are you trying to curry favor with an officer of the law? I am

sure I heard myself say 50 rand.

Get out of the car now.

Assume your position while I read your rights. You have the right to six months

in jail for exceeding the speed limit by 90 kilometers per hour. You have the

right to a further 12 months in prison for currying favor with an officer.

Hey, man, you like curry?

Old stuff. Old brand.

Sorry.

Well, welcome, my friend, to Remsemi Naidoo's portable curry den. My humble

little achar business on the side. Today I would like to strike a very

particular deal with you and all. You try my achar, you like my achar, you buy

my achar. And maybe then we drop all your other rights. Okay. So let us

now into the very gentle art of achar tasting with a particular favorite of

mine.

Achabutela, the chili red peppers, poppers, and mangoes, otherwise referred

as mango sutu or boho pelosa, guaranteed to give you more runs on an average day

than Hansi Cronje in a good cricket season. You have absolutely got to try

one and all.

Open up.

And open up, open up.

Yes, yes, a nice big one.

So much for the mild stuff.

Now, let me introduce you to my infamous citrus ramaposa, which is orange, very

hot. In chunchuwe pichwe, which is curry peach, very hot.

And nachbuta's balls, which is nachis, very small.

My pickle special in cozy tikalili in Africa.

30 Farts and Burps is for the more conservative palate, but my ultimate

favorite is this one.

Mukava's Inflammatory. Chili beans with red pepper, white pepper, black pepper,

and it comes with toilet pepper with a purchase price of $49 .95, including vet

and Vaseline. I insist that you try Khoisan Triple F. It is like an angel

weeping on your tongue.

Open a nice and big for me. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

You like? You like?

It is good.

So, no more speeding at all, right?

No, no, sir.

No more bragging of an officer of the law, right?

Never, never. And you will tell your friends about Ramsevi Naidu's portable

achaden, right?

Good. Have a shit what day.

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Oh,

God.

Hi. Excuse me, my Bucky's got a flat. I wonder if you can help me.

Don't tell me the spare's also leaking.

Go down!

Go down!

Lay off!

To get to you, my sweet little bobblehead. But this is why.

I'm going to give you an opportunity to be a smart blonde for once.

Marry me.

Fly away with me. A villa of light, Janita. A luxury yacht.

And 6 .7 million stress video profit waiting

in my Swiss bank account.

all the children's money and now you come to steal me.

There's just one little problem.

Okay. And that's that.

What's it for? Christmas only comes once a year.

Good to see you.

Yes, sir.

The Hanks' great real

movie's a big thing.

Oh shucks.

He's a pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, panic mechanic.

He owns a 4x4, but he hasn't got any wheels.

He built the rest of it from bits and parts and seals.

One day he'll make a plan and get himself...

when he stops all the panic.

Because a long time ago, that's the way the good Lord planned it.

The pa -pa -pa, pa -pa -panic.

The pa -pa -pa, pa -pa -panic.

But when he stops all the panic, because a long time

ago...

One more time.