Original subtitles

He wanted the comic book on credit!

The "yellow peril" exists. That Chinese boy always screws me up.

SPEAKING CHINESE

IMITATING A PIG

IMITATING A PIG

Did you go out already?

It's winter. Third winter without a job.

Maybe I'd be better off out there. I think this winter I will eat it.

Probably I won't have anything else to eat.

- Hello, Michel. - Hello.

- Are they good? - Yes.

- It's a man! - Really?

Look.

Yes, you're right.

- Should I take the pictures back? - No, I will keep them.

- A baby. - Looks like you!

I'm taking a plane tonight.

We have time to make love, then you'll take me to the airport.

Yes.

- Are you shaving? - Yes.

- Go! - I'm going.

IMITATING A PIG, A SHEEP AND A COW

What a scare!

I wouldn't make a baby without telling you.

If you wanted one, it would be done now.

Had you asked me, maybe I would have stayed.

Perhaps.

No, I would have left anyway.

You don't want this baby and I want it too much.

I don't know if I will miss you.

Of course I will miss you!

You didn't want to give me a son, but I have good memories.

Hello.

- She's beautiful. - YEs.

- Yours? - Yes, mine.

You forgot the baby.

At night it lights up, and it's washable.

You are not taking me! I don't want to see you cry when I leave.

What if it was a real baby? Would you have broken it?

- Hello, Michel. - Hi, Michel.

What a great night! Exceptional night!

For the first record the second prize!

Hello, Michel. Great night!

Exceptional night!

SINGS IN ENGLISH

Tell him, Michel. I need to learn how use computers. If I want to find

work, I'm sure the need to master this machine.

This guy dominates.

Are you with your grandfather?

Say you are an idol to him.

And I'm unemployed. One of two million losers.

Marcel, you promised to go to bed early.

You too, Mom.

What did you think of my neck? Like it?

The floppy, how much?

200 francs, at least.

I'll give you money, but be gentle with Yves, please!

Okay, just for you.

But I have much to lose.

Michel!

Look.

What a nice wall! I'd like to paint you there.

But I still don't know if I want to place you like this or like that...

...or else just the head.

Thank you for recommending me.

With my first stipend as a programmer...

...I will pay you back, I swear.

- What did you decide? - "Drastic times call for drastic measures".

- Date of birth? - February 1913.

I have to do it, sorry.

Thank you!

- When do you start "Master of the world"? - In two minutes.

- Sit there. - No, I'm wearing a new dress. It will get ruined.

You scare me.

You are being really mean now.

What is it you don't like about me? My name?

You're right. Isabelle sucks.

I'm going to change it then. My name's Camelia now: like it?

Camelia is cute.

Tie Camelia up, as you do with your motorcycle.

Someone could steal your Camelia.

Michel!

- Let' go! - Go! Hurry up!

Go!

This is my house!

Lovers! Jerks! Well... yes.

> I love you.

> I love you.

WHISTLES > I love you.

WHISTLES > I love you.

WHISTLES I love you.

Look. Do you like my jacket?

I never wear it, it's too flashy.

That is a sheep, and that's a bear.

WHISTLES I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

For the chronically unemployed, the third winter is a hard battle.

What is coming up will be terrible. I hope I will be healthy.

The pears of your tree, your milk, sugar...

...the blender...

A nice vitamin smoothie, it makes you start the day well.

- Keep the rhythm. - Should I? - Come on! - Yes.

- I follow the blonde. - Smooth.

- I watch the girl and move my hips. - Move your hips!

- Easy. - Is that good?

Enough, you are hopeless. I'm going to work.

In the morning you are energetic because you are going to work.

Getting up to go to work gives you an extra boost.

I get up because I'm looking for a job. It's not the same thing.

I also must keep in shape in order to save on bus fare.

Today I have fie interviews in five different neighborhoods.

> I have many miles ahead of me.

Sorry

> And it's very cold.

WHISTLES

I love you.

WHISTLES I love you.

WHISTLES

I love you.

Cool! You whistle and that thing answers.

Do that again.

- I love you. - Cool! How much was it?

- I didn't pay for it. - A present?

- It fell from the sky. - Water goes to the ocean...

You are so lucky! And noone is more unlucky than me!

May I try?

The piece of shit doesn't answer.

- I love you. - Of course! Here's another one that only listens to you.

IMITATING A PIG - Bitch! - It's not a bitch.

WHISTLES I love you.

I love you.

- I love you. - It works with pigs.

> With everyone but me.

What the fuck!

There are no lumps in yours, obviously.

Whenever you want. It's free for you.

No, I want to pay.

When?

I don't know.

Michel!

When?

- Good morning. - Two tickets for Mogadishu.

- Do you have a vaccination certificate? - Yes.

- Your passport? - Yes.

Your latest certificate. Good, let's see.

- I also have money. - I'm sorry, but your visa is expired.

- You can't leave. - All policemen say the same thing!

Calm down SPEAKING SOMALI

I'm going to check if any other document has expired. Calm down.

- I'm sorry, but... - Excuse me!

An information, please...

I'd like to know whether it's possible to go around world with very little money.

May I help you?

Just a piece of information. Do you think it's possible?

- Excuse me? - If between the Seychelles and Hong Kong...

...I stop in Singapore, would that be more expensive? - Don't touch.

- How much? - Don't you understand me?

- Well? - If I don't go to Africa, would I get the same price?

If you go around the world, you must stop in Africa.

I think you might be right.

The problem is that I don't have that much money.

It's not even too little money. But it's not flexible.

That happens. Miss, I am here. You think about it.

I'll wait.

Good.

MICHEL WHISTLES

> I love you.

> I love you.

> I love you. - What was that?

You are a ventriloquist!

It's fantastic!

Do that again!

I love you.

BLOWS

- The director? - I love you.

- Can't I help you? - I want the director. - He's not here.

It's surprising that you are still in business.

I can't afford going around the world, but at least I'd like one of those.

You can't buy it. It will find you, if it pleases it.

I have enough money to invite the two of you in a "corner of paradise".

"Paradise"!

"A Corner of Paradise." Ok.

- Then I will see you at 5. - What's this?

- Don't you see? - Archery.

If the brochure promises archery and then it's not there...

...I can get mad, right? - Yes.

- Is there archery there? - In the picture, yes. - But they don't have it!

- Why? - You tell me.

Michel!

"CAMELIA WANTS YOU" Do I make you laugh?

- No! - Archery.

What are we going to do?

TANGO

I love you.

Take it, I'll give it to you.

You are a darling!

Come!

Stop! Stop! You're driving me crazy!

I'm complicated, do you understand?

When I start dating someone I need to be free.

- I am free. - On the contrary...

...I'm coming out of a love story. Forgive me.

Tonight I'll break up with him and tomorrow... ok?

- Now. - It's impossible.

I can't break up with him on the phone.

Yes.

With me it's never a "one night stand". You must stay with me.

I like everything. I like to stay and I like to go.

- I'll try but I can't promise you anything - Try.

I love you.

You hate me, don't you?

Are you mad at me?

Answer then.

- I love you. - Good.

DOORBELL

Thief! Give it back! You stole my keychain!

- I didn't steal it, it's mine. - Taking back is stealing!

- Let's say that I stole my keychain. - Some money was missing.

- I don't steal money. - I don't give a shit about money!

I broke up with my boyfriend on the phone.

I was afraid he might kill himself, instead he was nice about it.

- I am free, Michel. - But I have a lot to do. Come.

Look at that.

- Michel, she locked herself up! - I locked, then it's locked.

- Open up! - I'm tired. - Michel, open up! - No.

- Please, open the door!

- Michel! Michel!

- Michel, open up!

Your ribbon is all worn out. There you go.

- Are you ready? We're going out now. - Open up, Michel!

Vieni.

- Michel!

> Michel, open the door!

You and the pig should go to sleep.

SPEAKING CHINESE

Michel! Look.

It's only a sketch, but... Don't touch!

Hello, Michel! This morning...

Let's move, it's too noisy here.

This morning I went looking for a job, as usual...

...and I found her. Know what she does? She sings.

Let Michel hear how you sing.

SINGS

Your rock musicians will never sing at such a high pitch.

I hope one day melodic songs will be fashionable again.

They would kill to have a voice like this.

- They could cry as much as they want, it will be useless. > Michel.

The little boys stole your pears again.

I was sitting on the bench, I wasn't lying down like a bum.

I was sleeping and I was dreaming and my dream had sound.

In my dream I heard a sublime voice singing "Amado mio"!

It was beautiful, so pure, too real for a dream.

I should have woken up, but I couldn't.

Then I opened one eye and I saw her.

She was singing better than she was in the dream and she was even more pretty.

She was going around with a cup. She got close...

...I told her I didn't have money and I didn't give her any.

Know what she did?

(singing) Amado mio!

Close the window.

- Do you remember what you did? - What?

Nothing.

MUSIC FROM THE STEREO

(SINGING) A beautiful flower caresses my heart...

...a longing thought of my first love.

The fog in the sweet morning...

...covered the breath of our destiny.

He took my hand and we walked far...

...asking ourselves where we were.

Fantastic images of unfolded wings...

...seagulls suspended in mid-air.

The notes of the wind lingering on tree branches.

In the kisses, in the water the image in pieces.

- My love! - My love!

SINGING

Just think if she was accompanied by a real orchestra.

She drives me crazy.

- You will find a job, you're a genius. - A genius?

In fact, I am a Nobel Prize candidate for bad luck.

You didn't know where to go to sleep and he has a guest room.

- You will be more comfortable here. - All right.

Do you want me to stay?

- I love you. (sings) Amado mio!

I love you.

What is it?

I love you.

You'd like a girl like that, wouldn't you? You whistle and she...

..."I love you! I love you!"

Wouldn't you like that?

That's what you'd want to have. A submissive girl, always ready.

That's your ideal woman. An object at your service!

Is that what you want?

I asked you a question.

I love you.

Whistle, whistle! You seem better than the others at first sight...

...but you are worst!

I am convinced that you are strong and generous.

- Come. - But my place is too small.

- Is there a bed? - Yes.

The space around the bed doesn't count.

I will be back to wash the dishes.

Bring her back, she's nice.

(Tv) There will be plenty of algae and jellyfish down there.

Rip my panties and you will see.

My tool is stronger than a cobra.

- It must tear horribly. - Horribly, you'll see!

I knew it.

It smells of musk! It perfumes of amber.

I'd like to fish in your "raw materials"!

I almost faint at the idea.

- Enough with sentiments, let's see some actions! - Unbutton!

Your pants, what a universe!

WHISTLES

> I love you.

WHISTLES

> I love you.

WHISTLES I love you.

> I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

(quickly) I love you. I love you. I love you.

(slowly) I love you. I love you. I love you.

It was nice yesterday. The first time is not always good.

It went fine last night.

Don't get all worked up just because you made it.

You are a keyholder and you must hold the keys.

OK?

I never had a night like that.

That girl is a bomb...

...an extraterrestrial. Don't be mad at her...

Put the pots in the machine.

This soap is not bad for your hands.

We talked the whole night.

At dawn she fell asleep on my bed, I slept on the chair.

Don't be mad at her, she's not like other girls.

she is an extraterrestrial.

I'm sure she will give me the strength to find a job.

(Tv) The cattle died of starvation.

They are not better off than me.

Speaking of which... do you have any milk for Maria, for when she wakes up?

She will be pleased.

Come and see her, she's a beauty.

- Take the cigarettes. - Thank you. - Keep the packet.

And the lighter.

I'll finish my yogurt and then we'll go.

He's a ball-buster.

Sorry, honey. Keep sleeping.

Isn't she a beauty? As soon as I find a job I will marry her.

She's asleep.

- Hello. - I'd like to go to Japan by train.

- By train? - Yes. - I don't now if it's possible.

With the Transiberian to the Pacific Ocean...

...an then with a cargo or a ferry, either onne. - I will check.

WHISTLES

- I love you. - I love you! I love you!

- You too! - What do you mean? - He's got one too.

Excuse me. I'll take care of it, you help the gentleman.

- How may I help you? - I'd like to go to Japan by train.

- To Japan? - By train. - Let's talk about it in my office.

- Good. - Follow me.

It's a labyrinth here!

Japan is great, but why would you go by train?

- I like the train idea. - May I see it?

- I added a golden chain. - A gift? - Yes.

- It looks the same, but mine has blue eyes - She has grey eyes.

- Do you like blondes? - I like classic beauties.

- Has it been long... - About six months.

- And you? - A short time.

- Wait - With time she will become more and more important for you.

I love you! I love you!

- Today I left her home and I miss her - That's normal.

If sometimes you whistle and she doesn't answer... it has happened to me.

It's enough to drive you mad.

- Champagne, what a luxury! - Here it is.

To our dreams.

There's some clients. Could you come to work?

I'm working. I'll be there in a sec.

I kept whistling like a madman and she remained silent.

- It must have been terrible. - It lasted one week.

- I would have banged my head against a wall! - She...

She doesn't like humidity. Don't you ever shower with her!

- No! - It's enough to drive you mad.

- Come on, whistle. Go ahead, try! - No...

- Go ahead! - Doesn't it bother you?

No, I like it.

- I love you. - It's the same!

- I love you. - Try again.

I love you.

- Enough! She gets mad if I leave her with someone else - Wait!

I can't, really. I have to go.

Take my business card. Call me.

I have to go now. I'm sorry... see you.

See you.

Last night Maria and I were almost married.

This morning she left me a note: "Thanks for everything, goodbye".

- Too bad, she was nice. - Come.

- Wait. - Come see.

- I have to watch this. - It's just commercials.

I need to talk to someone.

Don't run.

Michel, look.

Look! Do you understand?

I'm the only one in the building without electric light.

You might think it's normal, since I don't pay my bills.

To remind me of my misery she left some money with the note.

Wasn't she nice? She left money, as if to say...

..."I leave you some money, as if you fucked me."

- Don't get any ideas about me. - You pay your bills.

Get out!

Maria is right, I'm a piece of shit.

Living like this is not living.

FISCHIA

Normal.

I love you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I don't have any more bread nor milk, nothing. Come in!

- Do I bother you? - What a nice surprise!

I couldn't sleep... so I can save the candle.

- It's not broken, is it? - No.

Tonight there is a Film Festival on femininity commercials.

Interesting.

That commercial was made in the Sixties, maybe early Seventies.

Are you positive?

Please, don't play with the remote.

What a beauty! Sublime! I used to have a picture of her.

- She was one of my nocturnal visions. - What do you mean?

- Sex stuff. - I have visions as well.

Think about bums rummaging in the trash.

Now there are people like you and I who do the same thing.

Yes, but we don't have the experience and the technique that bums have.

We rummage on the surface.

The lingerie they made in the old days was sexier.

- Don't you think? - Yes.

- Hold on, I don't want to be seen with my dirty laundry. - Don't get mad.

I'm not mad.

Look, it's very simple.

A gift.

Two gifts...

Three gifts.

No silk, right?

"Check the quantity you put in the basket."

It's half empty, it's stupid to run it like that.

We better fill it up, it consumes the same amount of energy.

Here's my shirt... finally!

Do you have any fabric softener?

The pants fit in as well.

So you will never die, you will never lose your voice.

Are you happy? I'm happy too.

That's it! All done.

This is new.

She didn't use to have that.

Cute! Makes her sexier.

May I try?

Just one whistle.

WHISTLES

Why don't I ever work with women?

May I try again?

I love you.

It worked!

I love you.

- I love you. - OK, that's enough.

- Are you afraid I'd consume her batteries? - Yes. - Sorry.

I didn't want to.

I wonder what's wrong with me tonight, I'm very sleepy.

I can't keep my eyes open.

The washing machine is still running, I'll come tomorrow to pick up my laundry.

- Yes. - Good night, Michel. - Good night.

- Come. - No, come in. - Come! - You come.

- Not at your place, in your bed. - We could do it on the table.

Let's do it here, outside. Be nice, make me happy.

Making love relaxes me.

I get excited, I get nervous.

Wait.

You were nice to come here, you did the right thing.

I desired you!

WHISTLING

That's rude.

What an ugly whistle!

You must respond to me only.

You must not speak to anyone else, just me!

Is that clear? Is that clear?

If you didn't respond to that guy I wouldn't have behaved like that.

It's up to you!

Be good, be good.

There... see?

Come on.

Come.

I'll take you with me on my motorcycle.

I also had a broken tooth once.

It's a miracle, I couldn't have done it earlier.

Whenever I need to travel, though, you always find me the tickets!

Take that.

There's a fat man in the waiting room ripping pages from a "Playboy" magazine.

- Really? - Would you like me to go check?

- It must be a sex maniac. - One more or one less, what's the difference?

Thanks.

Close your mouth and bite hard. You have a fractured premolar.

I built a bridge between the canine and the other premolar.

It will take a few days to get used to the prosthesis.

You must bite, not whistle.

BLOWS

Great news! I am employed.

But I can't go to work dressed like this.

I'm going to wash it in your washing machine. It needs to be spotless.

It will take 30 minutes.

BLOWS

You can't whistle. It's normal, you're still under the effect of the anesthetic.

Tomorrow you'll whistle better than ever.

Let me see.

It's perfect, I can't notice any difference.

It's still swollen. That's why you can't whistle.

I'll give you a light massage.

Relax.

Do you feel better?

Try.

FAINT WHISTLE

It's normal, you can't see yourself...

When you try to whistle, you twist your lip.

I couldn't do it either like that. If I place my lips correctly...

WHISTLES I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

- I love you. - Stop it!

You want to prove that you can whistle? You are a great whistler!

Oh, I see! If you can't whistle, then noone is allowed to!

Go away now.

Go away!

son of a bitch!

MUSIC BOX SOUND I love you.

MUSIC BOX SOUND

I love you.

I love you. I love you.

- You need a woman. - Yes, she's my ideal.

- Could you take my suit, please? - Yes. Let me see...

...my toe!

Come on.

Yves sent me to get the suit. Don't touch me.

- Stop it, don't touch me! - Why?

I have a boyfriend.

Get off me!

Hello.

I'm going to iron it, come with me.

- Good morning, is Pierre in? - Who are you? - Michel.

Thank you.

I am Pierre's mother. Are you a friend?

We met not long ago, but we are good friends.

My son's girlfriend. Do you like her?

She looked prettier with grey eyes. Mine has blue eyes.

I'll go get him.

Pierre, there's a friend of yours.

Tonight I'm going to Japan by train!

Glad you took care of me.

- She has blue eyes. - Blue?

- Yes. - They are grey.

- No, they're blue. Mine has blue eyes. - I'm going to call the painter.

- I can't whistle anymore. - It's not possible!

Why can't you whistle?

- Sometimes it happens to me as well. - I had an accident.

I never thought about that. That's bad luck!

Could you whistle to her?

I love you.

More.

Only once, unless you lend me one of your teeth.

Mine wouldn't like me to make another one vibrate.

- And me? - I'm afraid your incident might be contagious.

A broken tooth is not contagious, at least I don't think so.

Could you break a tooth eating a banana?

- No, bananas are harmless. - How then?

So I'm staying and you're going...

You're ruining my trip and my life.

The countdown is starting. Look at my hands...

- That's because of alcohol. - No, go away!

You are selfish!

It's a nice catchphrase. "Give a soul to your vacation."

- It's very deep. - We created some very popular trips...

...to Lourdes, Fatima, at very competitive prices, all included.

Train, hotel, religious assistance...

We are counting on peripheral travel agents to make this program popular.

I don't have any problems with that.

Excuse me.

- Michel! - I'll be right back. Can you answer?

I'm coming, sir.

Excuse him. He's the one who should go to Lourdes.

- I have the money. - What for?

Even if you do it for sympathy, I want to pay.

- For me? - Yes, for you.

Come.

Come!

Come fly!

I'm going to eat you up!

I want to teach you a game that you don't know.

I also know one that you don't know.

- What is it? - I whistle and you answer: "I love you".

- Is that it? - Yes.

I love you?

FAINT WHISTLE

Don't laugh! Just say "I love you".

I didn't know you'd make that funny noise.

I whistle how I can.

- Let's start over. Ready? - Yes.

Sorry!

It's the nerves, it happens.

The client is always right. Come on, whistle.

I love you.

Don't you like it?

- You could do it more... - Sexy?

No...

More intimate, such as "I love you".

Yes, I get it. A little slower.

Maybe a little more raucously.

Like the voice of E.T.! What do you say?

It might work.

I love youuuu!

I love youuuu!

More?

I love youuuu!

MUSIC BOX SOUND

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

SHOUTS

They promised him a job but they didn't give him one.

He drank the poison, but he's out of danger now. Too bad!

I have never seen anyone die. It would have been interesting.

You're hurting me!

He was shouting. My TV volume was very high...

...but I heard him and I ran here. It was terrible!

I wanted to die just like I lived, without making noise.

He's out of danger. Make him drink lots of milk.

If you died you couldn't have paid me.

I deserved that job, it was cut out for me.

This is why I didn't get the job.

They gave it to an idiot, but he had all his fingers.

They didn't even look me in the face, they just kept staring at the finger.

Don't cry, OK?

You are smart.

- This... - Smarter than anyone else.

Thank you.

Now it shouldn't bother you any longer.

In any case, a prosthesis is still jut a copy of the original.

- How long will it take? - What for? - For me to whistle like before.

- Are you in a hurry? - Yes. - Not more than four months.

Maybe less, maybe more.

Will I be able to whistle at the same pitch as before?

I am a dentist, not a piano tuner.

It's a tragedy.

Goodbye. Don't you ever come at this time again!

If I stopped talking to you you'd be offended...

...and you'd get sick like me.

- You are not nice. - Why didn't you come to work?

- I didn't feel like it. - Are you sick? - I want to be alone.

I can't run the travel agency on my own.

Tonight a friend of mine almost died.

Hands down!

Why do I have a job and he doesn't?

Three million people should quit their job...

...and give it to those who don't have one. - Do you have a temperature? - Yes.

You get that.

- Good morning. May I come in? - Yes.

- Am I bothering you? - No, I wanted to be left alone.

- Are you coming to work today? - No, I got things to do.

Come.

Well... I have to go.

- I'm leaving. - What are you waiting for?

Through the door, not the window.

- You have nice hands. - To better caress you.

Do you like my breast?

Don't you like them?

They are as pretty as the moon.

Camelia made them grow for you.

They look like two closed eyes...

...without eyelashes.

The right one is bigger, isn't it?

No.

Babies who breast-feed...

...are too young to take advantage of that - You are a baby.

- Take advantage. - You also are a baby. - But I keep growing.

Will you give it to me?

Can't you whistle as well?

No, with all the poison I swallowed...

...my mucous membranes and my palate are completely ruined. - Try.

BLOWS

- Wonderful, isn't it? - Just like mine.

It's Maria! In any case...

...it's a hopeless love, a dream.

At least she made it, she' s on TV.

(sings) Amado mio!

I will pay you back.

I love you. I love you.

- Unbelievable! - I love you.

But...

I love you.

- They are all the same, a bunch of witches. - She's a whore!

- Not even a whore. - She's responding to her.

- That's why she's not a whore. - A lesbian, then. - I don't know.

Good, put her away!

(Tv) Who died? - The cook. - Let's go, guys.

Beautiful, huh?

Yes.

Don't you think?

Absolutely!

(Tv) Prepare a chocolate mousse. - Many thanks!

Let's go to the kitchen.

- I was lucky - He likes you.

Michel, please, take me with you.

I can't. I have to go on my own.

Yes, I'd better stay and get a job.

Do you want my jacket?

I won't give it to you. You can take the banana, if you want.

I'm not giving you the jacket.

Hey!

Hey!