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1
00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:04,536
? It seems today
that all you see ?
2
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:07,806
? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?
3
00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:11,410
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
4
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:14,413
? On which we used to rely? ?
5
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,916
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
6
00:00:17,952 --> 00:00:21,186
? Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ?
7
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:22,788
? All the things that make us ?
8
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:24,189
? Laugh and cry ?
9
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:29,695
? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?
10
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:38,070
Hello, tech support?
Yes, my time machine
11
00:00:38,105 --> 00:00:40,472
is giving me error code
seventeen.
12
00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:43,342
No, I did not
"make love to a bear on it."
13
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:46,612
Shh! But if some bear
did have his world rocked
14
00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:48,882
on this thing,
would that void the warranty?
15
00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:50,783
Oh, boy, time machine trouble?
16
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:53,219
You know, there's one
time machine that never breaks,
17
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:57,556
and is always ready to take you
anywhere, anytime: a good book.
18
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,758
Uch. Sorry, my dog
is very cringe.
19
00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:03,162
I'm Brian Griffin, and tonight
we'll take my "time machine"
20
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,763
to three periods in history.
21
00:01:04,764 --> 00:01:06,299
I don't know.
I think he's doing, like,
22
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,734
court-ordered community service.
23
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,702
Let's start with the story
of the French Revolution.
24
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:13,005
The year was 1789.
25
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,707
King Louis XVI
and his wife, Marie Antoinette,
26
00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:17,510
were throwing
"Moulin Rouge" parties,
27
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:19,678
many of which devolved
into orgies,
28
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:22,748
covering the walls with
"yicky-yicky ya-ya ja-ja."
29
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,517
-["Lady Marmalade" playing]
-More songs per minute!
30
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:28,187
Louder songs! Everyone must
get a Baz Luhrmann headache!
31
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:30,155
Yes, Your Majesty.
32
00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:32,024
God, I love French dancing.
33
00:01:32,059 --> 00:01:35,060
If there's anything hotter
than women standing in a line
34
00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:38,330
and kicking their legs up
really high, I haven't seen it.
35
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:41,667
Bad news, King Louis:
France is in massive debt.
36
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:43,770
-What?!
-Well, just the music clearances
37
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:46,038
on these Baz Luhrmann
sequences alone
38
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,673
are bankrupting the monarchy.
39
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:50,742
Oh, dear. But our hardworking
French laborers
40
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:53,212
are already working up
to four hours per week,
41
00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:55,581
with only winter and summer off.
42
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,049
Can nothing be done?
43
00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:59,618
I think we should levy
a tax on the peasantry.
44
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,353
No, no taxes.
45
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:04,857
We could always cancel
your VouzTube Premium account
46
00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:07,726
and you can just watch regular
VouzTube, with the ads.
47
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,261
Let's do the taxes.
48
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:12,264
? ?
49
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:15,033
Man, things sure are
getting bad here in France.
50
00:02:15,069 --> 00:02:16,768
You said it.
I even got laid off
51
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:18,937
from my job pitchforking
loose hay here
52
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,205
and moving it to there.
53
00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,108
The whole French economy
is based on
54
00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:23,775
slightly moving loose hay.
55
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,478
Bad news, guys. I'm here
to collect some taxes.
56
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:27,713
What?!
57
00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:30,215
The king is levying
a land tax and a head tax.
58
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:33,285
A head tax? But that
could be thousands!
59
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,120
Also, now there's a salt tax.
60
00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:37,122
But the head tax ends
in something
61
00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:39,358
for which there'd be a salt tax!
62
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:41,193
[all booing]
63
00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:42,594
I say, Robespierre,
64
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:45,230
there's a lot of unrest
brewing here in France.
65
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,431
You're right, Danton.
66
00:02:46,432 --> 00:02:48,801
We should take advantage
and foment a revolution.
67
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,703
-For the people.
-Oh, yeah, no, for the people,
68
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:53,106
and-and definitely not for
our own personal advancement,
69
00:02:53,107 --> 00:02:55,875
to where we go nuts with power
and chop off everybody's heads
70
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,277
and eventually even
each other's.
71
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,379
Yeah-yeah, no-no... yeah,
for the- for the people.
72
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:02,414
[Chris] Remember that for
later, for it is foreshadowing.
73
00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:06,618
I'm Chris Griffin, and I dont
only do masturbation stuff.
74
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:09,621
? ?
75
00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:12,958
Citizens of France,
we need a revolution!
76
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:16,328
That's right! King Louis has
destroyed the French economy!
77
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:18,131
Also, it'll be another
couple hundred years
78
00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:20,002
before the Arab immigrants
show up,
79
00:03:20,003 --> 00:03:22,168
but let's start getting angry
about that now!
80
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:23,335
[clamoring]
81
00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:24,904
These guys are making
a lot of sense!
82
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,939
We do need a revolution!
83
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,242
Yeah! I can't wait for
the new symbol of France
84
00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:30,977
to be a woman
with her boob hanging out.
85
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,378
I call dibs on waving a flag
on a barricade.
86
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,013
I'm kind of a barricade guy.
87
00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:38,083
The time has come to join
our revolutionary club:
88
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:39,284
the Jacobins!
89
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,153
Can I join your Jacobin club?
90
00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:43,789
'Cause I'm just
constantly Jacobin.
91
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:46,258
I mean, at least four or five
times a day,
92
00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:47,926
you'll find me Jacobin.
93
00:03:47,962 --> 00:03:51,897
I'm Chris Griffin, and I stil
do some masturbation stuff.
94
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:54,833
? ?
95
00:03:56,270 --> 00:04:00,239
More bad news, Your Majesty:
Paris suffers a bread shortage.
96
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:02,708
Oh, no! What should we do,
Swedish baker?
97
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:04,410
[Swedish accent]
Let them eat cake!
98
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,712
That's perfect,
because France currently
99
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,780
has a dangerous surplus of cake.
100
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:11,950
Marie Antoinette, if you could
tell everyone to get busy
101
00:04:11,986 --> 00:04:14,519
eating cake, that would
famously help things.
102
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:16,022
It won't just piss people off?
103
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:17,556
Nah, they'll love it.
104
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,057
Down with the king!
105
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:21,059
And down with Marie Antoinette!
106
00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:23,062
She's not French,
she's from Austria!
107
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,429
Austria's our rival!
108
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:26,064
[clamoring]
109
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:27,232
Who are you people?
110
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,167
We're a mob of unemployed losers
111
00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:30,569
scapegoating a lady!
112
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,504
That's when good things happen.
113
00:04:32,505 --> 00:04:34,641
To be fair, we're mad at
all the French nobles,
114
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:36,842
except that one super-cool
pointing guy.
115
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:39,911
So rad.
116
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,713
We, the citizens of France,
117
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:44,383
hereby place the king and queen
under arrest.
118
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,018
Let's put 'em in prison!
119
00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:49,021
Yeah! And I'm takin' this magic
Beauty and the Beast clock
120
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,423
that comes to life and sings.
121
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:52,090
It's just a regular clock.
122
00:04:52,091 --> 00:04:53,159
Aww.
123
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,860
-[gasps]
-Regular candlestick.
124
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:55,945
Aww.
125
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,930
[shouting]
126
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:02,234
Welcome, citizens,
to the new revolutionary regime!
127
00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,236
[cheering]
128
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,639
That's right, there's gonna be
some changes in France.
129
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,142
From now on, every time
we say hello to each other,
130
00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:11,476
we will get two little kisses
on the cheek.
131
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,111
Little kisses for everyone!
132
00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:14,580
-All right.
-Should we show them,
133
00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,481
-Robespierre?
-I think they get it.
134
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,319
You were pretty clear. We stand
for freedom and equality-
135
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,653
And we can announce this now,
it is official:
136
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:24,356
there will be a season six
of Emily in Paris.
137
00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:26,125
So give yourselves
a big hand for that.
138
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,959
You did this.
Every one of you.
139
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:31,596
Anyway, freedom and equality
and civil rights for every man.
140
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:33,298
How 'bout rights for women?
141
00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:34,533
Nah, just dudes.
142
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:37,536
[shouting]
143
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:40,405
We hereby sentence
the King and Queen to death.
144
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:41,840
Any final words? Yeah,
145
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:44,076
-and not the cake thing again.
-Then no.
146
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:46,761
Please destroy the oil paintings
under my mattress.
147
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,282
[cheering]
148
00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:53,118
And now for Marie Antoinette.
149
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:54,286
[clanking]
150
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:55,721
What- what happened?
151
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,289
Oh, boy.
152
00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,225
Marie Antoinette's
novelty fake neck
153
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:02,261
was provided by Jacque's Joke
Shop of South Attleboro, France.
154
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:03,528
Got you, guys!
155
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:04,831
Good one, Marie. Remember:
156
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,365
if it ain't "hon-hon-hon,"
157
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,532
it ain't worth Jacque.
158
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,668
Okay, brutally kill her now.
159
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,169
[cheering]
160
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:13,772
Well, that was fun.
But before you all go,
161
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,475
we have a few surprise
bonus executions today!
162
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,477
-The king's gendarme.
-[screams]
163
00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:20,680
That lady who yelled
that thing at the meeting.
164
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,013
-[screams]
-J.K. Rowling,
165
00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:23,683
-'cause you-know-why.
-[screams]
166
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:26,586
This dude Josh, who's the first
guy to post a photo of a beach
167
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,687
and write,
"my office for the day."
168
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,389
-[screams]
-Oh, and Danton.
169
00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:31,890
What?! Aw, you bitch,
170
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,725
I was gonna do this to you.
[yells]
171
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,227
This is awesome!
172
00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:38,230
And the best thing is that it'll
for sure never happen to me.
173
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:41,767
[screams] Uh, I know
I wanted to be "head" of state,
174
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:44,136
but this is-
uhp, my brain's stopping.
175
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,272
I can't believe we did
the whole French Revolution,
176
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:48,507
and not even a single song
from Les Mis.
177
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:51,143
Les Mis is set
during the rebellion of 1832,
178
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,978
not the French Revolution
of 1789.
179
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:54,063
Oh, that's stupid.
180
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:01,953
Damn it, Meg, I told you to
stop taking my jog bras.
181
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,221
-I haven't!
-Well,
182
00:07:03,222 --> 00:07:05,525
they're missing and
there's no other explanation.
183
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:08,293
Look, you both need to
stop counting your bras.
184
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:10,495
It's not important
where they went.
185
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,430
Sometimes families
have conflicts.
186
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,966
But did you know that
at one point in U.S. history,
187
00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:17,670
family members actually
went to war with each other?
188
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,204
What- what is this?
189
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:21,174
It's community service.
He got arrested for something.
190
00:07:21,175 --> 00:07:22,307
What'd you do, Brian?
191
00:07:22,308 --> 00:07:24,377
Let's take our next
historical journey.
192
00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:27,379
I heard he got caught stealing
mobile orders at Starbucks.
193
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:29,881
Does he look like
his name is Rasheed?
194
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:33,351
Uh, our-our historical journey
to the year 1861...
195
00:07:33,387 --> 00:07:37,022
They're gonna remember what
"Rasheed" looks like, Brian.
196
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,723
It was 1861,
197
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:41,393
when America was inaugurating
a new president...
198
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:43,495
I, President Abraham Lincoln,
199
00:07:43,530 --> 00:07:45,463
vow that I will have
an open mind.
200
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,332
The back of my mind,
in particular,
201
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,067
will be very open and exposed.
202
00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:51,303
[Chris]
That's also foreshadowing.
203
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,772
Brian said I could
keep helping out.
204
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:54,440
I'm grateful
that you elected me.
205
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,242
And right away,
I want to apologize
206
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:57,642
for my mentally ill wife.
207
00:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,277
What the hell?!
208
00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,780
My nickname will be
"Honest About Everything
209
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,348
Except That One Thing Abe."
210
00:08:03,349 --> 00:08:05,418
That, or
"Nine-and-a-Half-Inch Abe,"
211
00:08:05,419 --> 00:08:07,253
-you can call me either one.
-[Lois] Yeah, right!
212
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,454
She's loony, guys.
Absolutely deranged.
213
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:12,724
Anyway, I predict that America's
got good times ahead,
214
00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:14,861
so long as our map doesn't
have a bunch of arrows
215
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,027
and explosions.
216
00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:17,697
[Wild West]
But America did have a bunch
217
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,598
of arrows and explosions,
218
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:22,267
and narrations
by voices like this.
219
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:24,436
Also slow fiddle music,
220
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:26,104
which I have to play myself,
221
00:08:26,105 --> 00:08:27,807
'cause we blew our whole
music budget
222
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:29,708
on the "Moulin Rouge" stuff.
223
00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:32,077
[fiddle plays poorly]
224
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,279
I did this on
America's Got Talent,
225
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:37,983
and Howie Mandel made
wise cracks at my expense.
226
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,385
Anyway, war had come,
227
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:44,256
and six-hundred thousand brae
mustaches would be lost,
228
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:47,158
as brother marched off
to fight brother.
229
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:50,161
? ?
230
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,964
Hey, so, the uniforms
came in the mail, and...
231
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,833
-they sent one of each.
-Weird.
232
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:56,802
Yeah, the gray ones
are from Louis Vuitton,
233
00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:59,638
and the blue ones
are from TJ Maxx, so...
234
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,273
That's fine, I'll be Union.
235
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,808
Cool, I like the gray
'cause it matches
236
00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:04,442
all the dead guys everywhere.
237
00:09:04,478 --> 00:09:07,712
Wish me luck, I'm off to fight
the Battle of Bull Run.
238
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:10,882
So that sucked.
Ah, well, the good news is
239
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,317
I'm stayin' at Bull Run,
240
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:15,302
and there's no way there'll be
a whole second battle there.
241
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,056
You're not gonna freakin'
believe it.
242
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:21,059
? ?
243
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,995
The arrows and explosions
are getting closer to D.C.!
244
00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:25,932
We're not gonna be able
to save the Union!
245
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:28,400
Maybe instead of fighting
to save the Union,
246
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,069
we should be fighting to end
the evils of slavery
247
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,271
and ensure freedom
for all Americans.
248
00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:34,640
All right, I'm putting you
in a home.
249
00:09:34,641 --> 00:09:36,274
This is why I sleep with guys.
250
00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:38,143
I too believe the aim of the war
251
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:41,047
should be to free the slaves
and make all Americans equal.
252
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:43,149
Thank you, Frederick Douglass.
You're right.
253
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:44,549
Black men should be free.
254
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,351
That's what I'm talkin' about!
255
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:48,421
And sent up to the
front line as soldiers.
256
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:49,621
Say what, now?
257
00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:51,023
Don't worry,
you're in good hands
258
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,624
with General Ulysses S. Grant,
259
00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:55,193
America's most
strategically gifted alcoholic.
260
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:58,163
The- the South
keeps lookin' at me.
261
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:01,866
I swear to God, if the South
looks at me one more time,
262
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,034
I'm goin' down there...
263
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:04,502
No, no- no, no, be cool, man.
264
00:10:04,503 --> 00:10:06,339
You think you're better
than me, South?!
265
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:07,974
Be cool. Be cool.
We gotta concentrate
266
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,708
on our most important objective:
267
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:12,110
protecting
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.
268
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:14,612
Isn't Gettysburg
just fields and fenceposts?
269
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,782
Gettysburg is a cultural
and economic metropolis!
270
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:20,218
Sacrifice every last man,
if necessary,
271
00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:22,187
to protect Gettysburg, P.A.!
272
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,889
But Seward's right.
Gettysburg sucks.
273
00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:27,360
"If you can make it there,
you'll make it anywhere:
274
00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:28,626
Gettysburg."
275
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,362
Everyone must die to save it.
276
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,898
There's literally, like,
eight people in the whole town-
277
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,266
We're not gonna
argue this further!
278
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,535
I'm late for my cuddle-nap
with Joshua Speed,
279
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:38,586
who everyone should go ahead
and Google.
280
00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:41,072
-This is fine.
-It's fine.
281
00:10:41,073 --> 00:10:43,075
I just can't afford
my own mattress, is all.
282
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:47,078
Mattresses cost like a billion
dollars 'cause it's olden times.
283
00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:49,047
? ?
284
00:10:49,830 --> 00:10:54,387
This conflict keeps
draggin' on, am I right?
285
00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:56,421
I tell ya, you put
the Civil War on ABC,
286
00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:57,990
it'll be canceled
in thirteen weeks.
287
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,291
[Wild West]
Now, that Confederate recruit
288
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,393
we saw earlier?
289
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,528
He went on to be a stage actor
290
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:07,198
based in D.C.,
so clearly his career sucked.
291
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,834
But then he booked
the Gettysburg Cemetery gig.
292
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:13,538
Finally, a big break
for John Wilkes Booth.
293
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,273
Civil War Saves Seventy Slaves.
294
00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:17,410
Civil War Saves Seventy Slaves.
Civil War-
295
00:11:17,411 --> 00:11:18,877
Excuse me, Mr. Booth?
296
00:11:18,878 --> 00:11:21,047
Hi, yes, that is how
I'm listed in the program,
297
00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:22,815
but I was hoping
to use my full name:
298
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:24,916
John Wilkes Booth Romijn-Stamos.
299
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:27,052
Yeah, well, sorry
but we're bumping you.
300
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,253
What?! Why?
301
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,755
President Lincoln
just showed up.
302
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:31,756
He wants to workshop
some new material.
303
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,024
[growls]
304
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,927
Okay, so, "Four score
and seven years ago-"
305
00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:37,663
Wait, wait, wha-
what's that mean?
306
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:38,963
A score is twenty years.
307
00:11:38,964 --> 00:11:40,599
So just say eighty-seven
years ago.
308
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:41,800
Yeah, I like it this way.
309
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:43,836
You're gonna lose everybody
from the first line!
310
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,304
They're all doing math
in their heads.
311
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,638
-It's fine.
-It's not fine.
312
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,941
You're here to boost morale,
this is like the opposite.
313
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,342
You're giving 'em
algebra homework.
314
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:51,443
Here, try this.
315
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:52,944
"Sorry I got here late.
316
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:55,146
I couldn't find
the Gettysburg Address."
317
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,082
[laughing loudly]
318
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,316
Yeah, I-I don't know.
319
00:11:58,317 --> 00:11:59,452
Oh, come on, it's perfect!
320
00:11:59,453 --> 00:12:01,653
Open with a huge joke, boom,
now you got 'em.
321
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,088
Hey! Hey, bub!
322
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:04,690
You can't just go
bumping people!
323
00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:06,492
I-I don't know what
you're talking about.
324
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,694
Forget him, he's just
some butt-hurt actor.
325
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:10,596
Look, whatever this is about,
I'm-I'm sorry.
326
00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:12,631
I respect actors. How 'bout
you give me a headshot?
327
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:13,998
[Chris]
Foreshadowing.
328
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:16,469
[Bob Hope] Now, let's have
a big hand for Abe Lincoln!
329
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:17,603
[Peter]
Thanks, Bob!
330
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,105
[Bob Hope]
Now I understand Mary Todd's
331
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,539
here today,
'cause we all know
332
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,441
Lincoln doesn't go anywhere
without his beard.
333
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:23,975
-[Peter] Oh, Bob!
-[growls]
334
00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:26,644
[Wild West]
Finally, in 1865,
335
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,447
the Southern capital
of Richmond fell.
336
00:12:29,483 --> 00:12:31,983
War's over, Grant.
You gotta go to Appomattox
337
00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:33,519
and meet the Southern leader.
You know the guy?
338
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:34,819
General Lee.
339
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:36,288
All right, do some research
on him first.
340
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,157
Oh, I know the guy backwards
and forwards.
341
00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,592
-General Lee.
-Right, but I need you
342
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,827
-to know him specifically.
-I do know him specifically.
343
00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:43,496
-General Lee.
-I- look, you know the guy?
344
00:12:43,497 --> 00:12:44,830
-Yep.
-You know him generally?
345
00:12:44,831 --> 00:12:46,098
-Yep.
-You got to know him
346
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,600
-more than generally.
-Know who more than General Lee?
347
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,535
The Southern leader.
The guy you know generally.
348
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,437
That's right. I do know him,
very well. General Lee.
349
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,405
-I- that's the problem!
-What's the problem?
350
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:54,507
You say you know him generally-
351
00:12:54,508 --> 00:12:55,707
-I do.
-I need you
352
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:56,742
to be an expert on the guy!
353
00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:57,842
I am an expert on him.
354
00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:59,078
-But you just-
-I'm friends with the guy!
355
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:00,579
We fought in the Mexican War
together!
356
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:01,813
I studied his every move.
357
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:03,115
There is no one on the planet
358
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,283
who knows him better than I do.
359
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,550
Okay, just to be sure:
360
00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:07,353
you are an expert on
the Southern leader.
361
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,187
Completely. Totally. Absolutely.
362
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,489
-General Lee.
-Bu- d'ah- you- wha- d'ah...
363
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,893
[Wild West] In our nation,
it was a difficult time
364
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:17,495
politically.
But a simpler time comedically.
365
00:13:17,531 --> 00:13:20,732
The fighting was done,
and no more would Americans
366
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:24,969
wage civil war
until 2028, probably.
367
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:27,572
But this story ends
on a theater balcony
368
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:30,208
with Abraham
and Mary Todd Lincoln.
369
00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:32,444
Hey, how 'bout you just go
by "Mary Lincoln," huh?
370
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,045
But Todd is my family name.
371
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,014
I-I keep it
to honor my heritage.
372
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,883
Demented. Somebody call
the man with the big net.
373
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,519
That's the latest
in mental health technology.
374
00:13:41,555 --> 00:13:43,354
? ?
375
00:13:43,408 --> 00:13:45,457
[gasps]
376
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:46,725
[Wild West]
Lincoln was dead.
377
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:48,227
And Booth would shout the motto
378
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,695
that has become
etched in history.
379
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:52,297
Did I do that?
380
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,132
[laughter]
381
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:55,768
[TV Announcer] Lincoln's
assassination was filmed
382
00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:57,519
in front of a live
studio audience.
383
00:13:59,182 --> 00:14:03,459
Hey, did you guys notice that
the final Dilbert
384
00:14:03,460 --> 00:14:05,327
is just Dilbert checking
people's genitals
385
00:14:05,328 --> 00:14:06,928
outside the ladies' restroom?
386
00:14:06,963 --> 00:14:08,796
[giggles] Office stuff.
387
00:14:08,832 --> 00:14:10,532
Ah, Peter's enjoying a joke.
388
00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:11,947
Well, here's a joke for you:
389
00:14:11,968 --> 00:14:14,335
six million Jews,
gypsies, communists,
390
00:14:14,371 --> 00:14:16,738
and intellectuals are loaded
onto a train car...
391
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:19,407
Only this joke
actually happened.
392
00:14:19,442 --> 00:14:20,675
How is that a joke?
393
00:14:20,676 --> 00:14:22,278
He's doing his
community service.
394
00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:24,813
He attacked one of them
grocery robots or something.
395
00:14:24,814 --> 00:14:28,750
The year is 1939,
and war has come to Europe.
396
00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:31,519
[Wild West] Welp, the arrows
and explosions are back.
397
00:14:31,555 --> 00:14:34,956
Also, I'm back, on account of
I've been getting a lot better
398
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:36,659
on the fiddle since
the last time.
399
00:14:36,660 --> 00:14:37,959
[fiddle plays]
400
00:14:37,994 --> 00:14:39,561
Not bad, right?
401
00:14:39,562 --> 00:14:42,464
You'd be surprised how much
fiddle you can learn on YouTube.
402
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:44,933
[man]
Hey, play Mumford & Sons!
403
00:14:44,934 --> 00:14:46,769
[Wild West]
I'm not playing that [bleep].
404
00:14:46,770 --> 00:14:49,270
Pretty soon, the Brits
were forced to seek cover
405
00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:52,440
in their subway system,
what they called "the Tube."
406
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:55,643
Eating french fries. Of course,
they called 'em "chips."
407
00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:57,145
Truck is a "lorry."
408
00:14:57,180 --> 00:14:59,080
Let's see, what else?
409
00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:00,615
Weird little country.
410
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:03,618
Hello, Franklin? President
Roosevelt, can you hear me?
411
00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:06,020
Churchill! How's things
in England? Good?
412
00:15:06,021 --> 00:15:08,991
No, it's awful! We're getting
bombed by the Nazis over here.
413
00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:11,560
They're blitzkrieging through
Europe, they took Paris-
414
00:15:11,561 --> 00:15:14,963
Oh, no, not Paris! Please tell
me the pointing guy is okay.
415
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:17,332
I love that guy.
416
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,934
Yeah, can you help us out,
Franklin?
417
00:15:18,935 --> 00:15:20,769
Eh, you caught me
at a bad time, Churchill.
418
00:15:20,770 --> 00:15:23,438
It's me and Eleanor's
date night.
419
00:15:23,473 --> 00:15:24,973
Eleanor, where are you going?
420
00:15:24,974 --> 00:15:26,775
Me and the girls are gonna
go play lacrosse
421
00:15:26,776 --> 00:15:29,844
and then just jab
our thumbs wherever.
422
00:15:29,879 --> 00:15:32,313
[chuckles]
That Eleanor sure loves
423
00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:34,182
hanging out with her lady pals.
424
00:15:34,217 --> 00:15:36,784
? ?
425
00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:38,252
FDR may not help us.
426
00:15:38,288 --> 00:15:40,755
And I heard Russia is
signing a pact with Hitler.
427
00:15:40,790 --> 00:15:43,625
So, as my top general,
I need you to go to Moscow,
428
00:15:43,626 --> 00:15:45,928
find their leader and
figure out how to prevent this.
429
00:15:45,929 --> 00:15:48,396
Don't worry, sir, I will.
And I'll stop Stalin.
430
00:15:48,397 --> 00:15:50,532
Great. I'm glad you're
not delaying your departure,
431
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,001
but do you have a plan
for when you get there?
432
00:15:52,002 --> 00:15:53,335
-Absolutely, sir.
-And what is it?
433
00:15:53,336 --> 00:15:55,403
-To stop Stalin.
-How is that a plan?
434
00:15:55,404 --> 00:15:56,739
I thought you wanted me
to stop Stalin.
435
00:15:56,740 --> 00:15:58,407
Of course I want you
to stop stallin'.
436
00:15:58,408 --> 00:15:59,908
This is a grave
and important matter.
437
00:15:59,909 --> 00:16:01,243
So then we do agree on the plan.
438
00:16:01,244 --> 00:16:02,744
-Which is?
-To stop Stalin.
439
00:16:02,779 --> 00:16:05,413
Bu- d'ah- you- wha- d'ah...
440
00:16:05,448 --> 00:16:09,517
[Wild West] Comedically, World
War II was also a simpler tim.
441
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,386
Turns out, America's efforts
442
00:16:11,421 --> 00:16:13,588
to stay out of the fracas
came to naught
443
00:16:13,623 --> 00:16:16,124
once the Japanese
attacked Pearl Harbor.
444
00:16:16,159 --> 00:16:20,328
"December 7, 1941: a date
that I probably knew was coming
445
00:16:20,363 --> 00:16:21,663
but allowed to hap-"
446
00:16:21,698 --> 00:16:24,232
I mean, "A date which
will live in infamy.
447
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:25,733
The United States of-"
448
00:16:25,769 --> 00:16:27,702
[women clamoring]
449
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,303
What- what's going on?
450
00:16:29,304 --> 00:16:30,506
It's your wife and her friends.
451
00:16:30,507 --> 00:16:32,907
They're arguing over
power tool brands again.
452
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:34,576
-[Woman] DeWalt!
-[Woman #2] Ryobi!
453
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:37,478
Girls and their construction
equipment, huh?
454
00:16:37,479 --> 00:16:39,782
Eleanor? Could you ladies
please keep it down
455
00:16:39,783 --> 00:16:41,683
while I'm doing radio
to America?
456
00:16:41,718 --> 00:16:43,851
-This is fine.
-It's fine.
457
00:16:43,852 --> 00:16:45,721
Lots of First Ladies
have their gal pals
458
00:16:45,722 --> 00:16:48,390
move into the White House
with them, which I did for real.
459
00:16:48,391 --> 00:16:50,792
-Super-normal.
-Ryobi.
460
00:16:50,827 --> 00:16:53,294
? ?
461
00:16:53,329 --> 00:16:56,039
Gentlemen, we're here to plan
an amphibious assault
462
00:16:56,066 --> 00:16:57,116
on Normandy.
463
00:16:57,133 --> 00:16:58,933
"Stay on target."
464
00:16:58,968 --> 00:17:00,868
"Almost there."
465
00:17:00,904 --> 00:17:02,804
"Stay on target."
466
00:17:02,805 --> 00:17:05,240
"Private Ryan, you've switched
off your targeting computer.
467
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:06,374
What's wrong?"
468
00:17:06,409 --> 00:17:08,910
[Joe]
"Use the force, Matt Damon."
469
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:10,912
Cut it out, guys.
This is important.
470
00:17:10,913 --> 00:17:12,815
Oh, yeah, totally.
Okay, first question.
471
00:17:12,816 --> 00:17:14,248
-Yeah?
-Is there toilets
472
00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:16,784
inside of tanks?
I mean, there has to be, right?
473
00:17:16,820 --> 00:17:19,754
They're not gonna stop the war
just to let a guy take a crap.
474
00:17:19,755 --> 00:17:21,590
I think they just go right
in the barrel.
475
00:17:21,591 --> 00:17:23,858
And then the next shot is,
like, a poopy shot.
476
00:17:23,859 --> 00:17:24,927
Can we please focus?
477
00:17:24,928 --> 00:17:26,829
We're focusing.
We are laser-focused
478
00:17:26,830 --> 00:17:29,197
on planning for... "D'Day."
479
00:17:29,232 --> 00:17:31,365
I think we're calling it D-Day.
480
00:17:31,401 --> 00:17:33,901
Oh, okay, see,
I'm already learning stuff.
481
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:03,000
[muffled shouting
in German continues]
482
00:19:12,468 --> 00:19:14,402
[Wild West]
FDR beat the Germans,
483
00:19:14,437 --> 00:19:17,104
but he wouldn't live to see
victory in the Pacific.
484
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:20,241
For that, the torch was passd
to Harry Truman.
485
00:19:20,276 --> 00:19:23,411
Listen, Harry,
Hirohito wants to surrender.
486
00:19:23,446 --> 00:19:25,847
It's time to go
make peace with Japan.
487
00:19:25,882 --> 00:19:28,216
Got it. Go to Japan
and nuke Hiroshima.
488
00:19:28,217 --> 00:19:30,419
No, no, no, no!
They're ready to surrender!
489
00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,420
You need to make peace
with Japan.
490
00:19:32,455 --> 00:19:33,688
-Okay.
-Good,
491
00:19:33,723 --> 00:19:35,022
now repeat it back to me.
492
00:19:35,058 --> 00:19:37,658
Okay, I nuke the city
of Hiroshima in Japan.
493
00:19:37,694 --> 00:19:39,594
No! Japan wants to surrender!
494
00:19:39,629 --> 00:19:41,162
Make peace with Japan!
495
00:19:41,197 --> 00:19:42,517
Right, and nuke Hiroshima.
496
00:19:42,532 --> 00:19:44,065
No, no, no, no!
497
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,566
[Wild West]
And et cetera.
498
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:47,235
Due to wartime rationing,
499
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:51,272
we've had to keep reusing
our Pat Tillman bit from 200.
500
00:19:51,307 --> 00:19:53,341
Thanks for doing your part
to make sure
501
00:19:53,376 --> 00:19:57,044
all the fresh new jokes are
saved for our troops oversea.
502
00:19:58,147 --> 00:20:00,314
Eventually, Japan did surrender.
503
00:20:00,350 --> 00:20:02,316
Don't worry too much about why-
504
00:20:02,352 --> 00:20:03,951
the war was over.
505
00:20:03,987 --> 00:20:06,787
At last, America could celebrate
506
00:20:06,823 --> 00:20:09,724
with lots of non-consensual
kissing.
507
00:20:09,759 --> 00:20:12,059
Don't worry, your husband'll
never find out.
508
00:20:14,097 --> 00:20:17,632
Lunch with the girls, huh?
Susan, probably!
509
00:20:20,176 --> 00:20:25,107
Well, that does it
for today's history adventure.
510
00:20:25,108 --> 00:20:27,442
I hope you have a new
appreciation for the joys,
511
00:20:27,443 --> 00:20:31,445
follies, and heartaches that
comprise our shared human story.
512
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:33,247
Also, you might receive an email
513
00:20:33,248 --> 00:20:34,983
from the Quahog
County Courthouse,
514
00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:36,684
confirming that I provided
515
00:20:36,685 --> 00:20:38,520
"Volunteer Educational
Services."
516
00:20:38,521 --> 00:20:40,188
If you could just go ahead
and click the link
517
00:20:40,189 --> 00:20:43,079
and fill out the short webform,
I'd really appreciate it.
518
00:20:44,294 --> 00:20:47,962
[sighs] So, turns out you can
legally buy Jenna Ortega
519
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,797
as many new bedsheets
as you want,
520
00:20:49,798 --> 00:20:51,700
you just can't deliver them
in person.
521
00:20:51,701 --> 00:20:53,834
So we all learned something
this week.
522
00:20:53,870 --> 00:20:55,970
Sleep tight, Jenna.
523
00:20:56,020 --> 00:21:00,570
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