Original subtitles

? It seems today that all you see ?

? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?

? But where are those good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?

Hello, tech support? Yes, my time machine

is giving me error code seventeen.

No, I did not "make love to a bear on it."

Shh! But if some bear did have his world rocked

on this thing, would that void the warranty?

Oh, boy, time machine trouble?

You know, there's one time machine that never breaks,

and is always ready to take you anywhere, anytime: a good book.

Uch. Sorry, my dog is very cringe.

I'm Brian Griffin, and tonight we'll take my "time machine"

to three periods in history.

I don't know. I think he's doing, like,

court-ordered community service.

Let's start with the story of the French Revolution.

The year was 1789.

King Louis XVI and his wife, Marie Antoinette,

were throwing "Moulin Rouge" parties,

many of which devolved into orgies,

covering the walls with "yicky-yicky ya-ya ja-ja."

-["Lady Marmalade" playing] -More songs per minute!

Louder songs! Everyone must get a Baz Luhrmann headache!

Yes, Your Majesty.

God, I love French dancing.

If there's anything hotter than women standing in a line

and kicking their legs up really high, I haven't seen it.

Bad news, King Louis: France is in massive debt.

-What?! -Well, just the music clearances

on these Baz Luhrmann sequences alone

are bankrupting the monarchy.

Oh, dear. But our hardworking French laborers

are already working up to four hours per week,

with only winter and summer off.

Can nothing be done?

I think we should levy a tax on the peasantry.

No, no taxes.

We could always cancel your VouzTube Premium account

and you can just watch regular VouzTube, with the ads.

Let's do the taxes.

? ?

Man, things sure are getting bad here in France.

You said it. I even got laid off

from my job pitchforking loose hay here

and moving it to there.

The whole French economy is based on

slightly moving loose hay.

Bad news, guys. I'm here to collect some taxes.

What?!

The king is levying a land tax and a head tax.

A head tax? But that could be thousands!

Also, now there's a salt tax.

But the head tax ends in something

for which there'd be a salt tax!

[all booing]

I say, Robespierre,

there's a lot of unrest brewing here in France.

You're right, Danton.

We should take advantage and foment a revolution.

-For the people. -Oh, yeah, no, for the people,

and-and definitely not for our own personal advancement,

to where we go nuts with power and chop off everybody's heads

and eventually even each other's.

Yeah-yeah, no-no... yeah, for the- for the people.

[Chris] Remember that for later, for it is foreshadowing.

I'm Chris Griffin, and I dont only do masturbation stuff.

? ?

Citizens of France, we need a revolution!

That's right! King Louis has destroyed the French economy!

Also, it'll be another couple hundred years

before the Arab immigrants show up,

but let's start getting angry about that now!

[clamoring]

These guys are making a lot of sense!

We do need a revolution!

Yeah! I can't wait for the new symbol of France

to be a woman with her boob hanging out.

I call dibs on waving a flag on a barricade.

I'm kind of a barricade guy.

The time has come to join our revolutionary club:

the Jacobins!

Can I join your Jacobin club?

'Cause I'm just constantly Jacobin.

I mean, at least four or five times a day,

you'll find me Jacobin.

I'm Chris Griffin, and I stil do some masturbation stuff.

? ?

More bad news, Your Majesty: Paris suffers a bread shortage.

Oh, no! What should we do, Swedish baker?

[Swedish accent] Let them eat cake!

That's perfect, because France currently

has a dangerous surplus of cake.

Marie Antoinette, if you could tell everyone to get busy

eating cake, that would famously help things.

It won't just piss people off?

Nah, they'll love it.

Down with the king!

And down with Marie Antoinette!

She's not French, she's from Austria!

Austria's our rival!

[clamoring]

Who are you people?

We're a mob of unemployed losers

scapegoating a lady!

That's when good things happen.

To be fair, we're mad at all the French nobles,

except that one super-cool pointing guy.

So rad.

We, the citizens of France,

hereby place the king and queen under arrest.

Let's put 'em in prison!

Yeah! And I'm takin' this magic Beauty and the Beast clock

that comes to life and sings.

It's just a regular clock.

Aww.

-[gasps] -Regular candlestick.

Aww.

[shouting]

Welcome, citizens, to the new revolutionary regime!

[cheering]

That's right, there's gonna be some changes in France.

From now on, every time we say hello to each other,

we will get two little kisses on the cheek.

Little kisses for everyone!

-All right. -Should we show them,

-Robespierre? -I think they get it.

You were pretty clear. We stand for freedom and equality-

And we can announce this now, it is official:

there will be a season six of Emily in Paris.

So give yourselves a big hand for that.

You did this. Every one of you.

Anyway, freedom and equality and civil rights for every man.

How 'bout rights for women?

Nah, just dudes.

[shouting]

We hereby sentence the King and Queen to death.

Any final words? Yeah,

-and not the cake thing again. -Then no.

Please destroy the oil paintings under my mattress.

[cheering]

And now for Marie Antoinette.

[clanking]

What- what happened?

Oh, boy.

Marie Antoinette's novelty fake neck

was provided by Jacque's Joke Shop of South Attleboro, France.

Got you, guys!

Good one, Marie. Remember:

if it ain't "hon-hon-hon,"

it ain't worth Jacque.

Okay, brutally kill her now.

[cheering]

Well, that was fun. But before you all go,

we have a few surprise bonus executions today!

-The king's gendarme. -[screams]

That lady who yelled that thing at the meeting.

-[screams] -J.K. Rowling,

-'cause you-know-why. -[screams]

This dude Josh, who's the first guy to post a photo of a beach

and write, "my office for the day."

-[screams] -Oh, and Danton.

What?! Aw, you bitch,

I was gonna do this to you. [yells]

This is awesome!

And the best thing is that it'll for sure never happen to me.

[screams] Uh, I know I wanted to be "head" of state,

but this is- uhp, my brain's stopping.

I can't believe we did the whole French Revolution,

and not even a single song from Les Mis.

Les Mis is set during the rebellion of 1832,

not the French Revolution of 1789.

Oh, that's stupid.

Damn it, Meg, I told you to stop taking my jog bras.

-I haven't! -Well,

they're missing and there's no other explanation.

Look, you both need to stop counting your bras.

It's not important where they went.

Sometimes families have conflicts.

But did you know that at one point in U.S. history,

family members actually went to war with each other?

What- what is this?

It's community service. He got arrested for something.

What'd you do, Brian?

Let's take our next historical journey.

I heard he got caught stealing mobile orders at Starbucks.

Does he look like his name is Rasheed?

Uh, our-our historical journey to the year 1861...

They're gonna remember what "Rasheed" looks like, Brian.

It was 1861,

when America was inaugurating a new president...

I, President Abraham Lincoln,

vow that I will have an open mind.

The back of my mind, in particular,

will be very open and exposed.

[Chris] That's also foreshadowing.

Brian said I could keep helping out.

I'm grateful that you elected me.

And right away, I want to apologize

for my mentally ill wife.

What the hell?!

My nickname will be "Honest About Everything

Except That One Thing Abe."

That, or "Nine-and-a-Half-Inch Abe,"

-you can call me either one. -[Lois] Yeah, right!

She's loony, guys. Absolutely deranged.

Anyway, I predict that America's got good times ahead,

so long as our map doesn't have a bunch of arrows

and explosions.

[Wild West] But America did have a bunch

of arrows and explosions,

and narrations by voices like this.

Also slow fiddle music,

which I have to play myself,

'cause we blew our whole music budget

on the "Moulin Rouge" stuff.

[fiddle plays poorly]

I did this on America's Got Talent,

and Howie Mandel made wise cracks at my expense.

Anyway, war had come,

and six-hundred thousand brae mustaches would be lost,

as brother marched off to fight brother.

? ?

Hey, so, the uniforms came in the mail, and...

-they sent one of each. -Weird.

Yeah, the gray ones are from Louis Vuitton,

and the blue ones are from TJ Maxx, so...

That's fine, I'll be Union.

Cool, I like the gray 'cause it matches

all the dead guys everywhere.

Wish me luck, I'm off to fight the Battle of Bull Run.

So that sucked. Ah, well, the good news is

I'm stayin' at Bull Run,

and there's no way there'll be a whole second battle there.

You're not gonna freakin' believe it.

? ?

The arrows and explosions are getting closer to D.C.!

We're not gonna be able to save the Union!

Maybe instead of fighting to save the Union,

we should be fighting to end the evils of slavery

and ensure freedom for all Americans.

All right, I'm putting you in a home.

This is why I sleep with guys.

I too believe the aim of the war

should be to free the slaves and make all Americans equal.

Thank you, Frederick Douglass. You're right.

Black men should be free.

That's what I'm talkin' about!

And sent up to the front line as soldiers.

Say what, now?

Don't worry, you're in good hands

with General Ulysses S. Grant,

America's most strategically gifted alcoholic.

The- the South keeps lookin' at me.

I swear to God, if the South looks at me one more time,

I'm goin' down there...

No, no- no, no, be cool, man.

You think you're better than me, South?!

Be cool. Be cool. We gotta concentrate

on our most important objective:

protecting Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

Isn't Gettysburg just fields and fenceposts?

Gettysburg is a cultural and economic metropolis!

Sacrifice every last man, if necessary,

to protect Gettysburg, P.A.!

But Seward's right. Gettysburg sucks.

"If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere:

Gettysburg."

Everyone must die to save it.

There's literally, like, eight people in the whole town-

We're not gonna argue this further!

I'm late for my cuddle-nap with Joshua Speed,

who everyone should go ahead and Google.

-This is fine. -It's fine.

I just can't afford my own mattress, is all.

Mattresses cost like a billion dollars 'cause it's olden times.

? ?

This conflict keeps draggin' on, am I right?

I tell ya, you put the Civil War on ABC,

it'll be canceled in thirteen weeks.

[Wild West] Now, that Confederate recruit

we saw earlier?

He went on to be a stage actor

based in D.C., so clearly his career sucked.

But then he booked the Gettysburg Cemetery gig.

Finally, a big break for John Wilkes Booth.

Civil War Saves Seventy Slaves.

Civil War Saves Seventy Slaves. Civil War-

Excuse me, Mr. Booth?

Hi, yes, that is how I'm listed in the program,

but I was hoping to use my full name:

John Wilkes Booth Romijn-Stamos.

Yeah, well, sorry but we're bumping you.

What?! Why?

President Lincoln just showed up.

He wants to workshop some new material.

[growls]

Okay, so, "Four score and seven years ago-"

Wait, wait, wha- what's that mean?

A score is twenty years.

So just say eighty-seven years ago.

Yeah, I like it this way.

You're gonna lose everybody from the first line!

They're all doing math in their heads.

-It's fine. -It's not fine.

You're here to boost morale, this is like the opposite.

You're giving 'em algebra homework.

Here, try this.

"Sorry I got here late.

I couldn't find the Gettysburg Address."

[laughing loudly]

Yeah, I-I don't know.

Oh, come on, it's perfect!

Open with a huge joke, boom, now you got 'em.

Hey! Hey, bub!

You can't just go bumping people!

I-I don't know what you're talking about.

Forget him, he's just some butt-hurt actor.

Look, whatever this is about, I'm-I'm sorry.

I respect actors. How 'bout you give me a headshot?

[Chris] Foreshadowing.

[Bob Hope] Now, let's have a big hand for Abe Lincoln!

[Peter] Thanks, Bob!

[Bob Hope] Now I understand Mary Todd's

here today, 'cause we all know

Lincoln doesn't go anywhere without his beard.

-[Peter] Oh, Bob! -[growls]

[Wild West] Finally, in 1865,

the Southern capital of Richmond fell.

War's over, Grant. You gotta go to Appomattox

and meet the Southern leader. You know the guy?

General Lee.

All right, do some research on him first.

Oh, I know the guy backwards and forwards.

-General Lee. -Right, but I need you

-to know him specifically. -I do know him specifically.

-General Lee. -I- look, you know the guy?

-Yep. -You know him generally?

-Yep. -You got to know him

-more than generally. -Know who more than General Lee?

The Southern leader. The guy you know generally.

That's right. I do know him, very well. General Lee.

-I- that's the problem! -What's the problem?

You say you know him generally-

-I do. -I need you

to be an expert on the guy!

I am an expert on him.

-But you just- -I'm friends with the guy!

We fought in the Mexican War together!

I studied his every move.

There is no one on the planet

who knows him better than I do.

Okay, just to be sure:

you are an expert on the Southern leader.

Completely. Totally. Absolutely.

-General Lee. -Bu- d'ah- you- wha- d'ah...

[Wild West] In our nation, it was a difficult time

politically. But a simpler time comedically.

The fighting was done, and no more would Americans

wage civil war until 2028, probably.

But this story ends on a theater balcony

with Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln.

Hey, how 'bout you just go by "Mary Lincoln," huh?

But Todd is my family name.

I-I keep it to honor my heritage.

Demented. Somebody call the man with the big net.

That's the latest in mental health technology.

? ?

[gasps]

[Wild West] Lincoln was dead.

And Booth would shout the motto

that has become etched in history.

Did I do that?

[laughter]

[TV Announcer] Lincoln's assassination was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, did you guys notice that the final Dilbert

is just Dilbert checking people's genitals

outside the ladies' restroom?

[giggles] Office stuff.

Ah, Peter's enjoying a joke.

Well, here's a joke for you:

six million Jews, gypsies, communists,

and intellectuals are loaded onto a train car...

Only this joke actually happened.

How is that a joke?

He's doing his community service.

He attacked one of them grocery robots or something.

The year is 1939, and war has come to Europe.

[Wild West] Welp, the arrows and explosions are back.

Also, I'm back, on account of I've been getting a lot better

on the fiddle since the last time.

[fiddle plays]

Not bad, right?

You'd be surprised how much fiddle you can learn on YouTube.

[man] Hey, play Mumford & Sons!

[Wild West] I'm not playing that [bleep].

Pretty soon, the Brits were forced to seek cover

in their subway system, what they called "the Tube."

Eating french fries. Of course, they called 'em "chips."

Truck is a "lorry."

Let's see, what else?

Weird little country.

Hello, Franklin? President Roosevelt, can you hear me?

Churchill! How's things in England? Good?

No, it's awful! We're getting bombed by the Nazis over here.

They're blitzkrieging through Europe, they took Paris-

Oh, no, not Paris! Please tell me the pointing guy is okay.

I love that guy.

Yeah, can you help us out, Franklin?

Eh, you caught me at a bad time, Churchill.

It's me and Eleanor's date night.

Eleanor, where are you going?

Me and the girls are gonna go play lacrosse

and then just jab our thumbs wherever.

[chuckles] That Eleanor sure loves

hanging out with her lady pals.

? ?

FDR may not help us.

And I heard Russia is signing a pact with Hitler.

So, as my top general, I need you to go to Moscow,

find their leader and figure out how to prevent this.

Don't worry, sir, I will. And I'll stop Stalin.

Great. I'm glad you're not delaying your departure,

but do you have a plan for when you get there?

-Absolutely, sir. -And what is it?

-To stop Stalin. -How is that a plan?

I thought you wanted me to stop Stalin.

Of course I want you to stop stallin'.

This is a grave and important matter.

So then we do agree on the plan.

-Which is? -To stop Stalin.

Bu- d'ah- you- wha- d'ah...

[Wild West] Comedically, World War II was also a simpler tim.

Turns out, America's efforts

to stay out of the fracas came to naught

once the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.

"December 7, 1941: a date that I probably knew was coming

but allowed to hap-"

I mean, "A date which will live in infamy.

The United States of-"

[women clamoring]

What- what's going on?

It's your wife and her friends.

They're arguing over power tool brands again.

-[Woman] DeWalt! -[Woman #2] Ryobi!

Girls and their construction equipment, huh?

Eleanor? Could you ladies please keep it down

while I'm doing radio to America?

-This is fine. -It's fine.

Lots of First Ladies have their gal pals

move into the White House with them, which I did for real.

-Super-normal. -Ryobi.

? ?

Gentlemen, we're here to plan an amphibious assault

on Normandy.

"Stay on target."

"Almost there."

"Stay on target."

"Private Ryan, you've switched off your targeting computer.

What's wrong?"

[Joe] "Use the force, Matt Damon."

Cut it out, guys. This is important.

Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, first question.

-Yeah? -Is there toilets

inside of tanks? I mean, there has to be, right?

They're not gonna stop the war just to let a guy take a crap.

I think they just go right in the barrel.

And then the next shot is, like, a poopy shot.

Can we please focus?

We're focusing. We are laser-focused

on planning for... "D'Day."

I think we're calling it D-Day.

Oh, okay, see, I'm already learning stuff.

[muffled shouting in German continues]

[Wild West] FDR beat the Germans,

but he wouldn't live to see victory in the Pacific.

For that, the torch was passd to Harry Truman.

Listen, Harry, Hirohito wants to surrender.

It's time to go make peace with Japan.

Got it. Go to Japan and nuke Hiroshima.

No, no, no, no! They're ready to surrender!

You need to make peace with Japan.

-Okay. -Good,

now repeat it back to me.

Okay, I nuke the city of Hiroshima in Japan.

No! Japan wants to surrender!

Make peace with Japan!

Right, and nuke Hiroshima.

No, no, no, no!

[Wild West] And et cetera.

Due to wartime rationing,

we've had to keep reusing our Pat Tillman bit from 200.

Thanks for doing your part to make sure

all the fresh new jokes are saved for our troops oversea.

Eventually, Japan did surrender.

Don't worry too much about why-

the war was over.

At last, America could celebrate

with lots of non-consensual kissing.

Don't worry, your husband'll never find out.

Lunch with the girls, huh? Susan, probably!

Well, that does it for today's history adventure.

I hope you have a new appreciation for the joys,

follies, and heartaches that comprise our shared human story.

Also, you might receive an email

from the Quahog County Courthouse,

confirming that I provided

"Volunteer Educational Services."

If you could just go ahead and click the link

and fill out the short webform, I'd really appreciate it.

[sighs] So, turns out you can legally buy Jenna Ortega

as many new bedsheets as you want,

you just can't deliver them in person.

So we all learned something this week.

Sleep tight, Jenna.

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