Original subtitles

? It seems today that all you see ?

? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?

? But where are those good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?

[TV announcer] We now return to Hung Sheldo.

I don't think I have to say smart stuff anymore.

-[towel drops] -Bazinga.

Hello, family. Just wanted to give you guys a heads-up

that I have catastrophically clogged the toilet.

Catastrophically clogged?

Well, let's just say your dress shoe couldn't scoop it all out.

And the Emmy goes to...

[drumroll]

Bob's Burgers.

[fanfare playing]

Stupid thing's political.

[sighs] I guess everybody will just have to make

a family trip to Starbucks.

Well, I can't leave without my bathroom reading material.

I'm gonna bring my pickup artist book.

I'm learning how to neg.

You can read that when you get home.

You know, you're really pretty for a broad with small boobs.

I got to read chapter two.

God, this place is sad.

Look at that loser working on his screenplay.

Oh, that's Brian.

Interior, space brothel. Day.

You know, I think it has potential.

Why do we always come to a coffee shop

when our toilets don't work?

Well, coffee shop toilets are strong.

They're stress-tested daily and are guaranteed

to be able to flush a homeless man's pants.

[toilet flushes]

[sniffing]

What you're picking up is Pop-Tarts

and a hint of mango White Claw.

No, i- [sniffs]

Is that... No. [laughs] It can't be.

[gasps]

-[grunts] -Pumpkin spice latte is back?

But it's a day early.

[chuckles] I have a Google alert on my phone for that

and Luke Hemsworth.

I want to be the first one to know

when he becomes a successful actor.

I also see you had a pap smear today.

Yeah, my pap is still a little tender.

Anyway, two pumpkin spice lattes, please.

You can say I like those "a-latte."

[giggles]

Cool beans, huh?

What "brew-ti-ful" news.

Okay, you got to give me something here.

I live in my car.

Oh, way to make it all about you.

[toilet flushes]

Meg, it's the start of pumpkin spice latte season.

-What's that? -A very special day

for white women everywhere.

Even bigger than Martha Stewart's birthday.

[Stewie] August 3rd.

Honey, there comes a day when every white girl

must become a white woman. Today is that day.

["A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton playing]

? Making my way downtown, walking fast ?

? Faces pass and I'm homebound ?

? Staring blankly ahead ?

? Just making my way, making a way ?

? Through the crowd ?

? And I need you ?

? And I miss you ?

? And now I wonder ?

? If I could fall ?

? Into the sky ?

? Do you think time ?

? Would pass me by? ?

? 'Cause you know I'd walk ?

? A thousand miles ?

? If I could just see you. ?

You don't tell me to connect the dots.

You connect your own dots. Oh, my God, it's a giraffe!

Lois, look, I thought it was going to be a palm tree,

but the antlers were a dead giveaway.

Hey, bitch, let's get PSLs. Mama wants to nut some megs.

Oh, honey, it's been a month.

Pumpkin spice latte season is over.

Over? What do you mean, over?

Well, it's a seasonal beverage.

I mean, this is why I always have withdrawals

this time of year and quickly lose patience

with family and friends.

I told you no straws in the living room!

[crying]

[door closes]

Oh, let me make you something fall-adjacent

that'll help tide you over.

-Mama? -What the deuce, Stewie?!

Ah, that's where that comes from.

Here you go- a nice cup of green tea you can drink

until it's the same temperature as the room

and then leave half-full.

? ?

Hi, I'm Green Tea.

I have an extra ticket to see Three Dog Night

at the fairground this weekend.

It's none of the original members

and none of the original fake members.

What do you say we "Shambala" over

around 6:00?

This sucks!

Hey, can you guys stop going on drug trips?

I haven't had my diaper changed since October.

I'm sorry, Meg. It's just the way it is.

You'll get used to it.

I'll tell you exactly what it is:

misogyny.

This is them taking things away from women.

Why can't the patriarchy let us have this one thing?

? ?

Hey, my dudes. On today's agenda,

we're deciding what women can and can't have.

We're in Q4,

so pumpkin spice lattes are out.

And where did we land on reproductive rights?

They gone!

Before we go any further,

would anyone like to yell an Anchorman quote?

-"Milk was a bad choice." -"Whale's vagina."

Right on. Now let's take a quick stand break

to unstick our testicles from our legs.

-[all moaning] -Yeah.

This arbitrary cutoff is BS.

I bet they have all the ingredients just sitting there

in some storage room. [gasps] You know what?

What are you doing?

This table has a very strict weight limit

and you're testing it.

We need to rise up and take back our country.

I-I mean, seasonal beverage.

-Are you in? -I'm in.

[whimpers]

[phone chimes]

Hey, Chris, can you stop using me

as your recovery e-mail for Pornhub?

You don't need an account.

[Chris] You do to post comments.

[announcer] Pornhub: join the conversation.

Guess our many pandemic hobbies

are finally paying off.

All right, since we have more time on our hands,

we're gonna get into social justice.

And I got a Black Lives Matter sign to put on our lawn.

Ooh, we should also put up a sign

in support of the trans community.

I don't know, Meg,

suddenly everything's sounding very cluttered.

Mom's high school swimming records are getting shattered.

Meg, I found it!

Nice. Up top, bitch.

Can you stop calling me that?

Whoa, what's this?

Starbucks used to sell a lot of CDs.

They propped up Michael Bubl� for years.

Joni Mitchell. Alanis Morrisette.

The Diana Krall?

What's this really tall stack?

Oh, it's the audiobook for Kamala Harris'

The Truths We Hold. Well, now I'm just sad.

[both] Cheers.

Coming up, my adult nephew's band, Forged in Steel,

will be playing at the Cat Club on Friday.

Is that enough "uncle-ing" for you, Denise?

But first, a brazen robbery occurred

at a Quahog coffee shop last night,

with the assailants stealing a proprietary spice blend

used to make pumpkin spice lattes.

An eyewitness reports seeing two people

fleeing the scene:

a woman he, quote, "would like to jump,"

and a second woman.

We now turn to local cop Joe Swanson,

who is taking this very seriously.

I'm now going to answer some questions from reporters

that this microphone is not picking up.

No, not at this time.

We're monitoring that.

Yeah.

About 45 minutes at 375 degrees.

We have to keep a low profile.

Ooh, good thinking. I'll go on social media

and let everyone know I'm taking a mental health break.

Meg, no one cares. Just don't post.

I think they do.

Oh, right, I forgot to unfollow her.

[grunts]

Good God, woman.

-Hi, Lois. -[whimpers]

I just wanted to say

I noticed how your windows have been looking.

Windex is on aisle nine.

Wow. That's like the woman equivalent

of getting stabbed in the face.

Well, I appreciate that, Bonnie.

You know, maybe you should focus on your hydrangeas.

They're looking a little pale.

[sniffs] Hm...

What interesting perfume you've got on.

Nutmeg, clove,

a little bit of ground ginger.

I'd say that smells like pumpkin spice latte,

but... [chuckles] that would be crazy.

Well, Jamaican me crazy.

Ugh, embarrassing.

Coffee without creamer.

Insulator sleeves.

Pregnancy test?

That's for me. Veronica from baby piano is late. Again.

That's why the rosary beads are there, too.

It's you! You're the coffee shop thief.

Shh. Okay, what do you want? You want money?

I want in.

Otherwise, I can't guarantee

what I may or may not tell Joe.

All right, fine. But you can't tell anyone else.

I'm very discreet.

I take every secret to my grave.

Like, for example, did you know that Tom Hanks

has a passion for vintage typewriters?

Bonnie, I read that in Parade magazine.

Well, they didn't hear it from me.

[knocking]

Give me the pumpkin spice latte.

I-I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about.

I saw the bat signal. We all did.

Bonnie.

I know you have some. Give it to me right now.

-I am filming you. -And I'm filming you

because this is how I deal with conflict.

And I'm filming you filming her because I have a TikTok

about women who don't support women.

Ladies, I'm sorry, but I just don't-

[women chanting] Pumpkin spice! Pumpkin spice!

-[chanting continuing] -I borrowed this from

my white husband.

Pack the bags, Donna.

Pack the bags, Neil!

-Oh, no. Pack the bags, Dennis. -Mykonos?

Well, we haven't been in three weeks.

You get the mesh bag of sandals

and I'll get all our Greece greases.

[women chanting] Pumpkin spice! Pumpkin spice!

Okay. Okay, we can get you all

pumpkin spice lattes tomorrow.

Okay, Meg, we got 24 hours to replenish our supply.

-Mom, what are you doing? -Don't worry, Meg.

I know exactly how we can monetize this.

I took the Bill Gates MasterClass.

I was never on Epstein's plane.

And if I was, it was just a routine flight for my charity.

But I wasn't.

Microsoft.

-[Lois] Password? -Dressing on the side.

[gasps] Ooh.

We accept cash, Venmo or Etsy gift cards.

We prefer Etsy gift cards.

Actually, we only take Etsy gift cards.

[cheering]

There goes the neighborhood.

Hummingbird feeders and those damn

free libraries everywhere.

Constant smell of banana bread.

Look at 'em- eating granola like it's cereal.

It's supposed to be sprinkled on top of something.

It's too calorically dense otherwise.

Tom's of Maine is owned by Colgate!

-[women] Liar! -Look it up.

[camera shutter clicking]

Seventh one this month.

Guys, we really need to find some evidence

so I can have stuff to say at the next press conference.

I knocked it out of the park at the last one

and people are expecting a lot.

I can't believe someone would do something like this.

It's disgusting. Starbucks is more than just a coffee shop.

It's a place where people come together and post flyers

advertising their bad improv shows.

By the way, can you come see my Malcolm in the Giggle show

-next Wednesday? -I would, but I'm going to a Gimprov show.

We're reclaiming that word.

We're looking for a suggestion from the audience.

Does anyone have an occupation?

[Joe] Former acrobat.

Great. How about a location?

[Joe] C6, C7, between two vertebrae.

Fellas, I think we just got a break in this case.

This isn't for the case,

but I'm taking these napkins for my car.

The other day, I had to drive home blind after a wet sneeze.

There's a three-week backlog at the lab.

Thought you might be able to help.

You've come to the right place.

I have a database of every woman's foot in Quahog.

-I call it The Footbook. -Drop the "the." It's cleaner.

Yeah. Uh-huh. [laughs]

You stop it right now.

Are you talking to the footprint?

The footprint and I are having a conversation.

It's a little like Harry Potter.

The admirer doesn't choose the foot,

the foot has to choose the admirer.

Let me just cross-reference, and...

Oh, that's very sad.

-What? -It's a discontinued

Payless shoe from 2009.

A shoe so sad can only belong to one woman.

[gasps] Olivia Wilde?

She must be pretty sad.

Tabloid culture overshadowed a movie

the cast and crew worked so hard on.

-No, Joe, it's Lois. -And by the way,

you can read more of my movie reviews on my Letterboxd.

Did you know the cast of Oppenheimer lived together

-while they were filming? -Uh-huh.

Cillian Murphy spent a lot of time on his own.

-Kind of a lone wolf. -Okay.

Of course, by then, most of the cast had seen his penis.

-You know, that scene with Einstein- -[door opens, closes]

originally, they had both their penises out.

-[car engine starts] -Actors sometimes do that

to break down their emotional walls.

Thank God he's gone. I've been holding in a major fart.

-[farts] -Ah.

Everything's hard for me, cat.

Thanks, Quagmire. This is the smoking gun we needed.

-We're gonna nail Lois. -Really? Can... can I go first?

No, I mean, we got to slap the cuffs on her

and throw her in the back of my car.

-Guh... -[meows]

Get her in a room and drill her till she breaks.

Guh...

See how she likes it in the can.

Gah!

I'd like to see one of those strong female attorneys

try to get her off.

Gah...!

? ?

[chitters]

Everyone, get in position.

-Roger that. -Copy.

Jerry, please acknowledge.

He's not acknowledging. I'm going in.

Let's get this debutante ball started.

-[feedback squeals] -[loud chewing over earpiece]

Be professional, Jerry.

[gasps]

Hello. I am a white woman named Kayhla

and I spell that in a very complicated way for zero reason.

Well, aren't you a cool glass of water.

Why don't you come on in for a nonconsensual shoulder rub?

I just want to speak to your wife.

Wife? Oh, we've been drifting apart for a long time.

So, is there a Mr. Kayhla?

There was. My husband was a wrestler.

His doctor told him he couldn't wrestle anymore

but he loved it so much

he wrestled one last time and died.

Telling him not to wrestle

was like telling him not to breathe.

That's so sad, that's literally exactly what happened

to Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.

No, it's very different. Unlike Mickey Rourke,

my husband's face was completely disfigured

by too much plastic surgery.

Kayhla, you have got to watch this movie.

It's so similar to your life.

Is Dad okay?

It's brain fog from having COVID 12 times.

What do we do now?

Look, we always knew this time would come.

Grab the pumpkin spice from the garage and run.

-[door opens] -[Peter] I'm sorry to be so forward,

it's just that you're literally any woman

other than the one I'm allowed to have.

Getting your own daughter involved?

You're a sick woman, Lois Griffin.

-[gasps] Joe? -I'm sorry, Peter.

But, for what it's worth, Kayhla found you very attractive.

No, it's all right. I'll just work out

this sexual confusion in my porn searches later.

[Chris] I have an account if you want to leave a comment.

[announcer] Pornhub: fun for the whole family.

? ?

Oh, my God, we're like Thelma and Louise.

I've never felt so alive.

Meg, unpair your phone.

I'm driving, so we pair my phone.

Seriously? [scoffs] Fine.

-[music stops] -Go ahead.

Well, I can't connect until you disconnect your phone.

You have to forget device.

Go to settings, general, network, Bluetooth,

find "Car", then hit "Forget My Device."

Ugh! We can't do it while you're driving.

The car has to be stopped.

Siri, forget device.

? ?

Coming to you live, we are in pursuit of two fugitives

identified in the gruesome pumpkin spice latte robberies.

As you can see now, they're headed down route 95.

Oh, yeah, right past that exterminator

with the big bug on the roof.

Oh, look, there it is.

They do a nice little job.

It appears they're slowing down.

[Lois] Siri!

Forget... my... device!

[Tom] Yep, just what I thought.

Classic Bluetooth pairing problem.

Oh, okay, it appears they were able to safely pair the phone.

But it looks like the police cruiser is pulling over

for similar reasons.

Listen, I don't know what they're teaching you

at the academy, but this is day one stuff.

Go to settings, general, network.

Oh, you got an Android?

So, you're the green idiot on the group text.

? ?

Peter?

I can't find the remote.

Wha- Did you check under the table?

Yeah. No. Hold on.

Okay, I found it. Thank you.

[gasps]

[grunts]

[both screaming]

I'm sorry, Meg.

I never meant for things to get so out of hand.

Me too, Mom.

But I got to say,

I enjoyed spending time with you.

Should we go out in a blaze of eternal glory?

I'd like that very much.

Uh, can I get a vote?

I've been here since you went to Target.

Two days ago.

I guess this all could've been avoided

if there was another seasonal beverage

that followed the pumpkin spice latte.

Well, there is the peppermint mocha,

but there's no comparison. I...

I mean, yeah, it has candy on top,

a-a rich peppermint cream,

and basically tastes like Christmas in a cup, but-

Ooh! Actually, that doesn't sound that bad.

Are you [bleep] me? Turn around!

It's too late!

I'm buckled in, this should be fine.

[all screaming]

We've changed our minds. Oh, we made emotional decisions.

Please save us, men.

We got 'em, boys.

I guess all that's left is for the husband

to give an emotional press conference.

It's time we forgive Kevin Spacey.

That will be my only statement at this time. Thank you.

I already joined three prison gangs.

We got community service.

Yeah, I know. I was getting ready, just in case.

Joe told them about The Footbook.

Drop the "the." It's cleaner.

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