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1
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This is me about to whup my son.
2
00:00:04,359 --> 00:00:06,921
How the hell did we get here?
3
00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:09,491
Well, every whupping usually has
4
00:00:09,559 --> 00:00:11,660
a beginning, middle, and end.
5
00:00:11,728 --> 00:00:13,562
And the beginning usually starts
6
00:00:13,630 --> 00:00:15,631
with someone acting a complete ass.
7
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Jack! Jack! Where are you, Jack?!
8
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Not her.
9
00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:21,770
Oh, my God, you guys! My son is gone!
10
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He's been kidnapped!
11
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He's little. He's black. He's really cute!
12
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Who wouldn't kidnap him?
It was only a matter of time!
13
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,177
- Ma'am...
- He's very small!
14
00:00:28,244 --> 00:00:30,612
- Ma'am, calm down.
- To calm down?!
15
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:31,480
Listen to me!
16
00:00:31,548 --> 00:00:34,583
I'm gonna fast-forward through what
my wife said to Officer Hernandez.
17
00:00:34,651 --> 00:00:37,019
It doesn't show her
in the most flattering light.
18
00:00:37,086 --> 00:00:39,588
But I think it's a good
reminder to all of us
19
00:00:39,656 --> 00:00:41,957
that you never tell a frantic black woman
20
00:00:42,025 --> 00:00:43,559
to "calm down."
21
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,227
You got to go find my...
What are you doing?!
22
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,795
- Go! Go!
- Yes, ma'am.
23
00:00:46,816 --> 00:00:48,283
Jack!
24
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Jack, where are you?!
25
00:00:49,899 --> 00:00:51,200
Oh, God!
26
00:00:51,267 --> 00:00:52,468
Jack!
27
00:00:52,535 --> 00:00:55,137
Remember the ass I mentioned earlier?
28
00:00:55,205 --> 00:00:56,672
Here he is... our son.
29
00:00:56,739 --> 00:00:59,408
Mommy loves you! Oh, God.
30
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:00,642
He'd hidden again.
31
00:01:00,710 --> 00:01:02,010
It was a game to him.
32
00:01:02,078 --> 00:01:04,148
A game we all hated called
33
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"Jack's missing and may be in
a white van with no windows."
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I found him! He's okay!
35
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Oh, God. Oh, my God!
36
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Everyone's okay. Whew!
37
00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:17,793
I love a happy ending.
38
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,330
Were you hiding?!
39
00:01:21,398 --> 00:01:23,232
Were you hiding in there?!
40
00:01:23,299 --> 00:01:24,933
You scared the hell out of me.
41
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Did you not heare calling your name?!
42
00:01:27,103 --> 00:01:29,071
I'm gonna go ahead and fast-forward again
43
00:01:29,139 --> 00:01:31,440
because I don't think you can
say these things to a child.
44
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When we get home,
45
00:01:32,909 --> 00:01:35,577
your father is going to spank you!
46
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Did you hear what she just said?
47
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Let me play it back for you.
48
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When we get home,
49
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your father is going to spank you!
50
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- Let's go.
- Can you believe her?
51
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She got to be judge, jury,and made me executioner.
52
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- Not cool, Bow. Not cool.
- Oh, my God.
53
00:01:51,561 --> 00:01:53,061
- Is that me? Oh, God.
- Ma'am?
54
00:01:53,129 --> 00:01:54,663
- Oh! Oh! Oh, really?!
- Give me... Give me the bag, please.
55
00:01:54,731 --> 00:01:56,031
Oh, I see. I see.
56
00:01:56,099 --> 00:01:58,434
It takes you two hours
to find a little black boy,
57
00:01:58,501 --> 00:01:59,802
and then you're here in two seconds
58
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,170
when I accidentally steal a clutch?!
59
00:02:01,237 --> 00:02:03,038
Well, you know what? I'm keeping it!
60
00:02:03,106 --> 00:02:04,851
That's right. I'm keeping it!
61
00:02:04,928 --> 00:02:06,913
sync and correction by solfieri
www.MY-SUBS.com
62
00:02:06,914 --> 00:02:08,914
Black-ish - 01x05
"Crime and Punishment"
63
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I thought our son was gone!
64
00:02:14,584 --> 00:02:17,719
I am not spanking him.
65
00:02:17,787 --> 00:02:19,488
Look, pops used to spank me
66
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,890
with a hot wheels track for sport.
67
00:02:21,958 --> 00:02:23,992
That's how he got his name... pops.
68
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:25,594
You'd just be sitting there,
minding your own business,
69
00:02:25,662 --> 00:02:27,162
and then, out of no place, pop!
70
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,096
For no good reason.
71
00:02:28,164 --> 00:02:29,431
You're not listening to me!
72
00:02:29,499 --> 00:02:30,833
Okay, this is very serious!
73
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,534
This hiding thing has got to stop,
74
00:02:32,602 --> 00:02:34,336
and Jack needs to be taught a lesson.
75
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:35,671
Well, if you want to spank him so bad,
76
00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:36,738
why don't you do it yourself?
77
00:02:36,806 --> 00:02:38,040
Because you're the spanker, Dre.
78
00:02:38,107 --> 00:02:39,575
I did it one time.
79
00:02:39,642 --> 00:02:41,043
One more than me.
80
00:02:41,110 --> 00:02:42,144
That's because you were
81
00:02:42,212 --> 00:02:43,479
eight months' pregnant with the twins.
82
00:02:43,546 --> 00:02:45,414
And you said if you spanked him,
you would go into labor!
83
00:02:45,482 --> 00:02:48,160
Well, it's not my fault that you have
no idea how the human body works.
84
00:02:48,162 --> 00:02:50,029
Bow, I can't do it again.
85
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,856
Spanking Junior put me
in the bed for three days!
86
00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:56,425
He shed that one tear like
Denzel in "Glory,"
87
00:02:56,493 --> 00:02:58,360
and I cried like Whoopi in "Color Purple."
88
00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,528
But that's not the point.
89
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,363
Because we said that we would punish him,
90
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,532
and we need to follow through.
91
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,301
No, you promised, now you want
me to follow through.
92
00:03:06,369 --> 00:03:08,403
Okay, I feel like
you're blaming me for this.
93
00:03:08,471 --> 00:03:10,172
I am blaming you for this!
94
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:11,607
Bow, it's your fault!
95
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,577
I can still remember Junior's face
96
00:03:15,645 --> 00:03:16,879
the day I spanked him.
97
00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:20,048
I just hope the memory
of that whupping has faded.
98
00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:22,551
It was the Thursday of a leap year.
99
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,653
The air was crisp.
100
00:03:24,721 --> 00:03:26,288
The sky was blue.
101
00:03:26,356 --> 00:03:28,323
And the belt was black!
102
00:03:28,391 --> 00:03:30,292
I don't want to hear anymore!
103
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,660
Not even about the color of my tears?
104
00:03:31,728 --> 00:03:32,661
They were red!
105
00:03:32,729 --> 00:03:33,662
Aah!
106
00:03:33,730 --> 00:03:36,265
Okay, don't be mean. He's scared.
107
00:03:36,332 --> 00:03:37,432
He should be.
108
00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:38,800
It's terrifying.
109
00:03:38,868 --> 00:03:41,069
I mean, not for me.
I'm too old to be spanked.
110
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,237
I've aged out.
111
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,806
Where'd you hear that, Junior?
112
00:03:44,874 --> 00:03:45,974
Well, I mean, I'm 13 now.
113
00:03:46,042 --> 00:03:47,509
That means I'm out of the whupping window.
114
00:03:47,577 --> 00:03:49,811
Yeah, but you still have an ass, don't you?
115
00:03:49,879 --> 00:03:51,513
That means you're still in the window.
116
00:03:51,581 --> 00:03:54,716
My research shows we have legal options...
117
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Emancipation, extrication,
118
00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:59,588
and, if all else fails, relocation.
119
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:00,656
Damn, Diane.
120
00:04:00,723 --> 00:04:01,890
I wish I had you when I divorced grandma.
121
00:04:01,958 --> 00:04:03,258
Might've held on to my Lincoln.
122
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,561
You're just messing with me, right?
123
00:04:05,628 --> 00:04:07,763
I mean, nobody's gonna spank
a 9th grader, right?
124
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,398
What's age got to do with it?
125
00:04:09,465 --> 00:04:10,632
I spanked your daddy
126
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,034
when he came home for
the summer from college.
127
00:04:12,101 --> 00:04:13,368
He was all, "oh, I'm in college, now.
128
00:04:13,436 --> 00:04:15,671
Listen to how smart my mouth is."
129
00:04:15,738 --> 00:04:16,939
I was like, "pop!"
130
00:04:17,006 --> 00:04:18,440
Okay, come on, pops.
131
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,175
We all know no one spanks anymore.
132
00:04:20,243 --> 00:04:22,177
Oh, well, look who's
sitting there all cocky
133
00:04:22,245 --> 00:04:23,612
thinking she's safe 'cause she's a girl.
134
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,081
Whupping don't care what you are.
135
00:04:26,149 --> 00:04:30,886
An ass is an ass is an ass is an ass.
136
00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:34,289
Pop!
137
00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:35,557
Oh.
138
00:04:35,625 --> 00:04:37,326
As pops continued to make a strong case
139
00:04:37,393 --> 00:04:39,461
for why he shouldn't be
left alone with children,
140
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:40,829
I started to wonder
141
00:04:40,897 --> 00:04:43,432
where everyone else came down on spanking.
142
00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:45,867
Was I the only one dealing with this?
143
00:04:45,935 --> 00:04:47,169
So, it's really a campaign
144
00:04:47,236 --> 00:04:49,004
that focuses on what's important...
145
00:04:49,072 --> 00:04:51,173
Light bulbs and family.
146
00:04:53,643 --> 00:04:55,911
Okay, speaking of family,
I have a question.
147
00:04:55,979 --> 00:04:58,313
Were any of you spanked as kids?
148
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Sure was.
149
00:04:59,415 --> 00:05:00,415
My dad used to have a Rob Roy,
150
00:05:00,483 --> 00:05:02,250
then beat me with his dress shoe.
151
00:05:02,318 --> 00:05:05,220
My mom used to put rings on
just to spank me.
152
00:05:05,288 --> 00:05:07,856
My mom used to crack me
in the skull with a rolling pin.
153
00:05:07,924 --> 00:05:10,025
Good lord, that's horrible!
154
00:05:10,093 --> 00:05:13,028
Indian ones are smaller,
but still, it was a rolling pin.
155
00:05:13,096 --> 00:05:14,896
My parents didn't believe in spanking,
156
00:05:14,964 --> 00:05:15,931
and I turned out awesome.
157
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,900
Hey, what do they do to kids in China?
158
00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:20,068
Uh, no idea.
159
00:05:20,136 --> 00:05:22,924
I grew up in Torrance, and I'm Korean.
160
00:05:23,006 --> 00:05:24,773
Who thinks they were
better off being spanked?
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00:05:24,841 --> 00:05:26,608
- Oh, totally.
- I do. Definitely.
162
00:05:26,676 --> 00:05:28,176
And this country is losing ground
163
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because we're no longer spanking.
164
00:05:29,846 --> 00:05:31,279
Our kids are last in everything.
165
00:05:31,347 --> 00:05:32,781
It's true... All the countries
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that are beating their kids
are beating our ass.
167
00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:36,385
Well, I'm convinced.
168
00:05:36,452 --> 00:05:37,786
I'm gonna spank my son.
169
00:05:37,854 --> 00:05:38,687
That's a terrible idea.
170
00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:39,888
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No!
171
00:05:39,956 --> 00:05:41,189
Now, wait a minute.
172
00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:43,925
- You were talking about your own child?
- Yes.
173
00:05:43,993 --> 00:05:45,560
Which one? The big one or the little one?
174
00:05:45,628 --> 00:05:46,995
- The little one.
- Oh, come on!
175
00:05:47,063 --> 00:05:48,463
Not Jack! He's our favorite!
176
00:05:48,531 --> 00:05:50,198
What are you, a monster?
177
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,933
I thought you guys were all for spanking?
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00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,001
In the abstract, yeah,
179
00:05:53,069 --> 00:05:54,603
but you don't hit your own child.
180
00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:55,637
Who does that?
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00:05:55,705 --> 00:05:58,507
Yeah, we don't live in China.
182
00:05:58,575 --> 00:05:59,841
No offense, Tanya.
183
00:05:59,909 --> 00:06:02,411
Was I a monster?
184
00:06:02,478 --> 00:06:05,314
Was I wrong for even
considering spanking my kid?
185
00:06:05,381 --> 00:06:07,716
Babe, you wouldn't believe
how they turned on me
186
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,885
when they heard that I was gonna hit Jack.
187
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,487
It's not up to them. It's our decision.
188
00:06:12,555 --> 00:06:13,522
Hey, well, look,
189
00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:14,790
if you wanted to beat the boy so bad,
190
00:06:14,857 --> 00:06:16,525
you should have beat him
while you were at the store.
191
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,794
Hey, there were shoes, there were hangers,
192
00:06:18,861 --> 00:06:19,928
an array of belts...
193
00:06:19,996 --> 00:06:21,396
Well, I couldn't do it at the store.
194
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:22,631
There were people everywhere.
195
00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:24,366
What do you think
the dressing rooms are for?
196
00:06:24,434 --> 00:06:26,368
They're private little beating booths.
197
00:06:26,436 --> 00:06:27,970
Look, you missed your moment, Bow.
198
00:06:28,037 --> 00:06:29,271
You just need to admit it.
199
00:06:29,339 --> 00:06:30,839
You don't want to be the bad guy.
200
00:06:30,907 --> 00:06:33,342
I don't want to be the bad guy!
201
00:06:33,409 --> 00:06:35,577
I don't even like taking
the last shrimp at a party,
202
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,412
and you know how much I love crustaceans.
203
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,348
Oh, you do love crustaceans.
204
00:06:39,415 --> 00:06:41,617
Look, I think I can
get the same message across
205
00:06:41,684 --> 00:06:43,485
if I just give him a stern talking-to.
206
00:06:49,959 --> 00:06:51,960
So, you're not gonna get a whupping.
207
00:06:52,028 --> 00:06:53,695
Dad's just gonna talk to you.
208
00:06:53,763 --> 00:06:56,398
Yes, a talk? That's nothing.
209
00:06:56,466 --> 00:06:58,100
I could do that standing on my head.
210
00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:00,235
I told you dad was soft.
211
00:07:03,238 --> 00:07:05,239
So, what should I wear to the whupping?
212
00:07:05,241 --> 00:07:07,109
Black 'cause it's a somber occasion?
213
00:07:07,176 --> 00:07:09,277
White 'cause you're whupping virgin ass?
214
00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:10,679
I'm not whupping Jack, pops.
215
00:07:10,747 --> 00:07:11,647
All right?
216
00:07:11,714 --> 00:07:12,948
I'm gonna sit down and have
217
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:15,350
a sensible, intelligent
conversation with my son.
218
00:07:15,418 --> 00:07:18,587
Diane is right. You are soft.
219
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,124
Has anyone seen Jack?
I can't find him anywhere.
220
00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:23,825
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
221
00:07:23,893 --> 00:07:26,528
Jack, get down here now!
222
00:07:26,596 --> 00:07:29,631
Jack! He's not upstairs!
223
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,533
He's not under the dining room table.
224
00:07:31,601 --> 00:07:32,834
He's not in the guesthouse.
225
00:07:32,902 --> 00:07:35,470
I'm looking in the oven.
I've totally lost it.
226
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:36,438
Jack!
227
00:07:36,506 --> 00:07:37,839
I found his backpack outside.
228
00:07:37,907 --> 00:07:39,875
What? Outside?
229
00:07:39,942 --> 00:07:41,143
Baby, maybe he got snatched.
230
00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:42,377
I mean, people are crazy.
231
00:07:42,445 --> 00:07:44,112
See? This is what I went through
at the store.
232
00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:46,048
Yeah, but now it's different. It's me.
233
00:07:46,115 --> 00:07:48,183
Damn it, Jack!
234
00:07:48,251 --> 00:07:50,419
He was so cute, so... so full of promise.
235
00:07:50,486 --> 00:07:51,787
He was my favorite.
236
00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:55,523
Oh, sorry, guys.
237
00:07:55,525 --> 00:07:57,993
Ha! Gotcha!
238
00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,961
Here I am! You couldn't find me.
239
00:08:00,029 --> 00:08:01,963
Dad, you walked right by me
240
00:08:02,031 --> 00:08:03,065
three times.
241
00:08:03,132 --> 00:08:04,933
I thought you could hear me giggling,
242
00:08:05,001 --> 00:08:07,669
but you didn't because you were
crying so loud.
243
00:08:09,338 --> 00:08:10,605
What the hell is wrong with you?
244
00:08:10,673 --> 00:08:12,774
You see how much worry
you caused in this house?
245
00:08:12,842 --> 00:08:14,309
You know what? I'm about to whup your ass.
246
00:08:14,377 --> 00:08:15,844
Whoa, son, son. Yeah.
247
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,345
You don't want to whup a child
just before he goes to school.
248
00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:18,647
Crying in the car,
249
00:08:18,715 --> 00:08:20,849
tears all over the leather seats?
250
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,150
Good point, pops.
251
00:08:22,218 --> 00:08:23,618
You know what, son?
252
00:08:23,686 --> 00:08:27,456
When I get home,
I'm gonna whip your behind.
253
00:08:27,523 --> 00:08:29,591
Now you have to think about that
all day...
254
00:08:29,659 --> 00:08:33,628
About how when I get home,
I'm gonna whip your behind.
255
00:08:33,696 --> 00:08:35,464
Okay, let's go.
256
00:08:35,531 --> 00:08:36,598
Come on. We're going to your room.
257
00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:37,966
You think about that all day, young man.
258
00:08:38,034 --> 00:08:38,967
You hear me, mister?!
259
00:08:38,969 --> 00:08:40,703
That's my boy.
260
00:08:43,347 --> 00:08:46,026
So, I was resolved to whup that boy.
261
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:49,488
But little did I know,
there was a conspiracy afoot.
262
00:08:50,410 --> 00:08:52,929
Okay, we have to figure something out.
263
00:08:52,931 --> 00:08:54,652
I'm back in the whuppin' window.
264
00:08:54,654 --> 00:08:56,334
Jack re-opened my window!
265
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,305
Yeah, you really messed it
up for all of us.
266
00:08:58,303 --> 00:08:59,470
Why did you hide again?
267
00:08:59,470 --> 00:09:01,962
'Cause I'm a really good hider.
268
00:09:01,964 --> 00:09:05,410
Our only hope is for a gubernatorial pardon.
269
00:09:05,410 --> 00:09:07,779
Oh, why is she like this?
270
00:09:07,779 --> 00:09:09,781
Just tell us what you mean.
271
00:09:09,781 --> 00:09:12,581
Mom could save us. Duh.
272
00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:15,219
So, what do I have to do?
273
00:09:16,185 --> 00:09:18,921
I got it.
274
00:09:18,923 --> 00:09:20,391
Now, tell me what you see.
275
00:09:20,753 --> 00:09:22,427
Me.
276
00:09:22,427 --> 00:09:23,862
Hi, me!
277
00:09:23,862 --> 00:09:27,498
Okay, do you not understand
what's going to happen?
278
00:09:27,498 --> 00:09:31,769
You are going to get beaten
by dad with a belt.
279
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,038
Ignore him.
280
00:09:34,038 --> 00:09:36,107
Tell me what we should do.
281
00:09:36,107 --> 00:09:37,108
I need this.
282
00:09:37,108 --> 00:09:38,009
Okay.
283
00:09:38,596 --> 00:09:41,977
That face, that smile, that afro...
284
00:09:41,979 --> 00:09:45,891
All weapons to use against mom
when you're killing her with cuteness.
285
00:09:45,893 --> 00:09:47,135
Not bad.
286
00:09:47,137 --> 00:09:48,799
So, do you think you can do it?
287
00:09:48,801 --> 00:09:51,604
Are you kidding?
I don't know how not to do it.
288
00:09:53,666 --> 00:09:57,893
Even though I was resolute, forces
were working to try to break me down.
289
00:09:57,895 --> 00:09:59,196
Okay, you guys, look.
290
00:09:59,198 --> 00:10:01,432
If we don't come up with
a new marketing strategy
291
00:10:01,432 --> 00:10:03,727
in the next 20 minutes,
we're gonna lose our client.
292
00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:06,137
And that's $7 million in revenue.
293
00:10:06,137 --> 00:10:08,206
- Question.
- Yes.
294
00:10:08,206 --> 00:10:10,909
Did you beat your son yesterday?
295
00:10:10,909 --> 00:10:14,861
You did hear me say
$7 million in revenue, right?
296
00:10:14,863 --> 00:10:16,915
That is your name on the wall.
297
00:10:16,915 --> 00:10:18,883
So, that's a yes?
298
00:10:18,883 --> 00:10:21,785
You know, I don't think
that's appropriate workplace conversation.
299
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:24,923
But I am whupping my son's ass tonight.
300
00:10:24,923 --> 00:10:27,358
I thought we agreed you
weren't whupping your son's ass.
301
00:10:27,358 --> 00:10:29,512
- We?
- Yeah, we all voted yesterday
302
00:10:29,514 --> 00:10:31,149
while you were asleep after lunch.
303
00:10:35,564 --> 00:10:39,418
You know, it may not seem like it,
but I am embarrassed by those naps.
304
00:10:39,420 --> 00:10:41,456
But I am not embarrassed by the fact
305
00:10:41,458 --> 00:10:43,126
that I'm gonna whip my son's ass.
306
00:10:43,439 --> 00:10:44,774
All right? The kid needs it.
307
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,762
So I had no support at work,
308
00:10:47,764 --> 00:10:51,295
but at least I knew
Bow was standing strong.
309
00:10:51,420 --> 00:10:52,625
We can't spank Jack.
310
00:10:52,627 --> 00:10:53,561
What?
311
00:10:53,563 --> 00:10:55,398
We can't spank Jack.
312
00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:56,940
Who got to you?
313
00:10:56,942 --> 00:10:58,643
No one.
314
00:10:59,418 --> 00:11:01,082
Let me help you, mommy.
315
00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:04,401
Jack, don't cozy up to me.
316
00:11:04,403 --> 00:11:05,503
I'm still angry with you.
317
00:11:05,570 --> 00:11:07,138
Oh, my God, you are wearing a Bow tie.
318
00:11:07,205 --> 00:11:08,739
I'm your little man.
319
00:11:09,875 --> 00:11:12,376
Hi, mommy.
320
00:11:12,444 --> 00:11:16,782
Could we please look at my baby pictures
while cuddling on the couch together?
321
00:11:20,752 --> 00:11:23,931
Yes! That is your world-famous
lasagna I smell.
322
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,890
I love you and your cooking, mommy.
323
00:11:25,957 --> 00:11:27,591
Okay.
324
00:11:37,335 --> 00:11:38,269
No. No. No. No. No.
325
00:11:38,336 --> 00:11:39,970
Bow, you can't look in his eyes!
326
00:11:40,038 --> 00:11:41,238
He's like the chupacabra.
327
00:11:41,306 --> 00:11:42,673
I had to!
328
00:11:42,741 --> 00:11:44,041
He said there was something
in his eye, and there was.
329
00:11:44,109 --> 00:11:45,376
And it was one of his long
and beautiful eyelashes.
330
00:11:45,444 --> 00:11:46,277
Don't beat him!
331
00:11:46,344 --> 00:11:48,212
- Bow, calm down!
- Okay.
332
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:49,713
The boy still thinks hiding is a game,
333
00:11:49,789 --> 00:11:51,924
- and he has to learn his lesson.
- Okay.
334
00:11:51,983 --> 00:11:53,084
If we back out now,
335
00:11:53,151 --> 00:11:54,452
we might as well go up there
and tell our kids
336
00:11:54,519 --> 00:11:57,168
that their mommy and daddy
are punk-ass bitches.
337
00:11:58,055 --> 00:12:00,056
You're right. You're right.
338
00:12:00,058 --> 00:12:01,457
We can do this.
339
00:12:03,495 --> 00:12:04,562
This is going to happen!
340
00:12:04,629 --> 00:12:05,963
The whupping is a go!
341
00:12:06,031 --> 00:12:07,465
Oh, no.
342
00:12:07,532 --> 00:12:08,566
You weren't cute enough.
343
00:12:08,633 --> 00:12:10,267
Impossible.
344
00:12:10,335 --> 00:12:11,933
What are we gonna do?
345
00:12:13,738 --> 00:12:15,840
We have one last move.
346
00:12:17,809 --> 00:12:21,212
Dre, can I talk to you for a minute?
347
00:12:21,279 --> 00:12:22,746
Yeah, what's up, pops?
348
00:12:22,814 --> 00:12:23,681
I want to show you something.
349
00:12:23,748 --> 00:12:25,816
Mm-hmm. Recognize this?
350
00:12:25,884 --> 00:12:26,917
Oh, my God.
351
00:12:28,186 --> 00:12:29,820
Is that that piece of hot wheels track
352
00:12:29,888 --> 00:12:30,888
you used to beat me with?
353
00:12:30,956 --> 00:12:32,223
Mm-hmm.
354
00:12:32,290 --> 00:12:34,091
You kept that all these years, huh?
355
00:12:34,159 --> 00:12:35,292
Every time I got ready to throw it out,
356
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,761
you'd do something stupid.
357
00:12:37,829 --> 00:12:39,330
Oh, yeah.
358
00:12:39,397 --> 00:12:41,232
Relax, son. I-I want you to have it.
359
00:12:41,299 --> 00:12:42,867
It's really the perfect thing.
360
00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:44,168
I mean, there's nothing better
361
00:12:44,236 --> 00:12:45,769
than beating someone
with something they love.
362
00:12:45,837 --> 00:12:47,571
Jack does not love that, pops.
363
00:12:47,639 --> 00:12:50,107
Hell, kids don't even play
with those anymore.
364
00:12:50,175 --> 00:12:51,408
Well, beat him
with something I love, then.
365
00:12:51,476 --> 00:12:55,579
I love this because I used
to beat you with it.
366
00:12:58,450 --> 00:13:00,651
Mm.
367
00:13:00,719 --> 00:13:02,319
How many white Russians have you had?
368
00:13:02,387 --> 00:13:04,588
Irrelevant. But a lot.
369
00:13:06,858 --> 00:13:08,259
Okay, now, look,
370
00:13:08,326 --> 00:13:09,760
I may need you to block the door,
371
00:13:09,828 --> 00:13:11,061
because Jack is real slippery.
372
00:13:11,129 --> 00:13:12,396
All right, kind of quick.
373
00:13:12,464 --> 00:13:14,475
- Rodent-fast.
- Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
374
00:13:14,477 --> 00:13:16,267
Did you just compare our son to a rat?
375
00:13:16,334 --> 00:13:17,902
I didn't say rat. I said rodent.
376
00:13:17,969 --> 00:13:19,537
Which includes your squirrels,
your chipmunks,
377
00:13:19,604 --> 00:13:20,571
your prairie dogs...
378
00:13:20,639 --> 00:13:23,274
They're all so cute, like him.
379
00:13:23,341 --> 00:13:24,608
- Focus, woman!
- Okay, you're right.
380
00:13:24,676 --> 00:13:25,709
Focus!
381
00:13:25,777 --> 00:13:27,311
You're right.
382
00:13:27,379 --> 00:13:29,180
Chupacabra, chupacabra.
383
00:13:29,247 --> 00:13:30,981
Also probably a rodent.
384
00:13:31,049 --> 00:13:32,650
Really, 'cause I heard that...
385
00:13:32,717 --> 00:13:34,518
What are you doing?
386
00:13:34,586 --> 00:13:35,786
Move.
387
00:13:35,854 --> 00:13:37,555
You're not spanking my brother.
388
00:13:37,622 --> 00:13:38,889
Yeah!
389
00:13:38,957 --> 00:13:42,193
You're not spanking her brother... sss.
390
00:13:42,260 --> 00:13:45,696
If you whup Jack,
you have to whup all of us.
391
00:13:45,764 --> 00:13:48,232
Fine, I'll whup all four of you.
392
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:49,266
Okay, um...
393
00:13:49,334 --> 00:13:50,734
Mm-hmm. Who's going first? Huh?
394
00:13:51,703 --> 00:13:53,304
Uh-oh.
395
00:13:53,371 --> 00:13:56,440
Junior, you picked a bad day
to wear shorts.
396
00:14:00,743 --> 00:14:01,843
I'm serious.
397
00:14:01,911 --> 00:14:03,512
All of you are getting an ass-whupping
398
00:14:03,579 --> 00:14:05,814
if Jack isn't in my room in five minutes.
399
00:14:05,882 --> 00:14:08,617
Guys, that's like 300 mississippis.
400
00:14:08,684 --> 00:14:10,819
We better go.
401
00:14:10,887 --> 00:14:13,221
A quadruple ass-whupping?
402
00:14:14,189 --> 00:14:17,591
I don't think you have
the cardio stamina for that.
403
00:14:17,659 --> 00:14:19,059
- Oh, I don't.
- Oh.
404
00:14:19,127 --> 00:14:20,094
But it's not gonna come to that.
405
00:14:20,162 --> 00:14:20,961
- Oh, it's not?
- Mnh-mnh.
406
00:14:21,029 --> 00:14:22,096
Oh.
407
00:14:22,164 --> 00:14:23,964
What do you mean? You're selling me out?
408
00:14:24,032 --> 00:14:25,966
We're not exactly selling you out.
409
00:14:26,034 --> 00:14:29,069
We created an algorithm
to reduce collateral damage.
410
00:14:30,639 --> 00:14:31,405
What does that mean?
411
00:14:31,473 --> 00:14:33,107
We're selling you out.
412
00:14:33,175 --> 00:14:35,676
Even you, Diane? You're my twin.
413
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,711
Look, friend, we're not identical.
414
00:14:45,086 --> 00:14:48,122
This is the right thing to do.
415
00:14:48,190 --> 00:14:49,089
Right?
416
00:14:53,395 --> 00:14:54,261
Perfect.
417
00:14:58,266 --> 00:15:01,035
Wait. I can't wear this.
418
00:15:20,856 --> 00:15:21,789
Ow!
419
00:15:21,857 --> 00:15:23,724
What the hell?
420
00:15:37,072 --> 00:15:38,472
Ow!
421
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:52,086
Dead man walking!
422
00:15:54,956 --> 00:15:56,090
What are you looking at?!
423
00:15:57,683 --> 00:15:59,751
Jack, go stand over there.
424
00:16:00,428 --> 00:16:03,497
And all those clothes
aren't gonna protect you.
425
00:16:07,269 --> 00:16:08,669
I don't think I can do this.
426
00:16:08,737 --> 00:16:09,770
I don't think you should do this.
427
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:11,205
We were wrong.
428
00:16:11,273 --> 00:16:12,373
I don't think we should
429
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,375
re-introduce whupping into this house.
430
00:16:14,442 --> 00:16:15,309
What's the worst thing that could happen
431
00:16:15,377 --> 00:16:16,477
if we don't whup him?
432
00:16:19,915 --> 00:16:22,383
I'm homeless because you didn't whup me.
433
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,655
What's the worst thing
that could happen if we do?
434
00:16:30,592 --> 00:16:35,296
I'm homeless because you whupped me.
435
00:16:35,363 --> 00:16:37,398
So, let's not whup him.
436
00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:39,133
It'd be nice for him to have a dog.
437
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,234
I don't know.
438
00:16:40,302 --> 00:16:42,369
I hate when homeless people have dogs.
439
00:16:42,437 --> 00:16:44,738
I never know who I'm giving
my half-eaten sandwich to.
440
00:16:44,806 --> 00:16:45,573
That's true.
441
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:46,840
Plus, you know what?
442
00:16:46,908 --> 00:16:48,609
I honestly don't think
Jack is responsible enough
443
00:16:48,677 --> 00:16:49,577
to take care of a dog.
444
00:16:49,644 --> 00:16:51,078
What are you all talking about?
445
00:16:51,146 --> 00:16:52,446
Quit stalling.
446
00:16:52,514 --> 00:16:53,514
God, I hate this.
447
00:16:53,582 --> 00:16:54,648
It's not who I am.
448
00:16:54,716 --> 00:16:56,483
- Well, it's who I am!
- No...
449
00:16:56,551 --> 00:16:57,885
I'm gonna do you a favor, son.
450
00:16:59,154 --> 00:17:00,154
I'm gonna whup him for you. What?
451
00:17:00,221 --> 00:17:01,488
Bow, get the other children.
452
00:17:01,556 --> 00:17:02,389
I think it's very important
that they see this.
453
00:17:02,457 --> 00:17:03,724
Hey, pops.
454
00:17:03,792 --> 00:17:05,359
I'm not gonna let you spank my son.
455
00:17:08,296 --> 00:17:11,198
All right. I'll do it.
456
00:17:11,266 --> 00:17:13,434
Hey.
457
00:17:13,501 --> 00:17:15,402
So, this is where we started.
458
00:17:15,470 --> 00:17:18,439
I'm about to whup my kid
because I love him
459
00:17:18,506 --> 00:17:21,375
and don't want anything bad
to happen to him.
460
00:17:21,443 --> 00:17:22,610
Wait a minute.
461
00:17:22,677 --> 00:17:24,411
How messed up is that?
462
00:17:28,249 --> 00:17:29,516
Sit down.
463
00:17:36,057 --> 00:17:37,291
Look, dude.
464
00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:39,760
You can never hide again.
465
00:17:39,828 --> 00:17:41,662
I know you think it's funny,
466
00:17:41,730 --> 00:17:44,565
but you're my little man,
and it's terrifying.
467
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:46,166
All right, you can't do this to me.
468
00:17:46,234 --> 00:17:47,001
Do you understand?
469
00:17:47,068 --> 00:17:49,336
Yes.
470
00:17:54,676 --> 00:17:57,745
Are you looking
for hiding places right now?!
471
00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:00,147
Yes.
472
00:18:00,215 --> 00:18:02,349
What is wrong with you?!
473
00:18:02,417 --> 00:18:04,351
We keep telling you
that you can't do this,
474
00:18:04,419 --> 00:18:05,953
but yet you keep doing it.
475
00:18:07,522 --> 00:18:09,623
I'm really disappointed in you, Jack.
476
00:18:13,161 --> 00:18:15,863
I didn't mean to disappoint you, daddy.
477
00:18:22,904 --> 00:18:24,672
Daddy said I disappointed him!
478
00:18:24,739 --> 00:18:27,341
Aww, come here to pa-pa, baby boy.
479
00:18:27,409 --> 00:18:29,576
I told you to spank him,
not crush his spirit.
480
00:18:31,112 --> 00:18:33,414
Your daddy is a monster.
481
00:18:36,885 --> 00:18:39,319
Oh, no, it happened. Whupping's back.
482
00:18:39,387 --> 00:18:41,255
Oh, I'm so screwed.
483
00:18:41,322 --> 00:18:42,856
Uh, I'm gonna go clean my room.
484
00:18:42,924 --> 00:18:44,358
Yeah, good idea.
485
00:18:44,426 --> 00:18:46,126
I'm gonna... I'm gonna tell dad
486
00:18:46,194 --> 00:18:47,995
he's handsome and that I love him.
487
00:18:48,063 --> 00:18:51,432
I love you, dad!
488
00:18:51,499 --> 00:18:52,933
Whoa.
489
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:56,036
Dad actually did it.
490
00:18:56,104 --> 00:18:58,505
I owe pops 50 bucks!
491
00:19:00,175 --> 00:19:04,044
So it turns out I had
another tool in my arsenal
492
00:19:04,112 --> 00:19:05,612
that's a lot more valuable than a belt...
493
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,047
My opinion.
494
00:19:07,115 --> 00:19:11,018
My kids actually care
what I think about them.
495
00:19:11,086 --> 00:19:12,119
Go figure.
496
00:19:12,187 --> 00:19:13,020
Hey, babe.
497
00:19:13,088 --> 00:19:14,121
Hey.
498
00:19:14,189 --> 00:19:16,090
I'm so proud of you.
499
00:19:16,157 --> 00:19:17,091
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
500
00:19:17,158 --> 00:19:18,125
Thanks.
501
00:19:18,193 --> 00:19:19,793
Spanking's not for us.
502
00:19:19,861 --> 00:19:22,196
No. No, it is not.
503
00:19:22,263 --> 00:19:24,665
Not unless Jack pulls
another stunt like this,
504
00:19:24,733 --> 00:19:27,201
and then I will light that ass up.
505
00:19:27,268 --> 00:19:28,535
Whew.
506
00:19:28,603 --> 00:19:29,737
Like a Christmas tree.
507
00:19:29,804 --> 00:19:31,772
Oh, no, baby. Like Vegas from a plane.
508
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,907
Or...
509
00:19:33,975 --> 00:19:35,709
Something else that lights up.
510
00:19:36,778 --> 00:19:38,212
Good one, babe.
511
00:19:38,279 --> 00:19:40,013
- I couldn't think of anything. I panicked.
- I see.
512
00:19:40,081 --> 00:19:41,648
- Oh, no, no, no, I got one! I got one!
- Okay.
513
00:19:43,218 --> 00:19:45,753
Like a fireworks display.
514
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:46,820
Hmm.
515
00:19:46,888 --> 00:19:47,654
Mm.
516
00:19:47,722 --> 00:19:50,591
Like a... a milky way.
517
00:19:50,658 --> 00:19:52,326
- Babe?
- Uh-huh?
518
00:19:52,393 --> 00:19:53,427
We're done doing that.
519
00:19:53,495 --> 00:19:54,995
- No, I said that...
- No, we're done.
520
00:19:58,515 --> 00:20:00,591
And the beauty of it is you're never safe.
521
00:20:00,608 --> 00:20:03,853
So, take this, for example.
522
00:20:03,855 --> 00:20:06,390
Looks pretty innocent,
but what am I going to do?
523
00:20:06,457 --> 00:20:08,125
Am I gonna whip up some eggs?
524
00:20:08,192 --> 00:20:10,661
Or am I going to whip some ass?
525
00:20:10,728 --> 00:20:12,663
Or this.
526
00:20:12,730 --> 00:20:15,798
Am I going to dry some dishes?
527
00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:18,890
Or am I going to dry some tears?
528
00:20:19,977 --> 00:20:21,977
Your turn.
529
00:20:24,086 --> 00:20:28,234
Am I going to fry some bacons?
Or am I gonna cave your skull in?
530
00:20:28,485 --> 00:20:30,485
Yes. Lesson over.
531
00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,939
What have I done?
532
00:20:33,940 --> 00:20:35,940
sync and correction by solfieri
www.MY-SUBS.com
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