All language subtitles for American Dad s22e09 Where The Wild Boars Are.eng

?

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ?

? And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ?

? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

Aah!

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

And to conclude this tour
of my wine yard,

a brief toast.

To the lowly grape,
a simple berry for peasants

named by the Romans,
of course,

after Hanna-Barbera's
childish oaf, Grape Ape.

Believe it or not, I was once
like the lowly grape myself -

young, naive, full of juice.

Until that special summer
I learned to make wine.

I was at that age when summer
means one thing -

playin' in the woods!
[ Harp plays ]

I'm gonna go play
in the woods, babe!

I'll do my chores later!
What? You don't do chores!

Old Jeff:
The fastest way to the woods

was through Mr. Tuttle's
backyard.

Careful, Jeffrey!

I love my lawn and consider her
to be my beautiful green wife!

Hose water's
good and rusty today!

[ Music builds, slows ]
[ Birds chirping ]

In the woods,
I could do anything.

Like find a really cool stick!

And use it to whack trees!

I could even throw it
like a boomerang.

[ Grunts ]

And, of course, there was
other stuff to do in the woods.

This is gonna be good.

Worms!

Oh, Mama!

Don't mind me.

Just converting this old shack
into a bang shed.

It's like a gummy worm
on steroids!

Great question, Jeff.

A bang shed is a small,
filthy, abandoned structure

famously used as a place
to have hot sex in the woods.

I strategically
placed this

to rile you up
for a roll in the shed.

Not with me.
I'm just the caretaker.

But it would mean a lot
to me

if you'd fornicate
on this pee-soaked mattress.

It's my pee.

[ Boar grunting, squealing ]
[ Screams ]

Babe, I saw the monster in
the woods again, and it was -

Why are you all
dressed up?

We're going to a steak house
for Dad's half-birthday.

I...must've forgotten
to tell you. Can I come?

Ohh.
I don't know, babe.

You have sap on your hands.
You smell like worms.

Wouldn't you be happier
staying home

and watching "Oliver & Company"
with Rogu?

Dog.
A dog!

Billy Joel shines
in role.

I'll stay here.
Have fun, babe!

You took that well, Jeff.
Took what well?

Hayley obviously
didn't want you to go.

She thinks of you as a boy.

No duh.
She's seen my penis.

No. A little boy.

Isn't it possible
she likes me

despite my many quirks
and faults?

No. Wifeys want their hubbies
to be mature, adult men.

Or fish.

If you don't grow up soon,
she'll divorce you - or worse.

What's worse
than the big D?

The twisted C -
getting cuckolded.

That's when you're
such a little boy,

your wife goes out
and bonks some other dude.

That's not appropriate
for me to hear, Mr. Klaus.

What's not appropriate
is lying in the hall

while Hayley's headboard goes
bonk, bonk, bonk.

Before long,
"Tell-Tale Heart"-style

phantom bonks
will drive you up the wall!

I don't want any of that!
Then be a man.

Or else it's...What's that
I hear under the floorboards?

The ghost
of a brutal cuckolding?

Bonk. Bonk. Bonk.
Bonk!

I'll show you I'm a man.

I'll run away crying...
[ Sobs ]

...and never come back
forever!

[ Sobs ]
Never!

[ Sobs ]
Ever!

[ Thunder crashing ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Sobbing ]

[ Growls ]
[ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

Stop coming alive, you trees.

[ Snarling ]
[ Thunder crashes ]

The monster.
I got to hide!

[ Music builds, slows ]

Dear Mr. God,
please help me become a man.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Get lost, you bum!

This shed is only
for dirty woodland humping.

No solo play.

[ Birds chirping,
kettle whistling ]

What's that sound?

[ Whistling continues ]

Someone forgot to turn off
their Cuppa Noodles machine.

Hello? Hello?

I'm gonna break in!
Please don't shoot me too much.

Man: [ Italian accent ]
Help me! Help-a me!

Don't worry!
An intruder's coming!

[ Man groaning ]

Oh, God! The toilet's gone mad!
It's eating him alive!

I slipped a-getting out of the
tub and a-got wedged back here.

Help-a me!
I'm going to yank you out.

You're so old.

I hope you don't pull apart
like roast chicken, mister.

[ Both grunting ]

Please, call-a me Bing.

You look amazing,
Mr. Bing!

Way better
than you did naked.

Name's-a just Bing.

Like-a the cherry.
Like-a the Crosby.

And thank-a you.

Even at home, a man
should-a dress to impress.

Do you have any juice?
No.

A man has tea
to calm-a the nerves.

Drink.

Jeffrey, I'm a hermit.
Do you know what that means?

Of course.
You're a crab.

It means I don't go out.
I don't have friends.

If you hadn't
a-found me,

I'd have died
on the bathroom floor.

Every crab's nightmare.

Hey. How did you hear
my kettle anyway?

I was out in the woods...
where I like to play.

Playin' in the woods-a.

I haven't a-played in-a
the woods since I was a boy.

And even then,
I didn't.

I know.
I'm like a little boy!

You're not a-like a boy.
You are a boy.

A golden halo of innocence
surrounds you.

[ Growling in distance ]
The monster!

Ha.
Like a-Frankenstein?

Is that what-a you fear?
Oh, Jeffrey.

Frankenstein hasn't a-been
a-seen in these woods for years.

Come-a with me.

[ Boar sniffing ]
Your monster is a-just a wild boar.

Oh!
It's just the monster

from the Boar's Head
deli-meat packages!

And a-look.
He's a-found wild grapes.

Get! You big galoot!
[ Boar squealing ]

We could make wine
with these.

Mr. Bing, you look good,
you smell good,

you know about wine!

Please make me into a man
like you!

Becoming a man
takes-a time.

How much time?
Are we done?

I'll a-teach a-you
what I know.

But it's a shame
in a way.

Because in-a becoming a man,
you will lose your innocence.

I know I did.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]

One last worm
before I'm a man.

This one's name
is Worm-O! [ Harp plays ]

Thus began my lessons
with Bing.

And what became
of Worm-O?

Well, just a few minutes later,
I flung him high into the air.

Now can we drink?
No.

Bing had agreed to teach me
how to be a man.

And as it turns out, aging a boy
is a lot like aging a wine.

[ Harp plays ]
Bing: First a-rule -

Aging a boy is a-nothing
like-a aging a wine.

Second rule -
Men take-a baths.

Life is a battle, and a-smelling
good is your greatest weapon.

That's why they're called
bath a-bombs! Aah!

When I was a-young, I'd-a paint
my whole body purple,

privates included.

Then I'd-a hide in-a the grapes
so the women would stomp on me,

privates included.

I don't want to hear
about this.

Okay. Okay.
A man a-needs boundaries.

Speaking of boundaries,

I ask-a you not to enter
this room.

It's full of memories
from-a my...old life.

Oh! In your old life,
were you a crooner?

You think-a all Bings
are crooners?

Come on.

Just a-stop trying to go
in-a my secret room, okay?

Wha-
I didn't even know about it!

Fine.
I forgive you.

Just a-don't let me
catch you again.

?

Things look good.
The mattress is utterly FUBAR.

The shed is ready for sex.
Raccoons?!

Ah. One's going for
the Playboys.

Here we go!

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

This a-style is called
sprezzatura.

It-a means
"effortless grace."

In loafers,
a man can't help but walk

with a certain...
nonchalance.

Try it.
Nonchalant with-a me, baby.

[ Up-tempo introduction plays ]

? He's a boy,
he's a boy ?

? He's a beautiful-a
boy ?

? But he wears loafers
like a man ?

? I'm a boy, I'm a boy,
but I'm coming of age ?

? Hey, watch out
for that space ?

? And watch out
for this room ?

? Don't you go
in this place ?

I wasn't trying to!
Good! A-keep it that way.

? He's a boy, he's a boy,
he's a beautiful boy ?

? One day he'll be
a beautiful man ?

[ Music ends ]

That was a great song,

but I somehow have sap
on my hands again.

One word -
extravirginoliveoil!

My hands are so clean, they
look like a picture of hands.

What is this stuff?

You never heard of
olive oil?

What's a boy eat?
Little nuggets?

I eat whatever
babe makes me.

Another rule -
A man serves others.

And there's-a nothing
better to serve-a

than a simple
tomato sandwich.

Good tomato, good oil,
and-a good salt.

Sea salt.

I only use Eastern Caspian
sea salt.

If you try to use
Western Caspian sea salt,

well, it's-a just not
Eastern.

I think I'm a man,
Mr. Bing.

I just hammered a cork into
a bunghole without laughing.

[ Laughing ]
That much.

You're not a man yet.

But maybe it is time
for you to go.

Especially since I just got
an Amber Alert

that-a matches
your description.

You haven't been checking in
with a-nobody?

Jeff!
Where have you been?!

I've been making for you,
with sap-free hands,

a simple
tomato sandwich.

How did you do that?
Are you wearing Heelys?

[ Sniffs ]
Babe, you smell incredible.

An old man bathed me.
Excuse me?

Mmm.
This sando is on point.

Ho-ho!
Look at this man!

Maybe the bonking
is off the table.

I am a man!
I got to go tell Bing!

Klaus, did you tell Jeff he
was gonna get cuckolded again?

I just told him a bit
about the history of the term.

Mr. Bing, I think I'm a -
Guns?

These are a good guy's guns,
right?

You might want to sit down
a-for this, Jeffrey.

Have-a some tea.

The boar has become
a problem.

And when-a there's
a problem,

a man doesn't-a stop
until it's a-solved.

Y-You don't mean...

I have to shoot the boar.

W-What did he do wrong?

Did he do a big fart
like Pumbaa?

He didn't a-fart
like-a Pumbaa.

He's eating the grapes
we need for next year's wine.

So he must-a be eliminated and
made into a simple boar rag�.

I'm sorry.
[ Sniffs ]

I guess I'm not a man
after all.

You may not be
a man a-yet,

but when you are,
you can-a still cry.

A man can always cry.

I think it's time I show you
that-a locked room

you've been
so obsessed with.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Jeffrey, the truth-a is...

I used to be a hit man
for the Bingoni Mafia.

You did all these?

The hits were problems
I was good at solving.

I was so good, they had-a me
change my first name

to Bingoni -
Bing for short.

My last name is-a Goon,

so I'm Bingoni Goon
and a Bingoni goon.

And before-a my family name
got-a shortened at Ellis Island,

it was Bingonigoon, which,
believe it or not, in English,

means "Bingoni goon."

You murdered people!
I did.

But when my last hit got away,
I left the Mafia in shame.

They could've made you sleep
with a fish!

But that part of my life
is-a over.

Especially since-a you
came along.

When I met you,
I was stuck behind a toilet.

Now I feel like I could throw
a toilet at the moon!

Hey, that's Mr. Tuttle!

You know this man?

He lives just across the woods
from you.

I cut through his yard.
Mr. Tuttle loves his yard.

Look!

Yeah.
He didn't disappear.

He's just in the witness
protection program.

What?
He told you this?

A man hears things.

Jeffrey, would you like-a
to kill-a the boar?

No, no. I couldn't.
Not Pumbaa!

Too pure
to kill-a Pumbaa.

Now go.

I'll call you when the wine
is a-ready.

And here.
Take-a this.

I knew it!
You were a crooner!

I'm a-not a crooner.
That's Bay Area-style rap.

And if you need more space,
there's a hollow log out back

you can make into an ABU -
additional bang unit.

How much are you asking,
Roger? Nothing.

Do you provide
the sex partner? It's not a brothel.

Would you negotiate
on the price?

It's free, damn it!
Please just go have sex!

I've sunk too much time
and money into this!

No, thank you.
Not for me.

No.

[ Birds chirping ]

Hog poison?
Weird.

Mr. Bing said he was gonna shoot
the boar.

Come in!
The wine is a-ready.

Ta-da!

I thought we'd bottle it
together.

Ah, bottling is overrated.

It is?
By who?

The bottlers.

Hey, Mr. Bing,
you shot the boar, right?

You didn't strangle it
or...poison it?

Of course I shot it.

Oh. Okay.
It's just...

I see.

Because I killed
a bunch of a-people,

you think I'm-a
some psycho.

Look. To prove to you I've put
that life a-behind me,

I want to reach out-a
to the community,

share our wine.

We could go door to door
together!

Ooh. [ Exhales sharply ]
You'll have to deliver it alone.

My old between-a-the-tub-
and-a-toilet injuries

are acting up again.

Uh, you were just dancing around
like Fred Astaire.

And where's Fred Astaire now?
Dead.

Now, a-somewhere here is a
very special bottle for Tuttle.

Mr. Tuttle?
Why Mr. Tuttle?

He might-a be afraid of me on
account of the Mafia connection.

I want to extend
an olive branch.

Is this it?
No!

This one.

It's the only
green one.

A nod to his curvaceous,
herbaceous green lawn.

Mr. Bing, you don't want to...
kill Mr. Tuttle, do you?

What? Kill?
I don't kill anymore.

I won't even a-listen
to The Killers.

Except-a
"Mr. Brightside."

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

?

Old Jeff:
As I walked to Mr. Tuttle's,

my head was swimming
with thoughts, like,

"Did Bing poison the wine?"

And if I delivered it,
would that make me a murderer?

And, "I wish I hadn't gotten
so high this morning."

Then I remembered a few of
Grape Ape's antics and chuckled.

[ Laughs ]

But mostly I was thinking about
whether the wine was poisoned.

Hold those glasses up,
up, up!

We're nearly
at the end!

I returned to my mentor after
taking the wine to Tuttle's.

Old Jeff: I had made the most
difficult decision of my life.

Geez, Jeffrey.
You've gone as pale as a sheet.

Did you see something in
that bang shed that spooked you?

There's never anything
going on in the bang shed.

I feel-a sorry
for that weird a-little man.

He's been working
his tail off.

Oh. He sees me.
He's beckoning me over.

No, thank-a you!

He's making a-kissy faces.
Okay.

He's a-swallowing a whole
a-banana, humping-a the air.

He's really throwing
the kitchen sink at me here.

Wow. Now he's a-rolling out
a vibrating saddle.

What would he even
a-plug that into?

Oh!
He's a-showing me the generator.

[ Engine starts ]

Lot of smoke a-coming out
of that thing.

[ Engine sputters, stops ]
Out of gas.

And a-now he's a-crying.

Jeff:
Let's have some tea.

[ Slurps ]
So, how did it go with Tuttle?

[ Slurps ]

He was happy to see me,
a trusted friend.

Oh, wonderful.
And-a the wine?

Was he happy to see
the trusted wine?

Mr. Bing...
did you poison Tuttle's wine?

[ Gasps ] Poison Tuttle?
Of course-a not!

I would no sooner poison Tuttle
than use that creepy man's shed.

Roger: I heard that
through my binoculars!

[ Engine starts ]
Ooh! I'm happy again -

Jeff, believe me.

I did-a not a-poison
Tuttle's wine.

[ Sighs ]
That's a relief.

Hey. Let's-a finally open
some of our wine.

I want to taste it.

You already are!

I put some of Tuttle's wine
in your tea

in case you did
poison it.

Isn't that hilarious?

Why would you do that,
Jeffrey?

I knew if you made up
your mind to kill him,

you'd never stop trying.

You said it yourself -

A man doesn't stop
until a problem is solved.

[ Gasping ]
I need-a some air.

Roger: Solo play is health-
y-y-y-y-y-y! [ Engine chugging ]

[ Coughing ]

What's the big deal?
You didn't poison it, right?

I did!
I did a-poison it!

With enough hog poison
to poison every hog

from here
to Poison Hog City.

I'm-a gonna die!

What?! Oh, God!
What have I done?!

You saw a problem,

and you didn't-a stop
until you solved it.

You know what that
makes a-you?

A man.

And since you're a man,
I don't have to feel-a bad...

about killing you.
[ Gun clicks ]

Sorry, Bing.

I took out all the bullets
from your secret guns.

I'm-a so proud of you.

But I bet you didn't find-a
the one in my sock.

[ Gun clicks ]
I got that one too.

You get the one
in the freezer?

[ Gun clicks ]
Yep.

Cereal box?
Yep.

Microwave?
Yep.

Inside the
hollowed-out loaf

of rustic
ciabatta bread? Yep.

The gun
behind the toilet?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Why did you have to send me
to kill Tuttle?!

[ Grunts ]

Because a-nobody
would ever suspect a man

of using a boy
to kill a man!

[ Gagging ]
I suspected it!

Can't you throw up
the poison?!

[ Crunching ]
[ Screams ]

I win!
I'm a-gonna get the gun - Aah!

Ah!
I'm-a stuck.

Full circle, huh,
Jeffrey?

If I pull you out,
will you still try to kill me?

Yes.

Then I have to leave you
trapped here, Bing.

[ Voice breaking ]
Exactly what a man would do!

Go, my beautiful man!
Go!

[ Sobbing ]

Babe! I've been looking
all over for you!

I'm a man!
[ Sobs ]

Oh, yeah?
Want to show me? [ Harp plays ]

And then I had sex with my wife
in the bang shed.

Wow. Did anyone find
Bing's body?

No. A bunch of wild boars
ran in and ate him alive.

Cheers!

B

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Can you believe
all those years ago,

someone was trying
to kill me?

That was interesting
to you?

I was mostly drawn
to the bang-shed parts.

What a challenge
that was.

Sadly, those walls
didn't stand for long.

Demolished later that summer
by an 0.4 earthquake.

Nothing I could do
except go to court.

You might be familiar
with my landmark lawsuit,

General Napoleon
Bonerparts

vs. The United States
Geological Survey.

It made the papers.

"Creep Laughed Out
of Court."

Oh, that's just the headline.
Keep reading.

It gets worse.
[ Boar squealing ]

You better lawyer up,
boar!

Napoleon Bonerparts
will see you in court!

Bye!
Have a beautiful time!

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