Original subtitles

?

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ?

? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

Aah!

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

And to conclude this tour of my wine yard,

a brief toast.

To the lowly grape, a simple berry for peasants

named by the Romans, of course,

after Hanna-Barbera's childish oaf, Grape Ape.

Believe it or not, I was once like the lowly grape myself -

young, naive, full of juice.

Until that special summer I learned to make wine.

I was at that age when summer means one thing -

playin' in the woods! [ Harp plays ]

I'm gonna go play in the woods, babe!

I'll do my chores later! What? You don't do chores!

Old Jeff: The fastest way to the woods

was through Mr. Tuttle's backyard.

Careful, Jeffrey!

I love my lawn and consider her to be my beautiful green wife!

Hose water's good and rusty today!

[ Music builds, slows ] [ Birds chirping ]

In the woods, I could do anything.

Like find a really cool stick!

And use it to whack trees!

I could even throw it like a boomerang.

[ Grunts ]

And, of course, there was other stuff to do in the woods.

This is gonna be good.

Worms!

Oh, Mama!

Don't mind me.

Just converting this old shack into a bang shed.

It's like a gummy worm on steroids!

Great question, Jeff.

A bang shed is a small, filthy, abandoned structure

famously used as a place to have hot sex in the woods.

I strategically placed this

to rile you up for a roll in the shed.

Not with me. I'm just the caretaker.

But it would mean a lot to me

if you'd fornicate on this pee-soaked mattress.

It's my pee.

[ Boar grunting, squealing ] [ Screams ]

Babe, I saw the monster in the woods again, and it was -

Why are you all dressed up?

We're going to a steak house for Dad's half-birthday.

I...must've forgotten to tell you. Can I come?

Ohh. I don't know, babe.

You have sap on your hands. You smell like worms.

Wouldn't you be happier staying home

and watching "Oliver & Company" with Rogu?

Dog. A dog!

Billy Joel shines in role.

I'll stay here. Have fun, babe!

You took that well, Jeff. Took what well?

Hayley obviously didn't want you to go.

She thinks of you as a boy.

No duh. She's seen my penis.

No. A little boy.

Isn't it possible she likes me

despite my many quirks and faults?

No. Wifeys want their hubbies to be mature, adult men.

Or fish.

If you don't grow up soon, she'll divorce you - or worse.

What's worse than the big D?

The twisted C - getting cuckolded.

That's when you're such a little boy,

your wife goes out and bonks some other dude.

That's not appropriate for me to hear, Mr. Klaus.

What's not appropriate is lying in the hall

while Hayley's headboard goes bonk, bonk, bonk.

Before long, "Tell-Tale Heart"-style

phantom bonks will drive you up the wall!

I don't want any of that! Then be a man.

Or else it's...What's that I hear under the floorboards?

The ghost of a brutal cuckolding?

Bonk. Bonk. Bonk. Bonk!

I'll show you I'm a man.

I'll run away crying... [ Sobs ]

...and never come back forever!

[ Sobs ] Never!

[ Sobs ] Ever!

[ Thunder crashing ] [ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Sobbing ]

[ Growls ] [ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

Stop coming alive, you trees.

[ Snarling ] [ Thunder crashes ]

The monster. I got to hide!

[ Music builds, slows ]

Dear Mr. God, please help me become a man.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Get lost, you bum!

This shed is only for dirty woodland humping.

No solo play.

[ Birds chirping, kettle whistling ]

What's that sound?

[ Whistling continues ]

Someone forgot to turn off their Cuppa Noodles machine.

Hello? Hello?

I'm gonna break in! Please don't shoot me too much.

Man: [ Italian accent ] Help me! Help-a me!

Don't worry! An intruder's coming!

[ Man groaning ]

Oh, God! The toilet's gone mad! It's eating him alive!

I slipped a-getting out of the tub and a-got wedged back here.

Help-a me! I'm going to yank you out.

You're so old.

I hope you don't pull apart like roast chicken, mister.

[ Both grunting ]

Please, call-a me Bing.

You look amazing, Mr. Bing!

Way better than you did naked.

Name's-a just Bing.

Like-a the cherry. Like-a the Crosby.

And thank-a you.

Even at home, a man should-a dress to impress.

Do you have any juice? No.

A man has tea to calm-a the nerves.

Drink.

Jeffrey, I'm a hermit. Do you know what that means?

Of course. You're a crab.

It means I don't go out. I don't have friends.

If you hadn't a-found me,

I'd have died on the bathroom floor.

Every crab's nightmare.

Hey. How did you hear my kettle anyway?

I was out in the woods... where I like to play.

Playin' in the woods-a.

I haven't a-played in-a the woods since I was a boy.

And even then, I didn't.

I know. I'm like a little boy!

You're not a-like a boy. You are a boy.

A golden halo of innocence surrounds you.

[ Growling in distance ] The monster!

Ha. Like a-Frankenstein?

Is that what-a you fear? Oh, Jeffrey.

Frankenstein hasn't a-been a-seen in these woods for years.

Come-a with me.

[ Boar sniffing ] Your monster is a-just a wild boar.

Oh! It's just the monster

from the Boar's Head deli-meat packages!

And a-look. He's a-found wild grapes.

Get! You big galoot! [ Boar squealing ]

We could make wine with these.

Mr. Bing, you look good, you smell good,

you know about wine!

Please make me into a man like you!

Becoming a man takes-a time.

How much time? Are we done?

I'll a-teach a-you what I know.

But it's a shame in a way.

Because in-a becoming a man, you will lose your innocence.

I know I did. [ Down-tempo music plays ]

One last worm before I'm a man.

This one's name is Worm-O! [ Harp plays ]

Thus began my lessons with Bing.

And what became of Worm-O?

Well, just a few minutes later, I flung him high into the air.

Now can we drink? No.

Bing had agreed to teach me how to be a man.

And as it turns out, aging a boy is a lot like aging a wine.

[ Harp plays ] Bing: First a-rule -

Aging a boy is a-nothing like-a aging a wine.

Second rule - Men take-a baths.

Life is a battle, and a-smelling good is your greatest weapon.

That's why they're called bath a-bombs! Aah!

When I was a-young, I'd-a paint my whole body purple,

privates included.

Then I'd-a hide in-a the grapes so the women would stomp on me,

privates included.

I don't want to hear about this.

Okay. Okay. A man a-needs boundaries.

Speaking of boundaries,

I ask-a you not to enter this room.

It's full of memories from-a my...old life.

Oh! In your old life, were you a crooner?

You think-a all Bings are crooners?

Come on.

Just a-stop trying to go in-a my secret room, okay?

Wha- I didn't even know about it!

Fine. I forgive you.

Just a-don't let me catch you again.

?

Things look good. The mattress is utterly FUBAR.

The shed is ready for sex. Raccoons?!

Ah. One's going for the Playboys.

Here we go!

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

This a-style is called sprezzatura.

It-a means "effortless grace."

In loafers, a man can't help but walk

with a certain... nonchalance.

Try it. Nonchalant with-a me, baby.

[ Up-tempo introduction plays ]

? He's a boy, he's a boy ?

? He's a beautiful-a boy ?

? But he wears loafers like a man ?

? I'm a boy, I'm a boy, but I'm coming of age ?

? Hey, watch out for that space ?

? And watch out for this room ?

? Don't you go in this place ?

I wasn't trying to! Good! A-keep it that way.

? He's a boy, he's a boy, he's a beautiful boy ?

? One day he'll be a beautiful man ?

[ Music ends ]

That was a great song,

but I somehow have sap on my hands again.

One word - extravirginoliveoil!

My hands are so clean, they look like a picture of hands.

What is this stuff?

You never heard of olive oil?

What's a boy eat? Little nuggets?

I eat whatever babe makes me.

Another rule - A man serves others.

And there's-a nothing better to serve-a

than a simple tomato sandwich.

Good tomato, good oil, and-a good salt.

Sea salt.

I only use Eastern Caspian sea salt.

If you try to use Western Caspian sea salt,

well, it's-a just not Eastern.

I think I'm a man, Mr. Bing.

I just hammered a cork into a bunghole without laughing.

[ Laughing ] That much.

You're not a man yet.

But maybe it is time for you to go.

Especially since I just got an Amber Alert

that-a matches your description.

You haven't been checking in with a-nobody?

Jeff! Where have you been?!

I've been making for you, with sap-free hands,

a simple tomato sandwich.

How did you do that? Are you wearing Heelys?

[ Sniffs ] Babe, you smell incredible.

An old man bathed me. Excuse me?

Mmm. This sando is on point.

Ho-ho! Look at this man!

Maybe the bonking is off the table.

I am a man! I got to go tell Bing!

Klaus, did you tell Jeff he was gonna get cuckolded again?

I just told him a bit about the history of the term.

Mr. Bing, I think I'm a - Guns?

These are a good guy's guns, right?

You might want to sit down a-for this, Jeffrey.

Have-a some tea.

The boar has become a problem.

And when-a there's a problem,

a man doesn't-a stop until it's a-solved.

Y-You don't mean...

I have to shoot the boar.

W-What did he do wrong?

Did he do a big fart like Pumbaa?

He didn't a-fart like-a Pumbaa.

He's eating the grapes we need for next year's wine.

So he must-a be eliminated and made into a simple boar rag�.

I'm sorry. [ Sniffs ]

I guess I'm not a man after all.

You may not be a man a-yet,

but when you are, you can-a still cry.

A man can always cry.

I think it's time I show you that-a locked room

you've been so obsessed with.

[ Down-tempo music plays ] Jeffrey, the truth-a is...

I used to be a hit man for the Bingoni Mafia.

You did all these?

The hits were problems I was good at solving.

I was so good, they had-a me change my first name

to Bingoni - Bing for short.

My last name is-a Goon,

so I'm Bingoni Goon and a Bingoni goon.

And before-a my family name got-a shortened at Ellis Island,

it was Bingonigoon, which, believe it or not, in English,

means "Bingoni goon."

You murdered people! I did.

But when my last hit got away, I left the Mafia in shame.

They could've made you sleep with a fish!

But that part of my life is-a over.

Especially since-a you came along.

When I met you, I was stuck behind a toilet.

Now I feel like I could throw a toilet at the moon!

Hey, that's Mr. Tuttle!

You know this man?

He lives just across the woods from you.

I cut through his yard. Mr. Tuttle loves his yard.

Look!

Yeah. He didn't disappear.

He's just in the witness protection program.

What? He told you this?

A man hears things.

Jeffrey, would you like-a to kill-a the boar?

No, no. I couldn't. Not Pumbaa!

Too pure to kill-a Pumbaa.

Now go.

I'll call you when the wine is a-ready.

And here. Take-a this.

I knew it! You were a crooner!

I'm a-not a crooner. That's Bay Area-style rap.

And if you need more space, there's a hollow log out back

you can make into an ABU - additional bang unit.

How much are you asking, Roger? Nothing.

Do you provide the sex partner? It's not a brothel.

Would you negotiate on the price?

It's free, damn it! Please just go have sex!

I've sunk too much time and money into this!

No, thank you. Not for me.

No.

[ Birds chirping ]

Hog poison? Weird.

Mr. Bing said he was gonna shoot the boar.

Come in! The wine is a-ready.

Ta-da!

I thought we'd bottle it together.

Ah, bottling is overrated.

It is? By who?

The bottlers.

Hey, Mr. Bing, you shot the boar, right?

You didn't strangle it or...poison it?

Of course I shot it.

Oh. Okay. It's just...

I see.

Because I killed a bunch of a-people,

you think I'm-a some psycho.

Look. To prove to you I've put that life a-behind me,

I want to reach out-a to the community,

share our wine.

We could go door to door together!

Ooh. [ Exhales sharply ] You'll have to deliver it alone.

My old between-a-the-tub- and-a-toilet injuries

are acting up again.

Uh, you were just dancing around like Fred Astaire.

And where's Fred Astaire now? Dead.

Now, a-somewhere here is a very special bottle for Tuttle.

Mr. Tuttle? Why Mr. Tuttle?

He might-a be afraid of me on account of the Mafia connection.

I want to extend an olive branch.

Is this it? No!

This one.

It's the only green one.

A nod to his curvaceous, herbaceous green lawn.

Mr. Bing, you don't want to... kill Mr. Tuttle, do you?

What? Kill? I don't kill anymore.

I won't even a-listen to The Killers.

Except-a "Mr. Brightside."

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

?

Old Jeff: As I walked to Mr. Tuttle's,

my head was swimming with thoughts, like,

"Did Bing poison the wine?"

And if I delivered it, would that make me a murderer?

And, "I wish I hadn't gotten so high this morning."

Then I remembered a few of Grape Ape's antics and chuckled.

[ Laughs ]

But mostly I was thinking about whether the wine was poisoned.

Hold those glasses up, up, up!

We're nearly at the end!

I returned to my mentor after taking the wine to Tuttle's.

Old Jeff: I had made the most difficult decision of my life.

Geez, Jeffrey. You've gone as pale as a sheet.

Did you see something in that bang shed that spooked you?

There's never anything going on in the bang shed.

I feel-a sorry for that weird a-little man.

He's been working his tail off.

Oh. He sees me. He's beckoning me over.

No, thank-a you!

He's making a-kissy faces. Okay.

He's a-swallowing a whole a-banana, humping-a the air.

He's really throwing the kitchen sink at me here.

Wow. Now he's a-rolling out a vibrating saddle.

What would he even a-plug that into?

Oh! He's a-showing me the generator.

[ Engine starts ]

Lot of smoke a-coming out of that thing.

[ Engine sputters, stops ] Out of gas.

And a-now he's a-crying.

Jeff: Let's have some tea.

[ Slurps ] So, how did it go with Tuttle?

[ Slurps ]

He was happy to see me, a trusted friend.

Oh, wonderful. And-a the wine?

Was he happy to see the trusted wine?

Mr. Bing... did you poison Tuttle's wine?

[ Gasps ] Poison Tuttle? Of course-a not!

I would no sooner poison Tuttle than use that creepy man's shed.

Roger: I heard that through my binoculars!

[ Engine starts ] Ooh! I'm happy again -

Jeff, believe me.

I did-a not a-poison Tuttle's wine.

[ Sighs ] That's a relief.

Hey. Let's-a finally open some of our wine.

I want to taste it.

You already are!

I put some of Tuttle's wine in your tea

in case you did poison it.

Isn't that hilarious?

Why would you do that, Jeffrey?

I knew if you made up your mind to kill him,

you'd never stop trying.

You said it yourself -

A man doesn't stop until a problem is solved.

[ Gasping ] I need-a some air.

Roger: Solo play is health- y-y-y-y-y-y! [ Engine chugging ]

[ Coughing ]

What's the big deal? You didn't poison it, right?

I did! I did a-poison it!

With enough hog poison to poison every hog

from here to Poison Hog City.

I'm-a gonna die!

What?! Oh, God! What have I done?!

You saw a problem,

and you didn't-a stop until you solved it.

You know what that makes a-you?

A man.

And since you're a man, I don't have to feel-a bad...

about killing you. [ Gun clicks ]

Sorry, Bing.

I took out all the bullets from your secret guns.

I'm-a so proud of you.

But I bet you didn't find-a the one in my sock.

[ Gun clicks ] I got that one too.

You get the one in the freezer?

[ Gun clicks ] Yep.

Cereal box? Yep.

Microwave? Yep.

Inside the hollowed-out loaf

of rustic ciabatta bread? Yep.

The gun behind the toilet?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Why did you have to send me to kill Tuttle?!

[ Grunts ]

Because a-nobody would ever suspect a man

of using a boy to kill a man!

[ Gagging ] I suspected it!

Can't you throw up the poison?!

[ Crunching ] [ Screams ]

I win! I'm a-gonna get the gun - Aah!

Ah! I'm-a stuck.

Full circle, huh, Jeffrey?

If I pull you out, will you still try to kill me?

Yes.

Then I have to leave you trapped here, Bing.

[ Voice breaking ] Exactly what a man would do!

Go, my beautiful man! Go!

[ Sobbing ]

Babe! I've been looking all over for you!

I'm a man! [ Sobs ]

Oh, yeah? Want to show me? [ Harp plays ]

And then I had sex with my wife in the bang shed.

Wow. Did anyone find Bing's body?

No. A bunch of wild boars ran in and ate him alive.

Cheers!

B

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Can you believe all those years ago,

someone was trying to kill me?

That was interesting to you?

I was mostly drawn to the bang-shed parts.

What a challenge that was.

Sadly, those walls didn't stand for long.

Demolished later that summer by an 0.4 earthquake.

Nothing I could do except go to court.

You might be familiar with my landmark lawsuit,

General Napoleon Bonerparts

vs. The United States Geological Survey.

It made the papers.

"Creep Laughed Out of Court."

Oh, that's just the headline. Keep reading.

It gets worse. [ Boar squealing ]

You better lawyer up, boar!

Napoleon Bonerparts will see you in court!

Bye! Have a beautiful time!

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