All language subtitles for 1975 - Ein echter Hausfrauenfreund

Well,

that's all I need to know.

What's the story? Doctor, this patient
is the picture of health.

Physically, perhaps. He's just off his
trolley.

I need a urine specimen. That shouldn't
be any problem.

You've got to be kidding.

You don't mean to tell me that function
doesn't work either.

Psychosomatic impotence. For all the
good that organ's doing you, you might

well hang it on the Christmas tree.

Perhaps this will inspire you.

It looks like we are going to have to
delve into your past.

Any luck?

No, not a drop.

Lie down here.

What comes to your mind about your early
childhood?

Where did you grow up?

Up in the mountains, in a little
village.

Nothing much ever happened there.

Who is the first woman you had a
relationship with?

My mother, I guess.

No, that won't get us anywhere. Who
else?

Surely there were other females.

Well, in our barn, we had this milkmaid.

I used to like to watch her do whatever
it was she did.

This is all a little too innocent for my
taste.

What is your favorite beverage?

Milk. Why?

I thought as much.

You've got a bosom fixation. Did you do
well in school?

Not really.

How come?

I told you children to look at the
board.

Albert, what are you staring at?

I don't know how you expect to learn
anything like that.

Well, did you learn anything?

Well, I guess so.

You men.

You like your woman submissive. Trouble
with girls, huh? Me? Never. What? You

never experienced any complications?

Well, there was this one... Now we're
getting to the nitty -gritty.

This happened back when I was still in
the army.

It was a Sunday, and I had a weekend
pass, but I was broke as usual.

I used to go out in the country to this
little waterfall.

I really liked it there.

It... Kind of reminded me of home.

And it was a chance to be alone.

You know, kind of gather my thoughts.

Ah, yes, this looks like the perfect
spot. Stop the car, Schmidler. Very

my lord.

We used to have a bull like that on the
estate.

Come, have a look, darling.

No, thanks, Bobbo. I thought we drove
out here for a picnic.

Of course. Just look at that hors d
'oeuvre.

You mean... I've always been in favour
of a varied menu. I thought that was in

line with your appetite.

What if someone should see us?

The chauffeur will see to it you're as
secluded as in your own boudoir. Right,

Schmidler? Certainly, my lord.

But what gives you the idea he's even
interested?

Sandra, darling, what man has ever been
able to resist your aristocratic ass? If

he doesn't respond to you, we'll simply
send Schmidt lap down the hill.

It's time.

I'll say this for you, darling. You're a
wonderful sport.

What is it, my lord?

I want to play with my pole.

Tell me something.

You don't suppose Her Ladyship is
planning to cheat on me, do you?

Absolutely impossible, Your Lordship.

Behold the noblest arse this side of
heaven.

What does that fool want, an engraved
invitation?

Ah, at last.

This is like the story of Sleeping
Beauty with the parts reversed.

Myth, do you want me to light up the
rest of you too, or just the cigarette?

Use your imagination.

Sandra, this is no time to smoke.

That trollop has a filter tip for a
brain.

cheating on me.

I shall be in there, not him. After all,
I do feed the bitch.

I say, young man, that's my wife.

Thank you very much for getting her
started. I think I could carry on just

from here myself.

Can it hold you, Sandra?

Looks like I'll have to fish him out.

Time to get over emotional.

That prong has gone far enough, laddie.

I said I could take over from here.

I feel just as horny as a Brahms
symphony. Watch this brilliant

young man. I don't need this pole
anymore.

A noble house can ably be serviced by a
noble.

Noblesse oblige, I always say.

Let the peasants set the table for their
betters to dine.

That sure sounds like a fishy story to
me.

It's true.

You accepted money for it?

Why not?

I had to work hard for it, didn't I?

Besides, that lady was nothing but a
high -class hooker.

I think the hooker in this case was you.
I beg your pardon?

What difference does it make whether men
or women practice that profession, as

long as they ring the bell?

Ow! Now then, tell me something about
your present job. I work in a hotel.

Supplying stud service?

No, room service.

But I started as an ordinary handyman.

And then?

I changed jobs last summer.

It was one of those hot, sticky days, 8
o 'clock in the morning, when one of our

well -heeled guests called me.

Albert? Yes, ma 'am? Did you find a
place to hang my hammer?

Sure, Mrs. Dunsinger. Where is it? Right
over there.

Show me.

Hate things?

Yes, Mrs. Belcher.

Where's Albert?

I have no idea what the boy's up to.

I'll throw the bastard out.

Horse's ass.

Oh, what a lovely secluded spot. I'll
have to try it out at once.

Give me a hand, Albert.

Up she goes.

Oh, Albert, I must say you handle that
installation like a real master. What?

I'm losing my balance.

Oh, got to grab something.

Oh, this feels nice and secure.

Hold on tight, Albert.

Just unhook, I'll use my hands.

Is that a comfortable position?

Oh, I'm overexposed.

Don't worry, I won't look.

Albert, no sneaking up from behind.

One more stake ought to do it.

you up to now i'm up i'm up oh lazy good
for

nothing honestly what is this world
coming to

Estimated you. Why, you're a big asset.

And that was when you changed jobs at
the hotel.

Supplying pay -as -you -go affection to
the lady guests.

Hey, come on.

After all, it is the oldest profession
in the world. But up until now, it's

the women servicing the men.

It's about time your men took your turn.

Who's the lady out there?

She's the girl I was in the second grade
with back home. Are those your

children? Well, we have a class reunion
every few years. I guess you could say

Louise and I still enjoy playing doctor.

I beg your pardon? Oh, nothing personal.

Making babies.

That's the only thing you men were ever
good for, and now your jewel is out of

whack. For how long? It all started on
the day Louise inherited a house in the

country from her great -aunt Myrtle. I
don't understand.

You see, I promised if we ever found a
place to live, I'd do the right thing

get married.

Ah, so now you have to put your money
where your mouth is. which may make it

difficult for you to continue your
services at the hotel.

Confronted with this dilemma, your moral
penis went on strike.

Send in the ladies from the waiting
room, please.

Right away, Doctor. Hold on.

Well, what's the story?

When can he go back to work? As soon as
he's done one thing, he will have to

marry this girl.

Right on.

No way.

Don't forget I'm paying you to put this
stud in condition to do his job.

In this case, you can have his cake and
eat it too. I won't have him working in

that hotel. Forget it.

Shut up.

Don't be silly.

After all, it's just a job like butcher,
baker or candy apple dipper.

One man works with his hands or his
head. Albert works with his penis. It

doesn't make any difference.

Are you serious?

Dear, your husband's a prostitute.

A who?

A man who feeds his family the way he
made it.

You're not going to be jealous of a job,
are you?

You're right. That would be stupid.

Now you're talking.

I don't suppose anybody cares what I
think. No, you do as you're told. Get

married and go back to work. And what if
I can't cut the mustard?

Don't be stupid.

You've got a bosom fixation.

Have this young lady give you a picture
of her admirable breath.

Now to you.

You're going to have to see to it that
he gets a generous increase in salary.

That's none of your business.

No, it's yours. Only a well -paid
prostitute is up to snuff in bed.

Oh, very well.

If that's the only way to get him back
in shape.

No need to worry about your bellboy.

He's already got his chimes ringing.

Hallelujah.

do anyway?

Physical therapy. Body care. Like taking
a shower.

That's icky.

Is it Mr. Hoover? Tell the stud to come
over. We've got a client waiting to go

on hold. Oh, please.

You've got to give him a break between
sessions.

He's not a machine, you know.

Hey, we've got a day to play football,
Dad. You promised. Sure we do, Andy.

Come on.

Who's on the phone?

The hotel.

What? The hotel.

Take the call.

Daddy, Daddy!

Hey, precious.

Come give your daddy a great big kiss,
huh?

Yeah?

Albert? Yes, I know that. Yes, but I
think we just fell over a gold mine.

Of course it all depends if you've got a
strong enough pick to penetrate the

mother load.

Oh, bonjour, madame.

Uh, Evelyn Jennings. Of course she's
married.

Her husband, the Jennings, made several
billions when he cornered the pork belly

market. She's filthy rich, good
-looking.

I'd say about five foot six.

Hold on. No game.

Blonde, 28 years old, height five foot
six. Good figure.

What's that?

She's shy.

I always get the difficult cases. My
poor darling.

Okay, I'll be right over.

Tuxedo? Your rubber diving suit?

Tennis clothes?

Uh -uh.

Gray suit.

Blonde, 5 '6", 28 years old.

Husband cornered the market on pork
bellies.

So I can imagine what she's going to
look like.

I don't know why I bother making these
notes at all.

He advertises glamour and style.

And when I get there, Dracula's
grandmother.

Shy, nervous.

She's probably a complete moron.

Why couldn't I just go see an analyst
like everybody else?

God knows this is the craziest thing
I've ever done.

Just because Allison said he was such a
marvelous gigolo.

Allison's perverted.

She has different needs. Why should I
listen to her?

I'm a happily married woman.

These females marry highfalutin society
tycoons for the money and wind up

getting their jollies from me.

What's the matter with these rich
husbands?

What do they do?

Each other?

Albert, a little going -away present
from Mrs. Pinkham. The thought of

you was really more than she could bear.

I'm sure there wasn't a dry seat in her
car.

Filthy old sow.

Who, you or her?

You, of course.

Don't say.

Another instance of the pot calling the
kettle black. Give it a look.

Oh, I'll get in that pot any old day.
Where's New Broad?

Upstairs in the honeymoon suite.

Fame, oh, sweet. Treats for the sweet, I
always say.

Room is jinxed. Every time I start to
shift into high gear, the goddamn door

the night table starts to rattle. Drives
me crazy.

I'll fix it first thing in the morning.

Oh, don't bother.

I'll pretend it's applause.

I'll change my mind. I'll tell him I
don't need him.

Oh, no, that's not very polite. I'll
just tell him there must have been a

mistake. Well, I do.

Yes, what is it?

How do you do?

How do you do?

He looks like a pleasant enough chap.

She's a nice surprise.

I was told your highness was looking for
a male... An escort.

I want a male escort.

To take me out in the evening.
Naturally. I hate this play acting.

Or go boating.

Rowing and sailing.

I understand.

Rowing and sailing, my ass. She means
screwing and squealing.

I presume I can send for you through the
death clerk.

Whenever I need you.

Your wish is my command.

You look like you need some right now,
your majesty.

Well then, have a nice day.

pleased to meet you.

I can't believe this.

Why don't I tell him to stop?

I do want him to go away, don't I?

I do want him.

To go away?

This is getting a little too odd to
handle.

I don't remember hiring him. I better
get him out of here.

Why is he doing this?

It's against the rules. It isn't fair.

I want him to go away.

I want him to go away.

I want him to go.

I want him.

I want him.

I want him.

I want you.

You bet your bippy you want me, your
majesty.

I must say this is more enjoyable than
psychoanalysis.

Maybe I misjudged Allison.

For a frustrated society bitch, she
certainly gets one hell of an act

Why should I send him away?

I've never had so much fun in my life.

What's wrong with paying for it? It's
worth the money.

Hear that, Henry?

Paying for this stud was the sexiest
thing you ever did for me.

Don't go away, Henry.

I

guess

this is what they call a labor of love.

This stallion takes all the ribbons.

The first time.

This is going to be a double header.

Good morning, Father. I'm looking for
Bishop McGonagall. Just a minute. I'll

check the reservation.

Upstairs in 316.

If you'd like to take the lift.

No, I think I'd rather walk the stairs.

They'll get you high, too.

Good morning. Reception desk.

Right, right.

You've got it, darling.

Pee -wee, take something up to the
honeymoon suite. A glass of milk. A

scotch. And a seltzer bottle.

How did you know that? That's the suite
where they do all the squirting.

Get a move on.

I can't imagine why anyone would neglect
her.

For once, the elephant didn't
exaggerate.

No cause for alarm.

The waiter is very discreet.

Good Lord.

Albert. You didn't mention this at
confession.

One glass of milk.

Hey, Pee -wee, haven't you got a pretzel
in the oven?

Nothing personal, Father.

Now, what do you suppose that boy is
thinking?

If he's got any sense, he's thinking, I
want a gorgeous creature like that when

I grow up. Oh, somebody appreciates me.

Listen to that.

Accommodate you, Father, but I've got a
boyfriend.

Mrs. Hoover, would you mind if I asked
you a question?

Not at all, Father.

Sure, and it is a rather delicate
matter. Can you explain what your

doing in the Palace Hotel yesterday
morning? He's got a job there. A job

Naked? He leaves here with his clothes
on.

What kind of job has he got, then?

It's, uh, what was the word that the
doctor used?

Protestant. Saints of mercy, woman,
that's catastrophic news.

No, that's not the word. He's a
prostitute.

Good Lord.

You had me terribly worried. Oh, he'd
never do the other thing. Can I speak to

Albert? I'm afraid he's not home right
now.

He's gone out hunting.

You know, we never talk about sex at
home.

My husband Henry's kind of rigid.

Oh, he'd rather do it than talk, huh?
Billy, you're not rigid down there.

That's more of an underdeveloped line.

We'd been married for three months
before he had the courage to go to bed.

Oh, that's awful.

Well, the awful part started when he got
in bed. Poor Mrs.

Jennings. I want you to call me Evelyn.

Evelyn.

Are we there?

We'll be going up any minute.

I should hope so. Not there.

Up in the tree.

Who wants to climb trees at a time like
this? You haven't lived until you've

hunted in a treehouse.

You know, I've already got enough money
saved up to buy a dairy bar downtown.

He's so very fond of milk.

Well, why don't you do it now?

He says no. He says wives supporting
husbands is unchristian. I think he

let me be the judge of that. Why don't
you send him around and I'll have a chat

with him?

Come here.

Albert, are you always ready for action?

When I'm with you, I can't get enough.

What's it like with other women?

About the same.

You never disappoint anyone.

No, I'm a professional.

And how did you feel about Allison?

Couldn't she give you enough either?

Who's Allison?

You'd know her better than who's Baxter.

She's the one who told me how wonderful
you were in bed.

I can't recall her offhand, but I'm glad
she liked it.

And I guess that's all the emotion you
invest.

Just call the right number and the
callboy is ready.

I try to accommodate the clients.

Accommodate the clients.

Now, Andrette.

No, me.

No, get away.

Now, you.

Equipment out.

You do what you're told and nothing
else.

And right now, I don't want you to do
anything.

Anything at all.

I want to use you.

Who cares about feelings?

I don't suppose Allison cares.

She just took what she needed, paid him,
and left.

He's not here.

He's a device.

What an incredible device he is.

A dream of a device.

She's like a storm cloud.

She's running a mile. Any minute now,
we'll have a cloud burst. A miracle

A cloud burst. It's like a race with
him.

A cloud burst. A dream race. A cloud
burst. A dream race. A cloud burst. A

burst.

A dream race. A cloud burst.

A cloud burst.

A cloud burst.

a work in arrangement with your wife.

But what about the Lord? Are you
prepared to spend eternity in hell?

Father, most of my customers say I'm
pretty heavenly.

And do you think it's fair to lead all
those women down the path of corruption?

Oh, I think they'd find their own way
down that primrose path, whether I

them there or not.

What's that supposed to mean? Why do you
think those women go on vacation alone?

If I didn't service them, they'd find
themselves a waiter or a priest. Not a

chance. Maybe a Lutheran minister.

Or a Buddhist rabbi.

The point is, they always find someone.

And this time it just happens to be me.
Nonsense. It's of your own choice.

Wouldn't you make the same choice, given
the chance? Get thee behind me, Satan.

Be sensible, my son.

After all, this can't go on forever.

I know. One of these days you'll go on a
long strike.

Who? You know.

No, who?

You know, the little guy down there.

I don't have to spell it out for you, do
I?

And when that day comes, and it can't
come too soon for me, you'll be very

your wife owns a successful dairy bar.

I will not.

How would you solve the problem?

I'd kind of like to own a hotel.

You own a hotel.

You'd have to spend all your time in bed
with a female guest.

That's what you think.

Listen, they don't let the company cook
lead the men into battle or send the

general into the kitchen.

And believe you me, you're a five -star
general.

General, I thought I was a pacifier.

It's only the waiter.

Egg over easy.

I'll set down the tray lady and we can
take it from there.

I could have sworn you had a hush puppy
in the oven.

I'll take that tray.

Got a boyfriend.

Tell me about your other women. I think
I've forgotten them all.

Stop lying.

Were any of them prettier than me? Of
course not.

Wilder? No.

Pinkier? Evelyn, cut it out.

Did any of them have any far -out
fantasies that we haven't tried yet,

Well, there was that Greek shipowner's
wife. Tell me.

Would you mind handing me the butter,
darling? Not at all.

but I hate that sort of thing. No.

I didn't mean to get so upset, but Henry
wanted to try that with me once.

You don't suppose there's anything wrong
with Henry, do you?

If you can't turn him on, he'd have to
be weird.

Flattery will get you anywhere.

Can I borrow that towel?

What's that? Looks like somebody bit
you.

She did.

That sounds exciting.

Tell me more.

Sue Ann.

Darling Sue Ann. You see, you did
remember one of them. I'll say I did.

I must say I tried to forget.

Name, please, Miss... Sue Ann Fowler.

Athens, Georgia.

Eeny, meeny, miny, meen. Catch the
Albert by his thing.

Stick him up.

Oh, that was quick.

Honey, you're sharper than a pit
barbecue and Louisiana hot dog. Boy,

good enough to eat.

Honey, why nibble on that breadstick
when the real stuff is down here?

realize what you've done, you silly
woman?

Premeditated damaging of hotel property
is punishable by law.

I don't know what y 'all are so riled up
about.

All I did was give you a little nibble.
That kind of nibble is just not allowed

here. Well, I do that all the time back
home. Which accounts for the decline of

the South. No wonder half the men down
there look like Tennessee Williams.

Albert, you must go at once. To the
doctor? No, you imbecile. To the

photographer. When this case comes
before the court, we're going to need

of irrefutable evidence.

Eye level?

I wonder how low this thing goes.

Delicious. You too.

Now, are you willing to pay for the
damage you've caused?

Or are we going to have to take this
sordid matter to court, Miss Fowler?

What if I'm damaged?

You can't just go biting hotel employees
without permission of the management.

Besides, I'm not on the menu.

Now, why don't you just listen to reason
and pay for the necessary repairs?

I sure hope you have a good answer ready
when the judge asks you what Albert

does in the hotel.

What were you planning to tell Colonel
and Mrs. Fowler when they see these

pictures? I doubt if they're going to
jump for joy when they find out what

of a Girl Scout jamboree you've been
attending.

Another zero, honey.

Maybe that'll teach you in the future to
confine your appetite to the kind of

nourishment that doesn't live to fight
another day.

All that money.

I never had this problem with Jimmy Joe
down at the filling station, blah.

You're so nearsighted, you were probably
nibbling on the pump.

Sorry about that, Albert.

And how did you heal so quickly?

I got a lot of tender, loving care.

Albert, I want to be alone for a while.
Why don't you take the day off?

Whatever you say, Evelyn.

I want to go out on the terrace and
think about my situation.

Write some letters.

Darling Henry.

Why can't I get that man out of my head?

I came here to get a sun bath and think
about other things.

That's what I'll do.

I'll think about other things.

Are there any other things?

I'm just losing my mind. That's all
there is to it.

If I am, all I can say is long live
insanity.

Oh, I can't remember when I felt this
good.

When being a woman was such an
incredible experience.

Dear Henry, guess what?

Life is a woman.

For all you care.

What am I doing out here all by myself?

I don't want to write letters.

I can't write Henry anything even
vaguely resembling the truth.

I don't need sunshine.

I need him.

I need him.

I need him.

I need him now.

I want Albert to go.

Now play quietly, children. And don't
forget, your daddy had another rough

night. You needn't worry, Mommy.

Something's rumbling in here.

Sounds like a buzzsaw.

Is it any wonder?

If you weren't getting enough, you'd be
rumbling, too.

Rumbling where?

In your stomach, silly.

What do you want in your stomach?

What I want goes in a little lower.

Does Albert Hoover live here?

Yeah, why?

I've got to see him right away. It's
urgent.

He's fast asleep upstairs. Oh, don't
worry.

But he can't be disturbed.

I won't disturb him.

How's the buzzsaw?

It's cutting down the whole forest.

This has gone far enough.

He's not on duty now.

So this is a private little affair,
then? This is no little affair. It's the

main event. I expect this man to reserve
his main event for his paying client.

He happens to take our marriage
seriously.

This woman is your wife? I can explain
everything.

You have children?

I can explain everything. You miserable
swine!

Lady, why don't you just bug off?

Bug off, huh?

That isn't quite the right word.

I got paid my money and I got fucked
over.

He's the one who's getting gone over by
you rich bitches.

So this is how you support your family.
You're no better than a hooker. What do

you think you are?

I'll tell you one thing. I'm through
with him.

Evelyn. You bastard.

I hope you rot in hell.

You're an animal. And animals like you
should be slaughtered.

Haven't heard the latest news. Mrs.
Belcher wants to sell out. My stars and

gardens. Mrs. Belcher's run this hotel
for years. If she sells this place, we

society girls won't have any place to
come.

Now, you'll never believe who's
interested in buying this place.

You! Albert!

Albert!

Tell him I'll be waiting for him in the
bar.

Very good, Mrs. Dunsaker. And have a
jumping evening.

Where's... Up and away.

Mrs. Dunsinger said she'd be waiting for
you in the cocktail lounge.

Not a minute too soon.

Here's your usual.

Scotch. Double.

Okay. What are you doing?

Never dreamed you could be so evil.

Makes me love you all the better. What
are you reading in that magazine?

Read it. How she lost her innocence in a
wine cellar.

And you want me to help you lose your
innocence?

No. I want to do it in a wine cellar.

Mrs. Belcher, just look at the condition
of these pillows.

Just throw it in the basement.

Out. Yes, ma 'am.

I'd like to pour a large bucket of filth
all over her living room.

Just look at this pink stye.

Another scotch.

Meet me down in the cellar and wait me
until the feathers fly.

Let's have a new thrill.

I can sure do with a thrill. I can tell
you that.

I want you to show no mercy. Don't pay
attention if I screech. Keep it hard

enough. Hard and nasty. You got it, kid.

You go prepare yourself down there.

I'll be along in five minutes. I'm
suspecting.

Hard and nasty. Hard and nasty. That's
me today.

Phone call for Mrs. Dunsinger. Phone
call for Mrs. Dunsinger.

Oh, not again.

I'm going to have to introduce my
husband to my girlfriend, then he'll

alone.

Hard and nasty.

Boy, has she come to the right address.

Rape in the wine cellar.

What a way to blow your cork.

Hard and nasty.

Hard and nasty.

Hard and nasty.

Hard and nasty.

Hard and

nasty.

This will send you back to your husband.

Hard and nasty. Hard and nasty.

Hard and nasty.

Enjoy this, you stupid bitch.

Hard and nasty.

Who's this woman?

I thought I was raping you. I'm the maid
and I already have a boyfriend.

Sorry about that. I thought you were a
freaky guest.

When my boyfriend finds out about this,
he'll push your face in the meat

grinder.

It's her fault. If she hadn't gotten
here so late, this never would have

happened. What you guys need is a head
shrinker. You're sick and you're sicker.

And this place is just a sinkhole full
of perverts.

I'll have you know, young lady, my
husband and I have been seeing expensive

analysts for years.

Then you should get your money back.
You've been saying... You've been...

been... You've been very considerate.

If I can be of any other service, don't
hesitate to call.

Is there something I've forgotten?

Yeah.

Quite nasty.

Sorry, honey, I've had it. Why don't you
check with Dial -A -Rape, Miss Piggy?

You might in the store, honey.

I told you that dairy bar wouldn't solve
anything, Father.

Now I can't stand the sight of milk.

Milk is a symbol of purity, my son, and
you've been sinning. But everybody's got

to do something for a living. That's not
business, it's pleasure.

I'm not having any fun.

It's reached the point where I can't get
him to work all the time. You can't get

whom to work? Jojo, down below.

Ever since I got that broad with a Ph
.D. Ph .D.?

Who is it?

So you're the house fucker.

In person, sweetie pants. Don't be a
smartass.

Let's keep this on the adult level.

Are you interested in books?

Then you should really read this one.

Fornication through the centuries.

Take off my clothes.

Do you know the real reason why Columbus
discovered America?

You see, Queen Isabella seemed to have
been very fond of new and unusual forms

of carnal knowledge.

When Columbus told her he'd discovered a
new passage to the West... You doing

some kind of folk dance in my bra?

Set it down on the dresser. It won't
bite you, you know.

Isabella, history tells us... clearly
jumped to the wrong conclusions.

You can imagine where that led.

Right out the Azores, to the open sea.

They say that on her deathbed, Isabella
kept running her hands up and down her

body, looking for her Hispaniola. He
never did get his pint on course, did

miss? Why don't you just call me Alice?

Don't you think this book sheds a
fascinating light on world history,

Turn down the volume.

Do you know what Benjamin Franklin was
referring to when he said early to rise?

Hey, that tickles.

How do you work your pace, Gail?

Please continue.

A gentleman doesn't talk with his mouth
full.

I'll do the talking.

Here's how we'll do it.

I'll pay a thousand for orgasm.

Whose? What?

Mine or yours?

Mine, of course. Mine and your business.

Yours of your own pleasure. And don't
worry about being ripped off. I plan to

keep an accurate record of all our
comings and goings. It's a deal.

Let's go.

Take off your clothes.

Set it down there on the sofa.

Certainly.

Pee -wee, I could swear I could smell
something burning.

Pee -wee, have you... All right, all
right, all right. I'm getting out of

before the next oven joke.

Now what are you waiting for?

You know, this is a very fascinating
little membrane.

I don't suppose you know how it works.

I'm learning.

Interesting.

May I?

Do these dimensions run in your family?
I earn every blessed inch of it by

hard work and exercise.

Let's get the show on the road.

you breathe a little quieter?

I'm trying to read.

Want me to stop?

Of course not.

You mean you like this?

It isn't unpleasant.

Continue.

I hope you're finding this amusing.

Aren't you?

I've had more laughs at funeral.

Do you even know what an orgasm is?

Theoretically, yes. I must admit, I've
never experienced...

And they say men have far -out
fixations.

You ought to marry Elsie the cow.

Now do you understand why I can't stand
milk?

That's because you've been drinking too
deeply of the wine of depravity. You

need milk, my boy.

The milk of purity.

Don't you realize your soul is crying
out for you to start leading a simple,

ordinary, common, everyday existence?

Ah, Father, that's easily said.

Start leading an ordinary, common,
everyday existence.

I would love to see the look on Albert's
face when his next customer comes

waltzing in.

Dr. Wilkins.

Good heavens. You didn't have to strip
for action.

Sex is the last thing in the world I'd
want from you.

Don't bother to dress.

I know what little boys look like.

My interest in you is purely scientific.

This is the first time I ever had a mail
haul for a patient. You know...

When women lose the feel, they go right
on working. Men can't get away with

that.

Dr. Wilkins, you've walked into the
middle of a crisis.

You don't say.

Dickie Bird won't stand up and sing. Is
that it?

Doctor, what kind of game are you
playing, anyway?

Oh, going to hang up your glands and
quit? I think I'd better warn you. I'm

about to lose my temper.

Not really. I always thought prostitutes
didn't have any emotions.

One more wise remark and you can see for
yourself.

You're petrified and you know it.

Lady, I thought your job was to help
people, not to make them miserable.

But of course, just as soon as you've
accepted the fact that you were placed

this earth to serve women, you'll be
much more emotionally stable.

You've got to resign yourself to the
fact that we women have a sexual force

you. At will, we can turn you on or turn
you off.

Cheese sandwich?

No. Glass of milk?

No.

Want some?

No.

Darling, what do you want?

I want to lead a normal, ordinary,
everyday existence. That's what.

Who betrayed us?

It's the hotel.

I told them to leave me alone.

Listen, you idiot.

Guess what?

You know who is back in the zoo.

I couldn't go on without you.

I need you, too.

I'm suing Henry for divorce. I caught
him with his pal, Brucey.

Now I'm yours.

And you belong to me.

Mrs. Belcher sold me the hotel, and
guess who's going to be manager starting

right now?

I won't. You will.

I need Louise, too. He can't manage
without her. He's got to stay married to

her.

Are you jealous?

Not of your wife.

Ah, but the other ladies are going to
have to find another toy to play with.

Is the manager in? Yes, he is, Doctor.
Then send him up here at once. He said

was hanging up his gown. Don't argue. On
the double.

Don't claim I didn't warn you.

Hmm.

It's a woman's prerogative to change her
mind.

I think I would like to use you.

Use me?

What for?

The usual function.

Stud service.

What a pity.

Oh, our little conversation took the
lead out of your pencil.

Well, I don't think we'll have any
trouble reloading your cartridge.

Oh, don't bother.

It works fine. It just won't write on
any old blotter. What kind of nonsense

that? I'm paying the piper and I'll call
the tune.

A man who'll bang any female is headed
for a sure crack -up. Now, don't get

impertinent. You get your little butt
over here this instant.

I'm sorry. You'll have to find another
piper.

Come over here. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come
on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come
on. Give it to me, tiger. I want it.

Oh, please.

Please. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. I wish you could see
yourself now.

Come on. Oh, please. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. I'm

itching for you. Come on. Please.

Come on.

Come on.

Please.

Please come on. Come on. You're making a
ridiculous spectacle of yourself.

Oh, honey. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Make it with me. Make it.

Give it to me.

Come on, please.

I've got to have it. I've got to have
it.

The oven's all yours, Pee -wee.

Have fun, pal.

Now he's got the perfect combination.

A woman at home and a lady at work. And
a normal, simple, everyday existence.

Lucky Albert.

Moral of the story is, when in doubt,
ignore your doctor and consult your

neighborhood priest.