All language subtitles for Thank Your Lucky Stars 1943 Colorized.eng

[SINGING]
How's your love life?

Well, thank your lucky stars

Yes, thank your lucky stars

It's doing fine

Keep your love life
As sweet as candy bars

And thank your lucky stars
Like I thank mine

Everybody's living on less and less

But you're okay

You're such a big success, oh, yes

You've got your love life

And that's the only thing

They won't be rationing

They don't know how

So thank your lucky stars

Right now

Thank your lucky stars right now

Such a talent.

We must get her for the benefit.
Positively.

- Lovely, Dinah, lovely.
- Thank you.

Have you met our guest for tonight?

- Oh, John Garfield?
- Yes.

- Oh, certainly. I've known Johnny for years.
- You have?

Uh-huh.

- Confidentially, I'm just a little bit worried.
- You are?

I've seen him in all those pictures,
but tell me, is he really that tough?

Tough? Oh, Don Wilson...

...John Garfield is the sweetest, mildest,
gentlest boy...

...you'd ever wanna meet
in the whole world.

DON: Really?
DINAH: Sure.

I'm warning you, Cantor.
Stop telling me what to do.

If we get out there and you cross me up,
I'm gonna flatten you.

I don't say that your way is wrong, only
if you'd stand on the right side of the mike--

- I'll stand where I stood.
- You'll be hiding my face.

Is that bad?
Now look, this is only a radio show.

You read your lines. I'll read mine.

- Don't fool around with that microphone.
- Fool around? Me? Cantor?

I never interfere with anything.
With me, it's strictly live and let live.

Now, get ready, John, because we go
right on. You know what I mean?

And here comes Eddie Cantor
with his guest star...

...that bad boy of Burbank,
John Garfield.

Well, what are you gonna do
for the folks, John?

Nothing. I ain't talking, see?
Not till I get paid.

Let's not argue over money.
How much you want?

- Five thousand bucks.
- Let's argue.

[LAUGHING]

Garfield, I'll admit
you're a great dramatic actor.

In radio, you're helpless.
You can't tell jokes, don't sing.

Sing? Now, wouldn't that be cute?

Garfield singing a song.

Why, I could just picture it. I'm in the
death house. Waiting for the hot seat.

The reporters want the story of my life.
I ain't got time. I tell them:

It all began way back when...

[SINGING]
My mama done told me

When I was in knee pants

My mama done told me, John

I'll never forget the day
my mama done told me.

Picked me up on her lap,
stroked my golden curls.

I was just 19 at the time and she said:

A woman's a two-face

A worrisome thing

Who'll leave you to sing
The blues in the night

Now the rain's a-fallin'

Now the train's a-callin'
A-hooey, da-hooey

It's a lot of hooey. I heard
a train whistle, see? So I blew town.

I met the rat
that started me on the road to crime.

Fish-eye Looey. I wanted to kill him.

I grabbed him by the throat.
I squeezed and squeezed.

I wanted to pay him
for making me an outlaw.

- Shunned by society. A stinker.
- John.

- Let go of me.
- But he got away.

From Natchez to Sing Sing

From Memphis to Alcatraz

Wherever the rock piles grow

Ha-ha.

I've been in the best jails
Why, sure, I've seen me the best frails

And just like my mama done told me,
I met a two-faced woman.

Two-Kisser Bessie was her name.

They was handy, those two faces.

She could crack a safe and
look out for the cops at the same time.

She was nuts about me till she fell
for another guy, Fish-eye Looey.

I wanted to knock him off, see?
I went to his hideout.

I broke down the door.
He wasn't there. I waited. I nabbed him.

- I squeezed and squeezed.
- John.

I squeezed harder and harder.
Suddenly, I hear the sirens: Whoo!

The bulls. Somebody's tipped them off.
Somebody squealed to the cops.

My mama done told them.

My old lady, a stool pigeon.

I'm trapped. Trapped like a rat.

They're coming in on me.
They're getting closer, closer:

[IMITATES AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE]

Oh, they got me.

Oh, Mama.
Mama, I gotta talk fast now.

You was right.

I've been in some big towns.

I heard me some big talk.

But there's one thing I know.

I can't die till I get even with Fish-eye.
Fish-eye.

A woman's a two-face

A worrisome thing

Who'll leave you to sing
The blues in the night

Good. Good. Good.

Thank you, John Garfield.

Thank you very much
and good night, John.

If you please, Cookie Fairchild.

[SINGING]
Potatoes are cheaper

Tomatoes are cheaper

Now's the time to fall in love

Why, the butcher, the baker

[CONTINUES OVER RADIO]
The candlestick maker

Gave the price a downward shove...

Here we are. Step right in the bus, folks.
We're leaving in a minute for a glimpse...

...at the homes of Hollywood's
biggest movie stars.

It's the biggest 50-cent value
in Hollywood.

Don't miss this opportunity, mister.
You can tell the folks...

...you saw Bette Davis picking flowers
in her own backyard.

There's a million thrills in Beverly Hills.

[MUSIC GETS LOUDER]

Take a glamorous trip
through the Sunset Strip.

Come on, driver. It's 25 after 5.

Just let me get two more suckers, will you?
I mean, customers. Just two more.

No waiting. No delay.

We leave in exactly--

Hey, Pete.

Will you please give me a break?

It's tough enough without trying
to out-shout that guy.

Okay. Okay.

[MUSIC GETS QUIETER]

- Hi, Pete.
PETE: How are you, Mr. Butler?

- Got a Sporting News?
- Yes.

- How's it, Pete?
- Haven't seen you in quite a while.

Olivia de Havilland, Alan Hale.
Step right this way--

- Are you going to the fights, Mark?
- Hello.

Oh, hello, Joe.

What's that for?
Have you given up acting?

No, but, well, a fella's gotta make
a living between pictures, Mr. Butler.

- Oh, I see.
- Say, you're directing a picture over...

-...at Warner Bros.
- That's right, Joe.

You think there might be something there
that I can play?

Here's the man to ask, Joe.
This is my producer, Mark Hellinger.

- Joe Simpson.
- Hello, Joe.

Mr. Hellinger, you really ought to use me,
Mr. Hellinger.

- I've been reading your stories for years.
- Well, that makes two of us.

I'll tell you what you do.
Give me a ring at the studio.

Would 6 o'clock be too early?

I don't get in till 9.

I'll hold the wire.

[MEN LAUGH]

- See you later, Joe.
- So long, Joe.

That's a funny guy. Clean him up
and he's a ringer for Eddie Cantor.

That's his trouble, Mark.

I had him play a small part
in a dramatic scene...

...and the audience died laughing.

I had to shoot the thing over without him.
That's why nobody wants to use him.

Pretty rough deal. Guy can't get a break
because he looks too much like a star.

Yeah. That's a new way
of becoming a failure.

- Hi, Pete.
PETE: Hi, Tommy.

- The Cantor show?
- Yeah.

- What time is it?
- Oh, about 5:27.

- What's all the excitement about?
- Something big, Pete. Big.

And when Tommy Randolph
says big, it's big.

[MUSIC GETS LOUDER]

Say, this is too much.

Hey, what's the idea, Joe?

Tommy, I thought you were a pal of mine.
You know I can't stand that popeyed baboon.

Why don't you relax?

Aren't you imposing a little?

Don't be impatient, folks.

[CANTOR CONTINUES SINGING
OVER RADIO]

How about it, sailor? Show the little lady
all the homes of the movie stars.

I'm sorry. I got an hour.
I gotta get back to my ship.

What better way can you spend
your last hour than a bus ride?

Are you kidding?

Listen, we've been here for two hours.
When are you going to--?

I hope you'll be listening again
next Wednesday night.

Until then, ladies and gentlemen...

...this is Eddie Cantor
saying good night, everybody.

Come on, Dinah, John.

John.

I can think only of that Dinah Shore.

We must get her for the benefit.

When I am conducting her
with my orchestra...

...oh, boy, oh, boy,
what effects I will get.

Orchestra and pia-- No, no, no.

- We will talk to her.
- Here.

- To Dinah Shore?
- Yes.

- Are you crazy?
- Why?

That's not the way to get Dinah Shore.
If you wanna get Dinah...

...you don't talk to Dinah Shore.

If I want Dinah Shore,
I don't talk to Dinah Shore?

No, no, no.

You talk to Eddie Cantor.
He's got her under exclusive contract.

That is we should talk to Eddie Cantor,
but we won't.

- Break it. You're double-park--
- Leave.

We should talk to Cantor
but we won't?

No, because if we talk to Cantor now,
he'll want to be in the benefit.

- Oh, that's bad?
- We don't want him in the benefit.

We do want Dinah Shore.

However, if we talk to Cantor
at the right time...

...we may be able to get
Dinah without Cantor.

- Do you understand?
- No.

- Pardon me.
- A fresh guy.

What's the matter with these?

There you are.

Alright, folks. Let's have a little system here.

I know you want everybody's autograph,
so go from one star to another.

This way, please.

Oh, come on.

- Here you are, young man.
- Can we go home now, Uncle Eddie?

Yeah. Shh. Quiet.

Mr. Cantor, can I tell you that I feel you're one
of the greatest artists in the world today?

- Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
- I'd feel complimented...

-...if you'd honor me with your autograph.
- Yeah. Have you got a pen?

I'll be very happy indeed.

- It's for a little boy.
- That's all right.

Anything else I can do for you?

No, thanks. You've done enough already.

It's a pleasure, sir. Come in again.

[SINGING]

Don't waste it, Tommy.
That all belongs to Eddie Cantor now.

- You got it.
- Got it?

Listen, when Barney Jackson tells you
he'll get you a contract, you get a contract.

Yippee! Oh-ho!

Careful. Careful. Careful.
That ink's still wet.

Barney, you're a great agent.
How much do I get?

- A hundred bucks a week.
- Hundred bucks?

Oh well, thanks anyway, pal.
I guess that's all right for a start.

And my commission?
Sixty bucks in advance.

Oh, sure. Just wait till he hears me sing.

He'll tear up that contract,
give me twice the salary.

- He doesn't know what you're giving him.
- But he'll find out.

There's 60 bucks, right?

And there's your contract
and good luck, kid.

Thanks. When does he wanna see me?

Oh. You're supposed to report
to Cantor's house tomorrow.

- He's expecting you at 11 o'clock.
- Okay.

No matter how big a star I get to be,
I'll never forget you for this.

- I know you won't.
- So long, Barney.

So long, kid.

Mr. Jackson. Mr. Jackson.

Oh, wait a minute.

Mr. Jackson.

Mr. Jackson.

- Well, hello there, Pat.
- Hello.

I was upstairs in your office
and the furniture's gone, even the chairs.

What's going on around here?

Didn't I tell you?
I'm moving into a new suite of offices.

A gorgeous place, carpets,
the chairs that thick.

- I see. Well, what about "Moondust"?
-"Moondust"? "Moondust."

Yes, that's my song, remember?

You guaranteed to get it published
in two weeks a month ago.

I bet you thought I forgot all about it.

Look, those things take a little time,
arrangements, copyrights, you understand?

I think I do.

- Give me back my $50, Mr. Jackson.
- Leave everything to me.

- Barney never let a client down.
- Listen here.

I might be from a small town, but I was
not the village idiot. I want my $50.

I'll give you a tip.
Show biz is all new to you.

- You're still green, a novice.
- Maybe.

You've got a lot to learn,
gotta have grace, poise, self-assurance.

- What's that to do with it?
- When you sell a song...

...don't let them know
you're an amateur.

You gotta be professional, aggressive.
Be egotistical, you understand?

- Well, sure but--
- There's $50 worth of advice.

And now we're even. So long, kid.

So long, Mr. Jackson.

Even?

Union Depot, buddy.

Wait, you big--

Hey, stop that man.

Follow that cab.

Yes, ma'am.

Hurry up, please.

Wait a minute. What am I doing?
This isn't a taxi.

Oh, heck.

Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
If there's anything I can do to help--

- Come on. Let's get going.
- We want our money back.

What are you doing?
You've been stalling here now for over two hours.

Come on. Get going, will you?

We're passing the homes
of some of our greatest stars.

On the left, you'll see the residence
of Walter Houston.

What kind of a song
was that you said you wrote?

- It was a beautiful, sentimental ballad.
- That'll be refreshing.

All you hear is
"Scrub Me, Mama, With a Salad Fork."

Or "Beat Me, Baby,
With a Boiled Potato."

Song or no song,
what you ought to do is go home.

Oh, I couldn't go back to Elk Falls
even if I wanted to.

- I haven't got the money.
- Oh, don't worry. I'll help you.

I have plenty of friends.

We all live together.

Hedy Lamarr, Lana Turner, Betty Grable,
all have homes over there on the left.

- Most of my friends live in Gower Gulch.
- Gower Gulch?

Yeah, all picture people.

Nothing very fancy
but they're a great bunch.

I can't understand it.
Nobody even wants to hear my song.

Oh, this is a tough town.

Look at me, driving a bus so I can eat.

Me, a fine dramatic actor.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, on your right
the home of Stewart T. Hollingshead.

- Who?
- Stewart T. Hollingshead.

The great Vitagraph tragedian. You must
remember him in Death Before Dishonor?

Never heard of him.

Never heard of him? His greatest role:

The famous deathbed scene.
His family clustered around his bed.

Oh, I can see him now.

There he lies, droning with pain.

He raises himself up on one elbow
and says:

"I want you to promise me one thing
and one thing alone.

My son, before I die...

Before I die..."

Hey, Mama, ain't he funny?
He looks just like Eddie Cantor.

Oh, Mama, he pushed me, Mama.

[BAND PLAYING]

That's great, Spike.
Now give us "Otchi Chornia."

Uh!

Uh!

[BLEATING]

Phew.

Uh! Uh!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hey.

Hey.

Baa, baa.

[SNEEZING]

Spike, you're a cinch.

I'm gonna see to it personally
you boys get a radio spot.

Here comes Whirlaway on the outside.

Come on over, Joe.

- Are you sure they won't mind?
- I'm positive.

This is one place you can stay
as long as you like.

- Oh, swell.
- Come on, now.

Joe, Joe, great news. I got it.
I finally got it.

You got it. He got it. You got what?

My radio deal. A hundred a week,
option's for five years. I'm set.

- Are you kidding? On the level?
- Yeah.

- He got it.
- He got it.

- I got--
- Yeah.

- Well, hello.
- Hello.

I beg your pardon.

This is Pat. She's a songwriter.
This is my friend Tommy.

- Howdy, Pat. A great night.
- How do you do?

They're throwing a party. Meet the gang.

Gosh, what news. What a break.
Who did you sign with?

- Eddie Cantor.
- Eddie Cantor. That's fi--

Only four minutes from Vine Street,
but it's like a different world.

Here's where we all live, honey.

Not classy, but it's enough
when you're on short dough.

Well, this is something
even Ripley wouldn't believe.

Didn't cost us a dime.

We built the whole thing
out of old discarded movie sets.

- Quaint, isn't it?
- Well, it's either very quaint or very corny.

Quaint or corny, I love it.

Good old Gower Gulch.

Kind of hate to leave it.

But... Well, it's hardly the right address
for a radio star.

[SINGING]

What do you do on the radio?

What do I do?

I sing.

Songs? Popular songs?

I don't mean "Shortnin' Bread."

Oh, gosh. Oh, I suppose you sing whatever
they tell you to, though, don't you?

Me? Not a chance. I sing what I like.

Really? Any song you want?

- They're not gonna tell Tommy Randolph.
- Oh, that's wonderful. Look--

I'm gonna pick all my tunes exclusively
from the hit parade.

I'm smart enough to sing nothing
but hits.

Now, here's a piece of furniture
with a reputation.

- Oh, is it?
- Sit down?

- All right.
- Yes, sir. This is really something.

Humphrey Bogart and Ida Lupino...

...played a terrific love scene
right in this thing.

My, still warm, isn't it?

Kind of romantic here, all right.
The moon and the stars and the moon.

Come on, sit down.

You know, my latest song
was about the moon.

- Would you like to hear it?
- Some other time.

When Bogart was making love to Lupino
right on this bench...

...he put his arm around her.

Yes, that was wonderful.

But I think Ida was much better in
Give the Little Girl a Break. Did you see it?

Not that I remember.

There was one scene where she goes
to the home of this great singer.

She pleads with him. She pleads.
She says:

"You've got to listen to my song,
do you hear? You've got to.

You've been putting me off long enough.
Yes, Miss Dixon. No, Miss Dixon.

I've got to go, Miss Dixon.

Don't you think I know you're not interested
in my song? Or the moon, for that matter?

You've got it all figured out, haven't you?
You've been awfully smart, haven't you?

Well, get this: I wrote that song for you.
For you, do you hear?

You made me do it.

Yes. Yes, that's it. You made me do it."

And then she sings that beautiful song
about the moon.

I don't remember that picture at all.

Come on.

I'll show you where Joe and I live.

Here we are.

Home, sweet home. Cozy, isn't it?

"Home, Sweet Home."
That's a good song.

Yeah. Step inside and look around.

All right.

Well, not much privacy, is there?

That's us. Always open house.

We salvaged this from The Roaring Twenties.
Remember Jimmy Cagney in that picture?

Do I remember Jimmy Cagney?
He was wonderful.

That big scene where he backs the crooked
producer up against the wall and he says:

"Look here, sonny boy.

Are you gonna listen to this kid's song? Or
do I slap you in the kisser with a grapefruit?

So it's not on the hit parade.
It's not on the hit parade.

So what? You're gonna put it there, see?

Because little Jimmy told you to, see?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

When you sing it, you're not doing me a
favor. No. You're doing yourself a favor.

But just the same, my mother thanks you,
my father thanks you...

...my sister thanks you and I thank you."

And then he does
that terrific dance routine.

All right, don't knock yourself out.
I'll listen to your song.

- Oh, swell. You'll love the title. I call it--
CHARLIE: Tommy.

- Tommy Randolph? Tommy.
- Yeah?

Come on back, will you?

- Who are we throwing this party for?
- Okay.

- Hurry. Hurry up.
- Let's go.

Wait, aren't you gonna listen
to my song?

You heard what Charlie said. Come on.

Here he is now.

- Okay, okay, do you want action?
- Yes.

- All right. We'll give it to you.
- Yeah.

- Let them have it, Spike.
- All right.

[SINGING]
Sprinkle me with perfume rare

And I'll be on my way

Stick some slickum on my hair

I may be gone all day

Oh, I'm ridin' for a fall

Dudin' up, dudin' up
In my shirts and ties

For the gal with the big blue eyes

Oh, I'm ridin' for a fall

Dudin' up, dudin' up
In my two-tone shoes

For the gal with the baby blues

CHORUS: Oh, yes, I know
She's a dangerous critter, I know

She's a dangerous critter, I know

She's a dangerous critter, I know

But I can't quit her

I'm ridin' for a fall

Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise

To the gal with the big blue eyes

Oh, yes, I know
She's a witch of a woman, I know

She's a witch of a woman

I know, she's a witch of a woman

I know

But I'm so human

I'm ridin' for a fall

Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise

To the gal with the big blue eyes

Oh, yes, I know
People died of her cookin', I know

People died of her cookin', I know
People died of her cookin'

But, oh, she's so good-lookin'

I'm ridin' for a fall

Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise

To the gal with the big blue eyes

- Oh, yes, I know
- Oh, yes, I know

- She's a quick on the trigger, I know
- Oh, yes, I know

- She's a quick on the trigger, I know
- Oh, yes, I know

- She's a quick on the trigger
- I know

But, oh, that figure

I'm ridin' for a fall

Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise

To the gal with the big blue eyes

Oh, yes, I know

- She'll be spendin' my sugar
- I know

- She'll be spendin' my sugar
- I know

- She'll be spendin' my sugar
- But, oh

Oh, you can't rhyme sugar

I'm ridin' for a fall

Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise

To the gal with the big blue eyes

- Yes, I'm ridin' for a fall
- Yes, I'm ridin' for a fall

Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise

To the gal with the big blue eyes

Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise

To the gal with the big blue eyes

Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise

To the gal with the big blue eyes

You made the mistake of your life
signing up with that Cantor.

He'll clip you somehow.

Joe, will you just take me to
the man's home? I can take care of myself.

I'll breeze in, knock the old boy dead
with numbers.

- After we settle the billing--
- You'll sing him "Moondust."

- Yeah.
-"Moondust"? What's "Moondust"?

Well, that's my song.
Tommy's gonna sing it for his new boss.

Yeah, I kind of promised Pat last night.
Why not?

- If a guy's got influence, he should use it.
- That's right.

If you'll sing that song,
you'd better get familiar with the lyric.

Go ahead. Read them.

Let's see, now.

"Moondust" by Irving Dixon.

- That's my pen name.
- Irving?

- Well, Berlin did all right with it.
- Yes, he did all right, yeah.

I'll just give you the first chorus.

"Moondust, you shone from above.

Moondust, you lit up my love.

Moondust, you gave love a shove
right into my arms."

Solid, huh?

- Yeah, yes, very good.
- Yeah, that's good. That's good.

"Moondust, why did I fall?

Moondust, why did love call?

Moondust, you had so much on the ball.

That you made me fall for his charms."

- Arms and charms, that's nice rhyme.
- Yeah?

- Quite unusual. It's like moon and spoon.
- It's solid.

Now, dig this finish.

"Though he looked like grade A
beneath that old Milky Way, he left me.

But now I'm wise.

There's no kiss on my lips.

There's a total eclipse
because, moondust, you got in my eyes."

All it needs is a little more moondust.

Yeah? I got a lot of extra choruses too,
you know?

- You'll never top that one.
- Oh, thanks.

You think this song is right
for Mr. Cantor?

Nobody else should ever have
that number.

Let me get this straight.
You want Dinah Shore for a benefit?

- What kind of a benefit?
- It's just one of those things.

You know, for allied charities.

Allied charity? You mean
the Cavalcade of Stars this Saturday?

That's it.
Every star in the business will be there.

It will be the biggest, the greatest.
It will be a nice little show.

Little show? Why, it'll be sensational.

- Well, of course you can have Dinah Shore.
- Really?

- Olaf, how long have we been at that thing?
- About 15 minutes.

Enough. I don't wanna get tired.

Can you have Dinah Shore?
You certainly can.

She'll be marvelous.
Dinah will come and sing a song.

I'll do seven or eight numbers,
half an hour, with applause, 45 minutes.

Before I get through,
it'll be a great show.

A great show.

Mr. Cantor, really,
I don't believe that you understand.

You don't grip the point
we are driving into.

Even if we didn't have a reason
to not want you...

...which we got, we still don't want you.

- Yup.
- No, no, no.

What Dr. Schlenna is trying to say is...

...that we are using
motion-picture names exclusively.

Motion--? I've been a star for years.
Won't you call me a name?

Oh, definitely.
But not the kind I could put in lights.

That's very funny.
I know what you're thinking about.

I'm gonna use old jokes. Like when
I walk into a store and the woman says:

"Sonny, would you mind holding
that door open?" I said, "Sonny?

I'd like to have you know
I'm the father of five girls."

She said, "Would you mind repeating that?"
I said, "Not if I can help it."

Oh, yes. I've always laughed at that one.

I don't do those old jokes anymore.

How would you like to hear a song
they wrote for me today?

- No.
- Fine. I'll let you hear it.

- Oh, but, we haven't time.
- Olaf.

A couple of choruses.
It'll take half an hour.

Olaf, do you remember the number?

- I'll fake it.
- Just a minute, Olaf. That's fine.

Boys, sit down.

I always like to give the help a treat.
They love me.

[BUZZING]

Uh-oh.

- He's on again.
- If I have to hear him sing once more...

...I'll scream.

- Here we go again.
- And what about the roast beef?

Never mind the roast beef.
We gotta watch the ham.

Come on, everybody.

One way of keeping your help,
entertain them.

Come on, everybody.
Get ready for your treat.

I always try out my new songs
on the household staff.

If they laugh, I use the new song.
If they don't--

We'll get a new staff.

[STAFF LAUGHING]

CANTOR:
Play, Olaf.

[SINGING]
Thank you for your cordial invitation

Mrs. Jones

But with nightclub life, we're through

Nonessential spending brings inflation
Mrs. Jones

So here's what we're planning to do

We're staying home tonight
My baby and me

Doing the patriotic thing

I've got my income-tax return to hurdle

And she'll be saving mileage
On her girdle

Don't wanna roam tonight

We're snug as can be

Hoping the phone will never ring

The landlord never told us
When we moved in this flat

That you can use the fireside
For more than a chat

We're staying home tonight
My baby and me

Doin' the patriotic thing

We're staying home tonight
Baby and me

Having a patriotic time

It's not that Mommy
Doesn't trust her poppy

It's just that we don't trust our old jalopy

Don't wanna roam tonight

We're snug as can be

Being alone is just sublime

While I sit in my slippers
And munch a piece of fruit

She'll iron out the wrinkles
In my victory suit

We're staying home tonight
My baby and me

Having a patriotic time

We'll play a game of rummy

It's cheaper than The Ritz

The winner wins a kiss
And just in case of a blitz

We're staying home tonight
My baby and me

Having a patriotic time

Her coffee could be sweeter
But I'm not in the dumps

Because every time she hugs me
It's like two extra lumps

We're staying home tonight
Baby and me

Having a patriotic time

What? Only one bow?

They love me.

- Wait for me. I'll be out soon.
- Good luck. We'll keep our fingers crossed.

Boys, I can't understand it.
Me with my experience in benefits.

Why don't you want me? Why?

Well, Mr. Cantor, to be brutally frank...

...you have the reputation of taking over
everything you participate in.

Me? I take over?

Yes, please.

Yes, the whole town knows it.
You're nothing but an old fussbudget.

- Me?
- That's right.

You are an old fudgerbudget.

A buzz-- Buzzerbudget-- Fudge--
What he said.

- But, boys.
- No, no, no--

Boys, I am merely trying to help.

Merely trying to help.

That is the trouble.
We don't need help, Mr. Cantor.

I'm staging this show.

We are striving
for an esoteric production.

Satirically, intime.
Aesthetically, entrez nous.

And we don't want it stunk up.

Yes, yeah. That's what we don't want it.

- What?
- Stunk up.

That's-- That I can say.

Listen, all we want is Dinah Shore.

If you want Dinah, take her. She's yours.

As for myself, I want nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

- Oh, well, thank you, Mr. Cantor.
- Thank you. Thank you.

I want nothing at all.

You'll make me
chairman of the committee?

- Chairman of the committee?
CANTOR: Why, certainly.

- That is out. Definitely out.
- Right. If that's the way you feel about it...

...no Cantor, no Dinah Shore
and no sandwiches.

- No, no, no.
- Very well. Come, Schlenna.

Wait a minute, boys. Let's not be hasty.
Of course, we can talk this thing over--

Hi, Mr. Cantor.
I'm glad to see you. I'm Tommy.

You see, you don't have to rush away--
Who?

Tommy Randolph.
You know, radio program.

- Radio program?
- Yeah.

Look, I'm busy. I'll see you.

- As I was saying--
- Take your time.

After all, we got a whole career
ahead of us, eh, Eddie?

There's no point
to any further discussion. Come.

You don't understand.
I'm sure that we can iron this thing out.

We don't want to iron.
We just want Dinah Shore.

I discovered her.
I discovered Dinah Shore.

- She isn't the only one, eh, Eddie?
- Of course not. Why, she--

Look, young man, I'm a little bit busy
and I'll see you in a few minutes.

Is that all right?

How can you think of Dinah
working without me?

It's like bread without butter,
ham without eggs.

- Like Cantor without Randolph.
- Cantor without Randolph.

- Who's Randolph?
- Who's Randolph?

Combination of Dennis Day,
Kenny Baker and Bing Crosby...

-...all rolled into one, that's all.
- Look--

Whoever you are, just take a nice long walk
or a swim, will you?

Will you do that for me?

- I'm sure that we can get together.
- Not on your terms, Mr. Cantor.

Your whole attitude has been highly
uncooperative, extremely ungenerous.

Wait a minute. Wait.

- You can't talk like that to Mr. Cantor.
- Quiet.

- He's the most generous man I've met.
- Speak up.

- Everybody knows Mr. Cantor's generosity.
- There you are.

- What was I yesterday?
- Yeah.

- Nothing, nobody.
- Nobody.

- What am I today?
- What?

A star. And you wanna know why?

- Go on, tell them, son.
- I'll tell you why.

Because this man, the soul of generosity,
took me, an unknown kid...

...without an audition.

Took me and signed me up to a contract.

The boy is right. He's absolutely ri--

Contract? What are you talking about?
What kind of a contract?

- I've got it right with me, boss.
- Well, who-?

- Nobody's going around insulting Eddie.
- No, no, no.

Not while he's got me
for a hundred bucks.

Say, this is a contract.
Silly of me to forget.

Oh, Olaf.

That's all right.
You've got plenty on your mind.

Plenty. Olaf, this young man
has a contract with me.

Let's show him inside, shall we?

Don't trouble yourselves, Eddie.

Oh, no trouble at all, eh, Olaf?

It's a pleasure.

I'll see you in a minute, gentlemen.

[CANTOR HUMMING
"LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN"]

Tommy's been in there
quite a while now.

- I wonder how he's coming out.
CANTOR: Stay out of here.

Gentlemen, have you reached a decision?

Oh, yes. Yes, Mr. Cantor, we have.

- And against our better judgment--
- We must have Dinah Shore.

So we have decided to make you
chairman of the benefit committee.

But it is clearly understood the position
is entirely honorary...

...and you are not to interfere
with the show.

Me interfere with the show? Me--?

If I interfere, I hope I never take
a bow again as long as I live.

Why, I won't even come to rehearsal.

CANTOR [SINGING]:
One, two

Now you're dancing

One, two, watch your tempo

Play that music

Pizzicato

You girls get over there

Hold that tempo

Now, girls, follow me

One, two, three, four

Look. Look. Look what he does
with that beautiful music...

...and my orchestration.

Your orchestration.
What about my dance routine?

- He's ruined it. He's ruined it, I tell you.
- I know it.

And why? Because you had to make him
chairman of the committee.

And why?
Because you had to have Dinah Shore.

Please don't blame me
with your blaming.

Blame you? Who's blaming you?

I am. That's who.

Please. Well, why don't you insult him
like we discussed it?

Why don't you insult him
like we discussed it?

I will tell you.
Because you are more disgusting than me.

Is that so?
Who do you think you are anyway?

Wait a minute, girls. Hold everything.
Boys, stop playing the music.

Stop the music.

Gentlemen, you are ruining my rehearsal.

Your rehearsal? Our rehearsal.
You're ruining our rehearsal.

But, boys, what have I done?

We had this number rehearsed and perfect
four hours ago.

And then you came into the picture.

And let me tell you, we're about fed up
with you and your interference.

Fed up, do you hear me? Up to here.

- Aren't we, doctor?
- Higher.

You see?

I can't understand it.
You should thank me for coming.

The music was bad.
The lighting was no good.

But one thing I will say,
who designed that costume?

- That's my work. I did.
- Congratulations.

Someone should give you a hotfoot
up to here.

Higher.

- What's that animal it shouldn't happen to?
- A dog.

That's it.

Now, girls, we'll try it again.

Boys, close your curtains.

I wanna keep this very intimate.
Come down here.

This will be the biggest thing
I've ever done.

And I've done some big things.
Sometimes I even frighten myself.

Now, listen to me.
We've got to do something about Cantor.

We gotta get rid of him. You take him
away someplace and talk to him.

- Oh, no.
- Talk to him.

I don't want to talk to him. No, no.

He told me today three times
the story of his life. No. No, no, no.

The story of his life?

Why, that's it.

That is it. The story of his life.

Doctor, you're a genius.

Naturally.

Keep the line straight. You're doing fine.
It's by accident. That's it.

MAN: Mr. Cantor.
- Yes, sir.

- You're wanted on the telephone.
- Thank you, son. Son?

Hello? Just a minute, please.

- Who's winning?
- I am.

I've got half of your game. Yes?

Mr. Cantor,
this is Colonel Robert E. Jefferson...

...of the Montgomery Post Gazette, sir.
Yes, sir.

Look, I'm a very busy man
and I'm not doing any advertising this year.

We allow as how you're very busy, sir...

...but what we all down--
Down here wants from you all up there...

...is the complete story of your life, sir.

My life?

A pleasure, colonel. I'll make it brief.

Just pull up a chair.

You begin right at the beginning, sir,
and don't omit any of the details...

...no matter how boring they may be, sir.
Yes, sir.

Fine. Well, colonel, my ancestors crossed
the plains in the first covered wagon.

If you ever saw my ancestors, you'd
understand why the wagon was covered.

Ha-ha-ha. Don't print that.

- I was born in September...
- Psst. Boy.

MAN: Yes.
- Tell Dr. Schlenna to put...

...that Jack Carson-Alan Hale number
on right away.

The Carson-Hale number, Dr. Schlenna.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

[SINGING] Weren't you on the bill with me
In Dallas?

Or was it the Palace?

Or was it the Strand?

Didn't you have a blond with you
named Alice?

Yes, that was in Dallas

And wasn't she grand?

I know your face, it's a face in a million

Shake, brother, shake
With a brother vaudevillian

- Hello. Hello.
- Hello. Hello.

You look all ready to go
But where you're goin' to go

I certainly wish you'd let me know

- Goodbye. Goodbye.
- Goodbye. Goodbye.

A happy fellow am I
And though you'll call me an awful sap

Who? Me?

I found a wonderful spot on the map

I'm goin' North

He's goin' North

Not talkin' about South

Not talkin' about South

Not talkin' about West

One place he loves best

I'm shoutin'
I don't wanna live without the--

- Why don't they write a song about the--?
- North

- You heard him say North
- Not talkin' about East

He never mentioned East

I just wanna feast

Oh, boy, what a feast

- These eyes on Syracuse and Albany
- Buffalo and Schenectady

North is my favorite direction

Pointin' to the State of Maine

Pardon me, boy
If that's the Chattanooga Choo Choo

Well, I guess I must be
On the wrong train

- Because I'm heading
- North

I think you mean it

I've been back and forth

You've really seen it?

Oh, Mother
You can take a rock and slam me

If I should ever call you Mammy
Way up North

- Two, three, four
- Two, three, four

- Six, seven, eight
- Six, seven, eight

Stop, I'm goin' North

He's still goin' North

Too lazy down South

Hates the sugar cane in his mouth

Too lonely out West

Pardner, get it off your chest

I can't begin to tell you how I love the--

- Cities and states and counties of the--
- North.

He knows his own mind

Northeast will not do

He's quite particular

Northwest gets me blue

He's perpendicular

Head straight
For Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

Labrador and on and on to the North

That's my favorite direction

Pointin' up to Hudson Bay

Pardon me, boy

But when the midnight choo-choo leaves
for Alabama

I won't be goin' your way

- Because I'm headin'
- North

He'll never have a famine

I've been back and forth

He lives on Nova Scotia salmon

You'll find me
where there is no cotton pickin'

Never again to fry a chicken

Way up North

- Stop, the North is my favorite direction
- Stop, the North is my favorite direction

- Pointin' to the Arctic Sea
- Pointin' to the Arctic Sea

Pardon me, boy,
is this the road to Mandalay?

Well, you can go to Mandalay but not me

Because we're headin'

- North
- Is that your attitude?

I've been back and forth

In every latitude?

We are the only act in vaudeville

That never will be content
Until we're way up

- Mush
- Hey

- Way up
- Way up

We're not from Dixie

- Way up
- Way up

- We are from hunger
- We are from hunger

- Way up North
- Way up North

Yes, sir. Anyway, colonel,
thanks to perseverance and clean living...

...by the time I was 2 years old,
I made money to retire.

So I kept right on working.

When I was 3, I entered school,
but at the end of the first term, I quit...

...and opened up a school of my own.

Some months later, I was married
and everybody congratulated my wife.

I was the catch of the season.

- Hello.
- How are you?

Congratulations, Charlie. I'm glad
somebody in Gower Gulch got a job.

Yeah, that's swell.
Just heard about it, fellows.

Don't let these Cherokee union suits
fool you.

We got all dolled up to take publicity
pictures with Edward G. Robinson.

We made him an honorary chief.

It's a newspaper plug
for Cavalcade of Stars.

That's that benefit Saturday night,
isn't it?

Yeah. I've got to get out of these things.

My girdle is killing me.

[LAUGHING]

The Cavalcade of Stars.
Boy, that's really gonna be a show.

Bette Davis, Ann Sheridan,
Humphrey Bogart.

What a benefit. Every big shot's there.

I'm my best
in front of a professional audience.

If I had a chance to sing for a crowd
like that, I bet I'd get a dozen contracts.

You want an aspirin? What's the matter?

- I've got an idea. Why don't you do it?
- What don't I what?

Go to the theater
and tell them to put you on Saturday.

Pat, you forget one little item.

You know I have a great voice, so do I.
They don't.

Let me give you a tip.
In show business, you've got to have poise.

Be professional. Be aggressive.
Be egotistical. You understand?

With my personality,
I couldn't get through that stage door.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

Joe, can you get him in?

After all, Davis and I are pals.

Bette Davis, the actress?

No. Max Davis, the doorman.

- Come on, then. What are we waiting for?
- Wait a minute. I'm not so sure.

Yeah, but it's worth a try.
If it works, it'll be a break for you.

Oh, and for "Moondust" too.

- Yeah, "Moondust."
- Yeah, "Moondust."

- Well, let's go.
- Let's go.

JOE:
She said, "Let's go."

CANTOR: This ought to make great reading.
Inspirational stuff. Now, to continue.

By that time,
I had five lovely daughters, all girls.

That's the year I made
Whoopie for Ziegfeld.

Am I boring you, colonel?

Yes, indeed.

Oh, certainly not, Mr. Cantor.
No, of course not.

It's most interesting. Pray, continue, sir.

- Mr. Farnsworth.
- What do you want?

- Have you got time for Ann Sheridan?
- Have I got time for A--?

The question is,
has Ann Sheridan got time for me?

Have we got time to rehearse
her number?

Oh, the number? Yes. Go ahead with it.
Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Go ahead with Ann Sheridan.

Come on, boys, boys, boys.

"And so, young ladies, feminine charm
and dignity must be preserved.

Let man pursue, let woman elude."

It is always thus that love is born.

Here is a book, enormous,
on how to conduct our lives.

[SINGING]
Everything will come to her who waits

But how long must a lady wait for dates?

Somebody please inform us

Exactly how love arrives

You've got to join in the chase yourself

Now, here's my story, so brace yourself

Love isn't born on a beautiful April morn

Love isn't born, it's made

And that's why every window
Has a window shade

Love can't do much
For a couple who don't quite touch

Love needs a chance to advance

And that's why folks who never cared
For dancin', dance

So, my precious young dove
If you're waitin' for love

Better make the most of your charms

For the feelin' won't start
In the gentleman's heart

Till you're in the gentleman's arms

Love isn't born

That's a fable to treat with scorn

Let's call a spade a spade

When he says
"Dear, come up and see my antique jade"

Remember, love isn't born

It's made

How true, how true, how very, very true
It's all a game

How wise, how wise, how very, very wise
To fan the flame

That old Prince Charming story
Was a fake

The Sleeping Beauty
Must have been awake

You've got us all believing in you

Continue, please continue

Love has to climb

It can't suddenly ring that chime

Climb, sister, time is short

Sister, won't you be a sport?

You'll find there's no partition
In a davenport

No partition, no partition in a davenport

Love doesn't act

Till the cards are discretely stacked

Here is a fact to face

Yes, you gotta face the fact

A man won't take a taxi
Just to get no place

How they hate a taxi gettin' no place

So, my precious young dove
If you're dreamin' of love

Better lead him into the trap

For you'll never remain
On the gentleman's brain

Till you're on the gentleman's lap

- Love won't exist
- Oh, no

If you constantly slap that wrist

You do and you'll be

Right off his list, you'll fade

Yes, you gotta be careful

So don't keep cryin' wolf
At every gay young blade

And when you walk alone and forlorn

And then you hear a Cadillac horn

Remember, love isn't born

It's made

- Uh-oh. Max Davis.
- What about him?

- That's not him.
- Huh?

Well, let's go home and wash the bus.

- No, wait. Let's wash this up first.
- That's right.

When Tommy Randolph says he's gonna
get in someplace, nobody keeps him out.

Now you're talking. That's what I call
taking the bull by the horns.

Yeah, but look at that bull.

[WHISTLING]

Hello.

- Where are you going?
- There. I gotta see a man about a job.

You must have skipped reading
when you went to school.

Why, nobody gets in there.
Now, blow, will you? Blow.

If Tommy wants to get in,
nobody keeps him out.

Nobody except the doorman.

Uh-oh. What now? Another idea?

And what an idea. Come on, Joe.

Now wait, you don't understand.

I understand my orders.

Nobody goes in there
without a written pass.

Now, blow, kiddie.

You can't do it. You can't break my heart
and toss me aside like a flower.

- You can't do it, Harry.
- But-- But-- But Harry.

Oh, don't hit me again. Please don't.

All I ask is bread
for our three little babies.

Oh, please, Harry. Don't twist my arm.

You've got me mixed up
with somebody else. It's Joe.

You beast.
How can you let your children starve...

...while you buy champagne
for that hussy?

- Can I be of assistance?
- How dare you interfere in a conversation.

Will you mind your business?
Champagne?

- I was only--
- Keep your mouth out of this.

- If we need your help, we'll ask for it.
- Yes.

You think you're a wise guy
or something.

JOE: Yes, I'm a wise guy or something.
-[MOUTHING] Go on.

DOORMAN: What about it? Plenty about it.
You think you're tough, huh?

I'm tough.
Wanna make something out of it?

Take off them glasses, shrimp.

All right, there.
What are you gonna do about it?

Well, hello, gentlemen.

How do you do?
We're very busy and I'm--

- Oh, hello. How are you?
- Hello.

That was some clambake
at the pool yesterday.

- Cantor made a horse's neck out of me.
- Horse's neck?

Together with us,
that makes one complete horse.

Nobody can treat me like that
and get away.

If I ever lay my hands
on the broken-down runt--

- Yes, yes, go on.
- I'll break every bone in his body.

You will kick him a few times too, yes?

And maybe step on his face a little?

Well, I don't wanna bother you
with my headache.

- I came to get in the show.
- In this show?

- Yes. Who do I see?
- You see us.

- No, no, no.
- No?

Yes, of course. Go right ahead. Not us.
We can't go over the head of the chairman.

- No, we can't.
- See the chairman of the committee.

Swell. Where do I find him?

Right in that office, there. Walk right in.

- Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
- You don't have to knock.

Then came the stock-market crash and I
opened up an antique shop. Such antiques.

No, no. None of my jokes.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in. Well, of cour-- Well, naturally.

Pardon me.
They told me I could find the--

You again?

Olaf.

OLAF:
Stay out of here.

Oh, I'm sorry, Joe.

Please, Pat, if you get any more ideas,
leave me out of them.

- Well, you made a great sacrifice, Joe.
- Yeah.

At least we know
Tommy's sitting pretty.

Well, anyhow, sitting.

Oh, my jaw. How can you eat like that
with the fall you took?

Where I landed,
it doesn't hurt my appetite.

I can't help feeling
we're overlooking something.

- There's a way to get Tommy in that show.
- I'd be in it if it weren't for that weasel.

I'll get even with him
if I have to break every sidewalk in town.

Now you know how I feel.

I hope I never hear
his obnoxious name again.

WOMAN:
Eddie Cantor.

[COUGHING]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

Please forgive me for laughing,
but every time I see that ridiculous face...

Mr. Cantor, I simply must have
an autograph.

- I'm sorry but I don't happen to be the--
- Those glasses didn't fool me.

I'd know little Eddie anywhere.

And those silly, silly eyes.

You will give me your autograph,
won't you, pretty please?

- Look, I don't wanna disappoint you--
TOMMY: Go on.

Sign it.
Let the lady go back to her table, Eddie.

Eddie? Oh. Oh, oh.

Oh, thank you,
you dear, dear funny man.

And remember, if you ever come to Peoria,
I'd like to spend some Wednesday with you.

Don't you forget now.

Goodbye.

[CRASHING]

Oh, I beg your pardon. Goodbye.

You see, I'm haunted. It's a curse.

Wait a minute, Joe.

- What's the matter, Pat? You got a pain?
- No, she's got another idea.

- I'm gonna fill the bus.
- No, wait.

If you were Eddie Cantor, you'd let Tommy
sing tomorrow night, wouldn't you?

Of course he would. He's my pal.

All right, we'll cut his hair a little bit,
take off those glasses...

...and presto,
Joe Simpson is Eddie Cantor.

Now, just a minute.

He goes down to the theater and tells them
to put me on. I can see the whole thing.

If you can see me at the theater,
you need glasses.

- No, I'm not gonna do it. Not even for you.
- Oh, but, Joe.

He's right, Tommy. It's too much to ask.

After all, a part like this
requires great acting.

Acting? What do you mean, acting?

What a part. An actor's dream.

A chance to impersonate
your own worst enemy?

- Too bad. Joe couldn't handle it.
- No.

Who couldn't handle it?
I, sir, am an actor.

Well, yeah.
But I don't think we can risk it.

But you've got to. This is my big chance.

What do your think, Pat?

Well, okay.

Thank you, Pat.
I'll never forget you for this.

- But how are we gonna get rid of Cantor?
- Huh?

You can't have the two of us
running around the theater.

- Yeah, we've gotta get rid of him somehow.
- Yeah, but how?

You can't give him back to the Indians.

Indians. That's it.

Indians. Indians.

[ALL HOOTING]

Uh. Uh-huh.

Sure, Joe. Be glad to help you out.

Don't do anything to him that won't hurt.

Don't worry.
We'll talk it over when you get here.

Thanks a million.

- How'd you make out?
- What did he say?

- What did he say? We're all set.
- I told you.

- Yeah.
- Good old Charlie.

- I'll show them I'm an actor.
- A great actor.

- This is the start of your new career.
- No more tourists, bus.

- What a pleasure.
- Hey, Joe.

Two suckers in the bus.

- Well, business before pleasure. So long.
- So long, Joe.

- Goodbye. See you later.
- Yeah.

Oh, if this only works.

- Pat, you were wonderful.
- Oh, sure.

- Sometimes being a genius comes in handy.
- No kidding.

When I get to be a star,
I'll thank you for it.

- Oh, think nothing of it.
- I think more of it than you realize.

Here's a cute number. "No You, No Me."

It's kind of appropriate too.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

[SINGING]
Without you, I'll never be much

Without you, my plans will fall through

So I have prepared this reliable
Collection of facts undeniable

To point out how much I depend on you

No sunny little sunbeam

No springtime

No tasty little apple

No pie

No tricky little trombone

No swing time

No one and one, no two

Nothing could be more true

No rainy little raindrop

No ocean

No lovely one to sigh for

No sigh

Oh, honey.

And there's my little song of devotion

Which all adds up so obviously
No you, no me

No 60 little minutes

Oh, no hour

No healthy little moo-cow

No cream

No alternating current

No power

No great Tchaikovsky tunes

No hit-parade moons in June

No pretty little mirror

No reflection

No pretty little dream girl

No dreams

Plus lots of other terms of affection

Which all add up more personally
No you, no me

In other words, I'm hot on your trail

Mm-mm.

VOICE:
No sale

Mr. Farnsworth hates animals.
Better get this out before he sees it.

- Mr. Cantor ordered it and he got it.
- Well, don't say I didn't tell you.

I tell you, Schlenna. It is chaos.
Just utter chaos.

- You hear his latest idea?
- What?

He wants us to dress
the girls as boiled potatoes...

...and have them dive in a tank
of sour cream.

- Ridiculous. It would splash.
- Why--?

- Mr. Farnsworth.
- What?

- Attend to these?
- What?

- Just initial them.
- Why? Don't argue.

Please don't argue with me.
I tell you I can't stand anymore.

I can't stand it. No.

Seven hours till curtain time
and Cantor wants to change our finale.

Oh, I tell you, he's just wrecking my life.

Thank you, Schlenna. Thank you.

I know exactly how you feel.
I know that I have your sympathy.

But if that man, Cantor,
makes one more suggestion--

[SCREAMS]

No, no. You must not lose your grip.
Whatever happens, keep--

A lion. Please, help. A lion. A lion.

- A lion.
- All right. No danger.

You just look him straight in the eye, huh?
But, here, halt, halt.

This I don't believe.

- What's the idea of these animals?
- They're for the Harlem number.

Mr. Cantor changed the scene
to the jungle.

- Oh, he did, did he?
- Yes, sir.

You have those beasts
sent back to Walt Disney.

- Where they belong.
- Yes.

- Why, this is preposterous.
- Preposterous.

- It's ridiculous.
- Ridiculous.

Schlenna, this is the end.

Yes, I can see that.

And Dinah Shore or no Dinah Shore,
I'm gonna tell him that right now.

- Mr. Cantor, we have--
- Go on, go on. Get out of here...

...and shut that door.
Mr. Cantor's occupied.

- Out, out, out.
- Oh, excuse me.

Out.

- Hey, hey, you.
- Hey, hey, who? Why you hey?

I'm talking to you.
Where would Eddie Cantor be?

If he would be where I like him to be,
he's already crisp on both sides.

Wait. You know who you're talking to?

- No, you know who you are talking to?
- No. I don't care.

You, see. I was happy
not to meet you. Goodbye.

- Just a minute, come back.
- Oh, no, no.

Come back here.

Don't you believe
Eddie Cantor wants to talk to me?

He's been sending me notes all day.
I'll show some notes to you.

- Notes to me?
- Yeah.

Notes to you too?

I'm a musician. I know more
about notes than you do.

All right, all right. Cool off.

This is no time to be burning up
all that good beef.

Keep your hands to myself.

And when I talk to you,
keep a silly tongue in my head.

- Well, what did I do?
- Did I send for you?

- Why, no, but--
- Did I start this?

- Well, no, but--
- You mind my business and I mind yours.

Get out, stay out and never come back.

You understand?

Why, sure. If that's the way you want it.

Chiseler.

Let the old man bulldoze you, eh?

Yeah, that ain't like me.

Gee, I hope none of my movie fans
hear about this.

FARNSWORTH: Schlenna. Schlenna.
- What?

- Did you did it so fast?
- That big brute, Olaf. He's in there and he--

Oh, I tell you the whole thing
is just hopeless.

Farnsworth, I got you
into this complication.

- And it's up to me to make a mess out of it.
- Why?

I mean, who? How?

I tell Dinah Shore she's out of the show.

That is perfect and that will do it.
But you be firm with her, won't you?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Why, Dr. Schlenna, how nice.

Miss Shore, there is something
I must say to you.

Oh, please don't say Miss Shore.
I'm Dinah to you.

Oh, yes. Well, Dinah--

You're gonna scold me for not learning
the ending. But I know it now. Listen.

[SINGING]

- Is that right, doctor?
- Yes, beautiful.

Is beau-- But, Miss Shore, Dinah--

- I just dropped in--
- And it was darn sweet of you too.

Imagine visiting me.
A great man like you.

But what I came-- Like me?

You're not only a great conductor,
but I think you're a terribly nice person.

But all I came here for is--

- You do?
- Yes.

- You know something, doctor?
- What?

- The minute I laid eyes on you...
- No, no, no.

-...I had the most irresistible desire--
- Please, I have a wife in Malibu.

Oh, your wife won't mind.
I really can't resist it.

- I have little grandchildren.
- Won't you let me do it now?

- I-- What?
- This.

Gee, Dinah, Dinah.

I just had to get that out of my system.

Now, what was it you wanted to talk
to me about?

- Well, we just thought that--
- Yes?

Dinah, we thought when you are ready
we run through your number.

All right.
You run along and I'll be right down.

And any time you want to--

- Please help yourself.
- All right.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Joe, I hate to do a thing like this
to a nice fellow like you.

In all my life, I no see such a face.

He is repulsive, isn't he?
But do your best.

Don't you worry. When I finish,
you're gonna look repulsive just like him.

Oh, Joe. The boys are getting impatient.
How's it coming?

Great. I'm getting uglier by the minute.

Angelo, what's cutting?
Haven't you finished yet?

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Look, I am not a magician.
To cut hair, takes just so long.

- Angelo.
- Shut up.

If you want artistic job, you see Angelo.

If you want speed,
you see Mr. Henry Kaiser.

CHARLIE: Hey, Tommy, you know it's 1:00?
SAM: Yeah. Let's get going.

Hey, what I got here?
Wash bowl or Rose Bowl?

Look at this, Angelo.
You left the sides too full.

Look at that kisser.

How could he let anyone
photograph him from the side?

You had a pan like that,
you wouldn't show more than half of it.

- That's fine, Angelo. It's perfect.
- That looks pretty good to me.

- There, I'm all finished.
- Oh, and you made good time too.

Here you are, Joe.

Thank you, Angelo.
I think you did a great job.

- Thank you.
- I'm beginning to hate myself already.

Well, here you are. And this is for you.

- What's the matter? Five cents of tips?
- So long, Angelo.

- Come on, let's go.
- Let's go.

PAT: We gotta hurry, now.
TOMMY: Come on.

Gentlemen, final rehearsal.

And for Dinah Shore,
play like you never played before.

Play good.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYS]

[SINGING]
The early birdie used to sing

Go to work, go to work
Better go to work

And a day was a busy thing

But now without you, you

That birdie sings another tune

Stay asleep, stay asleep
Better stay asleep

All morning, night and noon

The dreamer, the dreamer

I reckon that's my name

Since you're gone away

But how am I gonna see you
Unless I dream all day?

All the long and miserable day

They call me the dreamer

They tell me it's a shame

How lazy I seem

But how am I gonna hold you
Unless I dream, dream, dream?

So I stroll among the trees

Like I didn't have a chore to do

And I let the summer breeze

Come and kiss me like a real and true

Kiss from you

The dreamer, the dreamer

I reckon that's my name

Why change it?

What for?

I wanna stay a dreamer
Till you're home once more

So I stroll among the trees

Like I didn't have a chore to do

And I let the summer breeze

Come and kiss me like a real and true

Kiss from you

The dreamer, the dreamer

I reckon that's my name

Why change it?

What for?

I wanna stay a dreamer
Till you're home once more

Till you're home and waking me up

Once more

Till you're home

And waking me up

Once more

I don't wanna press you,
are you still pressing my coat?

- I'm on the trousers now, boss.
- Well, then shake a leg.

[LAUGHS]

You get it? Trousers? Shake a leg?

Oh, yeah. That's a hot one, boss.

- Olaf.
- Please, boss, stop. You're killing me.

I can't help myself. Every word that
comes out of my mouth is a scream.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

CANTOR:
Come in.

What's going on? You're in the wrong room.
Gene Autry's two doors down.

We come bring heap, big greeting.
How!

Lookit, I'm on the warpath.

- Will you please get out?
- How.

The same way you came in. That's how.

We come,
take you in Indian brotherhood.

Make you honorary chief.

Boys, that honorary gag's
been done so often, it's corny.

You no want be chief?

We tell white squaw
from LIFE magazine go away.

Wait a minute. You mean there's
a lady here from LIFE magazine?

- Uh.
- Where? Outside?

Uh.

Gonna take picture?
Put them in magazine?

- Uh.
- Say, I'll bet I'll look good at that, huh?

Uh-uh.

- That's fine. I'll do it.
- Good. You put them on war bonnet.

Oh, come here. Finchley, Olaf.
Look, I'm a warrior.

I'll bet this'll keep my wig warm.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Let's see the mirror. See how I look.

I'll bet at that I could pass as an Indian.

That is, with reservations.

[LAUGHS]

What's the matter? Tired of your jobs?

- Oh, no, boss.
- Well, let's go.

Remember, the men you wanna see
are Farnsworth and Schlenna.

They're both burned at Cantor.
So handle them with kid gloves.

Handle them.
Don't know what they look like.

Joe, you can't miss. Schlenna looks
like a beer barrel. Farnsworth, like a moose.

- A moose?
- Here's his clothes and step on it.

- They'll be out in a minute.
- Hurry up. Put them on, Joe.

Little chief look good.

Must wear many feathers.

Yeah. I hope I don't get caught
in a badminton game.

What's he doing now?

Maybe they are going to smoke
a piece of pipe.

Yeah, pies of peep.

Pike's Peak.

Pipe of peace.

Well, if they do, I hope there's
a mickey in the tobacco.

- You got it straight?
- Yeah.

Schlenna's a beer barrel
and Farnsworth is a moose.

Duck, here they come.

How do you do? Step right up here.
It won't take a minute.

- Thank you.
- Look right into the camera, please.

Wearing this suit reminds me
of a gag I once did.

Don't move your head.

Indian comes up to me, says,
"It's tough for us Indians."

I said, "You don't like it...

...why don't you go back
where you came from?" Laugh.

Knocked them silly. How's this?

Just about perfect. Still.

Okay. Let's have it.

Hurry up, boys. Come on.

Look, look, look.
They are kid-snatching him.

My, my, my.

We should maybe call the police. No?

- No.
- No.

Get going. Good luck.

Don't you think we give him
one more tap to make sure?

Oh, he'll be fine.
See you later, Mr. Cantor.

- Okay.
- Your glasses, Joe.

Oh, I'm such a dope.

Keep thinking, Joe.

[CANTOR GROANS]

Why did you hit me, Ida?

Gee, what a celebration.

You don't think
they will be too easy on him?

- Easy? On Cantor?
- No.

Those Indians?
Look what they did to General Custer.

And he was a very nice fellow.

Oh, and I didn't know him.

Hello.

Oh, pardon me.

I've had enough of you, you wolf.

- And now a toast.
- Toast?

I give you the American Indians,
and I add my admiration.

And I give the Indians Eddie Cantor,
and I add my wife's relatives.

Come, come. Get to work.

My, when I think of what that owl face
could have done to our finale--

His finale would have been our ending.

Imagine Schlenna, moments ago,
that egotistical screwball...

-...was making our lives miserable.
- Where is he now?

Who cares, as long as he isn't here.

- Hello.
- How do you do?

Tell you, we are the luckiest people
in the whole world.

Why, Eddie.

What's the matter?

- What's wrong? You look fine.
- Why not? I am fine.

But you passed us
like we was intimate strangers.

- Yes, didn't you know us?
- Know you?

Well, of course I know you.

Well, of course. You are the beer barrel
and you are the moose.

A moose? I'm a Rotarian.
Who's a moose?

You are the moose
and I'm the barrel of beer.

Oh, remember?

Oh, a moose. Oh, yes, yes.

Listen, I know you fellows
have been unhappy with my ideas...

-...so let's forget them, huh?
- What?

You don't want the avocados
coming out of gopher holes?

Avocados?

No, no avocados.

And no lady potatoes
splashing in the tartar sauce?

- No? No? No?
- No lady potatoes. No. No. No.

Forget them.
Go back to your original staging.

Well, well, well.

All I want is to have my protégé sing
tonight. Remember? Tommy Randolph?

Randolph? The boy, what,
took you out from the door twice? The boy?

- Yes. He's my dearest friend.
- Your dearest friend?

Why, yes. Will you do it, please?

- Schlenna?
- No.

I tell you. You promise
not to butt in again and it's a deal.

I promise. Tommy is waiting outside.
I'll go and get him.

I'll go and get him. He's on the outside.

Schlenna, you're right. That blow
on the head has caused loss of memory.

- That man has amnesia.
- On him it's becoming.

- Well, anyway, our troubles are over.
- Yes, they are over.

- Unless he remembers what he forgot.
- Oh, well, in that case, look.

If he does?

- We'll keep this handy, huh?
- No, no, no.

Come.

Miss Hattie McDaniel and Mr. Willie Best.

On-stage, everybody,
for the "Ice Cold Katie" number.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

[SINGING] Private Jones is campin'
On the doorstep of Miss Katie Brown

She must be the very, very coldest
Creature in this town

- He's been there
- For seven days and nights

And now his leave is through

- And still she won't
- Still she won't, still she won't say

I do
Brrrr

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you marry the soldier?

Ice-cold Katie, won't you do it today?

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you marry the soldier?

Soon he'll march away

Yeah, ice-cold Katie
He's a-dyin' to hold you

Keep that date, he came a-hurryin' for

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you marry the soldier?

Soon he's off to war

Here I am outside
Ringin', ringin', ringin' on your bell

Ringin' so long

He's gonna be A-W-O-L

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you do what I told you?

Ice-cold Katie
You're the talk of the town

Ice-cold Katie, please marry the soldier

Melt, melt, melt on down

Ice-cold Katie Brown

Here comes the justice

Lord, bless the justice

Here comes the justice now

I was here at 7

I was here at 10

I was here at 11

- And I positively won't be back again
- I don't blame you

- Is the ring all ready?
- Ask him

- Did the bride get sense?
- No

Is the groom a-feelin' steady

After all the matrimonial suspense?

Is there cake and candy?

- Is the choir in tune?
- We is

Is the fee handy?

The private may be leavin' mighty soon

Kate, Kate, Kate, Katie

Won't you step outside?

Everything is ready but the bride

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you marry the soldier?

Ice-cold Katie, won't you do it today?

Ice-cold Katie
Why don't you marry that soldier?

Soon he'll march away

Ice-cold Katie, he's just dyin' to hold you

Ice-cold Katie
How he grumbles and groans

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you marry the soldier?

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Private Jones, don't you know

You ain't got no
Got no, got no time to spare?

Don't you know we're all sailin'
Sailin', sailin' over there?

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you do what I told you?

Ice-cold Katie, ain't a moment to lose

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you marry the soldier?

Looks like rice and shoes

Spread, spread, spread the news

Here goes the justice
Just watch the justice

Here goes the justice now

- Do you take this woman?
- Of course

- Do you take this man?
- Go ahead

Well, young man and young woman

You'd better get a little loving
While you can

- That's right
- I now pronounce you man and wife

- That's over
- I never had such trouble in my life

Private Jones, don't you know
You ain't got no time to spare?

Don't you know they are sailin'
Sailin', sailin' over there?

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you marry the soldier

Ice-cold Katie, with the shivery frown

Ice-cold Katie
Went and married the soldier

Ice-cold Katie Brown

She got her man

Oh, Katie, she got her man

Oh, Katie, she got her man

Oh, Katie, she's

Katie Brown

Help.

Help. Let me out of here.

Quit that yelling, Cantor.

- Shut up.
- I will not shut up.

- Do you fellows realize who I am?
- Yeah.

- That's what makes it such a pleasure.
- Oh, boys, please.

I've gotta get back to the theater.
Remember, the show must go on.

It'll go on, all right, but without you.

Here, Junior. Here, boy.

Here, Junior. Junior.

- That's Junior?
- Yeah.

Well, what's Senior, a horse?

And don't holler at him. He hates noise.

And he loves the taste of blood.

He'll be awfully disappointed.
I'm anemic.

Now, don't go away.
We're going out for a bite.

Watch him, Junior.

Fine thing. They're going out for a bite
and you came in for one.

Here, Junior.

Come back here, Junior.
See what I have in my hand.

Bite the rope, Junior. It's delicious rope.

It's imported. Bite it.
Bite it in the back like a nice little doggie.

Come on, bite it, will you?

[GROANING]

That hurt.

Indians.

Indians. Indians.

Help. Help.

Maple syrup. Now I'm a wheat cake.

Get out of there.
Get away from my toe, you heel.

Junior.

What?

Junior, get-- Get away from there.

[LAUGHING]

Stop it. Stop it.

Junior, is that your family?

Oh, get me out of here.
Indians. Indians. Get out.

Go on. Go home, you mutts.
Oh, leave me alone, please?

What have I done to you?

Get away from there. Get away.

[TOMMY SINGING]

Operator. Opera--

Stop with that thing.
I'm trying to get the Indians.

This is more important.
Are you sure of that middle, now?

How can I concentrate on the song
when my dress suit isn't here yet?

We're in trouble.
The Indians don't answer.

- Maybe they're not there.
- That's just it.

Suppose Cantor broke loose,
he comes in and finds out what we've done.

Suppose these people learn
I'm Joe Simpson.

I can't understand about my suit.

I've been doing business
with that pawnbroker for years.

Suit. If Cantor shows up here,
we'll all get new suits.

And I don't look good in stripes.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Your glasses. Quick, Joe.

TOMMY: Hello, Mr. Farnsworth.
- Hello.

Something strange has happened.

Do any of you know a person
by the name of Joe Simpson?

- Simpson?
- Joe Simp-- Joe Simpson?

- What an odd name.
- Yeah.

Boy, come in here.

This suit was delivered here
to a Joe Simpson.

Nobody else seems to know him either.

Lock it up
in the basement dressing room.

Joe Simpson. Of course.
That's Mr. Randolph's tailor.

Sure. This is from Joe Simpson, is it?

We thought you said Joe Simpson.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Farnsworth.
- What's the matter?

It's half past minutes after 8.
The audience is packed with people.

I know. It's a complete sellout.
A complete sellout.

The standing room is so crowded.
No place to sit down.

Marvelous. Start the overture.
See you later, Eddie.

- Good luck, Randolph.
- Thank you, Mr. Farnsworth.

- Great reception, Dr, Schlenna.
- Naturally.

Intelligent people.

Boys. Boys.

[DOGS BARKING]

Indians.

Indians.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[HORNS HONKING]

- Hey, have you got a union card?
- Yeah. Huh?

There he is.

Hello, Hamilton. What's up?

Told the head nurse I might need
a few guards.

Violent case, eh?

Paroccipital pressure on the lower brain.

- You know how they get.
- Who's the patient?

A secret. His family wants it kept quiet.

He's a big Hollywood star or something.

Dr. Kirby wants him calm
before the operation.

Oh, guy's gone haywire, huh?

I know these schizophrenics.
Hallucinations.

- Keep imagining they're wild people.
- Right, Freddie.

He thought he was a headhunter.
Then he was an Australian bushman...

...and just yesterday, he was
a Wild West cowboy. Yippee.

Get the police, quick. Don't let them
catch me. They're after me.

What I've been through.

Well, look who's here.

You're safe now.

We'll help you. Won't we, boys?

Sure, positively, Eddie.

Well, what do you know?
Our patient is Eddie Cantor.

I always thought he was a little wacky.

There, my poor man.
Have you been running?

Yes, they've been chasing me
and chasing me and chasing me.

Well, sit down.

- Who's been chasing you, Mr. Cantor?
- The Indians.

- Three of them. They're outside.
- See? The Indians are chasing him.

Not only the Indians, but dogs.
Fifty of them. Licking my feet.

Fifty dogs, all licking your feet?

- Yeah, but I fooled them. You know how?
- No, how?

I got off the seesaw and I left them there
with the maple syrup.

- He left the dogs with the maple syrup.
- Clever, wasn't he?

- Don't you think so?
- Yes. Yes. Very Clever.

Now, let's take off
all our clothes and relax.

No, what are you doing to me?
I didn't come here for this purpose.

I'll see my lawyer about this.
You can't get away with it.

You can't get--

Now, there we are.
Now, don't we feel better?

Well, big chief, let's all go into the teepee
and have a nice, quiet powwow.

Now, wait a minute. Teepee? Powwow?
Are you guys crazy?

- Now, be a good little Indian.
- Indian? I'm no Indian. I'm Eddie Cantor.

You know Cantor
with the five daughters?

Sure, we know you. Great White Father.

No, wait. Where are you taking me?

You can't do that to me. Where are you
going? What are you doing to me?

- Hey, just for--
MAN: Get back there.

CANTOR:
I don't wanna get back.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, Dinah Shore.

I wish you were coming home now
instead of just going away.

I'll miss you so much.

But until we win the war, I guess
it's the uniform first and love second.

Yes, darling.

All I can say is what so many
other girls are saying today.

I'll be waiting.

And I'll be dreaming
of the light in your eyes.

And happy in the thought
that when you do come back...

...we'll all be living in a better world.

Not this mixed-up world of 1861.

[SINGING]
How sweet you are

How sweet you are

How dear your tenderly smiling face

Through days all bitter and gray and grim

Through nights
When even the stars are dim

How sweet to know

My heart can glow

From just the warmth
Of our first embrace

The world's a lovelier world by far

When I remember

How sweet you are

How sweet you are

How sweet you are

How dear your tenderly smiling face

The world's a lovelier world

By far

When I remember how sweet

You are

That's enough, boys.

All right, Freddie. Here you are, Marty.

Bring him out and hang him up to dry.

CANTOR: All right, guys.
FREDDIE: All right, isn't that refreshing?

Come on, upsy-daisy.

Put him down here, boys.

Doesn't that cold water turn him
the prettiest shade of blue?

How's he ticking?

According to his pulse,
he's been dead for three weeks.

What's my name?

Who launched me?

Be a good man. We're quieting your
nerves so Dr. Kirby can operate on you.

Oh, that's only natural.

No surgeon wants to operate on a--

- Operate? Operate on what?
- On your brain, Eddie.

Impossible. If I had brains,
what would I be doing here?

Let me out of here. Let me get out.

Take-- Take it easy. Take it easy.

Okay, we gotta calm him down.
Give him the vacuum massage.

That'll fix him. That does it every time.

- How much is he getting?
- What's your dial say?

- Fifty.
- Better make it 75.

- Seventy-five.
- Okay.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

Good evening, mates. Good evening, good
evening and good night to all and sundry.

One over there, my man.

I would like to buy a drink for all
the gentlemen in the house.

Hear, hear.

Oh.

[MEN LAUGHING]

[SINGING]
I can see the question in your eyes

I can see the twitching of your ears

Now, it's not to be repeated

But, gentlemen, be seated

And I'll tell you where
I've been for all these years

If he's very nicely treated
And we have his toddy heated

He'll tell us where he's been
For all these years

I was out on the blue Pacific
With a cruiser of the fleet

Hopping over the side
For me Saturday dip

Go on, go on

When I noticed a Jap torpedo
Whizzin' by beneath my feet

Comin' lickety-split
And headed for our ship

- Fancy that
- So I stopped her with me left

And I turned her with me right

And I aimed her very careful
And I shoved with all me might

And I sank the sub what sent her
And I roared with righteous wrath

That's what you jolly well get
That's what you jolly well get

Disturbin' me Saturday evenin' bath

Hooray, he's won the war

- He's won the war
- He's won the war

But I'm modest to the core

Hooray, he's won the war

And though he's rather shy

I'm terribly, terribly shy

He will admit he's won the war

Cheerio.

I was captured around Benghazi
By a Nazi regiment

After polishing off
Half a thousand or more

- He's balmy
- And it took them two pairs of tanks

To drag me into the general's tent

Where they started to search
The uniform I wore

- My word
- When they took away my gun

I was pleasant as could be

But then they took a letter
What my sweetheart wrote to me

So I bashed their blooming brains in

And I lived to tell the tale

Well, that's what they jolly well get

That's what they jolly well get

For readin' a gentleman's private mail

Hooray, he's won the war

He's won the war

And I won the one before

Hooray, he's won the war

I hate to tell the tale

But give him a barrel of ale

And he'll admit he's won the war

I was havin' me leave in London
Back in 1941

Havin' breakfast in bed

- At a fancy address
- Oh, yes?

When a Jerry come by
And dropped a bomb

What must've weighed a ton

It was difficult to collect myself, I guess

- I should think
- So to Croydon Field I ran

And I hopped a plane from there

Now, I couldn't tell who'd done it
There were thousands in the air

So I shot down all the blighters

And I told them all, you see

That's what you jolly well get

That's what you jolly well get

For splashin' a gentleman's cup of tea

Hooray, he's saved the day

He's saved the day

In my own quiet way

Hooray, he's saved the day

I always zips me lips

But treat him with fish and chips

And he'll confess he's saved the day

- Hooray
- Hooray

- He's won the war
- He's won the war

- He's won the war
- He's won the war

This mighty conqueror

- Hooray
- Hooray

He's won the war

So to this most heroic gent
We ought to erect a monument

And put it in Trafalgar Square

Where he can enjoy the open air

Hooray

What kind of a place is this?

A place where people come
for nervous ailments.

- Don't know of a better place to get one.
- How do you feel now, Mr. Cantor?

Oh, fine. We're having a million laughs.

- Laughs. Gotta get to the theater.
- Wait.

MARTY: Come back here.
FREDDIE: Come back here.

- Go on back there.
- But, fellows, you don't understand.

I've got an opening tonight.

You'll have an opening,
as soon as Dr. Kirby gets here.

Dr. Kirby, no.

- Put him on the table.
- No.

You have a kind face, help.

- Will you please help me?
FREDDIE: Everything's gonna be lovely.

Now, listen. I'm gonna count up to 10
and if you don't let me go--

- You'll what?
CANTOR: I'll count up to 20.

Get the other room ready.

Oh, nurse, don't you think
this is a little bit one-sided?

Now, you just rest easy.

This machine will have you calm
in no time.

Calm. Calm.

Say, this isn't bad.

It's just like waltzing with an octopus.

I'll tell Dr. Kirby we're ready
for the operation.

Ready? Who's ready? I'm not ready.

No, nurse.
Nurse, you can't do this to me.

Where is that nur--? What is she doing?

No.

Nurse. Doctor. Help. Police.

Oh, you can't-- No.

No, wait.
Oh, I wish I was back with the dogs.

- Come back.
- Marty. Fred. Hurry up.

FREDDIE:
Don't worry, we'll take care of this.

Get up, Eddie.

- What's the matter with you?
- You're the nurse. You tell me.

I know, he's got spontaneous reaction
of the sacroiliac.

Too much vibration.
See what happens when you get greedy?

- Of course.
- Don't worry about me, fellas.

I'll be all right. I'll be all right.

All I'll have to do is to go out
and get a drop of fresh air.

- I'll be right back.
- Get him, boys.

MARTY: Come here.
- You see?

- Come back.
- I'm back already.

- We'll give him the pacifier.
- Yeah, give him the chair.

What? No trial? Oh, no.
No, let's-- Put me back on the table.

Wasn't that a marvelous number, Harry?
What comes next?

Why, I think it's--

- No, it's Bette Davis.
- Bette Davis? My favorite star.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

[SINGING]
You marched away and left this town

As empty as can be

And I am like the driftwood

In a deadly calm at sea

I can't sit under the apple tree
With anyone else but me

For there is no secret lover

That the draft board didn't discover

They're either too young or too old

They're either too gray
Or too grassy green

The pickings are poor
And the crop is lean

What's good is in the Army

What's left will never harm me

They're either too old or too young

So, darling, you'll never get stung

Tomorrow I'll go hiking
With that Eagle Scout unless

I get a call from Grandpa

For a snappy game of chess

They're either too warm or too cold

They're either too fast or too fast asleep

So, darling, believe me I'm yours to keep

There isn't any gravy

The gravy's in the Navy

They're either too fresh or too stale

There is no available male

I will confess to one romance

I'm sure you will allow

He tries to serenade me

But his voice is changing now

They're either too bald or too bold

I'm down to the wheelchair and bassinet

My heart just refuses to get upset

I simply can't compel it to

With no Marines to tell it to

I'm either their first breath of spring

Or else I'm their last little fling

I either get a fossil

Or an adolescent pup

I either have to hold him off

Or have to hold him up

The battle is on but the fortress will hold

They're either too young or too old

I'll never, never fail you

When you are in Australia

Or out in the Aleutians

Or off among the Russians

And flying over Egypt
Your heart will never be gypped

And when you get to India

I'll still be what I've been to you

I've looked the field over
And lo and behold

[MOUTHS]
Thanks.

Oh, that looks fine.
Now, turn around a little.

You know, Pat, I'm glad
I gave up my radio career for the theater.

Sure. Your public has a right
to see you too.

Yeah, in 20 minutes,
I'll be out on that stage.

I'll knock them dead with my song,
then Alexis Smith goes into her dance--

Alexis Smith.
Wasn't she swell in Gentleman Jim?

There she sat at the ringside
watching Corbett fight.

He throws a left jab,
then follows with a sharp right cross.

Dollies away. And then comes in
for another looping left.

- Oh, Joe.
- Oh, Joe.

- I'm all right.
- Sorry, Joe.

Fine. I come here for encouragement.
What do I get?

A sock in the jaw.

[PHONE RINGS]

My ears are ringing.

- It's the telephone.
- Telephone.

Hello?

Yeah, he's here.

Joe, it's for you.

They said Joe?

I better put on my glasses.

Hello? Yes, Charlie.

- The Indian, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Yes, Charlie, I see. Okay.

- Thanks for calling.
- What'd he say?

Nothing. Cantor escaped.
And they just lost him.

- Cantor escaped?
- Cantor escaped?

Cantor escaped? How? When? You see?
I told you what would happen.

- Let's get out.
- Wait a minute.

If you go, you go alone.
We're staying, aren't we?

What's the sense of getting panicky?

Yeah, to get panicky,
you have to have sense.

- Joe.
- Joe.

Ladies and gentlemen,
leaving the field of lighter entertainment...

...for just a few moments,
we now present a more serious interlude.

It is with genuine pride...

...we bring you three of the screen's
foremost dramatic stars.

Miss Olivia de Havilland, Miss Ida Lupino
and Mr. George Tobias.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

-[SINGING] Tye ah ree tau
-[SINGING] Tye ah ree tau

- Tye ah ree tau
- Tye ah ree tau

- Tye ah ree tau
- Tye ah ree tau

- Tye frulli eye tye tye
- Tye frulli eye tye tye

[SINGING]
Ree tau

- Tye frulli eye tye tye
- Tye frulli eye tye tye

Ree tau

- Tye frulli eye tye tye
- Tye frulli eye tye tye

- The dreamer
- Pow

- The dreamer
- Pow

I reckon that's my name

Tha-tha-tha, oh, tha-tha
That's my name

Since you've gone away, away

Guess I'm just a lazy

Too-loo-de riffy

Too-loo-de rizza

- Too-loo-de rizzy, free-don-do
- Free-don-do

- When my dreamboat comes home
- He dreams of Jeannie

With the light-brown hair

Ain't it a shame? Oh, ain't it a shame?

Oh, ain't it a shame?
Oh, ain't it a shame?

Dreamin' all day, dreamin' all night

- Tye ah-da ree take
- Tye ah-da ree take

See-lee ow-tow-tow

How am I gonna hold you

Unless I'm dreamin' those dreams?

So I strolled among the

- Tree-tree, treedily-eye-tree-too-di
- Tree-tree, treedily-eye-tree-too-di

- I
- Didn't have

Didn't have
Didn't have a chore to do

So I let the summer breeze a-kiss me

Like a real and true kiss from you

The dreamer, the dreamer

Ree-tye-oh
So-aw-de-free-dit

Why change it?

That's my name

Baby

Wanna stay a dreamer till you're home

And wakin' me up, up, up, a once more

- I'm a dreamer
- Wake up

- I'm a dreamer
- Wake up

I'm a dreamer

- De freedly-oh-so-so, de freedly-oh-so-so
- De freedly-oh-so-so, de freedly-oh-so-so

I'm a dreamer, aren't we all?

- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo
- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo

Wah-wah

- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo
- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo

Wah-wah

- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo
- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo

Wah-wah

- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo
- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo

Wah-wah-wah-wah-waddy-wah

All right, boys.
Lift him over and flatten him out.

Don't worry. We're gonna give you gas.

Give me four gallons and check my oil.

MARTY: Don't be impatient.
Dr. Kirby'll be here in a few minutes.

- Dr. Kirby. Listen.
- Down.

- You don't understand.
- Down.

- This is all a mistake.
- Down.

And don't kick.

I always kick
on the fourth down. No!

Well, good evening, everybody.

- Here we go again.
- Good evening, Dr. Kirby.

Good evening.
Well, I've seen all the x-rays.

- Everything ready?
- I wish I was back with Junior...

...maple syrup and all.

Delirious, I see? Ah, my favorite scalpel.

- Who's the patient?
- Eddie Cantor.

Eddie Cantor?

[LAUGHS]

Start the anesthetic.

Doctor, there's been a mistake.
You see, I was kidnapped.

I broke loose, climbed in here for safety.
I am not wacky.

Hold the anesthetic.
This sounds reasonable.

- How did you escape form the kidnappers?
- Easy. I became a wooden Indian.

- Start the anesthetic.
- If you have to operate, go ahead.

But there's one thing I'd like to say.

HAMILTON: What's that?
- Help!

Just a minute. What's--?

- What's the trouble?
- I have a bronchial irritation.

- It--
- Do you see spots before your eyes?

- Do you have trouble breathing?
- In, not out.

Just count up to 10, please.

- One, two, three, four--
- Enough. I tell you what you do.

Before you go to bed,
drop some butter in milk...

-...and you'll feel all right.
- Thanks. How much do I owe?

- That'll be $5.
- Five--? Wait, what is this?

Now, breathe deeply and count to 10.

CANTOR:
One...

...two. I wouldn't give you a cent more.

Dr. Kirby, what's going on here?

I'm doing a prefrontal section
on Eddie Cantor.

- But this is the patient, doctor.
KIRBY: Oh, we made a mistake.

HAMILTON:
Mr. Cantor. Oh, Mr. Cantor.

- Come to. Please.
- Have a cigar, fellas.

- My wife just had another boy.
- Oh, Mr. Cantor. Wake up. Wake up.

- We're not going to operate.
- Oh, go on, doc.

- Cut yourself a slice of ham.
- Wake up. Wake up.

He said something about the theater.

The theater? That's it. Get me the police.

- Where's the phone?
- In the hall.

I've gotta get to that theater.

Good luck, buddy.

How do you do?

Tommy, Pat.

- I shouldn't have stayed here.
- I'm on in a minute.

- Cantor isn't here, is he?
- No, but Farnsworth is my pal now.

He said, "Eddie,
Schlenna and I have misjudged you.

You've been very nice.
Sing the star's number."

- Look, what am I gonna do?
- Well, if he wants you to sing, sing.

"Sing it," she says. What happens if Cantor
comes in and finds me singing his song?

Thank you. Thank you.

And now, by way of a surprise,
we present Eddie Cantor's protégé...

...Tommy Randolph, who serenades
one of our lovely Latin neighbors.

And then as a thrilling climax...

...a dance by that brilliant
and exciting star, Alexis Smith.

[SINGING] The lady came from South America
And she was lovely to see

When she arrived in North America
They introduced her to me

And so I showed her the town

And I was such a gallant guide

And when the moon had gone down

I sighed

Good night, good neighbor

This evening with you
Has charmed me so

Tomorrow those Latin eyes aglow

Will haunt me all day

Good night, good neighbor

We're back at your door
And now we kiss

Though down in Brazil
You'd frown at this

You'll soon learn our way

I know you're dreaming of a homeland

So very dear

Land of many charms

But, oh, you'll find another homeland

Right over here

Right over here in my arms

Good night, good neighbor

Though I have no soft guitar to play

Come close to my heart and hear it say

Good neighbor, good night

[DRUMS POUNDING]

TOMMY:
Good night, good neighbor

Though I have no soft guitar to play

Come close to my heart and hear it say

Good neighbor, good night

Good night, good neighbor

Good neighbor, good night

Good night

- Listen to that applause.
- Terrific. He's the hit of the show.

- It's for you from out front.
- For me?

TOMMY: They liked it.
- You were swell.

I knew you'd make good.
They're still applauding.

- Listen to this.
- Yeah.

"If you will bring young Randolph
to the studio Monday morning...

...I'll have a contract waiting for him.
J.L. Warner."

- You're gonna be a movie star.
- You did it, Tommy. You did it.

You mean we did it.
Our troubles are over.

Now I can sell the bus.

Know what I'm gonna sing
in my first picture? "Moondust."

- Oh, Tommy.
- I think I better keep the bus.

CANTOR: Out of my way.
- What's the matter?

CANTOR: I'm Eddie Cantor,
producing the show. The chairman.

- Get out of my way.
MAN: Hey, wait a minute.

Let me alone.

He's in here and we're gonna find him.
Come along with me, officer.

Aha. There he is. Officer, arrest that man.

The Indians told me
all about you, Randolph.

Quiet. What's the meaning of this?

- This guy claims he's Eddie Cantor.
- I am.

Eddie Cantor has been with me all day.
He's standing in the wings ready to go on.

- Let's get this straight. Who's who?
- I'm who. That's who.

- Somebody better do something.
- What are we gonna do?

Pat, think of something.

If you ever got an idea, get one now.

I've got it. Joe, you're Eddie Cantor. No
matter what happens, bluff your way out.

- Right.
- Go on, get out there.

- This is your big scene.
JOE: Yeah, but--

Impostor? But I'm Eddie Cantor. That man
is a phony. He doesn't even look like me.

Look at that face. Repulsive.

- What do you got to say?
- Me, well...

-...to tell you the truth, officer--
- We've never seen this man before.

Positively not.

- Have we, Mr. Cantor?
- Why, you big--

- Hey.
- Say, wait a minute, officer.

Say, there's a girl who can te--

- Dinah? Dinah?
- Eddie, do you realize a show is going on?

That's why I'm here.

- I'm not talking to you.
- You call me?

Dinah, don't you know who I am?
I'm Cantor.

What's the matter?

Who'd ever believe two people
could look like that.

FARNSWORTH: You see, officer.
- Shut up.

Dinah, tell them I'm Cantor.
I'll double your salary.

I don't know who you are but if you're
doubling my salary, you're not Cantor.

FARNSWORTH: That settles it.
- Is everybody screwy around here?

I don't know. But you called
the police station from a sanitarium.

Yeah, I know, officer, but--
Hold it. Olaf. Olaf.

I'll show you
who's crazy around here. Olaf.

- You're in on this. I know that.
OFFICER: Please. Please.

- What can I do for you?
- Olaf, he's not your boss. I am.

- Officer, let me tell you. I know--
FARNSWORTH: Take him out.

Just a second. How can you be sure
which one of these is Cantor?

That's easy. Just tell a joke.

Joke? You want me to joke
at a time like this?

- Then you tell a joke.
- Me?

Go on, Mr. Cantor.
Tell one of your real funny ones.

- Yeah.
- Oh, here's one.

You know why the bartender
couldn't serve me a cocktail?

- No, why?
- Because the Manhattan any more.

That's a riot, boss. Great. Great.

That's Mr. Cantor, officer.

Nobody else in the world
could tell a stinker like that.

[LAUGHS]

- Olaf, you're through.
- So are you. Come on, Napoleon.

- You, I can kill.
OFFICER: Hey, come here.

CANTOR:
That man has no right to do that.

You would hit a man with glasses,
wouldn't you?

PAT: You hurt?
CANTOR: I'll be in the show...

...if it's the last thing I do. You watch.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

Eddie, I can't tell you
how sorry I am that--

That music. That's you.
Go on, you're on.

Yeah, wait a minute. What'll I do?

- What'll you do? Go on out there.
- Give them the best imitation of Cantor.

- That's right.
- Okay, here goes.

[SINGING] We're staying home tonight
My baby and me

Having a patriotic time

No ballroom floor the jitterbugs
All pile on

Those jitterbugs are murder
On your nylon

No brush and comb tonight
No people to see

Being alone is so sublime

We bought a big bologna
And though it's hard to take

We'll turn out all the lights
And make-believe it's a steak

We're staying home tonight
Baby and me

Having a patriotic time

How sweet you are

How sweet you are

How dear your tenderly smiling face

- We're way up North
- And still together

- No trips back and forth
- We like the weather

And if you happen to be wondering still

Whatever became of vaudeville
It's way up North

The dreamer, the dreamer

I reckon that's my name
Why change it?

What for?

I wanna stay a dreamer

Till you're home once more

Till you're home

And wakin' me up once more

The dreamer, the dreamer

Ree-tye-oh
So-aw-de-free-dit

I'm a dreamer, aren't we all?

- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo
- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo

Wah-wah

- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo
- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo

Wah-wah
Wah-wah

- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo
- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo

- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-ugh!
- A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-ugh!

Oh, yes, I know
Every gal in the city, I know

Every gal in the city?

I know every gal in the city
But, oh, they ain't this pretty

I'm riding for a fall

Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise

To the gal with the big blue eyes

Love isn't born

That's a bit of old-fashioned corn

Let's call a spade a spade

When you find more than lemon
In your lemonade

You'll know that
Love isn't born, it's made

[MAN SINGING]

Oh, that voice is so divine
I'm sorry it isn't mine

Good night, good neighbor

Though I have no soft guitar to play

Come close to my heart and hear it say

Good neighbor, good night

Good night, good neighbor

Good neighbor, good night

You marched away and knew so well

Our love would stay alive

I'm stuck with either sweet 16
Or kids of 65

You must have known it
The day you enrolled

They're either too young or too old

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you marry the soldier?

Ice-cold Katie
You're the talk of the town

Ice-cold Katie
Won't you marry the soldier?

Melt, melt, melt on down

- Ice-cold Katie Brown
- Ice-cold Katie Brown

CHORUS: How's your love life?
Well, thank your lucky stars

Yes, thank your lucky stars
It's doin' fine

Keep your love life
As sweet as candy bars

And thank your lucky stars
Like I thank mine

So thank your lucky stars right now

Thank your lucky stars

Right now