Original subtitles

And we're live in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Welcome to the naughtiest show on television. Coming to you live from

Corinium Studios.

Uncensored. Tonight we'll be bringing you the stories they don't want you to

hear. We name the breakfast television presenter who's been staying up late

Ladies of the Night.

And as rumours circulate about a famous pop star's homosexuality, our celebrity

panel wonders.

You are the poofs of pop.

But first, love and prayers from everyone at Carinium for our beloved

Lord Battingham. Fuck you!

Everyone at Carinium has been shocked and saddened by his tragic accident.

Lord Battingham, Tony, wasn't just our boss. He was our family.

But it takes more than a little bump to the head to keep Tony batting him down.

Help me.

All I needed was the love you gave.

All I needed for another day.

And all I ever...

How long does this drive?

Oh, my God.

Look at the size of this place.

Welcome to Bella Vista.

Val's had a ride. on this since we moved to Green Lawns. It's nice though, being

right here in Penscom, near Rupert and you lot. We've brought us some new

costumes. Ah, well Val's got some rules.

No running, pushing, ducking, bombing, or skinny dipping.

What about heavy petting?

Go for your life. I'll just keep the cosies on.

Here they are.

I invited the polo team there for some swimming.

Well, it's a bloody circus.

You all right, lads?

Ready?

Sebi and Dom Carlisle. People call them the Heavenly Twins, although they're not

identical. Sebi is Tora, and apparently Dom is... Oh.

Where's the pool, Mr Jones?

Follow me.

Welcome to Bella Vista.

We called it Bella Vista because it means nice view.

It's so wonderful to be able to stand at the bottom of one's drive and not be

able to see one's house.

Right, if you'd like to go through.

Shoes off, everyone, please.

Who's that having a go?

One of Baz's stick chicks. I tell you what, Patrick, only let beautiful people

play polo.

Where'd they let you play then? I'm the patron of the Joneses Jets.

Patron? Is that how polo people say it? Yeah, I just give them a load of money

to sponsor the team and then they stick me on a pony and they set me up to score

goals and look good.

We're finally where we belong, aren't we, Fred Freds?

Hello.

It's so nice to have a man around the house.

Oh, so nice to have a man around the house.

Someone sweet who's glad he found you, who will put his arms around you, and

kisses just astound you. It's so nice.

Oh, a house is just a house without a man.

He's a necessary evil in your plan.

There are many things about him you just cannot do without him. Though it's just

a constant game of cat and mouse.

It's so nice to have a man around the house.

Tacky? Hey, McAwee.

Uh, yes.

Prick me with a fork?

I'm done.

Brian. Ed.

Venture meeting.

Jacuzzi. Let's talk polo.

It's our first chance of making TV.

We're going to film the match, vlog the footage to the BBC, and show everyone

that Venture can cover sport.

Do people really want to watch polo? I love watching polo. It's the Russia Cup.

This has been held on the estates since 1874.

You sure you want me on telly on a horse?

Pony. What?

Anyway, with no bloody Rupert, our team's a man down.

Still no word from him. Or Cameron.

Not even a bloody phone call. It's pandemonium at Carinium. No, Cameron.

Tony's still off work after his accident. I'm in charge of everything.

But you're very strong.

I'm double -agenting Henry, remember.

Oh, yes.

Sorry, Charles, I hate to admit it, but I was under the impression we had

already won the franchise, huh? We won the right to compete against Perineum.

Jesus, Henry, it's a good thing I'm hiring proper staff. The Prime

really quite ticked off. The general election's days away and nobody's heard

from him. But last time he got himself lost in a sex marathon, he didn't come

for air for a month.

Devil take your holiness.

Thank you.

Lady Hampstire? Why not, Mrs Jones? Oh, no, please.

Call me Marcy.

Oh, have we told you that Wayne is starting Eton in September?

We're very proud of him.

How did he get in? Did Freddie donate a computer there?

Well, now he passed exam.

No!

war polo

I really didn't want to see my brother completely naked, but I saw the Carlisle

twins fit, so I'm taking that as a win.

I thought Sebby's really was nicer.

Have you thought I heard anything more from your Seb, Tag? Oh, he was never my

Seb. His letter was lovely and his new job sounds amazing. Dumped you in a

letter? What a shame.

Have you heard from Cameron since she's been off shagging Rupert? Dick, dick.

Tag? What's the matter?

Um...

Rupert kissed me.

Fucking fuck! What?

Where? In the kitchen.

No, I meant where did he kiss you?

Oh, on the mouth.

He said such lovely things and then the next day he just disappeared.

Oh, Doug.

He couldn't breathe without me.

I just don't believe he would say that and then just disappear.

It doesn't make sense.

Something awful must have happened.

I mean, bringing me here, keeping me safe.

That's just good manners.

Rupert, be serious for a moment.

I promise I'll protect you.

And I will.

Will you hide me here forever?

Well, we don't have to stay in Devon.

We're friends all over the world.

We keep moving.

Stay ahead of the game. Stay ahead of the game.

Really well, Dad.

We thought you were dead.

It'd be dark, Miller. Very invincible.

Thank you, Beatrice.

If you patch your belongings for school, the car will be waiting to take you

back, girls.

Archie, you'll go by train.

Listen to your mother.

Why, she'd thank you, darling.

You really don't remember anything.

No, I got to the police. It was a complete blight.

And she'd school me, you know.

No, it's very kind of you. Thanks for your answer.

Yes,

it's certainly very nice to be home.

I know, I know, I know. Quite the end of a serious cliffhanger.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. It's splendid to be back home with the family.

You too, Lady Gorsley. Thank you. Good night.

You should be heading up the wooden hill to Pepperture, Tony.

I'll redress your wound for you.

Let me look up down there.

No cigars.

Come on, dog.

I didn't play that.

I think she's gone back to America.

She's gone to Rupert Campbell Black.

And let me tell you.

From the moment he met Maude, he was infatuated.

Words started pouring out of him. Everything he ever wrote was for her.

This hugely magnetic woman who constantly rejected him.

Anyone would think this was your biography, Declan. That's why it has to

who tells the Yates story.

Documentaries are normally so dry.

No offence, Mike.

Maude Gaughan married someone else just to get a rise out of Yates. What does

Yates do?

Tries to seduce her daughter.

Sounds like EastEnders.

EastEnders did get 28 million viewers last month.

Documentaries aren't presented by celebrities.

Whatever next? Joanna Lovely on plumbing.

Listen, we really do want your face back on the b -ball, boy.

Would you consider hosting Breakfast Time?

Frank Ball's on his way out. Right on to the mornings.

Can I say, Jeremy, this is exactly what the BBC Documentary Department are

looking for.

New formats bringing the wonders of the world to a wider audience.

Declan O 'Hara, Irish God, and British National Treasure. And who got his big

break at the BBC?

Look. It's relevant.

It's noisy. It's informative.

But gripping. Homework becomes entertainment.

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down in a most delightful way.

Your love is king Crown you in my heart Your love is king Your love is

king Your love is

king I blink and you miss me,

right?

I mean... You don't have to be kind, Declan.

I really appreciate you coming.

House falling apart without me, is it? It's quite, sir.

Hey!

I mean, the kids seem okay.

Sure, why wouldn't they be?

You're doing a play. We're all very happy for you.

They've offered me the tour.

Right.

But, couldn't you?

But I really want to come home once we've finished in London. Oh, thank God.

But I meant what I said, Dylan.

I need to keep working.

Understood.

Are you dancing?

You ask him.

Never stopped us before.

Making me dance Inside

Touching the very part of me

It's making my soul sing Tearing the very heart of me I'm crying out for

more

I had a meeting with Jeremy Bonnington earlier.

The BBC are interested in turning the Yates biography into a documentary.

What? I really want to film it in Sligo.

And I'm playing Walt Garn, right?

If you were a wet dance star now, I couldn't afford it. Stay, you have more

do than me.

Oh, my God, the Christmas tree.

I like the Christmas tree.

What do you think of the new ending?

Hmm.

Yeah. I mean, it was sacrilegious, but it gave a new meaning, I suppose. You

fucking bullshitter!

The only thing that producers haven't changed is the ending. She still leaves

her husband and children for a better life, but you wouldn't know that. Just

you didn't know, the Christmas tree fell over tonight because you didn't watch

the play.

Maud. Get out.

Listen, the meeting has ran over. I had every intention of going to... Don't

fucking get out! Maud. Get out! Come on! Please, don't.

Just get out! Just fucking get out!

Maud.

Maud.

Ladies.

Is that Terry Wogan?

Sorry I'm late, darling.

I've had a terrible headache.

the fuck is this?

I'm giving you a choice.

A choice?

I tried to kill you, Tony.

Well, because I hurt you and you were defending yourself, we both got a little

carried away.

I lay in that hospital bed and wondered what this meant for our relationship.

I could have you punished.

Sent you to prison.

Can't imagine America walking back after that.

But then I thought of the alternative.

And that is?

Forgiveness.

I've already told the police. I don't remember anything. If you stay with

Corinne, stay with me, I'll remember it was a simple accident.

I love you, Cameron.

No, you don't love me.

You just want to be Rupert.

Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

Which one of you greased the front steps?

Seriously, do be careful entering and exiting the building. My little slip

have been far, far worse.

Thank goodness for Miss Madden.

Joyce, I can almost trust you to catch me when I fall.

I would like to welcome back Cameron Cook, who's been taking time away to

the opposition.

Her first -class espionage means we are now fully abreast.

of Ventura's plans and are ready to knock them out of the competition.

Thank you, Miss Cook. There are no lengths you won't go in order to keep

Carinium, this franchise bid, and all our livelihoods safe.

Let us make no mistake.

We are under attack.

Ventura, led by Rupert Campbell Black.

And Declan O 'Hara will continue to solicit employees from our ranks to

confidential information.

Those Venturer gangsters have no scruples.

So be on your guard.

Trust no one.

Charles, where's Charles Fairbairn?

Here, Tony.

Charles has done a fantastic job covering Cameron's role whilst he's been

so thank you, Charles.

Now! Beatty and Sarah's Uncensored is demolishing the competition.

The teams are gearing up to shoot Series 3 of Four Men Went to Moe in September.

Master Dog will be back, bigger and parkier than ever, with James Verica

presenting duties.

1987 is a franchise year, ladies and gentlemen, and we are at war.

An eye for an eye.

We'll take their fucking heads off!

Rupert. Sorry, Tag, not now.

Battingham found out about Cameron and me.

She thought he was going to kill her, so she walloped him. Shame she didn't

succeed. That's why we had to get away.

She was in danger. I had to protect her, but he found us.

So why has she gone back to him? I don't know. She just got into the helicopter.

Doesn't seem like Cameron.

She's such a tough cookie.

She was scared of him.

We've... We've got to get her out of there.

Well, she's a big girl.

She's gone back to him. Then we've got to accept her.

No, it's not like that. There's got to be something else going on. You're

Rupert. She's definitely Team Carinium.

She's back at Tony's side as if nothing ever happened.

And there's something else.

Tony says that we're now filming the polo match on Sunday.

No, we're filming the polo match on Sunday. Sorry, Declan, it's all set.

Carinium are filming the polo too.

Well, let's get ready for a fight.

Morning. Hello.

Hmm.

We've become a blog. Welcome to Venture. Mike Maples. Oh.

Excited to be here.

You ready? Well, I left behind regular hours and a BBC pension to work for my

Broadcasting Heroes renegade production company.

I've never been so poor or so happy.

Okay? Make the work done right away.

Cameron.

Beautiful day for it.

Let's have a fair fight.

Let the best team win.

You can make television without being a cunt, Tony.

It's not really so much fun, though, is it?

Go on, Cameron.

What are you doing? I'm staying ahead of the game.

Come on, lads.

It's time for David to pick a lie at that.

Put on your red shoes and dance the blues.

To the song they're playing on the radio.

If you say run, I'll run with you.

If you say hide, we'll hide.

Because my love for you would break my heart in two.

We'll be right back.

What?

This is my new favourite sport.

There's no one actually here to watch polo, they're here to watch each other.

Has Rupert said anything?

I don't say he wants to get Cameron back.

Well, there's complicated men to fall in love with.

Polo Polo, the sport of kings.

Four players per team, four chukkas per game, seven minutes per chukka. Look at

all the pretty horses.

Let's horse around. Horse play.

Par for the horse.

Ponies. Can I get some water, please?

What? They're called ponies, Jim.

I thought ponies were baby horses.

Apparently not.

Stupid game.

Stand by to record.

Floor standing by.

Waiting for shot to clear. We ready?

Chukka, chukka, chukka. Chukka car, chukka car. Okay, on camera one and

Did you know, James, that polo is the oldest ball sport in the world, dating

back to 600 BC?

Yes, Sarah, I did.

Now, viewers at home will be wondering why you're wearing that rather fetching

jumpsuit. Are you auditioning for Treasure Hunt?

Yucky!

I'm so sorry, oh my God.

Polo Ralph Lauren! We have BC standing by to take over.

Did you strip James off?

Oh, she's already on it.

Not all my trousers.

Maybe in the van.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the final of the Russia Cup at the estate of

Lord and Lady Hampshire.

We have four -time winners and last year's champions, the Remington

playing against newcomers, the Jones Jets.

The match is about to start.

Stand by.

Let's rock and roll!

Go on, buddy!

Go on, buddy!

What on earth is that woman doing?

Her high heels are stuck in the mud, Gwendolyn.

She looks as though she needs to go to the moon.

I'll get you some champagne.

It's wonderful to see you out and about again, Monica.

Tony's accident must have been very hard on you.

We're all soldiering on now.

Do let Hermione and me know if we can help at all.

We'll come out, big girls. Look out for one another.

Well, I must say, Mrs. Stratton looks ready for action in her boiler seat.

Ah, Sarah has a surprise for us after the final chukka, Reverend Penny. Enjoy

that. Ooh, what's the surprise?

It wouldn't be a fucking surprise if I told you, would it?

Now let's enjoy these fools getting beat.

We're right back in it now, pushing hard.

We like to play from the trees, but Johnny has said it, half in between each

other.

That's one.

That's one.

That's it.

And that's a goal.

With the score now at one goal apiece, it makes it even Stevens at the end of

the second chucker.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, please take to the pitch for David Snappy.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Come here.

Sorry. He just loves telly.

Which play do you want?

Uh, Carinium.

Hello. I'm Carinium. Ah.

Is Master Dog coming back?

Of course.

Are you thinking of entering?

Oh, no.

David does not enjoy the spotlight.

I like having my belly rubbed in front of Knott's Landing.

Don't we all, David?

David Balwawi, if you please.

Would you like to watch the filming with me?

Could we?

That's awfully kind of you.

Charles, there they are.

Murphy, short for Caroline.

Sweaty work.

back to mine and have a long shower.

Who with?

Me or my brother?

We know you've been bonking both of us.

Don't play a player, mate.

It's like West Side Story.

The two different sides coming together.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Do you go both ways then?

Oh, I just...

Like that.

A lot. Oh.

I haven't done it yet.

I really want to, though.

All set for the big surprise, team?

Ready for the grand finale?

Mm -hmm.

I can't wait to come and see you tonight.

Tonight can't come soon enough.

Is Rupert the daddy or is it James?

We've been running to the ladies at work.

The men around you may not have realised, but that's men.

Right.

Ready for launch.

Sarah's so excited she could burst.

Smile. We're going to be in Tatler.

No, come on, crack it. Little distance.

That's enough, thank you.

Let's get you up then, Sarah.

We discussed it. It's really very simple.

You jump out of the plane, the parachute pops open. You just float like a little

butterfly. Thrilling. Down into the field, everyone on the floor is lovely

lonely.

No problem. No.

Come on.

We'll look after her. Good luck.

Tony, I'm pregnant.

Ah, speak up, woman.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, you are the face of two primetime television shows. This is huge.

Well,

we'll have to start auditioning for replacements on Monday, don't you agree?

Come along, then. Let's get you off on the plane.

No, I can't.

Tony, I can't.

I have four camera crews, 12 photographers, the whole of Russia

fucking surprise.

Who's going to jump out of the bloody plane, then?

They can't do it. They're struggling to get hold of him and he's still there.

Campbell back, going right back, he's going to have the ball, he's got to go,

he's got to do it.

And a lager for Mr Jones, please.

He looks thirsty.

Can you put it in there for me?

I can't stop thinking about you.

Me too.

It's like a beautiful dream.

Didn't he do well?

He was wonderful.

Well played, Freddie.

Oh, I worried he was too tubby for polo. Hey, that poor Oggs.

Could you take a picture of this? Give the camera to Mrs. Vericar.

OK. I'm not great with these.

Let's go.

Thank you.

Cheers. Cheers.

Love, love.

Come on. Sharon.

Lizzie. No, no, Freddie.

You've walked off without a camera.

Oh, God, sorry.

I think it's best we keep away from each other.

It's going to be quite hard.

Us being neighbours now and everything.

It's hurting my heart.

My lords and ladies and gentlemen, for some quiet, please.

We are delighted as ever to host you all here in the grounds of our humble home.

And this year with even more joy in our hearts than usual, because... The day

Hermione and I thought would never arrive is finally on the horizon. After

sterling work for the spastics and rebuilding that school in Ghana, our

Caroline is getting married.

We are delighted.

To announce the engagement of our daughter, Caroline Margaret.

Yes.

To Mr.

Gerald Middleton. Come up, Gerald.

To Gerald and Muffy, everyone.

Well, personally, may I say how fabulous it is to have you back at the helm,

Tony. Stronger than ever. And the worst for my little adventure.

Ah, yes. And before Carinium's big surprise today, just to confirm for some

concerned viewers at home, this was an accident. It wasn't due to any foul

I slipped on the steps outside Carinium entirely my own fault.

Perhaps I should wear trainers instead of brogues. Well, thank you for putting

all our minds at rest. And cut.

Terrific, Tony. Well done. Excellent. Thanks,

Tony.

Glad we got the truth on record.

No threat of police for me.

No public scandal for you.

Win -win, right?

You stayed ahead of the game.

I did.

There it is.

Mikey,

Mikey, shoot it. Right.

Roll on the parachute.

And the behind -the -scenes fiasco Tony Baddingham didn't want you to

see. As a Carinium employee humiliates himself.

after crash -landing his parachute into a tree.

Poor chap. I hope he's all right.

In the ITV franchise battle between television titan Carinium and the newly

formed Venturer television, it was Venturer who won the day.

What?

May I speak with you, Tony?

Oh, this is getting extremely dull, Sarah.

If you want to keep your job, your little inconvenience needs to be flushed

away. It's yours.

It's your baby, Tony.

Long day.

Long day, darling.

What's for dinner?

I have to admit, today was embarrassing.

Oh, darling, I'm sorry.

Not for me.

For you.

You let her humiliate you in front of our friends, in front of your children.

I defied my father and my whole family when I agreed to exchange this house for

your surname, Tony. There will be no more lies.

Or I will hurt you.

Far more than any mistress ever could.

You want to win so badly.

You make yourself very easy to beat.

Come on, dog.

Why didn't you

tell me you were Jerry's chum? I just can't believe it. There's going to be a

proper little gang, the three of us. Well, the four of us.

This must be what love does to you. I'd completely forgotten about David.

I'm just not mounting Gertrude in the garden.

You should have told me she was Henry's daughter. Sorry, Charles, I wanted to

speak to you first.

And tell me you're into Muffy.

I like her.

You think it'll work?

Our plan.

Worth a try, isn't it?

They're very exciting, the last two chuckers. I've played some chuckers in

life.

Thank you, Angel.

We did it.

You did it.

Where did you manage to hold your nerve?

I held on to Rupert and waited until Tony publicly absolved me.

If he goes to the police now, he'll just look foolish.

Tony would never let that happen. We better be careful. He'll be out for

Glad you got out alive, though.

Well, I got out alive, but without my car or my apartment.

Well, you're coming to live with me.

Penscom Court.

You mean that?

Cool. You know what, I'll just, um... Be back in a sec.

Need to explain.

Cameron came to me for protection.

I had to get her away quickly, keep her safe from Tony, do the right thing.

I'm trying to behave honourably.

Did you sleep with her immediately or did you honorably hold off for one

I was already sleeping with Cameron before I kissed you. Well, then you

shouldn't have kissed me. No, I shouldn't have kissed you.

Drew, what everyone says about you, you aren't capable of love.

Terry. Please, get out of my kitchen.

People say that life isn't a fairy tale, that happy ever after doesn't exist.

But what if you just haven't found the person who'll give you your happy

It's up to you to give yourself the love you deserve.

However, be prepared, with love may also come war, and every war has its

casualties.

What's peculiar?

Dogs?

Get the fuck out of my house.

You know it's only a matter of time before he did Shishi Cameron.

Six days, six weeks.

He might even keep you six months to venture off finally.

Don't get the franchise, then he'll kick you out like all the rest.

Why are you here, Tony?

I brought you a housewarming present.

I don't need evidence to punish you.

The retribution I had planned will be far more painful.