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1
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[ Light laughter ]
2
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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-Welcome back.
4
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,310
Welcome back, Mr. President.
5
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That was quite a journey
you took.
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-Yep. I did what every doctor
recommends for an 80-year-old --
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00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:18,719
a two-day whirlwind trip
to China.
8
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:22,289
I just flew home from China,
and, boy, are my legs swollen.
9
00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:24,925
-[ Chuckles ]
Very, very good, sir.
10
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:26,226
-That doesn't look good at all.
-No.
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-What are you talking about?
12
00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:28,495
-That's bad.
-Mm-hmm.
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-You know what?
14
00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:32,566
I'm sorry I didn't take you
with me to China, JD.
15
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:35,469
I would have,
but I didn't want to.
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00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:38,939
But I brought you a present that
President Xi Jinping gave me.
17
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,274
-Oh.
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00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:43,310
A finger trap.
Uh, it's very nice.
19
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:45,279
Did you --
What did you give him?
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-Taiwan.
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Now, JD,
I need some time to relax
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and to not be around you.
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-Okay. Do you --
Do you want me to leave?
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-Is the Pope Catholic?
-[ Chuckles ]
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Not enough for me!
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[ Laughter ]
27
00:00:57,858 --> 00:01:01,662
-Well, it's time for one
of my patented mid-work naps.
28
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:04,064
Just gonna rest my head
on this gold bar
29
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that Switzerland gave me
as a straight-up bribe
30
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and sleep the sweet sleep
of an addled, jet-lagged mind.
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♪♪
32
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-Donald. Doooonaaald.
[ Metallic clinking ]
33
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[ Cheers and applause ]
34
00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:23,150
-Who's that?
Who's in here?
35
00:01:23,150 --> 00:01:24,651
-Don't worry, Donald.
36
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It's me -- your best friend,
Jeffrey Epstein.
37
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[ Laughter and applause ]
38
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-Jeffrey?!
But I-I thought you were dead.
39
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-I am, remember?
40
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I killed myself -- wink!
41
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[ Laughter ]
42
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:41,735
So, how you doing, Donny Baby?
43
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:43,136
-Not so good, Jeffie.
44
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My approval rating's in the 30s.
45
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-Oh, the 30s? Gross.
46
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Call me when it hits 17.
47
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,144
[ Laughter ]
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00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:54,581
-Dark. Very dark.
It's a dark situation.
49
00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:56,483
So, what are you up
to these days, Jeff?
50
00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:57,651
How's Heaven?
51
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,953
-It's really, really hot.
52
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,088
[ Laughter ]
53
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:02,789
But you know me -- I keep busy.
54
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:06,960
Mahjong every Wednesday
with Stalin and John Wayne Gacy.
55
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,629
[ Laughter ]
56
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:11,198
That guy has stories.
What else?
57
00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:14,034
Oh, I just wrote
for the Kevin Hart roast.
58
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,370
Had some fun zingers in there.
59
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:19,439
What about you, Donny Baby?
Any fun summer plans?
60
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:21,542
-Well, you know,
we've got the World Cup,
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00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:26,113
a UFC fight on my lawn like
I'm white trash on WorldStar,
62
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:28,849
and we're also doing
the Patriot Games,
63
00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:32,019
where high-school athletes
come from all over the country.
64
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,921
-Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
65
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,589
[ Laughter ]
66
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,758
-Give me some.
-You know what?
67
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:40,694
This time,
I'm gonna leave you hanging.
68
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:41,762
[ Both laugh ]
69
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:42,963
[ Audience ohhs ]
70
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,164
-Wow.
-Wow.
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-Wonderful.
-Wow. Yeah.
72
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-Tremendous.
73
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-Man, we had some fun times
together, didn't we, Donny?
74
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:50,838
-Yeah.
75
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,472
-We should have taken
more pictures.
76
00:02:52,472 --> 00:02:56,310
-[ Laughs ] No, it's really bad
that we took any.
77
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-Damn it.
I miss you, homie.
78
00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:00,581
In case you're curious,
like all ghosts,
79
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:03,917
I have the power to show you
visions of the future.
80
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,220
-Wow!
I'm surprised there is one.
81
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:07,487
[ Laughter ]
82
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:09,423
-First, let me show you
83
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:12,960
to where Kristi Noem is at
in six months.
84
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,528
-My fellow Americans,
85
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:18,165
I know exactly what we need
to transform this country.
86
00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:19,933
-Oh, good.
She's back in politics.
87
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,301
-Not exactly.
88
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:24,338
-It's the Shark Wand
Vacuum Cleaner.
89
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:28,208
And for only $129.99,
it's the best way
90
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,744
to clean up that mess
your dog made...
91
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,579
besides a gun.
92
00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:35,449
And it can even handle
balloon scraps left over
93
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:39,553
from when your husband's
giant balloon breasts pop.
94
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,788
-Oh, wow,
I completely forgot
95
00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:43,891
about her husband's
"balloobies" thing.
96
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:46,693
-Yeah. Hey,
that's a credit to you, buddy.
97
00:03:46,693 --> 00:03:48,762
Your administration's so crazy,
98
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,865
secret balloon tatas
were only a one-day story.
99
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,934
-[ Chuckles ]
That's actually worrisome.
100
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:56,737
You know what else about --
What about Pete Hegseth?
101
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:59,573
-Oh, let me show you Pete
six months from now.
102
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,275
[ Liquid pouring ]
103
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:02,876
-Well...
104
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,778
I guess that's the last of it.
105
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,213
-Wow! He gave up drinking.
106
00:04:06,213 --> 00:04:08,649
-Oh, no, he's not pouring it
down the sink.
107
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,684
That's a giant beer bong.
108
00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:13,854
-[ Laughs ]
109
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,522
[ Cheers and applause ]
110
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:17,057
Yeah.
111
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:18,492
Whoo!
-[ Spitting ]
112
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,728
-Yeah, baby! Come on!
-Whoo!
113
00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:23,230
Welcome back
114
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:26,700
to "The KaaaaashCast
with Kash and Pete."
115
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:31,071
Shoutout to our sponsor, my own
personal line of cologne --
116
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:32,973
Incompetence for Men.
117
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,174
[ Laughter ]
118
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Every bottle
is full of my forehead sweat
119
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:38,946
from my many Senate grillings.
120
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:41,915
A smell so strong,
it'll cross your eyes.
121
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,050
[ Laughter ]
122
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:48,188
-And I've got an ad to read,
too, so listen up, buttwads!
123
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:50,424
You want people to think
you're drinking water,
124
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:52,426
but you're actually
getting wasted?
125
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:55,929
Then reach for Poland Sprung.
126
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:59,399
It's the first ever hard water.
127
00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:01,768
So when everyone around you
tells you to stop,
128
00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:04,571
that's when you know
you gots to get Sprung.
129
00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:06,139
[ Laughter ]
130
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,708
-Well, if Pete's podcasting,
131
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:10,010
I guess that means
that the war in Iran is over.
132
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,979
-Yep. We came in second.
133
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:14,214
[ Laughter ]
134
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:15,883
But, Donny, just remember --
135
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:18,919
no -- no matter
how many wars you start
136
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:22,656
or how -- how bad you tank
the economy as a distraction,
137
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:27,127
people will always associate you
with me.
138
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:30,464
And that, my dear close friend,
that is a beautiful thing.
139
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:31,632
-Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
140
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:32,966
♪♪
141
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:36,203
-♪ Cause, darlin',
when the morning comes ♪
142
00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:37,504
-Oh!
143
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:42,643
-♪ And I see the morning sun ♪
144
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:47,414
♪ I wanna be the one with you ♪
145
00:05:47,414 --> 00:05:50,551
-♪ Just the two of us ♪
146
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:53,787
♪ We can make it if we try ♪
147
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,956
♪ Just the two of us ♪
148
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,959
[ Falsetto ]
♪ Just the two of us ♪
149
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,828
[ Normal voices ]
♪ Just the two of us ♪
150
00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:04,965
♪ Building big castles
way up high ♪
151
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,835
♪ Just the two of us ♪
152
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,904
♪ You and I ♪
153
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:15,108
And live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!
10281
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