Original subtitles

Oh, shit, I can't get it in.

Oh, here, let me help you.

No, I want to do it myself.

Are you using both hands?

Of course.

You ever hear of anybody trying to put it in with only one?

I'm only trying to be helpful.

I'm turning it on.

It might help if we set a little white on this.

What the hell's going on in there, Charlie?

If you can't run that damn machine right, I'll get someone who can.

Don't stop now.

Sorry, PG.

Listen, Frank, I'll have it straightened out in a second.

Damn it, Junior, straighten up.

Denton, what the hell are you doing in there? Where's Charlie?

You let Charlie go last week.

It's part of your personnel cutback.

Dan, lawyers always know everything.

That's what you're paying for, Percival. Now calm down.

Someone's got to know how to run a projector around this studio.

Denton's got the thing upside down and ass backwards.

Now, now, Percival, just relax.

You know what Dr.

Stanton said. You can't get excited.

Here, take one of these pills and calm yourself.

I'm ready in a second, P .G.

Ready.

For Christ's sakes, will you turn on the light?

You must be crazy.

Let Percy catch us with the lights on and our pants down.

If P .G. gets pissed off and comes storming in here, it won't matter much

the pants. Now, turn on the damn light.

Well, P .G., the future of Uranus rests solely on the success of this film.

Now, if the public doesn't buy the night Mount Rushmore broke wind, Uranus is

wiped out. It can't be that bad, Steve.

Everyone knows that for years Uranus has had a reputation in Hollywood for

making only the most artistic films.

That's right. My father, C .B., he built this place single -handedly from an old

stable.

Uranus has had more Oscar nominations than any studio in Hollywood.

And someday it'll all gonna be mine.

Right, Mommy?

Yes, baby.

And soon.

What you say is true, but the films aren't making any money.

It's my opinion, P .G., that this film isn't worth finishing.

Hollywood's changed.

You have to face facts.

Something has to break.

What's the big hole up in there, Denton?

Do I have to come in there and do it myself?

Junior, put away that sucker.

Like this.

Like this.

Like this.

Damn it, Junior. Stop that sucking. I did. I did.

Shake that ass, baby.

Shake that ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm coming.

Yeah.

Come.

Sounds on the tracker all right.

Prices up the movie.

Whose idea was that?

Doesn't anyone want the credit?

Um, just out of curiosity, what's it like with the old man?

Well, it's like picking a marshmallow into a piggy bank.

Thank you.

Well, Pergamos!

What do you have to say for yourself?

Holy... That's who I think it is.

Your ass is out of your anus.

Your ass.

How utterly ridiculous you... You dirty...

If that's you, Percival, suffer.

You're disturbing me.

There's no need to apologize.

Your behavior has been ridiculous and I don't want to talk to you.

Am I speaking, please?

You'll forgive my intrusion, but I really couldn't resist the temptation to

you again.

Oh, hi.

I mean, Dr. Pistons.

What a surprise.

I know you didn't mean what you just said any more than you meant it last

when you told me not to call you again. Mr. President, sir.

One moment, my sweet.

No, Mr. President.

I was not talking to you.

Ah, I see.

That is a rumor circulated by our enemy. But he did not give me head.

You're welcome, sir.

I must see you, Henrietta.

Why,

doctor, why are you calling me when you can have any beautiful young girl that

you want?

My dainty little dove.

Ever since I met you at the club lunch and I've had nothing else on my mind.

Promise me we can meet tonight.

And this misery of mine, Henrietta. Have pity on me.

My doctor, you do have a way with words.

Surely you know I'm old enough to be your sister.

What could you possibly see in me?

I see you in everything.

I haven't slept a wink since I first laid eyes on you.

I dream of you.

better be tonight.

If you put me off any longer, I cannot be responsible for my actions.

Eight o 'clock.

My bliss.

Positively not, doctor.

This is sheer madness.

I'm not that kind of a woman.

I've got responsibilities.

My husband, a grown son.

What would people say?

No. It's impossible.

But, Lettie, I can explain if you don't stop crying.

You don't love me anymore. No, Lettie, it's not like that at all.

You see, this morning, there was this other woman in the projection room.

I knew there was another woman.

Please, Lettie, listen to me.

There's no one else.

had these unmentionables because I thought they belonged to you.

I thought you were cheating on me.

But how in the fuck are we going to make any money if you won't send us prints?

I told you, your payment went out in yesterday's mail.

Now, how have I ever lied to you?

Well, that wasn't a lie, just a miscalculation.

All right.

All right!

We'll take our business to someone else!

They look like toilet paper rolls.

They are. All the restrooms are out of toilet paper.

And the maintenance company won't deliver any more until you pay them two

back salaries.

And the employees are complaining.

Well, take a memo.

Effective immediately.

All employees will provide their own...

Yes, sir.

Please make sure I'm not disturbed for a half an hour. I've got to get my head

together. Yes, sir.

Oh, you haven't forgotten about the staffing. Mr. Dartmouth called for 11,

you? No, no, no. I have everything ready.

Yes, sir.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

Take a memo to Denton.

I won't have executives fooling around with Uranus actresses. They're under

personal contract to me.

We make family films.

My employees must reflect that image.

Tell Denton to get on the account and find out what we can do to extend our

credit around town.

Got to get some money from somewhere.

Tell them to promise them anything.

Yes, sir.

Well, I guess things can't get much worse, can they?

Is there anything in the trades I should know about?

Well, the pornos are bigger than ever.

Devil, road, green door.

They're making a fortune.

The public wants sex.

Well, I'm with the public.

The Mount Rushmore thing isn't worth finishing.

When they want to see tits, asses, and cocks, you can't give them a bunch of

statues.

If P .G. doesn't get on the bandwagon, we're dead.

Mr. Denton, you must be joking. Mr. Dartmouth would never approve of sex on

screen.

Tell me, Miss Adams, have you seen Deep Throat?

Yes, I did, as a matter of fact.

For professional reasons.

What was it about?

Well, it was about this girl who had this very unique sex problem.

You see, she had never had an orgasm.

Thank you.

Aww.

What, uh... Do you want to do something?

No.

I

wonder where it's from.

No, no, no.

Look. Oh, it's from Oscar.

Oh, well, hey, let's, uh... Hand me that freezer plate and I'll open it.

I don't suppose... Please, suppose it won't help?

Oh, no.

Oh, my God. Isn't that the most fantastic thing you've ever seen?

Dear Frank, my search for a new Garbo has taken me all over Europe, and now I

find myself in sunny Spain.

What's he doing in Spain? He's supposed to be in Sweden. Unfortunately,

I have run out of money, which caused me to sneak out of Sweden,

leaving behind a hot trail of smoldering Swedes, hurriedly hump

my way across Holland.

pluck my way frantically through France, and silently slip into Spain at

Biarritz.

In desperation, I traded my last pair of

pants for a loaf of bread.

On the outskirts of Madrid, I saw a light that looked inviting in the

I jumped off the train and headed in the direction of the welcoming light.

As I clutched frantically to the remains of my bread, I suddenly remembered I

had no pants on.

The night wind was creating an uncomfortable draft between my legs.

I thought of Ingrid, the Swedish sex pot I had left behind in Sweden, and that

warmed me up.

If only her teeth hadn't been so sharp.

Suddenly, without warning,

I now must

tell you that I am being held prisoner by two very simpática Spanish

whores for non -payment.

To pass the time, I am trying to make the best of a dreadful situation by

learning the language.

and several of the local tradition.

I must admit the girls are quite interesting and into many cultural

They both appear to be excellent prospects for the bitter grapes lead,

certain that one of them is going to emerge as the next barba.

I need money desperately.

Wire me immediately care of Casa de Amor Prohibido.

Madrid.

Hasta la vista and hello to your sister.

Oscar.

Wear them back.

Grapes? Canceled. Stop.

Uranus position precarious.

Stop.

Uranus broke.

Stop.

Hang in. Some guys have all the luck. Stop.

And...

There's such magic in your dirty, dirty eyes.

Oh, Spanish ladies, your love must surely come from Hades.

Oh, Spanish sirens, you're not put by love in Ireland.

What you do to me is tragic.

Your kisses are so full of wretches.

Oh, you Spanish wenches.

You drag my heart right through the trenches.

Oh, Spanish wretches.

Oh, sexy wenches.

Dark -eyed ladies.

Red -eyed women.

Oh, lusty bitches.

Olé. Olé. Olé. Olé.

Oh, you Spanish bitches!

Your kisses are so full of riches!

Oh, you Spanish wenches!

You drag my heart through the trenches!

Oh, Spanish fiends!

Oh, sexy wenches!

Dark -eyed ladies!

Red -eyed women!

Oh, lusty bitches!

Olé! Olé! Oy vey! Olé!

Venus is wiped out.

We've been licked by the new sex slave at Hollywood.

Mommy, you promised me I could be in a movie. Now there ain't gonna be a movie.

Knock it off!

I'm not in the mood for any of your tantrums.

You're a boy wonder.

I pay you for ideas.

There's no money.

There's nothing else to do.

There's no credit.

Damn shame when the public will pay $5 a head to see someone... Yes, and when

some silly little whore becomes a movie star overnight just because she gets to

gobble up some... Mommy, you can't let him close your rain. It's going to be

mine someday.

Get out, kid. Sit down and shut up.

Love, love, love, love.

Put them on, Mabel.

Mr. Dartmouth.

Yes, this is Percival Dartmouth. Who is this?

Mr. Dartmouth, this is Horace Avery of the State Department.

Dr. Pissinger's office.

Dr. Pissinger's office?

Yes, I have some very good news for you.

Well, I could use some good news. What is it?

Aranis has just been awarded a million -dollar contract to film a simulated

version of the Russian -American outer space hookup.

the artistic end up for you.

I don't recall bidding on any government film.

You must be a very good friend of Dr. Pissinger's.

Pissinger? I never met him in my life.

Well, good luck on the film.

The money will be transferred to your bank immediately.

Well, that's okay.

He was a bit surprised, but he'll go along.

Well, I'll be damned.

What was that about Dr.

Pissinger? I don't understand it.

Uranus has been given a million dollar contract into some outer space thing.

Hot shit!

Uranus stays open.

If you'll excuse me, Percival, I have to see a friend.

Junior, I suggest that you start studying acting.

Imagine my son an astronaut.

Well,

at least we have a temporary reprieve. I don't understand it. Why us?

Isn't it simply divine?

We're going into outer space.

I don't have a thing to wear.

The idea just hit me.

If we're going to have a million dollars to work with, why don't we sidetrack

enough of it to turn out a quickie porno?

Never, never. You know my principles.

Yes, but I also know that in selling the top -grossing films of the year, pornos

broke all box office records.

She's right, P .G.

If we can take enough of this government money to turn out a quickie porno

movie, we can get right on a bandwagon right along with the rest of you.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

Maybe we should swing with the times.

The fad now is porno films and disaster films like Jaws, Earthquake, The

Towering Inferno, Deep Throat, The Seaman and Miss Jones, The Trail

Up Billy's Crack.

Why don't we make a sex -aster movie about a bunch of nympho mermaids? And we

could call it Deep Jaws.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Deep Jaws.

We could use mermen instead of mermaids.

Deep Jaws. The story of a homosexual shark.

I think it's a one PG.

Get Oscar to find a new face for Miss Deep Jaws.

Right away.

Where is Oscar?

Send him a wire.

Start search for Miss Deep Jaws.

Attack, swim, and give sensational head simultaneously.

Begin shooting two days.

And send him some money, Miss Adams.

Layton, you handle the government film. Get a chief porno crew to shoot it for

next to nothing.

I'm an attorney. I'm not a director.

You're what you think you are. Do it.

Denton, deep jaws is your baby. Shoot it cheap and fast.

Gotcha. Chaddock, you work with Denton.

Make yourself useful.

Keep your hands off the actors.

S -E -X -M -O -B -I -E. S -E -X -M -O -B -I -E.

What the hell are you mumbling about?

I heard what was going on up there. You're going to make a sex movie.

Hot shit. I want to be the star. I don't want to be an astronaut.

Listen, kid, you go blabbing any of this to your mother and I'll... I want to be

the star of the S -E -X -M -O -B -I -E or else.

Ridiculous. You can't be the star.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll let you on the set and you can look at all the naked women.

No. I want to be the star.

Impossible.

My little henny, you've finally come to me.

Stop this nonsense immediately or I'll have to leave.

How can I express my delight?

How can I show my pent -up emotions?

I can only say a moment, Hans.

I've come to thank you for what you've done for my husband.

And to tell you we must stop this foolishness before it goes too far.

Ah, my passionate Petunia. Oh, what a woman you are.

Come. Let us explore the illicit delights that await us.

Oh, you little devil!

This is a script for the simulated space shot. It's top priority, so stop

whatever you're doing.

You're supposed to be typing deep jaws.

Fuck Layton.

PG wants deep jaws now.

Love, love, love. Not now. Out, out, out.

For Christ's sake, I got to do all the thinking around here.

How much can a guy take?

Shit, man, I don't get this script.

I mean, there's only two people in it.

And only one splash scene.

Splash scene?

Well, I guess by splash, they must have... They must have been a cum shot,

right? Yeah, this old shit don't know nothing about movies, do they?

Well, you suppose we better get a hold of that fella in charge.

What's his name?

Fenton or Denton?

Fenton.

Fenton! Should we get a hold of him?

What for?

Well, he'd make the right changes in the script.

Oh! Fuck no.

Leave the script the way it is.

Okay, you say so.

Well, I guess the first thing we've got to do is build a spaceship.

Hey, I got the actor to play the astronaut. Good.

And the chick.

The chick?

The chick.

You mean the one with the goatee? The chick.

All right, well, give me that script. Let's see how we're going to shoot this

mother.

Okay.

Hey, you mean they only got one of them splashdown scenes and that's just the

very end?

Yeah.

Dumb fuckers.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Frenchy.

Frenchy, look at that.

That says simulated space shot.

Hey, man, this ain't no hardcore movie.

I ain't doing no movie ain't hardcore.

Oh, come on, Bucky, man. Bread is bread, right?

Oh, man, gotta have some ethics sometimes.

Hey, listen, we got to check. We can do something later.

Hey. You mean we'll pretend we're not going to do it and then we'll make it

hardcore anyhow? Yeah!

Fuck Leighton!

And he's teddy bear!

Excuse you.

Cheating on me?

Well, let's not talk about that now, Percy.

I forgive you.

Oh, Percy.

There's something on my mind that I must discuss with you.

Oh, anything, anything at all, buddy. What is it?

Well, I heard that you were going to do a sexy movie.

Where did you hear that, Angel Bliss?

Oh, I heard it around.

Is it true?

Well, yes.

Well, Percy, I know you wouldn't want anybody but me to star in it now, would

you? You want me to be happy, don't you?

Well... Oh, yes.

But if you worked, you'd have to get up early in the morning, go

to bed early at night, and you'd be tired all the time.

And you'd have to be naked in front of other men and you wouldn't want to do

that, would you?

I'll see to it.

Hello, Denton.

I have the perfect young lady for that big child's role.

Miss Lettie LaRue.

Miss Binder, when I heard the wonderful news about you going to make a motion

picture, well, I said to myself, I just know that he'll insist on his little

Phoebe playing the leading lady role.

But, Phoebe, it's a sex movie.

You're too sweet, so too innocent.

I'm saving you for bigger, better, more spiritual things, like a remake of

Bernadette, or a...

Fatima? Mm -hmm.

Something, uh, a little more you.

Oh!

Baby!

My dear Mr.

Dutton Sr., you were not being very spiritual with me at my apartment last

Monday evening.

If you think that you can just use me and abuse me, you are very much

I am not just another dumb broad with a pretty face.

You give me the leading lady role in this moving picture or else

No, it's impossible.

You can't do it. You can't do it.

And why not, may I inquire?

Because the leading lady in Deep Jaws is...

To be the lead in Deep Jaws, that's what. I've taken swimming lessons.

I'm going to read a book on acting now. I want a copy of the script of Deep

Jaws.

It's out of the question, Junior.

Nothing personal.

To squeal or not to squeal, that is the question.

I see.

That's blackmail, you know.

It's against the law.

Father doesn't like the idea of his help screwing around with his women,

especially Miss LaRue.

Especially in his own studio, practically under his nose.

All right.

You win.

Here's a script.

But you might call Miss LaRue about going over some of the hot scenes.

She's going to be your leading lady, it seems.

What would Father say?

Oh, he's all for it. I checked it out with him.

Yeah.

Now, run along. I'm busy.

Yahoo!

for Deep Jaws will arrive LAX, 2 p .m. Tuesday, Air France.

PG has promised a part to Miss LaRue.

Oscar signed this one to a contract and Junior insists on playing the male lead.

What the hell else could happen?

Mr. Denton's office?

Yes, sir.

It's Mr. Dartmouth.

Yes, BG.

What is it?

Love.

more than good friends.

It says here, okay,

lay down on the bed.

Well, just a minute. I don't need any...

Yes, yes, hello, hello.

Hello, yes.

Mr. Denton, there's a Miss Free here to see you.

Send her right over.

All right this way, right this way.

Yeah.

Mr. Dartmouth Senior wanted us to meet. I mean, for the purpose of me drawing in

his new moving picture.

This is his card.

upon which he had inscribed a message of a very intimate nature.

Yes, uh, Miss... Mr. Dartmouth.

Miss, uh, Free, is it? Phoebe, P. Free.

Until very recently from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Well, a friend of Mr.

Dartmouth is a friend of mine, Miss, uh... Miss, uh... Free, with a P.

Miss Phoebe, P. Free.

From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Very, uh... Very unusual name.

Well, Mr. Denton, I'm a very unusual type, young man.

Oh, I could tell that right off. Yes, sir.

Could you now? Yes, I could tell that right away. Mr. Denton, I really think

you'll agree that I should have the leading lady role in this movie picture.

Wow.

Wow, yes.

Mr. Denton, I can tap it, too, see?

Yes, Miss Free, but Miss Free, Miss Free.

But do you fuck?

Well, not for free.

However, I am here for a part in smoothing pictures.

Yes, from the first time I saw you, I said, now, there's a very serious

actress, a girl who will go far. Oh, I hope so. All the way, I hope.

I can perceive, Miss Free, that you are a woman of great depth.

Oh, yes, I'm going to get you.

I'll make you the star of the show.

I give you a one -year contract.

One year.

A five -year contract.

I don't understand what they're saying.

Anyway... If I find out you've been screwing around with the actresses under

contract to me, you're fired.

Understand? Yes, P .G.

Now let's get down to business.

I haven't heard a... Get a hold of yourself.

Have you sorted out this leading lady?

French girl's coming tomorrow at the airport.

Have you taken care of the other two yet?

I haven't found a solution yet, but...

Take your broody hands off me. I saw what you were doing.

You sneaky little bastard. Now you've got to give me the lead in the film.

got a case of double jeopardy going against you with father.

Ciao, baby.

This is the most boring fuck script I've read.

Fuck.

We've got to jazz it up. Wait a minute, man. I'm thinking.

I got it. I got it, Frenchie. Listen to this. Hey, I'm a fucking genius, man.

We'll make it into a girl -girl movie.

Yeah, we'll take the woman's lib approach.

Two lady astronauts all naked doing things together in outer space.

Oh, it'll go big in the city and it'll draw good with the night crowd.

Well, I don't understand what you're talking about half the time anyway.

The main thing in this film is to get good close -ups of the hookup and

fantastic coverage of the splash scenes, you know?

You do understand that? Look, we can't have a fucking splashdown scene with two

chicks. Yeah, yeah, we'll work on it. With the budget we have, we can't do

anything too spectacular.

Listen, uh, what's his name?

Fenton. Uh, Benton.

Listen, Benton. Layton.

Oh, Layton.

Meet us on the set in a couple hours.

We'll have some ideas for you. You can pick one. Okay, okay, but remember now.

Good close -ups of the hook -up and splash -down. You got it. You got it,

Layton. You got it. You got it. I don't give a damn what that asshole says. I

think we ought to have a girl -girl movie. Bucky, we got to have a fucking

splash -down. We got to have a boy -girl. They don't like girl -girl

they want to do the fucking girl -girl. I like girl -girl movies. All right!

My mother likes girl -girl movies. Fuck your mother!

I already did.

And they lived happily ever after. Oh, Hansi, isn't that romantic?

Oh, Henny, we could live happily ever after.

Together. No, Hans.

I'm grateful for everything you've done for me.

But we've got to stop meeting like this.

Oh, Henny, I'll be patient with you.

To think of all the years I spent in therapy until you came into my life.

Do you know that idiotic doctor in Vienna had the nerve to tell me I was a

latent heterosexual?

Oh, Hans, don't think of those things. Just stop.

We gotta shoot this turkey tomorrow.

Where the hell is Layton? Never mind Layton. He told us to use our own

discretion. Just stay within budget, all right?

Stay within the budget, shit.

Most of the budget's already gone. The wine.

Oh, never mind the wine, Bucky.

You know, there's something screwy about all this.

I mean, we're supposed to recreate the fucking space hookup.

That's what it says in the script.

Oh, shit.

I guess it must mean some sort of a fantasy foxing or something. You know,

words about the government and all.

Shit. Well, I got this dude coming over that's real well -hunt. He said he'd do

it for 20 bucks and he guaranteed it's a good cum shot.

Or as they say in the upper crust, a big splashdown.

Here he comes. I'll get the actors ready.

Well, well.

Good, good.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, how's everything going, fellas?

Yeah, all right.

Well, the script's still confusing as hell, but I think we finally got it

together.

What you and I's got to get straight now is exactly what you want from the

action scene, sir.

Mike, would you send in number 22?

Action.

No.

No. No. No. No!

Hey, uh, we got one more out.

You mean.

Seventy -four!

Not me!

No, no, no, no, no.

I think you better sit down and read the script again.

I'm not missing. You have it any way you think best, okay?

Just remember.

Well, Denton, how's it going?

That's infusion.

Who in the hell's idea was it to use the same location for both shots?

Oh, get with it, Denton. The name of the game is to save money.

What if somebody from Pissinger's office comes by to check on us? Don't worry

about it. You can handle it.

Oh, yeah, okay. I'll handle it some way.

By the way, I'm missing a mermaid.

I'm missing a mermaid. Where in the hell am I going to find a mermaid?

Listen, listen.

Have you solved the problem of deleting ladies yet?

I'm doing the best I can, P .G. Fine. I knew I could count on it.

What the hell have you got stuffed in your pants?

It's my new image, Father.

A sex symbol.

Oh, my goodness.

I must get you in the costume.

I never knew you were so talented.

Oh, come this way.

Wait till you see what I have in store for you, you lovely creature.

A new star is born.

How long has that guy been working for? Excuse me.

Come on, come on. How long?

I don't know. I don't know. He ain't going to be working.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Mr. Denton.

But there's no one to pick up the French chick at the airport.

Can we send Brad?

Sure. You can tear him away from Junior.

Hey, man.

I thought I was balling some foreign dude.

Ain't no way I'm balling this dude.

He gave me the clap two weeks ago.

As a matter of fact, you can just pay me and I can get the fuck out of here.

Because I done wasted a whole motherfucking day on here anyway. Now,

honey. We already told you that Russian fella never showed up. He's the best we

got. Hey, fella.

Is it true that you got the clap?

Hey, man.

What do I know from the clap, huh?

Get this goddamn thing over with.

Come on, I got another shoot to do in about an hour.

He gave me the clap, and he ain't touching me.

Okay.

Listen, man, go get yourself some penicillin, and we'll use you in four

Well, Frankie, what are we going to do now?

Well, what do you think?

Oh, fuck!

Come on, get it to your face.

Hey, hey, what is that fish doing off set?

Hans, you must believe me when I tell you, I've never done anything like this

before.

What a fallen woman you must think I am.

I love you, Henny. I want to shout it to the whole world.

Hansi loves Henny.

Hansi loves Henny.

Oh, Hansi, hush.

What if somebody hurts you?

Think of your reputation.

Oh, my bonbon.

There's so much of you to love.

I don't know where to start.

You know where to begin, Hansel.

It is only right that you test what you pay for.

I would never pay for that, sweetie.

Oh, sweetie, they look enormous.

Oh, touch them. They're yours.

It's the French way.

That's not the French way.

Ah, you mean this is the French way.

Oh, my God.

Stop that.

That's ugly.

That, I shall show my gratitude in quite another way.

Oh, oh, no, what are you doing?

Don't touch that. Oh, you're not my mother. Oh, God, help me.

What

the

hell happened to the mermaid? We've got more important things to do than worry

about a mermaid.

Why, Miss LaRue, how lovely you look.

I thought you took care of her.

Peachy, I must talk to you. It's very important.

It's about the movie role.

Miss LaRue, now is not the time. Now, you run along and get into your costume.

Mr. Jotick will be with you in a minute.

What are you... Junior, this little charade has gone far enough.

You are not going to be in this movie in that final.

Stay out of everyone's way.

He won't let me play in the picture.

Percy, I must speak to you. It can't wait.

What is it, my dear? Mr. Denton, there's a Miss Phoebe here who says she must

see you. She says she has to leave and... Not now.

Not now?

Well, what I want to say to you is that... Look, look, look. Here comes

with the French girl.

Look, run along now, my dear. We'll do properly.

I'll meet you out front at the gate.

You brute.

Here, gentlemen, is your new Miss Deep Jaws.

It is with the greatest of pleasure that I turn her over to you.

Have you seen your ear?

Junior!

Junior! Welcome to Uranus.

I'm Frank Denton. This is Mr.

Dartmouth.

Hi, I'm Renise.

Where do I start on?

Junior.

Have you seen Junior?

Oh.

Junior.

I think it's going to work.

I think it's going to work.

I think it's going to work.

Everybody gather around here. I'll tell you what we're going to do.

Now, you see, in order to make this thing look real, I'm going to pretend

I'm interviewing you before your first real takeoff into outer space.

I need a microphone. That's good.

All right. You ready now? Roll camera.

Sound rolling. Action.

All right. Here we go now.

I'm from ABS News Service, and I'm interviewing Miss White.

You get it? Boy, now then, Miss White, tell me what's it like to be the first

coon on the moon?

Far out.

Really far out. Hey, can you tell us a little bit about the training program

went through in preparation for this fantastic flight, Miss White?

Hey, man, what's this bullshit?

It was hard to fuck.

Not to say words. It's going to cost you $10 extra if I've got to say words.

And this fucking suit I got on is about to burn up. I don't see what the fuck

I'm wearing this motherfucker for. I don't know if I got to get laid.

Shit.

everything. But, Henrietta... Refusing to put your own son in a movie.

Yes, I can.

Oh, I'm well.

Oh, I'm well.

I'm well.

Oh,

P .G., how do you like your new leading?

Telegram? The telegram.

Oh, the telegram. Oh, yeah, here.

You read it.

Well, it says, I'm leaving for Rome to play Nicasa in Brothers Karamazov. And

it's signed, called Carlo Ponti.

That's what I wanted to tell you. She can't play it either.

Well.

No way you gonna stick that thing in me without a rubber on it.

Hey, baby, what do you expect me to give them that big splash down the scene if

I got that fucking rubber on? That's your problem.

I got 15 more minutes and I'm done.

And I'm getting out of here and I don't care what you do.

You ain't sticking that thing. You ain't giving me the claps no more.

I can make it big.

Everybody hates a leaky pee -pee.

All right, Frankie, start the countdown.

All right, is everybody ready?

Three minus five -nine.

Hey! Three minus five -eight.

Three minus five -seven.

Three minus five -six.

Three minus five -five. Three... On your feet, Denton, on your feet.

Said you had a problem with a missing mermaid?

Well, Henrietta has agreed to play a mermaid.

My God!

Oh, no! Now, you listen to the old fool, Denton. If there's anything I know

that's hard to handle women, now I want Henrietta in this movie.

Get Monique in position with the extras.

This is a big camera. I am doing a small scene. I need a small...

Don't be a squid.