Original subtitles

taking the time to look round the property, we'll let you know when it

available, Mr Streeting.

Please, call me Prime Minister.

Please call me Prime Minister.

And will it just be yourself, or is there a Mrs Streeting?

Actually, I'm gay, but not gay in the fun way.

I'm less Graham Norton gay, more Derren Brown gay.

Well, what else can I tell you? Oh, central location, gated community and

of storage space.

Give me another chance to fortify more days.

I told you, Liz Truss, you can't keep living in the cupboards.

Right.

I'm sorry about her. She's so weird.

So, what do you think?

It's an amazing property. There must be some kind of catch.

Yeah, there is a bit of a catch. If you live here, everyone in the country is

going to hate you.

That's OK. I don't have any feelings.

Not so fast, sunshine.

Oh, that must be our next viewing, Mr... Burnham.

Andy is my first name.

Andy, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Manchester.

I took the tram down.

Tram doesn't go to London.

Explains why it took so bloody long.

So, this is how you lot live down here. Well, la -dee -da.

Andy, I don't remember you being this northern.

I don't remember you at all, Shagger.

Point is, time for a change.

For an outsider.

A disruptor.

Weren't you an MP for 16 years?

You voted for the Iraq war.

Oh, that was five wars ago.

Besides, you're not exactly Mr Progressive yourself.

I'll have you know I'm a proud member of the LGBT community.

Lesbian, gay, bi, and texting Peter Mandelson.

Room for a red one.

You said you weren't interested.

I'm not. I'm just having a look.

you reckon stamp duty is in a place like this?

And would I have to pay it?

Well, you are interested.

Well, get in line, pal.

Right. What

the

blubbernecks

going on down here?

What's the Eurovision up there?

This is the one program I still enjoy.

Every time I turn on the news, it's just a sad picture of me.

Eurovision's the only show left with any integrity.

I love how they stood up to Russia after they invaded Ukraine.

And I love the wonderful song Israel sang.

Sakhir, you're probably wondering why we're all doing here. I know why you're

here, Burnham.

You want me out.

And you know what?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should step down.

Two years is pretty good going for a Prime Minister these days.

That's like 24 knees!

Look,

I don't know how or if history will remember me.

But whatever you think of me, at the end of the day, I was here.

Was I doing a good job?

No.

But was I doing the best I could do?

No.

But when I look at all of your faces, it makes me think.

It makes me think.

Labby!

Labby! Labby, will you turn that Eurovision down, please?

And you know what?

All of you out!

Because as far as I know, I'm still the Prime Minister!

And I will be for at least the next 75 minutes!

I'm Shruti Gatwa, and I am buzzed to be here hosting SNL UK.

We're making history tonight.

I'm the first black host.

I'm the first queer host.

And I'm the first openly Scottish host.

It's the last episode of the season, so they have to do it all in one.

It has been very exciting to be here. When he asked me to do this show, I'll

admit I was nervous.

But then I realized it was maybe the only way I'd get to play my dream role.

That's right.

Guy Goma, a .k .a. the man mistakenly interviewed on BBC News 20 years ago.

So what does all this mean for the industry and the growth of music online?

Well, Guy Cooney is the editor of the technology website News Wireless.

Hello, good morning to you.

fantastic roles in my career millions of you watched me as eric in sex education

and then about 12 of you watched me in doctor who hey maybe

that's why i kept crying joking aside it was genuinely a magical role in fact it

was the first time my parents were truly proud of my career when i told them i

got the part they said finally a doctor in the family

Since regenerated into Billy Piper, I don't understand it either.

I still love Doctor Who and I got to meet so many crazy characters.

Sort of a bit like this place.

Yes, I have had an amazing week here getting stuck into things.

In fact, it's allowed me to dust off a few old skills.

For instance, did you know I used to be a go -go dancer?

That's right.

I went from shaking these gloves to the stage at Shakespeare's Globe. I am a

proper theatre actor.

That's why tonight I'd really like to show you my hamlet.

Okay, so you'll be needing this then.

Amy Lewis!

What are you doing here?

Hi! I'm working now.

Yeah, I just do a little bit of everything.

Oh, my God.

Do you know, I thought I saw you with the caterers. Yes, yes, I made that

lasagna that served 200 people.

Very good.

I'm just in my monologue now. Do you mind if I get back to my Shakespeare?

Sorry, sorry, of course. You've got this. I love you.

Anyway, as I was saying, I am a classically trained actor, and so I

time I get my soliloquy out.

To be or not to be, that is the question!

Why are you down there?

Impossible.

Hey, please do that.

We are Birds of Prey.

We're basically delivery for gospel choirs.

Every Sunday I would watch the choir move people into giving up their

life savings. And I just thought to myself, I can do that.

Yes, the numbers make sense. Lawrence.

Yeah. I'm on the phone.

Sorry. We found the perfect iteration of gospel that...

won't send the white into a panic. So previously, it was something along the

lines of this.

So... We don't do that anymore.

It's much more gentle, so it's more...

White guilt is quite lucrative.

We've done all the X -Factor finals, we've done Ant and Dec, Saturday Night

Takeaway. Essentially anything that makes Stephen Mulhern look more soulful.

But it was Abby and Megan's wedding that changed everything for us.

Caucasian institutions quickly realized what a little praise and worship can do.

Our bank got done for discriminatory lending against the black community.

But birds of praise came in and sang lean on me. And by Monday, everyone had

moved on.

We've also started doing white gospel.

We need Caucasian songs.

This is your culture.

Any song by Coldplay.

No. Phil Collins, he's black.

Come on, Ali.

Come on, Ali.

Come on, Ali.

Come on, Ali.

There are very few problems that you can't throw a gospel choir at. Having

of prey sing amongst hundreds and hundreds of stolen artefacts essentially

says... It's okay.

It's good.

We've done this.

It's good.

And then 2020 came around.

What is this?

The black squares almost finished off us.

This is an end it.

Oh!

Okay.

God. It was a dark time for everyone.

It was Dua Lipa's year for sure.

Then... Trump came back on the scene. It'll get better.

He won.

Better. That's in business.

Racism through.

And business has been booming.

Stop the war.

Yay. Whoa.

Sorry.

beautiful day on the island of Sodor, but Henry was not feeling like himself.

Cheer up, Henry, said Thomas.

Sorry, Thomas, my lovely paint doesn't feel so shiny today, said Henry.

Oh, look, here comes the owner of the railway, Sir Topham Hatt. I wonder if he

can cheer Henry up.

Morning, Thomas. Morning, Henry.

Morning, Fat Controller.

Stop the music.

Sorry, what?

Morning. No, no, no. What did you say? Morning what?

Fat Controller.

It's just a nickname that we've all been using.

You've all been calling me the Fat Controller behind my back.

Don't you like it?

No, obviously I don't like it. What the hell is wrong with you?

Said the Fat Controller.

Very sweatily and out of breath.

Oh, shit.

Here he comes, chiming in. You as well, is it, Ringo?

I mean...

my actual name, Sir Topham Hatt.

Well, that is a bit of a silly name, but... Oh, is that a silly name, Ringo

Starr? Calm down, Topham. That's Sir Topham to you. What did you get knighted

for again?

It was, uh, services to the food industry. It makes sense. Oh, yes, yes,

right, yes.

Laugh it up. The guy who runs a train station on his own, by the way,

occasionally likes a treat.

Occasionally? You know what?

Perhaps you shouldn't get your breakfast from the West Cornwall Pasty Company

every morning.

Well, actually, I've got a thyroid issue, and I've got a note from my

prove it, so what do you think of that, eh?

That's a Burger King wrap -up.

You know, I think Fat Controller is a very nice nickname.

It shows that you're in control. Exactly.

Yeah, funnily enough, it's not the controller part I've got an issue with.

Did you learn nothing from that respect in the workplace seminar that we all sat

through? We learnt that Gordon wants to be referred to by he, they pronouns.

Aw, good for them.

Yeah, it's good for them, but my point is, name -calling is exactly the kind of

workplace bullying that makes people go off the rails. Hey, that is not right.

What? We don't really say that sort of thing.

Off the rails.

It's anti -train language.

Peace and love.

Peace and love.

Yeah, peace and love. Okay, yeah. Peace and love right here for you, Ringo. How

about that? Peace and love.

Oh. Oh, controller.

No, I didn't. Oh.

Well, that's going to end up in the village newsletter.

You know what? I don't even know why I bother with this.

Yeah, here's me coming in with a tin of paint to give you a fresh lick, make you

feel good about yourself, because I heard you weren't feeling great, right?

do I get? A knife in the back.

You know, excuse me for caring. I guess that's my problem. I care too much. I

don't think that's your main problem.

Great, thank you. Sir Topham, maybe if you walked more and stopped riding us to

get around all the time, you wouldn't be overweight.

Right, that's me gone. If I don't come in tomorrow, I've Topham's myself, all

right? Good riddance.

The Fat Controller waddled off obesely in a big fat huff.

For the record, by the way, fiend trains are a thing of the past, all right?

You're nothing more than a hobby for weird kids and pedos, so enjoy that, all

right? I want to stick around here just to be laughed at, okay? Whoa!

We are sorry to announce that your 3 .30 train to Sodor Town Centre is delayed

due to what appears to be a very, very fat man wearing a top hat stuck on the

track. Hello, old friend.

I'm Louis Theroux, a bespectacled documentarian who makes documentaries

difficult subjects like cults, prisons, and Ann Widdicombe.

I've had tapas with the Tiger King and done karaoke with the KKK, everything a

boy could dream of.

But there's always been one person I've wanted to interview, and of all the

places I was to meet him, in a travel lodge in Bromsgrove.

This is looking through the mirror.

Hi, Louis.

Firstly, can I call you Louis?

You can call me Louis.

Yeah, yeah. Is that all right, Louis? Can I call you Louis? Louis, how are

Are you finding this awkward?

I'm good, yeah, yeah. This isn't about me. How are you? Are you all right? Is

that fair to say?

I'm good, I'm good. But this isn't about me. This is about you, Louis Theroux.

Should we get started?

Yeah, that's right. Should we get started?

Louis and I seem to be bonding.

I wanted to make sure I wasn't getting the wrong impression, so I decided to

more.

So, Louis, you always seem to be, look at other weird people and not at your

weird self.

Did that get old?

Do you think I'm getting old? Can I say that? Is that fair to say?

This is starting to feel like a bit of a weird weekend.

Is that fair to say? Should we get started?

I'd like to. Should we get started?

I thought we were going to get started.

Have you backtracked already?

I was getting the sense that Louis was getting so tired of my questions.

So, Louis, would you describe yourself as a self -reflective person?

Should I answer that?

Is this a bit awkward now?

Yeah. Yeah.

Should we get started?

Yeah.

Even though we were clearly disassociating, I felt hopeful that we

get started.

But my eye was caught by the other mirror.

Bye, Louis.

Louie. Hello, Louie. Should we get started?

Yeah, hi, Louie. Should we get started?

Yes. Should we get started?

Yeah.

It was then I realized there was more to me than just the awkward Louie people

see on television.

I contained multitudes of Louie, and they were all awkward.

Awkward. Oh, really?

So were all these, all the parts of Louie Theroux which combined to complete

whole Louie Theroux? Can I say that?

We all individually Louis Theroux, but also Louis Theroux. Really?

Really? Can I say that? Can you say that? Remember when we met those

Yeah. Can I say that?

It was in that moment we had a noise complaint.

Sorry to be a bother, but you're actually being quite loud.

Is that fair to say?

Oh, gosh. Is that right? We're being quite loud.

Is that fair to say?

Is that fair to say? Is that fair to say? Is that fair to say?

I learned a lot on my trip to the Catalog.

It was the course of the weekend, and who isn't like what many stories and

saliva? Yes, we had a four -way tongue kiss.

I was too bashful to ask for a session for water.

So I ravaged my way through those tiny UHC milks, and I heard all eight of my

thumbs opening the packets.

Is it me?

Is that right?

Is that fair to say?

Hey, Louis, want to try the trouser press?

Shall we get started?

My name's Ray Tranter. I was a coal miner at Brunswick Colliery in

Nottinghamshire.

It was quite a normal morning, to be honest with you. The first thing we knew

anything was wrong was the smell.

It smelled like sulphur, like death.

Then we heard the screams.

So we run round the corner and that's when we saw it, like.

It became apparent that the man had broken through a wall on the ground and

awoken something.

An entity.

They were a young lad, Jack, from Long Eaton.

That's grabbed him.

Just pulling his arms off.

They were deployed to throw a perimeter around the mine. I was a desert storm.

I've seen all sorts.

I've seen nothing like that.

The creature was unstoppable.

I kept going.

Blobby. Blobby.

Blobby, blobby, blobby!

We all made a break for it.

Get back to the lift.

But that bastard followed us all the way out.

And all of a sudden, it just stopped.

It was a complete coincidence. I happened to be in one of the segments in

which we had tricked Roy Keane into

berating a Chinese takeaway owner.

That's when I heard the commotion in Ireland.

I ran round the corner and there he was.

We can't be certain whether it's something in Noel's pheromone signature

Blobby responds to, or whether there is a sexual aspect.

Well, reconnaissance ascertains that there were, in fact, multiple entities

concealed in the room.

One thing was clear.

The mind had to be healed.

Immediately.

Mrs. Thatcher ate the pill for all of us. It killed her. What her party did to

her beloved miners.

Blobby as an ass and bone made flesh.

What keeps me up at night is what happens when Edmunds cops it.

I've seen what one of them can do.

And there's millions of them down there.

gentlemen, Holly Humberstone.

It all breaks down. It always does. It all works out. It always does.

And you feel too much. You fed it all on a summer crush. It all breaks down. It

always does.

It all looks out. It always does. And you wear his t -shirt. You hate his

You read the handbook. You take the truck. You said, from here on out, it's

tough. It always was. It always was. Corrupt somebody.

Dead somebody.

Blue somebody.

It all breaks down.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young. And I'm Anya Magliano.

We start with some breaking news from the Labour Party.

West Streeting has just confirmed that if there is a leadership contest, he

challenge Keir Starmer. And now we've had reports from inside Westminster that

West Streeting could be right on the verge of hitting puberty.

More on those balls as they drop.

Earlier this week, Keir Starmer, seen here... Hang on, sorry, which one is he?

Thank you.

Earlier this week, Starmer met with Wes Streeting at Number 10.

Starmer's allies insisted the meeting was just two men having a coffee.

Oh, my God, they're fucking... Streeting and Starmer's meeting lasted only 16

minutes. A disappointment for Wes.

who'd met with himself before he left the house in the hope he'd last longer.

There's now a real chance Wes Streeting might become the Prime Minister.

Truly, the worm has turned.

And I'm not calling Wes a worm because I don't respect his policies.

I'm calling him a worm because he looks like a worm.

Members of Reform UK have expressed worries that Wes Streeting is a friend

Mandelson. Sorry, it's 2026, just say gay.

Another potential challenger for the leadership is Andy Burnham, whose key

policy difference to streeting is that his hair goes in the other direction.

And what about the other parties? Let's turn now to the Lib Dems.

Now let's turn away from the Lib Dems.

The former deputy prime minister, Angela Rayner, is also in the mix and could

make history as the first female red -headed prime minister who doesn't

understand tax. Sorry, I'm welling.

Thicky Wrangler and Luton's angriest twink, Tommy Robinson, led the Unite the

Kingdom march in London today.

The Met Police said they had deployed over 4 ,000 officers.

Luckily, they were going to go anyway.

No, no, no.

It was actually quite a diverse crowd.

There were 20 ,000 bald men, 40 ,000 XL bullies, and one mini -bully.

My facial recognition technology was used by the police for the first time at

the protest.

It's a huge breakthrough, proving the technology is finally advanced enough to

work on munters.

A recent report has found that progress on gender equality at the top of

Britain's biggest businesses remains achingly slow, with still only nine

bosses in the footsie 100.

Here to comment is the woman who can't be ignored!

Time to focus. Don't look away. Focus. Now, that's good. That's very good.

What was your name again?

Jenny Heselbo Ahuga.

Jenny, how is it that in 2026 we still have so few female CEOs?

Well, I tell you whose fault it is. The women.

Wait for it.

I'm joking.

The problem is structural.

And I'm coming like a...

Do you have any tips for a woman going into a job interview for a high -up

position? God, yeah. Now, when you arrive at the interview, you say very

I drove here.

Now, give me this job.

Are you in the leadership role yourself?

Of course I am. I slept my way to the top. And by that, I mean I nap and I'm

gifted.

Dream a little dream of me.

And what line of work is that?

Advertising. Remember the slogan, Red Bull gives you wings?

I punished the guy who came up with that.

Now, he was great in bed, but he played me for a fool.

He's got three kids and lives in Teddington now, of course. Hey, I'm ma

Jenny, I'm so jealous of your confidence.

Oh, yeah? Are you jealous?

Yeah. Well, if you're that jealous, why not ask me out for a drink?

Why not ask me to be your girlfriend?

Try it. See what I say.

I don't know, it seems a little forward.

Well, as I always say to every person I ever meet, you're lost.

She will be loved.

Okay, fine.

I can't ignore you, Jenny. Want to get a drink sometime?

Ah, yes. Well, let me check. With my husband, I'm married, you bellend.

I'm a woman in a female leadership position. Someone put a ring on this

impressive art years ago.

Wow!

has set up a website promoting safe routes for women running alone.

As we know, running alone is one of the most dangerous things you can do as a

woman, apart from walking alone, travelling alone, dining alone, sleeping

living alone and living with a partner.

The Royal Navy has been forced to redesign a uniform after complaints that

of the buttons are in the same place as nipples.

The uniform is here being worn by Princess Anne and the buttons chart the

progression downwards of her nipples throughout the year.

A U .S. member of Congress has suggested that a strange object filmed hovering

over a military base in the Middle East could in fact have been an angel.

Impossible. I've never been to the Middle East.

Now, this week was the centenary of the legendary comedian Eric Morkham.

Yeah, he's a personal hero of mine, and I'd like to take this opportunity to

deliver this tribute to him.

B -T -S -K -P -O -B -L -E -S -H -E -R -I -C -H -E -R

-I -C -H -E -R -I -C

-H

Thank you, Eric.

Rest in power.

Anya?

Yeah, okay.

Tonight,

that's what that was. Tonight is the grand final of the Eurovision Song

And the vote is happening live, right now.

Here to explain the Eurovision scoring, what?

Here to explain how Eurovision, I'm still thinking about the beatboxing.

how the Eurovision scoring works, we can now go live to one of the judges.

Hello!

Hello from Europe!

Oh wow, hi! Sorry, which country are you from?

Four points for how hot you look in a denim. Very nice. And then take away two

points if you've done a genocide.

Naughty, naughty. Slap on the wrist.

And then we all drink orange wine together and Caesar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds clear to me. So did you like the UK entry?

Yes, yes. I hated it very much so. Yes, yes, yes. Anyway.

I'm off to make sex now with the drummer from Lithuania. Bye!

Al Nash is himself, everyone!

An Amazon delivery driver caught on a doorbell camera taking a cat from a

in Yorkshire has claimed he did not know it had an owner. The cat was returned

the following day by every who rang the bell once and then booted it over the

wall.

A women's only mental health crisis centre is set to open in Swindon next

For those of you who don't know, a women's only mental health crisis centre

more commonly referred to as Oliver Bonas.

In Halifax, a strong man has become the first person in the world to pull a car

with his penis while on fire.

Although sadly, he lost the biggest battle, custody of his children.

New artworks placed outside a church in Somerset.

have been described by locals as looking like giant sex toys.

I mean, they really do. I have that one at home, the one in the coat.

The cost of living crisis looks set to worsen. To discuss some tips and tricks

on managing your personal finances, Ayoade Mamboye!

Let's get into it.

Money tip one. Remember, debt is just a number.

£34 ,000.

Those are just numbers.

HMRC. Those are just letters.

That's why I'm not opening.

What does it mean?

I think it means you owe HMRC 34 grand.

Paddy, when you speak, I get a migraine in my spine.

92.

If you have debt, remember, it's not always your fault.

Sorry, whose fault is it? Lily Allen.

So Lily Allen lived as a black woman from the years 2011 to 2014.

Once you rejoin the white community, UK borrowing costs shut off.

Coincidence? That does sound like a coincidence, yeah.

Paddy, understand that when you talk, my nipples become concave.

Please!

Please! Mummy tip three.

Find a man with an old money name, like Jasper, Richard or Tarquin. Then you

break into his house and you take all of his things.

His tapestries, his fabric jays, his children, and you sell them on Facebook

Marketplace. You deserve to have a nice life.

This is terrible advice.

Oh, yeah?

It's like an opinion.

From an expert.

Martin, where are you?

Oh, my God!

It's Martin Lewis, but he says an expert!

Your heart is in the right place.

But I can't condone this advice.

You should not sell children on Facebook Marketplace.

Vinted is way more lucrative.

Action!

Great to meet you. I'm the new producer. I just want to say I'm so excited about

this new James Bond. I think you've made an excellent casting choice. Yes, Judy

Gatois is incredible.

And I'm just so happy we finally get a black James Bond. It's been a long time

coming. And that is exactly what we have here, a black James Bond.

Technically.

Technically?

Sorry,

what's this?

I'll explain. You, Chuti Gatwa, are the new James Bond, but obviously we want to

avoid any backlash around that, so we found a loophole in society.

A loophole? Yes.

Cynthia Erivo's character in Wicked taught us that audiences are happy to

black lead in a major blockbuster as long as they're painted green.

Oh, um, like Zoe Saldana's character in Guardians of the Galaxy. She was green.

She was green, exactly.

But I'm not just green.

Am I? I'm Shrek.

Yes.

Yes, the most beloved green of them all.

Is he?

Yeah, think about what Shrek is.

He's an outsider that refuses to assimilate, steals a royal, and marries

He's basically Meghan Markle.

But everyone still loves him.

I guess.

Trust me.

Let's give it a go, shall we? All right, quiet on set.

And action.

Martin.

Shaken, not stirred.

Cut! Okay, love that, love that, love that. My only note is way more Shrek.

But I thought I was James Bond.

Yes, and no, you're on Shitty Gato who's playing Shrek, who's playing the new

James Bond. It's all very logical. It should be like, Martini, shaken, not

stirred.

Shake and not stir. No, no, let's try... Martini!

Shake and not stir!

Better out than in, I always say.

Martini! Shake and not stir!

Better out than in, I always say.

Do you care about being the first black checker?

Because it doesn't seem like you care?

Let's try... What are you doing in my casino?

What are you doing in my casino?

Stay with me here. People are in your casino and you're asking them, what are

you doing in my casino?

What are you doing in my casino?

Kurt, you're not getting it. Because it doesn't make sense to put Shrek in the

James Bond world.

You're not just putting Shrek in the James Bond world. Bring in M, the head

MI6.

I've got a new assignment for you, 007.

We believe he's a puppet for a much larger operation.

I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

I'm here to take you down, Mr. Bond.

With my Spanish boots, we're in touch.

Now, now.

Por favor.

Now we're cooking.

Don't do the voice.

Really sorry, man.

This gadget makes waft. Right, I quit.

If this is what it takes to be the first black James Bond, then I'm out.

Shit.

Okay, our last option.

The only black person that's allowed to fully be themselves in mainstream media.

Coming soon.

Alison Hammond is James Bond.

Once again, Holly Humberstone.

You feel so alone, alone, alone, alone.

Play it that song, DJ. I just want a straight.

straight

So I said to him, I said, Stuart, I'm not going to that scene for you. It

like shit.

100%, my love.

Are you sure we should be letting our girls do that?

Mary, the dancing.

Oh, no, not this again.

I know you think it's silly, but the curse.

Oh, come off it, Beth.

You know that curse is a load of bollocks.

Mum, come and be in the dance.

Me? Oh, no.

You don't want my crispy old disgusting arse in your top top.

Be right there.

Don't, Mary!

Come on then. Come on then, move over.

Okay,

mum's still got it.

Oh my God.

Oh God.

Oh Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ, no. No. No.

It's happening, isn't it? Good God!

What's happening?

Darling, you're going to have to be really brave for mummy.

Mummy's going to be fine.

Mary, Mary, she deserves to know. Listen, girls, your mothers, us, were

by a witch. Evil. She caught us doing pre -marital erotic grinding on boys at

the inaugural Boomtown Festival in 2009.

She said, if we ever popped our pussies again...

We popped them until...

This kind of stuff.

In September!