Original subtitles

Life's too short.

You've got to follow your dreams now or it might be too late.

What are you doing?

Lucinda, would you do me the greatest honour...

..of being my wife?

Well, what did you say?

I was like, "No fucking way, Neil.

"I've known you for less than a year, you freak."

Can you be quiet, please, Lucinda?

I need you to focus.

My drag show is in four hours,

and you're not going to know what to do in the show

if you keep chatting!

Mam, are you all good with the sound cues?

About that...

..I'm not gonna be able to make the show, Dickie.

What could you possibly be doing that's more important than my show?

It's that flippin' speed camera.

They're making me do a speed awareness course and it clashes.

What the hell am I going to do for a techie?

'Ere, let me text Mel.

She's good with lesbian stuff like that.

DICKIE SIGHS And what about the end of the show?

You're all meant to be lifting me up for

my big show-stopping finale number!

Why don't Sal, Lucinda and me lift you up together?

I went to the gym last Tuesday.

Don't be so ridiculous, Stewart.

Your pathetic withery arms will never be able to lift me

above your head.

You need to calm down, hon.

You're not performing at the Palladium, for God's sake.

Well, I never will if I adopt your lazy attitude, Lucinda!

Fear not, Dickie chicky.

The course only lasts an hour so I should be able to shoot back

and make the end of the show.

Why are you getting so aggy about it, Dickster?

It's just a show.

It's not just a show, Sal, you silly knobhead!

Besides, I've emailed a few talent agents and invited them along,

so it needs to go well.

Ooh! Ooh, that's exciting! Have any replied?

Well, you could say that.

What does that mean?

Well, ah, I've had a few...

..out-of-office replies.

Right, let's go again from the top, please.

Come on.

First positions, everyone.

Ahhh!

MUSIC: Supermodel by Ted Griggs

What's it looking like out there, Sal?

It's filling up, babe. Looks like you'll have a good crowd.

Hey, can you see any agents?

It's...it's hard to tell.

Is Mel here yet?

Yeah, she's setting up your sound desk out front.

She'd better not fuck this up for me, Sal!

I'll pass on the message that you really appreciate her time.

Oh, by the way, Lucinda, I've asked Neil to come and help out today.

I hope you don't mind.

You could've told me first, Dickie. I'm still not talking to him.

I'm sure you'll cope, babe.

Eee, I bloody miss acting in the theatre.

I didn't know you used to be an actor, Mam.

Yes, chick.

Chekhov, Pinter, Zoopla - I've done the lot.

Monologues coming out me arse.

I'd love to hear one of your monologues.

Can you remember any?

Oh, it's been such a long time!

Oh, no worries. That makes sense.

AFFECTS SOUTHERN US ACCENT: June 15th, 1856.

SLOW ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

Wilbur went to gather eggs in the barn,

and when he walked back in,

he was crying.

I said, "What on God's green earth is the matter, Wilbur?"

He pointed at the window.

I looked out.

It was raining!

Raining for the first time in 15 years!

Wilbur was crying with joy at the fact the crops could

finally have a chance for life.

MAM SIGHS

Oh, beautiful performance, Mam. Wow, Mam, that was amazing.

Absolutely exceptional. It's beautiful.

Oh, friggin' hell. Better get going - I've got to go

to this friggin' speed awareness course.

Oh, promise me you'll be back in time for the finale.

You've got to lift me up, remember.

Course, chick. Ta-ra!

Ta-ra. Bye, Mam. See you later.

Hiya, Dickie. Listen, thanks so much for stepping in last minute.

Absolutely no probs, babes.

Luckily I had a small window in my schedule.

Yeah, bloody Cliff Richard impersonator cancelled on us.

Anyway, I think they're all in now, so, ah, whenever you're ready.

I'm ready.

Eee, you said that with some determination.

I'm ready.

Ladies and gentlemen,

and all those in between,

please put your hands together for Dickie.

MUSIC: Pachelbel's Canon

Yes, it's me, Dickie.

And I'm finally getting married.

And not just to anyone.

I'm getting married to a duke!

# I'm getting married

# I'm getting married to a duke. #

To who?

To a duke!

Oh!

Oh, and look - my bridesmaids are here,

and they're telling me how beautiful I look.

You look beautiful. Very nice, yeah.

They won't upstage me, though,

because they're disgusting.

# I'm getting married

# I'm getting married to a duke. #

To who?

To a duke!

Oh.

# He'll bring me flowers in the morning

# He'll kiss my cheek without prewarning

# And then we'll fuck... #

TUTTING

# We will dance in the rain

# He'll make me feel...insane! #

Aargh!

SHOCKED GASPS

# I am getting married

# I'm getting married to a duke... #

Sorry, chick.

Am I in the right place for the speed awareness course?

You are, aye. Take a seat.

Eee, what are you doing 'ere?

Well... Don't give a shit.

Right, howay then, settle down.

Welcome to the speed awareness course.

My name's Vanessa Yaris, and over the next couple of hours

I will be attempting to help yous all pass the course.

Failure to pass means you'll have your driving licence

taken off you, and if you've brought a vehicle with you here today,

I will be clamping the fucking thing.

So...you better pass!

Ah, sorry, chick, did you just say "the next couple of hours"?

I thought this course was supposed to be 60 minutes.

Well, it would be 60 minutes if you were to speed through

at 90 mile per hour.

But I think you'll find I'm more of a 30-mile-an-hour kind of bitch.

Right, first things first.

Do any of yous own a Toyota Yaris?

I, ah, I used to have one but I sold it last year.

Why on earth would you do that?

I'm sorry I'm late. I was so scared to get caught speeding again

that I ended up driving ten mile an hour the whole way here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Where d'you think you're off to?

Ah... Something's come up.

Well, FYI, it's an automatic fail if you leave.

And that means no more driving for you for the next year.

Thought so.

Let me take you back to chapter one.

My childhood...

GLISSANDO HARP SOUND EFFECT

When I was young, I was a skinny pauper boy

living on the streets of Middlesbrough,

and my best friend was a small, weird rat.

Oh, Ratty, I love hanging around with you

because, no matter how much of a dirty street boy I am,

I know that I could never be as repulsive as you.

You're right, Dickie.

I'm a grotesque, ugly rat,

who shits himself on an hourly basis.

Hey, I've got an idea!

Let's be blood brothers!

Ow! Ow, ow! Ah!

And then we drank each other's blood,

and I got a horrendous rat disease.

STEWART GAGS

I just don't get why it's always at least half an hour late...

Why are you so desperate to see that weirdo's shitshow anyway?

Because...

..I'm trying to develop a friendship with him.

Plus he mentioned he's got an actor playing me in the show

and I want to see who he's got.

Ha! There it is - the truth comes out.

It's actually all about you. Oh, come on!

Let's just go in.

I couldn't think of anything worse than watching

that absolute loser's show in an old folks' home, babe!

Yeah, go on.

I'll wait in the car.

Well, suit yourself.

Oh, my God, I'm absolutely buzzing!

They can't get enough of me out there.

Did you see that guy in the front row?

He was proper dancing along.

He was actually having a seizure, Dickie.

They had to wheel him out.

Did anyone see any agents?

I was trying to have a look, but it's hard when you're in the zone.

Do you know what I mean?

Eee, maybe.

I was also in the zone, so I didn't really notice.

I suppose there was people there that could have been agents

when they were younger. Yeah.

You know, it's true what they say, isn't it?

There really is no business like show business.

Oi!

How long are you lot going to be in here?

I can't hear myself think.

Hiya, Dickie.

Oh, thank Christ you're here, Gary.

Did you get the script I sent you?

I did, yeah. I was hoping there'd be time for us to sit down together,

possibly go through a few changes.

Afraid not, babes.

I don't know why you'd want to change anything anyway.

It's the story of MY life.

It's just a few things my character says that I don't really agree with.

Oh, get a hold of yourself, Gary. It's called acting.

Eh, sorry, Dickie, erm, I was under the impression

it was just going to be, like, a 20-minute drag show,

not an autobiographical musical,

and the residents are due their afternoon cheese and crackers.

So if you could just speed things up a bit, kid,

I'd really appreciate that.

Thank you.

Did you hear that?

They're gagging for me to get back onstage!

Right, come on, then, you lot.

The show must go on.

DICKIE CHUCKLES

Want to watch the show, Beryl?

No, not for me.

I can't stand drag queens.

Fruity twats.

Fair enough, babe.

Broom-broom!

This is the steering wheel of truth,

and when you're holding it, I want the honest truth

from all of yous about why you chose to speed.

OK. Erm, well, my name is Paula.

I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone.

Oh, and where did you need to be so urgently?

No, no, I just hadn't realised it was a 20.

You see, I've just moved back to the area,

and when I lived here before, it was 30.

I don't need your entire life story, Lewis Hamilton.

Pass the steering wheel of truth on, please.

My name is Mam.

And what is your truth, Mam?

I don't think you can handle my truth.

Oh, I think I'll be OK.

All right.

The truth is, I have struggled every day for the past 15 years

because the mother of my child decided to take my son away from me!

Right.

And what speed were you doing?

Well, my truth is that the husband I loved had been lying to me

about who he was for our entire marriage.

May I remind the group how extremely difficult it was

to come out back then?

All I wanted was acceptance, and all I got was rejection!

I'd like to remind the group that rejection comes in many forms,

and being suddenly told that your husband of ten years

has never actually found you sexually attractive

can feel pretty damn rejecting!

Oh! Fucking hell!

What the fuck was that?!

It's called hazard perception, mate.

Today it was just a ball.

Tomorrow...

..it could be a child.

Chapter Five - Coming Out.

You know, guys, not a lot of people know this about me because

I'm such a confident, horny guy,

but coming out to my family was hard.

There was one family member in particular who just couldn't

deal with my homosexuality.

Uncle Gary.

I loved Uncle Gary, but he hated the gays.

One day I thought, "You know what? Fuck it.

"I'm going to come out to him."

HARP GLISSANDO EFFECT

Hey, Uncle Gary.

Hello, Dickie.

I hate all homosexuals.

And on another note, I was just in the area and thought I'd pop in

and see if you fancied coming to watch a game

at the pub this weekend.

What do you mean by "game"? Croquet?

No, mate.

The footy.

Ooh!

Oh, that.

I guess I'll think about it.

SNORING

Anyway, I've got to tell you something.

I'm gay!

Right.

Well, in that case, I don't want anything to do with you, you...

..massive willy woofter!

So there I was,

cast out by my uncle, hoist by my own petard.

What was a young virile homosexual to do?

But then suddenly I had a brainwave.

I had to go straight.

Oh, God, if I was straight, maybe...

..maybe Uncle Gary would finally accept me.

So...you been keeping well?

I'd prefer it if we didn't talk.

Right.

No problem.

I don't even know what you want from me.

I thought you didn't want to talk. I don't.

I don't get why you're here.

I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone.

Not here!

Here.

Look, I just needed to tell you that I'm sorry.

And what is it you're specifically sorry for?

Forcing all my friends to disown me?

Or the fact you called me a disgusting pervert

right in the middle of Sainsbury's?

Or simply the fact you took my son away and moved

to Bury St fucking Edmonds?!

I didn't know how to cope with it.

I mean, I'd never met a gay person before.

You met Dale Winton at the stage door of his panto.

It wasn't easy for me either.

I loved you, and you'd been lying to me.

Oh, it wasn't as simple as that.

Really?

It... Mm.

I...

It was a weird time.

I didn't know who I was.

I didn't even know what I was.

And so, yes, I...

..I lied about certain things, and for that I'm sorry.

But one thing I didn't lie about

was the love I had for you.

I frigging loved you, Paula.

And I loved...

I still love our son.

I never wanted Ed to be without his dad.

I was just trying to protect him.

Protect him from what?

The scary big wig? The evil eyeliner?

The terrifying tits?

For one, from the bullies at his school who tormented him

when they found out about you.

He was bullied?

You didn't know that, did you?

I thought I was doing the right thing at the time,

for Ed and for me.

But I wasn't.

It was wrong,

and I'm really, really sorry.

Ow!

Hazard perception, mate!

How do I do it, you guys?

I can't be straight.

I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy.

LOUDER: I'm gut-wrenching little gay boy.

Mel! That's your cue.

TENSE STRING MUSIC

# How do I become the man

# Uncle Gary wants me to be?

# How do I do it?

# What do I do to do it? Ah! #

Come on, Dickie.

You've been in the closet before.

It's time to climb back in.

If I want to become straight,

I'm going to have to start dressing like these straight guys.

But what sort of things do they wear?

Wait, I got it!

# Bootcut jeans!

# I remember bootcut jeans! #

Oh, you guys, well, I think I got the heterosexual attire right.

What sort of things do these straight guys say?

Oh, come on, Dickie.

Think!

Wait, I've got it.

# She's fit

# That lass over there is fit

# I like her bum and her boobs and her mascara... #

Guys, I don't want to jinx it, but...

I think I'm straight!

# Lock up your daughters

# I'm coming for your daughters

# Give me your daughters! #

SPARSE APPLAUSE

Right, it's the interval now, so...

Quick, get this jacket on me, Sal.

I've had to get Stewart to do his shit tap routine.

He's probably sucking the energy out of the room.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go for it! Go on, Ratty!

Go on, my son!

Where the hell's Neil?

Oh, thank Christ. What time do you call this, Neil?

Sorry, Dickie.

Weirdly, a couple of cats started attacking me on the way here.

One of them took my shoe.

I haven't got time for your excuses, Neil.

Here. This is the script.

You're playing the role of Harrison.

I've got a couple of scenes to do beforehand,

so familiarise yourself with it, please.

Sal, I need you to get hold of Mam

and find out how long she's going to be.

Aye-aye, captain.

Remember, Neil, don't be shit.

WHISPERS: Good note.

Right, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Hmm?

Bad news is, I've got cystitis...again.

And the good news is, it's the end of the course and you've all passed.

Fucking get in!

Except for you.

What? Why me?

Only people who appreciate what a solid hatchback

can do should be allowed to drive.

You sold your Yaris.

Clearly, you're not right in the fucking head.

Laters.

Hey, you fucking moron. Hey, you fucking moron.

Hey, you, fucking moron.

HE VOCALISES

HE STRAINS

HE LIP-TRILLS

Oh...

I heard you might be about. Lucinda, I'm so glad to see you.

I've got something to show you.

What is it, Neil? Another tattoo of some other girl's name?

Well... Are you kidding me?

Oh, no, look.

Coriander? No, it's meant to say Lucinda.

I suppose I can sort of see that.

Heh-heh!

Ooh!

Well, are you going to kiss or not?

Chapter 17 - Heartbreak.

I guess you're all wondering who it was that broke my heart.

Well, his name...was Harrison.

Everyone used to say that Harrison was punching above his weight

with me, which I thought was cruel, albeit true.

Hello, Harrison, my love.

Oh, hi...you fucking moron!

I know I said I loved you and you were the fittest person

that I've ever seen,

but I'm dropping you like a sack of shit!

No, no, don't do this!

Think about the life we've built together!

Get to fuck.

HE SPITS

I'm sick of being the ugly one in this relationship.

Oh! I can't help my beauty.

'Ere! That's not how it happened!

I've literally just come out, Sal, chick.

I'm sprinting all the way now.

OK, see you in a bit.

The absolute bell-end!

Need a lift?

No, I... I'll manage, thanks.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hi, chick.

Where the hell are you? We're nearly at the finale.

I've had to put Stewart back on to fill time.

We need your strong arms for the ending.

Mam? Mam?!

I'm not one to judge, babe, but you have missed a couple of my cues.

I'm trying my hardest, mate,

but your cue sheet isn't the easiest thing to follow.

Excuses, excuses.

Er... Oh...

I see the way you drive hasn't changed after all these years.

Hoo!

Listen...

Before you shoot off, I wanted to give you something.

He's a proper adult now and everything.

Thanks for the lift.

I know those are my earrings, by the way.

Fine to keep them.

Oh!

My wedding to the duke is finally here.

"But who is the duke?" I hear you all cry.

Oh, here he is now.

Who is the duke?

The duke...is me,

because the person I've grown to love...

is myself.

That's right, boys,

Dickie's back.

Dickie never even left.

Hey, you guys, you want to know a secret?

Yeah! Yeah!

I had an epiphany today.

What was your epiphany, Dickie?

Ha! You really want to know my epiphany?

BOTH: Yeah!

Coo-ee!

Oh, it's you.

All right, Arabella? What are you doing here?

Oh, just picking up Mel.

We've got a hot date tonight.

Right.

SHE EXHALES DEEPLY

Probably going to be a real steamy sesh tonight,

if you...catch my drift.

That's great to hear, babe.

OK, I'll tell you.

My epiphany was...

that I don't need no man.

You want to know why?

# Cos I'm in love with myself... #

BIG-BAND JAZZ PLAYS

You know, I wasn't sure how to tell you this,

but Mel isn't into weird mole creatures,

so I'd give up now if I were you.

Are you taking the piss?

No, babe.

I'm not taking the piss.

Read my lips.

She's. Not. Going. To. Fuck. You.

Howay, then, dickhead, let's go!

Come 'ere!

Get your filthy hands off me!

You daft Made In Chelsea cow!

Lift me higher, boys!

GROWLS: Higher, for fuck's sake.

We're trying.

You're too heavy.

What are you trying to say, Lucinda?

Let the whole world see that I don't need a man,

cos I got me.

# I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love... #

You stupid cow!

# I'm in love with myself! #

Oh! Ooh! Ah!

Fucking hell!

She is a fucking liability. I'm not joking, babe.

The sooner we leave this shithole town, the better.

MOUTHS: You OK?

What a show!

HE CHUCKLES

Listen, I was wondering if you had representation.

That was the whole point of today, but nobody showed up.

Ah. The name's Shingles -

Barry Shingles from Shingles Associates.

I'd like to buy you a coffee and have a chat about representing you.

No way! Barry, come on.

You're overdue your meds.

But he's got a business card and everything.

It's a cheese slice, mate.

Ugh! The name's Shingles -

Barry Shingles from Shingles Associates.

Barry, that's the water cooler, mate.

No, no, he's the next big thing, I tell you.

Well done, Dickie.

It was...

Well, it...it was different.

Cheers, babes.

'Ere, what are you doing now?

Can I buy you a quick drink at the pub across the road to say congrats?

Suppose I could have half a sherry.

What are you still doing in here? It finished ages ago.

Howay.

Actually, I'm going to get Dickie a quick drink at the pub.

HE LAUGHS

Er, no, you're not.

Er, yeah, I am.

Fuck this.

Eee, congrats on your tap routine today, hon.

They bloody loved it.

You practically stole the show.

Lucinda! I'm sat right here.

What's that, Mam?

Ah, it's a photo of Ed.

Who the fuck's Ed? He's my son.

He's all grown-up.

It was given to me by Paula.

Let us see, Mam. Let's have a look.

Oh, Mam.

Aw!

Aw!

My God, he's fit as fuck, him, like.

GENTLY: Aw...