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It was that time of year again -
Mr Teesside beauty pageant,
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a competition based on beauty,
talent and bulges.
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Every town in the Tees Valley
was eligible,
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00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:19,960
and every man and his dog wanted
that cash prize - 20,000 big ones.
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And the men of Teesside will
do anything,
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and I mean anything,
to win that title.
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Fuck's sake.
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You wanted to see me?
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You took your tiiiiime!
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I couldn't remember where
I put my favourite trilby.
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Take a seat!
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CAT SCREECHES
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What's Mr Teesside?
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Only the biggest...
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SHE GASPS
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..competition...in the
Tees...Valley.
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SHE CHUCKLES
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Right. And what's that
got to do with me?
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THIS is my master plan, Bobby.
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I've been working on this
for a number of years,
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and I've finally figured out
the formula.
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LAUGHTER ECHOES
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Formula for what?
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The formula to win...
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..MR TEESSIDE!
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SHE CACKLES
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Right.
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SHE MUMBLES
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Dumb twink.
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Let me introduce you to one of the
finalists of Mr Teesside,
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representing my beautiful
home town of Stockton.
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Looks like he's not going to make
it to the competition!
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NAN CACKLES
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So that's where you come in, Bobby.
But why me?
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I'm not even from Teesside.
I'm from South Shields.
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Not any more!
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Listen very closely...
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Can I just stop you?
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I'm sorry to interrupt,
but is this all true?
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What are you on about?
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Well, it just feels a bit
far-fetched, and overly stylised.
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I'm, er, trying to create
a bit of drama for you, babe.
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I know you tabloid people love
a bit of sensationalism.
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Well, we're not really about that
here at the Northeast Journal.
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Our readers appreciate the truth.
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So, what I'm more interested in is
what happened at the competition
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itself and, more importantly,
the cheating scandal that occurred.
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Well, in that case,
I'll start at the very beginning.
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It's a very good place to start,
chick.
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I remember it like it was
yesterday.
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I still couldn't believe
that Stewart,
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the human embodiment
of a perverted rat,
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had made it to the final
of Mr Teesside.
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I still can't believe that Stewart,
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the human embodiment of a perverted
rat, has made it to the final
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of Mr Teesside. Oi!
Stop being such a bitter old queen.
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Just because you didn't get chosen.
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Mam? Do you think we'll make it
on time?
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I got an email saying they'll deduct
points if we're late.
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I'm going as fast as I can, chick.
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Oh, stay still, Stewart.
This stubble's going everywhere!
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I can't help it.
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Why do I need stubble?
Listen, hon.
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I've been to Mr Teesside every year
for a decade, so I know what
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makes a winner, and as lovely
as your smooth, baby-faced skin is,
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I know for a fact that those
horny judges love a bit of rough.
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I've got all your outfits
in that suitcase
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so I'll come backstage
and help you change.
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Oh, thanks, Lucinda.
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You really don't need to do
all this for me.
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I'm not going to lie, hon.
I'm actually doing it for all of us.
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If you win Mr Teesside,
you'll be able to get us
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into every VIP area
in the Tees Valley.
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Oh, you're joking, aren't you?!
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What's the matter?
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That frigging speed camera has
just flashed at me!
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I think it's the wrong one! AHHHH!
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Fucking hell. I shit myself.
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Are you OK, Sal?
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I'm sorry, lads.
I must have been dreaming.
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'Ere, how are we getting on, Mam?
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I told Mel I'd meet her
half an hour ago.
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We're supposed to be onstage now.
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We're just round the corner, chick.
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Eee, God.
I'm proper shitting meself.
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LUCINDA: You'll be amazing, hon.
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I was profoundly grateful
when we arrived at the venue,
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as the stench of Stewart's
desperation had contaminated
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the air inside the ice-cream van.
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Come on, you lot, in you go.
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Isn't that Nan?
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What's that haggard old
wench doing here?!
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I don't know,
but she's looking proper shifty.
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00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:04,560
I think she's with
the Mr Stockton finalist.
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He looks familiar.
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Why was Nan acting so suspicious?
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Who was that bald, muscly twink?
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I had to investigate,
and I instantly knew who to call.
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This was a job...
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..for Detective Sexy.
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I mean, you definitely weren't that
quick getting into that costume.
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Did I interrupt you?!
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You haven't let anyone else talk!
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Uh! Nya-nya-nya! Nurgh! I'm blind!
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Sorry about this.
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The smell of beer-saturated carpets
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and excited menopausal women
could mean only one thing -
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Mr Teesside.
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There was something really
slippery about Mr Stockton
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and I just had to find out
who he was.
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WOLF-WHISTLING
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That's the only thing with
calling on Detective Sexy.
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No matter how hard
she tries to stay undercover...
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Now we're talking!
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..the straight lads
can't get enough.
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Um, I don't remember that happening,
actually, Dickie.
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Yeah, well, I don't remember
you happening, Stewart! What? What?
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Look, I haven't got a lot of time.
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Maybe I could just get a brief
summary from someone else.
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How about you?
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I'll start at the very beginning.
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It's a pretty good place
to start, chick.
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We were on the way to the
Mr Teesside beauty pageant.
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I could not believe I'd been
picked to represent Boro.
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It seemed like a lifetime ago that
I'd submitted my audition video,
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where I tap-danced to Meghan
Trainor's All About That Bass
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to Middlesbrough Council.
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And now, here we were on the way
to the final!
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Mam? Do you think we're going to
make it on time?
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I got an email saying they'll deduct
points if we're late.
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I'm going as fast as I can, chick!
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Oh, stay still, Stewart.
This stubble's going everywhere!
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Oh, you're joking, aren't you?!
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I think it's the wrong one! AHHHH!
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Come on, you lot, in you go.
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It was magical inside.
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People had gathered
from all over the Tees Valley.
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Some had even come all
the way from Hartlepool.
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You're late, Mr Middlesbrough.
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There'll be a point deducted for
that. Come with me.
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This is your station.
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We're starting soon,
so get ready to go on.
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The six contestants from the
Tees Valley that had made it
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to the final were getting
ready backstage.
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Just as I thought. What?
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It's Nadia on the judging
panel again.
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She never misses a year.
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She's the one you've got to impress,
Stewart.
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She has the most influence,
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and she's the one who likes
'em rough and ready, and hairy.
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Well, I've got my stubble on.
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We're going to need more
than stubble.
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More?
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I know for a fact
she loves a hairy chest.
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Get this on.
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OK. Yes!
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Here we go.
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Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
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Not this tattooed tit.
Oh, hi, guys.
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Didn't realise you were in the
final, Stewart. Congrats.
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You too, Neil.
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OK, well, er,
better go to my station,
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get ready for the first round.
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Fuck's sake. I'm starting to find it
a bit weird,
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you bringing this costume
everywhere you go, hon.
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Listen, there's something
unsavoury going on,
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and I'm not talking
about Stewart's aftershave.
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What are you on about?
That bald lad over there,
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Mr Stockton.
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He arrived with Nan, they were
being all suspicious.
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If he does anything out of the
ordinary, let me know.
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Mmm? Okey dokey, hon. Mmm?! OK.
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CRASH!
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AHHHH!
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Oh.
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You all right, chick?
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What happened, Sal?
Fell back off my chair, Stew.
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You OK, hon?
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Oh, aye.
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Why don't you tell us what you
remember about the competition?
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All right, babe.
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I suppose it's best that
I start at the very beginning.
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It's not such a bad place
to start, chick.
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So, which colour wire
do I cut, like?
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ON RADIO: Try the green one, babe!
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There's isn't a green one.
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ON RADIO: Hmm, I'd go yellow.
What would you do, Stewart?
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ON RADIO: Don't ask me,
I'm colour-blind.
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Ten seconds left.
Lucinda, help me out.
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ON RADIO: Cut the red, hon.
Are you sure?
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Never been more sure of anything.
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ALARM BLARES
I think it's the wrong one! AHHHH!
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Fucking hell.
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You OK, Sal? Listen.
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I don't mean to be rude,
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but I don't need to know what
sodding dreams you've had.
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Not even the sex dream involving
Hillary Clinton and Keir Starmer?
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00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,680
Why don't I take over, hon?
I've the memory of an elephant.
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Go ahead.
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I'll start at the very beginning.
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It's a bountiful place to start,
chick.
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00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,240
I think I've got a good
idea of what...
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00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,920
I was buzzing when Stewart told me
he made it through
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00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:07,520
to the final of Mr Teesside.
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00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:11,800
I felt like we had a real advantage,
because I have been to every
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single Mr Teesside that has ever
been, so I knew how to win.
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00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,560
Stay still, Stewart,
this stubble's going everywhere.
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00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,720
Sorry to interrupt, but I've already
heard this detail
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00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,160
and I don't have a lot of time, so
if you don't... Eee, sorry, hon.
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I'll speed up. So, I was applying
Stewart's stubble in the van,
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00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,480
then we arrived at Mr Teesside and
then we got shown backstage and I
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gave Stewart a hairy chest, then
Neil came over, then Dickie showed
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00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,600
up and told us to keep an eye
on Mr Stockton
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00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,600
because he was being suspicious.
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00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,120
BEEPING
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Ooh! Fairy cakes are ready.
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00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,160
Ooh! Mmm.
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00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,280
Anyone fancy a fairy cake?
219
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:44,840
Ooh! Yes, please! I fucking love
cake. For fuck's sake!
220
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,200
We were just about to finally get to
the next part of the fucking story!
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00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,280
Sorry, chick.
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00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:54,120
Listen, why don't I take over
from here?
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00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:55,360
Fine.
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00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,680
But please, just get to the point.
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00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,640
Ooh! Right. I'll
start at the very beginning.
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00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,080
No! Stop starting at the fucking
beginning, you morons!
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00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:11,400
Ooh! Someone doesn't want
a fairy cake. Please...
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00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,840
Please. If you wouldn't mind just
going from the point
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00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,760
of the competition starting.
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00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:20,040
Well, you see, I wanted to be
a sexy detective as well.
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00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,000
Mam! What are you wearing?
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00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,520
Well, I wanted to be a
sexy detective as well.
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00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:42,920
Eh, we could be a sexy detective
duo, like Cagney and Lacey,
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00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,000
or Shakespeare and Hathaway.
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00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:53,840
Good afternoon, everyone,
and welcome to Mr Teesside!
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00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,840
ALL CHEER
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Brought to you by Rock 'Ard
energy products.
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00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:05,400
It's just glorious we can all gather
here annually to celebrate
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00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,240
the talent, brains
240
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:12,440
and anatomies of our wonderful men
from all across the Tees Valley.
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00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,240
So, without further ado,
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00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:19,480
please welcome to the stage your
Mr Teesside finalists!
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00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,080
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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# Mr Teesside
245
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,800
# You're the future
You're the pride
246
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:35,040
# Mr Teesside
247
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,840
# Now you stand here
Side by side
248
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:42,080
# And the gift you leave behind
249
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:48,120
# Is the promise of tomorrow
For our children... #
250
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:56,160
WHISPERS: For our children.
251
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:03,040
LET'S GET FUCKING WILD, LADIES!
252
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,240
CHEERING
253
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:12,240
Please make some noise for
Mr Hartlepool!
254
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,760
CHEERING
255
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,880
Mr Darlington!
256
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,880
CHEERING
257
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,560
Mr Stockton!
258
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,760
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
259
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,120
Mr Middlesbrough!
260
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,120
CHEERING
261
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,400
Boo! Hey!
262
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,920
Come on, ladies! Mr Redcar!
263
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:45,040
Meanwhile, backstage,
I was lint-rolling Stewart's shorts,
264
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,440
ready for the short shorts round,
which was coming up shortly,
265
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,040
when I suddenly remembered what
Dickie said.
266
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,400
That bald lad over there,
267
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,880
Mr Stockton.
268
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,560
He arrived with Nan and they were
being all suspicious.
269
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,840
If he does anything out of the
ordinary, let me know.
270
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,640
Sorry, babes, I'm a bit confused.
271
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,760
Is this a flashback within
a flashback?
272
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,600
Yes, hon. Keep up. Anyway...
273
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,080
I decided this was the perfect
snooping opportunity to
274
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,800
rummage through the bald,
muscly twink's bag.
275
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,720
Who wants some pole dancing?
276
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,800
First up, it's Mr Hartlepool.
277
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,560
MUSIC BLARES, CHEERING
278
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,640
Ooh!
279
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,520
Mr Middlesbrough!
280
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:40,720
ALL CHEER
281
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:51,040
Ugh! He used to be so flexible.
I don't know what's happened to him.
282
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,480
Look what I found! It's Bobby!
283
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,560
I knew I recognised him!
He's not from Stockton, is he?
284
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,520
He's not even from Teesside.
He's from South fucking Shields!
285
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,560
Stewart!
286
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:07,240
We practised this! Get your legs
above your head!
287
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,120
That pole dancing class
was pointless!
288
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,320
He's stiff as a bloody board!
289
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:18,640
Who's ready for some short shorts?
290
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,240
I've got to go and wedge Stewart
into his short shorts.
291
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,760
There was something massively afoot.
292
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:31,040
It was time for Detective Sexy and
Inspector Voluptuous to investigate.
293
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,280
So ridiculous.
294
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:33,440
You what?
295
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,120
I just don't know why you
chose that name.
296
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,800
What's wrong with it?
Don't know, it's just a bit...
297
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,720
It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it?
298
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,960
Oh, yeah, cos Detective Sexy rolls
right off the frigging tongue.
299
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,920
Anyway, I'd just about managed to
squeeze Stewart's
300
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,640
curvaceous Kardashian
arse cheeks into
301
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,000
the smallest shorts I could find.
302
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:55,320
And even though the shorts were
short, the points were massive.
303
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:07,520
There is a clear winner in the
short shorts round, ladies.
304
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:09,160
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
305
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:13,240
Mr Stockton!
306
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,800
FANFARE PLAYS, CHEERING
307
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:27,240
And as is tradition, I will also
announce the longest shorts,
308
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,240
and therefore the pathetic shithead
loser of this round.
309
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,080
And that person is...
310
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,520
..Mr Hartlepool.
311
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,040
BOOING
312
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,360
Long shorts wanker!
313
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,160
Oh! Will we have
this for dinner tonight?
314
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,440
Oh, yeah.
315
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,920
Will we have beans with it as well?
Oh, yeah.
316
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,640
So, it was the talent round next,
317
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,160
and I think this was the moment Nan
was hoping to clinch a win
318
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:59,280
for Mr Stockton, because Bobby has
one of the most beautiful voices.
319
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,360
Fucking hell, Stewart,
why don't you just marry him?
320
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,560
I love you!
321
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,680
All right, ladies.
322
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,720
MUSIC STARTS
323
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:21,480
# When I am down
324
00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:26,720
# And, oh
My soul so weary
325
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:34,280
# When troubles come
And my heart burdened be
326
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,880
# Then I am still
327
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:44,120
# And wait here in silence
328
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:50,880
# Until you come
And stay awhile with me
329
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:56,080
# You raise me up
330
00:18:56,080 --> 00:19:01,160
# So I can stand on mountains... #
331
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,840
OUT OF TUNE:
# ..You raise me up... #
332
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,200
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
333
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,400
# ..To, to all... #
334
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:10,000
BOOING, MUSIC STOPS
335
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,280
Bobby had blown it.
336
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,480
But Nan had other evil
tricks up her sleeve.
337
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,360
She told Nadia that Shirley Ballas
was on the phone to
338
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:29,920
compliment her judging skills.
339
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:36,120
And apparently, that Nadia is
a total slut for compliments.
340
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,520
SHOES TAP, MUSIC STARTS
341
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,840
Oh, I'm going for a piss.
342
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,400
Eee, hang on. Are you seeing
what I'm seeing?
343
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,600
I am, babe.
344
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,600
I've tried telling him before
he's dog-shite at tap dancing,
345
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:13,320
but for some reason
he keeps doing it. No, look.
346
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,000
It's Nan disguised as one
of the judges.
347
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,000
Oh, shit! Be right back.
348
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,880
Hiya, chick. Lads,
349
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,760
Nan's somehow managed to get onto
the judging panel.
350
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,040
You're kidding me!
So that was her plan all along.
351
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,840
She's trying to fix Mr Teesside
so that Bobby wins,
352
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,920
and she can get all the prize money.
353
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,520
Oh, it's lovely, that.
354
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,520
MAM BELCHES
355
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,520
We had all the evidence we needed.
356
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:44,760
It was time for Detective Sexy
357
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:49,760
and Inspector Voluptuous to blow
Mr Teesside wide open.
358
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,640
The talent round was over.
359
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,440
It was now or never.
360
00:20:56,520 --> 00:21:02,520
Ladies, the judges have deliberated
and we have a unanimous decision.
361
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,400
CHEERING
362
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,760
The winner...
363
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,640
..of Mr Teesside is...
364
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:22,120
STOP!
365
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,360
Stop the competition.
366
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:30,800
I hope you'll all
excuse my intrusion,
367
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:35,440
but my name is Detective Sexy,
and whilst you've all been enjoying
368
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:40,520
the show, I've been carrying out
a very extensive investigation
369
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:45,720
into a crime, and the results may
come as a shock to some of you.
370
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:46,840
THEY GASP
371
00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:52,880
You see, not everything
is as it seems.
372
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,640
Somebody on this stage is a fraud!
373
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,520
Fucking hell!
374
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:14,880
In my brassiere I have the
driving licence of Mr Stockton.
375
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,840
Or should I say...
376
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,240
..Mr South Shields!
377
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,240
AUDIENCE GASPS
378
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:20,440
That's right.
379
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,960
Mr Stockton isn't
even from Stockton.
380
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,160
He isn't even from the Tees Valley!
381
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,080
South Shields? What on earth?!
382
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,680
Let me call you by your real name...
383
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:31,800
..Bobby.
384
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:36,200
How did you know?
I'm wearing a bald cap.
385
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:40,720
Hmm. But let's not be too harsh
on Bobby, ladies,
386
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:46,000
because Bobby was merely a puppet
and somebody else's pawn.
387
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:50,960
The real puppet master was operating
under our very noses,
388
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,280
in plain sight.
389
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,600
Yeah, it's Nan. Yeah,
she's right there.
390
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,120
Mam! I was about to do
a whole dramatic thing!
391
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,320
You found me out.
392
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:13,280
Boo-hoo-hoo.
393
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,520
Clever little gay boys.
394
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:22,120
Well, let's see how clever
you are...
395
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:23,800
..now! She's got a gun!
396
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,360
SHE CACKLES
397
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,680
SCREAMING
398
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:39,000
Give...me the 20 grand cash...
399
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,960
..or I'll blow
your bastard balls off.
400
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,240
We haven't got the cash here.
You what?
401
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:48,720
I mean, it's in the bank.
402
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:51,480
In the...
403
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,480
IN THE BANK!
404
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,440
SCREAMING
405
00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,640
What's it doing in the bank?!
406
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,440
What's the matter with yous?
407
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:09,640
You never seen a gun go off before?
You bunch of woke lib-tards.
408
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,520
That didn't happen, did it?
409
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,560
Actually, it did.
410
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:15,880
Yeah.
411
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,520
She got arrested and everything.
412
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,680
I would have gotten away with it
if it wasn't for those pesky gays.
413
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,520
You'll regret this.
414
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,760
YOU'LL ALL REGRET THIS!
415
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,400
Watch your head, son.
Oh, cheers, mate.
416
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,160
Thanks very much.
Really appreciate it.
417
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,000
PHONE RINGTONE
418
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,280
Dickie, is that...
419
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,280
RINGTONE CONTINUES
420
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,800
Yeah, hon. I think it is.
421
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,720
Your gig phone!
422
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,760
Gig phone? What's a gig phone?
423
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,280
His burner phone.
424
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,480
Whenever Dickie gets
booked for a drag show,
425
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:01,240
it comes straight through
to that line.
426
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:04,000
I forgot you had it,
to be honest, chick.
427
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,400
Well, answer it!
428
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:10,280
Hello?
429
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:12,880
Yeah.
430
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:15,560
OK.
431
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:17,720
No, that's, um...
432
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:18,800
Yeah.
433
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,800
Thanks.
434
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,240
Thanks for letting me know.
435
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:23,960
OK. Bye.
436
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,320
Who was that, like? Guys...
437
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:28,720
..I've got a drag gig!
438
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:29,880
THEY CHEER
439
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:34,320
Woohoo! Had you good there!
Had you good!
440
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,680
Oh, Dickie! Stop it!
What a fucking topper!
441
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,760
Woo! Oh, yes! That's great!
442
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:45,560
Fucking hell.
443
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,960
So, when will it be published?
444
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:56,080
I just need to process...it.
445
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,600
So how did you leave it, then?
With this Neil?
446
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:03,720
Well, I haven't actually told
these guys yet, but...
447
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:14,880
Life's too short.
448
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,000
You what, Neil?
449
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,400
That's what I was thinking
when we were about to be shot.
450
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,360
Life's too short.
451
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:24,560
OK, hon.
452
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:28,320
You've got to follow your dreams
now, or it might be too late.
453
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:33,240
So, with that in mind...
454
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,120
What you doing?
455
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:40,240
Lucinda...
456
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:52,560
..would you do me
the greatest honour...
457
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:53,960
..of being my wife?
458
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:02,440
PF-F-FFRT!
459
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,000
Well? What did you say?
460
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,520
# We are Teesside
461
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,280
# We're the future
We're the pride
462
00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:20,840
# We are Teesside
463
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,720
# Now we stand here side by side
464
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:26,200
# We are Teesside
465
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,960
# Now we hold our heads up high
466
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:33,240
# And the gift we leave behind
467
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:37,120
# Is the promise of tomorrow
468
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:39,160
# For our children. #
53397
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