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Nipple Aid - a charity
football match.
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00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,120
Semi-professionals
versus celebrities.
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00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,040
The celebrities include Cher,
Prince Harry,
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00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:10,200
Liza Minelli, Elton John
5
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,920
and Stevie Wonder.
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00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:13,640
QUIETLY: They're lookalikes.
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00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:15,240
Be there.
8
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:18,000
# When I grow up
Imma be a supermodel... #
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00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:24,160
This programme contains strong
language
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00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:31,120
Ooh, I love the ripe stench
of a football ground.
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Sniff it in. Mmm!
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00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:39,280
Smells a bit funky, Mam.
Oh, beautiful, isn't it?
13
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:42,040
Reminds me of my days
managing in the big leagues.
14
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,520
Oh, God, I miss it.
15
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,320
You're managing a team today,
though.
16
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,920
I know, chick, but managing
celebrity lookalikes
17
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,000
in a charity match,
it's hardly the Riverside Stadium.
18
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:53,320
Oh, dear.
19
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,800
# We're number one
and we're the team
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00:00:56,800 --> 00:01:00,800
# The greatest thing
you've ever seen. #
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What the bloody hell
have you two come as?
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00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:07,600
I'm glad you've asked, Mam,
as it's a fascinating story.
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00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,640
So remember when we all went
to Yarm Fair last year? Oh, yeah.
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00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,160
Well, me and Lucinda popped
and got our fortunes read.
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00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,680
Yeah, and she told us both
separately that we were going to
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00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,440
marry a footballer and become wags.
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00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:19,040
'Ere, was it Gypsy Rose Pam?
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00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:20,720
That's her. Oh, my God, yeah.
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I love that bitch.
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She actually told me the same thing.
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Eee, no way!
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I can't believe there's going to be
three wags in our friendship group.
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00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,880
Have you maybe thought that she
tells the same shit to everyone?
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00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,520
Gypsy Rose Pam wouldn't do that.
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00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:38,640
Anyway, as you know, we don't
frequent football matches very much,
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so there's a very good chance
this is the day we meet
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our footballer husbands.
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00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,720
Ooh! So we thought,
best dress for the occasion.
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00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:49,440
Yeah, and this outfit is also
very good for my
40
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,560
signature picking up lads move.
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00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,000
Oh, yeah? What move is that?
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I'll show you.
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You place a brick near the lad
you fancy.
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00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:00,400
And then ...
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00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,440
Ah! Ah!
46
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,800
Ah! Ouchie!
47
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,680
Who put that brick there?
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00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,080
And then the lad'll help you up,
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00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,520
and it starts a conversation about
the brick. Mm...
50
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:17,160
Oh! Stewart's here!
51
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:18,760
Hiya. You all right?
52
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,440
Oh, he's looking a bit
better than usual.
53
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,560
Has he had a bit of Botox?
54
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:23,800
Argh!
55
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,040
What's with the stomach-churning
costume, Stew?
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00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:30,040
Well, I'm Ozzy the Octopus!
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00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,160
Ho-ho-ho-ho! He's
the mascot for the charity match.
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00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,320
I pulled a few strings to
get him in.
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It's something I've
always wanted to do.
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00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,880
I'm proper buzzing!
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WHISTLING
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Now then, Mam.
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00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:45,080
Ooh, Owen, chick! Mwah, mwah!
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00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,400
# Baby, it's true
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00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:51,840
# You're the one that I've been here
waiting for
66
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,240
# Cos you know it... #
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00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,040
So good to see you. Oh, you, too.
Am I going to see you
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00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,520
in the players' lounge later, yeah?
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00:02:58,520 --> 00:02:59,840
Absolutely, chick.
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00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:01,640
Class. In a bit.
Yeah, in a bit.
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00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,240
Watch that brick, will you?
72
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,320
Um, who was that, Mam?
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00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,080
That was Owen Shenington.
74
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,320
Oh, he's a very talented player.
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00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,880
Very sturdy thighs.
76
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,240
Adam's apple out to here.
77
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,200
He's playing for
the semi-pros today.
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00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,640
Gypsy Rose Pam was right.
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00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:20,200
It was love at first sight.
80
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,560
Dickie Shenington.
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00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,600
Eee, it's got a ring to it!
82
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:29,560
Um, this is a bit awkward, hon,
but I think that one was for me.
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00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,320
What? Um ...
84
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:34,640
Sorry, I think you're mistaken,
Lucinda.
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00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,120
He was very much looking at me.
86
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:38,640
Want to bet?
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00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,160
Yeah, I do, actually.
88
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:41,920
Tenner says he's
the love of my life.
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00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,680
Make it 20. Make it 50, bitch.
Deal! Deal!
90
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,920
Hola, Mam. Hola, Pablo!
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00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:58,640
THEY SPEAK SPANISH:
92
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:10,040
Er, Mam?
93
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,240
Who was that?
94
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,440
Pablo Corzello.
95
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,680
Lovely Spanish fella.
Very good in defence.
96
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,360
What are yous all staring at?
97
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,160
I don't know how to tell you
this, babe,
98
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:25,040
but you and Pablo Corzello
are the spit of each other.
99
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:29,000
Eee, now you come to mention it,
there is a bit of a similarity.
100
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,800
A bit?!
101
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,880
Haway, then. Let's go to
the players' lounge.
102
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,520
Your mother needs a sherry.
103
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,760
Yay! Yay!
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00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,160
Oh, me brick.
105
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:52,840
All right, Mam?
106
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,960
Hiya, chick. How are you getting on?
Are you still with Kelly?
107
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,640
She dumped me. Oh, fuck her.
It's her loss.
108
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,000
Sorry, hon. We're just with her.
109
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,080
Only people involved in
the charity match are allowed
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00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,480
in the lounge today.
111
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:09,840
Oh, er, we are
involved in the charity match.
112
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,240
Oh, apologies.
113
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,400
So how is it exactly that
you're involved?
114
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:18,240
Um... Well, er, I'm actually
the spouse of one of the players.
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00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:19,520
You probably know him.
116
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,400
Er, Owen Shenington.
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00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,400
I'm... I'm Dickie Shenington.
118
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,000
Oh, aye?
So what position does he play?
119
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,840
Come again? Well, if you know Owen
so well you'll be able to tell me
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00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,000
what position he is.
121
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,560
Yeah. Um...
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00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:37,600
Versatile?
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00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:40,880
Lads, I don't think
we're getting in here.
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00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,920
Let's just go to the bar
in the stands.
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00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,560
I'm gagging for a bev.
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00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:48,040
I'm not missing my chance to become
Teesside's number one wag, hon.
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00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,360
You do you, babe.
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00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,760
SOUTHERN ENGLISH ACCENT: Listen,
I get that you don't want to
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00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,360
let scum like that in,
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00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,920
but I'm a classy girl.
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00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,960
I recently got back from...
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00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,040
..Balmoral.
133
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,520
Not today, love.
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00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,160
Haway, dickhead.
135
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:13,880
Welcome, charity match fans.
136
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,760
My name's Jeff Stelling.
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00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,560
I'm here with the incomparable
Chris Kamara
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00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,680
and the unsurpassable
Steph McGovern.
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00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,960
We're down here live at pitch-side
for this year's charity game
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00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,320
in support of Nipple Aid.
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00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,040
That's right. Your donations
will help people
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00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,240
across the globe who are born
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00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:32,600
with extra nipples.
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00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,000
A charity close to my heart -
literally.
145
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:39,880
I have a third nipple just here.
146
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,480
Kammy, how many nipples have
you got?
147
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,120
Just the one, Jeff!
148
00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,880
Nipple Aid - not everyone has two.
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00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,360
Ooh, hiya, chick.
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00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,920
Where are you all at?
There is a lovely spread on in 'ere.
151
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:56,440
Mam! This jobsworth on the door
isn't letting us into the lounge.
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00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:57,600
Is Owen in there?
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00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:59,560
Er... He is, chick.
154
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,880
Can you just tell him
from me that
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00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,320
I miss him,
and that we'll be together soon.
156
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:08,160
Oh, the quality of these sarnies.
157
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,160
It's better than frigging Marksie's.
158
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:11,200
You what?
159
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:13,840
Hello? Oh!
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00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,040
Mam? Oh!
161
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:16,640
Well? What did she say?
162
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,320
Summat about sandwiches.
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00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,360
But I'm sure that when word reaches
Owen that the love of his life is
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00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,680
stuck in the corridor
he'll come straight out.
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00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:25,760
Do you really think
I'm the love of his life?
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00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:27,560
I was talking about me, Lucinda!
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00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,400
God, you're really
getting on my tits today.
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00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,000
Yeah, well, you're really
getting on my tits.
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00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,480
Ozzy, lad. How are you doing?
Get yourself in there.
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00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,680
Look! He's just let Stewart in!
171
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,520
Oi, it's Ozzy! Hey-hey!
172
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,880
We need to somehow get that
octopus costume.
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00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,320
That's the only way we're going to
get in this pigging lounge with
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00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:45,560
that shit-rag bouncer.
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00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:48,120
Yeah, but how are we going to get
the costume? Stewart's wearing it.
176
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:51,080
Follow me.
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00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,400
Sal!
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00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,920
Oh, hiya, Mel, babe.
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00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:59,680
Didn't expect to see you here.
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00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,520
Oh, I never miss a charity match,
me.
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00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:03,960
Do you mind if I join?
Yeah, of course.
182
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,160
You're looking amazing, Sal.
183
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:11,240
You're, like, proper glowing.
Have you got a new skincare routine?
184
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,040
Nowt different than my usual soap,
water and margarine.
185
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,960
I do feel different, though,
to be honest.
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00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,840
Kind of like a weight's been lifted.
187
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,560
Oh, that's good.
188
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,320
Is there any reason?
189
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,440
Yeah, actually.
190
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,680
I broke up with Danni.
Oh.
191
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,120
Oh...
192
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,560
I've never done this before,
193
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:41,720
but would you maybe like to...?
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00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,520
I don't know, go out for
a drink some time?
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00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:50,120
Babe, you were so right to bring me
to this place.
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00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,440
What a shithole!
197
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,560
I'm going to be able to get
so much content.
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00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,520
Oh, it's you.
199
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,320
Sorry, I forgot to mention,
Arabella's here.
200
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,000
Room for a little one? Mmm!
201
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:05,000
You know, now that we've starting
seeing each other now,
202
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:08,800
I think that I'm going to start
saying that I'm working class.
203
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,960
It's probably going to get me
more work. Am I right?
204
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:16,440
Oh! "I have limited
opportunities!"
205
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,000
SHE GIGGLES
206
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,920
Do you know, now you lot have
said about Lucinda
207
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:24,280
and Pablo Corzello looking
like each other, I can't un-see it.
208
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,160
Elton John, Liza Minelli,
she'll shoot off down the wing
209
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,520
without the ball...
210
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,040
It's proper uncanny, isn't it?
Oh.
211
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,840
Cress mayonnaise. Oh!
212
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,240
KNOCKING
213
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,600
Huh?
214
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,400
THEY MOUTH
215
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,520
What?
216
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,520
THEY MOUTH
217
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:47,600
Emergency?
218
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,120
Quickly!
219
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,240
Why the hell weren't you
answering your phone, Stewart?
220
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,640
I'm working, Lucinda.
221
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,160
It's in my locker.
222
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,760
What's the emergency?
223
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:04,400
We've got something really
important to tell you. Oh!
224
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:05,440
What is it?
225
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:07,720
Not here.
226
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,040
Tell me what's going on.
You're scaring me.
227
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,480
We need your octopus outfit, hon.
228
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,720
But why? I'm Ozzy the Octopus.
229
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:20,680
It's the only way we can get into
the players' lounge.
230
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,720
Why do you need to go to
the players' lounge?
231
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:27,520
My future husband is in there.
No, my future husband is in there!
232
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,960
Eh! Stop it! Right, come on.
233
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,920
Come on, Stewart! No!
It's best if you don't struggle.
234
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,520
Come on! Stop it! You two have lost
the plot!
235
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:38,640
Give it back!
Dickie, that's my head!
236
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:39,840
It's mine!
237
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,360
Well, if you've never watched
a charity match before, I suppose
238
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,400
we'd better explain a little
about what you can expect today.
239
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,520
Steph? Yeah, it's dead simple, Jeff.
240
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,400
It's basically semi-professional
footballers
241
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:54,440
versus celebrity lookalikes, and
they have a big old game of footy.
242
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,800
Kammy, are you excited about
today's game?
243
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,240
No, not really.
244
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,400
Eee, hello, Sir Elton John.
245
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,960
How's your husband, David Furnish?
246
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,400
Ah, no, it's actually me.
247
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,680
It's Neil!
248
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,480
Eee, I would never have known.
249
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,720
Well, I did hear on the grapevine
that you're managing
250
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,400
us lookalikes today, Mam.
I am indeed.
251
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,120
I didn't know you
impersonated Sir Elton.
252
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,320
I mainly do the earlier hits.
253
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,200
# I'm Elton John, I'm Elton John
254
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,800
# And I think I'm going to eat
a scone. # Mmm!
255
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,280
You're such a selfish prick!
256
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,800
Oi! Get off.
257
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,440
Dickie, give me my costume back.
258
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,720
I was really looking forward to
being the mascot today.
259
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,200
Oh, keep your hair on, Stewart.
260
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,440
I'll get it back to you
before the match starts.
261
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,120
Don't believe you.
262
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,160
Give it back! Stewart, get off me!
263
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,680
Dickie, no!
Back in a tick, Stewart.
264
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,040
Dickie! Time to get my man.
Dickie!
265
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,400
CHUCKLING
266
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,560
Dickie Shenington, here I come!
267
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,240
Fucking hell.
268
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:18,640
KNOCKING
269
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:21,960
Dickie? Hello?
270
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,760
I'm a size six.
I know, I'm a bit of a minx.
271
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,600
Ooh. Stupid tentacle!
272
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,280
How are you getting on, Stewart?
273
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,640
My, you've grown.
274
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,240
'Ere, you've got to try these
sarnies.
275
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:38,360
Oh!
276
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,000
Ooh. There he is!
277
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:48,000
Mam, I was just wondering,
is Lucinda here?
278
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,040
She's here somewhere, aye.
279
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:51,520
Well, I might see if I can find her.
280
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,360
See if she'll hear me out.
281
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,760
Don't be too long, Neil.
282
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,120
I've got to give all you weird
celebrity lookalikes
283
00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,840
a pep talk before the game starts.
284
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,640
Listen, that is not Elton John.
285
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,960
He's just an oddly passive man.
286
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,280
Hiya, Owen!
287
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,280
Oh, pork pie! Mmm!
288
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:15,320
Mmm!
289
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:24,760
OK.
290
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,440
Ah! Oh!
291
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,040
Ouchie!
292
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,000
Sake.
293
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,720
Excuse me? I need your football kit.
294
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,480
Yeah, piss off, you paedo.
295
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:50,080
I'm not a paedo. Then why do you
want me to take my clothes off?
296
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,760
It's hard to explain,
but basically it's a beautiful,
297
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,160
romantic story, involving
prophecy, destiny,
298
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,320
and, above all, love.
299
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,000
Yeah, see you later, you paedo.
I'll give you 50 quid.
300
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,280
Yeah, go on, then.
301
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,680
Here you go. Thank you.
302
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,000
What the actual fuck?
That is not Merlot.
303
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,080
That's all they had, babe.
No, sorry. Impossible.
304
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,120
Excuse me.
305
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:23,360
Sorry about her.
306
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:27,560
So, you two are a proper...?
307
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:28,920
Yeah.
308
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,400
It all happened quite quickly.
309
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,360
Well, I'm really happy for you.
310
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,320
I can't believe it, you were right.
311
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:41,640
Honestly, fuck this place.
312
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,320
And you know the worst thing?
313
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:44,920
They didn't even have any olives.
314
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,480
I mean, like, what kind of dystopian
nightmare are these people
315
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,960
living in round here?
316
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,320
Right, Deliveroo.
317
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,480
Olives, olives, olives...
318
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,200
Time to get my man!
319
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:27,640
Can you believe, Owen,
that some people
320
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,360
don't know what the offside
rule is? I know what it is.
321
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,120
It's my favourite rule, actually.
322
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:53,680
Oh!
323
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:54,800
Ouchie!
324
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,200
Pablo, man, what are you doing?
You all right?
325
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,800
Fuck's sake! Thanks.
326
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,440
I know it's you, Lucinda!
327
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,960
Stop trying to steal my moves!
328
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,480
And stop trying to steal my man,
you home-wrecking harlot!
329
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,240
Yeah, well, it's not stealing
when he already belongs to me! Grr!
330
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:15,920
Grr! Right, semi-pros!
331
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,480
Let's get you all down to
the changing room for a pre-match
332
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:19,600
chat, please.
333
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,040
Come on, Pablo.
334
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,520
And I think you'd better be
getting down to the pitch, mate.
335
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,560
All the kids'll want to see
Ozzy the Octopus.
336
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,000
Shit! Haway, Pablo.
337
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,000
Fuck's sake! Ah! Fucking hell.
338
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,120
May the best Mam win.
Go on.
339
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,320
Kiss it.
340
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,080
Boop! Break a leg, lads.
341
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,760
KNOCKING
342
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,760
Hello? Let me out!
343
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:57,320
MAN CHANTS: Steph McGovern!
Steph McGovern!
344
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:02,520
You can really feel the excitement
as we edge closer to kick off here.
345
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,440
Have you got a prediction
of the result, Steph?
346
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,040
Yeah, I think the celebrities might
do well here, you know,
347
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,680
because I've seen Cher
play at a charity match in Swansea.
348
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,720
She's got a fantastic aim,
so don't write them off.
349
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,000
And, Kammy, have you got
a prediction?
350
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,920
I think AI will take over the planet
351
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,600
and DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!
352
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,600
PHONE: This car park is too full.
353
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,560
This car park is too full.
354
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,560
DUOLINGO JINGLE
355
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:29,800
Lucinda!
356
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,680
We need to hash this out
once and for all.
357
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:38,920
Come 'ere!
358
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:40,920
Lucinda!
359
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,200
Stay there!
360
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,280
No! No!
361
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:52,600
Why are you still in
here, Stewart?
362
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,000
You locked me in here.
363
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,480
And give me back my costume.
364
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,320
You know, you've really got a nerve,
Lucinda!
365
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,280
I can't hear what you're saying
with this thing on my head.
366
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:02,600
You sound Spanish, for fuck's sake.
367
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,120
Yeah, I don't think this is
Lucinda, Dickie.
368
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,720
I don't even know what language
you're speaking, Stewart.
369
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,720
Hey! No!
370
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:13,760
Stop!
371
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,320
Time for me to get my wag on.
372
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,440
Hey! Not again!
373
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:23,200
Hola.
374
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,240
Are we all clear on the strategy?
375
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,120
Well, let's get out there
376
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:33,080
and take down
those fake celebrity wankers
377
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,440
and get the win!
378
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:35,840
Yeah! Yeah!
379
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,720
So, are you doing anything
after this?
380
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,680
Listen, Pablo, I think you've got
the wrong idea, you know, mate.
381
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,200
I'm cool with everyone being who
they want to be and all that,
382
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,760
but I'm not actually gay, mate.
383
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,040
No, wait, I think
you've got the wrong idea.
384
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,120
This isn't... Right, lads.
Time to go.
385
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,320
Bring it in. Bring it in!
386
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:04,040
Come on! Are you ready?
One, two, three. Yeah! Yeah!
387
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:05,560
Help! Hola?
388
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,200
PABLO SPEAKS SPANISH
389
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:11,400
The car park is too full! The car
park is too full! We're in here!
390
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,840
Please! Please! Hello!
391
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,400
Ah, finally.
392
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,200
Thank you, Sir Elton John.
393
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,720
Where the hell is Dickie
with my costume?
394
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:26,440
Lucinda. Wow, you've really gone
all out for this match.
395
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:30,080
Look, I know that sorry
is a proper hard word,
396
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,360
but I am truly sorry.
397
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,600
But, Lucinda... Lucinda,
please don't be like that!
398
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,920
How did you get out of the cupboard?
What are you on about?
399
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,640
Never mind. Listen,
where's Owen?
400
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,960
I just need to have a quick word
with him to confess my undying love.
401
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,800
He's about to go onto
the pitch, Dickie,
402
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,520
and I'm sorry to tell you this,
hon, but he's not gay.
403
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,200
Oh! Wow.
404
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,920
What a homophobic thing to say.
405
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:09,040
Now, I know you're all worried
about the semi-professionals,
406
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,960
and it doesn't surprise me.
407
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,960
They've got the talent.
They've got the physical strength.
408
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,720
But what is it you've got
that they haven't?
409
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,440
A slight resemblance to
an A-list celebrity.
410
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,880
So forget about their ripped
Adonis bodies
411
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,080
and their fast, athletic legs.
412
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,560
Get out there and crush 'em!
413
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,080
SINGING: Yeah!
414
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,240
Yes, Stevie Wonder?
415
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,320
Anybody know where our team captain
Sir Elton John is?
416
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,880
Ooh?
417
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:42,520
I'm team captain Sir Elton John
and I'm locked in a cupboard!
418
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:43,600
Please!
419
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,400
CHANTING: Nipple Aid! Nipple Aid!
420
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:51,520
Argh! Fucking hell, mate!
What's the matter?
421
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,280
No, no, no, I'm sorry!
I tried, but I...
422
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,880
This is absolutely not for me.
Nipple Aid!
423
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:57,920
Excuse me.
424
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,000
Nipple Aid! Nipple Aid!
425
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,080
Nipple Aid! Nipple Aid!
426
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:06,960
Nipple Aid! Nipple Aid!
427
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,520
And another thing, I know it was you
who took my Dairylea Dunkers.
428
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:14,160
Grr! Don't walk away from me,
Lucinda.
429
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,240
Let's discuss this like adults.
430
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,000
I am not having this conversation
431
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,560
while you're dressed as Ozzy
the fucking Octopus!
432
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,440
Hey, Kammy, that Cher,
I wish I'd had the name
433
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,760
and address of her plastic surgeon.
434
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,960
Unbelievable, Jeff!
435
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,880
And I tell you
what I'm looking forward to -
436
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,520
Owen Shenington on the pitch.
437
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,080
There's a lot of talent in that lad.
438
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:35,920
You've always done this to me.
439
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,000
What are you even on about?
Tried stealing the lads I like!
440
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,400
Are you actually joking me?
441
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,240
When have I ever stolen
a lad from you?
442
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,160
Er, Ryan Jones. Oh, come off it.
443
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,600
You weren't ever serious with Ryan.
444
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,600
And anyway, he was the one who
asked me for a blowie in H&M.
445
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:49,520
Grr!
446
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,640
What are you doing,
you crazy bitch? That's my head!
447
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:52,760
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh!
448
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,720
Give it back, dickhead!
No, no, over here, please.
449
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,680
Thank you, thank you.
450
00:21:58,680 --> 00:21:59,720
Knobheads!
451
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,160
How the fuck has Steph McGovern
got a commentating job here?
452
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,080
What does she know about football?
The brown-nosing cow!
453
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,560
Do you know what?
Why don't you put that finger
454
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,680
where the sun
doesn't fucking shine?
455
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,400
Go on. Come out here.
We'll talk about it out here.
456
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,160
Yeah? You're scared
in your little box, aren't you?
457
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,040
Er, are you OK, Steph?
458
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:24,680
Just give us a minute, Kammy.
459
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:27,600
Give it back!
460
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:39,120
What?
Have I got something on my face?
461
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,640
I know I shouldn't, and...
462
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:45,760
..this is probably the wrong time.
463
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:48,440
But...
464
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:55,880
MUFFLED: What were you saying, Mel?
465
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,880
Oi! Corzello!
466
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:05,520
You're about to go on the pitch,
for Christ's sake! What?
467
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:06,800
In you get!
468
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:09,520
What have you got that for?
469
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,360
Bloody modern footballers.
470
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:14,600
Ladies and gentlemen,
the players are in the tunnel.
471
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:15,760
Put your hands together
472
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:19,160
and make some noise and welcome
our two teams onto the pitch.
473
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,520
Come on, semi-pros. Let's have you!
Get out there!
474
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:23,520
Let's give it to 'em! Come on!
475
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:27,440
It's semi-pros versus celebrities
476
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:31,000
and back in the number 9 shirt
today for the semi-pros
477
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,000
is Pablo Corzello. Pablo!
478
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,200
Go on, onto the pitch. That's it.
479
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,600
We're thrilled about what promises
to be a fantastic charity
480
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,120
football match, all in support
of an incredible cause.
481
00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:44,640
Pablo Corzello's warming up.
482
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:46,880
I think he looks a bit unsure,
you know.
483
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,360
I think he's slaying.
484
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,400
Let's make it a match to remember,
and most importantly,
485
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:54,040
let's make a difference.
486
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:57,400
Stevie? Stevie, it's that way.
487
00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:59,120
Oh, OK.
488
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,080
WHISTLE BLOWS
489
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,960
That's it, pass it. Oh, great pass.
Well done.
490
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,920
And Corzello's called a time out?
491
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:13,800
That's not even a thing in football.
492
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,320
I love it! Go on, lad!
493
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:17,560
SQUEALING
494
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,040
Gentle. No, no hard tackles,
come on.
495
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:24,440
Get me off, get me off, get me off!
496
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:28,680
Minelli! Liza Minelli, come on!
Get in the game.
497
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,280
Should have got Streisand!
498
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,720
Liza Minelli's in great form today.
499
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:34,040
Yeah, you're not wrong, Jeff.
500
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,160
She's created some cracking
moments there.
501
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:40,320
SHE WAS SPECTACULAR IN CABARET!
502
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:42,000
Liza! Liza!
503
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,120
Pass... Pass it to Cher!
504
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:47,440
What the hell was that?
Oh, you moron!
505
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:48,800
She was open there.
506
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,120
You told me you were good!
507
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:52,240
Pass to Prince Harry.
508
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:57,040
Don't wave! Prince Harry?
You look nothing like him!
509
00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:00,360
You're just a lad with ginger hair!
No, no!
510
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,680
No, no! Back pass!
511
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,320
WHISTLE BLOWS
512
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,320
You're bloody useless,
513
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:05,760
the lot of you! Useless.
514
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,080
Argh!
515
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:10,840
Hiya, chick. You all right, love?
516
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,200
Argh!
517
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,320
Stop throwing my head around,
you fucking monsters!
518
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,520
Dickie! Give me my octopus
costume back!
519
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,720
Owen! Owen!
520
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:32,000
Call me! What are you doing, man?
Haway!
521
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,880
No. Owen, call me!
522
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,680
Dickie! Give me Ozzy!
523
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,640
MUTTERING
524
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:45,800
Pablo!
525
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,160
The game's that way!
526
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:59,080
Oh! Dickie! Dickie!
527
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:02,040
Eee, it looks like Ozzy the Octopus
is on the pitch now.
528
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,520
I'm not talking to you!
I'm not talking to you either!
529
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,480
And he's being chased by
some tiny little gay fella.
530
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:09,360
Give me my octopus back!
531
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,440
Maybe I should go to
Specsavers, guys,
532
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:16,360
because there appear to be two
Pablo Corzellos on the pitch.
533
00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:17,960
Impostor!
534
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,720
Is there? I must have
missed that, Jeff.
535
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:23,240
What the hell are they doing?
536
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:26,240
Owen! Owen! Come back! Oi!
Get off that pitch
537
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,440
before I frigging batter you!
538
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,560
Come 'ere!
Are these all mates of yours?
539
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:33,240
Yeah. Well, what are they doing
on there?
540
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,360
You leave 'em alone!
I won't leave 'em alone!
541
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,880
Ah, you think you're hard, do you?
Oh, you're a big boy, eh?
542
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:41,320
Right! Have some of this!
Argh!
543
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,080
You like that? Ha-ha-ha!
544
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,400
Are your friends normally like this?
545
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,640
As a matter of fact, they are, yeah.
546
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,600
Owen! Owen! Owen!
547
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,000
I know, it's embarrassing, isn't it?
548
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,400
What are you apologising for? Ha!
549
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:55,520
It's class!
550
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,400
Owen! Owen! Owen! Owen! Owen!
551
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,720
Fuck my life. Owen! Owen!
552
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:03,960
You're the love of my life, Owen!
Please!
553
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,680
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
554
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,360
PANTING
555
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:13,040
Um, what the actual fuck?
I thought you were following me.
556
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:14,680
I've just been
sat in the car for ages.
557
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,160
Shit. Sorry, babe.
558
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:17,600
The windows were literally up.
559
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:23,760
Ta-ra, Ozzy.
560
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:31,400
Fuck it.
561
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:35,640
Wait for me, lads!
562
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,200
Come on!
563
00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:45,640
Either of you ever seen
anything like this?
564
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:47,000
Only in the Boro, Jeff.
565
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,920
You don't have to be mad
to live here,
566
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,800
but I'll tell you what, Jeff,
it fucking helps!
567
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:09,160
# I'm Elton John, I'm Elton John
568
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,040
# And I think everyone has gone. #
569
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,280
# I people-watch on
the way back home
570
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:22,920
# I people-watch
on the way back home... #
63721
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