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you
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Principal Vagina here. Don't let the
name fool you. I'm very much in charge.
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Reminding you that tonight is our annual
flu season dance.
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I don't know how many times I have to
say this, but if you have the flu, stay
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00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,760
home. The flu season dance is about
awareness, not celebration.
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You don't bring dead babies to Passover.
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Okay, here we go.
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Hey, Jessica.
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What's up, Morty? What are you doing?
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Wait, wait. Were you about to talk to
her?
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Well, I mean... I was thinking about it.
Dude, stay in your league.
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Look at how hot she is.
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You don't see me going to a bigger
school in a wealthier district and
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their prettiest girl.
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Gee, thanks, Brad.
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I throw balls far. You want good words?
Date a languager.
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Try not to worry about it, Morty. You're
a good kid. And there's not a premium
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on that right now, but you'll be getting
girls sometime after Brad's out of
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shape. You're missing the point, Dad. I
don't want girls.
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I want Jessica.
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Ah, well, I remember feeling that way
about a young lady named your mom.
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And that's not an urban diss.
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Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the
first time I saw her. I thought... I
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should get her pregnant, and then she'll
have to marry me. I beg your pardon,
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Rick.
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Inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed
with your story about banging my
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in high school. I'm not sure you want to
take romantic advice from this guy,
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Morty. His marriage is hanging from a
thread.
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My marriage is fine, thank you.
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Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say
it is is how it is, but I think a blind
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man could see that Beth is looking for
the door. I barely have a reason to
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and even I notice. Come on, Rick. Don't
talk about my parents like that.
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Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to
you, but what people call love is just a
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chemical reaction that compels animals
to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it
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slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a
failing marriage.
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I did it. Your parents are going to do
it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above.
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Focus on science.
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All right, well, I'm going to go get
dressed for the dance.
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Yeah, I'm just going to check on your
mom.
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Morty, hand me that screwdriver, huh?
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I'm almost finished making my ionic
defibrillizer, Morty. It's gonna be
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Hey, listen, Rick.
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You know how you said that, you know,
love is a chemical and all that stuff
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earlier? Well, I was thinking, you know,
could you make some sort of chemical
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thing happen inside of Jessica's mind?
You know, so where she falls in love
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me and all that sort of thing? You know,
like, maybe make some sort of love
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potion or something? Morty, that's such
a poor use of my time. It's beneath me.
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Hand me the screwdriver.
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You know what?
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No, Rick, I'm not gonna hand you the
screwdriver.
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I'm not gonna hand you anything ever
again, Rick.
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I'm always helping you with this and
that and the other thing.
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What about me, Rick?
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Why can't you just help me once for
once?
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You're growing up fast, Morty. You're
growing into a real big thorn straight
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into my ass.
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Listen, this is called oxytocin. I
extracted it from a bull. You know what
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bull is, Morty? You know what a bull is?
It's a rodent that mates for life,
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Morty. This is a chemical released in
the mammal brain that makes it fall in
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love. All right, Morty, I just got to
combine it with some of your DNA.
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Oh, well, okay.
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A hair, Morty. I need one of your hairs.
This isn't Game of Thrones.
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Ow!
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All right, Morty. Whoever you smear this
stuff on will fall in love with you.
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And only you. Forever.
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Are you happy now, Morty? Heck yeah!
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Thank you, Grandpa Rick.
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Hey, there's no dangers or anything or
side effects, right? What am I, a hack?
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Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof.
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Unless she has the flu.
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Beth? Do you still love me?
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Ugh, what kind of question is that?
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Uh, yes or no kind.
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Jerry, do you want homeless people to
have homes?
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Yes. Are you going to build them?
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No. Then what good was the yes?
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Wait, is loving me the house or the
homeless people?
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Loving you is work, Jerry.
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Hard work. Like building a homeless
shelter.
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Nobody wants to say no to doing it, but
some people put the work in. So what do
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you say? Do you see me working here?
Does this conversation seem tedious to
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Sort of. Then I obviously sort of love
you, don't I?
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So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you
more.
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Crap. They need me at the horse
hospital.
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This late?
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The racetrack had a starlight derby.
There was a seven -horse collision, and
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Davin's there alone.
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Davin.
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Davin.
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Davin.
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Davin.
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Davin. Davin.
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Davin.
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Yo, you gotta be aware. Aware about the
flu. Up in the air.
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I'm gonna give me a shot. Make the flu
go away.
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Flu -hating rapper just rapping away.
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Yo, yo, flu -hating rapper.
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It's the flu -hating rapper.
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Hey there, Jessica.
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Oh, whoopsie.
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Oh, my God.
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Morty, you look really nice tonight.
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Wow, thanks.
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I love you, Morty. I love you so much it
burns.
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Oh, man.
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I love you too, Jessica.
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Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?
Leave him alone, jerk.
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I'm in love with him.
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He's more man than you will ever be.
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That's true.
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It's about flu awareness.
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Gotta be aware of the flu in the
internet.
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Yo, I'm a flu -hate rapper.
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Oh, man, Morty.
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I'm really sorry.
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Oh, well, no problem, Brad. There's
something special about you, Morty.
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Something special?
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Whoa, take it easy.
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Get your hands off of him. I'm trying to
be with my man.
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That's enough, Bradley.
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We don't want you injuring your ball
-throwing arm. Oh, Principal Ventana.
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Leave me, Morty.
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Never. Uh, sure.
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I mean, of course not. What do you think
that was all about?
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Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go!
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I love you, boy!
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He's gonna be alone with that guy all
night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the
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insides of horses.
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It's not a very romantic setting.
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Well, Summer, there's always the
possibility that she made the whole work
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up. Maybe Davin's digging around in her
insides. Grandpa, so gross. You're
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talking about my mom. Well, she's my
daughter, Summer. I outrank you. Or
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means nothing, in which case, don't play
that card.
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She's not responding to my text.
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Careful, Dad.
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Jealousy turns women off.
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Well, isn't that convenient?
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Not for the men they cheat on, no.
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Okay, I'm...
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Going to go out for some ice cream.
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And maybe stop by the hospital to
support my wife with my confidence.
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God, Grandpa, you're such a dick.
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I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means
very little to me. How come you're not
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this stupid dance everyone loves so
much? Screw that. I don't want to get
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It's flu season.
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It is? Yeah. Uh -oh.
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Please, just let this work out.
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Do it, Morty. Do it. Rip my clothes off
and mate with me for life.
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Um, can we maybe go somewhere more
private?
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Jessica, get a hold of yourself.
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You deserve to carry Morty's jean. I
love Morty. And I hope Morty loves me.
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I'd like to wrap my arms around him and
feel him inside me.
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Oh, crap.
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get you out of here. You're not going to
believe this because it usually never
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happens, but I made a mistake.
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Come on, Morty.
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We got to get out of here. Come on,
Morty. Are you okay?
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I'm fine.
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Oh, good.
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If anything ever happened to you, I
would kill myself.
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I love you bad, Momo.
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00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,580
Morty, the principal and I have
discussed it and...
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I gave you that serum that Jessica had
the flu.
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That might have been valuable
information for me, Morty. What the hell
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on, Rick? What does it look like? The
serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's
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gone airborne, Morty. Oh, crap.
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What are we going to do, Rick? It's
going to be fine, Morty. Relax.
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I whipped up an antidote. It's based on
Praying Mantis DNA.
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00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:42,020
You know, praying mantises are the exact
opposite of bulls, Morty. I mean, they
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mate once and then they, you know,
decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a
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ritual. It's really gruesome and totally
opposite. There's no love at all.
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I basically mixed this with a more
contagious flu virus. It should
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the whole thing, Morty. It'll all be
over very shortly.
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Morty! Morty!
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Morty!
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By the way, Morty, I know you didn't ask
her anything, but I'm not interested in
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having sex with you. These serums, they
don't work on anybody related to you
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genetically.
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00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:09,420
Morty!
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00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:27,100
Sometimes science is more art than
science, Morty. A lot of people don't
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00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,100
that.
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Come on, are you kidding me?
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Hello?
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00:09:39,420 --> 00:09:40,420
Morty!
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00:09:40,820 --> 00:09:43,260
You're not Morty! Bring us Morty!
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00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:57,040
Nobody's killing me until after I catch
my wife with another man.
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00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:01,060
I had sex with Billy. But you were
already pregnant.
188
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:05,060
Yeah, so what's the worst that could
happen? We interrupt pregnant baby with
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00:10:05,060 --> 00:10:06,060
breaking news.
190
00:10:06,180 --> 00:10:07,180
Oh, come on.
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00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:10,500
This just in. Morty Smith's whereabouts
are still unknown.
192
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:14,460
What the hell? The only thing that is
known is how cute he is.
193
00:10:14,970 --> 00:10:19,510
I love him so much. I want to make love
to him and then eat his head.
194
00:10:19,790 --> 00:10:23,050
I love him more than you do, Harold. You
wish, you stupid bitch!
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00:10:23,430 --> 00:10:24,269
Morty's mine!
196
00:10:24,270 --> 00:10:25,270
Morty's mine!
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00:10:55,180 --> 00:10:56,180
how fast that spread.
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00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,340
I've really outdone myself.
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00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:58,720
Outdone yourself?
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00:10:58,820 --> 00:11:01,440
Are you kidding me, Rick? This is not
okay.
201
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,920
Not only do they all want to have sex
with me, but, you know, now they want to
202
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:05,920
eat me afterwards.
203
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,060
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
204
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:08,880
Mantises are the opposite of holes?
205
00:11:09,180 --> 00:11:12,420
I mean, obviously DNA's a little more
complicated than that. You know what,
206
00:11:12,460 --> 00:11:15,740
though, Morty? This right here is going
to do the trick, baby. It's koala mixed
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00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:18,740
with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus,
shark.
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00:11:19,130 --> 00:11:23,270
Golden retriever and just a smidge of
dinosaur should add up to normal
209
00:11:23,630 --> 00:11:27,230
That doesn't make any sense, Rick. How
does that add up to normal humanity?
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00:11:27,590 --> 00:11:29,010
What, Morty, you want me to show you my
math?
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00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:32,270
I'm sorry. Are you the scientist or are
you the kid that wanted to get laid?
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00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:39,490
I'm glad we saved all those horses, but
I'm almost sorry we're finished.
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00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:40,890
Yes, it's satisfying work.
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00:11:42,290 --> 00:11:47,370
It's more than the work. I love being in
that sterilized room, sealed off from
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00:11:47,370 --> 00:11:48,269
the world.
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00:11:48,270 --> 00:11:51,130
It's the only time I can really think
and feel.
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00:11:52,050 --> 00:11:53,990
What are you doing?
218
00:11:54,210 --> 00:11:55,810
I'm playing African Dream Pop.
219
00:11:56,110 --> 00:11:58,230
What do you do after a long night?
220
00:12:00,030 --> 00:12:02,690
Oh, I better get going.
221
00:12:03,150 --> 00:12:05,010
Jerry's been texting some pretty high
-maintenance stuff.
222
00:12:05,290 --> 00:12:07,070
Beth. What is it, Devin?
223
00:12:07,290 --> 00:12:14,010
Just once, I'd like to know... what it
was like to give your son
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00:12:14,010 --> 00:12:14,969
a bath.
225
00:12:14,970 --> 00:12:17,270
What? What does Morty...
226
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:24,320
Skin smell like... How soft... How soft
are his privates? Let
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00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,680
go of me, Davin!
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00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:34,400
Take me to Morty.
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00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:39,040
You're not Morty. No, I'm Mr.
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00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:40,820
Crowbar. And this?
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00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:44,320
is my friend, who is also a crowbar.
232
00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:45,880
That's stupid.
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00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:52,120
Yeah? Well, look, we're being smart,
gotcha.
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00:12:52,340 --> 00:12:53,860
Jerry, thank God.
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00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:58,140
God? God's turning people into insect
monsters, Beth.
236
00:12:58,540 --> 00:13:01,520
I'm the one beating them to death. Thank
me.
237
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:02,820
Thank you, Jerry.
238
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,160
Thank you.
239
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,560
Take a good look down there, Morty, and
soak it in because, you know, once I
240
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,300
pull this lever, it's all back to
normal. Just do it already?
241
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:17,320
Well, technically, Morty, there's no
rush.
242
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,960
I mean, you know, once it's fixed, it's
done. It's fixed.
243
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:24,920
You know, we could just enjoy it for a
little bit. I mean, look at how crazy it
244
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,180
is. I mean, Morty, when's the next time
you're going to see something like this?
245
00:13:28,220 --> 00:13:29,240
I mean, soak it in.
246
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:32,240
You know, it's pretty neat. It's pretty
interesting. That's it, Rick. I'm
247
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:33,119
pulling the lever.
248
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,120
Hold it!
249
00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:43,080
Well, what do we have here, Morty? Looks
like I was right and you were wrong,
250
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:46,320
huh? I bet you feel pretty stupid right
about now, huh?
251
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,060
I bet you feel like the world's smallest
man that you were doubting me about
252
00:13:50,060 --> 00:13:52,160
this whole thing, Morty. Oh, Rick,
something's not right.
253
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:53,940
Yeah, you.
254
00:13:54,180 --> 00:13:55,420
You're not right. Ever.
255
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,060
No! Look, you idiot!
256
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:28,080
Be the best day of your life. You get to
be the mayor of I told you town.
257
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:05,840
I wish that shotgun was my penis. If it
were, you could call me Ernest
258
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,760
Hemingway. I don't get it and I don't
need to.
259
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:10,520
Mom!
260
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,200
Dad! Summer! Summer!
261
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,600
Where's Morty? I don't know.
262
00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:21,520
Do you think Grandpa Rick had something
to do with this? It's not fair to assume
263
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:26,240
that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a
break. He is a selfish, irresponsible
264
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,380
and he left my mother.
265
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,220
A real man stands by his woman.
266
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:42,420
Boy, Morty, I really Cronenberg'd the
world up, didn't I? You got a whole
267
00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:45,960
of Cronenbergs walking around down
there, Morty. At least they're not in
268
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,060
with you anymore, though. It's a huge
step in the right direction.
269
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,320
Oh, my God. It's a living nightmare.
270
00:15:50,860 --> 00:15:53,100
How could you be so irresponsible, Rick?
271
00:15:53,340 --> 00:15:54,340
Me, irresponsible?
272
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:58,000
All I wanted you to do was hand me a
screwdriver, Morty. You're the one who
273
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:03,890
wanted me to... buckle down and make you
up a roofie juice serum so you can
274
00:16:03,890 --> 00:16:09,290
roofie that poor girl at your school. I
mean, are you kidding me, Morty? You're
275
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:10,850
going to try to take the high road on
this one?
276
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:15,810
You're a little creep, Morty. You're
just a little creepy creep person.
277
00:16:16,010 --> 00:16:16,689
All right, fine.
278
00:16:16,690 --> 00:16:19,370
I should have just listened to you when
you refused to make the serum. I'm
279
00:16:19,370 --> 00:16:21,870
willing to accept my part of the blame
for this, Rick, but I'll tell you
280
00:16:21,870 --> 00:16:22,809
something. You know what?
281
00:16:22,810 --> 00:16:24,310
You've got to accept your part of the
blame.
282
00:16:33,650 --> 00:16:38,110
All right, all right, Morty. We are in a
pretty deep hole here, but I do have
283
00:16:38,110 --> 00:16:41,710
one emergency solution that I can use
that'll kind of put everything back to
284
00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,050
normal, relatively speaking.
285
00:16:43,330 --> 00:16:45,330
Here, Morty, put this on while I do a
little bit of scouting.
286
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:03,140
Well, Rick, I've got to say, you really
pulled the rabbit out of your hat this
287
00:17:03,140 --> 00:17:06,700
time. I mean, I really thought that the
whole place was going to be messed up
288
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:11,380
for good, but here you did it. You
figured out that crazy solution like you
289
00:17:11,380 --> 00:17:12,059
always do.
290
00:17:12,060 --> 00:17:13,760
Whew, that's some great luck.
291
00:17:13,980 --> 00:17:17,720
Come on, Morty, luck had nothing to do
with it. I'm great. That's the real
292
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:18,720
reason.
293
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,880
Now, Morty, what do you say, buddy? Will
you hand me a screwdriver so I can
294
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,619
finish my ionic defibrillizer? Sure
thing, Rick.
295
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:26,960
Here's a screwdriver.
296
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:28,980
All right, Morty, thank you very much.
297
00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:30,700
We got one screw turn.
298
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,700
And two screw turns.
299
00:17:33,860 --> 00:17:40,720
And... All right, Morty, here we are.
Oh,
300
00:17:40,740 --> 00:17:42,400
my God, Rick. Is that us?
301
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:43,939
We're dead.
302
00:17:43,940 --> 00:17:46,800
What is going on, Rick? I'm freaking
out. Calm down, Morty.
303
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:48,320
Look at me. Calm down, Morty.
304
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,980
You got to calm yourself, Morty.
305
00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:52,480
Morty, calm down, Morty.
306
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:56,140
Morty, you got to calm down, Morty.
Morty, will you listen to me, Morty?
307
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,020
Shut up and listen to me.
308
00:17:58,320 --> 00:17:59,309
It's fine.
309
00:17:59,310 --> 00:18:00,189
Everything is fine.
310
00:18:00,190 --> 00:18:03,770
There's an infinite number of realities,
Morty. And in a few dozen of those, I
311
00:18:03,770 --> 00:18:06,730
got lucky and turned everything back to
normal. I just had to find one of those
312
00:18:06,730 --> 00:18:10,430
realities in which we also happen to
both die around this time. Now we can
313
00:18:10,430 --> 00:18:13,730
slip into the place of our dead selves
in this reality, and everything will be
314
00:18:13,730 --> 00:18:17,010
fine. We're not skipping a beat, Morty.
Now help me with these bodies.
315
00:18:17,210 --> 00:18:18,109
This is insane.
316
00:18:18,110 --> 00:18:21,530
Look, Morty, I'll grab myself. You grab
yourself, okay? I mean, that seems fair
317
00:18:21,530 --> 00:18:23,950
to me. I mean, that seems like a fair
way to divvy it up. Rick!
318
00:18:24,410 --> 00:18:25,830
What about the reality we left behind?
319
00:18:26,190 --> 00:18:29,430
What about the reality where Hitler
cured cancer, Morty? The answer is don't
320
00:18:29,430 --> 00:18:32,670
think about it. It's not like we can do
this every week anyways. We get three or
321
00:18:32,670 --> 00:18:33,670
four more of these tops.
322
00:18:33,950 --> 00:18:36,610
Now pick up your dead self and come on.
Haste makes waste.
323
00:18:37,290 --> 00:18:40,870
I don't suppose you'd consider this
detail, but obviously if I hadn't
324
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:44,410
as much as I did, we'd be these guys
right now. So again, you're welcome.
325
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:06,440
Down there look on
326
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,160
You know the thing about a shark?
327
00:20:24,940 --> 00:20:26,520
He's got lifeless eyes.
328
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,300
Black eyes like a doll's eyes.
329
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:34,180
When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to
be living until he bites ya. And then
330
00:20:34,180 --> 00:20:38,920
the blood and the red water... You ever
wonder what happened to Rick and Morty?
331
00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:45,420
Sometimes. But I'm ashamed to admit, now
that they're gone, I'm finally happy.
332
00:20:49,350 --> 00:20:52,610
We are Cronenberg Morty, the reality
where everyone in the world got
333
00:20:52,610 --> 00:20:56,310
Cronenberg'd. We'll fit right in,
Cronenberg Morty. It'll be like we never
334
00:20:56,310 --> 00:20:59,610
left Cronenberg World. Yeah, Cronenberg
Rick. But, you know, I'm going to miss
335
00:20:59,610 --> 00:21:03,130
Cronenberg World because everyone was
Cronenberg'd all along like us from the
336
00:21:03,130 --> 00:21:06,370
beginning, you know? I mean, I wish we
hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg
337
00:21:06,370 --> 00:21:09,630
World beyond repair like we did, you
know, and turned everyone into regular
338
00:21:09,630 --> 00:21:11,690
normal people just walking around.
339
00:21:11,930 --> 00:21:14,590
Don't you worry about that sort of
thing, Cronenberg Morty.
340
00:21:14,850 --> 00:21:16,390
Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?
27327
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