Original subtitles

you

Principal Vagina here. Don't let the name fool you. I'm very much in charge.

Reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance.

I don't know how many times I have to say this, but if you have the flu, stay

home. The flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration.

You don't bring dead babies to Passover.

Okay, here we go.

Hey, Jessica.

What's up, Morty? What are you doing?

Wait, wait. Were you about to talk to her?

Well, I mean... I was thinking about it. Dude, stay in your league.

Look at how hot she is.

You don't see me going to a bigger school in a wealthier district and

their prettiest girl.

Gee, thanks, Brad.

I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager.

Try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium

on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of

shape. You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls.

I want Jessica.

Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named your mom.

And that's not an urban diss.

Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought... I

should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me. I beg your pardon,

Rick.

Inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my

in high school. I'm not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy,

Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.

My marriage is fine, thank you.

Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is is how it is, but I think a blind

man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to

and even I notice. Come on, Rick. Don't talk about my parents like that.

Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call love is just a

chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it

slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage.

I did it. Your parents are going to do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above.

Focus on science.

All right, well, I'm going to go get dressed for the dance.

Yeah, I'm just going to check on your mom.

Morty, hand me that screwdriver, huh?

I'm almost finished making my ionic defibrillizer, Morty. It's gonna be

Hey, listen, Rick.

You know how you said that, you know, love is a chemical and all that stuff

earlier? Well, I was thinking, you know, could you make some sort of chemical

thing happen inside of Jessica's mind? You know, so where she falls in love

me and all that sort of thing? You know, like, maybe make some sort of love

potion or something? Morty, that's such a poor use of my time. It's beneath me.

Hand me the screwdriver.

You know what?

No, Rick, I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.

I'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick.

I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing.

What about me, Rick?

Why can't you just help me once for once?

You're growing up fast, Morty. You're growing into a real big thorn straight

into my ass.

Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a bull. You know what

bull is, Morty? You know what a bull is? It's a rodent that mates for life,

Morty. This is a chemical released in the mammal brain that makes it fall in

love. All right, Morty, I just got to combine it with some of your DNA.

Oh, well, okay.

A hair, Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't Game of Thrones.

Ow!

All right, Morty. Whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you.

And only you. Forever.

Are you happy now, Morty? Heck yeah!

Thank you, Grandpa Rick.

Hey, there's no dangers or anything or side effects, right? What am I, a hack?

Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof.

Unless she has the flu.

Beth? Do you still love me?

Ugh, what kind of question is that?

Uh, yes or no kind.

Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?

Yes. Are you going to build them?

No. Then what good was the yes?

Wait, is loving me the house or the homeless people?

Loving you is work, Jerry.

Hard work. Like building a homeless shelter.

Nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So what do

you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to

Sort of. Then I obviously sort of love you, don't I?

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more.

Crap. They need me at the horse hospital.

This late?

The racetrack had a starlight derby. There was a seven -horse collision, and

Davin's there alone.

Davin.

Davin.

Davin.

Davin.

Davin. Davin.

Davin.

Yo, you gotta be aware. Aware about the flu. Up in the air.

I'm gonna give me a shot. Make the flu go away.

Flu -hating rapper just rapping away.

Yo, yo, flu -hating rapper.

It's the flu -hating rapper.

Hey there, Jessica.

Oh, whoopsie.

Oh, my God.

Morty, you look really nice tonight.

Wow, thanks.

I love you, Morty. I love you so much it burns.

Oh, man.

I love you too, Jessica.

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk.

I'm in love with him.

He's more man than you will ever be.

That's true.

It's about flu awareness.

Gotta be aware of the flu in the internet.

Yo, I'm a flu -hate rapper.

Oh, man, Morty.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, well, no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Morty.

Something special?

Whoa, take it easy.

Get your hands off of him. I'm trying to be with my man.

That's enough, Bradley.

We don't want you injuring your ball -throwing arm. Oh, Principal Ventana.

Leave me, Morty.

Never. Uh, sure.

I mean, of course not. What do you think that was all about?

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go!

I love you, boy!

He's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the

insides of horses.

It's not a very romantic setting.

Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work

up. Maybe Davin's digging around in her insides. Grandpa, so gross. You're

talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. I outrank you. Or

means nothing, in which case, don't play that card.

She's not responding to my text.

Careful, Dad.

Jealousy turns women off.

Well, isn't that convenient?

Not for the men they cheat on, no.

Okay, I'm...

Going to go out for some ice cream.

And maybe stop by the hospital to support my wife with my confidence.

God, Grandpa, you're such a dick.

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not

this stupid dance everyone loves so much? Screw that. I don't want to get

It's flu season.

It is? Yeah. Uh -oh.

Please, just let this work out.

Do it, Morty. Do it. Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life.

Um, can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Jessica, get a hold of yourself.

You deserve to carry Morty's jean. I love Morty. And I hope Morty loves me.

I'd like to wrap my arms around him and feel him inside me.

Oh, crap.

get you out of here. You're not going to believe this because it usually never

happens, but I made a mistake.

Come on, Morty.

We got to get out of here. Come on, Morty. Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Oh, good.

If anything ever happened to you, I would kill myself.

I love you bad, Momo.

Morty, the principal and I have discussed it and...

I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu.

That might have been valuable information for me, Morty. What the hell

on, Rick? What does it look like? The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's

gone airborne, Morty. Oh, crap.

What are we going to do, Rick? It's going to be fine, Morty. Relax.

I whipped up an antidote. It's based on Praying Mantis DNA.

You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of bulls, Morty. I mean, they

mate once and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a

ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all.

I basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should

the whole thing, Morty. It'll all be over very shortly.

Morty! Morty!

Morty!

By the way, Morty, I know you didn't ask her anything, but I'm not interested in

having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you

genetically.

Morty!

Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty. A lot of people don't

that.

Come on, are you kidding me?

Hello?

Morty!

You're not Morty! Bring us Morty!

Nobody's killing me until after I catch my wife with another man.

I had sex with Billy. But you were already pregnant.

Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen? We interrupt pregnant baby with

breaking news.

Oh, come on.

This just in. Morty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown.

What the hell? The only thing that is known is how cute he is.

I love him so much. I want to make love to him and then eat his head.

I love him more than you do, Harold. You wish, you stupid bitch!

Morty's mine!

Morty's mine!

how fast that spread.

I've really outdone myself.

Outdone yourself?

Are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay.

Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to

eat me afterwards.

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.

Mantises are the opposite of holes?

I mean, obviously DNA's a little more complicated than that. You know what,

though, Morty? This right here is going to do the trick, baby. It's koala mixed

with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark.

Golden retriever and just a smidge of dinosaur should add up to normal

That doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity?

What, Morty, you want me to show you my math?

I'm sorry. Are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished.

Yes, it's satisfying work.

It's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from

the world.

It's the only time I can really think and feel.

What are you doing?

I'm playing African Dream Pop.

What do you do after a long night?

Oh, I better get going.

Jerry's been texting some pretty high -maintenance stuff.

Beth. What is it, Devin?

Just once, I'd like to know... what it was like to give your son

a bath.

What? What does Morty...

Skin smell like... How soft... How soft are his privates? Let

go of me, Davin!

Take me to Morty.

You're not Morty. No, I'm Mr.

Crowbar. And this?

is my friend, who is also a crowbar.

That's stupid.

Yeah? Well, look, we're being smart, gotcha.

Jerry, thank God.

God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth.

I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me.

Thank you, Jerry.

Thank you.

Take a good look down there, Morty, and soak it in because, you know, once I

pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already?

Well, technically, Morty, there's no rush.

I mean, you know, once it's fixed, it's done. It's fixed.

You know, we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, look at how crazy it

is. I mean, Morty, when's the next time you're going to see something like this?

I mean, soak it in.

You know, it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick. I'm

pulling the lever.

Hold it!

Well, what do we have here, Morty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong,

huh? I bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh?

I bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about

this whole thing, Morty. Oh, Rick, something's not right.

Yeah, you.

You're not right. Ever.

No! Look, you idiot!

Be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of I told you town.

I wish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest

Hemingway. I don't get it and I don't need to.

Mom!

Dad! Summer! Summer!

Where's Morty? I don't know.

Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume

that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible

and he left my mother.

A real man stands by his woman.

Boy, Morty, I really Cronenberg'd the world up, didn't I? You got a whole

of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Morty. At least they're not in

with you anymore, though. It's a huge step in the right direction.

Oh, my God. It's a living nightmare.

How could you be so irresponsible, Rick?

Me, irresponsible?

All I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Morty. You're the one who

wanted me to... buckle down and make you up a roofie juice serum so you can

roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, are you kidding me, Morty? You're

going to try to take the high road on this one?

You're a little creep, Morty. You're just a little creepy creep person.

All right, fine.

I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm

willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick, but I'll tell you

something. You know what?

You've got to accept your part of the blame.

All right, all right, Morty. We are in a pretty deep hole here, but I do have

one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to

normal, relatively speaking.

Here, Morty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

Well, Rick, I've got to say, you really pulled the rabbit out of your hat this

time. I mean, I really thought that the whole place was going to be messed up

for good, but here you did it. You figured out that crazy solution like you

always do.

Whew, that's some great luck.

Come on, Morty, luck had nothing to do with it. I'm great. That's the real

reason.

Now, Morty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can

finish my ionic defibrillizer? Sure thing, Rick.

Here's a screwdriver.

All right, Morty, thank you very much.

We got one screw turn.

And two screw turns.

And... All right, Morty, here we are. Oh,

my God, Rick. Is that us?

We're dead.

What is going on, Rick? I'm freaking out. Calm down, Morty.

Look at me. Calm down, Morty.

You got to calm yourself, Morty.

Morty, calm down, Morty.

Morty, you got to calm down, Morty. Morty, will you listen to me, Morty?

Shut up and listen to me.

It's fine.

Everything is fine.

There's an infinite number of realities, Morty. And in a few dozen of those, I

got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one of those

realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can

slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality, and everything will be

fine. We're not skipping a beat, Morty. Now help me with these bodies.

This is insane.

Look, Morty, I'll grab myself. You grab yourself, okay? I mean, that seems fair

to me. I mean, that seems like a fair way to divvy it up. Rick!

What about the reality we left behind?

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is don't

think about it. It's not like we can do this every week anyways. We get three or

four more of these tops.

Now pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.

I don't suppose you'd consider this detail, but obviously if I hadn't

as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now. So again, you're welcome.

Down there look on

You know the thing about a shark?

He's got lifeless eyes.

Black eyes like a doll's eyes.

When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya. And then

the blood and the red water... You ever wonder what happened to Rick and Morty?

Sometimes. But I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

We are Cronenberg Morty, the reality where everyone in the world got

Cronenberg'd. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Morty. It'll be like we never

left Cronenberg World. Yeah, Cronenberg Rick. But, you know, I'm going to miss

Cronenberg World because everyone was Cronenberg'd all along like us from the

beginning, you know? I mean, I wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg

World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular

normal people just walking around.

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?