Original subtitles

Max: This is my boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H.

She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them, which ain't easy.

'Cause when they met, it was murder.

- Jennifer: Darling. - Jonathan: Hmm?

What do you think we serve sushi?

- Sushi? - Yeah.

I think a barbecue would be better.

It's more American.

American or not,

I don't think you can serve an international board of directors

hot dogs and hamburgers.

Well, why not? We have been on a roll.

Very funny.

Thanks.

Besides, they have hot dogs and hamburgers

in Paris, Tokyo, and Caracas.

Well, maybe you're right.

Max will come up with something.

What's he up to?

It's another cereal contest.

Max?

How many cereals have you tasted this week?

About 25.

Between the stamps and the cereals,

I need fourth prize just to get even.

What's this one?

Aero Wheats.

Never heard of them.

Actually, they're not too bad.

Each piece is shaped like a famous aircraft.

The L-1011s are pretty tasty.

The only problem is the landing gear

- gets stuck between your teeth. - Oh.

Tell me. What do you think of this?

"They're crispy, they're crunchy

They're chewy, they're munchy.

Not only for breakfast, they're even for lunch-y."

Both: Lunch-y?

Even Shakespeare took liberties.

Hart residence. Yes?

Nah, you got the wrong number.

Max, are you expecting someone important to call?

Today's the deadline for the Corn Critter cereal contest.

They said they'd call the winners.

But, Max, there must be over a million people

entering that contest.

But there's only one big winner, Mrs. H.

Yeah, who is it?

This is Mr. Parker. Is this Max?

Are you from the IRS?

No.

Did Brandy the bookie send you?

No.

- Then I'm Max. - Wonderful.

Now, I'm, um, from the Corn Critter cereal contest

and I'm happy to tell you that you've just won

our first prize for $1 million.

Hello? Hello, Max?

- Max? - Max.

You all right, Max?

Okay, Max?

I'm okay, Mrs. H.

Well, here you go, Max.

This is your first installment.

This is for $10,000.

Yes, and you will receive a check like that

every month for the next 10 years.

Zowie, a million samolians.

Are you sure that this isn't a mistake?

Corn Critters doesn't make mistakes.

Sheesh, a million smackers.

Well, I'd love to stay for the celebration,

but I've got a desk full of papers waiting.

A million bucks. What can I say?

Don't say anything.

Just enjoy your new life.

Mrs. Hart, Mr. Hart, I'll see myself out.

Mm.

That's fantastic.

That's terrific, Max.

Yeah, I know what you mean, but...

- What do you mean, "but"? - What do you mean, "but"?

Now I can do whatever I want.

Absolutely.

What are you gonna do first?

The dishes, I guess.

How did you fare, Mr. Parker?

They fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

You mean the man actually believes

he's won a million dollars?

Margaret, he's my mark.

He believes what I want him to believe.

You two make sure you're at the pub at 2:00.

If Max is faithful to routine,

- he'll be there, especially today. - And you?

I'll stay out of your way, but I'll be there.

I want to keep an eye out on my investment.

Our investment.

Don't worry, Gordon.

That first $10,000 is gonna get us 5 million.

You'll get your cut.

I'll see you at the pub.

Mr. Parker can be a bit of an irritation, can't he?

Who's the girl?

She's Zsa Zsa's maid.

Not bad.

She used to work for Marlon.

So she gets around.

I'd like to bump into her some Thursday

or every other Sunday.

Hey, hey, Mr. Rockefeller.

Ha ha. Hey, it's Maximillian, the millionaire.

Uh, sir Maximillian, you need a gentlemen's gentlemen.

I'll show you my references if you show me yours.

Wait a minute. How did you guys know already?

What do you think?

Your boss told his boss.

His boss told my boss.

I get the idea.

Well, it looks like you're buying, Maxi.

Yeah, come on, pal.

A drink for everybody on me, and, for us, the usual.

I couldn't believe it. The check was good.

Mr. H called the bank.

- Thanks, Harry. - Hiya, Cookie.

Care for a little something domestic?

Maybe next time.

- Okay. - Forget it, Max.

They're all the same in Pasadena.

Let's go by the fire.

So, Max, one of your cockamamie contests finally paid off, huh?

Yeah. Which one was it?

Uh, Corn Critters. It's a cereal.

I don't eat cereal at all. I like toast.

How many have you entered already, Max?

I've lost count.

What did you write that was worth seven figures?

I don't remember.

I threw most of them away.

Oh, I remember one.

"There are lions and tigers, bears and trouts,

a boxful of critters

that melt in your mout."

"Mout?"

That rhyme with lout?

It's called poetic license.

Well, I understand congratulations are in order.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Chumley, Gordon Chumley, my wife Margaret.

We're in service with Mrs. Strathmore.

Mrs. Strathmore, the oil lady in Bel Air?

Oil, yes, but a lady?

I must say, Mr... You can call me Max.

I must say, Max, for a man who's just won a million,

you don't seem very happy.

I like my work.

You hardly hear that anymore.

Gordon: I know that if I won that much,

I'd be out before you could say "Jeeves."

I'd have my own servants.

Max: You don't know Mr. and Mrs. H.

I ain't exactly a servant.

Ah, one of the family, yes.

But, you know, my dear Max,

blood is thicker than silver polish.

And I'm afraid your Mr. and Mrs. H know who's who.

Don't be so sure.

Well, if ever you do decide to move on,

Margaret and I are looking for a change of employment.

A day away from Mrs. Strathmore

is like a month in the country.

Enjoy your good fortune, Max.

They got a point, Maxi.

You got all this dough, and it ain't like they are your family.

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

Max: Cool it, Freeway.

You don't want to wake up Mr. and Mrs. H.

You were pretty cute when you were little.

I wasn't so bad myself.

Those guys think I'm crazy.

They'd take off, go out and see the world.

You got any bright ideas?

I didn't think so.

Hey, Max.

Hey, Mr. H, what are you doing up?

What are you doing up?

Eating, drinking.

Mayonnaise, mustard, onions, and salami?

Is it that bad?

I got a lot of things on my mind, Mr. H.

Hey, we go back a long time, Max.

Want to talk about it?

It's tough, Mr. H.

You know, you dream of something a lot,

and suddenly it has the bad manners

to drop right in your lap.

You thinking about leaving?

The boys at the pub say I should.

- What do you think? - I think I don't know what I think.

Max,

you remember when I started Hart Industries?

You told me if I was gonna climb to the top,

I'd have to risk landing on my assets.

You said to me that,

"You'd have to bet your hand

in order to win the pot."

You remember that?

I remember, but that was you.

This is a great opportunity for you.

You have to bet your hand.

Mr. H, I guess I'm around so much I...

I don't express about you and Mrs. H.

I'll say it.

You and Mrs. H are the best thing that ever happened to me.

You guys are family. You take care of me.

We care for each other.

I know, but it's more than that.

You're... it's like my home.

Sure, there are a lot of things I'd like to do, but...

leaving you?

We'd never forget our feelings for you, Max.

Anyway, now isn't a good time.

You got that Hart Industry party coming up,

and Thanksgiving's just around the corner.

There's never going to be a right time.

We can get someone to take care of the party,

and we'll have Thanksgiving together.

I love you, Max.

I'm glad we had this talk.

I... I feel much better.

Me, too, Max.

Get some sleep, huh?

Sure. Good night.

Jennifer: Uh, you worked 10 years for Mrs. Strathmore?

Margaret: Yes, madame.

10 long years, until last week.

- Ah. - We tried calling her,

and they said that she was in the desert.

- Regrettable. - Yes. We can only hope

that the desert finds her as sunny as we did.

Ah.

Well, I suppose 10 years with Mrs. Strathmore

is a substantial recommendation.

Thank you, madame.

I think the most important thing is, uh,

that you have Max's vote of confidence.

- Uh, could you start tomorrow? - We can start today.

- Oh, well, that won't be necessary... - It will be our pleasure.

We'll collect our belongings and return this evening.

Well, uh, I suppose it's all right.

I hope the kitchen will be adequate.

Gordon: Margaret will make adjustments.

Ah.

Will that be all, madame?

Oh, yes.

Sir?

Yes.

- We'll see you later then. - Good day.

See you this afternoon.

I don't know whether we hired them or they hired us.

Quite.

So?

We'll be in the house this evening.

Good, I was getting tired

of sitting on their mailbox every day,

stealing Max's contest entries.

It's unfortunate he'll never see another 10,000.

I'll tell you what is fortunate,

is my European office clueing us in

on the Hart's little get together.

The top international executives

of Hart Industries all in one place.

One of the advantages of being in the security business.

Well, in a few days, we'll have $5 million

and no more servants' quarters.

And no more Hart Industries.

And possibly no more Harts.

You're going to love it here, Max.

Oh, I knew you'd love it.

It's perfect. It's modern,

it's clean, it's you, Max.

Take my word for it.

This is me?

Comfy, isn't it?

Reva, I was just looking for a small furnished apartment.

Max, you have to learn to think big. I mean, a man of your means...

I have been in the real estate business for

15 years now. And let me tell you something.

You don't see places like this. Take my word for it.

Oh, here, let me... Let me give you a hand.

- There you go. - Thank you.

Oh, Max, I envy you.

You've got your shot at a star,

travel, adventure, romance.

Max, is there someone special in your life now,

someone with whom perhaps you'd like to share this last hurrah?

Don't rush it.

- I hope I got a lot of hurrahs left in me. - Of course.

I tell you what, I think I'll leave you alone now.

No, that's all right. I'd rather have you here.

Oh, thank you, but I think it would be a good idea

if you got comfortable with the place.

And should you want to go out, I've also arranged for a car.

A car? Look, I really...

Max, you have got to learn to think big now, grand.

In time, you'll learn to love it.

Take my word for it.

I guess I gotta take your word for it.

What the hell is it?

Jennifer: Margaret, Gordon?

Chumley, please.

Oh, Chumley, Mr. Hart and I...

Excuse me, madame, but luncheon isn't quite ready.

Oh, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

- Mr. Hart... - Excuse me, madame.

Mrs. Chumley is very sensitive about

the privacy of her kitchen.

Darling, ready go?

Uh, luncheon is almost ready.

We'll be serving on the patio momentarily.

Well, Mrs. Hart and I are going into town to do a little shopping.

I made a reservation with Pirett

at the La Scala Boutique.

They have a wonderful chopped salad...

The Scala B... chopped salad?

But Mrs. Chumley's just laid some cracked crab over ice.

The Batard-Montrachet is chilled.

The patio table is set.

Well, since you put it that way, I guess,

uh, we'll stay here for lunch.

Is that all right with you, darling?

Since you put it that way.

Very good, madame.

Well, I guess we'll just

wait in the living room.

Here you are, you little grubber.

Max: What about Thanksgiving?

You mean you're busy all week?

No, no, no. That's all right.

It's okay. Sure.

Another time.

Slapsy, it's Maxi.

Say, what about taking in

the trotters tonight, huh?

Oh, well, that... That's all right.

Sure, another time.

- Hello? - Listen, Mr. H,

if you and Mrs. H are gonna be around,

I'd like to drop by and pick up a few things.

Sure. Hold on a second. Darling, it's Max.

He wants to know if he can come by tonight and pick up a few things.

Ask him if he can stay for dinner.

Max, can you stay for dinner?

Dinner, sure, Mr. H.

Uh, I guess I can cancel my plans.

Well, if you've got other plans, uh...

No, it's okay, Mr. H. I... I'll be there.

Other plans.

Is something's upsetting you, Gordon?

I hope you're not having second thoughts.

Margaret, dear,

we are planning on holding the entire board of directors

of Hart Industries as hostages.

It's a large undertaking in only two days.

We simply don't have much time.

Correction, my dear.

It's the Harts who don't have much time.

Thanks.

Begging your pardon, sir.

That's your dessert fork.

Very good, sir.

Enjoy your dinner.

Gee, this is swell.

Mm-hmm.

Have you given any thought to your future plans, Max?

I haven't had the time, Mr. H.

Reva has been doing all my thinking for me.

What's she like, Max?

Oh, she's all right, very nice, very helpful.

She also has a nice smile.

I mean, you know.

Chumleys sure set out a swell dinner table, don't they?

She, uh, went to cooking school in France.

Mm.

It's, um, interesting.

Mm-hmm.

I really better get going.

I... it's getting pretty late.

Hey, Max, it's only about 9:00.

Yeah, I... I mean it's late because I gotta meet someone.

Reva?

Right, Reva.

Listen, Max, the next time you come for dinner,

why don't you bring Reva?

We'd love to meet her.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Maybe we all ought to get together

somewhere for dinner, out maybe.

Hmm.

Definitely, hmm.

Shall we?

Good night, Max.

Good night, Max.

See you soon?

Sure.

No, I hate it in the back.

You get in the back. I'll drive.

Driver: Whatever you say, sir.

- Jennifer: Darling. - Jonathan: Hmm?

Do you think Max misses us as much as we miss him,

only he's just not showing his feelings?

Could you do that a little harder?

Oh, like that?

Mm. Uh, I know he misses us.

But he's got Reva, his own place,

new friends.

Mm.

Could you do it over to the right a little bit?

Mm. There?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe he was just trying to get away from the Chumleys.

Darling, I don't really like the Chumleys.

No, neither do I.

But we'll keep them through the party,

and then we'll let them go.

Mm.

Well, there you go.

Oh, no. What's happening?

- You're reneging. - Jennifer: Time's up.

No, no. No, no, no, no.

You owe me about eight minutes.

No, no.

I've been doing this for half an hour.

It's your turn.

Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh.

Where does it itch?

Gordon: Sleep well, Mr. and Mrs. Hart.

Splendid.

Now, I'm gonna need to get inside the house

if I'm gonna tie the explosives into the alarm system.

They'll be out shopping tomorrow for the arrival of their guests.

- It won't take me very long. - And when you're finished,

if the Harts, or any of the others, try to escape

through anything connected to the alarm system.

Let's just say it'll be the last things on their minds.

Reva: Look, Max, you could live on this for weeks.

Take my word for it.

I couldn't stand it for an hour.

I told you I get seasick.

Oh, you're so cute.

You just don't have your sea legs yet.

One trip up the coast, and you'll be a veteran.

Yeah, a veteran of foreign wars.

Look, Max, look at this one, the Millionaire. It's perfect.

If you say, "Take my word for it,"

I'm gonna crawl right into my turtleneck.

What's wrong, Max?

Boats, cars, chauffeurs...

I would have been much happier

if I won the tenth prize, the AM/FM clock radio.

But this is your big chance, Max,

the chance to have everything you ever wanted.

I had everything I always wanted, a home,

I had Mr. and Mrs. H,

and I didn't have to wear these clothes.

I'd lose money even on a horse once in a while,

but I didn't have to worry about negative cash flow.

Meat and potatoes, is that it?

What... what am I gonna do with all this stuff?

It ain't my style.

I can't even sit down in my own apartment

unless you're around to help me up.

I do enjoy being around, Max.

Kids.

Well, I... I hadn't really planned.

I'll give my money to orphans,

and then I can go back to my own family.

- Come on, I'll buy you a hamburger. - A hamburger?

A cheeseburger, the works,

uh, pickles, chili, whatever you want. Come on.

You don't like boats, Max.

I have a friend at Van Nuys airport who sells airplanes.

Reva, give me a break.

All right, this is the heart of the system.

Now this remote activates it.

Once it's down, the house will blow up if a door or window is opened.

Once it's up, you can come and go as you please.

What about the timer?

No, button doesn't affect it one way or the other.

But once the timer's set and counts down to zero...

The house explodes.

Very good, Margaret.

All right. Party's tomorrow.

We'll meet the morning after in Switzerland as planned.

That was our arrangement.

Yeah. Well, let's just make sure we remember that.

After all, it was my European office

that found out about the Hart's get together here

and the fact that these officers have the authority

to transfer Hart Industry funds by telephone.

Switzerland.

Good.

I'll check the outside wiring, and then I'm off.

Sorry I barged in unannounced, but the gate was open.

We're having a little problem with the security system.

Mr. Hart requested it should be to repaired.

I dropped by to pick up a couple of my things.

I should have done it last night, but, uh, I sort of forgot.

Yes. We're very busy today,

so if you just, uh, go about your business.

- Right. - We really are very, very busy.

Why aren't you using the regular alarm company?

I phoned them first.

They weren't available at short notice.

You should have called Flick.

He would have straightened you out.

I've used these people before. They're very reliable.

Hiya, Freeway.

I sure missed you.

A... are you going to be much longer?

Okay. I'm going.

I'm going, by the front door.

Freeway, so long. See you later, pal.

You know, Max is going to be a bit of a problem.

He's getting frightfully nosy.

Yes. Max is a loose end.

Two loose ends, including Mr. Parker.

So, Flick, nobody even called you

to check out the Hart security system?

Well, then I better check out this Lok-Tek joint myself.

Hey, you're the guy...

- Jennifer: Margaret? - Yes, madame.

- Has Gordon checked the bar? - Everything's in order, madame.

Good.

- Uh, Margaret. - Madame?

Do you think you could call me something

other than ma... madame?

What have you in mind, uh, madame?

Well, I don't know, something like Mrs. H or Mrs. Hart,

something less formal.

Whatever you wish, Mrs. Hart.

Thank you.

Have you noticed

that she has a way of calling me

Mrs. Hart that sounds exactly like madame?

Hello?

Max: Mr. H?

Uh, hiya, Max. How are you?

Listen, Mr. H. Something came up.

I won't be able to make it to your party tomorrow.

You're not coming? Is something wrong?

It's just that Reva and I have to go up the coast.

Max, uh, Mrs. H and I'd love to have you come to the party.

Why don't you and Reva come to dinner

and then go up the coast afterwards?

Thanks, but I'm sorry, Mr. H. Bye.

- He's not coming. - Oh.

Now, what are we going to do about you?

Man: Yes, I would like to propose a toast

to a marvelous dinner and a terrific hostess.

- Aw. - The only thing better

would have been if you had served sushi.

Sushi?

What an interesting idea.

I don't really need an excuse to fill up

with this wonderful wine,

but another toast is in order

from all of us south of the border.

To Jonathan Hart Industries and the best damn

chairman of the board on any continent.

- Thank you very much, Alice. - Mmm.

Now would everybody like to have coffee in the living room?

My dear, you're right. If I don't get up now,

I will never be able to get up.

Jennifer, dinner was absolutely magnifique.

Oh, thank you.

That dinner was good, but I did miss

the asparagus with Max's mystery sauce.

So did I.

Reva: Max.

Oh, uh, that'll be fine. Just leave it over there.

Thank you.

Max?

Oh, my God, Max.

You should have finished Max there and then.

There wasn't time.

I couldn't just leave the body in his apartment.

I'll take care of him after we finish here.

Ready.

Now, let's deliver the bomb surprise.

You should have seen Micheline at the convention in Cannes.

She had a little too much Dom Pérignon and I...

Nevertheless, I managed to get the contract signed.

That you did.

I've always envied your ability in that area.

Thank you.

She's one of the best negotiators I ever known.

Thank you.

- Oh, coffee. - Excuse me, sir.

- We have a little surprise for you. - Oh.

I'm afraid I must ask you to sit down.

I beg your pardon.

- What is this all about? - $5 million in your London bank.

Sit down, Mr. Hart, Mrs. Hart.

I can't get through.

The phone must be off the hook.

- Max, what's going on? - I don't know.

- I've gotta get to that house. - But... but, Max.

I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Your alarm system has been connected

to a high-powered explosive.

If any of you tries to leave the house

by any door or window,

well, I wouldn't recommend it.

Now you are a unique group.

The four of you together

have the authority to transfer funds by telephone.

I want you to transfer the money to this account.

Swiss.

We'll be out of your way just as soon as the money is transferred.

Now, shall we begin?

How do I know you won't kill us once the transfer is made?

You can be sure we will kill you if you don't begin.

It's Max.

He doesn't know about the explosives.

The button!

Good evening, Max.

Get in there.

Mr. H., what the...

We've been having a little problem with the help, Max.

I can see that.

Good of you to come, Max.

Save me the trouble of going back for you.

Now, can we proceed?

Koji, please make the call.

What's going on?

They've got some explosives tied in with the alarm system.

That's why we can't get out.

But I got in through the door.

He's got a remote that can turn it on and off.

I've got the bank, Jonathan.

Go ahead, Koji.

Transfer $5 million to Zurich,

44655, first key, run 55122, Hart code.

Andre.

- I feel terrible. - You do?

Sit down.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Oh, please, it won't hurt anything.

Just remember, Max,

one false move could be a fatal mistake.

Andre: Second key, order 88831, Hart print.

Alice.

Third key, angel 44564, Hart send.

Fourth key, jackal 55988,

Hart transfer.

It's not done till they signal back.

Now it's done.

And you can return to your seat.

Keep them here.

I should advise you to remain where you are.

I'll reactivate the doors just after we've gone.

But when we're far enough away,

I'll disengage the explosive

and you're free to come and go as you wish.

We'll have to get the keys to the Hart car.

They're coming back.

I need the keys of your car, Mr. Hart.

Before you do that, uh, Chumley,

I suggest you look behind you.

That's very old, sir, and rather tired.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oof.

Ah.

Max, how did you get out?

I took Freeway's way.

It isn't connected to the alarm.

There's a bomb. It's... it's on a timer.

We gotta get out.

- What? - Another bomb on a timer.

We must get outta here.

Get out!

Go on. Get out, everybody.

You're not gonna blow up my house.

It's all I got.

Mr. and Mrs. H, I'll let you out.

No. Go on, get out.

Not without you and Max.

Get out, darling. Go on.

Where is it? Come on. Show me.

Get up.

Come on. Show me.

It's in the fuse box.

Jonathan: Is that how much time we got?

Gordon: Yes, they have to be removed in order.

Well, start taking them out.

I don't know which one.

What do you mean, you don't know which one?

It was Parker who installed the thing...

- Where's Parker? - He's dead.

Any bets?

Try the red one first.

What about the blue one?

I don't know, what about the blue one?

Everything okay, Mrs. H?

The house is fine.

But I think we have to put the Chumleys on ice.

Max: I'll take care of them.

You take care of your guests.

My guests.

What are we gonna serve for dessert?

Max, uh, may we impose upon you?

I thought you'd never ask.

Hey, Max.

You know, it was pretty lonely around here without you.

You know, Max, I've never seen anyone so happy

to lose their millionaire status.

Everything I've ever wanted in the world is right here.

Thank you.

- Want some more wine? - That sounds very nice.

You rang?

You two really don't have to do this.

It's Thanksgiving.

Oh, no, a deal's a deal.

And this is our way of giving thanks.

How was the turkey, sir?

Now that you asked, it was slightly overcooked.

Overcooked?

Don't worry about it. Is there more wine?

- Yes, sir. - Then join us.

- Thank you, sir. - Jennifer: Overcooked?

Well, I thought the turkey was perfect.

We came here to give thanks.

I'll give a toast.

- I'll give notice. - To us.

To us.

To us.