Original subtitles

[Wyatt] Saber-splat!

All righty, skunk bear, relax!

We're gonna make this as painless as possible.

[roars]

- Aah! - Oh!

Oh!

Dude, that smells so bad!

Oh, it smells so bad!

I'm getting subtle hints of toe cheese,

dead hamster, and if I'm not mistaken,

a hint of ripe diaper.

Run!

Conspiracy Club, cameras down.

What are you boys doing out here?

- Pine coning. - School project.

I just ran into these guys.

- Just now. - And what's that you're carrying?

Oh, school supplies from the science lab.

- Yeah. - For the chemistry thing.

Which explains the explosion you just saw.

Unless you didn't see an explosion,

in which case, neither did we.

We did.

- [roar] - There it is again.

What? My tummy?

Your tummy? Really?

Grapefruit.

Your stomach?

I don't think that noise is with your stomach.

Don't underestimate the power of Dante's digestive tract.

- Something doesn't smell right here. - Ow?

Oh, man, something really doesn't smell right here.

Ooh!

Didn't expect this.

[roar]

Why are we going to a boring Conspiracy Club meeting?

We should be out in the woods

barding that funky skunk bear

before the wind shifts toward town.

I'm glad I finally got rid of that skunk bear scent.

So what do you think? Mountain Breeze?

Off a diaper mountain!

We are joining the Conspiracy Club

because they saw us chasing a leak.

We need to keep our enemies close. We need to know what they know.

I hope they never find out we're the ones responsible

for monsters leaking from the Internet.

because if they do, they're gonna tell the whole world

- and then-- - We'd be in deep doo-doo diapers.

Oh, did I just die and go to snack heaven?

You just put that whole thing in your mouth?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. How do you eat muffins?

By taking the wrapper off first.

Hey, guys, thanks for appreciating our bountiful spread.

[whip cracks]

Jim and Davis, stop talking about your ridiculous snacks

- with the defendants! - Uhhh--

defendants?

I swallowed the wrapper.

You told us that you were in the woods for a chemistry project

when if fact none of you even take chemistry.

Technically we--

There have been a lot of strange occurrences in Daventry Hills

and for some reason you three always happen to be there when they happen.

It's just a coinkydink.

A coinkydink! [cracks whip]

I think not!

I'm putting you all on trial.

Wait-- okay, I watch a lot of lawyer shows,

and I'm pretty sure you don't have the authority to put us on trial.

I doubt they have any real evidence.

Exhibit E-- the three of you cavorting

with eccentric billionaire Max Ross,

who is well-known for conducting strange experiments

which have caused town-wide blackouts

when certain people are blow drying their hair.

Exhibit H--

Okay, so they have some real evidence.

The three of you with a very suspicious hairy man.

Objection!

If it was a crime to hang out with weirdoes,

these two would already be in jail.

This doesn't prove anything.

We move for a mistrial.

So we can move to the woods to bard the skunk bear.

Overruled!

Gus, haven't I told you to remove

picture of the naked mole rat 1,000 times?

But they're scary.

You think your out-of-focus pictures of trees are scary.

They are.

And then there's this.

A very grainy video I've captured and saved on my phone

that I'd like to pass around and have everyone take a look at.

Can you explain this?

Ooh...

Come on.

Okay. So they have a lot of real evidence.

Right, and based on the lawyer shows that I've watched,

I suggest that we scream and run away.

I've got a better idea.

I say getting out of here to bard the skunk bear because that's my plan.

- Nope. - Objection!

Will you stop with that?

Your Honor, we would like to enter a plea.

- We would? - Yeah.

And we would like to plead guilty.

What?

Ha!

Ha!

You hear that, everybody?

They're guilty! And who has my phone?

- We are indeed guilty-- - I'm not guilty.

just like all of you are guilty--

guilty of hunting for the truth.

Yes, we also have been investigating these strange occurrences.

Right, guys?

Right.

We're truth hunters. We hunt it, bag it, tag it,

and we put it in the truth zoo.

In the truth zoo.

Yes.

We are not the mystery.

We are investigating the mystery.

That's right.

- I say we join forces. - Yeah.

We don't like each other, right?

True that.

Heretofore wit,

shouldn't you keep your enemies close

and your enemies closer?

Oh, it's getting tense.

Okay, you're in!

Yes!

Okay, now that we're in, we can be part of the sitting around

determining what that strange shadowy object is,

eating some righteous snacks,

and just discussing things.

Oh, we do a lot more than that.

Seriously, where is my phone? Gus, find it!

Okay, now that you're part of the club,

I'll tell you all a little secret.

Iron Mike Stone is going to do a special report

on the strange occurrences at Daventry Hills.

Iron Mike Stone? Like, from the news Iron Mike Stone?

It'll be all over TV.

And being on TV is super important to me.

Thanks to my hard-hitting investigation,

the only speeches the Governor will give now

are to his cell mates in jail.

- This has been another Ironclad report... - We're bort.

We want to bard that skunk bear before we become an Iron Mike story.

Thank you. Finally someone has boarded

the Dante caboose.

Next stop is bard in Leaksville.

All aboard, choo-choo. Here comes the woods.

Going to the woods? We'll join you.

It sounds like perfect Conspiracy Club business.

[laughs]

I can't believe we wasted a whole afternoon

looking at suspicious rocks with the Conspiracy Club.

How are we ever gonna bard that skunk bear if they're always following us?

Don't worry, guys.

I know exactly what to do.

Angie, tell us what to do.

Well, if you want to get rid of Conspiracy Club forever,

You're gonna have to destroy them.

From the inside.

Ooh.

And to do that, you're gonna need to learn--

the Dark Arts.

Dark Arts? Card tricks!

That's awesome! I'm totally down with that.

Not card tricks.

- Is this your card? - That's a business card.

Dr. Cohen, DDS.

You have an appointment for a tooth cleaning tomorrow.

Sweet!

I love those little toys they give out. You know what I'm talking about?

It's like a pacifier, like--

Angie, please continue to be Voldemorty.

Not card tricks. Mind tricks.

It's the ability to turn people against one another

using only words and the power of suggestion.

Mind tricks? Really?

Nobody is gonna fall for that, okay?

Probably not. Certainly not you, Wyatt.

You're really smart. You know what I mean?

Well, okay--

You could probably pull something on Dante and Lyle. Am I right?

- Probably could, yeah. - Wait a minute.

I'm the popular one, okay?

I'm pretty sure I could manipulate people's minds

better than a goofus like you.

Hey, don't hate on me just because I'm smarter than you

and a lot smarter than Dante.

- Oh, sure. What? - I have to agree.

Just because I got my tongue stuck in a hair dryer

- means you're smarter than me? - That's right.

- Really? - I think it does.

No it doesn't. You weren't there and you weren't there.

There was a hair dryer stuck--

You got your tongue stuck in a hair dryer!

[all arguing]

And, mind trick.

- Oh. - Oh!

Oh!

- Now I got it. - Yeah.

That is way cooler than a card trick. Do it to us again.

Hey, Julie. I love your new boots,

no matter what Gretchen and Natalie say about them.

They're just jealous of my princess feet.

- Hey, nice boots. - Save it.

Elephant toes.

First one's on the house, boys.

Go get 'em.

Mind tricks.

[roar]

I'm the responsible adult.

I say we head towards the scary noise.

Uh, yo, Natalie,

I know Mr. Remington is the faculty advisor,

but you're the real leader,

in spite of what Gus has said.

But , listen, shouldn't you be telling us where to go?

Conspiracy Club regroup! This way! Come on!

Let's go. Gus, we will talk later, mister.

- Come on. - That way, Gus.

Come on, let's go.

- The truth is this way. - The truth!

- Is the truth this way? - Are you making fun of me?

- Oh, is this it? - Are you mocking me?

- Ow! - Gus, that was so mean!

Hot cocoa? Please, drink up.

The pack isn't insulated and it's burning my spine.

Whoa. Thank you.

Whoo-hoo! Piping.

You know, you have managed to turn an ordinary monster hunt

into a delightful picnic.

It's really a shame that nobody, especially Gus,

ever appreciates your hard work.

By the way, did you know that he's a pine cone thrower?

Mind tricks.

Hey, Champ, having a bad day?

Everybody hates me for some reason.

Oh, that's not true. It's for a lot of reasons.

But I know how we'll get back at them.

I'll get you a photo that will make them super jealous.

I'm the one who has Natalie's phone. Shh.

Guys, calm down.

Better do as he says or he'll throw a pine cone at you.

This club's finished.

Huzzah, disciples of me, huzzah.

The group is disbanding. Thank you now.

Wow, the plans I'm involved in don't turn out the way I want them to.

Another quest completed by Neverfail.

Now, with them hating on each other,

- we can find and bard that skunk bear. - Yes!

Conspiracy Club, silence!

I have some great news. or should I say

great news reporter?

Hi. I'm Iron Mike Stone

and I'm here at Daventry Hills High,

where a conspiracy club has unearthed

but what else, a conspiracy,

all thanks to an amazing photo

taken by this young boy Russ.

- It's Gus. - Oh, smackeroni and cheese!

Take it again from the top.

Gus. Right? Gus?

Okay. Gus. Gus. Gus.

So how did Gus get that shot?

Not a clue. I am so surprised.

Thanks for taking that photo, Dante.

I'm gonna be famous.

Now that's how plans I'm involved with usually end up.

- Angie? - No.

I think I know how we'll fix it.

For months, residents of Daventry Hills

have been complaining to local authorities

about strange slights and sounds.

I said "slights" didn't I?

[laughs] "Slights and sounds"! Oh!

I should have gone to college.

Come on, Iron Mike, turn it on. You the man! Come on!

Show time, guys. You in position?

Can just say one last time

hoe much of a terrible idea this is?

And can I just say how unbelievably awesome

of a terrible idea it is?

Ew, I'm gonna have to wear that

and now it's gonna smell like wet triple Cheese-O's!

Okay, just get yourself captured.

We'll unmask you and everybody will think the skunk bear is a hoax.

And then no matter what evidence the club finds,

no one will ever believe them ever again.

Hey, everyone, big news! Oh!

- Oh! - Wow.

Uh, what's going on?

Jim and Davis caught the creature!

The snack boys caught it!

Casual move.

- That was fast. - Good job, guys.

Good job with what?

[roar]

Help me! I don't want to be a monster snack!

What is going on over there? Are we taking a snack break?

Nerds!

...some sort of vicious monster.

Two brave boys put themselves at risk

by heading off into the woods alone.

Let's just do what we do best.

I'm gonna panic. You figure it out.

We need to switch the skunk bears.

Okay, club, let's get this creature back to Iron Mike's van,

which has better lighting for my skin tone anyway.

I'm gonna be on TV.

[Angie] It smells like triple Cheese-O's in here!

[Dante] You just better come up with a plan for the switch, okay?

Because it's about to get ripe in this costume!

[Angie] About to? This thing already smells like an armpit factory!

[Dante crying]

Okay, help me draw them away from here.

Start howling.

[weak howling]

[howl]

I just heard another one!

Over there! You guys should go get him.

We'll stay here and guard the skunk bear.

I mean strange-looking creature of unknown name and origin.

Why don't you go get him and I'll guard the creature.

Because you are the leader.

You, you have to catch one yourself,

like on camera. Right?

Right!

Iron Mike, this way.

That way.

Okay, good job, guys.

Now sneak back here and we'll make the switch.

[Dante] Roger that, Commander! I'm on your six.

That's under your seven and above your five.

Hey, skunk bear, how you doing?

[Natalie] Come on, guys! I think it's over here!

[Angie] We would have lost them sooner if you could run straight!

- Get him! Get him! - [Dante] What do we do?

[Angie] Run! Run straight, okay? I'm getting dizzy.

[Dante] I can't, 'cause your toes are in my mouth right now.

I can't see with your feet in my face!

[Angie] I'm just trying to hold myself up!

Got my big bear stick.

- Go go. - Hurry up, come on.

Ready?

There we go.

Go eat squirrels!

Aaagh!

Okay, come on.

There you go.

[howl]

[Dante] I think we lost them!

[Angie] Good! Now how do I get rid of you?

He's so gonna eat 'em.

[Angie] Why is that thing still here?

And why is he looking at us like that?

What is he-- oh, careful, careful.

[Wyatt] So, should we try and stop him?

No.

Lyle doesn't get in the way of love.

[Dante] I love lilies!

[karate scream]

Not good!

I caught him! Did you get that?

- I'm famous! - The camera's rolling.

Uh! Oh, awesome! Am I on TV? Hey! Hey, Barbara!

- [Lyle] Oh, no. - Dante, what are you doing?

A hoax! This is nothing but a hoax!

- Yep. - Yep.

- Both monsters are hoaxes. - Yeah.

Totally both of them are.

You guys ruined everything!

Who's this, huh? Reggie?

I can't believe you'd pull off something like this!

Oh, save it for Halloween!

Where's the zipper on this stupid monster costume?

No!

Aaagh!

Come on, Reggie. Show's over.

Shut it down. Shut it down.

I can't believe it.

I thought we were on to a real monster this time.

But it was just another bit of fakery.

I'm getting out of here. It stinks.

This isn't over. This is not over!

No, wait, Iron Mike!

Something really is going on here!

We have other evidence!

We have pictures of trees!

Wait, Natalie, I have your phone!

Whew.

Well, that went exactly not as planned.

- It's kind of my specialty. - It's good.

[roar]

Yo, we better go bard that skunk bear.

Tulte Minelli?

Wait. Where's Wyatt?

[Angie] Well, we've tried tomato juice, vinegar, car wax,

and none of it gets the stink off.

But the wax did make him nice and shiny.

That's it. I think it's time to go to the booty box.

Yeah.

Sort of antiperspirant.

Oh!

- Uh, uh-- - This is gonna cut the stink right off of you.

I hope that is all it cuts!

Don't worry. This thing right here is perfectly safe.

[all scream]

Woops!

Okay, here we go...