Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

HE YAWNS Dickie, we've been sat in silence

for over half an hour now, staring at the back of Gary's head.

Yeah, I'm nearly done, babes.

Okey dokey. And there we have it.

And that is how you do drag make-up to a professional standard.

Thank you for volunteering, Gary.

I don't actually remember volunt...

OK, so now that Gary is a drag queen,

he's going to need a drag-queen name.

So have a good look at Gary

and tell me what you think his drag name would be.

Hm? Any suggestions?

Donna Kebab.

It's good, Harrison, but it's not the one.

Yeah. Mm?

Er, Trish Kebab?

No.

Clare Kebab?

No, nothing to do with kebabs.

No, in actual fact,

Gary's official drag name would be

Sue Syphilis.

Oh, yeah. THEY MURMUR APPROVAL

Yeah, there we go, yeah.

Well, thank you all for coming today,

and, well, I guess I'll see you all tonight

at the first-ever LGBTQ+ Network social.

And remember, it's a Wizard Of Oz theme,

so I want to see an effort, please.

Er, sorry, Dickie, is it compulsory?

Only if you're not homophobic.

HE LAUGHS

Any more questions?

Yeah, I've got a question. Mm-hm?

Why is there no straight network?

What?

It's the same with gay Pride.

You know, there's no straight Pride,

so why do you need a gay Pride?

You want to know why we need Pride, Trev?

I'll tell you.

We need Pride because queer people

have been persecuted for decades.

We need it because we still can't walk down the street

holding the hands of the people we love

without looking over our shoulders

in case there's someone there to beat the shit out of us.

We need it because trans people's very existence

is still being debated,

and we need it because, in certain parts of the world,

there are literally people getting stoned to death just for being gay.

Pride isn't just a gay party, Trev,

it's a fight -

a fight for our right to simply exist!

Yeah, right, all right. I get all of that bollocks.

But if you want equality like you say you do,

then surely there should be a straight network.

You what? A straight network.

Well, set one up yourself, then, Trev.

Eh? Set one up yourself. Go for your life, see if I care.

All right, then - I will.

I'll set one up, and it'll actually be fun, not just boring lectures.

Oh, I'll join. And me.

MUFFLED: Well, I will, as well, yeah. Er, excuse me!

Did you not just hear my impassioned gay speech?

Here, what are you wearing tonight, then?

Well...

# I'm here for a good time Not a long time

# So make me feel alive Come on

# I'm here for a good time Not a long time

# So make me feel alive Come on

# I'm here for a good time Not a long time

# Come on Make me feel alive... #

Cheers, queers! ALL: Cheers.

Ee, I'm proper getting on it tonight, me.

Oh, yeah. Me, too! Absolutely.

What about you, Stewart? Are you getting on it?

Or are you not getting on it?

I might not be getting on it too much, to be honest, Mam.

I booked an art exhibition at Mima in the morning.

Right, well, my DJ set's about to start upstairs

in a couple of minutes. Any special requests?

Anything by Enya, please, Mam.

Oooh, can I borrow these earrings, Dickie, hon?

Oh, er, 'fraid not, babes.

Eh, why? The last time you borrowed my jewellery, you lost it.

What are you even on about? My heart of the ocean necklace.

You threw it in the river.

You were the one who threw it in the river!

Regardless of who threw it in the river,

I'm now left without a heart.

Oh, stop fighting, you two.

You know what time it is?

Ee, no, what time is it, Mam?

It's time we put on our ruby slippers,

clicked our heels,

and got to the Emerald friggin' City!

THEY CHEER

# Padam, padam I hear it and I know

# Padam, padam I know you wanna take me home

# Padam And get to know me close

# Padam, padam When your heart goes

# Padam, padam I hear it and I know... #

Fuck me, I've gone blind.

I have a feeling we're not in Boro any more.

Sorry I'm late. I'm surprised to see you, Elaine,

after you called in sick today.

Oh. Right.

SHE COUGHS

Mama needs some medicine!

Ah! Excuse me.

Sorry. You scared me.

Oh! No way!

HE LAUGHS

Can I ask what you've come as?

Erm, yeah, erm...

I'm meant to be the Scarecrow. Yeah.

I'm afraid that's impossible...

..cos I'M the Scarecrow.

Well, I guess there might be a few Scarecrows tonight,

you know, with the whole Wizard Of Oz theme.

Over my dead fucking body.

Right. I just need to...to go, yeah.

Er, Penni, what the fucking hell's this?

Just got another booking in.

What of it? Do you not think it's a bit inappropriate to take

a booking for a straight network in a gay bar?

I don't mind straight people, me, babes.

Some of my best mates are straight.

Er, what are you doing, Trev? This is a gay bar.

You've literally got every Slug & Lettuce in the world

to do your straight network event.

It's a free, equal country, isn't it?

Besides, don't you know what day it is today?

No, I don't know what day it is today.

It's only bloody Straight Pride. Wahey!

PARTY WHISTLE HONKS

Dickhead.

# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now

# Hot right now Turn it up right now

# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now... #

Still feeling sick, Elaine?

Yes, I'm feeling sick.

Sick of the third degree.

Whoa-ay-oh!

Is everybody having an absolutely incredible time

at the LGBTQ+ Network social?

OK. Er, it's about to get even better!

"DO THE CONGA" INTRO PLAYS

Conga!

Join on.

# Do, do, do Come on and do the conga

# Choo, choo, choo... # Join on.

# It's conga night for sure

# It's conga, it's conga night So join the party, everyone... #

Join on.

# The night has just begun

# And we're all having fun tonight

# Dance that conga till you drop... #

Join on.

# You better hang on tight

# So everybody do, do, do Come on and do the conga... #

JOIN ON!

# ..a train across the floor... #

This is the funnest conga that I've ever been involved in.

It's not too late to join the Land of Oz, Trev.

I'm all good in Kansas, thanks, mate.

Suit yourself, babe.

Here, Neil, it's a conga.

Ooh, conga!

All right, Trev? Now, then, Neil, happy Straight Pride!

Oh, is it Straight Pride today?

Oh, I would've worn me cargo shorts if I'd realised.

Here you go, hon. Now, then, Lucinda, always a pleasure.

Hello, Trev.

I take it you've told her, then, mate?

Told me what? Oops! My bad.

STERNLY: Told me what?

Er, well, erm... Well, you might as well just show her now.

Come on.

Are you actually kidding me?

Lucinda, it's not what it looks like.

It's a tattoo of your ex's name.

OK, it is kind of what it looks like,

but I didn't choose it.

We were playing tattoo roulette.

What the hell is tattoo roulette? Oh, it's hilarious.

You'd love it. You secretly choose a tattoo for a mate,

then they have to get it tattooed onto them.

Obviously didn't know what it was until I saw it.

Why on earth would you get him a tattoo of his ex's name?

Well, if I'm being completely honest,

I just think that Neil and Tanya are more suited to each other.

You're not helping, Trev. It was a game.

A very stupid game.

Look, I had to get him one, as well.

Well, that's a really nice one.

Thank you very much.

Why didn't you get him a massive one right across his back

of, like, a big turd or a hairy ball sack,

or a rotting toenail, or a deer that's been run over by a lorry

and its guts are splattered all over the road

and all the baby deer are sat around the corpse crying?

I guess I didn't really think.

Grrr!

Oh, Lucinda, please!

Oh, let her go, mate.

Look, if she can't take a small tattoo of your ex's name,

then she's not worth it.

Hey, now that you're single,

do you want me to see if Tanya will go for a drink with you?

Not cool, Trev.

Lucinda, please!

# I keep dancing on my own I keep... #

Fucking hell.

Sapphires, I can feel the energy tonight and I frigging love it!

THEY CHEER AND WHISTLE

Now, I'm here all night, so any requests,

come and see your Mam.

Anything goes, as long as it's camp as tits.

THEY CHEER

# With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride

# You're toxic I'm slipping under... #

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

Get up there, you bastard!

MUSIC: Toxic by Britney Spears

MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT

What's happened to me decks?

SQUEALING

I...

..am...

..Oz!

Penni, what's going on?

Where are my heterosexuals at tonight?

Er...

We're here, we're straight,

we're really fucking great.

Hang on.

I recognise that voice.

Stop where you are!

Back away from the curtain!

Turn, turn.

Surprise!

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Happy Straight Pride, bitches!

# Aaa-gaaa-do, do, do... #

Nan, my man! Thank you so much for stepping in last minute

for Straight Pride.

Anything for a good cause, flower.

What the hell are you doing here?

I've got a DJ gig.

A girl's got to eat, ain't she?

It's impossible! I've been booked to DJ the whole night.

The world doesn't revolve around you!

Even though there is a gravitational pull

around that big fat arse of yours.

HISSING

Oh! Ugh! Ah!

SHE LAUGHS

Ah! It burns!

What the hell is she doing, Penni?

I thought I was the only DJ on tonight.

Don't get me involved, Mam.

I'm not going to be the bigot that shuts down Straight Pride.

HE LAUGHS

Right, then, you fucking legends!

Happy Straight Pride.

The drinks are on me tonight! And help yourself to a badge.

ALL: Ooh!

Ee, that's a lot of badges, Elaine.

What are you, the badge police?

What the fuck, Gary?

It was a lot of badges.

CHANTING

Come on!

BELL RINGS

SHE ROARS VICTORIOUSLY

Bring us more... WARPED: ...shots!

HE ROARS

How are you feeling about Trev taking over your social event

and showing everyone a much better time?

Surprisingly not great, Moira.

Well, I'll sit with you for a bit, out of pity,

but Trev said we're playing beer pong soon

and I've genuinely never felt more excited.

Wow. I'm eternally grateful, babes.

Oi, Moira, are you in on this beer pong or what?

Go on, then. Piss off.

You, uh... You're not joining the beer pong

over at Straight Pride, Marcus?

No, no, no, I'm not a big beer drinker, really.

Oh, how's...? How's your gay son on getting on?

Oh, he's still gay, thank you. Oh, that's good.

Mind if I join? Where have you been?

Blame Bobby. He loves making me late.

Loving the costume.

What are you meant to be?

I'm a slutty tin man.

Well, it suits you.

What are you after, Harrison? Why are you being nice to me?

I'm just being friendly.

Also, if I'm being honest,

I'm so bored of the awkwardness between us.

We see each other every day at work.

Isn't it time we put all this behind us now?

I suppose you're right.

Here, do you remember that night we came here

and there was that gadgie singing Defying Gravity on karaoke?

And when he went for the high note, his dentures popped out.

Oh, my God, that was funny as fuck. I was dying.

MARCUS LAUGHS

Indeed!

Haway, then, babe. I want to go dance.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

CHEERING

Let's have it!

Lads, lads, lads!

Uh, Stewart, you're a scraggly little gay lad.

Why are you at Straight Pride? Sorry, Dickie.

Turns out I just really love beer pong.

Straight Pride is for everyone, Dicky.

All lives matter.

Now, now, boys.

CHEERING

Yes! Yes, come on!

And another thing, there's bloody green face paint

everywhere upstairs!

She's not even a very good DJ.

I bet you she plays Sweet Caroline at least five times tonight.

And you know what really pisses me off?

Firstly, I want to apologise.

No... Um, let me just start by saying I know

what I did was wrong, but just hear me out.

I know I'm the last person you want to see, but...

Get this lot down your necks!

As long as you lot are in my network,

you won't pay a penny for a drink tonight.

CHEERING

Hey, I tell you what.

You wouldn't get this in the gay network, would you?

Listen up, everyone.

Somebody in this bar tonight has stolen my look.

GASPING

There's only one scarecrow, and it's me.

The one standing there is a fake.

Shame on you.

MUSIC: Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis

Knock, knock. Any scary scarecrows in there?

He's not here.

You all right, Sal? What are you doing down here?

Tell you the truth, I'm a bit stressed about Danni.

Ah.

I know I need to break up with her,

but every time I try to do it, something stops me.

I'm such a coward. Hey, you're not a coward, Sal.

It'd be hard for anyone in your situation.

You've been with her for years.

I just wish I had a bit more courage.

You have plenty of courage, Sal.

And if I learned anything from coming out,

it's that the more you think

about doing something scary, the longer you'll put it off.

You know what, Stew? I think I just found it.

What? My courage.

It was at the bottom of that ninth pint.

I'm going to go and do it now before I chicken out.

Ee, go on, Sal! I'm buzzing for you.

You coming back up? No, I think I'll just stay down here for a bit.

Suit yourself, babe.

Oh, my God.

Actually, I think I might head back up.

Don't be scared. Don't be scared. Don't be scared.

Er... Sorry, Gary, I thought you said you were having

a nice time at the LGBTQ+ Network social.

So why on earth have you come over here?

Oh, sorry, Dickie. I just heard there was free drinks in this area

and, well, money's a bit tight at the moment.

Yeah, I don't need a sob story, Gary.

I need an ally. Oi! Leave him alone.

Gary wants to be over here. Isn't that right, Gary?

Well, um... He's only over here

because you're bribing him with free drinks.

He'd prefer to be over there. Isn't that right, Gary?

Well, I just feel that maybe

I could move between both areas.

Get to f...

Nah. You're joking, aren't you? Sorry. Impossible, I'm afraid.

Gay or straight? Sorry?

Gay or straight?

Oh, um, well, I'm very much an ally,

but I suppose I'm straight.

Straight Pride to the back of the room.

Oh, well, actually, I was just looking for someone.

It's buy one, get one free on spirits and mixers tonight, babes.

Oh, no. I'm OK. Thanks.

He wants to be in the gay network, don't you, Gary?

No, he wants to be in the straight network, don't you, Gary?

I don't mind either way!

Dance, my pretties!

SIGHING

Down here, you bastard.

# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight

# Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?

# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight... #

AIR HORN, MUSIC STOPS

Is everyone feeling hetero tonight?

MUSIC PLAYS

# When the pretty birds have flown

# Honey, I'm still free... #

# When the pretty... #

CACKLING

# When the pretty... #

COUGHING

MUSIC CHANGES RAPIDLY

Oi! Pack it in!

COUGHING

You two are going to have to decide amongst yourselves who's DJing

cos I'm not having this all night!

Well, it's my face on the poster,

so she can just fickety-fuckety all the way home.

I've been booked for this important charity event, which helps support

the poor unfortunate heterosexuals of Teesside,

so I think we can all agree who should stay - hm? -

and who should go.

NAN LAUGHS

Ta-ta, Mam!

What the bloody hell's she doing here?

Please talk to me.

There's nothing to talk about.

You took my son away from me!

CROWD GASP No, you can't keep running away!

It's not what it sounds like.

Er... Who's for Sweet Caroline?

CHEERING

Do you want a shot for a fiver, babe?

No.

I think I should probably go, actually.

MONARCHY SIGHS

Suit yourself.

# I've been inclined... #

Are you OK, flower?

MUSIC: Alright by Supergrass

Hey!

Go on, get some of that down ya.

LAUGHTER

Trev, a word, please.

Ooh!

You're doing this on purpose.

What was that, mate?

Trying to overshadow my LGBTQ+ Network social.

I don't know what you're talking about, Dickie.

It's quite simply a massive coincidence that you've

decided to host your gay event at the same place that we happen

to be celebrating Straight Pride!

You're a liar, Trev.

You're just doing this because you can't bear us gays having a voice.

It's got nothing to do with the gays, Dickie.

I love the gays, me!

What's the point in all this pettiness?

It's you, mate.

Me?

You think you can mince around the office controlling everyone,

making us go to your stupid little meetings,

forcing us to your pathetic little outings.

Well, two can play at that game, lad.

Hiya, mate! You all right?

Time to pay your tab, babe. Oh, yeah.

What's the matter, babes?

You ordered a few too many, er, bribes?

Ah, it's getting late. I think I'd better, er...

Penni! You've got a runner!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Fucking hell.

Pay up, prick!

MUSIC: Only Time by Enya

You smell wonderful, Elaine.

You keep stepping on my feet.

Sorry.

No.

I like it.

Don't smile, Gary. It's creepy.

TREVOR GROANS

Pay up!

I'll get me wallet! I'll get me wallet!

Ee, what a bloody night.

How are you feeling, Mam?

I don't really know, to be honest, chick.

Do you think it's worth hearing what she has to say?

I don't really know, to be honest, chick.

Why do you think she's back?

Oh, she doesn't really know! Leave her be!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh.

Oh, what happened with the other Scarecrow, Stewart?

That was all a bit weird, wasn't it?

Ee, I'm not sure.

I think he...must have left before we did.

Oh, Sal. Oh, Sal.

How'd it go?

I mean, it wasn't great, lads, but it's done.

Aww.

Sorry, Sal, can I just check?

You, er... You went and broke up with Danni dressed like that?

Yeah.

Good for you, girl!

Are you, er... Are you sleeping here tonight?

If you don't mind, Mam.

Course not, chick.

You can stay as long as you like.

'Ere, do you know what's funny?

What?

Stewart went really method tonight with his Scarecrow costume cos...

..cos he doesn't have a brain!

THEY CHUCKLE

I... I don't get it.

You know, like...like the film.

Oh...

I've actually never seen it.

Ha-ha, very funny.

Can you let me in now, please?

Dickie?

Mam?

HEAVY BREATHING

HE SCREAMS

# Who can say where the road goes?

# Where the day flows?

# Only time

# And who can say if your love grows

# As your heart chose?

# Only time... #