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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,480
This programme contains some
strong language
2
00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,120
HE YAWNS
Dickie, we've been sat in silence
3
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,640
for over half an hour now,
staring at the back of Gary's head.
4
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,680
Yeah, I'm nearly done, babes.
5
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:29,600
Okey dokey. And there we have it.
6
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:34,280
And that is how you do drag make-up
to a professional standard.
7
00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:36,120
Thank you for volunteering, Gary.
8
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,120
I don't actually remember volunt...
9
00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:41,160
OK, so now that Gary
is a drag queen,
10
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,760
he's going to need
a drag-queen name.
11
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,600
So have a good look at Gary
12
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:49,640
and tell me what you think
his drag name would be.
13
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,480
Hm? Any suggestions?
14
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:54,000
Donna Kebab.
15
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,400
It's good, Harrison,
but it's not the one.
16
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,000
Yeah. Mm?
17
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,800
Er, Trish Kebab?
18
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:01,840
No.
19
00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,240
Clare Kebab?
20
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:05,720
No, nothing to do with kebabs.
21
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:07,320
No, in actual fact,
22
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:10,920
Gary's official
drag name would be
23
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,840
Sue Syphilis.
24
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,800
Oh, yeah.
THEY MURMUR APPROVAL
25
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,680
Yeah, there we go, yeah.
26
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,080
Well, thank you all
for coming today,
27
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,600
and, well, I guess
I'll see you all tonight
28
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:28,120
at the first-ever
LGBTQ+ Network social.
29
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,800
And remember,
it's a Wizard Of Oz theme,
30
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,240
so I want to see an effort, please.
31
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:37,000
Er, sorry, Dickie,
is it compulsory?
32
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,920
Only if you're not homophobic.
33
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,360
HE LAUGHS
34
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,840
Any more questions?
35
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,320
Yeah, I've got a question. Mm-hm?
36
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,400
Why is there no straight network?
37
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,560
What?
38
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:47,800
It's the same with gay Pride.
39
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,560
You know, there's no
straight Pride,
40
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:51,040
so why do you need a gay Pride?
41
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,760
You want to know why
we need Pride, Trev?
42
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,600
I'll tell you.
43
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,720
We need Pride because queer people
44
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:04,840
have been persecuted for decades.
45
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:08,160
We need it because we still
can't walk down the street
46
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,040
holding the hands of
the people we love
47
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:11,880
without looking over our shoulders
48
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,240
in case there's someone there
to beat the shit out of us.
49
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,120
We need it because
trans people's very existence
50
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,360
is still being debated,
51
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,560
and we need it because,
in certain parts of the world,
52
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,760
there are literally people getting
stoned to death just for being gay.
53
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:31,120
Pride isn't just a gay party, Trev,
54
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,800
it's a fight -
55
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:36,200
a fight for our right
to simply exist!
56
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,960
Yeah, right, all right.
I get all of that bollocks.
57
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,600
But if you want equality
like you say you do,
58
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,320
then surely there should be
a straight network.
59
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,760
You what? A straight network.
60
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,800
Well, set one up
yourself, then, Trev.
61
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,600
Eh? Set one up yourself.
Go for your life, see if I care.
62
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,160
All right, then - I will.
63
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,720
I'll set one up, and it'll actually
be fun, not just boring lectures.
64
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,960
Oh, I'll join. And me.
65
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,000
MUFFLED: Well, I will,
as well, yeah. Er, excuse me!
66
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,280
Did you not just hear
my impassioned gay speech?
67
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,840
Here, what are you
wearing tonight, then?
68
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,080
Well...
69
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,680
# I'm here for a good time
Not a long time
70
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,120
# So make me feel alive
Come on
71
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:24,200
# I'm here for a good time
Not a long time
72
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,600
# So make me feel alive
Come on
73
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,760
# I'm here for a good time
Not a long time
74
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,560
# Come on
Make me feel alive... #
75
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,160
Cheers, queers!
ALL: Cheers.
76
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,840
Ee, I'm proper getting
on it tonight, me.
77
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,880
Oh, yeah. Me, too! Absolutely.
78
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,960
What about you, Stewart?
Are you getting on it?
79
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,280
Or are you not getting on it?
80
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:50,120
I might not be getting on it
too much, to be honest, Mam.
81
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,600
I booked an art exhibition
at Mima in the morning.
82
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,880
Right, well, my DJ set's
about to start upstairs
83
00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,240
in a couple of minutes.
Any special requests?
84
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,920
Anything by Enya, please, Mam.
85
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,880
Oooh, can I borrow these
earrings, Dickie, hon?
86
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,520
Oh, er, 'fraid not, babes.
87
00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:12,160
Eh, why? The last time you
borrowed my jewellery, you lost it.
88
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,920
What are you even on about?
My heart of the ocean necklace.
89
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,000
You threw it in the river.
90
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,520
You were the one who threw it
in the river!
91
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,440
Regardless of who threw it
in the river,
92
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:21,000
I'm now left without a heart.
93
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,040
Oh, stop fighting, you two.
94
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,760
You know what time it is?
95
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:26,280
Ee, no, what time is it, Mam?
96
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,320
It's time we put on
our ruby slippers,
97
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:29,480
clicked our heels,
98
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,360
and got to the
Emerald friggin' City!
99
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:33,400
THEY CHEER
100
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:43,240
# Padam, padam
I hear it and I know
101
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:47,400
# Padam, padam
I know you wanna take me home
102
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,720
# Padam
And get to know me close
103
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,880
# Padam, padam
When your heart goes
104
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,320
# Padam, padam
I hear it and I know... #
105
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,920
Fuck me, I've gone blind.
106
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,760
I have a feeling we're not
in Boro any more.
107
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:15,480
Sorry I'm late.
I'm surprised to see you, Elaine,
108
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,640
after you called in sick today.
109
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,840
Oh. Right.
110
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,960
SHE COUGHS
111
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,160
Mama needs some medicine!
112
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,520
Ah! Excuse me.
113
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,320
Sorry. You scared me.
114
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,080
Oh! No way!
115
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,080
HE LAUGHS
116
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,400
Can I ask what you've come as?
117
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,240
Erm, yeah, erm...
118
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,840
I'm meant to be the Scarecrow. Yeah.
119
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,040
I'm afraid that's impossible...
120
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,280
..cos I'M the Scarecrow.
121
00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,000
Well, I guess there might be
a few Scarecrows tonight,
122
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,680
you know, with the whole
Wizard Of Oz theme.
123
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,920
Over my dead fucking body.
124
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,320
Right. I just need to...to go, yeah.
125
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,800
Er, Penni,
what the fucking hell's this?
126
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,040
Just got another booking in.
127
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,320
What of it? Do you not think it's
a bit inappropriate to take
128
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,920
a booking for a straight network
in a gay bar?
129
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,720
I don't mind straight people,
me, babes.
130
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,160
Some of my best mates are straight.
131
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:42,160
Er, what are you doing, Trev?
This is a gay bar.
132
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,200
You've literally got every
Slug & Lettuce in the world
133
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,560
to do your straight network event.
134
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,440
It's a free,
equal country, isn't it?
135
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,560
Besides, don't you know
what day it is today?
136
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,920
No, I don't know
what day it is today.
137
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,960
It's only bloody Straight Pride.
Wahey!
138
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,520
PARTY WHISTLE HONKS
139
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:58,920
Dickhead.
140
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:09,560
# You know you're only in it
cos it's hot right now
141
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,600
# Hot right now
Turn it up right now
142
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:15,240
# Put your hands in the air
if you want it right now... #
143
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:16,920
Still feeling sick, Elaine?
144
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,040
Yes, I'm feeling sick.
145
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,680
Sick of the third degree.
146
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:24,880
Whoa-ay-oh!
147
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:28,240
Is everybody having an
absolutely incredible time
148
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,320
at the LGBTQ+ Network social?
149
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:37,320
OK. Er, it's about
to get even better!
150
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:38,880
"DO THE CONGA" INTRO PLAYS
151
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,800
Conga!
152
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,200
Join on.
153
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:49,280
# Do, do, do
Come on and do the conga
154
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,720
# Choo, choo, choo... #
Join on.
155
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,160
# It's conga night for sure
156
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:56,680
# It's conga, it's conga night
So join the party, everyone... #
157
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,040
Join on.
158
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,280
# The night has just begun
159
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,880
# And we're all having fun tonight
160
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,600
# Dance that conga
till you drop... #
161
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,280
Join on.
162
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,400
# You better hang on tight
163
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:14,720
# So everybody do, do, do
Come on and do the conga... #
164
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,080
JOIN ON!
165
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,280
# ..a train across the floor... #
166
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,680
This is the funnest conga that
I've ever been involved in.
167
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,400
It's not too late to join
the Land of Oz, Trev.
168
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,360
I'm all good in Kansas,
thanks, mate.
169
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:35,760
Suit yourself, babe.
170
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,920
Here, Neil, it's a conga.
171
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,240
Ooh, conga!
172
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:45,160
All right, Trev? Now, then,
Neil, happy Straight Pride!
173
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,240
Oh, is it Straight Pride today?
174
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,520
Oh, I would've worn me cargo shorts
if I'd realised.
175
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:53,520
Here you go, hon. Now, then,
Lucinda, always a pleasure.
176
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:54,640
Hello, Trev.
177
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,240
I take it you've
told her, then, mate?
178
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,400
Told me what? Oops! My bad.
179
00:08:58,400 --> 00:08:59,800
STERNLY: Told me what?
180
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,920
Er, well, erm... Well, you might
as well just show her now.
181
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,200
Come on.
182
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,280
Are you actually kidding me?
183
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,720
Lucinda, it's not
what it looks like.
184
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:12,360
It's a tattoo of your ex's name.
185
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,520
OK, it is kind of
what it looks like,
186
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,960
but I didn't choose it.
187
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,040
We were playing tattoo roulette.
188
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,040
What the hell is tattoo roulette?
Oh, it's hilarious.
189
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:24,480
You'd love it. You secretly
choose a tattoo for a mate,
190
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,720
then they have to get it
tattooed onto them.
191
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,120
Obviously didn't know
what it was until I saw it.
192
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,680
Why on earth would you get him
a tattoo of his ex's name?
193
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,560
Well, if I'm being
completely honest,
194
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:36,720
I just think that Neil and Tanya
are more suited to each other.
195
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,600
You're not helping, Trev.
It was a game.
196
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,640
A very stupid game.
197
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,520
Look, I had to get him one, as well.
198
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,720
Well, that's a really nice one.
199
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,520
Thank you very much.
200
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,000
Why didn't you get him a massive one
right across his back
201
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,160
of, like, a big turd
or a hairy ball sack,
202
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,520
or a rotting toenail, or a deer
that's been run over by a lorry
203
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,360
and its guts are splattered
all over the road
204
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,920
and all the baby deer are
sat around the corpse crying?
205
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,200
I guess I didn't really think.
206
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,560
Grrr!
207
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:08,720
Oh, Lucinda, please!
208
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:09,840
Oh, let her go, mate.
209
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,840
Look, if she can't take a small
tattoo of your ex's name,
210
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,240
then she's not worth it.
211
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,440
Hey, now that you're single,
212
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,000
do you want me to see if Tanya
will go for a drink with you?
213
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,720
Not cool, Trev.
214
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,760
Lucinda, please!
215
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:28,280
# I keep dancing on my own
I keep... #
216
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,680
Fucking hell.
217
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:38,400
Sapphires, I can feel the energy
tonight and I frigging love it!
218
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,080
THEY CHEER AND WHISTLE
219
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,800
Now, I'm here all night,
so any requests,
220
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,480
come and see your Mam.
221
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:48,040
Anything goes,
as long as it's camp as tits.
222
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,400
THEY CHEER
223
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,400
# With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
224
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,560
# You're toxic
I'm slipping under... #
225
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,280
MANIACAL LAUGHTER
226
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,360
Get up there, you bastard!
227
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:07,920
MUSIC: Toxic by Britney Spears
228
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,720
MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT
229
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,240
What's happened to me decks?
230
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,960
SQUEALING
231
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,840
I...
232
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,520
..am...
233
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,000
..Oz!
234
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,320
Penni, what's going on?
235
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:33,440
Where are my heterosexuals
at tonight?
236
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,920
Er...
237
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,640
We're here, we're straight,
238
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,640
we're really fucking great.
239
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,320
Hang on.
240
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,560
I recognise that voice.
241
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,520
Stop where you are!
242
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,200
Back away from the curtain!
243
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,080
Turn, turn.
244
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,720
Surprise!
245
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:02,200
SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
246
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:06,000
Happy Straight Pride, bitches!
247
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,520
# Aaa-gaaa-do, do, do... #
248
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,360
Nan, my man! Thank you so much
for stepping in last minute
249
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,840
for Straight Pride.
250
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:17,600
Anything for a good cause, flower.
251
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,200
What the hell are you doing here?
252
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,320
I've got a DJ gig.
253
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,360
A girl's got to eat, ain't she?
254
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:26,280
It's impossible! I've been booked
to DJ the whole night.
255
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,080
The world doesn't revolve
around you!
256
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,440
Even though there is
a gravitational pull
257
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,920
around that big fat arse of yours.
258
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:37,480
HISSING
259
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:37,480
Oh! Ugh! Ah!
260
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,560
SHE LAUGHS
261
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,520
Ah! It burns!
262
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,400
What the hell is she doing, Penni?
263
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,160
I thought I was
the only DJ on tonight.
264
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,320
Don't get me involved, Mam.
265
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,160
I'm not going to be the bigot
that shuts down Straight Pride.
266
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,560
HE LAUGHS
267
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,880
Right, then, you fucking legends!
268
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,600
Happy Straight Pride.
269
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:04,120
The drinks are on me tonight!
And help yourself to a badge.
270
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:05,560
ALL: Ooh!
271
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,320
Ee, that's a lot of badges, Elaine.
272
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,720
What are you, the badge police?
273
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,800
What the fuck, Gary?
274
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,120
It was a lot of badges.
275
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:26,480
CHANTING
276
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,880
Come on!
277
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,040
BELL RINGS
278
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:35,600
SHE ROARS VICTORIOUSLY
279
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:41,920
Bring us more...
WARPED: ...shots!
280
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,640
HE ROARS
281
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,680
How are you feeling about Trev
taking over your social event
282
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:51,880
and showing everyone
a much better time?
283
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,960
Surprisingly not great, Moira.
284
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,800
Well, I'll sit with you
for a bit, out of pity,
285
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,240
but Trev said we're playing
beer pong soon
286
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,680
and I've genuinely
never felt more excited.
287
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,360
Wow. I'm eternally grateful, babes.
288
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,720
Oi, Moira, are you in
on this beer pong or what?
289
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:10,680
Go on, then. Piss off.
290
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,360
You, uh... You're not
joining the beer pong
291
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,240
over at Straight Pride, Marcus?
292
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:22,800
No, no, no, I'm not
a big beer drinker, really.
293
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:26,160
Oh, how's...? How's your gay
son on getting on?
294
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,160
Oh, he's still gay, thank you.
Oh, that's good.
295
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:35,040
Mind if I join? Where have you been?
296
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,440
Blame Bobby.
He loves making me late.
297
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:40,400
Loving the costume.
298
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,160
What are you meant to be?
299
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:44,960
I'm a slutty tin man.
300
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,040
Well, it suits you.
301
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,040
What are you after, Harrison?
Why are you being nice to me?
302
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:51,360
I'm just being friendly.
303
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:56,280
Also, if I'm being honest,
304
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,840
I'm so bored of
the awkwardness between us.
305
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,800
We see each other every day at work.
306
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,880
Isn't it time we put all this
behind us now?
307
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,840
I suppose you're right.
308
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,080
Here, do you remember
that night we came here
309
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,120
and there was that gadgie singing
Defying Gravity on karaoke?
310
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,480
And when he went for the high note,
his dentures popped out.
311
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,920
Oh, my God, that was funny as fuck.
I was dying.
312
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,000
MARCUS LAUGHS
313
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,000
Indeed!
314
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,480
Haway, then, babe.
I want to go dance.
315
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,360
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
316
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,240
CHEERING
317
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,560
Let's have it!
318
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,440
Lads, lads, lads!
319
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,400
Uh, Stewart, you're
a scraggly little gay lad.
320
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:49,560
Why are you at Straight Pride?
Sorry, Dickie.
321
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,440
Turns out I just
really love beer pong.
322
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,720
Straight Pride
is for everyone, Dicky.
323
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:55,760
All lives matter.
324
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,880
Now, now, boys.
325
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,080
CHEERING
326
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,520
Yes! Yes, come on!
327
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,160
And another thing, there's bloody
green face paint
328
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,400
everywhere upstairs!
329
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,640
She's not even a very good DJ.
330
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:15,720
I bet you she plays Sweet Caroline
at least five times tonight.
331
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,480
And you know
what really pisses me off?
332
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,640
Firstly, I want to apologise.
333
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,560
No... Um, let me just start
by saying I know
334
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,160
what I did was wrong,
but just hear me out.
335
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,600
I know I'm the last person
you want to see, but...
336
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:45,040
Get this lot down your necks!
337
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,560
As long as you lot
are in my network,
338
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,280
you won't pay a penny
for a drink tonight.
339
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,720
CHEERING
340
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,160
Hey, I tell you what.
341
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,600
You wouldn't get this
in the gay network, would you?
342
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:04,560
Listen up, everyone.
343
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:11,440
Somebody in this bar tonight
has stolen my look.
344
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:12,800
GASPING
345
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:16,680
There's only one scarecrow,
and it's me.
346
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:20,320
The one standing there is a fake.
347
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,920
Shame on you.
348
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:30,000
MUSIC: Chelsea Dagger
by The Fratellis
349
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,720
Knock, knock.
Any scary scarecrows in there?
350
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:41,680
He's not here.
351
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,600
You all right, Sal?
What are you doing down here?
352
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,880
Tell you the truth,
I'm a bit stressed about Danni.
353
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,480
Ah.
354
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,040
I know I need to break up with her,
355
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,200
but every time I try to do it,
something stops me.
356
00:17:55,480 --> 00:18:00,240
I'm such a coward.
Hey, you're not a coward, Sal.
357
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,240
It'd be hard for anyone
in your situation.
358
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,000
You've been with her for years.
359
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,720
I just wish I had
a bit more courage.
360
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,040
You have plenty of courage, Sal.
361
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,440
And if I learned anything
from coming out,
362
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,760
it's that the more you think
363
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:19,400
about doing something scary,
the longer you'll put it off.
364
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:34,240
You know what, Stew?
I think I just found it.
365
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:35,760
What? My courage.
366
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,000
It was at the bottom of
that ninth pint.
367
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,520
I'm going to go and do it now
before I chicken out.
368
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,000
Ee, go on, Sal! I'm buzzing for you.
369
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,200
You coming back up? No, I think I'll
just stay down here for a bit.
370
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,440
Suit yourself, babe.
371
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,040
Oh, my God.
372
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,160
Actually, I think
I might head back up.
373
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,920
Don't be scared. Don't be scared.
Don't be scared.
374
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,360
Er... Sorry, Gary, I thought
you said you were having
375
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,800
a nice time at the
LGBTQ+ Network social.
376
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,680
So why on earth have
you come over here?
377
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,520
Oh, sorry, Dickie. I just heard
there was free drinks in this area
378
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,720
and, well, money's a bit tight
at the moment.
379
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,280
Yeah, I don't need
a sob story, Gary.
380
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,520
I need an ally.
Oi! Leave him alone.
381
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,560
Gary wants to be over here.
Isn't that right, Gary?
382
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,440
Well, um... He's only over here
383
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,480
because you're bribing him
with free drinks.
384
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,480
He'd prefer to be over there.
Isn't that right, Gary?
385
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,520
Well, I just feel that maybe
386
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,480
I could move between both areas.
387
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:52,600
Get to f...
388
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,080
Nah. You're joking, aren't you?
Sorry. Impossible, I'm afraid.
389
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:15,320
Gay or straight? Sorry?
390
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,600
Gay or straight?
391
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:22,960
Oh, um, well, I'm very much an ally,
392
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,840
but I suppose I'm straight.
393
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,800
Straight Pride to the
back of the room.
394
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:32,040
Oh, well, actually,
I was just looking for someone.
395
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,680
It's buy one, get one free on
spirits and mixers tonight, babes.
396
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,760
Oh, no. I'm OK. Thanks.
397
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,880
He wants to be in the gay
network, don't you, Gary?
398
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,240
No, he wants to be in the
straight network, don't you, Gary?
399
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,920
I don't mind either way!
400
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,680
Dance, my pretties!
401
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:09,960
SIGHING
402
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,680
Down here, you bastard.
403
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:22,160
# Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
404
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,800
# Won't somebody help me chase
the shadows away?
405
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,920
# Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight... #
406
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,880
AIR HORN, MUSIC STOPS
407
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:38,040
Is everyone feeling hetero tonight?
408
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:39,560
MUSIC PLAYS
409
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,920
# When the pretty birds have flown
410
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,560
# Honey, I'm still free... #
411
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,600
# When the pretty... #
412
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,640
CACKLING
413
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:54,880
# When the pretty... #
414
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,280
COUGHING
415
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,920
MUSIC CHANGES RAPIDLY
416
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:01,760
Oi! Pack it in!
417
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,280
COUGHING
418
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:06,960
You two are going to have to decide
amongst yourselves who's DJing
419
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,560
cos I'm not having this all night!
420
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:11,680
Well, it's my face on the poster,
421
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:14,320
so she can just fickety-fuckety
all the way home.
422
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:18,360
I've been booked for this important
charity event, which helps support
423
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:22,160
the poor unfortunate
heterosexuals of Teesside,
424
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,360
so I think we can all agree who
should stay - hm? -
425
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,800
and who should go.
426
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,520
NAN LAUGHS
427
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:30,680
Ta-ta, Mam!
428
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,640
What the bloody hell's
she doing here?
429
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,960
Please talk to me.
430
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,240
There's nothing to talk about.
431
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,000
You took my son away from me!
432
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,960
CROWD GASP
No, you can't keep running away!
433
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,560
It's not what it sounds like.
434
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,080
Er... Who's for Sweet Caroline?
435
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,840
CHEERING
436
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:04,920
Do you want a shot
for a fiver, babe?
437
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:07,320
No.
438
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,880
I think I should
probably go, actually.
439
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,560
MONARCHY SIGHS
440
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,560
Suit yourself.
441
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,480
# I've been inclined... #
442
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:37,920
Are you OK, flower?
443
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:47,280
MUSIC: Alright by Supergrass
444
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,800
Hey!
445
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:51,720
Go on, get some of that down ya.
446
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,200
LAUGHTER
447
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:00,440
Trev, a word, please.
448
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:02,200
Ooh!
449
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,600
You're doing this on purpose.
450
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:04,640
What was that, mate?
451
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,760
Trying to overshadow my
LGBTQ+ Network social.
452
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,320
I don't know what you're
talking about, Dickie.
453
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:12,080
It's quite simply a massive
coincidence that you've
454
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,520
decided to host your gay event
at the same place that we happen
455
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,440
to be celebrating Straight Pride!
456
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:18,920
You're a liar, Trev.
457
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:22,280
You're just doing this because you
can't bear us gays having a voice.
458
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,640
It's got nothing to do
with the gays, Dickie.
459
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:26,760
I love the gays, me!
460
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:28,360
What's the point in
all this pettiness?
461
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:31,240
It's you, mate.
462
00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:32,280
Me?
463
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:35,800
You think you can mince around
the office controlling everyone,
464
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,040
making us go to your
stupid little meetings,
465
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,760
forcing us to your
pathetic little outings.
466
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,840
Well, two can play
at that game, lad.
467
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,640
Hiya, mate! You all right?
468
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,520
Time to pay your tab, babe.
Oh, yeah.
469
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,160
What's the matter, babes?
470
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,640
You ordered a few
too many, er, bribes?
471
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:01,920
Ah, it's getting late.
I think I'd better, er...
472
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,720
Penni! You've got a runner!
473
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:07,560
DRAMATIC MUSIC
474
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,080
Fucking hell.
475
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:18,320
Pay up, prick!
476
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,360
MUSIC: Only Time by Enya
477
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,880
You smell wonderful, Elaine.
478
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,880
You keep stepping on my feet.
479
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,080
Sorry.
480
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,600
No.
481
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:32,640
I like it.
482
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,760
Don't smile, Gary. It's creepy.
483
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,000
TREVOR GROANS
484
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,120
Pay up!
485
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,280
I'll get me wallet!
I'll get me wallet!
486
00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:50,000
Ee, what a bloody night.
487
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,000
How are you feeling, Mam?
488
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,040
I don't really know,
to be honest, chick.
489
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:57,080
Do you think it's worth
hearing what she has to say?
490
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,200
I don't really know,
to be honest, chick.
491
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,360
Why do you think she's back?
492
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,160
Oh, she doesn't really know!
Leave her be!
493
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:05,560
DOORBELL RINGS
494
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:05,560
Oh.
495
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,280
Oh, what happened with
the other Scarecrow, Stewart?
496
00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:10,680
That was all a bit weird, wasn't it?
497
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:12,720
Ee, I'm not sure.
498
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:15,600
I think he...must have
left before we did.
499
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:17,560
Oh, Sal. Oh, Sal.
500
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,040
How'd it go?
501
00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:24,600
I mean, it wasn't great, lads,
but it's done.
502
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:25,680
Aww.
503
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:27,200
Sorry, Sal, can I just check?
504
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:30,760
You, er... You went and broke up
with Danni dressed like that?
505
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,120
Yeah.
506
00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,000
Good for you, girl!
507
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,160
Are you, er...
Are you sleeping here tonight?
508
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:38,680
If you don't mind, Mam.
509
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:39,920
Course not, chick.
510
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,520
You can stay as long as you like.
511
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,400
'Ere, do you know what's funny?
512
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:46,440
What?
513
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:49,800
Stewart went really method tonight
with his Scarecrow costume cos...
514
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,240
..cos he doesn't have a brain!
515
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,360
THEY CHUCKLE
516
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,600
I... I don't get it.
517
00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,720
You know, like...like the film.
518
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:00,960
Oh...
519
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,440
I've actually never seen it.
520
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,360
Ha-ha, very funny.
521
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,240
Can you let me in now, please?
522
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:23,360
Dickie?
523
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:25,720
Mam?
524
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,960
HEAVY BREATHING
525
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:37,960
HE SCREAMS
526
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:43,040
# Who can say where the road goes?
527
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,880
# Where the day flows?
528
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:49,080
# Only time
529
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:54,520
# And who can say if your love grows
530
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:57,520
# As your heart chose?
531
00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,920
# Only time... #
58544
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