Original subtitles

FANFARE PLAYS

STRAINED BUGLE

This programme contains strong language

May I present to you the one, the only,

Stewart Park!

Aw! Aw!

You're looking fucking lush there, Stew. Absolutely stunning.

Nice arse.

He's all suited and booted for his first-ever date!

How are you feeling about it, Stewart?

I'm really nervous.

Aw, just be yourself, hon, and you can't go wrong. Mmm.

Got any pictures of the lad, Stew?

No, my workmate set me up,

so it's kind of like a blind date.

But what if he's dog ugly?

Oh, yeah, good point.

Oh, I don't think I'd really mind, you know.

I'm more of a personality guy.

Well, er, you'll all be pleased to know that I've also got

a date tonight. Oh! Ooh.

Oh, how exciting, chick.

Who is the lucky bastard?

Well, I haven't met him yet either. Oh.

Yeah, I've joined this dating app.

It's for older rich men who are looking to meet young,

smooth twinks like me.

And there's a wealthy daddy who likes the look of my photos

and wants to treat me for dinner.

Ooh, exciting. Ooh! That's nice.

Rich little OAP for you.

Have you got any pictures?

I do, actually, Lucinda.

Thank you for asking.

Here we go.

What's that?

It's a photocopy of his bank statement.

Yeah, the older rich men receive photos of the twinks,

and us twinks receive photographic evidence of their wealth.

Oh, that's fascinating. Jesus fucking wept.

What's that smell? Oh, yeah.

Ooh.

It might be my new fragrance.

I... I got it from Argos.

You got a fragrance from Argos?

What does it remind me of? I can't put my finger on it.

It's like... You know, it's like...

Um... Oh. It's... It's...

Oh, that's it. Cabbage sauteed in dogshit.

That's it. Mmm. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Here, let's spray a bit of this to mask it.

HE COUGHS

Is that air-freshener? It is, chick.

Ah, smells like a fresh summer breeze.

I actually think I'm going to cancel tonight.

Oh, you can't do that. What if he's the love of your life?

I just... I don't think I'm quite ready to date.

Tell you what, I'll come to the restaurant as a secret chaperone.

That way, I'm there if you need me,

but I'm distant enough for you to still enjoy your date.

I guess that could work.

Yay! And we'll come along as secret chaperones as well!

Um...

Well... You don't all have to come. Oh, don't be silly.

We wouldn't miss it. Yay!

THEY HOWL

Ow! Mam, my eyes! Ow. Ee, sorry, chick.

# When I grow up Imma be a supermodel... #

ITALIAN ACCENT: Oh! Ciao, bella!

Welcome, friend, you must be Stewart.

Yeah. How did you know?

We've been expecting you for your first big date.

Follow me.

Ah! Sexy little gay boy.

And this is your date for the evening.

Hiya. Oh, I'm Stewart. I'm Bradley.

Ah, I can already feel the love a-blossoming.

Here, Linda. Someone's blocked the women's loo.

DROPS ITALIAN ACCENT: You are fucking kidding me.

That's the second fucking time this week.

What the bloody hell are these women eating?!

Buon appetito.

I've never done the whole dating thing before.

Sorry if I seem a bit nervous.

Don't worry. I get nervous all the time.

Can I get yous a drink, lads?

Ooh?

Want wine?

MOUTHS

Er... Wi-Wine.

Yeah, white? Wh-White? White? Yeah.

White's fine.

Right. Where's our Stew, then?

It's posh in 'ere, like, innit? Oh, this is really...

Shh! Remember, we've got to pretend we don't know him.

WHISPERS: There he is! Just tap. Tap water's fine, yeah.

SHE MOUTHS

Thank you.

Buongiorno.

Sedere.

A menu for you. Yes.

'Ere, Mam.

I need you to give these coleslaws out to all the tables.

Tell them they're complimentary. I accidentally ordered too much

and now I can't get rid of the bastard stuff.

Of course, chick.

I really appreciate you letting me do this, Linda.

Aw. It's his first-ever date. Aw. Bit nervous, poor love.

Oh, absolutely nay fucking problemo, Mam.

Tell you the truth, you're doing me a favour.

I've had three people call in sick. Fucking skivers.

And we're fully booked tonight.

I'm glad I could help. Oh, actually, whilst I've got you,

women's bog needs unblocking, if you wouldn't mind sorting it out.

Of course, chick.

Ah, benvenuta! Welcome, friends!

Come in, come in. You have a table booked?

No. We were hoping we could just squeeze in?

DROPS ITALIAN ACCENT: Got fuck all tonight, love. Try TGI Friday's.

Who wants a free-a cola-slaw?

Oh.

It's a big old menu, isn't it?

They say it's Italian but you can get anything you want.

Last time I was here I had a chicken chow mein in arrabbiata sauce.

Oh. Do you fancy sharing a spaghetti bolognese starter?

Well, when in Rome...

You smell amazing.

It's like, I don't know, a fresh summer breeze.

Oh, thanks very much.

We can't let on that we know Stewart,

cos we don't want to embarrass him.

So let's be as incognito as possible when we're spying.

Got you. Understood.

Does it look like it's going well?

I can't really hear from this far away.

Shall we shuffle closer? I think we're going to have to.

Soz I'm late. I went to the park and got stuck in a swing.

What the fuck are yous doing?

We're just trying to eavesdrop on Stewart and his date.

Fucking hell.

Ohh...

Would anyone like to try the wine?

Ooh, yeah. Ah, yeah, go on, then.

I like wine, too.

Aye, that's not bad, that.

Oi! We'll have four parmos, yeah?

Oh, good choice.

No paps! No paps!

I'm just trying to live my life!

Bastards.

Hiya, Dickie, chick. Hiya, Mam.

Sorry, Dickie, did you want us to follow you in as well?

No, piss off, Gary.

I told you, you're not meant to speak to me!

What's this all about, chick?

Is he here? Who? My mature affluent date.

Oh, no, he hasn't arrived yet.

Oh, for God's sake.

I was wanting him to see that I'm also rich as fuck,

so he wouldn't have to worry about making me sign a prenup.

I have to say, you look like a proper rich bitch.

Haway, I'll show you to your table.

Dickie's here. Hiya, love. Hello, Dickie. You all right?

Sorry, I haven't got any change on me.

Ooh! 'Ere, eh, Dickie, I've been thinking.

How do you know which rich old codger you're meeting

if you've never seen him before?

Well, he's told me to look out for a silver fox

wearing a yellow handkerchief in his jacket pocket.

Ooh, exciting! Yeah!

Ee, you know, back in my day, wearing a yellow handkerchief

used to signify that you were into piss play.

It was a simpler time.

'Ere, Mam. What are you doing? Table seven needs their starters.

I'm, er... I'm on my break, Linda.

You've only just started your shift.

# Mia Bella, come to me... #

Mmm.

# ..For my heart is longing for you... #

THEY GIGGLE

So, what star sign are you?

Sagittarius.

You're joking, aren't you?

No. Why? I'm totally incompatible with Sagittarius.

Oh.

Sorry about that.

I wouldn't normally even associate with a Sagittarius,

if I'm being totally honest. Right.

I'm not really sure what to say to that.

I'm a Taurus, you see, so I'm, like, proper grounded

and down to earth, and you're like...

..the complete opposite. I don't know.

I'd say I'm quite grounded.

Sagittarius would say that.

Right.

I'm just popping to the loo.

I could be a while, cos I like to do a sit-down wee,

which means that sometimes a number two slips out.

How's it going, hon?

I'm not sure he's into me.

How can he not be?

You're probably just nervous and not being yourself.

The key is to just be completely authentic.

And whatever you do, don't tell him you're a Sagittarius.

There you go.

That'll do on the coleslaw, Mam. Mm!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Ooh, what's that?

More coleslaw.

Boop!

Hiya, chick. Oh, hello, dear.

Have you booked a table? Er, yes.

I believe I'm meeting a young handsome chap.

Oh, you must be Dickie's date.

You are in for a treat.

Follow me.

Dessert's next.

Ahem, Dickie, I believe your date has arrived.

No.

No, this can't be right.

Well... What's the matter?

I'm meeting this person.

Er, yeah, that's me.

No, this can't be you.

The chap in the photo has got a soft, youthful complexion, um...

..like that one there.

And he's got a firm, athletic body

with an arse that won't quit.

Er, hello?

No offence, but your arse looks like it quit a long time ago.

How can I not take offence at that, you cheeky old twat?

Where did you buy your arse from? Pancakes R Us?

That's not even a real shop.

You know, you really shouldn't lie on your dating profile.

Goodbye.

You couldn't lend us a tenner for a taxi, could you?

Piss off!

Mind your business, Lucinda, you nosy bitch!

PEOPLE GASP

Here's some coleslaw.

Oh, I bloody love a parmo, me.

Love a parmo.

Oh, ha! Sorry, Danni, that's actually my bowl of ketchup.

You've got your own one. Oh, sorry, mate.

Eh, isn't that your pal Mel, Sal?

Er, I can't really tell from over here.

I'm sure it is. I'll just check.

Mel! MEL!

I'm sure she's probably busy... MEL!

Hey, guys.

How do? Hey! Hiya, hon. You look nice.

What's the occasion? I'm actually just here on a date.

'Ere, there's a lot of dates going on tonight.

We're having a double date, Dickie's having a date, and Stewart's

having his first date, but we're pretending we don't know him.

Ah, gotcha. Babe? Oh...

Hi. Guys, this is Arabella.

Hi, Arabella. She's up from London, she's filming some TikTok videos.

Oh, that's exciting. Yeah.

I don't know if any of you guys follow me, but basically

I go to really shit towns

and just rip the absolute piss out of them.

But people fucking love it.

Anyway, Mel, babe, absolutely devoed.

They don't have any fucking tables.

Why don't you join us? Say what now?

Hang on. Where the frig are they going to sit?

Well, we can all squeeze in.

Don't worry about us. We'll just try TGI's.

Babe, I told you.

I can never go to that place again after last time,

when I ordered plant-based chicken and they brought out

a chicken drumstick on top of a pot plant.

So, thank you for your kind offer, new friends.

We graciously accept.

SHE GIGGLES

Can we get some fucking chairs, please?

I don't understand.

I always get told my bum looks like it's been under a steam roller,

and I just assumed that was a compliment.

Hey, there's absolutely nothing wrong

with your ridiculously flat jacksy.

Some people love an arse so flat it's nearly inverted.

If I can't even get a dirty old gadgie like that to

go on a date with me, what hope have I got in finding anyone else?

Mmm, those were the days...

Mam, table six have been waiting on their katsu curry for half an hour.

I won't tell ya again.

I'm about ready to go.

Meet you down the alley across the road in five minutes.

Ah!

Ta-ra, Dickie. See you later.

Excuse me, babes. Is this the only exit?

Aye, it is.

Well, apart from the fire exit in the kitchen.

Oi, are you the new sous-chef? You're late, dickhead.

Are you the new sous-chef? Yeah.

Sorry I'm late, Chef.

Where do you want me?

How do, Stew? Fucking hell.

How's it going? He's been gone for ages, Sal.

Think he might have done a runner.

Surely not, babe.

Unless you told him that you're a Sagittarius.

Oh. I didn't realise you'd still be here.

'Ere, Mam, there's a dead rat stuck in one of the traps.

Be a love and chuck it in the wheelie bin, will ya?

I'm a bit busy at the minute, Linda. Can you not do it?

I'm on violin duty. Hmm.

Hot Chef? Hot Chef, table one are still waiting for their starters.

Here you go, Mam. Ah!

BEEPING

Oh, shitting hell.

Flipping hell. Bloody, pissing cauliflowers.

Oh.

Think I burnt these cauliflowers.

Are you a fucking moron? Soz about that, babes.

Oh, hang on a minute. Where's that gone, then?

Think my blister must have fallen off into one of those starters.

HE GRUNTS

Argh! Fuck me!

Linda is pissing me right off.

Tell me about it. Just because Helen and Darren

and Sophie called in sick, cos they went out last night

and got hammered, doesn't mean she should talk to us like shit.

Mam!

Don't you guys just miss London when you're up here?

I mean, I know it's pure fucking chaos,

but my God, there's just an energy down there

that you just don't get anywhere else. Do you know what I mean?

I've actually never been to London.

SHE LAUGHS

Are you...? Are you being serious? What the actual fuck?!

I... I don't... I don't think I've ever met anybody

who hasn't been to London.

Wow! God, mind blown.

I mean, good for you. You go, girl.

Like, gosh. I mean...

Um, you've never been up the Shard?

I've been up Roseberry Topping.

Listen, Danni, you really can't just go round stealing

other people's ketchup.

Some people rely on ketchup to be able to eat their food.

Are you going to let your dickhead friends talk to me like that, Sal?

Er, who are you calling dickhead? Who do you think?

Danni, babe, please don't talk to people like that.

I'll talk to people how the fuck I want.

Whose side are you on?

Wow. I mean, I knew it was rough up here

but I never expected to witness such horrific aggression first hand.

Arabella, babe. Yeah?

Sometimes it's just best to keep your mouth shut.

Why? Will they attack me?

Like and subscribe...

..if I survive.

One potato, two potatoes, three potatoes, four and five...

No.

So, Chef, how long have you been working here for, then?

We haven't got time for small talk, mate.

Peel them potatoes. A please wouldn't go amiss.

Can you just hurry the fuck up, please?

We've got tables waiting.

Fucking hell, Gordon Ramsay. Calm yourself down.

They can wait a bit longer, can't they?

Don't speak to me like that in my kitchen.

How is it your kitchen? You don't own it.

And I'm sorry, I don't peel potatoes,

cos the repetitive peeling process inflames my psoriasis.

Listen here, you little flat-arsed weasel,

if you want to keep this fucking job, you do as I say.

Do I make myself clear?

Take a chill pill, Cruella de Vil.

Never worked with such an obnoxious shithead. Cry about it.

You cry about it. You cry about it.

No, you cry about it. You cry about it.

You cry about it. You cry about it. You cry about it!

You cry about it.

Nobody's ever spoken to me like this.

Cry about it.

Oh, so here's a funny one...

PHONE RINGS Sorry, I've got to take this.

Hiya. Did you get my text?

Yeah, a fucking Sagittarius.

Can you believe my luck? I know.

Fucking joke, babes.

CUTLERY CLATTERS

Yeah. And I think he's wearing air-freshener.

Why are we still waiting on table eleven's desserts?

Oh, for God's sake! Not again, Chef!

Er, what does she mean, again?

Have you been kissing other sous-chefs?

No. Huh!

Not today, anyway!

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Me and you, we're done.

Here you go, babes.

These are table eleven's.

Who the fuck are you?

Becky! Desserts!

Well, I'm only here one more day, thank fuck,

but annoyingly I'm back in a couple of weeks.

That is the problem with getting a hit TikTok account

from trashing shit towns.

You actually have to go to the shit towns.

CONVERSATION FADES

Yeah, I know. The nerve of it.

Honestly, so blase! Sagittarius.

He's still here.

Mam, table five needs clearing.

Oh, we've got a fucking good connection, haven't we, babe?

I mean, we fuck like rabbits.

How many? Sorry?

How many more sous-chefs are there?

What does it matter? It's in the past now.

I just need to know.

Well, I was sat playing Tetris on the bog for a good ten minutes.

Didn't get the hint. You know me, babe.

Can't be doing with Sagittari-arseholes.

MUFFLED SPEECH

..I swear there must be a bin juice distillery in Middlesbrough

because the whole town reeks of it.

ARABELLA LAUGHS

Oh, God! Don't even think about it.

I'm warning you.

Argh!

What the fuck are you doing?

Don't mess with my ketchup, bitch!

Oh!

Screw you, Linda.

SHE SCREAMS

No, I can't hear you. OK.

Bye, babe. Love you. Bye.

Sorry about that.

Wrong number.

Fucking Sagittarius!

SCREAMING

Stop!

What the hell are yous all doing?

This is embarrassing.

Not one of you has hit Stewart.

Fucking hell, Stewart!

You know, even though he wasn't the one,

I'm glad I've broken my date virginity.

How'd you find working as a sous-chef, hon?

Summat to put on the CV, isn't it, babes?

Best thing was I got a snog off the chef.

Yeah, of course you did, hon. I did!

I believe you. You don't sound like you believe me, Lucinda,

with that patronising tone of yours.

Listen, I'd just like to say sorry that

I let my anger get the better of me tonight, guys.

I just ... I really bloody love ketchup.

Don't apologise, babe.

It's not your fault.

Danni gets pleasure out of antagonising.

That's just who she is.

And if I'm honest, I'm done with it.

You lot ready? Yeah. Yeah, go on, Mam.

Let us have it, Mam, go on. Teach me a lesson.

Just do it, just do it. Rinse me.

Oh, feel the wetness!

It's moist.

Say hello to Richard and Judy!

Why is this water so fucking wet?!

# Figaro! Son qua

# Figaro! Son qua

# Figaro qua, Figaro la, Figaro qua

# Figaro la

# Figaro su, Figaro giu, Figaro su

# Figaro giu

# Pronto prontissimo son come il fumine

# Sono il factotum della citta

# Della citta, della citta, della citta, della citta! #