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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,040 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:08,880 # When I hold you, baby 3 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:15,760 # Feel your heartbeat close to me 4 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:21,440 # Wanna stay in your arms for ever 5 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:28,320 # Only love can set you free... # 6 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,480 ALARM CLOCK BUZZES 7 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:40,760 # ..Set you free 8 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:45,880 # When we touch each other 9 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,240 # In a state of ecstasy... # 10 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:51,280 Hey, Stewart. 11 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,160 I hear you're a homosexual now. 12 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,000 Good on you, lad. 13 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,160 Thank you. 14 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:04,160 # ..Oh-ho, yeah # Oh-ho, yeah... # 15 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:07,000 Ee, I've heard you're gay, Stewart. 16 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,560 I'm made up for your, pet. 17 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:11,080 I hope you get yourself a bit of bum fun. 18 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:20,920 # ..Only love can set you free... # 19 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,080 Hello? 20 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,800 Hello? 21 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,200 That's weird. 22 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,280 Keith? 23 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:42,240 Keith? 24 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:48,080 ALL: Surprise! 25 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:52,400 Happy coming out party! Happy coming out party, Stewart. 26 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:53,840 Oh! Ooh! 27 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,640 Ah! Oh! 28 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,920 Sick! Ow! 29 00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,440 Yay! 30 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:00,880 PARTY POPPER BANGS 31 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,520 Why? 32 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,560 # When I grow up Imma be a supermodel. # 33 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,560 How's your gammy eye, chick? 34 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,480 It's a bit sore, to be honest, Mam. 35 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,560 Why didn't you just duck out the way of the cork, Stewart? 36 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:19,920 Not really sure. 37 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,560 I've never known someone with such piss-poor reflexes. 38 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,440 Ee, remember Janice, who drove over her husband in that hit-and-run? 39 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,360 Oh, yeah. Well, I went to her 50th a couple of months ago. 40 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,160 Someone popped a champagne cork right into her ear. 41 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:33,720 It was stuck in there for a week, apparently. 42 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,800 She can't catch a break, can she, Janice? 43 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,520 Do you remember when she got wedged under that caravan 44 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,480 at her engagement party? Poor cow. 45 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,400 Oh, for fuck's sake! 46 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:43,760 The prosecco went all over the floor. 47 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:47,200 Thanks very much, Stewart. Now we've got no booze. 48 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,680 Hang on. I might have something in my office. 49 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,080 BRB. 50 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,360 Thank God for that. Hiya, lads. Sorry I'm late. 51 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:55,760 ALL: Hiya, Sal. 52 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,040 Where have you been, chick? I had to pick up Andrea. 53 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,080 Who the fuck's Andrea? 54 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,320 Oh! Oh, hello, little rabbit. Nice to meet you. 55 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,520 You know Mel, who played guitar for me at Pride? 56 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,840 Yeah. Lovely Mel. Well, she's popped to Majorca for a week, 57 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,520 so I said I'd look after her rabbit. 58 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,800 Aww. Right, who wants a drink? 59 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,680 DICKIE: Oh, yeah. What is it, Keith. 60 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,280 Home brew. I fermented it myself. 61 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,600 Oh, how long for? 37 years. 62 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,000 There you go. 63 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,640 Right, there... 64 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:27,000 Would your little rabbit friend like a drink? 65 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,720 Nah, she's teetotal, Keith. 66 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,800 Ah, right. There you go, son. 67 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,920 For my brave little gay warrior. 68 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,000 We're all so proud of you. 69 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:40,160 I mean, physically, you might be very, very small and terribly weak, 70 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:44,520 but mentally, you are the biggest, strongest person I know. 71 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,600 Happy coming out party, Stewart. Right, well, 72 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,320 I would just like to raise a glass 73 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:53,640 and say congratulations on becoming a homosexual, Stewart. 74 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,560 You know, it takes a brave man 75 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:59,360 to admit he likes to put another man's testicle in his mouth. 76 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,800 Well, I don't necessar... To Stewart. 77 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,160 ALL: Stewart! 78 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:08,680 THEY GROAN AND RETCH 79 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:09,880 Here, Stewart... 80 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:11,000 Down it. 81 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,120 Down it! 82 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,920 ALL: Down it! Down it! Down it! 83 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:19,640 Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it! 84 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:20,880 Whoo! 85 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,240 Christ! Is that the time? 86 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,280 Well, I'd better get the shop opened. 87 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,960 Oh, my God, that is fucking dire. No, absolutely not. 88 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,320 No, I can't. 89 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,360 Oh, that is bloody lovely. 90 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:37,840 Good morning, carpet lovers. 91 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:40,280 You've come at exactly the right time 92 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,760 because we've got some cracking deals on our carpets today, 93 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,520 so please come through. 94 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,120 There you go, lads. All right? 95 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,920 Hello. 96 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,440 Hey, come on. Hey. Now, listen, 97 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:52,920 them carpets won't bite you, you know. 98 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,040 HE CHUCKLES 99 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,920 Oh, mate. You what? 100 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,960 Yeah, do you want a carpet? We've got a sale on. 101 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,240 Nah, mate. You what? Your carpets are shite, Keith. 102 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,880 Come over here and say that, you dickhead. 103 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,760 HE SLURPS 104 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,760 Mm! 105 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,960 What sort of things does Andrea eat, hon? 106 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,160 Can she have a Jammie Dodger? Nah, I think it's just lettuce and that. 107 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,080 Oh. Poor Andrea. 108 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,640 I'd shoot myself in the face if I couldn't eat Jammie Dodgers. 109 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,760 Where is Andrea, chick? 110 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,160 What do you mean? 111 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:22,880 I mean, where is Andrea? 112 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,440 I'm not really sure how else to say it, to be honest. 113 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,120 Well, she's here. 114 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:30,760 No. 115 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,200 That's strange. 116 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,240 Andrea? 117 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,240 What are we going to do, lads? 118 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:39,600 I can't lose Andrea. Mel's going to kill me. 119 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,840 Andrea! 120 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,920 Well, don't worry, chick, she can't have gone far, 121 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,280 especially with those big, stupid ears. 122 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,560 You see, this is the reason I don't keep livestock. 123 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:54,720 Andrea! Andrea! Andrea! Andrea! Andrea! 124 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,160 Andrea! 125 00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:58,720 Yeah? 126 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,160 Oh, sorry, not you. 127 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,080 OK, plan. 128 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,920 We're going to split up into separate search parties. 129 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:11,640 Er, Lucinda, Neil and Sal, you're going to form one team. 130 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,160 Stewart and Dickie, you're going to come with me. 131 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:18,240 Right, let's find Andrea. ALL: Yeah! 132 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:21,360 You know, it's funny, isn't it? 133 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:22,680 What's funny, hon? 134 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,440 We're all about to go on a search party 135 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,360 for Andrea the rabbit. 136 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:30,800 But we're also on a constant search party - life. 137 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,440 What the fuck are you on about, Neil? 138 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,960 OK, let's go find Andrea. 139 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,400 ALL: Yay! 140 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,000 Greetings, carpet lovers. 141 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,920 I'm Keith from Keith's World of Carpets, 142 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,160 and I'm crackers about carpets, me. 143 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,560 Let me guess. 144 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,600 Your beautiful but overpowering wives 145 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:02,200 have sent you here to buy some thick, sturdy carpets. 146 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,800 Am I right or am I right? 147 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,200 We don't have wives. 148 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,000 We're actually a couple. 149 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,200 Oh, I see. 150 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,160 Oh, Christ, me gaydar must be malfunctioning. 151 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,880 Still, no worries, cos here at Keith's World of Carpets 152 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,960 you can be as homosexual as you want to be. 153 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,600 In fact, we're hosting a coming out party today 154 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,520 for a tiny little gay fella that works here. 155 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:26,000 Now, what is it you two penis enthusiasts are looking for? 156 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,360 Carpets, Keith. Well, you've come to the right place. 157 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:34,360 Follow me and I will show you my carpet wonderland. 158 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,120 HE SCREAMS 159 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,600 I've just remembered - I've got a sale on today. 160 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,840 Right, let's get stuck in. 161 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:42,960 Howay, lads! 162 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:50,200 Andrea! Andrea! Andrea! Andrea. 163 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:54,280 Does anyone else feel a bit light-headed from Keith's drink? 164 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:56,400 I wouldn't know, chick. Couldn't keep it down. 165 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,720 God-awful stuff. 166 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,400 Andrea! 167 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,520 Ooh! Andrea! Andrea! 168 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:04,880 Andrea. Oh! Howay, Andrea, you silly knobhead! 169 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:08,600 Why the hell anyone would want to own a frigging rabbit is beyond me. 170 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,360 Eh? Ugly, gormless, big-eared twats. 171 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,680 Oh, that reminds me, I need to pay Dickie back 172 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:15,680 for those Metallica tickets. You what? 173 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,680 Oh! Oh! Oh, I forgot you were with us. 174 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,240 No, no, I was just saying that I need to transfer over 175 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,400 the money for that Metallica concert we went to. 176 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,400 Hang on, though, what did you mean by "that reminds me"? 177 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,120 Huh? You were talking about Andrea the rabbit 178 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,080 and how gormlessly ugly she was. 179 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,440 What is it about ugly, gormless Andrea 180 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:35,960 that reminded you of me? 181 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:40,040 Oh, it's nothing. Just ignore me. I'm a dozy old cow. 182 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,560 No, come on. 183 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:44,520 Well, I just think you have certain qualities about you 184 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,520 that sometimes resemble a rabbit. 185 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,640 You're joking, aren't you? It's only little things. 186 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,960 Like what? Well, your teeth, your nose and your eyes. 187 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,840 That's basically my whole face. 188 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,480 I can't actually believe I'm hearing this. 189 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,760 I mean, I've been called names before, 190 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,520 but never a frigging rabbit. 191 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,640 Stewart, do you think I look like a rabbit? 192 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,240 Hmm? 193 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:04,920 Do you think I look like a rabbit? 194 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,360 Erm... 195 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:21,680 You know, guys, I really do feel a sense of responsibility now. 196 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,640 And I know it sounds weird, 197 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:29,000 but I almost feel that the hand of destiny is guiding me 198 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:32,360 down a new path to help other people in the queer community. 199 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:37,000 Get over yourself, Stewart, you annoying little rat. 200 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,480 Oh, no! 201 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,480 You're kidding me! 202 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,680 What's the matter? 203 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,160 Come on. 204 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,360 Oh, come on, baby, yeah. 205 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,880 Oh, that is so, so good. 206 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,960 Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh-ho-ho... 207 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,280 DIAL-UP MODEM CHIRRUPS 208 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,680 Show it to me. 209 00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,320 Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. 210 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,040 Er... Er, what's going on? 211 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,680 Oh, sorry to intrude, Keith. 212 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,520 I needed to find a place to hide. 213 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,920 All right, well, erm, yeah, be my guest. 214 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,240 Who is it, Mam? 215 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,680 Paula. Paula Radcliffe? 216 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,720 Hey, if that Radcliffe bitch is here again 217 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,480 scrounging free carpet samples, I will, swear to God... 218 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,000 No, not Paula Radcliffe. 219 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,200 Paula, my ex-wife. What?! 220 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,040 Your ex-wife is here? 221 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,320 But I thought you said she'd moved to Bury St Edmunds. 222 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:35,760 She did. I've got no idea why she's back. 223 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,800 But if she's here, 224 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,000 maybe that means he's here. 225 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,040 Who? Ed. 226 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:45,680 - Ed Miliband? - If that Miliband twat is here... 227 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,480 No, not Ed Miliband. 228 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,160 My son, Ed. 229 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,320 Ah, yeah. That makes more sense. 230 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,960 I can't believe this is happening. 231 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,120 I think I'm going to frigging hyperventilate. 232 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,080 Right. I've got a plan. 233 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,120 Me and Stewart will go over and try and eavesdrop on the conversation. 234 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:04,200 If she says anything about Ed or why she's back in Boro, 235 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,560 we'll let you know. 236 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,000 Howay, Stewart. 237 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,240 I said, howay! 238 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,800 I need to get out of here, Keith. 239 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,440 Can you take me through the back door? 240 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,080 I can get you out of here, Mam... 241 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,480 ..but it ain't going to be easy. 242 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,160 And then you sprinkle about 125g of mozzarella on top, 243 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,360 and then pop it in the oven for about 45 minutes 244 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,440 until it's a deep golden colour on top and crispy round the edges. 245 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,880 And that is the best way to cook a beef lasagne from scratch. 246 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,320 I don't remember anyone asking you 247 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,920 how to cook a beef lasagne from scratch, Neil. 248 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,560 How has Andrea just disappeared into thin air? 249 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:46,200 Don't stress, hon, we'll find her. She can't have gone far. 250 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,440 I mean, just how big is this place, anyway? 251 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,320 The size of two football pitches. 252 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,000 How the hell do you know that? 253 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,640 I've got freakishly good spatial awareness, 254 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,520 and to be honest, my depth perception's second to none. 255 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,080 I mean, I never need to measure a room when I buy new furniture. 256 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,760 Oh, Neil's the opposite. He can't get enough of measuring. 257 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,800 He owns 28 tape measures - don't you, Neil? 258 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,840 Neil? 259 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,080 Neil! 260 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,800 Where the bloody hell did Neil go? 261 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,400 Andrea? 262 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,240 Andrea? 263 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:24,000 This is like a bloody rabbit warren. 264 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,160 Andrea?! 265 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:30,640 Oh! 266 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:33,120 That's it, Keith. I've made it out the air vent. 267 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,240 What now? 268 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,920 Right. Now shimmy towards that roll of mousey-grey carpet 269 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,360 and squat down behind it. 270 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,920 But a warning - Paula is very close. 271 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,880 So how is that one different to that one? 272 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,760 You'll see a manhole cover. 273 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,720 Open it...and climb in. 274 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,200 Oh, bloody hell! 275 00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:55,680 Cos the colours are very subtle. 276 00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:58,800 I've never noticed the softness of Keith's carpet. 277 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,760 Shut up, Stewart, I can't hear what she's saying. 278 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,480 Sorry, Dickie. I mean, I just can't believe how soft they are. 279 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:05,680 We need to get closer. 280 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,480 I remember getting a carpet here years ago. 281 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,160 Must have been 1993. 282 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:16,080 The place hasn't changed a bit, has it? I wouldn't know. I'm 22. 283 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,160 Hey, sorry, listen to me going on at you. 284 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:20,000 You don't want my life story, do you? 285 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:25,040 It's just weird to be back in Boro after all these years. 286 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,200 Yeah, I've actually moved back up here, so... 287 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,880 Hoping to start afresh, you see. 288 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,360 Sorry, did you want a carpet or not? 289 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:36,720 Right. Yes. Sorry. 290 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,320 The carpet - of course. 291 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,760 There was one I saw just over this way. 292 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,680 HE GROANS 293 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,040 Did you hear that, Stewart? 294 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,240 She's moved back to Boro from Bury St Edmunds. 295 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,880 Stewart? Stewart! 296 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,920 What the fuck are you doing, Stewart? 297 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,640 And then I went to Aldi and I couldn't reach 298 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,960 the Shreddies on the top shelf. 299 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,120 So I asked a big tall lad to help me. 300 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,960 But instead of handing me the Shreddies, 301 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,840 he picks me up, puts me on the top shelf 302 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,760 and then just walks off. 303 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,600 So I was up there for three hours. 304 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,120 It was in that moment I said to meself, 305 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,760 "I am never wearing flat shoes ever again." 306 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:18,880 Sal. 307 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:23,960 Sorry, babe. I wasn't listening to a word you said there. Cheers, hon. 308 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,600 I'm just really freaking out about Andrea the rabbit. 309 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,080 Hey, Sal. 310 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,080 I've never seen you so hysterical. 311 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,320 Mel's never going to speak to me again. 312 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,080 And, well... 313 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,800 ..I really like her. 314 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,480 Look, I wouldn't worry, hon. I'm sure we'll fi... 315 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,480 Hang on a minute. 316 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,680 Are you saying that you really like her like, "Hiya, Mel"? 317 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:47,600 Or you really like her like, "Hiya, Mel"? 318 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,600 It's more like... 319 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,240 .."Hiya, Mel." 320 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,560 Oh. Yeah. 321 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,880 But what about Danny? 322 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,200 I don't know, babe. 323 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,760 You know we're here for you, whatever you decide. 324 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:00,800 Come on. 325 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,000 Let's go and see if the others have had any luck. 326 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,760 I bet Neil's all over it. 327 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:11,360 Whoa-a-a-a... 328 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,600 Hold. 329 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,200 Hold. 330 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,440 Hold. 331 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:19,920 All clear. 332 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,240 That was a close one, Keith. Over. 333 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,960 You're doing brilliantly, Mam. 334 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,120 Hello? 335 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:29,480 Hello?! 336 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:32,200 You'd never know me artificial grass is fake. 337 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,400 Go on. Touch it. 338 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,000 Feels good, doesn't it? 339 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,720 It feels SO real. 340 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,240 Right. 341 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,560 Well, take your shoes and socks off 342 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,280 and step on it. 343 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,680 Go on, Neil. Step on it. 344 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,640 Ah! I'm free! 345 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,880 Woohoo-hoo! 346 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,680 There's so much grass! 347 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:26,560 Oh, God. 348 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,640 HE MOANS 349 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,360 HE SNORTS 350 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,280 Oh! 351 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:34,640 HE MOANS 352 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,480 Ugh! 353 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,400 Are you in position, Mam? 354 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,120 I am, Keith. 355 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,680 Marvellous. Now listen carefully, Mam. 356 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:46,120 In five minutes, a fellow called Dave is due back from his break. 357 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,200 Then he's going to push the trolley through the shop, 358 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,400 out the back and into the warehouse. 359 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,120 Now, when you feel him pushing you, 360 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,720 keep your head down, unless you want Paula to see you. 361 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,120 Then, when you're in the warehouse, 362 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,640 you can get out and dash out the back door. 363 00:16:58,640 --> 00:16:59,680 Understand? 364 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,400 Loud and queer, Keith. 365 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,680 Good girl. 366 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,800 God...this is just like Vietnam. 367 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:16,280 HE SIGHS 368 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,200 She's just looking at carpets now. 369 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,760 You know, Dickie, I feel really lucky. 370 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:23,880 What are you whining on about now, Stewart? 371 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,760 Well, I was just thinking, even though my grandma 372 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,160 doesn't approve of who I am, I'm so lucky to have friends 373 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,920 who have showered me with love and acceptance. 374 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,240 Not a lot of people have that, but I do. 375 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,120 And so... 376 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:43,560 ..well, I feel like one lucky guy. 377 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,000 You're doing my fucking nut in today, you. 378 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,320 Oh! Oh! 379 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,720 Get off! Oh! 380 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,560 Oh... Oh, for fuck's sake. 381 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,560 It's frickin' Tweedledum and Tweedledee. 382 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,920 Oh. Hiya, Harrison. Hiya, Bobby. 383 00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,640 Oh. Hiya, mate. 384 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,400 Uh, yeah. Listen, 385 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,680 we heard what you've been through with your grandma and that. 386 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,080 Yeah. Sorry, Stewart. But from what everyone's said, 387 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,520 you've been really brave about the whole situation. 388 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,280 Oh. Thanks, guys. 389 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:11,880 It hasn't been the best of times, 390 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:15,480 I won't lie, but I'm really feeling the love today. 391 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:19,920 You know, not a lot of people know this but, uh, 392 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,520 I had a hard time coming out to my family as well. 393 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,440 Didn't your parents take you on a trip to London to see 394 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,160 Mamma Mia! the musical when you came out? 395 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,000 Yes, Harrison, but I wanted to see Miss Saigon! 396 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,960 Stewart's not the only one who's had it hard. 397 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,160 Well, I'll buy you a drink next time I see you 398 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,920 out and about to say congratulations on your bravery, mate. 399 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,280 Oh. Thank you, Harrison. 400 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,120 Boop. 401 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,880 Oh... 402 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,600 What are you two doing here, anyway? 403 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,720 What do you think we're doing in a carpet shop? Bowling? 404 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,280 We've actually moved in together, 405 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:53,240 so we're buying some flooring for the new house. 406 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:54,920 Sorry, you've what? You've what? 407 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,720 Are you deaf, babe? We've moved in together. 408 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,720 We're really excited about it, aren't we, darling? 409 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,680 We are, yeah. Yeah, well... 410 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,400 WHISPERS: Congratulations. 411 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,480 All right. Howay, babe. I'm bored of this. 412 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,160 Let's fuck off to Dunelm. 413 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,680 Are you OK, Dickie? Course I'm OK, Stewart. 414 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,440 Why wouldn't I be? 415 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:19,920 I just...I just didn't know 416 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,720 they were still a couple, let alone living together. 417 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,080 You know, Dickie, Neil had a point 418 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,040 when he was talking all that gibberish earlier. 419 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,520 We all go through life searching for different things, don't we? 420 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,200 And I think you're at a place in your life 421 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,880 where you're simply searching... 422 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,720 ..for someone to love. 423 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,600 Stop touching me, Stewart, you greasy pervert! 424 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:46,920 Oh. 425 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,600 I look quite pretty. 426 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:56,600 Andrea. 427 00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,680 Andrea? 428 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,120 Andrea?! 429 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,160 BIRDSONG 430 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,840 WHOOSHING 431 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:08,880 WHISPERS: Hey. 432 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:11,520 Hey. Agh! 433 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:12,800 Neil. 434 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:13,960 It's you. 435 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,600 I'm glad you're enjoying my artificial grass. 436 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,200 But there's someone who needs you. 437 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,280 Who? 438 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,200 Andrea the rabbit. 439 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:27,480 And only you can save her. 440 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,280 Only I can save her. 441 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,760 Go, Neil! 442 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,440 Go and save the rabbit. 443 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,800 I can't feel my legs. 444 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,320 Go, Neil! Andrea needs you. 445 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,000 I'm going to save the rabbit! 446 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,080 What the fucking hell are you waiting for? Go now! 447 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,120 Andrea. 448 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,160 Yeah. Then there was, uh, Karen. 449 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,000 She was my third wife. 450 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,600 Or was she my fourth? Anyway. 451 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:58,160 Anyway, she was a right bell end, her. Took me to the cleaners. 452 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,920 So that's all right, I'm going to start a new life. 453 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,360 So I went to Fiji. 454 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,200 But don't ask me about Fiji. 455 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,680 Oh, well, since you asked me about Fiji, 456 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:07,440 let me tell you about Fiji. 457 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,480 Fiji. 458 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:10,720 Here. 459 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,040 Where's Mam? Here. 460 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,480 She's on the screen. 461 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:16,680 Oh, my God, there she is. 462 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,200 But if you want to talk to her, 463 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,240 speak there. 464 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,960 Mam? Can you hear me? 465 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,440 MUMBLES 466 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,440 ..ready. 467 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,520 Listen, not sure how to tell you this, 468 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,320 but she's moved back to the area. 469 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,760 Ugh! Evil cow! 470 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,360 Who the hell are you calling an evil cow? 471 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,960 S-Sorry. Not you. 472 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:40,920 Any luck finding Andrea? Who the fuck's Andrea? 473 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,600 The rabbit we're all meant to be looking for. 474 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,920 Oh, yeah. No luck, I'm afraid. 475 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,480 Oh, have a butcher's at this. 476 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:52,960 Hang on. You've got CCTV, Keith? 477 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,800 Oh, aye. This shop is completely covered. 478 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,840 No thieving bastard is going to nick my carpets and get away with it! 479 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,320 Maybe we'll be able to see Andrea on the cameras. 480 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,600 Good idea. 481 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,080 LUCINDA: Look, it's Neil. 482 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,760 What the hell is he doing? 483 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,240 Andrea. 484 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,800 Andrea. 485 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:18,840 Andrea! 486 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,640 Where are you going, Andrea? 487 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,280 For God's sake! 488 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,400 Curiouser and curiouser. 489 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,120 How the hell...? 490 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,760 Andrea! 491 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,520 Careful, Andrea. If you hop off that edge, 492 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,160 you'll hop to your death. 493 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:11,600 A-Andrea! 494 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,400 Yeah? 495 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,200 Uh! Oh, sorry. Not... Not you. 496 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,280 SHE TUTS 497 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,240 What's Stewart doing up there? 498 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:23,560 I can't lie, he does not look good on camera. 499 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:24,840 It's Andrea. 500 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,800 She looks like she's about to bunny dive off that shelving unit. 501 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,520 No! 502 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,680 Godspeed, you beautiful little weirdos. 503 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:41,400 Oh, shit. She's there. 504 00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,000 Stewart! 505 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,880 Why are you trying to push Andrea off the shelving unit, Stewart? 506 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,760 I'm trying to save her, but she's not listening to me. 507 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,000 You've got to grab her. I'm too scared. 508 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,160 If I get too close to her, she'll hop off. 509 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,280 THEY GASP 510 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:06,560 We did it, Mam. You're in the warehouse and you're home free. 511 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:09,800 Oh! 512 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,520 HE SCREAMS 513 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,160 Mission accomplished, Keith. Cheers, chick. 514 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:24,320 You're joking, aren't you? 515 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:25,720 MAM CRIES OUT 516 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,560 Ugh! What's the frickin' point? 517 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,640 Stewart! 518 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,640 GASPS 519 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,120 Stewart, grab her. 520 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,200 Oh, I think I've got an idea! 521 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,160 What's going on here?! 522 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:50,440 Long story short, 523 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,520 Andrea's about to jump, and Stewart's making it worse. 524 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:57,120 Grab this. We need to position it underneath Andrea in case she falls. 525 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:58,240 It's all dusty. 526 00:24:58,240 --> 00:24:59,560 Over there. No, you've got to get it 527 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,400 over there. What are you doing?! ALL SPEAK AT ONCE 528 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,760 Pull it, pull it. What are you doing?! 529 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,600 Ow! 530 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,720 I've got carpet burn now! 531 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,800 Forget it, it's not going to work. 532 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,040 HE GASPS 533 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,600 EPIC MUSIC PLAYS 534 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,880 Oh, my God. It's... It's Neil. 535 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:19,520 He's on a scissor lift. Andrea! 536 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,720 What's he doing on a scissor lift? 537 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,360 I'm coming to save you! 538 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,680 Yes, Neil! Go on, Neil! You can do it, Neil! 539 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,000 Oh, go, Neil, go! You can do it. 540 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,280 Keep going, Neil. 541 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,400 Oh, he's like a soaring eagle. 542 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,840 Go on, king kestrel. 543 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,240 EPIC MUSIC STOPS 544 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:38,840 SCISSOR LIFT WHIRS 545 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,920 EPIC MUSIC RESUMES 546 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,120 Go on, Neil! Come on, Neil! 547 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:46,400 Come on, chick, you can do it! Go on! 548 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,400 HE EXCLAIMS 549 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:50,560 Oh, heights! 550 00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:51,720 We're high. 551 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:55,600 EPIC MUSIC STOPS 552 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,520 THEY GROAN 553 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,520 Oh, Neil! 554 00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,200 Dirty chunder! 555 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,840 THEY GROAN 556 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,440 NEIL GURGLES 557 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:03,600 Oh, bloody hell, Neil. 558 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,040 Stewart, this is it. 559 00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,720 Andrea's life is in your hands now. 560 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,560 It's all down to you. 561 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,920 It's all down to me. 562 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:21,000 Andrea, please don't jump. 563 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,120 You've got so much to live for. 564 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,200 Hey, look at me. 565 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,520 I know you're scared, but it's OK. 566 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:34,080 We're your family now. 567 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,120 I know what you're going through, and it's OK that you're gay. 568 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:41,520 I'm gay too. 569 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,800 It's time for you to live your truth, Andrea. 570 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,320 I mean, when you think about it, 571 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,800 aren't we all just lil' gay rabbits? 572 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:04,600 I've got her! 573 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,240 THEY CHEER AND WHOOP 574 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,600 Rabbit! Rabbit! Rabbit! 575 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:11,840 Hey! 576 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:14,640 Who's chucked up all over me floor?! 577 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,360 MUFFLED: Sorry. 578 00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:19,600 You twat! 579 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,360 Sorry. 580 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,480 Wow. Dickie does look a bit like a rabbit. 581 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,960 Stop fucking touching me, Stewart. 582 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:38,480 # Set you free... 583 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:42,120 # Free 584 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:45,720 # Free 585 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:51,000 # When we touch each other 586 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:56,120 # In a state of ecstasy... # 63103

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