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This programme
contains strong language
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# When I hold you, baby
3
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# Feel your heartbeat close to me
4
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# Wanna stay in your arms for ever
5
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# Only love can set you free... #
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ALARM CLOCK BUZZES
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# ..Set you free
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# When we touch each other
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# In a state of ecstasy... #
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Hey, Stewart.
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I hear you're a homosexual now.
12
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Good on you, lad.
13
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Thank you.
14
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# ..Oh-ho, yeah
# Oh-ho, yeah... #
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Ee, I've heard you're gay, Stewart.
16
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I'm made up for your, pet.
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I hope you get yourself
a bit of bum fun.
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# ..Only love can set you free... #
19
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Hello?
20
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Hello?
21
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That's weird.
22
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,280
Keith?
23
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Keith?
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ALL: Surprise!
25
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Happy coming out party!
Happy coming out party, Stewart.
26
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Oh! Ooh!
27
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Ah! Oh!
28
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Sick! Ow!
29
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Yay!
30
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PARTY POPPER BANGS
31
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Why?
32
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# When I grow up
Imma be a supermodel. #
33
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How's your gammy eye, chick?
34
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,480
It's a bit sore,
to be honest, Mam.
35
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Why didn't you just duck out
the way of the cork, Stewart?
36
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Not really sure.
37
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,560
I've never known someone
with such piss-poor reflexes.
38
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,440
Ee, remember Janice, who drove over
her husband in that hit-and-run?
39
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,360
Oh, yeah. Well, I went to her 50th
a couple of months ago.
40
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Someone popped a champagne cork
right into her ear.
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It was stuck in there
for a week, apparently.
42
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,800
She can't catch a break,
can she, Janice?
43
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Do you remember when she got wedged
under that caravan
44
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,480
at her engagement party?
Poor cow.
45
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Oh, for fuck's sake!
46
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The prosecco went all
over the floor.
47
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Thanks very much, Stewart.
Now we've got no booze.
48
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Hang on. I might have something
in my office.
49
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BRB.
50
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,360
Thank God for that.
Hiya, lads. Sorry I'm late.
51
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ALL: Hiya, Sal.
52
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,040
Where have you been, chick?
I had to pick up Andrea.
53
00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,080
Who the fuck's Andrea?
54
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,320
Oh! Oh, hello, little rabbit.
Nice to meet you.
55
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You know Mel, who played guitar
for me at Pride?
56
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,840
Yeah. Lovely Mel. Well, she's popped
to Majorca for a week,
57
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so I said I'd look after her rabbit.
58
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Aww. Right, who wants a drink?
59
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DICKIE: Oh, yeah.
What is it, Keith.
60
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Home brew. I fermented it myself.
61
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Oh, how long for? 37 years.
62
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There you go.
63
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,640
Right, there...
64
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Would your little rabbit friend
like a drink?
65
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Nah, she's teetotal, Keith.
66
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,800
Ah, right. There you go, son.
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00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,920
For my brave little gay warrior.
68
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,000
We're all so proud of you.
69
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I mean, physically, you might be
very, very small and terribly weak,
70
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:44,520
but mentally, you are the biggest,
strongest person I know.
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00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,600
Happy coming out party, Stewart.
Right, well,
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00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,320
I would just like to raise a glass
73
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and say congratulations
on becoming a homosexual, Stewart.
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00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,560
You know, it takes a brave man
75
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:59,360
to admit he likes to put another
man's testicle in his mouth.
76
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Well, I don't necessar...
To Stewart.
77
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ALL: Stewart!
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THEY GROAN AND RETCH
79
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Here, Stewart...
80
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Down it.
81
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Down it!
82
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ALL: Down it! Down it! Down it!
83
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Down it! Down it!
Down it! Down it!
84
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Whoo!
85
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Christ! Is that the time?
86
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,280
Well, I'd better get
the shop opened.
87
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,960
Oh, my God, that is fucking dire.
No, absolutely not.
88
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,320
No, I can't.
89
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,360
Oh, that is bloody lovely.
90
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:37,840
Good morning, carpet lovers.
91
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You've come at exactly
the right time
92
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,760
because we've got some
cracking deals on our carpets today,
93
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,520
so please come through.
94
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,120
There you go, lads. All right?
95
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,920
Hello.
96
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,440
Hey, come on. Hey. Now, listen,
97
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:52,920
them carpets won't bite you,
you know.
98
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HE CHUCKLES
99
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,920
Oh, mate. You what?
100
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,960
Yeah, do you want a carpet?
We've got a sale on.
101
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,240
Nah, mate. You what?
Your carpets are shite, Keith.
102
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,880
Come over here and say that,
you dickhead.
103
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,760
HE SLURPS
104
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,760
Mm!
105
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,960
What sort of things does Andrea eat,
hon?
106
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,160
Can she have a Jammie Dodger? Nah,
I think it's just lettuce and that.
107
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,080
Oh. Poor Andrea.
108
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,640
I'd shoot myself in the face
if I couldn't eat Jammie Dodgers.
109
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,760
Where is Andrea, chick?
110
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,160
What do you mean?
111
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:22,880
I mean, where is Andrea?
112
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,440
I'm not really sure how else
to say it, to be honest.
113
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Well, she's here.
114
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No.
115
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,200
That's strange.
116
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,240
Andrea?
117
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,240
What are we going to do, lads?
118
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:39,600
I can't lose Andrea.
Mel's going to kill me.
119
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,840
Andrea!
120
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,920
Well, don't worry, chick,
she can't have gone far,
121
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,280
especially with those big,
stupid ears.
122
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,560
You see, this is the reason
I don't keep livestock.
123
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:54,720
Andrea! Andrea! Andrea!
Andrea! Andrea!
124
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,160
Andrea!
125
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Yeah?
126
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,160
Oh, sorry, not you.
127
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,080
OK, plan.
128
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,920
We're going to split up
into separate search parties.
129
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:11,640
Er, Lucinda, Neil and Sal,
you're going to form one team.
130
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,160
Stewart and Dickie,
you're going to come with me.
131
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:18,240
Right, let's find Andrea.
ALL: Yeah!
132
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:21,360
You know, it's funny, isn't it?
133
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:22,680
What's funny, hon?
134
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,440
We're all about to go on
a search party
135
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,360
for Andrea the rabbit.
136
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:30,800
But we're also on a constant
search party - life.
137
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,440
What the fuck are you on about,
Neil?
138
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,960
OK, let's go find Andrea.
139
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,400
ALL: Yay!
140
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,000
Greetings, carpet lovers.
141
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,920
I'm Keith from
Keith's World of Carpets,
142
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,160
and I'm crackers about carpets, me.
143
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,560
Let me guess.
144
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,600
Your beautiful
but overpowering wives
145
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:02,200
have sent you here
to buy some thick, sturdy carpets.
146
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,800
Am I right or am I right?
147
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,200
We don't have wives.
148
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,000
We're actually a couple.
149
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,200
Oh, I see.
150
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,160
Oh, Christ, me gaydar
must be malfunctioning.
151
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,880
Still, no worries, cos here
at Keith's World of Carpets
152
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,960
you can be as homosexual
as you want to be.
153
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,600
In fact, we're hosting
a coming out party today
154
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,520
for a tiny little gay fella
that works here.
155
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:26,000
Now, what is it you two
penis enthusiasts are looking for?
156
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,360
Carpets, Keith. Well,
you've come to the right place.
157
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:34,360
Follow me and I will show you
my carpet wonderland.
158
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,120
HE SCREAMS
159
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,600
I've just remembered -
I've got a sale on today.
160
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,840
Right, let's get stuck in.
161
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:42,960
Howay, lads!
162
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:50,200
Andrea! Andrea! Andrea! Andrea.
163
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:54,280
Does anyone else feel a bit
light-headed from Keith's drink?
164
00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:56,400
I wouldn't know, chick.
Couldn't keep it down.
165
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,720
God-awful stuff.
166
00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,400
Andrea!
167
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,520
Ooh! Andrea! Andrea!
168
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:04,880
Andrea. Oh! Howay, Andrea,
you silly knobhead!
169
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:08,600
Why the hell anyone would want to
own a frigging rabbit is beyond me.
170
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,360
Eh? Ugly, gormless, big-eared twats.
171
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,680
Oh, that reminds me,
I need to pay Dickie back
172
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:15,680
for those Metallica tickets.
You what?
173
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,680
Oh! Oh! Oh, I forgot
you were with us.
174
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,240
No, no, I was just saying
that I need to transfer over
175
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,400
the money for that Metallica concert
we went to.
176
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,400
Hang on, though, what did you mean
by "that reminds me"?
177
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,120
Huh? You were talking about
Andrea the rabbit
178
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,080
and how gormlessly ugly she was.
179
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,440
What is it about ugly,
gormless Andrea
180
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:35,960
that reminded you of me?
181
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:40,040
Oh, it's nothing.
Just ignore me. I'm a dozy old cow.
182
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,560
No, come on.
183
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:44,520
Well, I just think you have
certain qualities about you
184
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,520
that sometimes resemble a rabbit.
185
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,640
You're joking, aren't you?
It's only little things.
186
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,960
Like what? Well, your teeth,
your nose and your eyes.
187
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,840
That's basically my whole face.
188
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,480
I can't actually believe
I'm hearing this.
189
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,760
I mean, I've been
called names before,
190
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,520
but never a frigging rabbit.
191
00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,640
Stewart, do you think
I look like a rabbit?
192
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,240
Hmm?
193
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:04,920
Do you think I look like a rabbit?
194
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,360
Erm...
195
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:21,680
You know, guys, I really do feel
a sense of responsibility now.
196
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,640
And I know it sounds weird,
197
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:29,000
but I almost feel that the hand
of destiny is guiding me
198
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:32,360
down a new path to help other people
in the queer community.
199
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:37,000
Get over yourself, Stewart,
you annoying little rat.
200
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,480
Oh, no!
201
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,480
You're kidding me!
202
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,680
What's the matter?
203
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,160
Come on.
204
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,360
Oh, come on, baby, yeah.
205
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,880
Oh, that is so, so good.
206
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,960
Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh-ho-ho...
207
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,280
DIAL-UP MODEM CHIRRUPS
208
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,680
Show it to me.
209
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,320
Oh, yeah,
that's what I'm talking about.
210
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,040
Er... Er, what's going on?
211
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,680
Oh, sorry to intrude, Keith.
212
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,520
I needed to find a place to hide.
213
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,920
All right, well, erm,
yeah, be my guest.
214
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,240
Who is it, Mam?
215
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,680
Paula. Paula Radcliffe?
216
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,720
Hey, if that Radcliffe bitch
is here again
217
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,480
scrounging free carpet samples,
I will, swear to God...
218
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,000
No, not Paula Radcliffe.
219
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,200
Paula, my ex-wife. What?!
220
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,040
Your ex-wife is here?
221
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,320
But I thought you said
she'd moved to Bury St Edmunds.
222
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:35,760
She did. I've got no idea
why she's back.
223
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,800
But if she's here,
224
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,000
maybe that means he's here.
225
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,040
Who? Ed.
226
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:45,680
- Ed Miliband?
- If that Miliband twat is here...
227
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,480
No, not Ed Miliband.
228
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,160
My son, Ed.
229
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,320
Ah, yeah. That makes more sense.
230
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,960
I can't believe this is happening.
231
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,120
I think I'm going
to frigging hyperventilate.
232
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,080
Right. I've got a plan.
233
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,120
Me and Stewart will go over and try
and eavesdrop on the conversation.
234
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:04,200
If she says anything about Ed
or why she's back in Boro,
235
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,560
we'll let you know.
236
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,000
Howay, Stewart.
237
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,240
I said, howay!
238
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,800
I need to get out of here, Keith.
239
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,440
Can you take me
through the back door?
240
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,080
I can get you out of here, Mam...
241
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,480
..but it ain't going to be easy.
242
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,160
And then you sprinkle about 125g
of mozzarella on top,
243
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,360
and then pop it in the oven
for about 45 minutes
244
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,440
until it's a deep golden colour
on top and crispy round the edges.
245
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,880
And that is the best way to cook
a beef lasagne from scratch.
246
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,320
I don't remember anyone asking you
247
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,920
how to cook a beef lasagne
from scratch, Neil.
248
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,560
How has Andrea
just disappeared into thin air?
249
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:46,200
Don't stress, hon, we'll find her.
She can't have gone far.
250
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,440
I mean, just how big is this place,
anyway?
251
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,320
The size of two football pitches.
252
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,000
How the hell do you know that?
253
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,640
I've got freakishly
good spatial awareness,
254
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,520
and to be honest, my depth
perception's second to none.
255
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,080
I mean, I never need to measure
a room when I buy new furniture.
256
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,760
Oh, Neil's the opposite.
He can't get enough of measuring.
257
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,800
He owns 28 tape measures -
don't you, Neil?
258
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,840
Neil?
259
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,080
Neil!
260
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,800
Where the bloody hell did Neil go?
261
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,400
Andrea?
262
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,240
Andrea?
263
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:24,000
This is like a bloody rabbit warren.
264
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,160
Andrea?!
265
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:30,640
Oh!
266
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:33,120
That's it, Keith.
I've made it out the air vent.
267
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,240
What now?
268
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,920
Right. Now shimmy towards that roll
of mousey-grey carpet
269
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,360
and squat down behind it.
270
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,920
But a warning -
Paula is very close.
271
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,880
So how is that one different
to that one?
272
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,760
You'll see a manhole cover.
273
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,720
Open it...and climb in.
274
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,200
Oh, bloody hell!
275
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:55,680
Cos the colours are very subtle.
276
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:58,800
I've never noticed the softness
of Keith's carpet.
277
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,760
Shut up, Stewart, I can't hear
what she's saying.
278
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,480
Sorry, Dickie. I mean, I just can't
believe how soft they are.
279
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:05,680
We need to get closer.
280
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,480
I remember getting a carpet here
years ago.
281
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,160
Must have been 1993.
282
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:16,080
The place hasn't changed a bit,
has it? I wouldn't know. I'm 22.
283
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,160
Hey, sorry, listen to me
going on at you.
284
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:20,000
You don't want my life story,
do you?
285
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:25,040
It's just weird to be back in Boro
after all these years.
286
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,200
Yeah, I've actually
moved back up here, so...
287
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,880
Hoping to start afresh,
you see.
288
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,360
Sorry, did you want a carpet or not?
289
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:36,720
Right. Yes. Sorry.
290
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,320
The carpet - of course.
291
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,760
There was one I saw
just over this way.
292
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,680
HE GROANS
293
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,040
Did you hear that, Stewart?
294
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,240
She's moved back to Boro from
Bury St Edmunds.
295
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,880
Stewart? Stewart!
296
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,920
What the fuck are you doing,
Stewart?
297
00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,640
And then I went
to Aldi and I couldn't reach
298
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,960
the Shreddies on the top shelf.
299
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,120
So I asked a big tall lad
to help me.
300
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,960
But instead of handing me
the Shreddies,
301
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,840
he picks me up, puts me
on the top shelf
302
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,760
and then just walks off.
303
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,600
So I was up there for three hours.
304
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,120
It was in that moment
I said to meself,
305
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,760
"I am never wearing flat shoes
ever again."
306
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:18,880
Sal.
307
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:23,960
Sorry, babe. I wasn't listening to
a word you said there. Cheers, hon.
308
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,600
I'm just really freaking out
about Andrea the rabbit.
309
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,080
Hey, Sal.
310
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,080
I've never seen you so hysterical.
311
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,320
Mel's never going to speak to me
again.
312
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,080
And, well...
313
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,800
..I really like her.
314
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,480
Look, I wouldn't worry, hon.
I'm sure we'll fi...
315
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,480
Hang on a minute.
316
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,680
Are you saying that you really
like her like, "Hiya, Mel"?
317
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:47,600
Or you really like her like,
"Hiya, Mel"?
318
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,600
It's more like...
319
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,240
.."Hiya, Mel."
320
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,560
Oh. Yeah.
321
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,880
But what about Danny?
322
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,200
I don't know, babe.
323
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,760
You know we're here for you,
whatever you decide.
324
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:00,800
Come on.
325
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,000
Let's go and see
if the others have had any luck.
326
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,760
I bet Neil's all over it.
327
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:11,360
Whoa-a-a-a...
328
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,600
Hold.
329
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,200
Hold.
330
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,440
Hold.
331
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:19,920
All clear.
332
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,240
That was a close one, Keith.
Over.
333
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,960
You're doing brilliantly, Mam.
334
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,120
Hello?
335
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:29,480
Hello?!
336
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:32,200
You'd never know
me artificial grass is fake.
337
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,400
Go on. Touch it.
338
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,000
Feels good, doesn't it?
339
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,720
It feels SO real.
340
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,240
Right.
341
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,560
Well, take your shoes and socks off
342
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,280
and step on it.
343
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,680
Go on, Neil. Step on it.
344
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,640
Ah! I'm free!
345
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,880
Woohoo-hoo!
346
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,680
There's so much grass!
347
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:26,560
Oh, God.
348
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,640
HE MOANS
349
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,360
HE SNORTS
350
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,280
Oh!
351
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:34,640
HE MOANS
352
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,480
Ugh!
353
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,400
Are you in position, Mam?
354
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,120
I am, Keith.
355
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,680
Marvellous. Now listen carefully,
Mam.
356
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:46,120
In five minutes, a fellow called
Dave is due back from his break.
357
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,200
Then he's going to push
the trolley through the shop,
358
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,400
out the back and into the warehouse.
359
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,120
Now, when you feel him pushing you,
360
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,720
keep your head down, unless you want
Paula to see you.
361
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,120
Then, when you're in the warehouse,
362
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,640
you can get out
and dash out the back door.
363
00:16:58,640 --> 00:16:59,680
Understand?
364
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,400
Loud and queer, Keith.
365
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,680
Good girl.
366
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,800
God...this is just like Vietnam.
367
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:16,280
HE SIGHS
368
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,200
She's just looking at carpets now.
369
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,760
You know, Dickie,
I feel really lucky.
370
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:23,880
What are you whining on about now,
Stewart?
371
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,760
Well, I was just thinking,
even though my grandma
372
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,160
doesn't approve of who I am,
I'm so lucky to have friends
373
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,920
who have showered me
with love and acceptance.
374
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,240
Not a lot of people have that,
but I do.
375
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,120
And so...
376
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:43,560
..well, I feel like one lucky guy.
377
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,000
You're doing my fucking nut in
today, you.
378
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,320
Oh! Oh!
379
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,720
Get off! Oh!
380
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,560
Oh... Oh, for fuck's sake.
381
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,560
It's frickin'
Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
382
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,920
Oh. Hiya, Harrison. Hiya, Bobby.
383
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,640
Oh. Hiya, mate.
384
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,400
Uh, yeah. Listen,
385
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,680
we heard what you've been through
with your grandma and that.
386
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,080
Yeah. Sorry, Stewart.
But from what everyone's said,
387
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,520
you've been really brave
about the whole situation.
388
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,280
Oh. Thanks, guys.
389
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:11,880
It hasn't been the best of times,
390
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:15,480
I won't lie, but I'm really
feeling the love today.
391
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:19,920
You know, not a lot of people
know this but, uh,
392
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,520
I had a hard time
coming out to my family as well.
393
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,440
Didn't your parents take you
on a trip to London to see
394
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,160
Mamma Mia! the musical
when you came out?
395
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,000
Yes, Harrison,
but I wanted to see Miss Saigon!
396
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,960
Stewart's not the only one
who's had it hard.
397
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,160
Well, I'll buy you a drink
next time I see you
398
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,920
out and about to say congratulations
on your bravery, mate.
399
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,280
Oh. Thank you, Harrison.
400
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,120
Boop.
401
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,880
Oh...
402
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,600
What are you two doing here, anyway?
403
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,720
What do you think we're doing
in a carpet shop? Bowling?
404
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,280
We've actually moved in together,
405
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:53,240
so we're buying some flooring
for the new house.
406
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:54,920
Sorry, you've what? You've what?
407
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,720
Are you deaf, babe?
We've moved in together.
408
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,720
We're really excited about it,
aren't we, darling?
409
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,680
We are, yeah. Yeah, well...
410
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,400
WHISPERS: Congratulations.
411
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,480
All right. Howay, babe.
I'm bored of this.
412
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,160
Let's fuck off to Dunelm.
413
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,680
Are you OK, Dickie? Course I'm OK,
Stewart.
414
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,440
Why wouldn't I be?
415
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:19,920
I just...I just didn't know
416
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,720
they were still a couple,
let alone living together.
417
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,080
You know, Dickie, Neil had a point
418
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,040
when he was talking all that
gibberish earlier.
419
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,520
We all go through life searching
for different things, don't we?
420
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,200
And I think you're
at a place in your life
421
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,880
where you're simply searching...
422
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,720
..for someone to love.
423
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,600
Stop touching me, Stewart,
you greasy pervert!
424
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:46,920
Oh.
425
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,600
I look quite pretty.
426
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:56,600
Andrea.
427
00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,680
Andrea?
428
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,120
Andrea?!
429
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,160
BIRDSONG
430
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,840
WHOOSHING
431
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:08,880
WHISPERS: Hey.
432
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:11,520
Hey. Agh!
433
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:12,800
Neil.
434
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:13,960
It's you.
435
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,600
I'm glad you're enjoying
my artificial grass.
436
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,200
But there's someone who needs you.
437
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,280
Who?
438
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,200
Andrea the rabbit.
439
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:27,480
And only you can save her.
440
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,280
Only I can save her.
441
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,760
Go, Neil!
442
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,440
Go and save the rabbit.
443
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,800
I can't feel my legs.
444
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,320
Go, Neil! Andrea needs you.
445
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,000
I'm going to save the rabbit!
446
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,080
What the fucking hell
are you waiting for? Go now!
447
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,120
Andrea.
448
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,160
Yeah. Then there was, uh, Karen.
449
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,000
She was my third wife.
450
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,600
Or was she my fourth? Anyway.
451
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:58,160
Anyway, she was a right bell end,
her. Took me to the cleaners.
452
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,920
So that's all right,
I'm going to start a new life.
453
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,360
So I went to Fiji.
454
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,200
But don't ask me about Fiji.
455
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,680
Oh, well,
since you asked me about Fiji,
456
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:07,440
let me tell you about Fiji.
457
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,480
Fiji.
458
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:10,720
Here.
459
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,040
Where's Mam? Here.
460
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,480
She's on the screen.
461
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:16,680
Oh, my God, there she is.
462
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,200
But if you want to talk to her,
463
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,240
speak there.
464
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,960
Mam? Can you hear me?
465
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,440
MUMBLES
466
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,440
..ready.
467
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,520
Listen, not sure how to tell you
this,
468
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,320
but she's moved back to the area.
469
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,760
Ugh! Evil cow!
470
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,360
Who the hell are you calling
an evil cow?
471
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,960
S-Sorry. Not you.
472
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:40,920
Any luck finding Andrea?
Who the fuck's Andrea?
473
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,600
The rabbit we're all
meant to be looking for.
474
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,920
Oh, yeah. No luck, I'm afraid.
475
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,480
Oh, have a butcher's at this.
476
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:52,960
Hang on. You've got CCTV, Keith?
477
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,800
Oh, aye. This shop is completely
covered.
478
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,840
No thieving bastard is going to nick
my carpets and get away with it!
479
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,320
Maybe we'll be able to see Andrea
on the cameras.
480
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,600
Good idea.
481
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,080
LUCINDA: Look, it's Neil.
482
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,760
What the hell is he doing?
483
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,240
Andrea.
484
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,800
Andrea.
485
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:18,840
Andrea!
486
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,640
Where are you going, Andrea?
487
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,280
For God's sake!
488
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,400
Curiouser and curiouser.
489
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,120
How the hell...?
490
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,760
Andrea!
491
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,520
Careful, Andrea.
If you hop off that edge,
492
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,160
you'll hop to your death.
493
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:11,600
A-Andrea!
494
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,400
Yeah?
495
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,200
Uh! Oh, sorry. Not... Not you.
496
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,280
SHE TUTS
497
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,240
What's Stewart doing up there?
498
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:23,560
I can't lie, he does not look good
on camera.
499
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:24,840
It's Andrea.
500
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,800
She looks like she's about to
bunny dive off that shelving unit.
501
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,520
No!
502
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,680
Godspeed,
you beautiful little weirdos.
503
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:41,400
Oh, shit. She's there.
504
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,000
Stewart!
505
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,880
Why are you trying to push Andrea
off the shelving unit, Stewart?
506
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,760
I'm trying to save her,
but she's not listening to me.
507
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,000
You've got to grab her.
I'm too scared.
508
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,160
If I get too close to her,
she'll hop off.
509
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,280
THEY GASP
510
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:06,560
We did it, Mam. You're in the
warehouse and you're home free.
511
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:09,800
Oh!
512
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,520
HE SCREAMS
513
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,160
Mission accomplished, Keith.
Cheers, chick.
514
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:24,320
You're joking, aren't you?
515
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:25,720
MAM CRIES OUT
516
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,560
Ugh! What's the frickin' point?
517
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,640
Stewart!
518
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,640
GASPS
519
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,120
Stewart, grab her.
520
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,200
Oh, I think I've got an idea!
521
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,160
What's going on here?!
522
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:50,440
Long story short,
523
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,520
Andrea's about to jump,
and Stewart's making it worse.
524
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:57,120
Grab this. We need to position it
underneath Andrea in case she falls.
525
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:58,240
It's all dusty.
526
00:24:58,240 --> 00:24:59,560
Over there. No, you've got to get it
527
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,400
over there. What are you doing?!
ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
528
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,760
Pull it, pull it.
What are you doing?!
529
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,600
Ow!
530
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,720
I've got carpet burn now!
531
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,800
Forget it, it's not going to work.
532
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,040
HE GASPS
533
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,600
EPIC MUSIC PLAYS
534
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,880
Oh, my God. It's... It's Neil.
535
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:19,520
He's on a scissor lift. Andrea!
536
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,720
What's he doing on a scissor lift?
537
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,360
I'm coming to save you!
538
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,680
Yes, Neil! Go on, Neil!
You can do it, Neil!
539
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,000
Oh, go, Neil, go!
You can do it.
540
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,280
Keep going, Neil.
541
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,400
Oh, he's like a soaring eagle.
542
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,840
Go on, king kestrel.
543
00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,240
EPIC MUSIC STOPS
544
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:38,840
SCISSOR LIFT WHIRS
545
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,920
EPIC MUSIC RESUMES
546
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,120
Go on, Neil! Come on, Neil!
547
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:46,400
Come on, chick, you can do it!
Go on!
548
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,400
HE EXCLAIMS
549
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:50,560
Oh, heights!
550
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:51,720
We're high.
551
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:55,600
EPIC MUSIC STOPS
552
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,520
THEY GROAN
553
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,520
Oh, Neil!
554
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,200
Dirty chunder!
555
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,840
THEY GROAN
556
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,440
NEIL GURGLES
557
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:03,600
Oh, bloody hell, Neil.
558
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,040
Stewart, this is it.
559
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,720
Andrea's life is in your hands now.
560
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,560
It's all down to you.
561
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,920
It's all down to me.
562
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:21,000
Andrea, please don't jump.
563
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,120
You've got so much to live for.
564
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,200
Hey, look at me.
565
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,520
I know you're scared, but it's OK.
566
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:34,080
We're your family now.
567
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,120
I know what you're going through,
and it's OK that you're gay.
568
00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:41,520
I'm gay too.
569
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,800
It's time for you
to live your truth, Andrea.
570
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,320
I mean, when you think about it,
571
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,800
aren't we all just
lil' gay rabbits?
572
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:04,600
I've got her!
573
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,240
THEY CHEER AND WHOOP
574
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,600
Rabbit! Rabbit! Rabbit!
575
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:11,840
Hey!
576
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:14,640
Who's chucked up all over me floor?!
577
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,360
MUFFLED: Sorry.
578
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:19,600
You twat!
579
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,360
Sorry.
580
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,480
Wow. Dickie does look
a bit like a rabbit.
581
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,960
Stop fucking touching me, Stewart.
582
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:38,480
# Set you free...
583
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:42,120
# Free
584
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:45,720
# Free
585
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:51,000
# When we touch each other
586
00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:56,120
# In a state of ecstasy... #
63103
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