Original subtitles

You are standing in what is soon to be my cellar door.

What do you think? No way!

Mm-hm. That's, like, the dream, right?

To have your own cellar door and your own vineyard?

Yeah, or a gamble.

Still, must be nice, you know, being your own boss bitch.

Well, it's either that or be someone else's bitch.

After the fires and the trade sanctions almost wiped me out,

I had to get creative or sell it to one of the big guys.

I went with creative.

So, I'm going to suck these tourists in,

get them so shitfaced they can't drive home,

then offer them an eco-yurt and breakfast

for 1,000 bucks a night.

Yes, genius! Oh, we'll see.

Oh, speaking of shitface, I am looking for Easton.

Yeah, he ran away after last night's insanity,

and now we have this, like, fancy-shmancy fundraiser thing…

What happened last night?

Oh, you know, just Grandma June randomly returning

back from the dead.

No biggie.

You haven't seen him, have you?

No, I can't say I have. Right.

Well, hopefully he's just passed out in a ditch somewhere.

If you see him, will you kick him my way?

Oh, it'd be my pleasure. Cool.

Don't you have somewhere you're meant to be?

Yeah, right here.

I'm not going anywhere.

You invited me into your chamber.

Even sent me pics, remember?

Yeah, listen about that -

a bit weird, don't you think?

Texting me your eggplant right after your long lost mother turns up?

What? How did you find out about…?

Diana was here looking for you.

Look, my mother may be alive,

but she's still very much dead in my eyes.

The woman hadn't even heard of me.

I don't want to talk about it. Good.

I'm glad you've worked through your mummy issues.

Anyway, up you get. I've got work to do.

I'll help.

No, you've got your fundraiser.

You may come back when you actually want to be here,

not because you're avoiding the other crazy witches in your life.

So you want me to come back?

I want you to change the sheets.

What are you doing? I really need to pee.

Well, go to the toilet.

I'm waiting for June to leave.

She scares me.

Last night, she tried to touch my toosh.

Brett, you can't hide in here forever.

You'll damage your bladder.

You mean she's staying longer? How much longer?

I've got maybe another 20, tops.

I don't know. Maybe I'll learn something about her life.

Or mine.

It's really weird having someone sleep in our bed.

I hope she sleeps on your side.

On my side I've got my belly indentation.

My belly, my side.

Where are you going? I have to go to the toilet.

Well…

I don't know how Easton sleeps on that thing.

Dunno, he can have it. I want our bedroom back.

There's a little trickle. A little trick…

Shit.

Maybe the fundraiser isn't today.

Hey. Good, you're here.

Tickets to lunch have almost sold out.

Just a quick question - where the shit is everything?

Well, how do you mean? Well, table settings?

Waitstaff? Ingredients?

When Chef Zhao runs the fundraiser, he supplies everything himself.

Oh, how lovely of Chef Zhao to provide his own stuff

to the fundraisers that he organises.

Look, if part of my community service is to save your leaky roof,

then you need to buy the ingredients.

It sort of defeats the purpose to raise money if we're spending it.

He said it was better if you organised it.

I figured it was a chef thing. He said he'd told you.

Well, he didn't. And it's not a chef thing.

It's a prick thing.

I am so sorry that I have I roped you in

to yet another Westian disaster.

Easton, there'll probably be people you know in attendance.

Like who?

Ben said he's got industry folk coming.

Judge fella from that cooking show.

Your family does seem to generate catastrophe at an exceptional rate.

Lucky I love you.

Diana, you're coming with me. Ben Zhao has stitched us up.

Shall I, er, leave you to it?

No, you're maitre d'.

You make this shithole look like one of the pretentious parties

you'd go to.

What the hell are you doing down there, you nutjob?

I could've cracked my fucking head open.

Easton. What?

Sorry, mate, I didn't realise you were…

..were…

German? What?

No.

Are you?

No.

What are we cooking today?

So far, the only thing this tosspot's cooked up is an evil plan.

Wanna join? Suppose it's for a good cause.

I might just go and clean up.

Well, just make it quick, yeah?

Fucking fundraiser.

She's moved in.

She has not moved in.

Then what do you call all of this?

'Cause it sure looks like a case of the old moving-in to Brett.

Does Brett remember when we went to Canberra for an overnight trip

and Denise packed three large suitcases?

Yes. That was ridiculous.

Well, maybe ridiculous is genetic.

What is that?

Where did we go?

She chucked us on the floor for that thing?

Now do you believe me? She probably just felt left out.

But this stays here.

I'll tell her.

Aww.

We haven't aged a day since then.

Yeah, it was only last year.

Easton, mate.

I should've recognised the violent assault on my door.

You need to give me…

..us some food.

Is that your way of asking to make a booking?

Screw me over for sure,

but can you really screw over fine folks like Terry?

Hey, Terry. Hi, Ben.

I'm always happy to give Terry a feed. He knows that.

Look, you set me up for a charity event

without any ingredients.

Easton, the chef usually donates the resources.

Oh, I totally forgot. You don't have a restaurant.

Or any staff or produce or…anything.

Oh, no. Thanks for the recap.

Now fix this. Just give me some food, at least.

Ah, you see, I would,

but we usually only carry enough ingredients

to get us through service.

Look, the least you could do is…

..ditch your TV mates.

Oh, dude, it will be so much worse if I call them now

and say don't come.

It'll be fine.

Just consider it a challenge, like one of those cooking shows.

You know, if people still wanted to see you on TV.

Which…they don't.

What's wrong with you?

You want to see people like Terry starve?

They've got problems and…and shit.

Terry?

Sorry to come barging in.

So, Harry said the food here was amaze.

Yeah, Harry, um…

..seems rich.

Yeah, he's got full aristocrat vibes.

It's kinda hot.

Actually, last night, I sorta told him that I loved him.

But now I'm a bit worried

that I only said that to end a fight.

Classic Diana.

There you are. Where is he?

It's a bloody goldmine in here.

What the…?

Is that ginger?

Yeah.

Do not tell Ben we were in his bin.

Do what you want.

He chucks anything if it's a day old.

Wow. So much for zero waste, Ben.

Yeah, well, at least he's loyal to me and Kwame.

You know, sticks by us.

Doesn't call me a bitch and then not talk to me for a year.

Loyal but wasteful.

Still good.

Expires on the 4th. That was yesterday.

"Best before", not "Expires on".

There's a difference.

See? Nothing wrong with it.

The problem's in here.

Oh, that's where most of Easton's problems are.

I hate to be Mr Obvious,

but we're gonna need more than this to conjure an actual meal.

Ask your boyfriend for his credit card.

What? No, it's not mine.

Got any money? Not for you.

We don't need money.

Wait. Can I help you with that?

Oh, no it's fine. It's light.

What is it? It's an autoharp.

Completely self-taught.

And, so…

..how long are you planning on staying?

I'm not saying you have to leave immediately.

Just roughly? Oh, it depends really.

Should this live in the living room or my room?

Your room?

Oh, just the room I'm most comfortable in.

I suppose I could try the spare room once Diana goes.

Look, June, I know you regret leaving

and you want to make up for lost time, which is OK,

but we should probably all discuss it.

No, I don't regret anything.

I've had wonderful adventures.

It's just time I settled down for my remaining years.

I think the living room. Wait.

Why don't I take it for you? You really should get going.

Going? Where?

Well, to Easton and Diana's fundraiser.

Oh, I don't think they need me there.

Of course they do.

It's actually in your honour, so you must go.

In my honour?

Oh, well…

I do have a dress I've been wanting to wear,

just waiting for the right occasion.

Where is it?

Guest of honour!

This gives a whole new meaning to self-checkout, huh?

Why the hell would a supermarket throw out anchovies?

More gold.

Keep an eye out for truffles.

Yeah, I love that you guys have won the supermarket sweep

and everything, but I'm gonna need more than a tub of yoghurt

to do dessert.

There's some basics back at the kitchen - biscuits, jam.

I think they're gonna be expecting a little more than biscuits and jam.

I'd be pretty happy with that.

First thing I remember eating was biscuits with jam and custard.

Still one of my favourites.

What's one of the first things you remember eating, Unkie Eastie?

Something shit.

Maybe I could do, like, a yoghurt-based creme brulee.

No, no, no, we've got to impress these arseholes.

Do…

..Diana things.

Can't 'Diana things' just mean being good at my job?

What happened to the girl who had the entire food world

literally eating out of her panty pantry?

Hey, can we keep it down?

I've had the police called on me for this.

What? Stealing rubbish? Yeah.

Well, that's ridonk.

Can't believe how soft London's made you.

London hardened me up.

Did I tell you about the time I had to sleep under a bridge?

Sleep under a bridge for a night.

Yeah. Yeah, you did.

Jeez, mate. How did you cope?

I had thermals and a chocolate bar and…

Yeah, right. Sorry.

Shit, someone's coming.

Get down. Down!

No-one's coming.

Oooh-la-la.

So schmancy!

How did you get all this?

I worked my magic card trick.

The trick - hire help.

What the hell's she doing here?

Oh, no idea.

Just get rid of the rubbish. Yep.

Before anyone sees it.

Surprise. Guess who turned up.

Surprises are meant to be fun, and this isn't your seat.

But this is the head of the table.

Easton. Man of the hour!

Thought we'd pop around early and see how things are going.

Matt, you know Easton, yeah?

Chef West.

The last time I met you

I think I called you a 'gelded former prodigy'

and you called me a 'turgid little wiener' in riposte.

Ah, Preston.

I've always appreciated a man self-deprecating enough

to wear a cravat.

Are you going to introduce the guest of honour to your friends?

To whom do we owe the pleasure?

I'm Easton's mother, June.

Aren't you dead? Minor misunderstanding.

Maybe you should sit down this side. This is for the VIPs.

This place is very fancy.

Your cooking must be incredible.

Just behave yourself, OK?

Gentlemen.

Fragile men, all of you.

Jesus.

It's like looking into the pantry of a serial killer.

Maybe I should just roll out the wheelie bin

and get them all to eat from that.

Most people don't even know you can find good food in a bin.

You had no clue until about five minutes ago.

There's no shame in it. Yeah, I'm not so sure about that.

If you're serving deconstructed dirt crumbs on a berry froth,

I swear to God…

No, I wasn't…going to use froth, OK?

I wanna do something elegant.

Elegant? You?

Why now?

You're not here for your elegance.

OK then, well, what will you be doing to make us look so good, then,

Captain Cockhead?

He'll be turning one man's trash into another man's…

Look, can you just shut your trap for a second and let me think?!

I've somehow stumbled into a culinary class

taught by a homeless dude with a trash fetish,

and now I have to find a way out of this literal dumpster fire.

No way.

We are not having roid-rage Easton here today, alright?

This place is not about your friggin' ego, pal.

If it wasn't for Terry, you'd be serving baked beans on toast

and probably failing at that.

I thought you were trying to change.

See this carrot?

There's nothing wrong with it.

It's fit for a king.

The fact that you found it lying amongst rubbish doesn't mean

it is rubbish.

Don't blame the carrot, Easton.

The carrot's not the problem.

You are.

Wait, so I'm not the guest of honour?

But I got all dressed up.

You're not going to let me upstage you that easily, are you?

I'm a pebble in the stream.

I'm a pebble in the stream.

Let's get on with it.

Grilled romaine lettuce with anchovy-yoghurt dressing.

It's…a salad?

Sourced from?

Locally.

A local…

..lettuce patch.

Enjoy.

Cauliflower steaks in green herb-infused oil.

Carrots fit for kings.

Gnocchi pomodoro with fresh basil.

The char on that cauliflower

and the complexity of that oil - delicious.

Excuse me, everyone.

If I can have your attention for just a minute.

Today we are fortunate enough to be treated to a very special meal

cooked by none other than the enigmatic Easton West.

I'd like to invite the man himself to come on down and say a few words.

Why don't you join me, Easton? Come on.

Thank you, Ben.

I'll make it brief.

It's been an honour to cook for you fine folk.

And I know some of you are harsh critics,

so it's nice to get a tick of approval from…

Actually, I can't do this bullshit.

Fresh produce has always been the key to my success.

But today, everything you ate…

Oh, God.

..came from the bin.

All of it.

Every ingredient that went into that meal that you just ate

came from a dumpster.

Actually, it was several dumpsters.

Cafes, supermarkets, restaurants.

A big shout-out to Ben Zhao,

whose Z2 dumpster provided such plentiful bounty.

I've been working in this kitchen for a few weeks,

and I've served people who are lucky to have one meal a day.

Yet here we are, in this industry

with our heads jammed right up our own arseholes,

throwing out food because it's too lumpy

or it's got a bruise or it's two days too old.

Now, all the ingredients you ate today might have come

out of the rubbish, but they are not rubbish.

The problem is us.

You.

We're the rubbish.

Thanks for coming.

Er, hi.

So, unlike old Braveheart over there,

I'm actually gonna keep this brief.

So for me, food has always been about a story.

A personal story.

Sometimes a little too personal.

But today the story that you're gonna be eating is not actually mine.

Ah, I'm not much of a public speaker but, g'day.

So I'm Terry, I help out in the kitchen,

and I'm currently living at the fixed address of on the streets.

So, growing up, my family didn't have a lot of money

but Mum still wanted to give us the odd treat when she could.

Usually it was slapping jam on biscuits and dipping 'em in custard.

I looked forward to it so much and it still makes me feel happy,

which I reckon is what sweets are supposed to do, so, dig in.

My granddaughter, the queen of succulent sweetness, everybody.

She's such a freak.

Thanks very much.

Easton, absolutely brilliant, mate.

You've really captured the zeitgeist.

That's the wakeup call the industry needs.

Oh, you think so?

Oh, look, if you've got any ideas,

I'm happy to put you in touch with my producer.

You mean a TV thing?

Oh, TV, podcast, anything.

We could shake up this industry.

Be disrupters, whistleblowers.

It's brilliant, mate. Well done, Easton.

Thanks, Matt.

You know, I see through your fake woke bullshit, right?

You're not fooling anyone.

Hey, Di. Hey.

That was so…

..underwhelming. Oh, yeah, I know.

Yeah, I should have gone with the finger bang buns but…

Well, we are in the house of God.

You're right. Excuse me. Sorry, Jesus.

But hey, thank you, by the way, for the berries.

That was BERRY nice of you.

So, Kwams, can I… Can I just say…

Sorry, you go. No, you go.

No, you go. No, you go.

OK. Ah, yikes, awks. Um, OK.

So I just really miss…

..Nayani.

And she, like, fricken hates me.

And I just don't know what to do about it.

I think, it's gonna be fine.

You do?

Yeah.

You're a bloody superstar!

Wait.

Are you just figuring this out now?

No, no, I told you last night.

Hey, I'll see you later. OK, yeah. Thank you.

Bye.

Really? Did you like it?

Yeah, of course I liked it.

Everyone did? Everyone loved it.

Are you not just saying that?

Thanks for the day. You were…

The brains behind it? No.

Well, yes, OK.

You played a part.

A big part in today's success.

I know.

And I'm…

..sor…sorry…

..for before, when I…

I was in the army, mate.

I've been yelled at by worse than the likes of you.

Probably less afraid of being shot in the army though.

It's a big deal that he liked it, though.

He's like Aussie TV royalty, right? Yeah.

But our TV is a bit povvo, so it's not that big of a deal.

Come on. No longer welcome here.

What the hell's all this?

So, how was lunch?

Incredible.

But, why are all my things…

We've booked you into a motel.

This is our home. We will not be usurped.

Yeah. You usurper.

Mum, Brett, surely she can stay for a little bit longer?

No, she wants to live here in our house and I'm not having it.

Oh, I'm afraid it's not that simple.

No, no. There will be no further discussion.

I'm sorry, but it's not really your house, dear.

You're kidding.

June, you don't mind if I stay here, do you?

Of course not. You're all welcome.

Even you, Denise.

So whose house is it?

I know just the spot for this.

What's he… What's he laughing…

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation