Original subtitles

Well, see, it's not something I'd usually go to a doctor for,

but the bloody toenail just got more and more infected.

Oh, man!

And I was prescribed… Oh, what was it? It was…

It started with an A. It was an antibiotic. Um…

Axolotl?

Anyway, whatever it was,

I had to have three courses of it to get rid of it.

But, oh, thankfully, it's mostly gone now.

That's a relief.

I didn't want to pay 500 to some foot doctor

or whatever they're called.

Podiatrist. A podiatrist.

I have no health insurance.

I've never been to a podiatrist.

I haven't either. Have you, Harry?

Me? Um, my uncle is one.

Oh! That's lucky, isn't it?

Cool.

So, was abandoning your children worth it?

Diana.

What? I'm sorry, but your mother, who walked out on you,

comes back 40 years later

and starts telling you about her infected toe

and you're all just like, "Oh!"

Yes, yes, I was getting to it. Were you, though?

She's a real firecracker. You remind me of myself at your age.

OK, so, we…

We would like to know… What are you doing here?

Ooh, bit hot today, eh? Be good to get some rain.

Are we expecting any?

Actually, let me check.

I'm sorry, is this a bad time? It's, um… It's a long time.

Ah, rain on Thursday.

Ooh, wait, that's Queensland. Yes, it is.

But, you know, I just thought, since Jim had passed…

I just wanted to see you again.

Better late than never, I guess. Exactly.

I'm sure you understand that we are curious about

where you've been for the past 40 years.

Well, yes, of course.

It's all a bit drab, though, really.

So, it was London in the late '70s.

Oh, and I did the Hindu Kush. That was truly transformative.

Met this German man who started his own commune.

It was interesting, but, oh, the Europeans, they're a bit handsy.

Women now would be up in arms about it,

but at the time, we just shrugged it off, you know,

as a bit of unwanted fingering and got on with it.

But, you know, the last few years, I've just been travelling in my van.

So, what have you all been up to?

Are you serious? Far out. It's minus 47 in Russia.

What have we been up to? Seriously? A mother can't be curious?

It's just been such a long time. It doesn't make sense.

Well, of course it doesn't make sense.

I'm a world-famous chef and I find it very hard to believe

that you haven't seen my face anywhere,

because there was a time when my face was everywhere!

Ooh, that's lovely. Did you make this risotto?

The risotto that looks like afterbirth and tastes like ash?

No, I didn't…I didn't make this risotto.

Oh, easy!

Yeah, real nice, dude. Denise likes it smoky.

Yes, I do. It's…it's delicious.

Mm. So do I. Aw, thanks. Harry helped.

Oh, are you a chef too, Harry? Me? No, I'm a restaurateur.

None of them are chefs.

Well, Diana's a pastry chef, but I'm the only famous…

Oh, I love pastries.

You do? That's so great to hear.

Actually, some of Diana's desserts are based on your recipes.

No. No, I never cooked. I know. I know.

It turns out the dead grandma inspo was just a whole bunch of BS.

Wasn't it?

But, hey, if you want to make up for it

and come up with some sweet Nordic shit for me,

then feel free.

I thought you said the menu was done.

So, where would I know you from?

Can you believe this?

Not everybody watches cooking shows, Easton.

Easton? So, you've changed it from Jimmy?

I told him.

I wanted to call you Edgar, but, no, his father was Jim,

he was a Jim, and he wanted you to be a Jim.

That'd be like me naming you June Jr.

Easton West?

And your business partner - that's Lefton Right, is it?

That's enough!

Oh, I apologise. I…

I didn't mean to tread on a nerve.

To be honest, I…I quite like the name.

So, what's the situation here? You don't all live together?

No, Harry and I live in London, actually.

Oh, do you? Yeah.

Well, it's still a bit strange -

I mean, a married couple living with a grown man.

Well, they're not married. And why is it strange?

I mean, we're a family. We love…

We like each other, don't we? Yeah.

Anyway, we - Harry and I - have to go and check on the mains.

Yeah. Yeah, we do. Um, isn't risotto a main?

Yeah, this risotto was an entree. The mains are on their way.

Come on.

I know this has been a shock, but why all the hostility?

There was a grave out there with your name on it.

That's where we believed you were for years.

Shit!

That is weird, I agree, but I didn't come up with that.

So, for you to just reappear like this

out of the blue, it's, um…

Yes, it is.

What…what was she saying?

Sorry.

The only other excuse I had was going to the toilet,

but it'd be a bit weird if we went together.

It's fine. I'd rather be in here than out there

trying to keep up to speed with everything.

Is there another pantry? No. One toilet, one pantry.

All I can say, Harry,

is that there are several elephants in that room.

Go figure. Hey, what's with all the pears?

Oh, yeah, online shop fail.

I meant to buy 10, but I bought 10 punnets.

But the most awkward elephant for me is the Easton-living-here elephant.

Hi!

Do you need a hand? No, we're good.

OK.

Wait a sec. Herbed breadcrumbs.

Might have expired. I got them a year ago, but…

Ooh! Yes.

One month to go. OK.

So, an egg, sardines,

crapload of breadcrumbs, 500 pears.

I know it mustn't have been easy

for you as children,

but I suppose I thought you might have gotten over it.

OK. She's a deranged psychopath.

Is that any way to speak to your mum?

Oh, don't worry. That's how he speaks to everyone.

Mum? Mum?!

If you were a decent mum,

you would have followed my career and…watched my TV shows.

And…

..not walk out on you guys.

Yeah, that's…on the list.

I went to the school formal with my dress inside out.

I bought my first bra by myself.

You don't even want to know how my dad explained my period.

I was so miserable for so long.

Oh, you were the bubbliest baby.

Everybody used to say what a happy baby you were.

I was? Yes.

I didn't even know that. Yes, you had a big grin, rosy cheeks.

Was I a…bubbly baby?

I…actually can't remember.

How can a mother walk out on bubbly babies, then?

Mm! Here we go! Hope you left some room.

Careful, they're still hot. Everyone's a winner.

It's Brett's degustation. Oh, it's not that bad.

Crumbed sardines, Sicilian style. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I've been a plant-based woman for over 30 years now.

I mean, before it was a hip fad.

No worries. More for me. Molto benito.

Oh, my goodness! Jim's garage.

I hated it at the time,

but I actually missed the smell of grease and motor oil.

Well, I'll happily point you in the direction

of the nearest petrol station.

Dude! I've got to have a piddle.

It's been awhile between pit stops. You ARE coming back, I take it?

There's that West humour. Middle door to the right!

OK, I've had enough. Don't you want answers?

Well, yes, but unless the question is,

"Who's the shittest mum in history?" we're not getting any.

OK, just get rid of her, or I'm out.

Psst! Psst! Easton, out?

Just…

Are you still chewing? Brettalisimo.

Alright.

OK.

Lower?

Lower.

Maybe I should be the one to speak to her

'cause, quite often, people tell their grandkids shit

that they'd never tell their own kids, you know?

Ah, that's better. Ooh, can you smell something?

No. That's enough.

You will sit down and stop avoiding questions.

No, I can smell something too.

What is that? The crumbed pears!

Shit!

Oh, shit! The door's closed!

Brett! Brett!

Whoops.

Just…

Just leave it, Brett. Just leave it.

Believe it or not, this is all pretty standard behaviour.

No wonder you moved to London. Hmm?

Whoops.

That Jim.

Strange man.

I know relationships die, but to kill me as well and…

You were only children and it was so cruel.

Hold on, Dad was the cruel one?

He told you I was dead and dug a grave. That's sick!

He may not have been the best, or even an adequate dad,

but at least he was here for us.

I wanted to return.

Several times, I tried to contact you.

He said I was never welcome back.

I don't believe a single word

that comes out of your batty old mouth.

Okey-dokey, no more smoky.

The house smells like burnt pear and toast,

but, otherwise, all good.

So, what did you expect exactly, turning up after all this time?

Well, I suppose I thought, after so long,

everything would be fine, but obviously it's not.

I mean, there are misunderstandings.

No, no, there's no misunderstandings and it's not all fine,

so just…just get back in your van and get your tush back to the Kush

and leave us the hell alone.

But they're not lies.

If you don't believe me, why not ask Jim yourself?

What?!

Are we seriously doing this?

Yes, we are. Mum.

Pop would have found it hilarious.

Jim could barely communicate when he was alive.

Good luck getting dead Jim to make any sense.

Is widdle Weaston scared of some ghosts?

What? No. I am a bit.

I can't reach him unless all our souls are united.

Oh, well, don't worry about it, then,

'cause Easton sold his ages ago.

I feel a bit weird. I didn't even know him.

Nobody did. Come on.

Jim West…

Arrgh!..are you with us?

Oh, gee, that was a bit loud.

Jim West, we wish to communicate with you.

Can you join us?

He's probably passed out drunk.

I can feel you, Jim. I can feel your presence.

Oh! Who…who's doing that? She is.

Jim, are you here?

Jim, it's me, June.

Holy…! Speak to us, Jim.

Are you OK?

Thought that was going to be 'no'.

Did you forbid me, the mother of your children,

from coming home?

S.

O. 'So'. So what?

I'm not sure.

D.

O. 'Sodo'.

'So, do…'

So, do…we all think this is bullshit yet?

Well, he's still going.

F.

Double F.

'Sodoff'.

'Sod off'.

'Sod off'? Oh, my God!

Oh, Brett! Brett!

Sorry. I was just scared with what Jim did.

It wasn't Jim. This woman is nuts.

And you're all pathetic for going along with it.

Pardon? We are pathetic? OK.

Says the grown man who chucks a tanty

when someone doesn't know who he is.

Oh, pardon? Oh, tanty?

You know, this whole refined, grown-up shtick

just makes you seem even more juvenile.

I'm sorry. Diana juvenile?

That's a bit rich coming from you. Oh, what?

'Cause I'm not anally retentive and iron my towels?

You don't even wash your own towels!

Here I am trying to live a normal life

in a normal partnership without having to put up with…

With…with…with what? Me? It's MY room!

It's OUR house! Are you a teenager?

I haven't done anything bad in ages! Oh, yeah, you're right.

It's been ages since you publicly shamed me,

which you still haven't apologised for, by the way.

Can you just take responsibility for something in your life?

Oh, that's rich coming from somebody who hightailed it off to London

without saying goodbye to anyone.

I didn't even WANT to go to bullshit London in the first place.

I was quite happy here. I had friends and a life.

You all drove me away!

Wow. Good to know.

Oh, no, Harry, I didn't mean…

Jim!

Will you stop doing that?

He's still lingering. I should probably do a cleanse.

You know, exorcise any negative spirits.

I'll smudge.

Oh, probably a good idea. Smudge, smudge.

Oh, my gosh.

OK, she has got to go.

Can you calm down? No!

No. I'm not even convinced it's Mum.

I mean, since when was she into all this voodoo stuff?

And Mum was never that short!

Yeah, well, it has been several decades.

I knew that wedding dress was juju. Bad.

Just think about it, Denise.

Nothing that she has said has indicated

she knows anything about us.

I mean, she might have read an obituary

or an article about me.

We have a restaurant right here that was called Jim's.

OK. OK.

Is there a way if we can find out if it's definitely her or not?

Yeah, we just need to prove that she's a fraud, so we can report her

so she doesn't prey on any other emotionally disturbed family.

OK, good. You've admitted you're emotionally disturbed.

That's good. Mum?

Fine! Fine. OK, let's get some proof.

Great. Great. Brett, you can distract her.

Me? Why?

Denise and I, we can search through the old boxes of Jim's crap

and see if there's any photographs of her that he didn't throw out.

And, Diana, you search her van…for anything.

OK, yeah.

Harry, will you come with me?

Oh, no, Harry and I, we'll do the distracting.

Just…we're the A-Team. Brett.

We're the A-Team, Harry.

OK. OK.

Distraction.

I've gone through these before.

They're mostly Dad next to animals he's shot.

Yeah, well, we need to look again.

I know they're old, but if she's there,

there'll be some resemblance.

Hey, I thought we were getting along.

You know, I know I don't clean or pay rent

or contribute in any way at all,

but…I didn't realise you wanted me to leave.

Don't you want your own space?

And life?

Get back in the game?

I mean, it must feel strange, brooding alone in that room.

I need…the toilet.

I can help you with that! Arrgh!

Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you.

I just thought,

before we get back into Jim's spirit,

maybe I could show you the…irrigation system.

Oh. Why?

You know, show you what we've done with the place.

Well, I guess I'd be a fool

to turn down an invitation from such a handsome man.

Come on, then! Hey! You…!

God help me.

Have you found anything, bub?

What, are you not even talking to me anymore?

What do you want me to talk to you about?

How much you hate 'bullshit London'?

Or the fact that you lied about the menu and Kwame?

I didn't…lie.

I just didn't tell you some stuff.

Why are you keeping things from me?

I feel like I don't know who the real Diana is anymore.

Um, of course you do!

I am she!

You always used to talk about how your family were…

..were crazy liars, and…

And what?

You think I'm just like them?

Well, that is a very exaggerated response

and I think it's coming from a place of jealousy

because you found out that I had an ex-boyfriend,

and maybe you thought that I was a virgin

when I met you, like… What?

..or something like that.

Oh, shit! She's coming.

June.

June! Oh! June, don't worry about the smudge sticks.

Denise has got a cupboard full of them.

No, I'm alright. Well…

No, no, no, no, no. June, June, June, don't go in there. Don't! No!

Just have to…

Yeah, here it is. I got it. I got it. Excellent.

Let's go kill Jim. I mean evil Jim.

Look, Harry, I am sorry…

..for all the omitting stuff,

but I swear I am not like them,

nor do I ever want to be.

I just used 'nor' in a sentence.

Like, that's how influential you are.

I want to be with you and live with you

and work with you because I…

..love you, maybe.

No, sorry, not maybe. Arrgh! Words are weird.

I love you.

Definitely.

Aw!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my funking G.

Anything? No.

This bitch is going down.

Free them from evil and the spirit of wickedness.

Yeah, get out of here, spirits. Free them from evil…

Well, well, well,

if it isn't the lying swindler that is June West,

or should I call you Njorth-rbiar-tr?

You mean you don't believe I'm actually June?

Oh, I know you're not. Wests aren't vegans.

What kind of sick woman are you? What do you want from us?

Njorthrbiartr is a Norse name given to me at the commune.

It means heroic. You think MY name's stupid…

That still doesn't prove anything, though.

Yeah, she's right. You don't really know anything about us.

I mean, you can't even remember if I was a bubbly baby or not.

I mean, I don't know what it is you want from us,

but this is where your road ends, lady.

Out!

You have three puncture wounds in your right leg

where Jim's dog bit you when you were five.

That's why you're scared of dogs.

I'm not scared of them. I just wouldn't own one.

Denise, do you still have that heart-shaped birthmark

on your left bum cheek?

I love that birthmark.

So, it IS you, then. Yes, indeed.

Back from the dead. Whoo!

OK, well, goodnight.

I'll crash in the main bedroom. I know where that is.

Are you, like, OK, dude?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Alright. Well, I know you both want me out.

So…

..I'm gone!

It's only for one night, yeah, your mum?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation