All language subtitles for Masterclass David Sedaris Teaches Storytelling and Humor - 06.Writing About Loved Ones

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I have a sister named
Tiffany who committed suicide.

And my sisters and I--

we weren't necessarily thinking
of her as mentally ill.

We thought of her as
difficult, really difficult,

and unpredictable, and volatile.

But after she died--

I have a guide to my diary, so
I have all the diaries numbered.

And I don't have everything on
the guide that's in the diary,

because most of
what's in my diary

is boring and really,
to tell you the truth,

I'm just writing
it down because I'm

compelled to writing it down.

But now and then, something
happens, and I think,

oh, that's pretty good, and
I put it in my diary guide.

So after Tiffany
died, I was together

with my brother and
sisters and I put Tiffany

into the search engine.

And what came up was a portrait.

April 6, 1979, Tiffany shows
up at dad's birthday party

with a black eye.

Tiffany spent Halloween
on an army base.

Tiffany in a car accident
driving somebody else's car

with no license.

Tiffany thrown out of
her apartment in Harlem.

When you read it all
together, it was a portrait.

I don't know that you could find
a better portrait of a mentally

ill person.

And so it's interesting to go
back through that diary guide.

And then I did the same with
my sister Lisa, who I adore,

and I think she's
terribly funny.

And it's funny, just with just
little short snippet, three

or four word not even sentences,
the accurate portrait that

was formed over 40 years time.

And another great
thing about a diary

is it really is going to
help you win arguments,

because you can say, really?

That's not what you
said on July 17.

On July 17, you said you didn't
want to buy another house.

And now you're saying you do?

A diary is good for me.

I always write down everything
I give everyone for Christmas

and how much it cost and
then what they gave me.

So come Christmastime, I
can look and I can say,

well, this is how much
money I spent on her,

and then she gave me
three paper flowers,

so maybe we need to
re-evaluate for this Christmas.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I've had so many people
come up over the years

and say, well, your poor
family, and I wouldn't

want to be your friend.

You'll just write
anything about people.

And that's not true at all.

It's such a balancing
act when you're

writing about a real person.

Everybody has their
secrets, and I do not

want to expose anyone's secrets.

A lot of times, when people
are inclined to say, well,

that's not true,
that didn't happen,

if you were able to
explain in your essay

that this person was an
alcoholic, or a drug addict,

or a schizophrenic, people would
think, oh, that makes sense.

But maybe you don't
want to expose them,

so you leave that out, so
you've got somebody who's

sort of behaving erratically.

And the reader will think,
gosh, what's up with that?

This is obviously
a troubled person.

Why didn't he mention that?

But again, it's I don't want
to make it hard for anybody

at their place of business.

I don't want to
embarrass anybody.

Whenever I write about
someone in my family,

I give it to them first.

And I say, is there
anything you want

me to change or get rid of?

And I feel like I have a
pretty good understanding

of what they would object to.

But every now and then,
I'm taken by surprise.

Every now and then,
somebody will say, oh,

I don't really
want anyone knowing

that I used to wear glasses.

It can be something that
small, and I'll say, oh, OK.

I'll take that out.

An exception is my father.

I did an interview for
"The New York Times"

when my last book came
out, and the journalist

said, Well, you said some
things about your dad

in the book that
seem pretty rough.

What does he think?

And I said, I thought he'd be
dead by the time the book came

out.

He's 96.

It's a reasonable expectation.

But when I write about them,
too, people in the audience

will laugh and they think
they're laughing at,

let's say, my brother
Paul, but they're not.

My brother Paul--

I'm quoting him
saying funny things.

He's not an idiot.

He knows those things are funny.

Those are his laughs.

And it bothers me
sometimes that people

think that it's otherwise.

So when I'm writing
about people I know,

I feel like I'm trying
to celebrate them

to the best of my ability.

I've written a lot about
my mother over the years.

My mother died in 1992.

She was 62 years old.

And I feel like my
duty as a writer

is to make everybody see
how wonderful my mother was.

I want people in Korea
to like my mother.

I want people in Turkey
to like my mother.

And all those languages
that the books come out in.

That means a lot to me,
that people could see her

the way that I did.

And as a writer,
you have that power.

But when you first
start off, when

you're writing about
someone you know,

especially if you're going to
be slightly critical of someone

you know, it's
pretty common to say,

oh, she's really beautiful.

She's so beautiful,
and so funny.

Too bad she's a kleptomaniac.

But it just reads as you
flattering the person

before you get to the
real heart of the issue.

And I've seen that a hundred
times, a thousand times.

So you have to be
really careful of that.

So many people have come
up and said, gosh, you

really hate your family.

And I think I love
my family and I

think it's written on every
page, but I never say--

I've never written
that I love my family.

But to a lot of people,
unless you say that--

I love my family--

you don't love them.

But there's nothing I can do
about that because I'm not

going to say I love my family to
show you that I love my family.

And you can show people
that you love your friends.

You can make a reader
feel about someone the way

that you feel about that person.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CREWPERSON 1: All right.

Picture's up.

And roll sound.

Roll camera.

CREWPERSON 2: 204, take one.

Apple charlie common mark.

Take a mark.

Wasn't that disappointing,
like, you know what to expect?

CREWPERSON 1: Quiet on the set.

I'm often asked, what does
your family feel when you write

about them, or how do
you write about someone

who you're close to?

And so I thought I would
bring my sister, Lisa, here,

who I've written about
quite a few times,

and find out from her.

Well, I don't mind it when
you write about me anymore

because usually, I've done
something questionable

and you write about it, and I
can't stop laughing at myself.

And one of the examples of that
is in "Naked," "I Like Guys."

And when we went to
Greece, I completely

abandoned you when we
got off the flight,

and started parting my hair
on the side, covering my eye,

and instantly had a
terrible Brooklyn accent.

And I just abandoned
you, and you had such

an emotionally difficult time.

But all I could do
was laugh at myself.

And that's pretty much what
I do when you write about me,

is I just laugh.

But you, I think of
all of us in the family,

have the best sense of
humor about yourself.

I think it depends on
how it's delivered.

If somebody were to say
to you, hey, thanks a lot

for abandoning me in Greece,
then you'd be like, ugh.

But if I say, gosh, remember
the time, and all of sudden

you were speaking with
this New York accent,

and you changed
your hairstyle even,

then you're like, oh, my god.

That's so--

[LAUGHS]

I don't know.

You can kind of step back
in a way, so a lot of times

when people say to me, I
tried writing about my sister

and she got furious
at me, I always

think, well, what did you write?

Another thing I didn't
think about when I started

writing about the family--

and I know you told me
about this years ago,

that you'll go to a dinner
party, and people will say,

I know all about you.

I know everything about you.

But if you said, OK,
what do you know?

They know you have a parrot.

They know that we went to
a firing range together.

It's not like they know intimate
details about your life.

Well, just one.

In "Naked," when you
wrote about the US Open,

you and I were someplace
and you had done a reading.

And after the reading,
everybody got together

and they were playing this game.

And so somebody said, when did
Lisa Sedaris become a woman?

And somebody said,
the golf course.

And then you were in shock.

And then he said,
well, what hole?

14th hole.

And you looked at me
and you apologized.

You said, I had no idea that
this was going to happen.

But it was a trivia
contest that the book store

was holding.

It was a trivia--

exactly.

Because I wrote that
essay, the "Women's Open,"

about you had your first
period on the golf course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I know someone
put together a book--

it was like an anthology--

of menstrual stories.

And I think they
approached me to ask

you to write a story about it
because they were angry at me

that I would have
broken your menstrual--

that I would have
told that story.

But that's something
I never anticipated.

And I know what happens
with Paul a lot,

because Paul loved
to be written about.

But then he became trapped
in amber, in a way.

And people are like,
do the rooster.

Say this, say that.

And that story that
I wrote, maybe it

came out in like 2001
or something, that story

about Paul.

And as you know, Paul's
changed a lot since then.

And I can see how
irritating it would be.

He'd want to say to
people, can I grow?

Do you mind if I
change a bit, that I

don't remain the person
who you insist that I was?

And that's something I
had never anticipated.

I like the fact that
sometimes, you'll send me

stories in the mail to read.

You know, what do
you think about this?

A lot of times,
it'll have me in it,

and you'll be concerned
about did I get this right

or whatever.

So I appreciate that.

And then there have
a been couple times

where you surprised me.

And the last time you
came to Winston-Salem,

you surprised me
with a story that

started off with Starbucks.

And then I later told you did
I had a problem with something

in there.

And even though I don't think
you got why I had a problem,

you changed it.

Yeah.

It didn't occur to me.

I know there are certain things
that we've never necessarily

talked about it, but
I'm just assuming

there are things you don't
want me writing about.

Right, exactly.

But this was something
that just surprised me

because I wrote this
essay, and "The New Yorker"

said, can you get into
it a little quicker?

And I thought, oh,
here's an easy way.

And it didn't occur to
me that it was something

that you were sensitive about.

Right.

But you still changed it.

Yeah, I changed it.

I feel like it's corrupt
to then try to say, well,

it's not like people--

it's not like that many people
you know are going to read it,

or it's not like--

because it's possible.

It would be possible for
me to break you down.

Do you feel self-conscious
when we're together?

Do you worry that anything
you say is fodder for--

do you hold back?

Well, you usually
give me a signal.

And that is, we'll
be taking a walk,

and you'll start laughing
and pull out your notebook.

Then once you pull out your
notebook and make a notation,

I say to myself, oh, boy.

What did I say?

Where is it going to turn up?

But yeah, so I'm usually
aware when you're going

to write something about me.

But do you always feel dread?

That's an
interesting question.

I don't think so, not
anymore, because you

are gentle with your
descriptions of what's

happening and I don't
have to be afraid

that you're going to
hurt me in your writing.

Like I say, most of
the time you make

me take a really good look
at myself and I crack up.

And I did buy
you a beach house.

And you did buy
us a beach house,

and you got a book out of that.

Yeah, I did get a complete
book out of the beach house.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry.

I did.

But when people
say that, like when

they say, how can your family
stand it when you write?

I say, I bought
them a beach house.

But I feel like every
time we get together

at the beach as a family,
there's a story there--

every time.

And sometimes, I
can't write that story

because it would hurt somebody.

But it always bothers
me when people

act like I'll write about
anything because I would have

written those stories
if it was true

that I'd write about anything.

Sometimes when you look back on
a beach trip or a get-together,

there's a glaring theme to it.

But it's not anything
that you could--

Write about?

Write about.

Luckily, there's always a
subtheme, a comic subtheme.

But like when we
go to the beach,

Amy organizers those spa nights.

My favorite thing.

And we've got someone doing
our toes, and we've got--

Japanese masks.

Yeah, and we've got
towels wrapped on our heads.

Cucumbers.

And I always wanted to write
about that because I always

think about that
when people say,

your family's so dysfunctional.

It's like, we get spa treatments
together at home at the beach

house.

How could that possibly be--
that's such a beautiful thing

to me--

It is.

--because we've got
cucumbers on our eyes,

and we've got towels
over our heads,

and I just like how it's almost
like beach blanket talk to me.

It's that kind of
lazy, drifting.

The things that
are said are just

so loose and so unexpected.

And Amy's so funny.

That's Amy's night.

Yeah.

Amy is funny, like
weapon-grade funny.

When Amy's around, you
laugh until you hurt

and you're sore the next day.

And it can just--

On our final evening at the
beach over the Thanksgiving

weekend, Amy and
my niece, Madeline,

usually host a spa night.

They dress in uniforms and
let it be known beforehand

that clients are expected
to tip, and generously.

Facials are given and
Kathy offers foot massages.

The treatments feel
great, but the best part

is listening to Amy, who plays
the role of the supervisor.

This year, while massaging
clay into my father's face,

she asked him if he
was alone this evening

or with his gay lover.

I know that a lot of
men, such as yourself,

also like their testicles
waxed, Amy said.

If that is of any
interest to you,

sir, I can get my trainee,
Madeline, right on it.

Maddie, are you up for this?

And so subversive.

Not just insisting
that our father is gay,

but that his 12-year-old
granddaughter might want

to rip the hair off his balls.

Before the clay is
rubbed into our faces,

we're outfitted in shower caps.

And afterward,
while it dries, we

lie back with cucumber
slices on our eyes.

It's easier to write about
people that you love.

That said, relationships
can be complicated.

And it's harder to
write about something

when it's complicated.

The one thing I regret writing--

if I could take it back--

I wrote an essay about my
French teacher in Paris.

Oh, right.

And she would throw chalk
at people, and mocked them,

and she poked a Korean girl
in the eye with a pencil

and told her to wake
up or go back to Seoul.

And but I didn't write that we
adored her because I was lazy

and it would be too complicated.

I thought, well gosh.

How do you say all that
and say that we loved her?

And so I thought, well, I'll
just leave that part out.

And that's why I regret
it because it would

have been such a richer story.

And they're always
richer when you can add

that element of complication.

It's hard to talk about the
complication, but I don't know.

It's really important,
and ultimately, really, I

think it makes the
essay more relatable.

Like when dad said, she was
my mother and I loved her,

that's not telling us anything.

And I know, also, dad got
mad when I wrote that story

about mom's drinking.

But I think what he
didn't understand

was that people still love her.

It's not like you say--

and I'm not saying even
that's a bad thing.

But you discuss one
fault, and then people

are going to think like, ugh,
I don't like that person.

I think it makes
her more complicated

and but it doesn't diminish
her in any way, I don't think.

No.

And I've heard
from so many people

after that essay came out.

And a woman came up to me
in a book signing and said,

I'm the woman you
described in your essay.

She said, I'm a
late-in-life alcoholic.

And when you read that essay
tonight, I thought, oh, my god.

That's how my children see me.

And but I've heard
from a number of--

and it's not like
you're writing like,

oh, my mother was an
alcoholic, and she abused us,

and blah, blah, blah.

It wasn't that.

Lots of really good
people are alcoholics.

They're really good
people, but they just

can't seem to stop drinking.

I don't know.

I just wanted,
when I wrote that,

to insist that she's
still a loving person.

She's still a wonderful mother.

It's just, she had this problem.

And one of the things I regret
was that we couldn't help her

with it.

Right.

Well, it feels weird to
have a conversation on stage

like this, but I can't
think of anybody I'd rather

talk to this afternoon.

Thank you so much.

Well, thank you.

I feel the same way.

CREWPERSON 1: Thank you so much.

All right.

CREWPERSON 1: That
was wonderful.

Well, it was fun.

CREWPERSON 1: Yeah.

David said I would have fun.

CREWPERSON 2: Cut.

I was with Lisa at a Starbucks
in the airport in Las Vegas,

and I left her alone for,
I don't know, 20 seconds.

And I came back, and the
person behind the counter said,

My gynecologist told me
the exact same thing.

And I'm thinking, what on earth?

What on earth were
you two talking about?

She can get into it really
quickly with somebody.

I so admire her skill
as a conversationalist.

And she's genuinely
interested in people,

and I think people can
tell that it's genuine.

And so when they respond
to her, they're warm

and they're really
giving of themselves.

She's a wonderful person
to spend time with.

And Lisa is the kind of person
who makes essays happen.

I've written so many essays
about being with her.

And every time I've
gone to visit her,

or when we get
together at the beach,

I just always feel like
there's enough there afterwards

to write an entire essay.

And it's effortless.

It's effortless.

My-- go out of my
way to make people

think that I'm fond of her.

I think it's very
clear that I am,

and I've been a very
fortunate person, that I'm

fond of everybody in my family.

It's much easier to
write about people

you're fond of than it is
people who you don't like.

And I published a book, my
diary book that came out,

and I ran into
somebody from Chicago.

And they said, I
couldn't believe

you mentioned so-and-so.

You didn't mention so-and-so.

And I said, well,
I don't want to run

into somebody who I've said
horrible things about in print.

I don't want to have to
worry when I walk into a room

that there's going to
be somebody there angry.

I don't like to
write about people

who I don't like until
they die, and I'm

delighted when they die.

I talked to somebody
a while ago and they

said, Isn't it just awful
when people are living?

And I knew exactly
what they meant.