Original subtitles

Fortysomething - 1x02 Transcript by wizyw (wizyw422@gmail.com)

This is Paul Slippery.

He can't remember when he last had sex.

Today he's going to do something about this.

Isn't it a lovely day?

Where are you?

Really though. Doesn't it just make you want to... you know...

I mean... I've got the whole day off and...

I just feel like... getting down to some...

- You're dressed! - Yeah.

That must be the world record for getting dressed.

I'm late for work.

Also you looked as though you were up for it.

You know, it's extraordinary...

I sometimes think that men and women move at completely different speeds.

I wander around all sort of wrapped in my own little world,

meanwhile you've probably made an omelette or something.

- Estelle! - What?

Can we just...?

Just what? Have sex in the street?

- I'll be right down! - No, Rory and I've got to go to work.

We have to talk about... food!

Maybe she is in a different time-space continuum.

Maybe she's already in her office drinking coffee.

Now, you see that's weird because you're both outside the door.

It's not the only thing that's weird around here.

I forgot my car radio and he forgot his wooly hat.

Wooly hat?

Yeah, you need a wooly hat when you work with homeless people.

Helps you to blend in.

And you need a car radio when you work in...?

- Haven't got a clue, have you? - I have!

- I know that Rory works for a charity called... - Side Street.

I knew that.

Paul, for God's sake!

Do you fancy staying in tonight?

I could cook.

I could do...

I could do wood-roasted ptarmigan.

Do we have any wood?

Estelle! Estelle!

Estelle!

Estelle!

Hello! This is your husband!

Can we have dinner?

Busty!

Here, Busty! Here! Give it here, Busty!

Give me Paul's towel at once, Busty!

At once, do you hear?

I'll ask you just one more time and then I will become really angry!

- I'm so sorry. - Not a problem.

He's only 9 months, you see.

Could I borrow your newspaper?

It's today's.

Fair enough.

Busty!

Stay away, I am naked! I'm completely naked!

He's naked!

- It's okay! - It's okay that I'm naked.

It's all right, I am no longer naked!

I am no longer naked!

Okay, I have trousers.

- She's still in there? - Yep.

She's always in there.

Paul, she lives here now. With Dan?

You have to wear clothes all of the time!

It's not safe.

Why aren't you at school?

Waiting for the post, I'm expecting a parcel.

No, it's all right, I have trousers.

I have trousers.

Do I really spend too much time in the bathroom?

Not at all.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

What is that? Is that drugs?

No.

It's drugs, isn't it? You've been sent drugs!

No, father. Wish I had.

I have to go out and buy them like everyone else.

- Why aren't you at school? - Study day.

We're supposed to do some stupid documentary about seals.

What are you doing tonight?

What are you doing tonight?

I shall be cooking an intimate supper for your mum and me.

So perhaps you care to go and dine with your drug dealer.

No, that's disgusting!

- You're gonna have sex with my mum! - This is gross!

"The Big Book of Erotic Food."

What kind of tragic pervert needs to buy a book like this?

I've got a message from dad.

He wants to know what I'm doing this evening.

He's going on about cooking you a quiet dinner.

- What on earth does he want? - I've got a good idea what he might want.

Good luck, darling.

- The first day is always the worst. - Thanks, mum.

I'm thinking about the first time I took you to school

you were bawling your head off the whole way there.

- You were only... - Mum.

I'll be okay.

Are you all right about Dan and Laura?

Yeah, I just don't think Laura and I are really right for each other.

Laura and Dan aren't right for each other.

Dan's right for Laura.

And Amy, and Helena, and Sarah Jane and Rebecca Froley...

- He was sick on Joe Plately's wife! - Carol-Anne!

You're just too nice for this world, Rory.

- Hello? - Paul? Surinder.

Look, I know it's your day off, but Pilfrey hasn't turned up.

- So if you wouldn't mind coming in...? - Course I wouldn't mind.

But listen, Surinder.

I do have to be away by the end of the morning.

I'm cooking a special dinner for Estelle, just the two of us.

Listen, I've been thinking really hard about this.

There are some people who have sex three times a week,

and they feel pretty chaffed about it.

Then there are some people who have it once a month,

and they feel slightly less chaffed about it.

And there are some people

who only have sex once every six months,

and they feel really quite down about it.

But you know, Surinder, maybe I only have sex once a year.

Then why do you sound so cheerful about it?

Because tonight's the night.

Hi, Lisa.

Hello, gorgeous!

- Have I gone too far? - No, not at all.

We have our first customer of the day.

I spoke to him and it turns out he very much wants to talk to you.

Jesus!

That's my husband's partner.

I rather gathered Paul was straight.

Ronnie Pilfrey, dr. Ronnie Pilfrey!

He's the most disgusting little creep I've ever met in my life.

He's all yours, then.

Daniel, I know you're in there.

And I know that Laura's in there with you,

and that's fine, that's completely your affair.

I just... you know...

Shouldn't we think about Rory for a moment?

Hold on.

Although it will probably be for you.

No one calls for me these days.

All I seem to do is answer the door for young women in short skirts

who flash their bellybuttons at me and they're completely...

Lovely.

Just checking. How can I help?

You must be Paul? Dan's dad?

I'm Dan's girlfriend, Lucy? Laura's sister?

I've been in Thailand for like a year but I'm back?

He said I could stay over?

- Did he, bejabbers? - You're just as he described you.

Well, do come in.

Here, let me... Let me take that off you.

- So how did he describe me? - Oh, in detail.

So where is my lovely Dan?

He went out.

And then he came back.

Edwin!

Edwin!

Right, well... What about a cup of tea?

No, I think I'll just go straight up.

No, you don't wanna do that. Edwin!

Hi. Edwin, this is Lucy, Daniel's girlfriend, Laura's sister.

She's just back from Thailand, she's here to see Daniel,

who is, as we speak,

- in bed with... - Flu.

- Right! Right, which... - You don't wanna catch.

No, you don't. I'm a doctor. Did Daniel tell you that?

- Poor Dan! - He's listless.

- Completely listless. - He is!

It's like another spirit's come down and invaded his body.

Edwin? Wanna come and give me a hand?

Would I like catch it if I just stood by the door?

No idea.

But you're a doctor?

Yes, I am a doctor, yes. But you know we doctors,

we make a big show of competence as far as diseases concerned.

Yeah, Daniel said.

Did he really?

Get that Laura out of his room!

What do you think he's doing with all those... women?

- Boy's sex-mad! - Can't see where he gets that from.

Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!

Oh my God, is that Laura?

Yes, it is. It is your sister.

Who, as you probably know, is staying here,

- because she's going out with... - Rory.

She's probably in his room, right now.

Indeed. In fact, Edwin, why don't you go and tell her that her sister

- is on the premises? - Why don't I?

So which is better, at the north or the south of Thailand?

Hey! Rory's bedroom, now.

- What? - You've gotta go to Rory's bedroom, now!

- Why? - Because you're living with him!

Wait.

Come on!

- Edwin, what's going on? - Move it!

- Laura! - Lucy!

Hey!

- You look fantastic. - Yeah, you too.

Oh my God! How's Rory?

Right, yeah. See, Laura, we've just been downstairs telling Luce

- how you've been living here with... - Rory.

Right.

And now we've found you on your way to his room which is just here.

How was Thailand?

Great, great.

Oh, and poor Dan has flu.

Does he?

See? She doesn't even know that Dan's got flu.

That's how little she has to do with him because she's going out with Rory,

so obviously she tends to stick with Rory.

And Daniel's room would be...

I'll tell him you're here.

Daniel!

Look who it is!

Oh my goodness, what's that doing here, Daniel?

That's... that's my wife's. Nightdress.

So it's Lucy, remember Lucy?

Of course! Hi, Luce! How was Thailand?

What's Laura's teddy doing on your bed?

I put that there.

So Dan, did you know that Lucy was coming?

Did you tell Daniel you were coming or you wanted to be a surprise?

So how you're feeling then? Cause you look fine.

- I don't know... - I am fine!

Well, well, well.

And Laura's fine too, is she?

Is Laura fine too?

Is that why you keep mentioning her in your emails?

Really? What does he say?

He's always going on about how beautiful your skin is.

Well, Edwin...

I think we might leave these three together, don't you?

- Yeah, I think I might go to school, man. - Yeah, me too.

No, stick around!

That's fine, we'll... leave you alone with your two friends

and you can have a long chat about things in general.

Are you Rory?

- Hi. - Hi. Welcome to Side Street!

This is Bolt. Alec.

This is Raz.

Maz. Chaz.

And Paz, hiding in the back there.

Are they all... homeless?

No, they all work here.

It's their job to actually go out and find young homeless people

and bring them back into the centre.

Have they found any?

Yeah. Me.

I'm Kevin.

Hi.

Are those for Number 17?

Edwin Slippery.

Yes.

This one got damaged in transit, I'm afraid.

Wow, that's pretty bad, isn't it?

There could be delicate things in here.

Yes, these aren't actually for me.

Edwin Slippery.

Yeah, I'm not Edwin Slippery.

He's my son, you see, I just wanted to see what was in this parcel.

Thought it might be drugs.

But it isn't! Which is obviously... a relief.

Sign here, please.

Thank you.

Penis enlargement cream, anyone?

Okay.

I'm shagging her.

Let's talk about it.

Is there much to talk about?

Do you think I might learn something?

Bitch!

We specialise in medical placements, as you know.

That was one of the reasons I approached this particular agency

to handle my talent.

The other was...

...you.

Paul let it slip that you worked here, and I thought, you know...

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Paul must be very threatened by your job.

- Do you think? - One attractive woman like you,

out in the world,

full of other very sexually attractive men,

eyeing you up.

Making risky propositions, like...

What are you doing for lunch?

I usually have a sandwich in the office.

Is a sandwich in the office enough

for a beautiful and dynamic woman like you?

I have an apple sometimes.

Would you excuse me for one moment?

He's coming on to me, what do I do?

Say you're gay. That's what I used to do.

- But you are gay. - So I am!

- You could be gay. - Do you think?

Be nice to him.

Ducane Pharmaceuticals are prepared to pay a fortune for the little rat.

What's this?

I'll tell you what this is.

My youngest son's just ordered this from a sex supermarket in Wolverhampton

where I intend to return forthwith.

What's the matter with this country? Young man pays good money

for some honest pornography and what he gets is:

"The Science of Loving", by dr. Christian den Haag.

I ask you, who wants to hear a doctor banging on about sex?

Try me.

Oh my God!

Paul?

- It's Proek! - Who's Proek?

Proek is the father of both of Dan's girlfriends.

I cannot see him, Surinder. You'll have to see him.

- My name is Proek. - Eh?

Mr. Proek? P-R-O-E-K.

And which doctor you're down to see?

Dr. Pilfrey.

Dr. Pilfrey usually comes up behind me and sort of lays his hands on me.

Sometimes he lays his hands on my tummy.

And sometimes he lays his hands on my thighs.

And sometimes he lays his hands on my...

Yes. What exactly is your complaint?

My complaint is that dr. Pilfrey is not here.

And I want him to lay his hands on me.

Right.

Are you making a note of my symptoms?

Not exactly, no.

You haven't told me what they are yet.

No, this just says:

ricotta cheese, smoked eel and hard-boiled egg.

What are your symptoms?

I feel this overwhelming sense of impending doom.

Dr. Pilfrey usually gives me dreptomycil.

He gave me dreptomycil when I had this scaley-thing on my arm

and my hair went all strange.

It's free.

Right.

Well, if dr. Pilfrey gave you dreptomycil, then dreptomysil you shall have.

Have lots and lots and lots of dreptomycil.

Although before we go cheerfully prescribe you any,

we probably ought to find out what the drug is.

Dr. Pilfrey swears by it.

Does he?

Dr. Pilfrey put me on dreptomycil for depression.

Genital warts. He gives me dreptomycil.

Dr. Pilfrey gave it to me. Dipto-something...

- Dreptomycil? - That's the one!

If it's not in Featherwells,

that means it's only come on the market in the last six months.

Unless it's a drug Pilfrey's testing.

He's dishing them out like Smarties!

Pilfrey's a competent doctor, Paul.

Well, reasonably competent.

Mr. Proek, please. Room 3. Mr. Proek!

Surinder, have you gone mad? I said no Proek!

I'm not here.

Hello there, Mr. Proek. Do take a seat.

Take a seat? I've not taken a seat for three days!

What's the problem, Mr. Proek?

- I need a man. - Don't we all?

I need to see a male doctor.

I have a very intimate complaint.

I quite understand, I'll try and find you a male doctor.

Surinder, I cannot see this man!

Paul, you can't just...

It is to do with my bottom.

My son is shagging both his daughters!

I need to see a male doctor, urgently!

All right. Give him my mobile number, but don't tell him my name!

Right, I'm going shopping.

The great thing about dreptomycil

is that we use it for such a wide variety of complaints.

We found it has a very good effect on headaches,

and a woman not sure why uses it as a cream on warts,

athlete's foot, and certain kinds of scrofula.

As a spray it has a remarkable effect!

I'm using it to manage some kind of psychiatric disorders,

such as schizophrenia.

And I'm pretty sure it helps you to go to sleep, as well.

If you take enough of it.

That's enough about me.

What about you?

Me?

How are you and Paul?

Is he coping?

Would he be threatened if he knew that you and I were face to face

with our knees touching under the table?

They're not.

Isn't Paul going through a midlife crisis of some kind at the moment?

And would our intimate lunch further undermine his masculinity

in terms of the fact that --- and I speak here as a collegue,

who, though not a close friend, does keep his ear to the ground...

and to the door.

Well, as it were, you know, without obviously eavesdropping as such ---

the fact that he can't remember when he last had sex.

Yes, he's working on that.

Hallo?

This is dr. Christian den Haag speaking. How may I help?

Dr. den Haag, my name is Proek.

I have a very intimate problem.

Paul is losing control.

As your wee once grow up and away from the nest he's losing control as the father.

He's losing his status as a doctor!

Mr. Proek, I have to tell you that we Dutch are

naturally very calm and undisturbed by all the intimate problems

that mother nature throws in our directions.

But most importantly,

he's losing his role as hunter, gatherer,

as you go out into the world and take lunch with dynamic men like me!

Dr. Pilfrey, will you please take your hand off mine?

I'm not the sort of doctor who is liable to say...

Jesus!

Hello?

You feel if Paul could see this he would get the wrong end of the stick

and that frightens you! Because there's a right end of the stick!

Dr. Pilfrey, whatever you might think about Paul,

he's not a desperately jealous, insecure parody of a husband

who follows his wife around!

Pilfrey!

Pilfrey, I will kill you, I swear it!

Get out here and fight like a man you worm!

Pilfrey!

For God's sake, Paul, get a grip!

- What are you doing here? - Will you just calm down?

I'm sorry but this man is supposed to be in a surgery

healing the sick, not swanning around in Italian restaurants

buying lunch for my wife!

Actually, I bought him lunch. Dr. Pilfrey's a client of ours.

We're here to discuss my move to Ducane Pharmaceuticals

to work on the dreptomycil account.

And may I say Paul, if you had bothered to consult

the practice diary before barging in here and making a scene,

you would know I'm not in today! I'm not supposed to be in today!

- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not!

I know the timetables!

In my laptop, it's on my palmtop,

- it's in my brain! - Bollocks.

Paul.

Look, I loathe the little creep even more than you do.

But this is business.

Darling, try and remember all those years when you were the only one working.

And I supported you and I listened to all your troubles.

All I'm asking is for you to do the same for me right now.

Please.

Do you think we'll have sex tonight?

It is possible.

And if we do, will I remember it?

I shall endevour to make it really, really memorable.

All right, I'll see you later.

And remember, I'm cooking tonight.

Hello, this is Dr. Christian den Haag.

I'm afraid that I am perhaps abroad or away from my desk at the moment.

Please leave a sexy message after the beep and I'll call you back.

"Hasta la vista", as we say in Amsterdam.

Are you in despair?

No.

I was feeling a bit weird that I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

Join the club.

How long have you been here?

Three months.

You're not supposed to stay more than four weeks.

You know I've got the feeling you and I have met somewhere before.

You were at Cranwell School. I didn't like to say.

Yes, I was.

You're Slippery. You were in Macbeth.

You're Kevin Marshall, you were Macbeth!

You were really good.

What happened?

I got depressed.

Still am depressed.

This is the nearest I've got to being happy.

But time's up.

They say I've got to go.

Hey, Luce. What are you doing?

Calling dad.

Oh, really?

Do you think he should know about this?

- Maybe we should talk, Luce. - Yeah, definitely.

Please, as if I'm going to tell him anything about this.

Cool. Well, you know, either way.

- Do you want us to...? - Dad, hi!

It's me!

No, I just got in.

No, I'm fine.

How's mum?

No, I've just popped in on Daniel and now I'm on my way home.

Laura's been sleeping with Daniel!

What?!

Stay right where you are! Where are you?

And he's there with you, is he?

Now listen to me, Lucy, my sweet girl,

I am a pest control operative.

And I deal with people like Daniel Slippery for a living!

- Hello, I'm wondering... - Just a moment, sir, I'm adjusting a crab.

There, you see? Pinches overlapping. It's not rocket science.

Off you go.

Sorry for the hold-up, sir. How can I help you?

I was wondering if you had any oysters.

You're in luck, sir, it's all internet cafés around here at the moment.

Don't know how they pay the rent.

Right.

Right, because I'm trying to make something called "Bivulva Burst"

and apparently you need two dozen oysters

and a pint of sherry.

Are we talking about the "Big Book of Erotic Food" by any chance?

Do you know it?

Inside out, if you take my meaning.

No, my brother-in-law submitted a recipe for the publishers.

Pornographic, which we all enjoyed.

But they said it had too much garlic for the average reader.

So you have a special lady in mind, sir?

My wife.

As you wish, sir.

No, it really is my wife.

Please sir, I understand.

No, it actually is my wife.

Sir, I sell fish. I leave judging to others.

Sea bream has a powerful aphrodisiac effect, they told me.

And shark has enormous erotic potential in the right end.

Can I interest you in some sharks for the... wife?

Excuse me.

Hello, this is Christan den Haag.

- Hello. - Ah, Mr. Proek!

I'm so glad you're calling again.

I'm on my way to Wimbledon, there's something of a...

family crisis at the moment.

I don't think you should be going anywhere at the moment

with your very bad, bad problem.

Tell me about it!

Would you like some water, sir? I could easily send one of the girls.

I'm having a pain in a part of my body which is...

...rather difficult to mention in this environment.

Speak freely, Mr. Proek.

What is the opposite of top?

The opposite of top? The opposite of top...

What is the opposite of top?

I believe you're groping for "bottom" there, sir.

- Thank you. - Don't mention it.

So just the oysters then.

Yes, Mr. Proek, so you have a problem in your bottom,

tell me whereabouts it is located this problem on your bottom.

If I say "don't mention it", I mean do not mention it. Please.

It is adjacent to my actual... rear opening.

Good, so it's next to your rear opening on your bottom, Mr. Proek.

Now I want you to do something.

I want you to take a firm hold of your bottocks,

- and reach into the cleft... - Right, that's it.

...and I want you to palpate this thing,

I want you to give it a good hard squeeze.

Kindly pay for your purchase and leave.

Mr. Proek, I have to call you back.

What, is there a problem?

I can take a "bottom", I can even swallow "bottocks",

but I draw the line at "cleft".

Oh, I see.

So sniggering about adultery and sexual innuendo, that's all fine.

But mentioning a part of the body that we all share,

that can't be done in a polite society, is that right?

What is the matter with this country?

You've got a bottom, I've got a bottom,

fish have got bottoms, sort of.

Please sir, don't drag the fish into this.

Into your ugly world.

This country was built on fish, the great clouds of cod and whiting,

the gurnard, the fork-bearded lamprey, the Whitstable eel,

that has the tact to mate just once every three years, yes.

With respect, sir, you know nothing of fish.

I hope your erotic meal chokes you, sir, yes,

you and the one for whom it's intended.

For the record, I think you've got more chance of making it with a...

with a thornbacked ray than with another human being

this or any other evening.

Yeah, fair point.

Keep the change.

Next, please!

Look, I'm a person who takes relationships very seriously.

I'm not just some callow, sexist...

...student.

I'm Daniel Slippery!

I wanna be here for both of you.

And I'm not just into sex.

Sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex.

You may well talk about sex.

While you're all gonna be lounging around in here,

a man has left here three dozen inflatable women

and a year's supply of penis enlargement cream,

which I've been forced to carry around in the back of my car.

Edwin, can you deal with this please?

Yes, Edwin, can you deal with this?

It wasn't intended for personal use.

It's just overorder.

I've got less than four hours to make "Bivulva Burst",

the "Crotch of John Dory" and "Proud Banana with Whipped Cream",

and there are dildos in this parcel. I ask you, dildos.

- I never asked for dildos. - Do you mind?

We're trying to discuss our relationship.

- We being? - Me and Lucy.

And Laura.

And how does he fit into this?

- I'm helping! - You should be at school.

If you wanna know what I think, you probably don't,

I have a bit of a problem with chaps who go around

pinching other chaps' girlfriends.

And why is it, I merely ask this as a question,

why is it that while you girls are discussing your relationships

with this fink, Rory's left out of it?

There's nothing to do with me, of course, I'm just his father.

- And his father. - Are you my father?

- Hello? - Paul.

Surinder, hi.

As far as I can make out,

dreptomycil was only Phase 1 tested in the US on mental patients

and death row prisoners.

Anyway, the results are...

...interesting.

Bloody hell, Surinder.

Look, I... hold on a second.

Out, out! Out, you lot. Come on!

And take this stuff with you.

I'm gonna look into this, I'll call you later, all right?

I do not want you here while I make "Toffee Thong".

- Is that "Toffee Thong"? - No, it's "Proud Banana".

I think you suffer from crisis of confidence, father.

- Will you please leave? - Yes.

Hello, this...

Mr. Proek!

No, this is very good time.

Yes, I'm just waiting for my connection to... wherever it is I'm going.

Oh, not in the street!

Mr. Proek, I'm sorry, but there are some yobos outside.

Excuse me just a moment.

Not in the street!

No, no, no! Look, I have neighbours!

This is a neighbourhood! The neighbourhood watches!

Yes, Mr. Proek, this is dr. Christian den Haag.

Look, I want these women deflated right now!

So tell me, Mr. Proek, how is the abcess

adjacent to your anus?

It's still very painful, dr. den Haag.

Well, where are you now, Mr. Proek?

You sound as if you were walking, and a man in your condition

should remain very, very still.

I am... I am in...

Wimbledon!

Oh, and why do you go there, Mr. Proek?

It's for the tennis?

I'm actually on the way to confront my daughter's boyfriend.

I'm going to beat him and his father to a pulp!

The father has no moral code!

That's very serious. And where are you now exactly?

I am on the street where they live.

- Where? - Oh my God!

It's him. Paul, Paul Slippery.

With my daughters. And naked dolls!

The shame, dr. den Haag!

It's not the house with the mad-looking bloke outside, is it?

Yeah.

Why, you're going off the idea of staying?

Maybe.

You know, aggression is very bad for your anus.

And... right, look, here's Rory.

This is your chance to all really work out where you stand

in relation to Rory.

- Who's the guy with him? - Maybe he's for me!

I need someone to love.

How close are you to this man, Mr. Proek?

I am concerned about your blood-pressure.

Hi. What's up with him?

He's being a Dutchman while sorting our lives out.

Yeah, like he's the expert.

We must all settle down with one woman!

Try Debbie.

Thanks.

- Hey, Rory. - Hi.

- Hey, Rory! - Hi.

This is Kevin.

Hey, Kevin.

Mr. Proek, I have had a thought.

Did you say Paul Slippery?

And is he by any chance waving his leg around

in a stupid fashion?

How did you guess?

Well, I know the man!

Yes, he is notorious as a leg shaker.

He's known all over South London for his cowardice,

he's not worth fighting.

I expect Mr. Proek that he has seen you now

and he's very probably backing away.

It is almost like you can see him, too!

How did you know?

Because it's absolutely typical behaviour.

But I must tell you to treat this man with respect

and sensitivity because, you know,

he is the world expert on your condition.

Loathsome, yes, but fabulous doctor.

He's the king of anal access. Just from one glance

he will be able to provide you with an accurate diagnosis.

Well, I'm at Schiphol Airport and I just heard the bing-bong

for my flight to Johannesburg.

Goodbye and remember, make a friend of dr. Slippery,

and all your bottom problems will be over.

Proek alert.

- Right, you little twerp! - Hello there, old man!

Daniel Slippery.

The only women you can deal with are those you have to blow up

with a bycicle pump.

Hello, daddy.

Hello, Lucy. Have no fear, daddy's here.

How did you manage to get yourself involved with a rat like this?

It's complicated.

I tried so hard to keep you away from sex, Lucy,

and now look at you!

Look Norman, can I just say, I think...

I completely understand how you feel, I mean...

We all feel a little bit confused.

I mean I'm very confused, Kevin's incredibly confused.

He's homeless, for God's sakes!

I am.

You're all at it, aren't you? All the time.

I don't know what to say to any of you.

I'm distraught, I'm very distraught,

- and a bit sad... - Look, daddy...

...but mainly what I feel is angry!

Two fists, one for each daughter!

Mr. Proek, I'm so glad to see you!

Good Lord.

Mr. Proek, would you mind just taking a couple of steps?

Mr. Proek, I think you and I ought to have a conversation in private.

Of course.

You were Macbeth.

You were really good.

Mr. Proek, I hope you don't mind me asking you,

but are you afflicted at the present time with

an intimate problem?

How did you know?

It's my business to know these things, Mr. Proek.

And if I were to say to you that your problem is in an area

that is, let's say, the opposite of top,

what would you say?

I would say you are very remarkable man, doctor.

I've been doing some research on this.

It seems that dr. Pilfrey's miraculous dreptomycil

has been banned in the USA.

It contains elements of niaflorizenithal, a substance which, and I quote,

"can irritate the area around body openings,

in a way that may lead to information hypertrophy and spasms,

that can be..." Blah, blah, blah.

Can be what?

Fatal.

Oh my God.

No, no, it's a legal thing. They have to say that.

Do you mean I could die?

Technically, yes.

But you know, you could die from an excess of whipped cream.

As a matter of fact, that's what I plan to do tonight.

It's called "Proud Banana".

Come to think of it, why don't you stay for dinner?

No, thank you. My wife is expecting me.

Give her a call. Tell her to come over.

"Proud Banana", eh?

It's from the "Big Book of Erotic Food".

Nice try.

Oh, I try.

Surinder?

Do you have minute?

I think that Paul might have seen one of my patients

as I wasn't in the surgery.

A Mr. Proek.

Yes, you were prescribing him something called dreptomycil.

We've just found out some rather negative stuff about it.

I know. Me too.

Just heard about it.

Some Dutch doctor rang me up, God knows how he got my number,

claimed to be a world expert.

I was devastated, devastated.

So you didn't know it was the drug causing

Mr. Proek's side effects.

Surinder, if I'd known that I would've looked into it.

He was complaining about side effects, he did have symptoms.

Side effects are symptoms?

People come in here all the time and they go on and on

about side effect and symptoms.

Pain here, pain there.

Most of it, as you and I know Surinder,

has very little relation to reality.

There are more important things in life, aren't there?

Dr. den Haag rang me, too.

Apparently in Germany they tried it on hamsters.

They died within minutes.

As God is my witness, I never gave it to a single hamster.

Right, you know...

We don't have to resolve the situation in a clear-cut way.

We could be flexible about it.

How do you mean, flexible?

I think he means by going out with the both of you.

Right!

Cause flexible also means you can stick your head up your arse!

Chloe would never say anything like that to you.

I don't want an inflatable girlfriend...

So, what is going to happen to them all?

I have no idea, Mr. Proek.

Call me Norman.

All right.

What's this?

This is an intimate dinner for two.

- Hey, mom! - Hey!

- That's rude! - I think that's the point.

Strange... isn't it?

Really, really strange.

Did you like the oysters?

Yeah, very nice.

What about the rest of it?

Erotic. Very erotic.

Do you want some more "Proud Banana"?

It's probably wilted a bit.

I'm sorry if I lost you that fat contract.

God no, that doesn't matter,

I'm just sorry you still got to work with that dick Pilfrey.

Well, at least Norman and I are firm friends.

Now that I've sorted out his bottom, he's eating out of my hand.

If you take my meaning.

And he let both girls stay the night here.

And which one is sleeping with Daniel?

Neither of them, although I think he was hoping for a threesome.

Serves the little bastard right.

So...

How do you feel?

Erotic.

I feel erotic too.

And since we already established I can do things twice your speed,

I'm going to go behind that screen and re-emerge in a sexy nightie

in a time that takes for you to snap your fingers.

Did you just say sexy nightie?

I did and with pride.

There haven't been sexy nighties since 1974.

Yep.

Well, one survived and I own it. It's probably worth a fortune.

I love you.

Not as much as you will in a minute.