All language subtitles for Crazy.Ex-Girlfriend.S03E12.Trent.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.Rus.Eng_TeamHD_track6_[eng]

Previously on
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Rebecca Bunch, I have loved you

since the moment that I saw you

freshman year in the cafeteria.

This isn't happening.

You know what they say--

one person's blackmailing is
another person's love story.

Have you ever noticed how
when a male patient dies,

he's all like, beep...

But when a female patient dies,
she's like beep, beep, beep!

I'm so glad we're
in business together.

You're so good at charts
and getting deals on stuff.

That's so sexy.

God, Boggle.
What? Oh...

This should never happen
again after this.

Absolutely, this is
the last time.

Last time.
The last time.

You're seeing someone else,

she's your girlfriend,

and I'm your "friend."

So it's possible
I may have ordered

a hit
on Nathaniel's girlfriend Mona.

But it's okay, I undid it
this morning immediately.

At least I tried to.
Hope I did.

I think I did.
I probably did.

The last few months
have meant a lot to me.

And if that's what you want,

I'll forget
about everything else

and everyone else, for you.

HEATHER: So, do you have to,
like, study,

everywhere we go?

I have a final.
It's an ethics class.

It's hard.

Well, just copy your ethics
off someone else.

Right?
Also, Rebecca,

what's up with
the knitting?

Um, it's crocheting,
and she's trying to relax.

(whispering):
She and Nathaniel are...

(whispering): Hey, yeah,
so maybe there's a better mime

we can do around someone
who survived a suicide attempt.

It's fine, yes.
Nathaniel and I are done.

Okay?

Clearly, I wasn't ready

to be in a relationship.

Also, he was seeing
someone else.

That always
works out great.

Exactly, it did not work out.

Which is great, because now

I get some well-deserved
me time.

Yeah, I get some hot

Rebecca-on-Rebecca action.

Yeah, I don't need a man.
And you know what says that?

This soon-to-be afghan.

I like that attitude.

You go, girl.

Other supportive girl thing.
Yeah.

You know what, from now on,
my life is gonna get

an A-plus on the Bechdel test.

Well, actually,
since the Bechdel test

is a measure of how often
women talk about men,

the act of talking
about the Bechdel test

kind of technically means
you've failed the Bechdel test.

Okay, thank you,
feminism referee.

And you know what
the best thing is

about being alone,
potentially forever?

I know what
the future holds now.

The way ahead is clear,

and I know exactly
what I need to do next.

*

It's an afghan.

*

* It's come to this
like I knew it would *

* Since I'm now
single for good *

* I know just what I gotta do

* I gotta go get myself
a buttload of cats *

* A buttload of cats *
* A buttload of cats

* Way too many cats *

* When you're a
permanent bachelorette *

* It's mandatory that
you go out and get *

* A buttload of cats

*

* Oh, yeah

* I walk myself down
to the Lonely Lady Cat Store *

* The smell is
overwhelming inside *

* This is the future smell
of my house *

* It's the smell of my dreams
that have died *

And cats!

* I walk up to the cat shelf

* Where the cats are labeled
big and small *

* The saleslady asks,
"Is there one you like?" *

* And I state,
"I'll take them all" *

* I want a buttload of cats

* Meow, a buttload of cats *

* Gimme a buttload of cats

* Meow, a buttload
of cats, meow *

Yes.
* The saleslady's pumped

* She's closing early

* And headed home
to her sad walk-up apartment *

* Filled with her own
buttload of cats *

* Meow, meow, meow *

* That she got at a discount

* Meow, meow, meow *

* 'Cause she works
at the cat store *

* Meow, meow, meow *

* Meow, meow,
meow *

* Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow *

* Why have cats
over time become *

* Synonymous with loneliness? *

* We gotta work on
our collective image *

* We need a new publicist *

* The ironic part is
we're not that friendly *

* If you're lonely,
we might make it worse *

* Also, we sleep, like,
16 hours a day *

* Have you considered
getting a dog? *

* Nope, I want a buttload
of you guys *

* Okay, we warned you *

* A buttload of cats

* We're gonna ruin your couch *

* There's a lot
of evidence that *

* Organisms in cat poop
make you crazy *

* Yes, we saw that article
in The Atlantic *

* And then we peed
on The Atlantic *

*

* But I still want
a buttload of cats! *

(cats hiss)

Oh, my God, it's so nice
to connect with someone.

I feel so much
less alone now.

Do you want to get out of here
and talk more about our cats?

Yeah.
Okay.

Oh.
Oh.

Hey, where are you ladies going?

We're all supposed
to be lonely.

I like tabbies.

Oh...

REBECCA:
Mmm... oh, yeah.

I'm digging this.

Quiet night in by myself.

I can finally hear myself think.

I can hear
you think, too.
(screams)

Wha... wha... wha...

Rebecca.
Trent?!

Oh, my God!
What are you doing here?!

*

* I'm just a boy in love

* La-la-la, lovey-dove *

* I can't be held responsible
for my actions *

* Ooh, he's a male ingenue *

* I have no underlying issues
to address *

* I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed *

* They say love
makes you crazy *

* Therefore,
you can't call him crazy *

* 'Cause when you
call him crazy *

* You're just calling him
in love. *

Blam!

I said "Blam."

Yeah, I heard you.

So, what, you just never heard
back from Rebecca?

No.

I basically offered to give
up everything for her,

and the next thing you
know, I got this text.

And then
I sent that text.

And that was it.
Huh.

Rebecca and I see
each other at work,

and we just act like
the whole thing never happened.

Yeah, that sounds healthy.
Yeah, well...

What's wrong, baby?

You thirsty?
Want some water?

Hey, uh, quick question,

why is it that all
of my friends, including you,

are in love with Rebecca?

Does she have
a magic vagina?

No.

She has a great one, though.

And she does like when I refer
to it as the Sorting Hat.

(chuckles)

Harry Potter dirty talk.

Don't worry about it.

Yikes.

So, uh... so what's going on
with Mona, then?

You still seeing her?

I've just been avoiding her,

which is ridiculous.

I keep telling her
that work is crazy.

It's not crazy.

It's not fair to her, you know?
Hmm.

Mona's great.
She doesn't deserve this.

Yeah, I know. It's pretty crappy
what you're doing.

Ah, there it is.

There's that famous judginess
I've heard so much about.

I'm even getting it
from your dog down there. Hello.

(snorts, barks)

That's a good boy.

Look, I know
I should move on, okay?

I just can't seem to do it.

I don't know,
I guess a part of me is hoping

that Rebecca
will come around eventually.

(sighs, groans)

When will I ever get
the message?

REBECCA: When are you gonna get
the message, Trent?

I don't want to see you.

Okay, Paula told
me it was you

that gave Josh my medical
records right before my wedding.

You almost ruined my life,
maniac!

You mean saved your life, lover?

No. You blowing up my wedding,
uh, kind of put me on the path

to almost killing myself, so...
Oh, come on,

that's a reach.

I mean, take some responsibility
for your actions.

I saved you from being in
a marriage you didn't even want.

And now I'm here to claim
my prize for a job well done.

You.

What? Here to claim your prize?

It's been months.

I mean, where the hell
have you been?

Oh, you have no idea
what I've done

to fight my way back to you.

After I dropped the documents
off to Josh...

Here you go.

...all I had to do was wait
for your wedding to fail.

So I rented a drone

with a camera, and I watched
as your wedding fell apart.

Victory!

Then I tracked you

to the weirdly foreboding
Covina Inn and Suites.

I knew you were alone.

All I had to do was claim
my prize, my princess.

I'm coming to rescue you,
Rebecca.

And just as I was about
to save you from your tower...

(train whistle blows)

...I heard the sound
of a train.

You know how I feel
about clowns and trains.

(horn honks)

Ironic, then, that I was hit
by a bus and not a train.

That was the beginning
of the worst months of my life.

Every bone in my body
was broken,

except, unfortunately,
my ear bones.

Hey, Trent,
how you doing, buddy?

Oh, that's right.
You can't talk.

Ooh-hoo, my favorite kind
of audience.

Would you mind hearing some
of my new stand-up set?

So, this patient
comes in

with a yellowish discoloration
of the skin.

His name was
Jack Nicholson. (chuckles)

He says, uh,
"Here's Jaundice!"

I have, like, maybe 40 more.
Can I run them by you?

I spent the next six months
of my life in terrible pain.

She's always got to go collect
the urine sample

with all the other
female patients.
Both physically...

I used to call it the
dab ointment and lean.

...and comedically.

Gynecological
obstetrics!

Till one day
I could no longer take it

and I mustered all of my energy
and I broke free from my casts.

(shouting)

I knew Dr. Roth

would have the authorities
out there looking for me.

He was developing
a one-man show,

and he needed my help.

So I stole a hog

and decided to head out
to the desert to recuperate.

I holed up in a cave
in the Mojave.

And I hung
with a pack of coyotes,

and they taught me
how to howl again.

(coyotes howling)

(Trent howling)

That's when I knew
that I was ready

to find my way back to you.

So I Wazed directions back
towards the Brooks Brothers

at the Desert Hills
Premium Outlets

to find myself some clothes.

I'm an outlet guy.

And I came here.

Oh, my God!

Mm-hmm.

I mean, that's the most
insane story I've ever heard.

Honestly, I'd be impressed

if I weren't so disgusted
by you as a person.

Okay, so just...

You told me your story,
now get out of here, Trent.

All right, your timing
couldn't be worse.

I am not looking for
anything right now.

I'm browsing cat websites.

I'm-I'm making a crocheted
blanket for Darryl's baby.

Why am I tell you this?
Just get out.

You leave me no choice, then.

I'm gonna have to blackmail you
into being my girlfriend again.

Yeah, buddy,
you can't blackmail me, okay?

Everyone already knows all
of my top secret personal info,

thanks to you.

Oh, I have way better info
than that now.

Does Pretzel365
ring a bell?

Perhaps a handle that
you used on a little thing

we like to call
the Dark Web?

(horror music plays)

How do you know
about the Dark Web?

(chuckles) The Dark Web
is my playground, baby.

I have a Dark Web alert
on your I.P. address.

(horror music plays)

I saw that, one night,
you were trying

to take a hit out
on a girl called Mona.

(horror music plays)
I have all the info.

I printed out a hard copy

'cause hard copies just have
more gravitas. There you go.

No. No, no, no. No, no.

Oh, my God, but...

I was out of my mind
on hormones,

and I undid it all the next day.
I never meant to hurt anyone.

Oh, cool. So you don't mind if
I distribute that to everyone,

and you get arrested
and disbarred and sent to prison

for solicitation
of murder for hire

under federal statute 18,
U.S.C. 1958?

(laughs) Whee!
I'm your boyfriend again.

Mm, any update on that
Jessica Alba charity event?

I told you, we're not
getting that party.

Every event planning company
in town is pursuing it.

But you know her.

I L.A. know her.
I spun next to her,

I juiced behind her,
and one time,

I was at a gifting suite
in front of her.

That's the extent of it.

I texted her assistant,
but we're not gonna hear back.

Beth, we need
a really cool party

to get a lot of attention
and raise our profile.

I mean, nothing could possibly
lower our profile.

We work out of
a children's baseball bar.

I just want to work on classy
events with classy people.

JOSH:
What up, Home Base?

DJ Disc Joshy is in the house!

* Always

Oh, God, he's terrible.

How did he even do...?

* Everything that I do...

Hey, Valencia.

Hey, Valencia's girlfriend,
because she has girlfriends now,

and that's so cool.

Hey, Josh. Uh, you know,
you can call me Beth now.

We've met a couple times.

See? You're so cool.
(laughing): Thank you.

Turn that thing off.
We're working.

Oh. I know you're working,
(music stops)

and that's exactly why I'm here.

Here to pitch to you
my DJ services.

Oh, I've been deejaying
at my club, and I ran

into Monica F. from high school,
who said her little sister's

having a sweet 16
at the rec center,

and she's gonna ask you
to plan the party.

And I got your DJ right here.

Me. It's me.

(laughs)
I'm not doing that party.

She already asked me;
I said no.

V, we can't turn down events,
any events.

We work here.

We have to buy onion rings
every hour

just to keep the Wi-Fi going.

We're doing the party.

JOSH:
Awesome. Hire me.

I'll do it for free.

Great, you're hired.

Also, you're not very good
at negotiating.

VALENCIA:
Okay, fine.

But if we're doing it,

we're doing it my way,
chic and elegant.

Great. As long as
I pick the music.

Absolutely not.

But that's all a DJ does.

No. They also bring in equipment
and push buttons.

But can we at least do
the Royal?

I've been dying
for a kid's party

to expose it
to a new generation.
The Royal?

Oh, God, don't listen to him.

Shut up about it, Josh.

Oh, the Royal is the best.

Okay. Uh, it's a dance Valencia
and I did in high school

when we were voted
homecoming queen and king.

Royal, get it?

Oh, yeah. 'Cause of...
I said, shut up.

Josh, no Royal,

no cheesy music;
that is not my personal brand.

Whatever you say.

I-- as long as I got this gig,
I'm happy.

Fine. You've got the gig.

(grunts)

Thank you.
(grunts)

Also, never touch me again.

Oh, cool.
Is she still like that?

(chuckles)
That takes me back
to when we were dating.

But you know what I'm
talking about, right, Beth?

(laughs)

I don't have that
problem, Josh.

Yeah. O-Okay.

REBECCA:
Oh, so glad we're back
together.

And that was a great
19th game of Scrabble.

Um, great bingo
with "quixotry."

Yeah. Triple letter score,

plus 50 bonus points...
I win.

Yeah. Well played.

It's been so fun
staying up all night.

Um, hey, so could I
have my phone back now?

No. First, we have to play
Settlers of Catan

and then Ticket to Ride,
and then maybe we can talk

about you getting
your phone back.

Hey, instead of board games,

how about we do something
more... immediate.

Sex?
No.

Uh...
I would like to...

show off...

my... pookie.

Wait. Me?

I'm your pookie?

No one has ever called me
a pookie before.

This is crazy.

Well, today's your lucky day.

I would like to take you
to my office

and show you around.

Everyone will be there today,
except for, sadly,

Nathaniel,
he'll be in a meeting,

but everyone else will be there.

And you can see Paula.

I-I didn't think we'd get here
this fast.

I mean, I-I didn't expect to get
here until around month four

in our relationship,
but I knew you'd come around.

Yes. Well, that's what's
happening.

Ooh, I got you a pretty dress

for when we promenade.
I'll go get it.

(giggling):
Great. Okay.

(elevator bell dings)

(sighs)

Say what we worked out
in the car.

Uh, hi, everybody.

(clears throat)
This is Trent, my ex.

Uh, we're now
back together.

Yeah.

Is there anything else you
want to say to this room full

of people, baby girl?

Right. Um...

I know that I said
I wanted to live

a life of
quiet loneliness,

but then...
Trent came back.

Um, Trent...
is the love

of my life.

He is

the Pyramus
to my Thisbe.
(mouthing)

(sighs)

Wow. That was,
that was beautiful.

Trent.
Hey.

So good to see you.

Thank you.
Look at you two.

Finally together.
Will they? Won't they?

I guess they will.

(laughs)
So listen.

I have a gushing period,

and I need Rebecca's help for
a minute, so can you spare her?

What kind of help?

Ah, okay.

Well, you know, with me,

it's like a four-hand job.

I mean, I got to-- I'm putting
in menstrual cups,

a-a tampon, maybe a pillow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just-- it's really...

(muttering) NC-17 graphic,

so can I go with
her, um, my love?

Yes, of course.

You know I think
menstruation is beautiful.

It's my favorite time
of the month to make love.

Ugh.

* Period sex, period sex.

Nope. You don't
get to sing that.

Okay. I'll be right back.
Okay.

Mmm... mwah.

PAULA:
Oh.

Bye.
NATHANIEL:
Hold on one second.

Yes. I'm-I'm sorry I missed
the meeting today.

(clears throat) I've been, um,
busy at the office.

I'll have my assistant
reschedule. Mm-hmm.

(clicking)

Okay, Paula, it's bad.
It's really bad.

And I need your help now.

Rebecca, what
is going on?

What's going on is
I need your help.

Okay? And-and not
Good Paula help.

I need Bad Paula help.

Right?

Not "I'm a lawyer and I want to
play by the rules now" Paula.

I need surveillance-
camera-in-the-brooch,

tracking-device-in-the-shoulder
Paula, now.

What? Why?

Trent is blackmailing me.

How?

What does he have on you?

I don't think you want to know.

Why?

He just is, okay?

So I need your help. It's
nothing we haven't done before.

Okay, but... (sighs)

Honey, all that scheming--

we have talked about this--
it is in the past.

I have changed.
You have changed.

Yes. Yes, I have,

but sometimes the past comes
back to bite you in the butt.

Oh, hey, look,
if he's threatening you

with something serious, then
let's just go to the police.

No, we can't go to the police;
that's how blackmail works.

That's why blackmail works.
I'm sorry,

but I want to be a lawyer,
and breaking the law

is not a good idea
for me right now.

Okay. Okay.
(sighs)

Okay, okay.

(sighs)

Paula, I...

I didn't want to say this.

I really didn't, but...

Trent doesn't just have
dirt on me,

he has dirt on you, too.

Yeah, and it's bad stuff.

It's-it's all the stuff.

It's the surveillance,
it's the bugging,

it's the brick
through the window,

the shoulder trackers,
obviously.

Oh, my God.
And, Paula,

I just...

you're in your second year
of law school,

and you're basically already
the best lawyer I know,

and Trent wants to take that
all away from you.

Oh, my God.
He could get us
both in trouble.

He could get us
both arrested.

So, really, I'm here
because I'm looking out for you.

I'm looking out for you
and your dreams and your family.

So all we have to do,
we just have to do,

just some teeny, teeny, teeny,
tiny things, huh?

Let's take back his power.

Let's blackmail
the blackmailer.

I really don't want to do this.

Neither do I.

But we have no choice.

Both of us, right?

I guess you're right?

So come on. Hmm?

One last time.

I'll help you.
It's like...

*

REBECCA: * Back in action,
back on the street *

* Back in the saddle
or some other kind of seat *

* We're back in action,
getting things done *

* Getting geared up

* For some action-based fun

* We're like buddy cops

* But we're not cops

* We're buddies, for whom

* The action never stops

* We're both super into this

* That much is clear

* We're on the same page

* We got nothin' to fear

* So we're back in action,
back in the game *

* Back on the road,
with a little back pain *

* 'Cause we've gotten older

* Than we used to be

* Back when we were

* Super actiony...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do we really need
a guitar solo right now?

Can we please just keep
working on the case?

Sorry. You're right.

Back to it!

* And now we're back in action

* Back at it again

* Just me and her,
two actiony friends *

* Adrenaline's pumping
in the heat of the night *

* We're back in action...

Well, all right...?

* Well, all right!

(typing)
(sighs)

Okay, so is everything okay
at the house with Trent?

I mean, he's not
making you do any...

Oh, no, no. No, no, no.

Okay.
He's just sleeping at the foot
of the bed like he always does.

Ah.
I got to say,

for a blackmailer,
he's decent on consent.

Hmm.

I did let him give me
a-a pedicure, though.

He used this amazing
vanilla foot scrub.

Anyway, we need to know
two things.

One, the name
of the foot scrub, and two,

we don't have anything
to blackmail him with yet.

I know, and I couldn't
sleep all night,

because I just kept thinking
about all the different things

that he could get us
in trouble for.

(sighs)

I mean, why did I do
all those things?

No, no, no. Hey.
Don't beat yourself up, okay?

We're-we're gonna get him.

Okay. You're right.
We're gonna get him.

We're gonna get him. Okay.

Okay, Trent.

Where do you go all day?

Oh. It looks like he just
turned left off of East Cameron,

and he's heading towards...

South Cameron?
Ooh.

I mean, that's like the
Knockturn Alley of West Covina.

It's the place in Harry Potter
where bad things happen.

You don't care. It's fine.

Okay, it looks like he's...

he's actually at the
South Cameron storage facility.

That place is shady.

Yeah, no, I've seen
a bunch of cases

where coyotes use it
as-as drop-off points.

(gasps)

Oh, if he's mixed up with them.

Wait, he is mixed up
with coyotes.

What?
Well, he told me
all about it.

They taught him how to survive,
how to howl, how to eat lizards.

Do you think they followed him
to West Covina from the desert?

Oh, my God, that's so cute.

That's a Pixar movie.

Rebecca, do you think
smugglers eat lizards?

What are you
talking about, smugglers?

Smugglers are called "coyotes."

Oh, okay. That makes
a lot more sense.

Yeah.
So those montage visuals

were from my point of view.

Yeah-- oh, yeah. He's talking
about smugglers, then.

Wait, he's talking about the...
Oh, he's talking about the...

Totally can use it
to blackmail him.
Wait, wait.

If he's doing illegal stuff
like-like weapons and...

drugs.
Drugs.

Yeah, we can use that
to neutralize him.

Oh, my God, and then
it'll all be behind us,

and we can get back to
our lives and our families

and-and my finals.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. See?

I told you this was just
a little speed bump,

and then we can go back
to being upstanding citizens.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay, make sure those
are alternating color.

(sighing)

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Good...
Um, e-excuse me,

Ms. Valencia?

So, what do you think, Janie?

Um, I wanted a theme.

Something like Riverdale?

Please, Janie,
none of your friends

are hot enough
to be on Riverdale.

And there is a theme.

It's the Jazz Age. 1920s.

Like Great Gatsby.

Ha-cha.

Okay.

So are there gonna be
glow sticks, then?

Well, now you're just trying
to provoke me.

Now go put on
your sequined headband

and floor-length pearl necklace.

Okay, fine.

And don't forget your ivory
cigarette holder and hip flask.

Today is your day, Janie.

Janie's loving this.

Yeah, she seems super stoked.

She's fine.

We're giving her a tasteful,
sophisticated, upscale event

with photos that will help
promote our business.

Oh, God knows that's what
every teenager wants.

Hey, check it out.

DJ Disc Joshy's in the house.

You look great.

I'm so hot,
and it's so tight,

I can't even raise
the roof-- look.

See? Are you watching me do it?

I mean, how am I supposed to do
the Royal

when I can't even raise my arms?

I told you, no Royal.

Just pretend not to be
a lame townie for ten seconds.

It's so embarrassing.

Now go fire up some Lindy hop.

Kids will be here any second.

Thanking you.

Come on.

He's a nice guy.

Hey.

Thanks for coming, uh...

I have something
I want to ask you.

You're only putting
one butt cheek on the chair.

That's fair.
I deserve that.

Um, look, I know
I've been AWOL recently,

but work's been really busy...

I've been really busy, too.

I launched a new campaign
for one of our overseas funds,

but weirdly, my phone worked
while all that was happening.

I'm sorry.

It's really rude.
Yeah.

We've been together for a while,
and you just ghosted on me

for a few days.

I was stupid.

Okay? But it won't happen again.

I want to make sure
we never go a few days

without speaking to each other.

So...

...why don't we
move in together?

Really?

You're asking me
to move in with you

after not calling me
for three days? That's bold.

Well, I figured that, you know,
you and I have been together

for a few months now, and...

Okay, cool.

So, if we move in together,

that means you'll stop sleeping
with Rebecca Bunch?

(exhales)

REBECCA:
What's he doing?

PAULA: I don't know, I mean,
I can't see what he's doing.

Nope-- is he leaving?

No, wait.

(lock clicks)

Okay.
Okay.
(engine starts)

And... scamper.
Scamper.

Aah!
Oh, you all right?

Shh, shh.

Who are we hiding from?
He's gone.

Shh!
Okay.

An anodized steel double bolt
tri-magnetite lock?

(tongue clicks)

I thought you were gonna
give me a challenge, Trent.

Do you need the bolt
cutters from the car?

Nah.

(gasps)
Your earring.

Mm-hmm.

Come to... Mama.

Let's get some dirt
on that turtlenecked psycho.

(grunts)

Oh...
Oh...

How did you know
I was sleeping with Rebecca?

I wasn't sure,
but thank you, now I am.

Oh-oh, God, I'm so sorry, Mona.

I-I... but it's over
between her and I, I swear.

Hey, it's fine, I mean,
for all you know,

I've been sleeping with other
people the whole time, too.

Were you?

No.

Got some good offers,
but I liked the guy I was seeing

and I was hoping
he'd come around.

Which is pathetic, I know.

My therapist, Dr. Akopian--
he's great, by the way--

he keeps asking me, "Why are you
waiting around for this guy?

Especially if you don't
trust him?"

I'm so sorry.

I'm a jerk. Okay?

I don't know why I did that to
you, but it won't happen again.

I should have spoken up sooner.

But people like us,
we were not raised to confront.

Or be honest.

You know, we're WASPs.

Our parents treat
their marriages

like business
arrangements.

I don't want that.

I want something real.

Wow.

I mean, that's what I want, too.

I-I think I didn't realize
that I could have that with you.

Then you're an idiot.

Yeah.

(sighs)
So...

where does that leave us?

Let's just start with dinner.

I love
the bacon-wrapped dates here.

Okay.

Oh, God.

What the hell?

(both moaning)

I mean, this is
so much underwear.

So much underwear.

Okay, so he's been--
he's been stalking me

since the moment we met.

Cool. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.

Look at...

Oh, look at all the sex books.
Lots of sex books.

Okay.

All right.

Socks right here.

Wait a second.

These are all my socks.

(gasps)
Every-every pair
of socks I have

has one sock missing.

I have been wearing
mismatched socks

ever since I got to West Covina.

Look it. Look it.
How do I not...?

I always wear mismatched socks.

I look the host
of a Nickelodeon show!

Honey, that's not right.

Oh! Oh, geez.

(grunts)

Okay, this is just all ramen.

Shrimp-flavored ramen.

I mean, even his choice
of ramen flavor is upsetting.

(stammers)

Hey.
(snaps fingers)

Ooh. Damn, damn, damn.

Look at this, look at this.
Ooh.

This definitely has a whole

"hide my weapons and drugs"
type vibe, right?

Yes.

Although, mm,

this is not the first time
on a caper you, or I,

have thought that someone
was dealing drugs.

But this time is different.

Oh, okay.
Okay, does it have a lock?

Or a combination?

Um, actually, no.

There's... there-there's
really no lock.

Cool. I'm going in.

Oh. You know what?

I don't think...

...don't think
we should open it.

Yeah, it's never drugs.

Man, I am so glad
you're here

visiting Rebecca again.

Oh, my God, these
portobello puffs are so good.

Oh, the secret is clarified
butter and cayenne.

Oops. Secret's out.

I mean, I don't know what
other pregnancies are like,

but when I'm pregnant
I crave your food.

Cool.

Oh, no.

Oh, baby girl, no.

I found my missing socks.

HEATHER:
What happened?

Did you sleep
with the Hulk impersonator

on Hollywood Boulevard?

There's a hot one.

No, she didn't.

It's my love test.
You failed it.

You've broken my heart.

Okay, feels like you guys have
some things to work out,

so I'm just gonna take these
tasty treats to go in my room.

Trent, you booby-trapped
that trunk just for me?

Yes, I did.

I don't understand
why you don't trust me.

Trust you?

Trent, you're
blackmailing me.

Our relationship is

90% based on fear
and ten percent on the hope

that you'll make that fusilli
with duck ragout again.

Why don't you love me?

What's standing
in the way of that?

You.

God, you should know by now
that I'm not interested.

How would I know that?

You've encouraged my attentions
every step of the way.

You brought me here to pretend

to be your boyfriend.

You let me cook for
you and clean for you.

You took my virginity.

You've given me all these little
pieces of love along the way,

these love kernels.

Hmm.

Well, you know what?

Love kernels aren't reality.

So get over it.

You know, I thought
we were written in the stars,

Rebecca Bunch.

But I guess I was wrong.

Trent, as someone
who used to think things

were written in the stars,
take it from me,

those feelings are not real.

So blackmail me
all you want.

I'm never gonna love you.

Okay.

Wow.

That was so mean.

I'll remember those words
under a veil of my own tears.

I'm gonna go.

Here. Here.

This is everything
I have on you.

It's all printed e-mails so it's
mainly just a symbolic gesture,

but that's everything.

(exhales)

Good-bye, baby girl.

Get out, Trent.

HEATHER:
Hey.

Um, are the bacon-wrapped
dates ready?

Turn 'em over in five.

They'll be ready in 20.

Pookie out.

So, did you want to turn
the dates over or...

I will turn them over.

Okay, I'll just
wait in my room.

(sighs)

Wait.

(exhaling sharply)

(phone vibrating)

Hey, honey, what's up?

Paula, it's done.

We did it.

Trent's gone.

He is? Really?

J-Just like that?

Yeah. The whole thing
was some sort of

dumb love test or something.

It's fine and he destroyed
all the evidence.

So it's over.

(stammers)
He's just gonna leave us alone.

We're safe?

Oh, my God, I was so scared.

Listen, God, thank you
for everything.

Oh, Paula, you're my best friend
and...

Okay, all right. I got to go.

Bye, honey.

Okay. Oh.

(jazz music playing)

JOSH:
Hey, kids.

It's time for another
Charleston again.

And, uh, there are more
bacon-wrapped dates.

Eat 'em while you can before
it's the Great Depression.

(jazz music playing)

Jessica Alba would love
this party, don't you think?

Oh, yeah, I... (clears throat)
I forgot to tell you.

We didn't get it.

They went with the winner
of Teen Chopped.

Ugh, damn it. I can't believe
we didn't get that party.

Valencia.
What?

We already have a party.

It's right here

and it sucks.

Of course it sucks because
it's in this stupid town

with these stupid people.
Stop it.

That's an awful way
to talk.

You're from here.

So what? You're from
a stupid, small town.

So was I before
I moved to L.A.

So are a lot of people.

Don't be ashamed
of where you come from

or who you are.

He's not.

(scoffs) And that's what
makes him ridiculous.

That's actually what
makes him cool.

It might be the only thing
that makes him cool,

but, for the love of God,

embrace this party
and make it fun.

Janie deserves that.

Hold my phone.
Of course.

(whispering)

All right, kids, let's
get this party started!

* I know you know it

* I can't control it

* Call me the greatest
here in this moment *

* I know you know it,
I can't control it *

* Call me the greatest...

Do you remember it?

How dare you.
You know I do.

* Watch me put in work,
do it so royally *

* I'm royalty, I'm royalty...

Whoa.
They're weirdly incredible.

* So royally

* Call me the greatest

* Sing with the chorus

* All hail the queen,
bow down to me... *

What is that dance called?

BETH:
It's called the Royal.

Let's get
everybody dancing.

Hey, guys, get out there.

Go dance.
Come on. Have fun.

* All hail the queen,
bow down to me *

* Step up on the scene
and they bow down to me *

And bow down,
put on your crown.

(grunts rhythmically)

Wave, wave, wave, wave.

Put on your crown.
Jump, jump, jump.

Wave, wave.

* All hail the queen,
bow down to me *

* Step up on the scene
and they bow down to me *

* All hail the queen,
I'm royalty *

* Bow down to me,
bow down to me. *

(sighing)

Hey.

I'm sorry I was
such a jerk to you.

You're a really great DJ.

Did a good job tonight.

Thank you.

And I'm also sorry
that I called you a lame townie.

I mean, I'm a townie, too,

but, I mean, I'm not lame.

But I am
from this place,

I guess,
and I'm okay with my past.

Sort of.

You know, I have this movie
poster in my room that says,

"You Can't Run Away from Your
Past because It's Your Future."

It's from Space Karate II.

That's us.

I feel a strange emotion
towards you.

Respect?
Never.

Hey, Mama.

Hey.
I just wanted to, um...

to thank you
for all your help.

Uh, I'm so glad
everything worked out.

Oh. I mean,
I-I can't believe

that I left myself open
to blackmail like that,

and I did all those
dumb things and...

Just stop, okay?
You learned your lesson.

We both learned our lesson.

It's okay. I, uh, I just...

I wanted to say
that I'm so sorry.

Oh, why are you sorry?

I mean, it was Trent's fault.

Right, it was Trent's fault.

(sniffles)
It was. I'm just...

(sighs)

I'm just glad it's over.

Yeah, me, too. (laughs)

Mmm.

(both laugh)

Oh.

(pats Rebecca's back)

(Rebecca sighs)

Okay, I got to...
get to it.
Okay.

Okay.

What's... going on?

Hi. Um, I decided
it would be best

if you and I didn't work
in the same office,

and since
you're the senior partner,

I moved in here with Darryl.

He keeps pushing me
to get a bunk desk.

Oh.

So you'll be here from now on?

Yeah, I think it's best.

You've moved on, obviously.

I have?

I saw your new boyfriend--
the, um, big guy

with the... with the turtleneck?

No. Oh, my God.

Wait. You saw him?

You saw that?
Yeah.

And I'm glad I did.
I think I needed to see it.

Made me fully appreciate

that Mona is a lot better for me
than I realized.

(sighs)
Oh. Wow.

Cool.

I can't believe
I lied to her for so long.

But that's on me.

Well, hey, that's...
that's on me, too.
No.

You weren't cheating.
I was cheating.

Right, but what I did
wasn't great, either.

I mean, sometimes
I do things that aren't great.

No, you're good.

I know you really well, Rebecca,
and you're a good person.

(clears throat)

Okay.

PAULA:
Especially, like,
all this going on, it's just...

NATHANIEL: Yeah.
PAULA:
That is actually the case.

(speaking indistinctly)

*

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