All language subtitles for Crazy.Ex-Girlfriend.S03E09.Nathaniel.Gets.the.Message.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.Rus.Eng_TeamHD_track6_[eng]

* Crazy is when I go
off the rails *

* This is what
you've done to me *

* Crazy is how your loving
makes me feel *

* This is what
I always want to be *

* I like it when a girl
gets crazy in bed *

* Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head *

* You do
* You don't *

* Want to be crazy

* And you don't
* You do *

* Want to be crazy

* To clarify, yes, no
on the crazy *

* We hope this helps.

What?

Previously on
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Maybe having a baby

started out as a whim,

but it's what I want
for my life now.

And you don't want a baby.

Oh, wait, so this is...?

Yeah, I guess it is.

JOSH:
Why are you making me move?

I don't want to move.

I'm just going
through a tough time.

Too much change.

Josh is the worst.

You know, I can't even book
another wedding because of him.

His jilting you has
completely ruined my business.

Can I help you, ma'am?

Me and Ally? I wish.

I don't have a shot.
I mean, look at her.

There's no baby.

It is really expensive

to buy those huevos.

I can only do it,
like, once a year.

REBECCA:
The way I am with Nathaniel

is nothing like the way
I was with Josh.

But doesn't it feel like you're
repeating some old patterns?

Rebecca, what's wrong?

I have to do something
I've never done before.

What?
(exhales)

Come on in.

You look upset.

So, you said you wanted
to do something

you'd never done before.

What is it, like
a sex thing?

I mean, I don't know what else
is still on the table for us.

(laughs) Oh, God,
please don't make me laugh.

Oh, it's only gonna make it
more difficult.

What do you mean?

Okay. Okay,
so here's the thing.

I don't know how
to like someone

without being
obsessed with them.

Okay? So...

it happened with Josh

and now it's starting
to happen with you,

and I can't go down
that road again.

It's a nightmare.

Okay, well, I'm not Josh.

(chuckles) Okay?

This isn't bad obsessed.

This is good obsessed.

I-I-I like it.

I-I find it flattering.

No, no, but, Nathaniel,

think about all the stuff I did
just in the last few days.

I mean, really,

I-I hounded your father.

I insisted you had
a secret sibling.

I stole your shirt so I could
wear it all day and smell it.

Look, we talked
about all that.

It's in the past.

And I didn't know
about the shirt thing,

but, again, kind of cute.

Okay, cute, yes,
it starts out as cute,

but then it escalates.

It escalates
to-to bad things,

like-like
burning down houses

and abducting
some people's moms

and sleeping
with other people's dads.

Whoa, what?

Not your dad.

Although, I mean,
he does have kind of

like a silver fox thing
going on.

He's very neggy,
which I like.

Point is,
the point is...

I-I just can't be with you
right now-- or anyone.

Okay, look, I-I don't
want to get in the way

of your therapy thing,
but isn't the whole point

of all this to be happy?

We're happy.
That's what matters.

I'm happy,
but it's not real.

It's... it's a high.

It's infatuation.
Wait.

Are... are you breaking
up with me right now?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just saying that we...

...I'm just saying that we
can't be together or go out

or talk on the phone
or have sex

or kiss or snuggle
or cuddle.

Um...

so, I'm sorry.

(crying): I have to,
I have to, I have to go.

No, no, no, wait, Rebecca.

You can't just...

The hell just happened?

REBECCA:
So, I can't do anything.

I can't be in a
romantic relationship

because I'm literally
incapable of it.

And I'm not ready
to go back to work,

so I got nothing to do all day.

You know what I did yesterday?

I-I threw out all my old spices
and bought new ones.

I don't even cook.

I just smelled them all

and I tried to smoke
the marjoram.

Rebecca, you made a hard choice
ending your relationship.

Now you have some time
on your hands.

It's a good
opportunity to maybe

fill in some of these gaps
in your life.

Find meaning in new ways.

You know,
some of my patients

find meaning by giving back
to the community,

helping others.

Hmm. Like volunteer stuff?

Yeah, it can be
very therapeutic

and rewarding.

I have this one patient
who volunteered at a library,

then started
a book exchange program,

then ended up
writing a book about that.

Then she donated
the proceeds of the book...

Okay, we get it. She's
your favorite patient.

You want to kiss
her. La, la, la.

Yeah, you got me.

She's my favorite patient and
I want to kiss her, la, la, la.

Rebecca.

Think of all the time and energy
you spend in your life

on romantic relationships.

I have clocked a lot of hours.

Okay. You can take that passion,
that intensity,

and focus and redirect it into
more productive endeavors.

Huh.

God, I've never thought
of that before.

Maybe you're right.

* 10,000 hours in anything

* Makes you an expert

* And I've spent way more time
than that frettin' over guys *

* I've got a BFA, an MFA

* And a PhD in obsession

* And now I find myself

* Wondering why

* I could have used that time
to cure leukemia *

* I could have used that time
to clean the seas *

* I could have taught some teens
awareness of bulimia *

* I could have saved the pandas,
whales and bees *

* Without love,
you can save the world *

* Put those hours
to good use instead *

* Without love,
you can save the world *

* Sing out, branch out

* Get out of your own head...

Hey, guys.

Peace.
Peace and love.

But not love.
(laughter)

* Love's a real time suck

* It really gets
your mind stuck *

* On things that, later on,
you'll be like *

* Why?

* Like when's he gonna text?

* Or when will I see him next?

* Then suddenly the lakes
have all gone dry *

* And it's all your fault

* Without love

* You can save the world

* Save the world

* Clear space in your brain
for better things *

* Better things

* Without love

* You can save the world

* Save the world

* Not being tied to a bed

* Can really give you wings

* Conserve your mental energy

* To research
conserving energy *

* Don't raise hell

* Raise money
for local schools *

HEATHER:
* Now that you've got time

* Take the leash off your hog

* And use that leash
to walk rescue dogs *

* Love is blind

* But without love

* You can actually help
the blind *

* It's an asexual utopia

* Without love

* You can save the world

* Save the world

* Forget who you did

* Think about what you can do

* What you can do

* Without love,
you can save the world *

* Save the world

* Change doesn't start
with him *

* Change starts

* With you

* It starts with you

* Not who you screw

* Not who
you screw *

* It starts with you

* Without love.

So, Darryl and I agreed
that we should be friends,

but then I've texted
him a couple times

and he hasn't texted
me back all day.

I just... I... I
feel like friends

should text friends back.

Sure, but you guys
are not friends.

He just dumped you, dude.

What are you talking about?

I didn't get dumped.

It was mutual.

(laughs) Yeah, right.
"Mutual."

You take back
those air quotes.

"Okay."

Joshua.
Dude.

Everyone knows there's no such
thing as a mutual breakup.

Yes, there is.

Okay, so, maybe he said
the words technically

before I said the words,
but it's like when

you're on the phone and
you're having a conversation,

and you want that
conversation to end,

someone has to say
the word "good-bye"

before the other
person says good-bye,

but you're doing
it together.

Who talks on the phone?

What, are you
like a hundred?

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Oh, I-I got it.

Dude, what's that?

Uh... oh.
Since when do
you have money?

I got a job.

Doing what?

I'm... a... fireman.

A volunteer fireman.

Wait, so you get
paid to volunteer?

Yeah, I save lives for money
and I got to go, so good...

Good-bye.

See? We just did it.

Mutual.

(sighs)

(sighs)

There he is.

Get in here.

Oh, that's what I need.
A big old Paula hug

because...
Because your fertilization
didn't take again?

Another wasted egg.
I'm sorry.

Now, how did you know that?

I just found out myself.

Mrs. Hernandez.
What?

She listens in on all
the Whitefeather calls

like an old-timey operator.

I call her Mrs. Hearnandez.

But she's right.

I mean, my sperm is
just way too active.

I have a medical condition
called super sperm.

Who named that condition?
A ten-year-old doctor?

My sperm is just too strong.

I mean, it gets
in the Petri dish

and it just whizzes around
going, "Aah!"

Banging into the glass.

It's like a bird
flying into a window

over and over.

Okay, no, you have
weird goop. I get it.

And I can't afford
another egg.

They're so expensive.

I've already sold my whole
Southwestern collection.

I considered moving onto
my Southeastern collection,

but that's really just
a Miami Vice T-shirt

and a stuffed
moccasin snake.

Well, you have other
stuff to sell.

What about your
above-ground pool?

Oh, it's riddled
with spiders.

Calf-massager ottoman?
Broke months ago.

Electric soft-bonnet
hair dryer?

I can't get rid of that.

I mean, how do you expect me
to have this shine,

this volume,
this lustrous texture?

Darryl?
Hmm?

I know you.

And if you want this,
you will find a way.

Hey, guys, guess what.

Maya had a three-way
and Tim's mother has diabetes.

Are you sick of limp, dull hair?

Because if you are,

all you need is the trusty...

soft-bonnet hair dryer.

And it can be yours
for just $500.

No, thanks.

Oh, please?
I am so desperate for cash.

Sorry. I need
to get back to work.

JIM:
Hey.

Hey. Psst, hey.
Turn around.

Psst. Come here. Over here.
Hey. Hey.

Come talk to us.
Psst. Hey. Hey. Psst.

Hey. Psst.
Hey.

Heard you're looking
for a little cheese?

Oh, I never want
just a little cheese.

I mean, I get a muenster open,

and I'll just finish
the whole thing.

What?
What?

The red hat dance
is at midnight.

Huh?

Meet us here at 2:00 a.m.

But you said midnight.

That's an expression.

And bring two bills.

What?

20 Hamiltons?

MRS. HERNANDEZ:
Oh, God.

We're playing poker
tomorrow night at 2:00 a.m.

Bring $200.

Yeah.

You can try to win
some of the money Tim needs

for his big old dying mom.

We play for keeps.

For keeps...

I'm in.

So I was thinking that I could
volunteer at a soup kitchen,

but you know
how I feel about soup.

Then, I was thinking
adult literacy,

but if they can't read
by the time they're adults,

I mean, there's something else
going on there,

and I cannot take that on.

Then, I thought
I could sort clothes

at a donation center.

Eh... if I see one crusty stain,
I'm not eating for weeks.

Wow, your altruism
is really incredible.

Thank you.

Hola, chicas.

Thanks for letting me
use your Internet.

Mm-hmm.
Can you believe
that coffee shop?

I need to buy something?
(scoffs)

A) I don't have any money.

B) I don't have any money.

C) How many times
do I need to say it?

No money.

I cannot buy
your eight-dollar scones.

Wait, I thought you booked
that engagement party.

I did, but it's pretty low-budg,

and I don't get
all my money until it's over.

So, I have to do everything
by myself.

I have no help.

This party-planning business,
it's not exactly thriving.

And you refuse to do anything
for free.

Yeah, I suck.

Wait, you're looking for help?

You need free help?

So you're looking
for a volunteer.

Um, I'll do it.

Yes. Hooray.

Get excited.

This is kismet, this is bashert.

That's Jew for "kismet."

I'm in!

I'll do it!
I'll help!

What are we doing again?

Uh...
(blows raspberry)

Who ordered these for me?

I did not order them.

(laughs)

I mean...
(coughs)

Well, now...
(coughs)

that I've coughed on 'em,
I should probably just...

eat 'em.

(sighs)

I'm not eating fries.

Oh, God. Me neither.

Yuck. I said celery.

The service here is wack!

How have you been?

Haven't seen you
around the office

since you, uh, got dumped.

Dumped? Who said that?
Was it Mrs. Hernandez?

She's a filthy liar.

No.

No, it was mutual.

That is a thing.

You know? A mutual breakup.

Oh, you don't have to explain
that to me. (chuckles)

I'm going through the same thing
right now with Rebecca.

A mutual... parting.

See? You know
what I'm talking about.

And also,
as if someone like Rebecca

would be the one to break up
with someone like you.

I mean, you're you
and she's... her.

The same, if-if not
more so about you.

I mean...
(scoffs)

As if Darryl...

Darryl.
Yeah.

Darryl?

Darryl.
Okay, I did date him.

I-I'm just saying that he's in
no position to turn you down.

At all.

Um, excuse me,
did one of you guys

call one of my servers "wack"?

Hmm?

Yes...

So, A) What decade are we in?

And B) You did not order celery,

you literally
ordered fries.

And so did you.

I...
Do you need me to rewind
the security camera footage?

No.
No, thank you.

Okay.
WHITE JOSH:
Sorry.

(whistles)
Okay.

(laughing):
So we ordered fries. You know?

Yeah.
So, you know,

despite the, uh, mutualness
of our breakups,

we were still feeling
a little bit down.

You know? We're only human.

Are we, though?

I mean, people like you and me,
we don't eat disgusting food

to make ourselves feel better.

It doesn't even work, anyway.

You know, you're right.
It doesn't work.

You feel worse.

You feel like
a worthless, pathetic,

flabby little fat kid who's
running around the playground,

and all the kids
are screaming at him

and pointing at him
and chasing him

and calling him
the Tubby Tubster all the time.

That didn't happen to me.

I heard a story about that.

Ah. You know what?
I have an idea.

I have
this new in-home

gym system called the ShredFlex.

It's the newest, latest model...
Wait, wait, wait.

The ShredFlex 5000?
Mm-hmm.

Okay. I have been trying
to get this in my gym

and it has been
on back-order forever.

Well, I have it.

In matte black.

Like the Batmobile?

Yes. Let's do this, man.

Let's do a seven-day cleanse

and shred and flex our way into
the best shape of our lives.

Yeah.
That'll make us feel great.

It'll make us feel amazing.

Mm-hmm.
I love where
your head's at, man.

Yeah. Yeah.
Let's O.D. on endorphins, bro!

Yeah!
Okay.

(grunts)
(laughs)

Hey! Idiots!

Yep. So sorry.
Yeah, you're right.

Let's clean that up.
Good call.

Oh.
We shouldn't
have done that.

(door opens)

Hey, hey!

You'll never believe this.

I balanced your books.

And you were right.

You only have about $800--

or 100 scones--
left in the bank.

And after I balanced
your books,

I balanced my own checkbook.

And I only have about 30 scones
left in the bank.

It turns out, I spent tens
of thousands of dollars on Josh.

Anyway, water under the bridge.

What can I do for you next?

Well, I have a meeting
with the bride and groom now.

Great. I will come
as your assistant.
It'll be perfect.

I will take notes,
I will interrupt you

with fake appointments
to make you look cool,

I will interrupt

with fake phone calls-- oh.

"Uh, Ms. Perez, I have
Susan Faludi on line one."

Yeah. Who?

Susan Faludi.
She wrote Backlash.

It was seminal.

Anyway-- please?

I want to be helpful
and productive.

Look how snappy I look.

Hmm.

An assistant would
make me look fancy.

Okay, sure.

Let's do it.

NATHANIEL:
Do it! Do it!

Come on, five more.
You got this.

(straining): Oh, my arms
are starting to burn.
Yeah.

That's just the fat
crying out in pain.

Come on, you fat little boy.

You pudgy little blubber ball.

Mr. Tubby Tubster!

That is so mean!

Yeah. Three,

two,

...one! Come on!

Ah...

Impressive.
Oh, my God.

Oh, thanks, man.

Get in there.

Here we go.

What do the spikes
do, exactly?

Well, they scare the fat
out of your body.

Ah.
(clears throat)

(grunts)
There we go.

Two. Come on, man. Come on.

Three.

Attaboy. Looking good.

Big push.

(grunts)

Go! Go! Go!

You call that effort,
daddy's boy?

Maybe if you burn off
some of that disgusting,

white jiggly fat, your father
will finally love you!

(shouts)

There we go. There we go.

(panting)

You're good.

Thanks.

VALENCIA:
Hello.

Rebecca?
What are you doing here?

Hey.
You-you guys know each other?

Yeah. Oh, Marty and I
go way back.

He works at the market,
dusting potatoes.

Not anymore.

I'm a produce manager now.

I like to say I'm a producer.

(laughter)

Ooh. Rebecca.

This is Ally.

Oh, my God--
you're marrying Ally?

I heard you were
in love with her,

but she was into
that rude grocery clerk.

The one who came to my party.

I'm not gonna say it,
but the one with, you know.

Brody. Yeah. We broke up.

And Marty was there.

So here we are.

Isn't that a great story?

Oh, I love when you tell it.

Mwah.
(grunts)

MARTY:
Sorry to hear about

you and Josh, by the way.

Mrs. Hernandez said
it didn't work out.

You know Mrs. Hernandez?

She comes in on Thursdays,
buys a single peach.

Strange woman.

So, anyway, back to me
and my business.
Yes.

And your engagement party.

Yeah, we're on a budget.

I mean, I'm the bread
manager at the market,

so I make more than Marty.

So you're the breadwinner.

No. I'm the bread manager.

Between us,
we don't have that much dough.

(laughs)

(chuckles)

That's funny.

How is that funny?

I think it's a bummer.

Don't you worry.

Your budget is not an issue,

because we can do
the event economically

right here at Home Base.

I call it

"Beer and Brats at the Base."

A SoCal Oktoberfest
without the nasty Germans.

Oktoberfests are very trendy
right now.

I heard that Prince Harry
and his Northwestern

theater major fiancée
love a good O-fest.

MARTY:
Yeah.

That sounds really great.

Uh...

What do you think, Ally?

Sure.

If that's what we can afford.

I mean, it's not like either
of us manages the meat.

So neither of you
brings home the bacon?

No. I don't like bacon,
so he doesn't bring it home.

Oh, lady, you're killing me.

Babe, as long as we're
celebrating our love,

I don't care where we are.

I just want everyone
to know we found each other.

Mmm...
Mmm...

Okay. People are watching.

Oh.
That's enough.

VALENCIA: Excellent.
Great. We'll keep in touch.

MARTY:
We will. I'm excited.
Bye, guys.

Okay. Bye.

Okay. What are we gonna do?

Uh...?

We can't plan that party.

That is a pass.
It's a clear pass.

What are you talking about?

Eh, Valencia,
did you not see them

and their whole dynamic?

I mean, she's only marrying him
as some kind of rebound

or consolation prize.

All I know is
she does not love Marty.

First, I didn't notice that.

But even if you're right,
then I hope they get married

and we do their wedding,

and then we do

their ironic divorce parties,
and then

their second weddings.

That's how you build a business.

Oh, wha-- I...
I cannot believe you right now.

Really. I can't believe,
that, considering

what you and I have been through
with men,

specifically Josh Chan,

you would let someone marry
a person that does not love them

and might, oh, I don't know,
leave them at the altar?

That is not on us.

Not at all.

All right. You know what?
I signed up to do good

and to help people.

And Marty needs my help now.

Where are you going?

I am going to warn Marty,

the way that I wish
someone had warned me.

Nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope.

You move, you die.

Also, everyone warned you.

Okay? Please.

This is my last shot
to keep this business afloat.

You wanted to help me,
please help me.

(insects chirping)

(grunting, muttering)

Of course he won,
he's got God on his side.

Mm-hmm.
(laughs)

(knocking)

Is this the poker game?

I wore a red hat as requested.

"Red hat" was a code.

Not a dress code?

No.

Oops.

Okay.

I would like to turn this money
into more money, please.

BRAH:
I'll take that.

Thank you.
TIM:
Yeah.

Let's do this.

Mama needs some new insulin.

(whoops)

Actually, she really does.

Her blood sugar
is all over the place.

Okay, belly up to the bar, boys.

Oh, I'm so scared, Father.

Oh, I am not "Father" tonight.

Tonight you will call me Daddy.

Okay. You ready?
Ooh. Okay.

Day seven. Time
to face the music.

Yeah. I'm ready.

All right.

(exhales sharply)

Time to measure
that body fat.

Oh, my God.
What?

This is insane.
What do we got?

You're down 1.2%.

What? Whoa! That is crazy.
(laughs):
Yeah.

That's like Efron territory.

That's like Baywatch Efron.

Not-not High School Musical
doughboy Efron.

No.
(blows raspberry)

Okay. All right. My turn.
Yeah.

Here we go.
(clears throat)

Here we go.
Yep.

Oh, I'm nervous. Okay.

No, you got this.

Oof.

What?

Sorry, dude.

Damn it!

I ate a banana.

Why do they put bananas
in the fruit section?

They should be
in the candy section.

I'm a candy-eating child.

Yeah, no, this is bad.

(groans)

You're only down 1.3%.

What? Really?
(laughing):
Yeah!

Yes, dude.
You were, you were
kidding just now?

I was kidding just now!
(whoops)

Come on!
Yeah!

That means that we both beat
our personal records.

Yes, we did!

(whoops)
Yeah!

You know what we should do?
We should get out there.

We should go get hit on.

Yeah, we should. We should.

We can't keep this chiseled
perfection locked away in here.

Mm-mm. No, we should take
these sculptures out

on a walking tour.

Better yet, let's take
these sculptures to a museum,

put 'em on display.

We're talking about
going to a bar, right?

No, I thought we'd go
to an actual museum,

maybe take an audio tour,

swing by the gift shop,
buy a book, or something.

Really?
Yeah, no, I'm talking
about a bar.

Oh.
Come on. Let's go,
you sexy dum-dum.

Okay.

WOMAN:
Eyes up!

MAN:
Foul ball!

Ally's so cold and distant.

It's like she's got
one foot out the door.

And have you noticed
how Marty always texts us back,

like, right away,
but Ally only texts back things

like "busy" or "K"

or "L," which I think
is just a typo for "K."

So what?

(grunts)
Valencia.

I just have a gut feeling.

Stop it, please.

This is all you've talked about
for the past week.

Yeah, but I've only aired
my doubts to you;

I haven't said anything
to Marty.

Because they are not real.

And even if they were,

I don't care.
(Marty laughs)

Now they're here.

Pull yourself together.

(exhales)

Well, slap me with a schnitzel.

This looks amazing.

Valencia, you outdid yourself.
(phone vibrates)

Ah.

Didn't she, Ally?

(laughs)

Sorry,
it's the beverage manager.

He's kind of funny, but it's
like, "Why are you texting me?

I'm engaged."
(laughs)

Uh...
Wow.

(laughs)

Say nothing.

(laughs)

VALENCIA:
Okay.

(exhales)

So I told WiJo I was a volunteer
fireman, but that's a lie.

You're not?

I'm not totally a fireman.

Okay, so you're a,
you're a partial fireman?

Josh...
what job do you have?

Wha-- it's not about the job,
it's about my future.

What do you mean?

I mean...

everyone around me seems to know
what they want to be,

and I don't.

It makes me feel so bad.

So, whenever I'm at my job,
which, again, is somewhat

but not completely
like being a fireman...

Uh-huh.

...I feel so sorry for myself.

Like, I want to cry.

Okay. Well, there's nothing
wrong with crying, man.

Especially for someone
in your situation,

which, you know,
as I understand it,

is being kind of sort of
a paid volunteer fireman...

Mm-hmm.

...things can get really rough.

Yeah.

Yeah, they are.

Yeah.

Thanks. You get it.

Yeah. And, dude,
whatever you're doing,

you look great.
(chuckles)

Like, any actual fireman
would be super happy

to have your body.

Thanks. It's hard
to look this good.

Uh-huh.

(dance music playing)

Whoa.

Lot of dudes at this place.
Yeah.

Some are kissing. That's cool.

Oh, yeah, no, it's a gay bar.

Which is great for me, but it's
also actually great for you,

'cause bachelorette parties,
girls' nights out,

girls who like to
dance in a circle.

I don't know. They're all here.

(whooping)

Oh, yeah, look at this, huh?

Cool.
No. Not cool.
It's actually horrible.

Straight girls are ruining
the best part about being gay.

This used to be the one place
that belonged to us,

but whatever.

Tonight... it works
for both of us.

So, uh, come on.

Let's do this.
Okay.

(Tim sighs)

DARRYL:
Ooh!

Ante, ante, show your fanny,

make that money
and turn it into honey.

We're not ante-ing, idiot.

Dude, you won last week.

Should've just called it a day.
BRAH: Yeah, also,

if you act like that,
no one's gonna feel bad

about taking your money.

Oh, you're just sore,
because last week,

I won a K and a G,

and some soon-to-be,
God willing, Tubmans.

And this week
I'm gonna

double and triple that.

Papa needs a baby.

Someone is gonna knife you
in the parking lot.

Okay. Aces are up,
deuces are wild.

Give me some money
to buy my child!

(laughs)

(clears throat)
That did not come out right.

I would never purchase a child.

I think that trafficking
is society's greatest scourge.

Read 'em and weep.

Sevens and fives.

(groans)

I got a flush.

ALL:
Oh!

(laughter)

Oh.

Damn her and her lucky peach.

DARRYL:
My egg money.

Oh, no.

(festive German music playing)

I wrote a song for you.

It's called "Punch

the Time Card of My Heart."

Awesome.
I'd love to read it later.

Oh, I was gonna sing it.

Honey,

there are people here.

(Heather groans)

I hate how much
I'm pulling this look off.

Wait, what are you doing?

You're supposed to be
passing out the wieners.

(laughs)
Wieners.

But, so I'm the only one
working?

I know, I...

My services are needed
elsewhere right now.

Rebecca. What are you doing?

Slap on a smile
and pass out those sausages.

I see some frauleins
and herrs without food.

Don't mess this up for me.

Later, hosen.

(sighs)

I'll be right back.

Okay.

(ringtone plays)

You're late.

When are you getting here?

Bring someone, so it doesn't
look suspicious.

(gasps)

Dude.

That guy you were
dancing with is hot.

(laughing):
Yeah! Yeah.

And your girl.

Oh.

Smoking.

They want to go home with us.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they do.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yep.

So why don't I want to?

I don't know.
I don't want to, either.

Do you think it's because of
our completely mutual breakups?

(chuckles)

Who are we kidding, dude?

We got dumped.

Yeah.

We did.

Ugh.

Yeah.

Onion rings?

Hundo P.

Hi.

BRODY:
Marty and Ally.

At long last,

your epic love story
has reached fruition.

Fruit, produce?

Grocery store... okay. No?

Too smart? All right.

To continue, um,
Ally, once you were mine,

and then Marty here came
and took you away,

with his...

weird songs
and his big hair, I guess?

I mean, nobody
gets it, right?

But I think
the important thing is that

I had a very big part

in your love story, and
so I kind of feel like...

I don't understand.

What am I telling people?

Just act like you're my date.

That's what I'm paying you for.

BRODY:
What is this venue?

It's like a sad restaurant
attached to a batting cage?

But they say love's
a lot like a pretzel.

You know? It's twisty
and it's turny, and...

once the salt's gone,
it's pretty bland.

So, good luck, guys.
Anyways,

speaking of Oktoberfest, who
here loves Angela Merkel, huh?

Chancellor? I hardly know her.

(laughs)

Anyway, I'm single.

*

NATHANIEL:
Those onion rings
were disgusting.

WHITE JOSH:
Yeah.

Being dumped sucks, man.

Worse than your pecs feel
after, like, 50-pound flyes.

Oh, to me, it's more
like how you feel

after a one-rep squat PR.

Mm.

Yep. Yep.

Excuse me?

(laughing):
Hi!

Can you guys be sad
somewhere else?

Hi. This is my girl Sherry.

She's wearing Spanx tonight

'cause we is out on
the town. All right?

And me, I'm getting married,

if you want to buy me
a dranky-drank-drank-drank.

So, yeah, you guys
are killing the vibe in here.

This bar is not for you, there
are straight bars everywhere!

Yeah, they're called bars.

Uh, God, what's their problem?

(scoffs)
They don't have problems.

Do you see how hot they are?

Guys like this

don't have real problems.
Mm.
(laughs)

(women laughing)

No one understands.

No one understands.

* One
* Two

* One, two, three, four

* We know what people think
when they see us *

* That we're so hot,
it's insane *

* Ayne, ayne, ayne *

* When we exit a pool

* We do it in slow motion

* But that don't mean
we can't complain *

* 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too *

* Don't look at us

* We're not dancing for you

* This is our quiet,
personal time to reflect *

* Flect, flect, flect *

* We both have
almost no body fat *

* But we're too bummed out
to talk about that *

* I know we look

* So much better than you

* But fit, hot guys
have problems, too *

* Uh!
(crying)

* Everyone is
at our sexual mercy *

* Be them a mister
* Or miss

* Miss, miss, miss *

* But when we're down
on our knees *

* No one has sympathy

* Because they only see this

* And this

* And this
* And this

* And this
* And this

* And this

* But what about this?

* 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too *

* Don't look at us

* We're not dancing for you

* It's just hard

* To process emotions
with our clothes on *

* Clothes on, clothes on,
clothes on *

* Our pecs are perfect,
but we have bad days *

* So don't objectify us

* With your male
and female gaze *

* We have childhood traumas

* Just like you

* 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too *

* Uh...

Give us back our shirts,
you monsters.

Yeah, what's
wrong with you?!

Come on, guys.
Who's got it?

(audience cheering, whistling)

Uh, Josh?

No.

Hold on, are you,
are you actually here?

Like, in reality?

Uh, yeah.

This is my new job.

I'm a go-go dancer
at this club.

That's what you meant
by volunteer fireman.

Okay, got it.

You want to join our
imaginary song and dance?

Sure.

* 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too *

* Don't look at us

* We're not dancing for you

* Leave us alone

* We have to twerk out our sad

* Sad, sad, sad, sad, sad

* Sad, sad

* We're expressing our pain

* Through the art of dance

* But we'll express
so much better *

* Without these pants

* There's so much pressure

* When you're a fit, hot guy

* So just let us ugly cry...

(crying)

* Let us ugly cry.

(crying)

Oh, God!
Oh!

(all crying)

Hey, have you seen Ally?

Seen? Is that supposed
to be an eye joke?

No.

(Ally laughs)

(sighs)

Ahem.

(clears throat)

Oh, yeah, it's
classic drywall.

It's flat.
It's dry.

Uh... it's a wall.

What is wrong with you?

Why are you cheating on the
person you're about to marry?

God, you don't even
seem to like him.

He doesn't deserve this.
He's a person.

I just want to be married.

All my friends are married.

I'm not ready
for commitment.

Okay, that's it.

I'm putting a stop to this.

Dude.

Why didn't you tell me
you were working the pole?

I'm not a stripper.

I'm a go-go dancer.

There's no pole.

Actually, I wish there was.

It would make the whole fireman
thing a whole lot better.

Hmm.
I-I was
embarrassed.

I-I didn't want
to ruin your opinion of me.

You guys put me up on a pedestal
and think I'm perfect.

No, no. No one thinks that.

NATHANIEL:
Hey, Josh.

Josh, this is Mona.

We know each other
from Stanford.

Isn't that
an amazing coincidence?

She's here with her
old sorority sisters

doing a little scavenger hunt.

Seriously, they should just
burn all these places down.

Hi, Joshes.

Nat, I'm gonna go say bye
to my friends, okay?

Okay.

You, uh, you going
home with her?

Yeah. I figured why not?

You know?

I already gave her my boxers
for the scavenger hunt,

so I'm halfway there.

Yeah.

You going home?

Uh... yeah.

Yeah, I'm good.

You sure?
You don't want

to go back inside
and find someone, too?

Oh, yeah, totally.

This place doesn't
just have hot girls.

It also has tons
of gay guys.

Huh?

VALENCIA:
Now let's hear

from Marty's grandmother.

Aw.
Yay.

All right,
give me that, Grandma.

(guests booing)
MAN: Hey, come on.

But that's my grandma.

Oh, you know what,
you should thank me.

She was gonna rap.

Oh, no.

Ally.

This toast is from me.

Sit your ass down, bitch.

(guests murmuring)

(chuckles nervously)

What's wrong?

I'm here today...

...to talk about love.

Love, uh...

can be an amazing thing.

And when you're in it,

it's the most wonderful feeling
in the world.

(clears throat)

I've been doing
a lot of thinking

about love in general lately.

Uh...

And, ah, screw it.

I tried, Valencia. I'm sorry.

Okay, Marty,
Ally's cheating on you.

She's cheating on you
with that guy

over there, and
it's very obvious,

so it's a little on you
for not noticing,

but, Marty, I can't
have this happen to you

'cause it happened to me
and no one warned me.

Um, everyone warned her.

Like, everyone.

Okay, just... Marty,
I know this is a shock,

and you love her,
and that feels wonderful,

and we tell ourselves that that
feeling is some higher calling,

but the truth is, Marty,
love can hurt you

and it can be very,
very dangerous.

My obsession with love
almost cost me my life.

So, I know this...
I know it hurts.

But, Marty, I just freed you.

You're free.

The rest of your life
begins now.

Rebecca, I already knew
about BevBro.

I-I've written 12 songs

about it.

They include
"Two-Liter Two-Timer,"

"Six Pack of Pain,"
and "A Carbonated Crime."

I don't care.

I love her.

I'll take what I can get.

She makes me happy...

and that's all
that matters.

And it's none of
your business.

It's okay.

Oh, hey, Darryl.

Oh, hey, Rebecca.

You're eating
a plain cake donut?

Oh.
What's wrong?

I don't deserve sprinkles.

What?
I gambled all
my money away.

Oh.
(groans)

You know why they call
it beginner's luck?

Because it doesn't work
the second time you try it.

What's up with you?

You don't look
so hot yourself.

(sighing):
It's the usual.

I'm just, I'm broken
and terrible.

It turns out I'm not only good
at ruining my own life,

I'm really good at ruining
other people's lives.

Oh.

I tried to help Valencia

with her new business
and I just...

I royally screwed up.

And she said
she forgives me,

but...

she's had to forgive me
so many times at this point.

I really am the worst.

What? No, you're not.
You're no such thing.

You're actually one
of my favorite people.

Thank you.
Top five.

Oh, Darryl.

You always make me
feel better.

The first second I came here,
you've been so nice to me.

I'd do anything for you.

You know that, right?

Hey...

PAULA:
Wow, really?

You're donating
an egg to Darryl?

That's... huge.

Is it, though?

They're just gonna pop out
one of my eggies,

put it in someone else's oven,

someone else will raise it.

It's a lot easier than teaching
a poor person to read.

I mean, I don't
mean poor. Sorry.

I mean dumb.
Right.

Rebecca, I-I know
you want to help Darryl,

but how is this gonna
affect your therapy?

Have you talked to Dr. Shin
or your group?

And is now the time to be
shooting up hormones?

I mean, your regular period is
like the Northridge earthquake.

Lots of screaming and crying
and broken dishes.

Paula, I hear your
questions and concerns,

but I promise you, I have
thought this through.

Have you, though?

No, not at all.

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