All language subtitles for Crazy.Ex-Girlfriend.S03E08.Nathaniel.Needs.My.Help.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.Rus.Eng_TeamHD_track6_[eng]

* Crazy is when I go
off the rails *

* This is what
you've done to me *

* Crazy is how your loving
makes me feel *

* This is what
I always want to be *

* I like it when a girl
gets crazy in bed *

* Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head *

* You do
* You don't *

* Want to be crazy

* And you don't
* You do *

* Want to be crazy

* To clarify, yes, no,
on the crazy *

* We hope this helps.

What?

Previously on
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Mr. Plimpton Sr., how
wonderful to see you!

Pop, you're here.
Were you asleep?

Were you feeling ti-ti?

No, I was, um, I was... sick?

AUDRA:
Hello, Bert.

How long have you been
a diagnosed schizophrenic?

16 years.

DARRYL:
Maybe having a baby

started out as a whim, but it's
what I want for my life now.

You don't want a baby,
maybe not ever.

This is not Josh's fault.

It's not even about Josh.

Maybe it never was.

JOSH:
I'm spiraling.

I feel like there's no ground

under me, you know?

I'm here for you.

(Rebecca moaning)

(moans softly)

Whoa. Good morning.

(giggles): Hi.

Hi, how are you?

I am so great.

(chuckles)

Hey.

I have an idea.

Why don't you take
the day off today

and let's do
something fun like...

go to Raging Waters.

Oh, I'd love to if water parks
weren't disgusting.

Oh...
And I have
a deposition today.

But, then tonight,
I'm taking you to a fancy dinner

in Beverly Hills.

(squeals):
What?

Yeah, I made reservations.

It's a bit of schlep, but...

(laughs) Wait, since when

do you use the word schlep?

Oh, well, I've been watching
a lot of Seinfeld.

I have a Jewish girlfriend,
after all.

(squeals):
Girlfriend?!

Wow, you are
squealing a lot today.

(squeals): Only 'cause
you're such a mensch.

Oh, oh, this again, okay.
Mm-hmm.

Oh, all right.

(both moaning)

(shower running)

How's your shower?

He can't hear me, it's fine.

(sighs contently)

(birds chirping)

(chuckles)

(sniffs)

Oh, Nathan-ay-el.

I scooped up his shirt
and I smelled it.

But I didn't just smell it,
I-I buried my whole face in it.

And it smelled so good.

It smelled like the yummiest
parts of his armpit.

I wanted to live in it.
Don't panic.

Okay? You felt intimacy
and affection, that's okay.

But is it, though?
For me,

first it starts out as
intimacy and affection

and then I get one
little love kernel--

that's what I call them--
and the next thing you know,

you know, I'm buying a
shrub costume and hanging

someone's teddy bear from a
closet rod by a karate belt.

What?

We'll talk about that later.

The point is,

I am worried how much
I'm into this guy.

Is it bad? Is-is-is it bad?
Please tell me it's not bad.

It feels so good,
but is it bad?

Rebecca, you're here.

You're in therapy, working hard,
addressing your issues.

Okay, all you have to do
is slow down a bit.

Just be mindful as you get
to know Nathaniel better.

Okay, be mindful as I get
to know him better.

I can do that.

Just one more thing.

Oh, lord.

Is it bad that
I'm wearing this?

It's not great.

PAULA: Hey, Darryl.
You ready?

We got some things to go over
before the deposition.

What is that?

Is that a hooker catalog?

It's not safe for work, buddy.

Hey, while I'm busting
your balls, I got to say,

it stinks in here.

The taxidermy, the
hides, the feathers.

There's so much dead
Southwestern stuff

in here, it's like
CSI: New Mexico.

This is my heritage.

Honey, if you bought it at a
gas station, it ain't heritage.

So, can you put away the
hooker book and let's go.

This is not a hooker book.

In and amongst these pages

is the potential mother
of my child.

You mean, a surrogate?

No, the surrogate is a nice lady

from Chino Hills
whose already done this

for a few other families.

These are the egg donors.

These are the women whose DNA
I'm gonna be commingling with.

Wow, Darryl.

I got to say, I am proud of you.

I thought after
your breakup,

you would just dissolve
into a puddle,

but you are forging
ahead all alone.

That's exactly the problem.

I feel like I'm picking a future
for this baby

and it's all on me.

What if I pick
the wrong person?

What if I mess this up?

(sighs)

I am trying not to meddle
in people's lives so much,

but I can see
you need help.

Also, catalog shopping
and judging people

are two of my
best events, so...

(laughs)
...why don't I just
pull up a tom-tom

and take a look.

(clears throat)
That's a priceless antique.

Oh, please, I know off-price
retail when I see it.

Oh, this is easy.
Here we go.

Okay, rapid-fire:

Crooked nose,
snaggletooth,

from Nevada,
weird mole,

dumb scarf,
likes cats,

dimple on one side,
clearly drunk,

no chin,
sloping chin,

three chins,
vegetarian.

Oh, my God, I didn't notice
all these bad things.

I don't want my child
to go through life

with something like
just one dimple.

It's already gonna have
just one parent.

Aw, Darryl. Darryl,
don't worry about that.

I mean, yeah, okay, they'll
only have one parent,

but... it's a good one.

You think I'm a good parent?

I do.

You know, the first time
I saw you with Madison,

you know what I thought?

"Oh, this is what
he's good at."

Hey, when do we get to go
through the guy catalog?

What do you mean?

I'm providing
all the guy stuff.

Really?

So... all your
stuff still works?

It's not expired?

Well, I don't know.

I mean...

they haven't
tested it yet.

Oh, my God, what if
my guy stuff is bad?

I didn't even think of that.

Tell you what.

You go to the doctor right now,
get your mayonnaise tested.

While you are
doing that, I...

will find us
the right girl.

Don't we have to go
to the deposition?

Oh. (groans)

You go.

That is boring
compared to this.

This is a chance to create
the ultimate human.

(laughs diabolically)

Get out. Go.

Oh...
Mmm...

That was really good
Italian food tonight.

Ooh.
You know what
was even better?

I'm gonna say
the sex we just had.

Yep.
Mmm.

Hey, I was thinking
about it and...

I want to get to
know each other better.

Outside of the, the sex.

Okay, yeah, let's do it.

Yeah. Uh, all right.

Let me think of a
question for you.

Um...

Ooh! Okay, here's one.

Tell me about your childhood.
Well, I don't know,

I don't think we need
to talk about that.

Oh, no, no,
please, tell me.

I want to know, what was little
Nathaniel's life like? Hmm?

Well, um, okay,
my parents...

are... not super warm.

Um, I was kind of
a lonely kid.

I didn't have any siblings.

I was good friends
with the gardener,

which is why
I hablo español.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm just picturing,
like, little Nathaniel

wandering around,
little-little bow tie

and knee socks like
Prince George.

(chuckles)
Okay, well, it wasn't so bad.

My mom and I, uh, we actually
have a pretty good relationship.

Um... my dad and I...

not so much.

Our relationship
consists mainly

of him glowering
and me cowering.

Sometimes I wish
we were closer.

You know?

Or close at all.

Or like,
knew each other.

Wow, I've, uh, I've never
said that to anyone.

Really?

I mean, I've talked
to Esteban about it,

but I've never had a girlfriend
who, you know,

wants to get to know me
like you do.

Well, have you talked to
your father about this?

Have you told him you
wish you were closer?

You should tell him.

No, God, I could never.

He should know
how sweet you are.

Am I?
Yes.

Wow, it's crazy
that you think that.

I just... (sighs)

I just wish there was some
way for your father to know

how wonderful you are.

PAULA:
She's perfect.

Look.

Number 456H76.

I have been through
this entire book

and she is
the only acceptable one.

College educated,
doesn't smoke, left-handed--

that means creative.
When asked for their pastimes,

she's the only one who did not
mention the beach or her dog

or going to the beach
with her dog.

Also, no duck lips,
no contouring,

no fake eyelashes,
no posing on a flamingo float.

She is the one.

I don't even have
a second choice.

Oh, yeah, she looks nice.

She's got kind eyes.

Your welcome.

Yeah!

Hello. I would like to place
an order for Mr. Whitefeather.

We would like one egg
from number 456H76, please.

What do you mean
it's not available?

So, you have it,
but I can't have it?

Do you have the egg or not?

(yells):
It's in the...

It's in the catalog.

(groans)

It's unbelievable.

Apparently these women can just
opt out of being donors

whenever they want,
even though their eggs

are still in the vault.

Oh, it's so unfair, frustrating.

* Coffee time George

* Time for George's coffee

* A little time
just for George? *

* He's gonna
make himself a cup *

* He's gonna
drink it up, he's... *
REBECCA: Psst.

Oh, hey, Rebecca.

How are you?
It's good to see you.

Shut up. Just meet me
in the bathroom now.

Ladies', mens',
what's happening?

(Rebecca sighs)
What are you doing?

I mean, why are we
sneaking around?

(door locks)

Okay, listen.

Cool. No one's here.

I don't work here anymore

and I just can't deal with
people right now, being like,

"Oh, how are you?
Are you feeling better?"

And, "I'm glad you're not dead,"

and, "If you were so depressed,
why didn't you lose weight?"

(gasps) I don't think
anybody would say that.

I like your
very normal body.

I think it's brave.

Blech. Okay.

Point is, I just can't deal
with people right now.

But, I need you
to do something for me.

I don't have access to
the company database anymore

and I need you to forward me
Nathaniel Sr.'s calendar.

I'll tell you why.
I'm gonna

accidentally-- on purpose--
run into Nathaniel Sr.

so I can repair his relationship
with Nathaniel.

He needs to know
how wonderful

and sweet and thoughtful
Nathaniel is.

My Nathaniel?
Yes, our Nathaniel!

For instance,
he always makes sure

that I am taken care of first,
if you get my drift,

and his dad needs to know
things like that.

Okay. Yeah, no, I don't
think this is a good idea.

Shut up!

I'm sorry. That was mean.

Shut up.

Just get me
Nathaniel Sr.'s calendar.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

It is an invasion of privacy,
and I don't work for you.

Okay, you know what?
I respect that.

It's just,
if you don't do this,

I will try
to kill myself again,

and this time, I'll succeed,
and the note will blame you.

Yeah, that's what I thought.
Okay, so,

come on, scurry and get it.
(snaps fingers)

Otherwise, uh, uh...
(imitates rope pull, gunshot)

Oh, my God. I'm just...

(sighs)

Joshua, darling,

this is not great.

You haven't packed at all.

You're moving out, and this
closet is still full of junk.

(sighs):
Oh.

You know I need this whole room
for my in-home daycare business.

This is the toddler room.

The muralist is coming
on Monday.

(sighs)
She's painting
a wonderful

dolphin scene.

Dolphins?
Are you kidding?!

You never let me have a dolphin
mural, and I love dolphins.

They're the
princes of the sea.

When I was a toddler,
I just had walls.

Why are you making me move?

I don't want to move.

But I need this room,
sweetheart. You know that.

And it will be so fun

living with Hector
and his mother.

She lives near Souplantation.

You love Souplantation.

I'm just going
through a tough time.

Too much change.

I'm still on probation
with Aloha,

I had to quit Home Base
after my zit explosion.

And I went through

this really intense thing
with Rebecca,

who, come to find out,
never really cared about me.

I'm in a lot of flux.

(whining):
Flux!

Josh, please.

Just pack the closet,
my sweetheart.

(sighs)

REBECCA:
I think I can really

bring Nathaniel
and his dad closer together.

You know, bridge the gap
between them, and

I have such a great plan
for doing that.

Hmm. I wonder about that.
What?

It feels like you're putting
yourself out there again.

No, I'm being very mindful,
like we talked about.

And I'm using
the exact tools

that we have all learned here

in group therapy
with my friends,

Lana and Clarice and Bert

and Jo... illson.
Rick.

My name is Rick.
I tell you every week.

You full-on forgot his name.

Yes, I did, but Rick,

I mean,
doesn't even know my name,

and he barely shows
an interest in me.

If you ask me,
your overinvolvement

in your dude's life is very
problematic, Rebecca Nora Bunch.

Oh...
(laughs)

BERT:
Snap.

Didn't you tell us other stories

about you trying
to run into people?

If you ask me, the whole
thing sounds very "O."

"O"?

Oh. No, Lana,
it's not O-bsessive.

I agree with L.
Seems "O." B-T O.

Can we just use real words?
Is that so much to ask?

BERT:
Listen, Rebecca,

I know how easy it is
to get obsessed.

I also get intense
about stuff.

I get very
maniacally

fixated on things,
and that's why they thought

that I was
a paranoid schizophrenic,

but they were obviously wrong.

I am borderline,

and that's why I can't
trust them or anyone else,

because they're all out
to get me!

Bert, hey, hi. Look at me.
Let's take a breath.

Were you saying that
to him or me?

'Cause you were looking
right at me.

I don't need
to take a breath.

Bert does,

and Rebecca definitely does.

How dare you.

I think we all need
to take a deep breath.

(all inhaling deeply)

(all exhaling)

SHIN:
That feels better.

Lana didn't breathe.

You can't make me.

Okay, everyone,

I hear you.
I appreciate everyone's advice,

and I am being present
and taking it in.

And Lana, it's true, okay?

I did spy on people in the past,
and it was unhealthy,

but this time, it's not that.

I'm doing something nice

for someone that I care about.

Which is okay, right, Dr. Shin?

Doing nice things is fine.

Overextending yourself because
you're idealizing someone

is what I want you
to keep an eye on.

Okay. Okay, my eyes are on that.
My eyes are on me.

Ah.

Well, hello, number 456H76.

(Paula laughs)

Oh, it's too easy.

Hi.

I'm Paula.
Do you have a second?

Here you go.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, excuse me, Miss,

do you have any magazines
with men in them?

Sure. I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.

I... I'd like to
hang onto 'em both.

Oh, of course. Whatever brings
all your boys to the yard.

Oh, thank you.

That is really
professional of you to say.

(laughs)

GEORGE:
What am I doing here?

I got you his schedule.
I want out of this scam.

Well, sorry, but you're
my driver and my wingman

and coconspirator and my
suicide prevention buddy.

What don't you understand
about this relationship?

Put on these pants.

Just do it here
right now.

Well, I can go
to the bathroom.

There's no time,
and don't worry.

I know what you
got down there.

I've seen plenty
of them in my day.

Well, I'm-I'm wearing underwear,
so you wouldn't...

Just put on the damn pants!
Okay. Oh, well, no!

What are we doing?
Where are we even going?

I'm so sad I don't have the
ability to fire you right now.

Tell me, or I'm out.

Oh, really? 'Cause boop, boop,
glug, glug, glug.

"It was George.
George made me do it."
Then I'll do it, I'll do it.

REBECCA:
Okay.

So, Nathaniel Sr.
will be here any second,

and when he gets here,
I am going to walk over

and just casually strike up
a conversation about golf.

I stayed up all night watching
old Masters Tournaments,

yeah, memorizing stats.

Oh, here's one. For
instance, did you know

that Arnold Palmer
won 92 tournaments,

and is not just a beverage?

(car door opens)
Oh, there he is.
There he is.

Okay.

Enjoy.

REBECCA: Okay, he's not
really dressed for golf, but...

All right, so we're just
gonna walk up to him

and be like, "Oh, I think

"you're Nathaniel Plimpton, Sr.

I'm kind of dating
your son." All right.

Come on.
Oh.

Oh.

Wait. He's walking
the wrong way.

What? Where is
he going?

Ooh. Hmm?

Who the hell is that?
(car door closes)

Where is Nathaniel Sr. going?

I don't know.

It could be a drug deal
or an affair.

Probably ridesharing app.

All right, well, come on.
Let's follow him.

What now?

Well, if something
weird is going on,

I have to get to
the bottom of it.

I owe it to Nathaniel,
so, let's go.

(sighing):
Oh.

(sucks in through teeth)

(sighs)

Good-bye, baseball
I caught at Dodger Stadium.

Good-bye, volleyball
I caught at Redondo Beach.

(sniffs)

Oh. Good-bye, tissue
from the cold I caught

from the hot girl
in algebra class.

(laughing)

Oh, man! Oh!

(laughs)

Oh! I can't throw this out.

This has all my favorite
karaoke tracks on it.

What? The batteries still work.

(laughs)

(whirring)

(chiming)
"First Love!"

Love this song.

(echoes):
Hello. Check, one, two, three.

Oh.
(upbeat melody plays)

MAN:
* Tonight I'm looking back

(laughs)

* I'm watching the pains
flick across the flames *

* Of a million memories...

You don't know me,
but I have a confession to make.

Does it have anything
to do with the fact

that you've been
stalking me?
What?

I've seen you skulking around
the park for the past hour.

I'm flattered,
but I'm into men. Sorry.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, no. I...

I have to talk
to you urgently.

So what is up with you taking
your eggs off the donor site?

I have a dear friend
who really, really,

really wants to make
a baby with those eggs.

Okay, so this is
not appropriate or legal.

So I'm just gonna reach for
my phone and call the police.

Oh, no, no, no! What do
you want? What do you want?

Ooh! How about store credit
at an off-price retailer?

I just returned
a tom-tom thingie

that you can
kind of sit on.

Okay, look,
this is none of your business,

and I'm sorry for your friend,

but I'm not donating anymore.

I graduated, and I'm getting
married, and I'm moving on.

But your picture is still there,
and we fell in love with you.

And-and you already
donated the egg!

I mean, it's just
sitting there on ice.

All-all you have to do
is sign a release.

Please, please, please
let us have the last one.

He needs it.

Oh!

(groans)

Mm!

Oh, my God, I am so nervous.

What if my swimmers are no good?

What if I can never again climb

the sacred mountain
of fatherhood?

Are you, like, even listening?

I got the yank bank
on the horn.

Oh, God.
They're on line four.

Give 'em your cell,
would ya?

I don't like
to vomit at work.

Thanks for the update.

This is Mr. Whitefeather.

What?

Yes?

Oh, is it bad?
Are they slow?

Are they dead?
Were there any?

Uh-huh.

(upbeat rhythm plays)

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

* Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

Oh, God,
this is gonna be gross.

* My sperm is nice and healthy

* In terms of sperm,
I'm wealthy *

* I'm like Warren Buffett,
I got so much of it *

* That's what
the doctors tell me *

* My point is in a nutshell

* Each time I bust,
I bust well *

* I got the quantity
and the quality *

* No IUD is stopping me

* 'Cause my semen's steaming
like a demon *

* And all the surrogates
be screaming *

* Just give me some of that
premium grade baby batter *

* I never splatter

* My sperm, my sperm
is no cause for concern *

* My sperm is healthy,
my sperm is healthy *

* Aw, shucks, gee whiz

* I got the best sperm
in the biz *

* My sperm is healthy,
my sperm is healthy *

My sperm is healthy.

*

Brad, you, too?

* Even though I'm no teenager

* My boys still throw a rager

* They get bottle service
in every cervix *

* Blowin' eggs up like a pager

* Every lady's
gettin' fertilized *

* Got a diaphragm?
It's gettin' pulverized *

* My sperm shines
brighter than the sun *

* So wear special glasses
or avert your eyes *

* Give thanks, my tank's
not shooting blanks *

* I'm in a league of my own
just like Tom Hanks *

* Not a castaway
but I blast away *

* That thing I do
is inseminate you *

* With my sperm, my sperm

* The tests have all confirmed

* His sperm is healthy *

* His sperm
is healthy *

* Aw, shucks, gee whiz

* My sperm just aced the quiz

* My sperm is healthy

* My sperm
is healthy... *

My sperm is healthy.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

REBECCA:
Well, they look very cozy.

Think we can
rule out rideshare.

Not necessarily.

You know, I've actually
had some of my best dates

when I was paying
by the mile.

Ugh, geez, I need
a new sidekick.

You make me so sad.

(quietly):
Okay.

Okay, who is that?

Wow, that girl looks young
enough to be his daughter.

Hey, old man.

She is his daughter.

That's his mistress
and that's his daughter.

Oh, my God.
I mean, this is...

I just uncovered years
of-of-of family secrets

and pent-up anger
and-and-and secrets.

Did I say secrets?

I think I said secrets.
I mean,

this is way better
than the little bits of love

I was gonna have to try to wring
out of his dried-up old dad.

This is something
so much better.

I-I-I got him a nice, juicy,
wonderful, little sister.

Ah, I'm amazing.

I-- no, I don't think
you're seeing this

the way people
are gonna see it.

MRS. HERNANDEZ: You have to tell
Darryl the donor said no.

I will get to it.

Will you ease up
already, Fonzie?

Topical reference.
Good one.

PAULA:
Good night.

MRS. HERNANDEZ: Later.
PAULA: See you.

Number 456H76.

What are you doing here?

I thought about it.

I'll do it.

(gasps)
I'll call the bank

and tell them to
release my last egg.
Oh, thank God!

There's just one thing
I want which is to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

We can talk about details later,
but right now,

I am gonna run upstairs
and tell Darryl it is on.

Thank you!
Thank you so much!

Mmm.

Mmm.

It is so cute
how you do that.

Eat food?
Yes.

Mm.

You know, I keep thinking
about the sad thing

that we were talking
about the other day,

about how you were lonely
as a kid.

I just keep picturing you
in footie pajamas,

sitting on Santa's lap...
(chuckles)

...being all sad and lonely.

But when you were sitting
on Santa's lap,

like, what did you wish for?

Did you ask for a puppy
or a kitty...
Hmm.

...or a little brother
or sister?

That's what you
asked for, right?
Uh, no.

I mostly asked for
treasury bonds.

Okay. But, but if you had
had a little brother or sister,

that would've made you
so happy, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Hmm, might've been fun.

Yeah?

Let me get these
out of the way.

Okay.
(clears throat)

(sighs)

* Now that you're mine

* I will take good care of you,
ooh, ooh *

* Baby

* Life wouldn't be worth

* Living

* As I do here

* Every day

* I love you in a precious way

* Ooh, ooh, ooh

* Ooh

* Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

You're still doing
karaoke videos?

You've been up all
night, sweetie.

You haven't even
packed your closet.

I know, I'm just,
I'm getting nostalgic.

The times in my life when I sang
along to these songs...

I mean...
those moments are all gone.

(sighs)

Okay, Josh.

I understand what
you're going through.

Really, I do.

But it's time to have
a little conversation.

JOSH:
Oh.

*

(mic feedback whines)

*

* My son, my
beautiful child *

* You brought me joy

* You've made me smile

* But now that you're grown

* And you're a man

* Why are you still here?

* I don't understand

* It's time to get your
ass out of my house *

* I don't care where you go

* I just want you to know

* You've got to get your ass
out of my house *

* Seriously

* Why do you still
live with me? *

* Year after year

* You're always here

* So let me be clear

* I want you to disappear

* Just in case you had
any doubt *

* It's time
to get your ass out... *

Okay, I get it.

I should've packed up
the closet.

You're right.
You're totally right.

I'm... you don't
have to keep singing.

* My son, perhaps
that was mean *

* But I think
you should know *

* How frustrated I've been

* That Dad and I
can't have sex... *

Ew.

* As loud as we want
Uh...

* So follow along
with this highlighted font *

* And please just

* Get your ass
out of my house *

(mouths)

* 'Cause I'm not in the mood
to keep on buying your food *

* Good God, just get your ass
out of my house *

* My church friends
think it's a shame *

* They say my son
is so lame... *

What's up
with the random rowboats?

* You can sleep in the park

* You can sleep on a bus

* You can live anywhere

* As long as it's
not with us *

* Thanks to your feet, this
house smells like sauerkraut *

* So, my dear child

* Get your ass out.

(mic feedback whines)

Everyone, get used
to speaking softly,

hand-sanitizing constantly

and never bringing uncut grapes
to the office again.

There's gonna be a baby in here.

(giggles)

My God, tell me everything.

Oh, Paula, I
am so excited.

They're putting my hot sauce
on the eggs this morning,

and the surrogate is on call

and as soon as the embryo
starts to divide,

they can implant it.

(laughs):
Oh, that's so great.

(phone chimes)

Would you excuse me
for a minute?

Sure.
Okay.

Hi.

What's this text
about money?

He already paid you.

Yeah, but not enough.

You left before I could finish
the other day.

Yes, I gave you my egg,

but I had terms.

You see, the way you approached
me was a bit unorthodox

and I would hate
for the police to find out

that you violated my anonymity
and stalked me.

That would be a bummer.

What?
So, I'd like to be paid

in monthly installments

for the rest of the baby's life.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

(laughs):
Wait.

You're blackmailing me?!

And you're a smoker.

Yeah.

But you checked "no smoking."

Yeah.

Oh, my God,
you're a horrible person.

I can't believe I picked
you out of a catalog.

If you were a sweater,
I would send you back,

or at least put you
in the front hall closet

for six months while I
intend to send you back.

Whatever. You're stuck with me.

Your friend's making
a baby with me right now.

No. Not on my watch.

I am, I am stopping this
right now.

WOMAN: Thank you for calling the
San Fernando Egg Donor Center.

Hi. Stop. Hold the baby presses.

Just-just don't fertilize.
Don't do it.

Just keep the huevos
out of the rancheros.
We're closed for the day.

Hello? Hello?
Please leave your name
and number

after the beep and we will
get back to you...
Wait. H... no.

...during our normal
business hours.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So what are we doing here?

Why are we meeting a client
in this dump?

I am so sorry.
I lied to you.

There is no client.
She made me do it.

I tried to stop her,
but I-I couldn't.

It's Rebecca.
She is a train

and you can't get off.
And you're trying

to pull the brake, but
the next thing you know,

you're shoveling more
coal into the engine.

I don't know how
trains work.

I am so sorry that
I hit your car.

Uh, but a dozen donuts is
the least that I can do.

Ugh, I don't want
a dozen donuts.

I want your insurance
information.

I've been asking you
for that for half an hour.

Rebecca.

What's-what's happening here?

A surprise.

An impish ruse,
but for the best of reasons.

Wait, what's going on here?

Did you hit my car on purpose?

NATHANIEL:
Hold on.

Y-You hit her car?

Yes, yes, yes,
but for all the right reasons.

Nathaniel...
(sighs)

...meet your sister.

That's right, Nathaniel.
This is your sister,

sired by your father
and his secret whore.

I know this would be
a shock at first.

WOMAN:
Whoa, whoa.

Whore? And... sister?

What's happening?

And Nathaniel,
what are you even doing here?

You don't eat donuts.

Uh...
(stammers) Sorry, you know him?

You know your secret sibling?

Okay, so, I'm gonna run away.

You're not going anywhere.

Yeah.

But how do you two
know each other?

Her mom was my dad's
secretary for years, Janice.

Okay, right, and they're
having an affair.

WOMAN (laughs):
No.

My mom worked
for Mr. P. Sr. for 30 years,

so he pays for my tuition
and once in a while,

we invite him
over to lunch.

Wait... (stammers)
why all the secrecy?

Why does he pretend
to play golf?

He has 150 employees.

You think he wants to pay
hundreds of tuitions?

Wait a minute.

How do you know he
pretends to play golf?

Um, uh...

Okay, I think we need
to have a talk.

(sighs)

Oh... you did it, honey.

Don't you feel
so much better?

No, I feel terrible.

And you're being
so mean lately.

Joshy,

what's really going on with you?

I don't know.

My whole life,
I-I knew what I was gonna do,

who I was gonna be.

Get a comfortable job,
marry Valencia,

see you guys every weekend,

coach Little League,

go to church,
hang out with my friends,

own a shave ice machine...

(sighs) But none of it
makes sense anymore.

I don't want those things now.

I know, growing up is hard.

I've been trying to remember
when it stopped making sense.

I... I moved back from New York,

I tried to settle back in,

but things were not right
between me and Valencia

because I started
spending time with Rebecca.

And that job
at Aloha,

Rebecca also got for me
because she believed in me.

And then V and I split up,
also because of Rebecca.

When you think about it,

Rebecca's everywhere.

She changed me.

Made me think my life
could be different.

I could be special.

My God, she ruined me.

I spent my whole life
in flip-flops

and she made me
want closed-toed shoes.

I can't go back to my old life.

I-I got to find a new life!

(snoring)

Hey, Mom!

(snorts)
Oh.

Sorry.

Those are not real problems.

(scoffs)

God, I hope it's a girl.

I want to name her
Daphnila or Sefarine.

Yeah, not names.

What's the matter with you?

Why aren't you
more excited?

This baby was
Frankensteined by you.

Yeah, no, it is.

I-I-I know.
(scoffs)

What?

What's wrong?

There are a couple of
little details

that I neglected to tell you.

(phone rings)
Oh.
Oh.

Yes?

Hello, Dr. Ellerbe.

Yes?

Yes!

I'm gonna be a daddy?!

Oh, God, no.

Oh, the fertilization
didn't take.

Thank God!

What? It didn't work?

But...
Oh, no, no, no.

Darryl, number 456H76
was a blackmailing,

secret smoking bitch.

And I know that because
I tracked her down

and I gave her all this
blackmail leverage.

And I can't believe I did that.

Oh, God, I'm so out of practice.

So sloppy.

*

So nothing happened?

There's no baby?

Oh, no, honey.

Not this time.

But this is a good thing.

I promise.
And next time,

we're gonna get somebody
so much better.

Yeah.

Okay, in another year.

A year?

Paula, it is really expensive
to buy those huevos.

I can only do it,
like, once a year.

Oh, my God.

(softly):
I'm so sorry.

(sighs)
Oh...

(sighs)

I have to stop interfering
in people's lives.

I do it when I'm unhappy,
I do it when I'm happy,

and either way,
it never works out.

Uh, doy.

I deserve that.

So...

you said you wanted to talk,
but you haven't said anything.

(clears throat)

I'm still processing.
Okay.

Okay, that's healthy.

Um...

I will just, uh,
I'll wait here

and eat until
you're ready.

Thank you.
Great.

(huffs under breath)

Oh, God, just tell me.

Do you forgive me?

Are you gonna
forgive me?

Please don't break up with me.

Just tell me, okay?
Just rip the Band-Aid off.

Are you gonna break up with me?
You're breaking up with me.

But are you?
Are you gonna break up with me?

Rebecca, what you did
was absolutely...

It was over the top.

Inexcusable. I-I know.

But...

you were trying to help.

Yes. Yes, I was, I really was.

The thing is, you and I
are really different.

But that's part of what
I like about you.

And I feel closer to you
than I have to basically anyone.

You make me feel like I could be
a different kind of person,

a person who
expresses their feelings

and-and cries at movies and...

makes eye contact
with homeless people.

So you're gonna forgive me?

Yeah, I think I will.

(exhales)
But...

you have to promise

never to do anything
like that ever again.

I promise.

I swear.

Come here.

This table's really long.
I'm just gonna...
Very long.

I'm just gonna come
over there.
Come on over.

I'm just gonna...
I'm just gonna

scoot over here.

Oh, hi.

REBECCA:
Whew! So...

whew! I got away with it.
(laughs)

Mm-hmm.
That was the wrong
choice of words.

I mean, we worked it out.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I hear you.

And what I did was
not the best idea.

Mm-hmm.

But it came from caring
and affection.

It wasn't about obsession.

No, what I did

was selfless and kind.
It was too kind.

Rebecca...

I like this guy, okay?

I like him a lot.

I like him so much
and I want to be with him.

So, what, I can never
have a great relationship

because I have borderline
personality disorder,

is that what you're saying?

Not at all.

But doesn't it feel like

you're repeating
some old patterns?

Your patterns
with Josh, perhaps?

Uh, J-J-Josh?

No, no, no. No, no, no.

The way I am with Nathaniel

is nothing like
the way I was with Josh.

I just want to make
Nathaniel a better person,

and I want to make him

happy all the time and I want

to get to know everything
about him

and I want to get to know
everyone in his life

and I want to have
that feeling

that you get when you really
get to know someone

and it feels like glitter
is exploding inside of you.

Ah... Oh...

Mm-hmm.

Okay. I've been thinking
about ways to raise money.

Here they are, rapid-fire:
Bake sale, car wash,

lap dances in the office--
here me out.

Not a lot of people know this,

but Mrs. Hernandez
has a rack on her...

What the hell happened in here?

I sold it.

I sold all of it.

(gasps)
Jackalope...

I know. I know.

People wanted to buy that junk?

Most of it, no.

I mean, I did have
one piece of turquoise

that turned out to be real.

(gasps)
And then the rest

I just sold to stupid hipsters

at the Melrose flea market.

I want to try again

right away;
I don't want to wait.

I am ready for this baby.

Well, that's great, Darryl.

And I promise, this time
I will stay out of it.

Oh, no,
please don't.

Me and Tasmyline...

we need you, Auntie Paula.

Auntie Paula? Oh...
(laughs)

Oh, I like the way that sounds.
I know. Me, too.

But I don't like the way
Tasmyline sounds,

so that is a hard,
hard no on that.

What about Shatonka?

Uh...

It means "lady truck."

(birds singing)

REBECCA:
I ran into Josh.

He made me feel warm inside,

like glitter was exploding
inside me.

*

(knocking at door)

Hey.

Hey...

Can I talk to you for a second?

(exhales) Okay.
Sure, come on in.

I, um... (clears throat)

...uh, came over
to see you because...

there's something
I never said.

Oh, God, Josh--

Look, if you're here
to say sorry,

there's really no need.

Like... it's fine,
stuff happens.

No, not sorry.

Thank you.

Wh... What?

Before I met you,
I set the bar

so low for myself.

But you freed me from that.

Whatever

my future holds,

it's different
from what I planned and...

(sighs)

...that's because of you.

Wow.

Now I'm, uh, learning
to break out of my patterns.

Well, Josh, thank you
for coming here

and saying all
these things.

This must have been hard.

It was.

And, um, you know, the truth is,

I'm a bit of a coward.

And I'm not great at
doing the hard thing,

even when I know it's right.

God, doing the right thing,
is there anything worse?

But...

(exhales loudly)

...there comes a time when...

(clicks tongue)
...it's what you have to.

Hey, Josh,

not to be rude, but there's
something I need to do,

so can you get your ass
out of my house?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Thanks.

(sighs)

(knocking at door)

Hi.

Hi.

Rebecca, what's wrong?

Nathaniel, I, uh...

I have to do something
I've never done before.

What?

(clears throat, exhales)

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