All language subtitles for Crazy.Ex-Girlfriend.S03E07.Getting.Over.Jeff.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.Rus.Eng_TeamHD_track6_[eng]

Previously on
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

REBECCA: Oh, I'm so embarrassed
that I caused such a scene.

And I didn't,

I didn't even want to die.

I just wanted the pain to stop.

You don't want to
have a baby, do you?

No.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Are you sure you don't
need to go be at home?

What about your kids?

PAULA: I am where I should be.
Which is...

right by your side.

DR. SHIN:
It is my opinion

that you exhibit
many of the characteristics

of borderline
personality disorder.

I'm here for you.

That really means a lot.

(sighs happily)
Hey, Heather.

(door closes)

What up, what up,
what up, what up?

You're in a good mood.

Yeah.

Wow.

Someone did some shopping.

Yes, I'm very excited.

Can't believe your doctor
gave you so much homework.

Oh, no, you know, he only
assigned me one of those books,

but I just figured,
if filling out one book is good,

filling out all of them
must be even better.

You're such an A student.

God, I miss
being a student.

Is there something

you can fill out
when you used to be a student,

but now you're not a student?

I think it's called
a job application.

Oh.

Ah. Mm, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Oh-- let's see.

"Exercise One: Scan your body
for any signs of distress."

(robot voice):
Initiating body scan.

Oh, these pants feel tight.
They are tight in the crotch.

These are terrible pants.
I should get rid of these pants.

Please don't take your pants
off in front of me,

I know you haven't
done laundry lately.

I'm actually wearing
your bikini bottoms.

You can keep 'em.

Thank you.

(Rebecca scat singing)

Did all the books.

Are you proud of me?

I don't know if you keep
stickers around, but if you do,

I prefer scratch-n-sniff, so...

Rebecca, I applaud
your work ethic,

but recovery is not about
assigning yourself homework

and doing it in record time.

So you're saying
I set a record.

I know you want an A-plus,
but I need to challenge you

to get a different
type of grade.

What's better than an A-plus?

-A C-plus.
-(gasps)

I know by doing this work,

you want to
get better quickly,

but for someone like you,
the overachieving

is part of the issue.

You need to relax.

Relax? Okay, is that what
they told you to do at Syracuse?

I'm sor-- I'm sorry,
Syracuse is a lovely school

for communications or something.

Hey, you need to
put the pencil down.

You have been
in a therapy bubble.

All right? It is time to
take steps into the real world.

The real world?
No, no, I don't want that,

'cause what if I mess things up?

Then that's okay.

Go out there
and make some messes,

have some adventures.

And stop being
so hard on yourself.

I mean, you're right.
I am hard on myself.

God, it's one of
my worst qualities.

God, I'm such a dumb, loser,

hard-on-myself bitch.
That.

Stop doing that.

(sighs)

I just don't want to fail.

You need to redefine failure.

As I did, when I only got into
my safety school.

(laughs):
Oh, ho...

That's a beauty.

(giggles)

Hey! Look,
I made special pancakes

with a sports theme.

Basketball, soccer ball,
baseball, golf ball.

Those are just circles, Mom.

Oh, wait till you hear
what happened this morning.

Okay, so Grandma calls

and she said she's got this
church retreat in Minnesota

that she has to go to,

and she wants me
to stay with Grampa.

(laughs)

'Cause he fell down
'cause he's old or--

cough, cough-- alcoholic.

What is she thinking?

Like I would ever go
and do that.

You guys know how much
my dad annoys me.

Who's ready for
an egg-n-cheese sammy?

I am.
Me, too.

SCOTT: (chuckles)
So hungry.

You're going out to breakfast?

I mean, what are you
talking about?

While you were busy with
Rebecca, we got a new routine.

We do drive-through
for breakfast now.

BRENDAN: Yeah. Let's get
going. Starving. Mmm.
Yeah, same.

(chuckles):
Mm-hmm.

So hungry.
Craving those sandwiches.

Hey, Scott.

TOMMY:
Yeah, it's the best.

Look, I know I was AWOL
with Rebecca,

but I'm back. I'm here.

I am doing laundry,
I am flushing toilets,

I am helping with homework.

Okay, let's face it,
I am doing homework.

Yeah, but we don't know how long
this is gonna last.

You go through phases.

Before Rebecca,
there were those vampire novels.

Sudoku, and then there
was the obsession

with Amal Clooney's outfits.

She is a style icon
and a barrister.

There's always something
you're obsessed with

and, uh, eh,
it's kind of never us.

We're like a, I don't know,
a chore or something.

You're not a chore.

This is my life
and I have accepted it.

My life is chores and working

and studying
and never having enough time

to finish the last season
of Outlander it's fine.

I wasn't trying
to start something.

You do your best.

But it always feels like
there's some part of you

that's not really here.

Why is that? Hmm.

Don't know.

I'm in just such a transitional
time right now, you know?

Tell me about it.

My voice is cracking,

hair is appearing
in very strange places,

and my armpits are starting
to smell like...

like armpits.

But I'm supposed to be
past that.

I'm a big boy.

What's the word for that?

Man.

Yeah.

Man, what is the word for that?

Josh, I couldn't help
but overhear

as I was trying to overhear.

You're looking for a job, huh?

(scoffs) I really need a job.

I'm on indefinite suspension
from Aloha so I'm broke.

We've been looking
for a bartender.

You interested?

Bartending? Huh.

I thought it was kind of lame
when Greg did it,

but I bet I could make it cool.

I am really coordinated because
of my martial arts

and my magic.

I bet I could pick up

some dope Cocktail tricks
pretty fast.

We mostly serve beer,

so we don't need
anything fancy.

Thanks for not cheering
too loud at my game today.

I know it was hard.

Yeah, I tried to reign it in,

but it is hard because Madison
is rad-ison.

(chuckles)

I'll excuse it because you're
going through a tough time.

I mean, you just broke up
with your boyfriend.

You did break up
with him, right?

(clears throat)
What?

Come on!

You want to have a baby.
He doesn't.

I know, but it's so hard.

I still care about him.
I love him.

You got to rip off the Band-Aid.

That's how I broke
up with Jimmy.

I ripped off his Band-Aid.

Here he is. Do it.

Joshua!

My dad has something
to tell you.

Oh, yeah?

Um...

What's up?

(sighs)
Um...

Madison won her game.

WHITE JOSH:
Oh, nice, Madison. Way to go.

So, you're really thinking
about going back to Buffalo?

Nobody appreciates me
at my house right now.

I mean, I might as well.

Scott has been so pissy lately.

Oh, sometimes I wish I could
just touch a stone wall

and go back to 1743 to be
with my other husband,

the Scottish warrior, and you
don't watch Outlander, do you?

Mm, sorry.
Like, none of this

makes any sense to you.

(inhales sharply)

Okay.
Anyway, Paula, are you

sure you want to go back and
hang out with your dad? I mean,

you hate him; he makes you
feel horrible about yourself.

Yeah, no, I wasn't gonna go,

but, you know, he needs me

and, I mean, Buffalo's
gonna be messy, but...

at least it's kind
of an adventure.

A messy adventure, you say?

That sounds fun.

You know, I've always wanted
to go to Buffalo.

You have?

Yes, yes.

Ever since I saw Bruce Almighty.

(laughs):
Oh, my...
Paula. Paula,

no, this is perfect. This is
exactly the kind of adventure

that Dr. Shin
was talking about.

Let me come with you.

Really?
Yeah.

(knocking on door)

Yeah, come in, Paula.

Hey.

Oh.
I just, uh,

wanted to come check on you.

You know, like men do.

Haven't seen you in a
while. Everything good?

You're not running
away again, are you?

No, no, no, I'm just, I'm going
on a quick trip with Paula.

I'm trying to get out
of my bubble, my therapy bubble.

It's why I've been kind of MIA
from everything, so, sorry.

Oh, no, don't be sorry.
It's, it's good to see you.

Yeah.

Might have missed
you a little bit.

I don't know.
Prob-Probably not.

I'm probably just feeling
a little weird

because I accidentally
had dairy yesterday.

I asked for a grilled cheese
sandwich, but I said "no cheese,

no bread, I just want
a hot, salty tomato."

But, you know,
they don't listen.

Cool. What a roundabout
explanation

for wanting to
come see a friend.

Come here.

*

I don't know if I can have sex.
Huh?

I don't know if the books
say that I can have sex yet.

I mean, and I definitely
am not ready for a relationship.

Not that that's what
you're trying to do.

I don't know what I'm saying.
You're a really good hugger.

Oh, thank you.

The thing is, I would love

to have sex with you again.

Like, I'm talking to you
here right now,

but there's another
version of me--

like, an alternate version
in a parallel universe--

that's just ripping
your clothes off

right now and climbing you
like the sequoia you are,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Sequoia?
Yeah.

'Cause you're, like,
tall and hard,

and wooden, and sexy,
and native to California,

so just get out of here, please.
Please just get out of here.

Okay. All right.
I'm-a go.
Go.

But... I'm-a go sexy.

(yelps)

(laughing)

Why is Nathaniel
leaving so sexy?

It's a whole thing.
Let's just go.

Okay.
No. Mm, no.

Hey, Dad.

Look who's home from Hollywood.
(laughs)

It's West Covina.

It's not even close
to Hollywood.

This is my friend, Rebecca.

Look, enough with
the pleasantries.

Your mother told you come
and babysit me.

I don't need it.

I fell, I got a giant bruise
on my ass cheek.

Other than that, I'm perfect.

Hey, isn't that the girl
your mother told me about?

She, uh, kind of sucks
at killing herself?

Dad!

(laughs)

Hey, I know this guy from
my old precinct in Brooklyn,

he tried to shoot himself
in his foot

to get workers' comp.

Blew off his willie.

You're like that guy.

Oh, my God, Rebecca,
I am so sorry.

No, no, no.
It-It's okay.

Wait, wait, so the guy
just blew off the willie?

Not the entire package?

So that means he
just missed out

on becoming, like,
a great soprano?

By a hair.

(Rebecca and Bob laughing)

He's funny.

He's really not.

Paula doesn't have a sense
of humor. Never has.

That's why she's
not likable.

Hey,

I'm not saying anything
you don't know.

You have other
qualities.

You're sturdy.

Would've made a great
defensive tackle.

Well, see, Paula?

That's-that's
a genderless compliment.

Yeah, you know,
I always actually wondered

if maybe Paula had a
pecker, a little one,

you know what
I'm saying?

Okay, never mind. I'm sorry.

You know what?

I'm gonna go to the market.

'Cause I'll bet
all you got in the fridge

is artillery and vodka.

Oh, I'm almost
out of vodka.

Go ahead.
I'll stay with him.

Bye.

(door opens, closes)

Hey, would you like to see

a big turd I left in the toilet?

No. Kinda.

(sighs)

*

PAULA (echoing):
Jeff.

Can I help you, ma'am?

Who is that?

That's...

That's my Josh Chan.

Is that your ex
or something?

Oh, he's not just any ex.

He's... he's the one
I never got over.

I thought if I saw
him again, I'd...

I'd want to punch
him in the face,

but instead I feel
all warm and tingly inside,

like glitter is
exploding inside of me.

CLERK:
So he was your first love?

Oh, baby, he was
my first everything.

*

* I've thought about him
for so long *

* Those memories
are crystal clear *

* I was so young

* He was so big and strong

* I can't believe
that he's right here *

* I was such an innocent girl

* When we first met

* He opened up my eyes,
showed me a whole new world *

* So how could I ever forget?

* The first penis I saw

* First penis,
very first penis *

* First penis

* Very first penis I saw

* First penis,
very first penis, penis *

* First penis

* Very first penis I saw

* And of all the penises
I've seen *

* His had the biggest impact

* And by that what I mean is

* It really made me
drop my jaw *

* 'Cause it was
the very first penis I saw *

* A few times before

* I felt it through his pants

* And just generally
kinda rubbed it *

* But that night
I decided to take a chance *

* I took it out and he really
seemed to love it *

* I didn't know
what to do next *

* I didn't have
that part planned *

* He said, "Let me show you
some basic moves" *

* And then he took my hand

* And taught me all about the

* First penis,
very first penis *

* First penis

* Very first penis I saw

* First penis,
very first penis, penis *

* First penis

* Very first penis I saw

* Not the dirtiest,
also not the cleanest *

* In terms of penis,
I really was the greenest *

* I was in total awe

* Of the very first penis
I saw *

*

He's coming!
Bail on the turntable!

* I was so eager,
I couldn't hide my keenness *

* Everything about it
seemed quite ingenious *

* I couldn't find
a single flaw *

* In the first penis

* Very first penis

* Very first penis I saw!

Paula O'Brien?

Jeff Channington.

Heather, you're gonna
have to step it up.

I've been rocking
the YouTube tutorials,

and a simple pour
ain't gonna win you this rodeo.

I'm not in a rodeo.

Hey, check this out.
I call this the Big Boy.

Who's thirsty?

Who's thirsty?

I'm a Big Boy! I'm a Big Boy!

Oh, man, this is a barf.

You like that?

Yeah.

(laughing)

All right!

Hey, I'm Teresa.

I'm Josh.

I'm a big boy.

I can see that.
(chuckles)

I love your Cocktail moves.

Thanks. It's called flair.

Cool.

Hey, so you busy after work
tomorrow night?

Oh, I always get busy
after work tomorrow night.

(laughs)

That's good!
(laughs)

I mean...

this is unbelievable.

So you... back in town?

I mean, I thought you were off
living in Hollywood.

Well, actually, uh, yes.
Yes. Yes, I am.

Yes, I'm back
for a couple of days, yes.

Wow. I mean, you're just here
for a couple of days

and we ran into each other?

That is crazy.

Yeah. So weird, right?

I mean, we haven't
seen each other since...

You dumped me in
the parking lot of the mall

after we saw
Fried Green Tomatoes.

(sighs) I'm sorry.

What a jerk I was.

Yeah, so ever
since then,

I hear Kathy Bates
do a Southern accent,

and I have to leave the room.
You know,

Paula, you were so cool

and so funny
and so smart.

And you were
the only girl in town

who knew anything about Camaros.

By the way, I'm restoring one.

Yeah, I bought it
on eBay.

It's stupid, but it's my hobby.

Always makes me think of you.

Me?

Yeah.

Do you want to come and see it?

(sighs, groans)

Look, here's my card.

In case you change
your mind.

*

I've never watched
conservative news before.

All the women look
exactly the same,

like they're old,
blonde Miss USAs.

Why is that?

Well, if we put 'em
on the news,

then we don't have to send 'em
out to the glue factory.

(both laugh)

Bob, that's terrible.
Eh...

Bob, be real. You don't agree
with all this stuff, right?

I mean, you don't think
everyone should own a gun?

Oh, no.

They should own two guns:

one for animals,
one for people.

Bob!
(laughs)

God.
Of course.
Here you go.

Oh, ah...

I don't know if I can.

Sorry. I honestly

don't know what my book says
about alcohol.

Your book?
You mean like a Bible?

Uh, kinda, but less sci-fi.
Um...

Oh...

Okay, but alcohol's
not really my trigger.

"Trigger." Now you're
speaking my language.

Let's get sauced.

Let's do some shots.

Come on.
Okay.

The news is great
on shots.

(laughs) All right.
Here we go.

All right, cheers.

Mmm. Mmm.

Whoo!

Ooh, it burns like
a spicy salsa party!
Yes, yes.

(laughs):
It feels so good.
Hey.

Hey!
Hi!

Oh. This looks like a fun time.

Uh-huh, yeah.
Hey, Rebecca, do you

have a second to come
talk to me in the kitchen?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

I'm just busy
getting a C-plus

in getting D-runk!

(laughs):
Yeah.
(laughs)

(sighs, laughs)

Oh, there you go.

You're doing very well.
She's doing very well.

Oh, thank you.
Very well.

(Rebecca and Bob
continue chattering)

*

(snorts)

I'm gonna whiz
and, uh, hit the hay.

Okay.

Good night, Bob.
That was fun.

Oh, is Paula back yet?

I wonder if she's in bed.

(phone chimes)

Oh.

(sighs)

(chuckles) Sequoia.

*

(chuckles)

(laughs)

JEFF:
You came!

(chuckles softly)

You're here.

Well, I wanted to see the Z/28.

And that is
the only reason I'm here.

(chuckles) Well...

I don't care why you're here.

I'm just happy to see you.

(chuckles)

You're throwing wrenches
at me now?

Hmm.

Oh. Ooh.

Ooh.

(chuckles)
Let's see.

(Josh humming)

Big boy's back in the game.

* Who's got it?

* Got it...

Oh, my God.

What is that?

No...

Not today.

I have a date.

Ow.

Ow! (shouts)

(coughs, snorts)

(moans)

(moaning)
(gasps)

Good morning.

(snorts)
Mm.

Did you sleep well?
Yeah. Hi.

Where were you last night?

I got up to pee
at some point,

and I went to check on you,

and you weren't in your bed.

I may have number one'd
in one of your drawers.

No, I did. I definitely did.

I'm sorry, I was drunk.

I went out.

I, uh...

saw an old friend
who was fixing up

an old Camaro downtown,

and I happen
to love those, so...

Oh, right, you love cars.

I always forget that
because it doesn't interest me.

(chuckles)
Well, I'm glad
you did that.

Good for you.
You deserve to have

a little late-night party fun.

You never do anything
for yourself.

Well, you know. Sometimes I do.

You really don't, though.

You're always too busy
being a good wife and mom

and friend and co-worker.

You're like
everyone's big spoon.

You're so reliable.

(clicks tongue)

You look so pretty.
Where you going?

Oh, um... I'm going
to see the friend.

Who's your friend?

My friend? Um...

He-- she...

She's a she.

Sheila Girlface.

"Sheila Girlface"?

Yeah, well, it's Girlfacce,

but, you know, they had
to change it at Ellis Island.

Assimilation is a rape.

Anyway, uh,
my friend invited me

to Saturday Mass this morning.

You want to come?

Uh... Oh, it sounds awesome.

Um...

but Bob and I
got to check his traps.

For raccoons, and people's
stupid small dogs.

Both make cool hats, apparently.

Wow, you two really get along.

I'm sorry. Is it annoying?

Should I stop? I can stop.

It's a little annoying,

but, listen, you're really
doing me a favor.

You're taking care of him,
and so I'm free

to do what
I want to do,

which is go to church.

Okay, bye.

Okay. Tell God I say...

well, he knows how I feel.

Thank God.

I was waiting for her to leave.

Was so wasted last night,
I went in one of her drawers.

So did I.

I thought that was you!

(both laughing)

Hey.

Hey!

This is a nice surprise.

I have baseball practice.

What are you doing here?

Well, Madison said to meet her.

She wanted to practice
her slider.

Ah.
(women chattering)

Ooh.

Oh, look.
She's like the sweetest...

Sliders are not really a thing
in softball, are they?

Uh...

Oh, look at that
little sleep sack.

Isn't that cute?

What a clever solution
for transitioning

out of the swaddle.

Wait a second.

Did you set this up?

Are you trying to force
the baby issue again?

What? No! Me? No.

I mean, I'm not even here
to meet you.

I'm here to meet Madis-- oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man.

No. This must have been Madison.

No, she does stuff like this.

Oh, she is
so clever.

What she did was she knew that
there was a baby shower today,

and she had both of us come here

so we could have
our little baby fight.

(laughs)
Why would she want that?

Well, because she wants
to break us up

because she wants a sibling.

Oh.

(laughing):
Oh. Wow.

Yeah, I mean, she's really
trying to push the issue

because, you know, you and I

have been at this impasse
so long.

Yeah. Yeah, we have.

Joshua.

The truth is...

...oh, this is so hard to do,
because I...

I love you a lot, but...

I'm not happy anymore
because of this.

Maybe having a baby
started out as a whim,

but it's what I want
for my life now.

And you don't want
a baby, maybe not ever.

I mean, you made that clear,
and, t-that's not gonna change.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I know.

I mean, I am always
gonna care about you.

I really am.

'Cause I love you.

I... I love you, too.

But...

(sighs)

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, wait. So this is...

Yeah, I guess it is.

God, this sucks.

I don't know what to do--
can we...

Can we still be friends, or...?

I don't know. I mean,
I would love that.

But that just sounds
so hard right now.

Did a nine-year-old just
trick us into doing something

we weren't brave enough
to do ourselves?

(laughs softly)

I think so.

Huh.

I don't understand
what you feel so bad about.

So you had a little phone action
with some guy.

Where's the harm in that?

I mean, I do it, too.

For $9.95 an hour,
you get a real French girl.

They're not French, Bob.

They're French enough.

Go ahead. Give it another try.

Are you sure? I don't want
to break more stuff.

BOB:
Oh, come on.

Live a little.

Have a vodka,
dingle yourself

while you're
texting a guy,

throw a dart out the window.

Go ahead.

(dart clattering)
Or behind you.
Throw it behind you.

How does that feel?

Feels good, right?

Yeah, you know what?

It does feel good
to be outside the bubble.

You're right.

I'm having the best time
right now.

You're like the dad I never had.

You didn't have a dad?

I do, but he sucks.

I'll get it.

*

(glass shatters)

* I just made a new buddy

* He and I bonded right away

* It was a piece of cake
with no emotional stakes *

* I got only good things
to say *

* About my friend's dad

* My friend's dad

* It's all the fun
of having a dad *

* Without the painful history

* She has spunk

* And he's a literal drunk

* But that don't bother me

* 'Cause he's not my dad

* He's my friend's dad

* It's the healthiest
relationship *

* I've had with a man

* That fact I must confess

* He doesn't push my buttons

* 'Cept the buttons
on this cute dress... *

Doot, doot, doot!
(laughs)

* It's nothing but platonic

* His bigotry's ironic...

I like you.

You barely complain
for a Jewish.

Oh, you.

* If we were related

* We'd probably fight a lot

* Wait, what about Jews?

* Here, have some more booze

* What was I saying? Oh, well

* I forgot, glug, glug

* My friend's dad

* My friend's dad

* And when she's not around

* I think about her naked...

Huh?
Nothing, kiddo.

* My friend's dad.

The V8 engine is man's
greatest artistic achievement.

Yeah, it's like the
Sistine Chapel of car stuff.

(laughs)

(music volume increases)

* Do you believe...

You want to dance?

Me?

Do you see any other
beautiful women in here?

Uh...

* In letting

* Me hold...

(laughing):
Oh.

* You tight...

What?

(gasps)

* Kissed you good night

* I want to know

* Please tell me so...

What are we doing?

We're just two old friends,
catching up.

* Do you believe...

Going back in time.

Like Outlander.

What?

(laughs)

Oh, God, you make me feel
like I am 17 again,

and all my worries

are just gone.

In my real life,
I'm always someone's mom,

someone's best friend,
someone's errand girl,

but... you make me feel...

...special.

(laughs)

And you make me feel
like a terrible dancer.

You got moves.

Wha-- oh, ooh!

(laughs)

* Whoa, whoa, whoa

* Ooh

* Yeah...

So...

Uh, I'll call you?

I guess.

Is that...
Yes, no. I...

I'll just see you around. Maybe?

Well, we've been saying good-bye
for about two hours.

(laughs):
So, guess we should...

probably go.

Yeah, you're right.

Who should go first?

Uh...

JOSH:
Here comes the big boy.

(dance music playing)

Hey, there.
Can I make you a Joshtini?

(laughing):
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Sit down, sit down.
Look at this.

Oh, no. Actually,
we're on our way out.

What? No. No, you can't leave.

What are you-- look at Josh.

You guys can't miss this.

He thinks he's
Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

It-it's amazing.
JOSH: Yeah.

Cannot be missed.

Okay. I'm staying.

Yes.
You're making
the right call.

Ah...

I'm starting to worry
about Paula.

She's not
answering her phone,

she's been at church
for, like, nine hours.

Church?

Nine hours on a Saturday?
Well, yeah.

I mean, she said
she ran into a friend

with, like, a cool Camaro
or something?

Um, oh, right, her name
is Sheila Girlfacce.

You probably know her
as Sheila Girlface.

So, that's a fake name.
I fell for that.

Camaro? I know what
this is about.

Come on, let's go.

* You told me...

Can I ask you something?

Anything.

Do you ever think about us?

Do you ever regret
our breakup?

* But there is one thing...

You want the truth?

I really do.

Yeah. I regret it.

Big-time.

* Before you...

(whispering):
Really?

Yeah. I never should've
let you go.

It was a big mistake.

* When you leave me, no...

Ooh! Well...

that was all I needed.

What?

Yeah.
(shotgun cocks)

Take one step closer to her

and I'll turn you
into a great soprano.

Paula, what's going on?
Who is that?
BOB:
This is Jeff,

the guy that broke
Paula's heart.

She drew pictures

of his johnson with hearts
around it for years after that.

Dad, why do you know that?

Because you left your diary
on that shelf in the bathroom.

Dad, would you put
the gun down?

I was leaving, anyway.

(sighs)

It was so good to see you again

and it was so good

to hear you say what you said.

Thank you.

All right, let's go.
Give me the keys.

I'm driving.
No, no, no, it's okay.
Bob can drive.

He drives really well
when he's drunk.

(sighs)

(chuckles softly)

Ah, yeah.

Damn.

* Like a curtain...

(scat singing)

* She's a beauty,
I'm the beast... *

(cheering, applause)
Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, he's really
going for it.

Oh.

Oh!
What is that thing on his face?

WHITE JOSH: I don't
know, but it's alive.
HECTOR: I can't look away.

I should, but I can't.

(scat singing)

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

Josh, um, your
face is infected.

You didn't, like, touch
some dirty glasses

and then try to pop a pimple
on your face, did you?

(laughing):
No, I'm not an idiot.

You're just afraid to compete.

HEATHER:
No.

I'm serious.

I think that's
a staph infection.

(scat singing)

JOSH:
* Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here we go.

* Light shining
through the window... *

Huh? You like that?

(laughs)

(grunts, hums)

-* Window -* Like light
through a window... *

For you, my lady.

Hey, Josh.

So, um, I'm a nurse

and that looks like
a staph infection.

JOSH:
Guys, I'm fine.

Check this out.

* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

* And we'll be on...

(gasps)
(all gasping, groaning)

(gags)

I'm gonna go.

Bye.

(gasps)

REBECCA:
So, you didn't kiss?

PAULA:
No, thank God.

Scott was right.

I have always treated him
like the consolation prize

and it's because
Jeff rejected me.

He was always
this ideal thing

that I couldn't have,
but I got to reject him,

so now he's no longer
on some kind of pedestal.

I can finally move on
from wondering

what could've been
with Jeff Channington

because this time
I got to make the choice.

Wow.

Paula, I just,
it blows my mind

that I didn't
know any of this.

You know that I want you to
tell me this stuff, right?

Babe... you are
trying to get better

after something really huge
and traumatic.

I do not want to burden you.

I want to take care of you.

No, no, no, that's what you've
always done, Paula, and...

(sighs)

I love that ever since we met

you have tried
to be like my mom,

but from now on,

how about we just be
best friends?

But you're the little spoon
and I'm the big spoon

and that's how it works.

I mean,
you said so yourself.

I shouldn't have said that.

That's not what we should be.

I mean, 'cause you know
what size spoons

fit together the best?

No.

Same-size spoons.

Aw.

Hey.

They do. That's perfect.

(laughing):
Yeah, I just thought of that.

I like that.
Same-size spoons.

Okay.

I like it.
(both laugh)

How you feeling,
flair champ of West Covina?

I have ten more days
of antibiotics.

You were right.

It was a staph infection.

Heather, I could've died.

I took people's germs
and smeared them into my face.

Mm-hmm.

Feel so stupid.

I was so wrong.

I'm not a big boy,
I'm a small boy.

Oh. Look, dumb stuff happens
to all of us, Josh.

Don't, like,
beat yourself up.

And also, you're a man.

Oh, that was the word.
(scoffs)

Mm-hmm.

(sighs)

Heather...

I'm spiraling.

I have no apartment,

no relationship,
no career goals.

I just feel like there's
no ground under me, you know?

Yeah. Well,
you'll figure it out.

I'm still figuring things out

and I'm, like, way smarter
and cooler than you are.

(scoffs) Are you?

Yeah. I am. You do magic.

Exactly.

Exactly.

PAULA:
All right.

We got to get to the airport.

So, um, thanks for trying
to shoot Jeff, Dad.

Meant a lot.
Yeah, well,

thanks for coming
and visiting me.

I mean, I know I'm just an old
pain who reads your diaries

and number-twos in your drawers.

What?
(laughing):
Bob, you're the worst.

(laughs)
Okay, let's go.

Hey, wait a minute,
Paula. Uh...

Rebecca tells me
that you're, uh,

first in your class
in law school.

Um...

I didn't know
you were smart like that.

Yeah, I am.

I'm really smart.

All right, you don't have
to hit me over the head with it.

But, uh,

it would be nice if you guys
came back and visited again.

Thanks, my friend's dad.

Oh.

Okay, I'll be in the car.

Okay. (chuckles)

(knocking on door)

Hi.

Hi.

How was your trip?

So, remember the day I chased
you around the conference room

and then jumped on you
like a flying squirrel move?

(laughs)
I do. Yes.

(laughs)
Okay, stand back.

Mmm.

*

Are you sure this is okay
with your therapy thing?

Just shut up.

What?

We shouldn't keep pie in here.

Hey, honey.

How's your dad?

Same.

Mm, want some?

Sure.

So, I want to talk to you
about something.

It's important.

If I could...

go through a magical
stone wall and pick any man

in any time period
in any universe...

I would pick Brad Pitt
in Thelma & Louise.

Strong choice. Me same.

And when he
turned me down...

(laughs)

...I'd pick you.

Really?

Yeah.

Every day of the week.

Right back at you.

REBECCA:
So, I went to Buffalo,

drank a ton of vodka,

sexted with a guy,

damaged a house with
darts and urine,

got in a car with
a drunk guy-- oops--

watched that guy threaten
another guy with a gun,

and I farted a ton on
the plane on the way back

because no one
could hear it,

and I just had a ton of
sex with my ex-boss.

So, how's that for getting
out of the therapy bubble?

Wow, that is not in
any workbook I know of.

You know, my whole life, I've
only known how to be, like,

really good or really bad.

But being a human...

...is living in that
kind of in-between space,

it's making mistakes, and
that's very scary, but...

also very cool.

Great work.

You, my friend, get an A-plus
on your C-plus.

Yes!

And I got this just for you.

Pick one.

Oh. (sniffs)

Oh, yeah.

It smells like grape.

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