All language subtitles for Crazy.Ex-Girlfriend.S03E01.Joshs.Ex-Girlfriend.Wants.Revenge.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.Rus.Eng_TeamHD_track6_[eng]

Previously
on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
(squeals)

The wedding is in two weeks!

I had sex with Tanya.

You don't live here anymore.

Please give me
another chance.

You need to earn back my trust.

I'm ready to do the work.

Oh, watching you and
Madison together,

I had a big breakthrough.

We should have a baby.

We should have sex.
What?

NATHANIEL:
I know. I'm shocked, too.

TRENT:
Rebecca Bunch's past, please.

Here you go.

You just called me Robert.

JOSH:
Being a priest is dope.

Did Jesus ever give you
any reason to, like,

have doubts?
No.

I have questions about Rebecca,

and I don't know
if they're real questions

or if I have the jitters.

So find Rebecca.

Ask her your questions.

And Eagle is gone.

Josh is leaving me

to become a priest?

PAULA:
Rebecca! Stop!

Josh Chan must be destroyed.

*

(sighs)

Anything?

Maya.

Don't yell at me.

I haven't asked
about her today yet.

Read the sign with me, Maya.

MAYA/PAULA:
"I don't know where Rebecca is.

"Stop asking me.

"After we agreed
to destroy Josh Chan,

"Rebecca excused herself to pee

"and I haven't heard
from her since.

"I do know she's alive

"because she liked
my Ice Bucket Challenge video

from three years ago."

I know, but, Paula,
that sign really skimps

on her interiority.

And we all have
so many questions.

It's been two weeks.

Was there
somebody else?

Is Josh
really becoming a priest?

Why didn't that bitch
invite me to the wedding?

Enough! I wish I had answers,
but I don't!

I don't know where she is!

Go!

Get...
Go!

(Paula groans)

*

* A scandal has rocked
our village of West Covina *

* West Covina

* A woman's life was ruined
and now no one's seen her *

* No one's seen her

* The town is all atwitter

* 'Cause the whole town
is on Twitter *

* Posing a question
that's never-ending *

* In the form of a hashtag
that's been trending *

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?

* Is she out to brunch? No?

* Then where's Rebecca Bunch?

* She's always been insecure

* But now she's been rejected
by Josh Chan *

* So where's Rebecca Bunch?

* But, also, where's a woman's
pride without her man? *

* Man, man, man

*

* There's gossip going on
from Riverside to Encino *

* Encino

* Of the Jewish chick who got
dumped by the ripped Filipino *

* Filipino

* Think of all the beautiful
china on her registry *

* Now it will never
be on her shelf *

* I wonder how she's feeling
since Josh sent her reeling *

* If I were her,
I'd kill meself *

You're fired again, George.

Aw, son of a...

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?

I have a hunch!

ALL:
Yeah?

No, I just liked the rhyme.

* We've been asking
the same question *

* Since this tale of woe began

#WheresRebeccaBunch?

ALL:
No!

* Where's a woman's pride

* Without her man?

* Man, man, man, man, man...

*

* Who am I now?

* What will I be?

* My reason for living

* Has abandoned me

* I can't stay here forever

* But I also can't bear

* Going back to my life

* Facing pity and stares

* I said Josh Chan
must be destroyed *

* Then I ran away

* Like some scared
little boy *

* I want revenge
for my broken heart *

* But I'm so devastated
I don't know where to start *

* My defenses are down

* After his sneak attack

* Do I let him win

* Or do I fight back?

* Fight back

* Fight back

* Fight back

*

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?
Where's Rebecca Bunch? *

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?

* I know what I have to do

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?
Where's Rebecca Bunch? *

* Is she out to brunch?

* I have to transform

* We're so frenetic

* From a victim

* She's pathetic

* To a woman scorned

* A woman scorned

* A scandal has rocked
our village *

* Of West Covina

* West Covina

* A woman's life was ruined

* And now no one's
seen her *

* No one's seen her

* Is she still paying rent?

* Does she have a plan?

* And where's a woman's pride,
a woman's pride *

* A woman's pride

* Without her man?

* Man, man, oh, man,
oh, man. *

SCOTT:
So, no word from Rebecca yet?

No. I-I think she needs
just a couple of days

to process everything.

Poor thing, she has
been through so much.

Love has not been
kind to her.

Yeah, not everyone can be
as lucky as we are.

We're getting
a second chance

after my horrible
mistake, thank God.

Yeah, we are.
And I have to thank you.

You've been just so great

about all these rules and...
Oh, by the way,

did you remember
to sign in last night?

Because I was so busy
I forgot to check.

Come on.
Of course I did.

I want to restore
our marital trust.

Ooh, who signed in early

every day this week?

Good job.

Thanks. I'm excited
about this rule here.

"Scott sleeps on the
couch until he passes

the lie-detector test
three times."

I've only got
one test left,

and back in the bed.

Yep.
Uh-huh.

Yep.

But, you know what?
First you have to pass it.

And the questions are,
like, no joke

on the last test--
just a heads-up.

I'm ready.

Okay, I am just...

I'm just checking.

You're-you're okay, you're fine
with all this, right?

Are you kidding? Yes.
Right.

Our plan gets rid
of all the guilt.

It spells it all out.
No confusion.

(sighs)

TIM:
I'm so confused.

Who called this meeting again?

I don't know, I just
got an anonymous

Google Calendar invite.

Okay, who is wasting my time
with a stupid meeting?

Hmm? And what was up
with the subject line--

"Insidious Business"?

Is this you, Darryl?
Hmm?

It makes so little sense,
it seems like a you thing.

Does it?
Mm-hmm.

I have a "me" thing?

What are some of my
other "me" things?

Asking a lot of questions,
is that a "me" thing?

Wait, so nobody knows
what this is?

Mm-mm.
Yeah, okay, I'm
out of here.

REBECCA:
Not so fast, mama.

(gasps)
What?

Wow.

I know, my hair is dark,
so I look evil,

but I'm wearing white,
which is ironic.

That's not why
we're surprised.

Okay, we haven't
seen you in two weeks,

and suddenly you're spinning
around in some big chair?

Okay, yes, that's
also surprising.

I'm so glad
you're all right.

Paula, Paula,
I'm trying to do a thing.

Oh, sorry, honey.

I'm watching.

Do you want to
turn around again?

No. Why would I...
Okay. Okay.

How long have you been here?

Oh, since 5:00 a.m.

I had to get here early
for the big reveal.

Brought my own chair,

hope you like it.

But I'm not tired.

I've been catnapping.

So...

...you've all been wondering
where I've been.

Oh, yes, I saw the
locally trending hashtag.

Well, the answer is

I've been going through
a metamorphosis of sorts.

I have emerged...

Ooh.
...from the cocoon

of female submission

as a scorned butterfly,
dagger in hand.

Okay, you know what?
Show's over.

Kids, let's get back
to work, hmm?

Miss Bunch, can I speak
with you, please?

Um, I'm actually
in the next meeting.

I have an alert...

When will you start acting
like you work for me? Hmm?

Go, go, go, let's go.

Okay, all right, okay.

Go, go!

(clears throat) I know that
you've had a tough time.

Hmm?
Um, but that doesn't mean

that you cannot answer calls

or texts or e-mails.

Or write a thank-you note
for a basket

of soothing bath salts
and artisanal pears

that I might have dropped off
at your door.

Oh, my God, Nathaniel.

Did you send me a bunch
of weird, girly crap?

You were worried about me.

Oh, boop!

That's adorable.
You're adorable.

I mean, it's kind
of sad and unsexy,

but you're adorable.

(clears throat)
You are, um...

...very different.

I am. Oh, I am.

I am invincible.

There's a flame
burning around me.

Uh-huh.

Now, I booked this room
for the next meeting,

so (snaps fingers)
get out of here.

Uh, for which case?

(sighs)

The most important case
of my life.

Now, seriously,
get out of here.

But, um, walk slowly.

I want to watch
those pants move.

(sighs)

(birds singing)

(sighs)

I've never gotten
a Google Cal invite before.

Where did you get
those clothes?

Off a scarecrow, so...

You look nice.

Thanks. I have a meeting

with a bride and groom
to plan their wedding.

They're from Calabasas.
I think they're loaded.

Cool. I can't wait to
hear how we're gonna

get back at Josh.

Rebecca said she had
the perfect plan.

You know, I was worried about
her, but she looks dynamite,

and she seems very focused.

Great. I love drama...

(throat clearing)

(gasping)
Mm.
Oh!

Look at you! Someone call
the fire department.

Get it, girl!

She fine!

What else can we say
that we don't usually say?

Oh.
Hello. Hello. Thank you
for meeting me here.

I'm sure you've been confused

about what's happening, so,
to recap:

After the wedding,
was I thrown for a loop? Yes.

Yes, of course I was.

Did I question the nature
of not only my own existence,

but existence itself?

Yes, of course.

So? So.

Mm.

I went on a retreat,

and I took some time to
blue sky, workshop, ideate and,

most importantly,

transform.

And I formulated a plan.

A plan to destroy Josh Chan.

The Chan Plan, as it were.

PAULA:
Ooh.
Hmm.

Wow.
Right? It's so cool.

Okay. So.
(clears throat)

First,
I asked myself,

what type of revenge,

or as the French say, révenge...

Actually, the French
don't say that,

the word for revenge
is vengeance,

but that sounds
like a cheese or something.

So anyway,
what type of révenge

are we seeking?
And the answer to that

is something tactile,
something visceral.

Something that says "I matter,
and you, Josh Chan, do not."

And I have just the thing.

Ooh, this sounds delicious.

Oh, can you not use "delicious"
in that way?

It creeps me out; it feels
like someone just licked me.

Just tell us your
idea, I'm so excited.

My réveng is deceptively simple
and devious.

It's a tactic that has been used
by victims of injustice

throughout human history.

Mm.

I'm speaking, of course,
of coprophagia.

It's poop. It's poop stuff.

Yeah.

What?

I'm gonna mail him my poop,

but tell him it's cupcakes.

DARRYL:
What is that smell?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, okay.
So, most protein bars

are just candy-coated sugar.

But these bars are different.

These bars contain

the purest,
the most powerful form

of protein on Earth.

Ant protein.
Is that true?

I have no idea. But I do know

that ants are strong as hell.

Anyway, okay.

Give it a try.
I want your notes,

I want your honest opinion.
Give it to me.

Mm.

No, I like it.
Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, I'm definitely
getting the ants.
Okay.

But I'm also getting caraway.
Uh-huh.

And date.
Yes.

Oh. Holy hell,
here comes the cinnamon.

Mm.
It's good?

Oh, yeah.
You like it?

Oh, it's amazing.
(laughs)

All right. I don't have
a name yet, but I, uh...

I think after two years,
I've finally nailed the recipe.

It's amazing.
I am so proud of you, baby.

You are taking this idea
from conception to birth

through childhood,

to a really moving
high school graduation,

where it makes a speech
about its two cool dads.

Are you kidding me?
What?

Darryl, there is nothing
I can say

that you can't turn
into a parenting metaphor.

I'm sorry, I can't help it.

It just pops out of me
headfirst.

Oh, my God.
Sorry.

I can't talk about this anymore.

We have talked birth to death.

Look, you're right.

You're right, you're right,
you're right, you're right.

Okay?

Maybe we need help.

Maybe we need
to see a therapist.

Or, you could, um, just stop it?

If you don't think
that therapists are "cool,"

maybe we could do something
a little more current.

You know? Maybe we could go see
a life coach or a psychic.

Or an essential oil specialist.
(inhales)

Okay, none of those are things.

Tell that to
my Reiki practitioner,

who figured out
that I have a ghost in my foot.

Okay, Darryl, right now,

my life is about getting people
to eat these dead ants.

Once that happens,
then maybe

we can start talking
about other stuff.

Don't you ladies get it?
So I'm gonna write

on the package,

"Delicious cupcakes inside,

do not smell before eating."

He will be forced
to unwittingly eat...

Okay, you have to,
you have to stop.

You said you had,
like, a whole plan.

Is the poop thing step one?

Like, he accidentally

eats the poop
and then takes a step back

and falls down
a flight of stairs,

and there's a dead body there,
and he thinks he killed it,

and we plant the evidence.

That's good. That's very good.

Yes.
Thank you.

No. You've got-- wow, wow, you
guys are way overthinking this.

Okay, so...

(laughs)

The root of this idea

is I have figurative crap
on my face, and he's crap.

So he deserves to eat it.

You mean, like, metaphorically.

Oh.
Yeah.

No! No. No--

no, like, literally.

It's like,
"Eat my cupcakes, Josh Chan,

like the piece of crap you are."

Y-Yes, right?

Yes-- do you get--

do you get it now?
Do you get it?

You know I love that idea.

I love it.

But maybe we just, I don't know,

toss around some other ideas.

There's got to be
something else

in that...

very big brain of yours.

Oh, wow, I wasn't
prepared with...

I mean, I have other ideas--
that one's my favorite-- but...

I mean, I don't know
if I want to share

any more ideas with you guys.

Like, this doesn't feel
like a safe space anymore.

It just feels like, you know,

you haven't even
heard my first idea.

Oh, no, we heard it.

But we just didn't like it.

See? See? You see?

You're just against
anything that I...

I-I pitch right now.

Ooh, okay, okay. No, no, no.

No. That's... listen,

just tell us your idea,

and we, we will love it.

Right?

We promise.

(exhales)

Okay.

Okay, okay.

So this next idea

is actually better
than the first, so:

it's sexy, it's dangerous,
it's clickbait.

Ooh.

Hello, is this
Casting Call Magazine?

Yes, I'd like to place an ad.

I'm a producer/writer/director.

And I'm looking to cast someone

who looks exactly
like my ex-fiancé.

(laughs) No, it's not
for a TV or film,

it's for something better.

Confidentially,

I'm going to be
making a fake sex tape

in which my ex-fiancé appears
to be say he hates Jesus,

ruining his reputation

and making everyone hate him
because he left me at the altar

to become a priest.

Great idea, right?

Le révenge!

What does he look like?

Yes, he is Filipino,
about five-eight,

but I will take
any Asian you have.

So you guys are
making a porno?

No, no. It is a fake sex tape.

Okay? She's getting a fake Josh,
they're gonna have fake sex,

and then, he's gonna
fakely say that he hates Jesus.

Wow. Horrible idea.

But-- how would that even work?

Uh, it wouldn't, because it is
the worst idea of all time.

Her other ideas,
though,

they were even worse,
if you could believe it.

They were literally crap.

(sighs)
She's not thinking straight.

So we all decided,

let's humor her,

let her get it
out of her system,

metabolize these emotions
while yelling at a fake Josh.

While she's doing fake Josh?

No!
Oh.

No. It will never get that far.

Once she realizes how ridiculous
the whole thing is,

she will not go through with it.

This will stop
well short of any sex,

real or fake.

Speaking of sex, let's, uh,
strap this thing on, eh?

I can't wait

to pass this test.

(laughs) Then we're back
to being a real married couple,

sleeping in the same bed.

Not so fast, buster.

The third round
is the most intense.

I call it "The Ring of Fire."

All right.

(whirring)

(exhales)

Let's begin.

Have you seen Tanya
since the incident?

Yes, at work.

Do you talk to Tanya?

Occasionally,
if the work requires, I...

Yes or no?
The-the answer's yes,

I have to sometimes.

When you
talk to her,

do you flirt?

Do you touch her arm?

Does she giggle?

Does she wear that back support
brace that pushes up her boobs?

Does she shake
her tail feather for you?

I-- I-I...
Answer the questions, buster.

The answers are no, no,

sometimes, but I'm very funny.
(laughs)

Uh, um, yes, but only
because of her scoliosis,

and... what's a tail feather?

(sighs)

Do you find Tanya attractive?

Um...

Yes? I guess I do?

I-I did the thing with her.

More attractive than me?
No.

Do you love Tanya?
No.

Are you lying?
You tell me.

Well, it looks like...

you passed.

Oh, my God.

Great.

Uh...
(chuckles)

Can I move my eye mask and
pajama boxers back into the bed?

That is what the contract says,
so I guess so.

(laughs)

And maybe tonight we, uh...

Oh, my God, look at the time.

I have auditions for the porno.

Uh, the-the sex tape.

The fake sex tape,

that I... is never gonna happen.

(laughing):
Okay.
Uh...

Bye!
(door closes)

REBECCA:
Next.

ACTOR:
I hate Jesus!

No, no, no,
you're doing it wrong.

Okay.

(exhales)
So the point of this scene,

the reason I wrote
this sex tape,

is because mid-coitus is when
one's true feelings come out.

Okay? So we have to believe that
Josh Chan truly hates Jesus,

and that pure, utter hatred,

it explodes out of him with
a sexual and euphoric passion.

All right, no. Next!

The waters are not
for the actors!

And don't forget to sign the
non-disclosure agreement, okay?

Can't have that guy
blogging about this.

Come on, Rebecca.

I mean, maybe if you didn't,
like, yell at all of them.

Uh, oh, I'm sorry, Heather.

I'm the one who has to be in bed
with these guys.

Yeah, and why does it
have to be you?

You don't have any lines.

Verisimilitude.

It has to be me
to sell the concept.

All right, who's this guy?
Well, this guy did...

(British accent):
Hello, I'm Colin Crowley.

Wonderful to meet you.
I'm here for the read.

Really excited
about the material.

Yeah.

Wow. He looks just like Josh.

That could be his brother.

It's uncanny.

Okay, um, one second.

(quietly): I know what
you ladies are thinking,

but I really would love to give
this role to an American.

Ooh, um, my American is spot-on.

Okay.
(exhales)

(under breath): One, two, three,
four, five, six.

All right, okay, um...

(varying American accents):
You want, eh, Chicago?

New York? Um, Louisiana?

Um, Texas?

(normal British accent):
Or do you want, um...

(Californian accent):
Southern California, dude?

(gasps)
(laughing): Wow.

We have an Olivier here.

Oh, I booked it, mate. Sorry.

Cheers, though.

Okay, we are done
with the auditions.

We found our man.

Feel free to give up
on your dreams

and move back to your hometowns.

Okay.

Nathaniel, what are you...?

What's going on here?

Dude, okay, so,

when are we stopping
this charade?

It's getting so weird.

I didn't think we were gonna

find someone who's,
like, a shave

and a nose job away
from being Josh.

It's starting
to freak me out.

Yeah, I knew we were gonna wait
for her to come to her senses,

but can we slap some
sense into her already?

We need to put
a stop to this.

No, I know it feels like we're
riding the edge of a razor,

but I'm telling you,
as a parent,

the more you forbid it,
the more they want it,

so we just got
to ride it out.
Yeah.

(groans)

(exhaling): God.

What are all these
guys doing here?

I don't know. You have to sign
an NDA before I tell you that.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just, uh,
was just running by,

and, um, phone died, so, you
know, thought maybe I could,

uh, come in and juice it up.

Ugh, "running by"?
But you live across town.

Wait.

Wow.

The old my-phone-
ran-out-of-juice, really?

Listen, buddy...
(chuckles)

...you're talking
to the queen of,

"I just happened to be here."

Okay, I get what's happening.

Listen, I know we kissed,
and you helped me with my dad

and you are
clearly developing

some kind of sparkly,
little-girl,

heart, twinkly
feelings for me...

(chuckles)
...but then I came back

as this espresso-haired vixen

and you feel low status,

which I get.
I get it, okay?

Status reversals, ugh,
they are confusing,

and arousing and it's probably
never happened to you before,

so now you are
understandably obsessed with me.

No, that's not it at all.

Okay? Not at all.

No? Really?

No.

You're not mesmerized by
my sudden lack of interest

and my cold, unavailable vibe?

No.

Yeah? Huh, interesting,

'cause your thin shorts
say otherwise.

Oh, listen.

Listen, buddy.
(groans)

I would be happy to take you
for a tumble sometime...

(clears throat)
...but right now,

so just move along.
Yeah.

(exhales)

Dude.

Auditions are over.

You can take the banana
out of your pants.

Wheel of Fortune |
was good tonight.

Yeah. All the big hitters
were there tonight.

Ooh. "R."

"S."
Yeah.

"T."
Mm-hmm.

"E."
Yeah.

I'd like to buy a kiss.

(both chuckle)

Okay.

Babe, I've really
missed you.

I missed you, too.

Scott.

Paula.

Mm.

No, don't call me Paula.

Call me Tanya.

What?
No, just do it.

Call me Tanya.

I have no idea
what that was

and I never want
to discuss it.

Honk, honk!
Honk, honk!

(chuckles) I don't know
what sound anteaters make,

but here, have a protein bar.

Thanks.

You, sir.

Here, big fella.

They're, uh, 52 grams

of pure insect power!

Aah, wow.

Huh? Huh?
(chuckles)

This is what you meant when
you texted "surprise time"?

Yes. Okay, okay.

Here goes.

You needed a name
for your bars,

so I went to
the trademark office

and these are the ones
that were taken.

"Ant Time,

"Ant Protein Time, Supergood
Insect Protein Time,

Supergood Ant Time."
Okay.

But then I realized, if you
eat ants, that makes you an...

...an anteater. Huh?
Anteater, yeah.

So, I went with that and then

I talked to Manuel who does
graphics for us and...

voilà.

You took my bars
out of your fridge?

You left them there
for a reason.

That's what
my dream interpreter said.

Oh, my God.
And by the way,

I got a totally new guy,
'cause Reiki is baloney.

So, yes, I took them,
and I did all this,

and people love them

and now your career
is on its way,

so you can move on
to tinier, cuter things.

Ah, there it is.

The baby thing again. God.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry.

I mean, I know, I said
I was gonna try harder

and I messed up.

Honk, honk.

What can I do?

Don't do that.
Don't do anything.

Honk?

Maybe we do need
a therapist.

I'll get one, a real one.

None of this Reiki nonsense.

PAULA: I was scared to death
to have sex with him

and then that happened.

Let me get this straight.

You told Scott to call you Tanya
in bed?

Yeah, it's horrifying.

But the sex was amazing.

How can that be?
I hate Tanya.

Well, sounds like the only way
you can feel sexy right now

is to imitate the female
he chose instead of you.

Like, you feel insecure,

so you want to be
the transgressive "harlot"

he temporarily desired over you.

Wow. What class
did you learn that in?

Oh, that's just me.

I'm thinking about becoming
a life coach

or maybe a mime.

I just put body makeup
on a man's butt crack.

Yeah. He's very sweaty.
It took forever.

He smells like pencil shavings
and vinegar.

Are we really going through
with this? This feels too far.

Hold, sister, hold.
Stay the course.

Rebecca is gonna realize
it's the wrong path.

It's just,
it can't come from us.

Excuse me, is there a
P.A. to fetch me a bagel?

I'm a bit peckish, eh?

Oh, come on.
Rebecca's gonna come out,

take one look at that dude
in a towel and freak out.

REBECCA:
All right.

I'm ready.
Let's do this.

Okay, so, I tried all the stuff
you gave me, Valencia,

and it just, it didn't work.

You know, I tried the
pasties and the bandeau,

the nude bodysuit, the
green-screen underwear,

but I just, I can't feel
inhibited right now.

Okay? If I'm gonna have
fake sex with fake Josh,

it has to feel real.

Wait.

W-W-Wait, okay.

Okay, hear me out.

If authenticity is
what we're going for,

I mean, shouldn't we
just do it for real?

Yeah, let's just
do it for real.

Um, okay.

Someone get me a condom.
They are in my dresser.

Actually, we may not
need to use condoms.

Paula, look up the statutes

for porn in the state of
California for condom use.

You know what? Let's do one with
a condom, one without a condom,

that way we've covered
our bases.

Okay, we're done. We're done.

That's a wrap
on the fake sex tape.

What?!

Uh, Rebecca,
put some clothes on.

Sir...
Ow, my vagina.

Sir, I'm gonna call it
for today.

Um, my best to Princess Kate,
the new people's princess.

Rebecca.

This is not a good plan!

Even if you hurt Josh,

you're gonna hurt yourself more.

You'll be exposing
yourself publically.

You'll be humiliated.

Why would you put yourself
out like that?

Because I don't care
what happens to me.

I don't.

I mean, God, okay,

I guess I don't want to get,
like, "in trouble,"

but also I don't care.

I don't care.

And I don't...

(takes deep breath)

I guess I thought that
if I could be near a Josh,

just even a fake one,

that-that-that-that things
would become clear, you know?

Because I haven't seen

the real Josh since
before he left me at the altar.

I haven't seen him
or talked to him

and I just thought
that if I made the sex tape,

and maybe he
could see the tape,

and he would know
and this was what?

This was a horrible idea.

Honey.
(cries)

Honey.

You know that we are all here
to help you take down Josh,

but we are not gonna help you

take down yourself
at the same time.

COLIN: (clears throat)
Sorry to interrupt,

but I never did get
my bagel. Also, um,

if you're interested,
I had a couple of line tweaks

to make Josh
a more sympathetic character.

Oh, hell no.
(laughs)
This guy.

Get out.
Do you know Josh?

Bye.
I don't think
you know Josh.

You need new headshots.
Get your check in the mail.

(groans)

Uh, thank you for seeing us on
such short notice, Dr. Akopian.

Yeah, we've heard
wonderful things.

Oh, thank you.

You might be thinking
of my wife.

Her Yelp reviews
are off the charts.

Please call me Davit.

Uh, what can I help you with?

Well, he's annoyed because
I wore an anteater costume,

but for a very good reason.

I just wanted to
help your business.

That is not why you did it.

You did it because you're
trying to pressure me

into having a baby,
even though I don't know

if I ever want to do that.

So now you hate babies.
Oh, my God.

Can we back up?
I heard "anteater"?

That can't be right.

Exactly. That's
exactly my point.

He takes everything
to the extreme.

I didn't say I hate babies.

You're too emotional, Darryl.

You get so excited about a baby

or about my ant-based
protein bars,

and you go from, like,
zero to a thousand.

That is not fair.

It is fair, dude.

You found out that
a distant relative

was Native American,
and you had your last name

changed to "Whitefeather"
the next day.

And now we have to get to the
airport, like, three hours early

because none of your IDs
match-- it's ridiculous.

First of all,
those are my people.

And second of all,
that's just who I am,

enthusiastic, and you
chose me knowing that.

I thought you liked it.

I do like it, but also,

sometimes it drives me nuts.

So you just think
I'm an idiot.

No, I...
You're doing it again.

Well, maybe
I am an idiot.

But you know what?
This idiot, in two days,

has done more
with your idea

than you've done
in two years.
Okay...

This idiot co-owns
a very successful law firm.

Okay, successful law firm,
and is a magnificent father.

Now, look, I know that I got way
out ahead of you with the baby,

and I'm sorry,
and I'll stop it.

But I'm a catch.
Start acting like it.

You know what?

You're right.

I'm sorry. Maybe I have been...

a little judgy

of you.

Huh. My friends
all say I'm judgy,

but I never listen to them
or care what they say

because they're stupid idiots.

I'm sorry, D.

Men are the worst,
aren't they?

Awful.
So entitled.

Josh Chan, fake
Josh Chan, all of them.

They always make everything
about them.

PAULA: That's exactly
what I'm saying.

The reason we're in
this situation

is because men are
so terrible.

Don't get mestarted on men.

Don't get me started |
on men.

Don't get me
started on men.

(all sigh)

*

They're horrible.
Oh, my God.

Drink a lot more. Yeah.

*

* Right now we're angry
and sad *

* It's our right
to get righteously mad *

* At every member
of the opposite sex *

* Oh, God, we hate them

That's what I'm saying.
Yes.

All I'm saying...

* Let's not distinguish
between them at all *

* Let's just drink a lot
more alcohol *

* And then high five
each other *

* As we make a bunch
of blanket statements *

* Let's generalize
about men *

* Let's generalize about men

* Let's take one bad thing
about one man *

* And apply it
to all of them *

* Let's conflate
all the guys *

* Let's generalize
about men *

ALL:
Chug, chug, chug, chug...

* All men are
completely repressed *

* Uh-huh *

* All men only want
to have sex *

* There are no exceptions

* All three billion men
are like this *

* All 3.6 billion men *

* All men are
emotionally stunted *

* When asked how they feel

* Every man's always grunted

And why do men never listen
and only think about themselves?

* As opposed to women,
who always listen *

* And never think
about themselves *

* Ooh, I hear ya, girl

* Let's generalize
about men *

* Let's generalize about men

* Let's get super lit
and not admit *

* This is some kind
of primal ritual *

* We need now and then

* Maybe our spirits will rise

* If we generalize
about men *

* All men are stupid
and childish *

* Even the ones
who are smart and mature *

* All every man does
every day *

* Is watch porn, eat wings

* Burp, fart, and snore

Hey, what about gay men?

Oh, no, they're fine.

* Gay men are all
really great *

* Every single one

* They're never mean,
just sassy *

* They're all completely

* Adorable and fun

* So let's focus for now
on straight men *

* Let's just
generalize about them *

* They're all monsters

* They're murderers
* They're rapists

* Totally

Wait, I have sons.

* Your sons are
gonna be rapists. *

(music ends)

Oh...

I don't know, it's like
the rational part of my brain

isn't working lately.

You guys are right.

My ideas have been awful.
And it's weird because,

you know, I'm usually
so brilliant.

Yeah, yeah,
and that is one of the things

that I am really mad
at Josh about.

He turned the smartest
person I know into

a sad, wannabe porn star.

Brutal, but true.

Huh, trutal.

(laughter)

That's good.
These are really good.

Yeah, Josh...
Josh is the worst

You know, I can't even book
another wedding because of him.

His jilting you

has completely ruined
my business.

I swear, I should totally
sue his ass or something.

(laughter)

Sue him, that's funny.

Wait, no, no, no.

(gasps)
Sue him.

That's actually a really
interesting idea.

There is tons of case law
that justifies

suing him on behalf
of Rebecca

on, like...
on, like, several fronts.

Breach of contract,
alienation of affection.

Financial damages.

Whoa, that's such
a smart idea, Paula.

Thank you.

Actually, it was my idea.

Oh, my God, it's perfect!
It's perfect.

You get to humiliate
Josh publicly,

you get to maintain
your dignity,

and you become a hero
in the process.

Oh, my God, Cookie,
the answer was

right under our noses.

Yeah, God, that's...
that's a great idea.

I mean, that's hard to argue

why that isn't
the perfect idea.

Well... yeah!

Like, the perfect...

Oh, feeling my mojo
coming back.
(laughter)

Yeah, it is.
Oh, I can feel it.

That idea is brilliant.

It's b... it's brilliant.
I'm brilliant.

It's so...
You're so smart.

It was my idea.
Can't anyone hear me?

Why didn't we think
of that before?

You're amazing.

One up top.

Am I dead?

(gasps)

How did I die?

(bedroom door opens)

(whispering):
Hey.

Hey, hey, wake up.

Wake up, it's me.

(chuckles)

I am so horny.

Oh, okay.
(chuckles)

Uh, uh, babe?

I don't want to call
you Tanya this time.

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

That was...
that was horrible.

That was so bad.

Because I don't
want Tanya.

Oh, that's good, though,
'cause I killed her.

(groans)

(laughing):
Kidding. I'm kidding.

(laughs)
No, I'm not.

Yes, I am.
Listen.

Shh, babe, babe,

I just came up with
the best idea ever.

I am so cool.
(laughs)

So, come on, baby...

call me Paula.

Hey.

Wha...

Sorry. Um, I will...
think about the baby thing.

What? Oh...

Okay, just wanted to say that.

So, I'm gonna go.
By the way,

this thing is amazing.

You were right all along.
I should have never doubted you.

I've already gotten,
like, 500 pre-orders, so.

I have some ants to kill.

Honk, honk.
(chuckles)

(exhales)

Okay, what we have
to show the jury, though,

is proximate cause, to wit,

how long in advance did Josh
plan to ruin your wedding?

Okay, are we talking
specific intent or negligence?

Speaking of negligence,
I've been meaning to ask you,

who's Robert?
Sorry, who?

Is that relevant
to the case?

You said his name out loud
on the cliff,

with all those other
abandoning turds.

And, you know, you seemed
really upset about it, and...

Right, right, so,
Robert was my dog.

And it was a dog I loved,
and he was a male dog.

And he ran away and just
left me one day.

They're all monsters.

Mm-hmm.
Hi, are you Rebecca?

Yeah...

I'm Nathaniel's date.
He wanted you to see me,

so, this is what I look like.

That... that is not
what I said, okay?

I was very specific
about what I wanted

with Casting Call |
magazine.

Can I have a bottle of water?
Oh, my God.

NATHANIEL:
Get out.

WOMAN:
So stupid...
Come on, come on.

That's...

Okay, I don't know
what that was...

I do, but it's...
Honestly, it's so heartbreaking

I can't... I can't even...

Anyway, this is so fun.

You and me,
plus the law--

we are unstoppable.

And this révenge,

this will actually make you
feel better, I know it.

Oh, my God, totally.
Like, what could be more

emotionally satisfying
than parsing the fine points

of tortious interference?

(laughing):
Right?

And this is gonna
make you feel so much better

than pooping
in a plastic container.

Totally.
I'm so glad

you got that out
of your system.

I mean,
it was just,

it was so silly and not smart.

I know, it was just me being,
like, kind of a sad,

desperate child acting out.

So, this is way better.

*

(laughing)

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