All language subtitles for Crazy.Ex-Girlfriend.S02E05.Why.Is.Joshs.Ex-Girlfriend.Eating.Carbs!.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.Rus.Eng_TeamHD_track5_[eng]

Previously on
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
Valencia.

So, you don't like
my boyfriend?
No. Oh, my God.

Oh, no.
No, I have,
like, told you.

I just want to be his friend,

just like I keep trying
to be your friend.

I thought Rebecca Bunch
was our problem,

but it's you.

We're over for good.

DARRYL: I don't want to say

I don't like anyone
as much as you, but...

I think I just said it.

That's really sweet.

Oh, my God.

It's Valencia.

Hi, Valencia.

Look, I know something's
been up with you lately

and I want to
know what it is.

Really. I mean it this time.

PAULA:
You know, I had a thing.

I figured it out.

It's... I'm just so happy
to see you.

Okay, I need some air.
Some...

air.
Hey, hey, Josh, wait.

No, No, Rebecca,
I need more than air.

I can't do this.
This is just a fight.

This is a fight.
All couples fight.
No.

I don't want to see you anymore.

Josh.

Hey, no, Josh!

REBECCA:
Isn't that fascinating?

What are you talking about?

No, i-it's not weird.

It's all in this book.

I've been devouring it.

Okay, so, this book says
that in many species, including

primordial man,
females used grooming

and other bonding techniques
to lower their cortisol levels.

And these bonding
techniques

strengthen the
entire species.

So, that's what Valencia and I
need to do, I think.

I think we need to heal and bond
and we need to do it together.

Valencia doesn't want
to bond with you.

When she saw you here
the other day,

she just grabbed her now donut
and her later donut

and stomped out.

She hates you.

Uh, no, no, she doesn't.

She thinks she does
because we're enmeshed

in the same toxic male.

Josh Chan.
Oh, my God.

So, I need to find a way
for Valencia and me to connect

at like-like...
on a really primal level.

You just want someone who will
yammer about Josh with you

all day long because with me,
every time you mention Josh,

I make you give me five dollars.

By the way, you owe me $300.

Look... you're wrong.

I'm gonna find some way
for Valencia and I

to transcend Josh together.

Damn it.
I said it again.

Okay, just take a bunch

of money and deduct it
from my Josh fund.

Damn it, I said Josh's name.

I don't know why
I agreed to this.

I must be crazy.

* I'm just a girl in love

* La-la-la, lovey-dove *

* I can't be held responsible
for my actions *

* She's an ingenue *

* I have no underlying issues
to address *

* I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed *

* They say love
makes you crazy *

* Therefore,
you can't call her crazy *

* 'Cause when you
call her crazy *

* You're just calling her
in love. *

Blam!

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

And TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

PAULA: You know, most women
don't want to bond

with a fellow ex, so...

Yeah, but if Valencia
and I hate each other,

then that means Josh wins.
Wins what?

Have you ever read
Roxane Gay?
Oh, my God.

Have you read Roxane Gay's
Op-Eds in The New York Times?

You have to check them out.
Can we talk about this later?

Because class is about to start
and I just...

you know, p...

Got it, okay.
Okay.

For your first day,
I packed you some lunch.

Oh.

And here's an
extra juice box

in case you
get thirsty.

Aw.
Mwah.

Okay, stop, stop.

All the other kids
are looking at me.
Okay.

Oh, and hey, on our way home,

I'm gonna read you some more
of that Blood and Lice book.

Please don't.
Also...

my throat hurts.

Are you gonna drink
that extra juice box?
Take it.

Thanks!

Bye.

(exhales)

Kids.
(chuckles)

So selfish.
Am I right?

Oh, um... my daughters
are also very self-involved.

They're only three.

They want to talk
about Pegasuses, like, all day.

Oh, no, that's-that's
not my daughter.

That's my best friend.

Sorry. Wait, really?

I... she just had
that me-me-me-me vibe.

No. No, no, no,
she's terrific.

I mean, she's... been
a little distracted lately,

but she wrote me the most
amazing recommendation

for law school.

Hey.

I mean, I couldn't use it,
because she...

gave it to me too late...

Oh.
but... no.

You're right.

Uh... our friendship is

a little bit more
about her than me...

and, I mean, I get it, I'm Barb,
she's Nancy, and I just...
Oh.

you know, I tell myself that
she's fragile, but you know,

I just had an abortion, damn it.

(loudly): It would've been nice
to talk to my best friend

(quietly):
about it.

I am so sorry.

I should not have
blurted that out.

My wife killed herself
nine months ago.

Oh, wow, you win.

I'll always take a win.

(chuckles)

(laughs nervously)

L-Look, I-I know
how hard it is

to be honest
with people you love.

I still haven't told
my daughters the truth.

I told them she went

to a mom farm upstate

where moms run around all day.
(snorts)

(laughs)

Hi, I'm Paula.

Hey, I'm Sunil.

REBECCA:
So, you understand,

by ingesting each other's lice,

we will also ingest each other's
pain and sorrow.

Ew. The only person
I knew with lice

was Susie Reynolds
in third grade

and she got her clothes
from a Dumpster.

It's all in this book.
Here, just read the book.

Just check out the book, okay?

Oh, wow.

Look at this place, it's...
kind of a mess.

But... Valencia!

Are these muffins?

Are you eating carbs?

I am so proud
of you, girl.
I know.

I'm super fat.

Thanks for reminding me.

What? No, you're not fat.

You're like most people's
wedding goal weight.

Rebecca, I don't want
to talk to you, okay?

Get out of my apartment.

Valencia, I know
why you're mad and...

I'm not mad.

I always knew you were trying
to steal Josh from me,

just like Susie Reynolds
always tried to steal

my half-eaten Lunchables
out of the trash.

Is Susie Reynolds okay?

She's fine.

She's a state senator now.

Point is,

I dumped Josh.
You were his failed rebound.

That's all.

Now go.

No. No, no.

Valencia, I insist
on connecting with you.

(groans loudly)
Listen...

I just lost Greg forever.

Like... he-he
disappeared,

and also I got rejected by Josh.

Both of us got rejected by Josh.

Us?

I made a choice to end
that relationship.

We're not in the same boat.

Now, please, I want to be
left alone and I'm fine.

No, no, you're not.

You're not fine,
you're sad like me.

I mean, look at you.

Look, I-I eat muffins
three times a day.

It's NBD for me, but for you
it's a big ol' cry for help.

Okay, good-bye.

But I'm-I'm here to
answer that call.

Valencia, come on.

I promise I won't
talk about Josh.

Oh.

Hmm.

Whoa.

What happened here?

I came in early to organize.

Look at what I did

with the remote
control boxes.

Isn't it great?

I am gonna untangle
those bad boys next.

Bro, your shift doesn't start
for another six hours.

What are you doing here?

Mm-mm, just sorting things
clears my head.

You know, as a kid,
I used to spend hours

sorting LEGOs by color, shape
and number of bumpy things.

I miss simpler times.

Dude, why are you
bumming so hard?

I don't know.

It's been a weird few weeks.

Um, my best friend moved away;

White Josh has
a serious boyfriend;

Hector and his mom started
a dating advice podcast,

I broke up with two girls
in two months...

Ah, that's what it is.

The girls.

You're a girlfriend guy,
I can tell.

(scoffs)
Yeah.

A serial monogamist.

I was just like you.

I get it.

It's hard being alone.

What?

I'm fine with being alone.

Look, listen.

I love solitaire; I love Solo
cups, I love playing Uno...

That game's for two people.

What?

You can do it, Josh.

You can be alone.

You'll get used to it

and then you'll be fine.

I'm fine now.

Being alone is fine with me.

(sighs)

(under breath):
Yeah, I...

(whistling)

* Well, I don't mind
being alone *

* No, no

* I'm not afraid of what
enters my mind *

* When I'm solo

* I'm fully capable of taking
advantage of this time *

* No, I don't mind

* Being alone with my thoughts

* Oh, oh, I'm totally fine

* Alone with my thoughts

* Check it

* Life is so sweet
when you take it light *

* Nothing can go wrong
when the sun is bright *

* That reminds me that I barely
passed lifeguard school *

* That's why that kid
almost died in that pool *

* That's a bad thought

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* I don't like that thought

* No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Chill out.

* The breeze in my hair

* Everything is free

* Nothing wrong with you,
nothing wrong with me *

* What happens if
I get sent to hell? *

* Will it be like that time
I tore my ACL? *

* That's another bad thought

* Oh, no, no, no, no, no

* Thought bubbles in my mind

* Poppin' thought bubbles
from time to time *

* I used to like guacamole,
now I don't like guacamole *

* What if I stop liking
other things I like? *

* Like, what if I stop
liking my mom? *

* If it worked on guacamole,
it could work on my mom *

* And now these thoughts
are tapping me on the shoulder *

* I'm like, "One second, bro,
I'll be right over" *

* And now the thought and I
are fighting in a bar *

* And I can't beat the thought
'cause he's super swoll *

* 'Cause the thought hits
the gym more than I do *

* If I can't even hit the gym

* How will I ever be
a good father? *

* Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa *

* Gotta dial back
these dark thoughts *

* Dark like Edgar Allan Poe,
Poe, Poe, Poe, Poe, Poe *

* Oh, these thoughts

* Complex like videos
by OK Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go *

* I just wanna chill
on the lawn *

* Like the Obama's dog
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo *

* 'Cause I can't be alone

* With my thoughts.

Wow, a shirt
with sleeves--

you meeting the president?
Ah,

that's a good bit.

What number muffin
is that for today?

I feel like every
time I'm in here,

you're piling another
one down the hatch.

Yeah, well,
you're in here a lot,

'cause, we get it,
you and Darryl are in love.

Oh, uh,

we don't say that to each other.

I haven't met his daughter yet,
so...

An insecurity.

Me likey.

You know what's good
for when you feel insecure?

Muffins, that's... yeah.
Yeah.

Hmm?
No, thank you.

Hey, babe.
Oh.

Are you ready for this?
Uh, okay.

Close your eyes.
Okay.

Open.

Ah...
(yelling)

They're awesome, right?

They are, yes.

They're like athletic pants.

Okay, that's something.

We are totally gonna fit in
on the Mesa.

What's the Mesa?

Well, The Electric Mesa.

It's the San Gabriel Valley's
version of Burning Man.

Mm.
And I've never been,
but WiJo,

he's a veteran Mes Face.

Well, I don't know.

Oh, okay, that sounds cool.
Yeah.

I'm really looking
forward to it.

It's gonna be great.

I mean, it's very primal.
Mm.

Mmm.

But it's a real place

where you can connect,
refresh, heal.

You read that
brochure, huh?

(laughs)
Like, a thousand times.

Can I see that brochure?

Sure.

Connect, refresh, heal.

Fascinating.

(knocking)

Hi.

Stop coming here!

Okay, uh, listen,

I know you don't like me,
per se.

But I, uh, was
on my way to Dairy Queen.

Found myself
in the neighborhood

and I was craving
a chicken strip basket.

You want to come?

So you really
want me to be fat.

Valencia, again,
you're not fat.
(sighs)

Come on, Valencia,
we could go,

get a Blizzard,
maybe talk about Josh a little?

Stop talking about Josh!

That's what this
is, isn't it?

You want to find
someone who will moan

and cry and be
sad about Josh.

No. No, I--
that's not why I'm here.

I legitimately just was
craving some chicken basket.

And a Blizzard.

Maybe two.

Come on.

Come on, it's on me.

Okay, here's the deal.

I will take the free food.

But we can't talk about Josh

and it's only
because I'm hungry.

Postmates won't deliver
to me anymore.

You throw a cold meatball
sub at one guy...

All right, let's get the show
on the road.

Oh, you may want to go
to the bathroom before we leave.

I need to pee before
we go six blocks?

Yes, that is the distance
we will be traveling.

Connect, refresh...

heal.

*

VALENCIA:
Connect, refresh, heal?

This is more like starve,
sweat and hand sanitize.

(sighs)
This is worse than
that tent city

Susie grew up in.

Again, don't worry about her.

She just passed
a homeless reform bill.

Oh, my God,
that's beautiful.

Seriously, this is foul.

Okay, Valencia, you
agreed to come here.

Only because you
locked the door

and talked for an hour.

And I'm too tired

to fight with you.

And plus,

I really don't have
anything else to do.

Valencia, you're gonna have
a good time here, okay?

I know it's weird,
but it's gonna be great.

I promise.

Anyway, look,

I got us a tiny tent.
Mm.

Come on, let's find
a spot for it.

(groans)
Come on,
come on.

REBECCA: Also, I packed you
some extra clothes.

They're my workout clothes,
so they've never been worn.

They're gonna look great on you.

Incidentally, um,

it really looks like
you've already lost some weight,

since we got here
a couple minutes ago.

That's-- that's kind
of disconcerting.

Are you drinking water?

Okay, can you stop
talking about my weight?

I get it, I'm a ginormous 6,
junior 5/7,

so just shut up about it.

Okay, fine.

Just a fun fact, the
national average size

is actually a 12,
so, you know,

you're, you're
very petite.

Okay.

Let's do an activity!

Come on, let's get a
smile on that face.

Let's, uh, tie-dye
each other's hair,

or yarn bomb a car?

Or, you know, we could just
talk about our shared trauma?

Oh, my God, stop it.
I told you,

no more talking about healing
and trauma, okay?

The only shared trauma
you and I are gonna bond over

are those communal
Porta Pottis.

Oh, not a problem for me,

I love a good public poo.

It's like, leave it
and forget it.

Not my mess!

Hey, hey...

Put your hand down.

WHITE JOSH:
And the thing that
most people forget is that

the area underneath the tent
has to be clear,

because insects are
super attracted to debris.

You're so great at all this
outdoorsy stuff.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, my God,
everyone is so young.

I feel like...

a weird uncle.

Oh, there's
a regular-aged person.

Oh, hey. Carl.

Oh, hey, Josh!
Hey, buddy.

(chuckling): You said you
weren't coming this year.

Oh, well, I talked him into it.

Oh.
Hi, I'm Darryl. I'm...

the boyfriend.

It's so nice to see
an oldster like yourself

making the journey.
Good for you.

Oh, nice to meet you, too.

I am so happy you're here.

I was worried that
I would be the only person

that knows who Marlo Thomas is.

Oh, are you kidding?

When she's a mannequin
in the window

and she winks?
(laughing)

(both laughing)

Yeah.

I am trying to listen

and type
and understand.

Shh.

I just missed the thing.

(professor speaking
indistinctly)

Good God, man.
What?

What black magic is that?

Well, it-- it looks
like some sort of

specialized note-taking app.

Oh, damn it, I just wrote

"black magic."
Excuse me, sir, hello.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry to interrupt.

Um, may I ask, what kind
of note-taking app is that?

Noneya.

Noneya? Great, and I can
find that at iTunes or...

As in, noneya bidness, bitch.

(gasps)

And I thought
my son was rude.

(exhaling slowly)

But, like,
what is Josh looking for?

'Cause you and I are amazing,

and so I can't figure out, like,

what else he thinks
is out there?

Actually, I think he might be
on the spectrum,

so I was reading a checklist
online and he...

Shh!

Shh! I am trying to
enjoy my sensory bath.

(sighs)

Okay, one more thing.

I actually think he has
(groans)

narcissistic personality
disorder,

which is a whole
other checklist.

But is specifies...
Sherpa Allen,

this woman is inviting
negative thoughts.

Be still, child.

(smacking lips)
Mmm, baba ghanoush.

(sighs)
You know, I forgot,

I do kind of enjoy this.

Josh, when we were dating,

they didn't have this cool,

sensatory immersion thing,
right?

Nah.
What?
(chuckles)

When who
was dating?

Oh, me and Carl.

What?
(chuckles)

You-you guys?

You mean, when
you say dating,

you mean, like
carbon dating?

Like looking at fossils

and that kind of thing?

You mean like
dating dating? Why?

Uh...
Well,

we met at a party.

No, no, I meant,

we met 15 minutes ago

and no one said anything.

Uh...

(imitating Josh):
Uh, uh.

Your silence is deafening.

(power surging)

MAN:
What happened to the music?

Okay, we must have
blown out a speaker.

Uh, who has
a didgeridoo?

I do.
Right here, of course.
Oh.

Oh, man, the music stopped.

Now this place really sucks.

Well, at least Josh isn't here.

Do not say the word "Josh."

Josh. Hey, dude.

One of our event sound systems
just blew out.

I need someone
to run out and fix it.

So...

grab your water bottle and some
body glitter, my friend,

you're heading to Electric Mesa.

God, my notes
are the worst.

What's "scandalous
French toast"?

I don't know.

(groans)

I can't even concentrate,

I keep thinking
about that guy.

I hate him.

And now I want
French toast.

You know what?

We can't just sit here
and take it

while that jerk is out there

with his fancy spaceship notes.

(scoffs)
We need that spaceship.

We deserve that spaceship.

Okay, this is gonna sound weird,

but what do you have

in the way of caper clothes?

I have Lycra for small spaces,
I have camo,

I have a zip-up hoodie--
what do you need?

Um...

I gave up skulking
for Rebecca,

but this is
skulking for me.

Plus, I-- I really love
saying the word "skulk."

Skulk, skulk, skulk, skulk.

(changing pitch):
Skulk, skulk.

No, it's lost its meaning.

Oh, no.
Let me try again.

Skulk. Ah,
there it is.
Oh! Hey!

*

Come on, Valencia,
what's wrong now?

I tried, but this place is
doing nothing for me

except introducing me
to new body smells.

(groans)
I can't get an Uber!

So just, I want to leave and
I'm just gonna take your car,

so you can find a ride.

I need your keys.

You have to come get 'em.
They're in my underpants.

Oh, my God.

Valencia,
you can't leave.

We haven't bonded yet.

Look at where we are.

It's so beautiful.
Look at the,

the colorful toadstools
and the eggs.

It's what-- it's what
I imagine Easter to be like

if I had been allowed to
believe in Jesus!

I saw a woman with a bikini top
made of the Bill of Rights!

This is amazing,
so let's bond, okay?

Hey, let's start small.

Look at that. I'm thirsty.
Are you thirsty?

I am a little parched.

All right, come on.
(groans softly)

(in British accent):
Hello, hello, my ladies,

welcome to high tea!

Ah! She's British. Um...

(in British accent):
Verily, I would like to sample

some of your earthy water.

(American accent):
Huh?

Let's just drink it.

Let's drink it, yeah.

To the queen.

Okay, I am a little thirsty.

Wow.
(chuckles)

Two cups!

You guys must have
a really high tolerance.

Um, what?

A Triceratops tolerance?

The hallucinogen Triceratops?

AKA 3Tops?

Meketyltrichlorocaine?

Mixy, Toxy, Cloxy?

Wait.

Did we just
drink drugs?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Whoa.
Whoa.

A dream ballet.
A dream ballet.

(ballet music playing)

*

VALENCIA:
Ooh, I'm a ballerina.

What a beautiful drug trip.

(whispering):
Triceratops.

*

REBECCA:
Whee!

I'm a pretty ballet dancer.

What a great drug trip.

Roar!
I'm a triceratops!

*

*

*

*

*

*

(laughing)

Ah.

(laughing)

(laughter fading)

(gasps)

Oh, my God,
I am so sad.

I'm so sad about Josh.

I want to kill him.

(indistinct laughter, chatter)

Oh, my God,
I forgot how fun it is

to sit here and watch
strangers trip balls.

Yeah, it's so fun.

You seriously mad
about Carl?

You a little bit
jealous, bud?

I wasn't even
that into him.

It's just that
he was more...

distinguished
than I expected.

You mean old?

I think he's younger
than you, dude.

No, he's not.
I think so.

No, he's not!
I think he might be.

No, he's got those
little wrinkle frowns.

I didn't have that.
See?

Come on, I like guys
who are smart and confident.

Like you.

Mm-hmm.
Okay?

For what it's worth,
he's a really cool guy.

I think you guys
would hit it off.

Yeah, well, people don't
usually like to bond

with the boyfriend's
ex-- it's weird.

(sighs)

That was
a horrible trip.

Mine was horrible.

And beautiful and... and sad.

I feel like I want
to punch something.

Like, I-I feel,
like, roided out.

Like my mom made me drink
all these energy drinks

right before
I took the ACT.

Like, I could just rip down
the whole tent right now.

Yeah, I'm just realizing
how much Josh

has taken advantage of me
time after time after time.

And I, I just lay
down and let him.

(sobbing)

Oh, you're crying.

Josh hurt me so much.

I broke up with him.

But the truth is...

he left me, emotionally,
long before.

I killed the relationship
because I had to.

It was already dead.

And now...

I am so scared to be alone.

Oh...
(sobbing)

Hey, it's okay.

I ripped his heart out.

I never, never want
to see him again.

JOSH: Uh, hey, bro,
I'm here from Aloha

to fix the AV system.

SHERPA ALLEN:
Oh, everyone's gonna be

so freakin' happy you're here.

We need music.

(both chuckling)
Yeah.

JOSH: I'm Josh.

SHERPA ALLEN:
Hey. Sherpa Allen.

JOSH: Cool, Sherpa Allen.

Mr. Sherpa
or Mr. Allen?

Uh, Sherpa.
You can call me Sherp.

Oh, nice to get
some fresh air.

WHITE JOSH:
Oh, yeah. Hey, Ben.

What's up, Jerry?
How's it going, man?

Oh, hi, Jerry.
You know him?

No, but you seem to.
(derisive chuckle)

You know both Ben
and Jerry.

You love all the classic
flavors, don't you?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

WHITE JOSH:
What's up, Len?

Hey, Paul.
Hey, Frank.

Oh, my God.
What?

Tell me I didn't just say
hi to five of your exes.

No. Gross.

Four. I would
never date Paul.

Oh, my God!
What's your problem, dude?

You have an
older-man fetish.

(laughing)
All your boyfriends

could have been
in Cocoon!

You know, you don't
like a man

until his Sandra Bullocks
start dropping.

I don't have a fetish.

I maybe have a little
bit of a type.

But so what?

I thought you
liked me for me.

I...
But you don't!

Good day, sir.
Hi there.

Oh!

Oh, come on, it's just
a friendly stranger.

Darryl.

REBECCA:
I mean, I just can't believe

that Josh is here right now.

That is Josh, right?
It's not a hallucination?

Oh, no, that's him.

I can smell his
sandalwood body spray

that I gave him.
Oh.

So what are we gonna do?

Nothing.
Hide till he leaves.

No. No.

We're not doing that.

This is the problem.
This is the problem right here.

We always let this jerk
off the hook.

Not now,
not anymore.

Oh, we are gonna
eat his heart.

I don't know.

Oh, my God!
Lean in, V.

You woke up from
that dream sobbing.

I mean, you said yourself
you're scared.

He scares you. I mean,
look at right now.

You're trembling
like a dog on July 4.

What?
Dogs don't like fireworks.
I read about it.

V.
What?

V, don't give
him that power.

(music playing, all cheering)

Thanks, folks.

Thanks, just...
Just doing my job.

Uh, and remember,
all week,

15% off all Blu-rays
at Aloha!

(all cheering)

Ugh!
Always the hero.

He makes me so mad.

Good.
Let's use it.

Whoo! Yeah!
This is awesome.

(laughing)

Come on.
Oh, come on.

I have an idea.

*

What are we
even doing here?

Take off your pants.

Um, hello. I ain't
that kind of party.
Yeah.

Look, it's time we
stopped being victimized

by this man, okay?

It's time we stand up
to his cisgender patriarchal

hegemonic hold
on our imaginations

and our hearts.

What?

Okay, you just need
to read Roxane Gay.

Start with her Twitter.
It's very provocative.

Anyway, let's pee
on his stuff.

What? Why?

Because he marked us
as his territory,

and now we're gonna
mark him right back.

Yeah. Are you in?
(groans)

(keys clank on floor)

Wow, you really were

keeping your keys
in your underwear.

Yes, in my underwear.
That's where they were.

Yes. Yes.

Not... yeah.

(whispering):
Okay, so,

you're sure he's not
coming back anytime soon?

Oh, positive. He's playing
acoustic originals

at an open mic.

Oh, wow,
I hate that guy.
Yeah.

Oh, God, of course.

Here.
Thank you.

All right,
there is the app.

And...

(blunt chime)

I can't send the data to us.

I mean, I don't know how
to access the code,

so I can't disable
the firewall-- damn it!

Step aside.
Step aside.

(gasps)

Whoa, look at you!

Yeah. I was a computer
programming major

until sophomore year
of college,

when I saw Pippin
at the student union

and changed my degree
to theater.

Dumb move.

Downloading.

And voilà!

Oh, you're the best!

Remind me to get you
a friendship bracelet.

Aw.

Oh, yeah, right.

(Rebecca cries out)

Oh...
Ah! That felt great.

Wow.

That's the best I've felt

in, like, never.

So you have the forceful
stream of a leader.

The best thing
about this is...

I know, we saw
each other's vaginas.

What? No, it's that-that
Josh will never know...

Know it was us. Josh will
never know it was us.

...it was us, right.
Yeah, right, right.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Rebecca?
Valencia?

W-What are you doing here?

What's going on?

Why are your keys on the floor?

What's that smell?
Did you pee on the equipment?

Yeah, we did.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we did it to mark
our independence from you.

Whoa, that's confusing
and... gross.

You know what's
confusing and gross, Josh?

The way you've
treated her.

I mean, she gave you
the best years of her life,

and look how you
repaid her,

by-by hooking up
with another woman.

Which was you.

Exactly!
You know what?

Let's talk about Rebecca.

Okay? She got you
that Aloha job,

and then you repaid her
by sleeping with her,

sleeping on her couch for free,
and then breaking her heart.

Oh, my God, you did
listen to me in the car.
Yeah.

Okay, Rebecca, Valencia,

I-I know things
didn't work out,

but it was complicated
with you... guys.

With-with both of you.

(baby voice): Oh, was it?
Was it complicated?

Oh, no, oh, was it...

(fake crying):
Oh, was it complicated?
(chuckles)

VALENCIA (baby voice):
Was it compli-mi-wonicated?

(laughs)
Yeah.
Are you gonna cry now?

You gonna squirt
out a few tears?

Pew! Pew! Pew!
(both laugh)

You guys are so mean.
REBECCA:
Oh, whatever, we're mean.

You know what? This woman's
a goddess and a leader

and you should have
worshipped her.

Yeah, and Rebecca's
a super smart dynamo

with a feminist bikini area
that you should've treated

with respect.

Thank you.
You know what?
I never realized

the strength that you have,
because you're small but fierce.

Stop, no, you know
what? Don't stop.
Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Don't-- Keep, keep, keep it.
You know, the thing is,

is I've always been afraid
to be fierce like that.

This is the reason
there's a pay gap.

So what happens is,
women go into a job...

Not even-- a raise doesn't even
occur to them...

*

Look at this outfit
I bartered for.

I mean, I owe someone
eight private yoga sessions

and a topless massage,
but I feel a lot better.

So empowered.

And, not that this matters,
but you look really skinny.

Yeah?
I mean, you've lost
most of the weight.

If you were a hunter/gatherer,
you would be dead in days.

Really? You think
I lost some of the weight?

I didn't even notice.

Know why?

'Cause we connected,
and we refreshed,

(chuckles)
and we healed.

We bonded.

Mm.

You can kidnap me
any time you want.

Okay.
I was kidding.

I was, too.

Okay, well, they're doing
yoga up on the meadow,

and I'm gonna go see

whose postures need adjustment.

I saw some tragic Warrior 2's.

She's back.

(squeals)

REBECCA:
Oh, hey!

Hi, there you are.

Rebecca, what are you
doing here?

I heard about
this place from you.

Isn't this just the best?

I feel like my life has changed,
you know, I've just--

really feel like
I'm a whole new pers...

Hey, you look sad.
Are you okay?

I don't belong here.
This is for young people

and all of Josh's
really old boyfriends.

What? Hey, hey, D, talk to me.

Oh, yeah.

It turns out Josh is really
into old guys.

Yeah, it's practically a fetish.

Okay, well, let's not
knock someone for a fetish.

I mean, you know,
some people like being...

choked by red licorice.

Not saying who,
but I think you know it's me.

Yeah, but I don't have a fetish.

I don't have a type.

I-I don't even prefer a gender.

I mean, I just feel so dumb.

I thought I was special.

Darryl, of course
you're special.

I mean, he's in the office
every day just to see you.

Yeah...
I mean, sometimes all it takes

for two people to connect is
for one person to reach out

and try really hard.

Like, like,
harder than they should.

Like, to the point
of kidnapping.

Or something.

Anyway, just go talk
to him, okay?

All right.

I did good.

Hey, I want to talk.

(strained):
'Kay, let's talk.

Could you stop angry
crunching for a second?

I set an intention.

Please?

Come on.

Okay, look,

when I saw all those...

Pat Sajaks that you'd
been with, I just...

felt so ordinary and old.

But, you know, these
are my own insecurities.

I don't expect
you to understand.

Why not?

You think you're the only one
with insecurities?

Come on, when I see
your abs, I definitely do.

No, I have tons of insecurities.

Like, for instance, lately,

I've been starting
to think that...

I don't know,
I'm just some boy toy to you.

Like you're having
a midlife crisis

and I'm just your fetish.
Oh, come on, that's not true.

I feel like
you don't take me seriously.

I... come on, why haven't
I met Madison yet?

I am so sorry, I just
didn't want to freak you out.

I mean, a kid's a big deal.

I didn't want you
to feel pressured

into something serious.

I want something serious, D.

I want that with you.

Not someone who is your type.

You.

Oh, I love you, Josh.

I love you, too.

(sighs)

I'm really glad I came out here,
Sherpa Allen.

You did a great job.

Thanks, but that's not
why I'm glad.

Like, I really needed a reminder

of why I'm so happy
being single.

Women are tough.

I mean, love 'em,
but they are complicated

and, uh, just
hard to understand.

Oh, I understand.

I've been celibate since 1987.

Yup.

I orgasm internally
as a part of my practice.

Well, I don't know
how to do that,

but I am gonna take a break
from the ladies.

A good long break.

Thanks again, son.

Also, your equipment
smells delicious.

Be well.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

(shudders)

(equipment clatters)

Hey.

Hey.

You fixed the sound, right?

Without music this event
is just dirt, so thank you.

I work out.

What?

Yeah.

(laughing)

(chuckling)

Oh! Hi.

Madison, I want you to meet
my friend Josh.

Josh,

this is Madison.

It's so nice to meet you,
Madison.

Nice to meet you, too.

I heard that you like snails.

I'm more into Pegasuses now.

Oh, okay, yeah,

let's take this back
and get you a Pegasus, then.
Oh, n-no,

let's get a Pegasus in
addition to this one.

Uh, Madison!
(laughing):
Okay.

Done.

I like your boyfriend, Daddy.

He ain't cheap.

(laughter)

You guys want a boba?

Yeah.
Okay.

So, you and V are good now?

Yeah, we, like, totally bonded.

Hi!
Hey!

Hey, bitch, I heard
you peed on some stuff.

Yeah, I did.

I always knew
I kind of liked you.

You're basic
but in an enjoyable way.

Thanks, bitch.
Yeah.

Aw, guys, we're all bitches.

Aw.
Bitch, bitch, bitch,

bitch, bitch.
Also,

we're liberating that word
from its misogynistic confines.

Just like we liberated ourselves
from Josh Chan.

No, uh-uh.
This is so easy.
Oh, my God.

Five dollars.
Yeah.
Why did I agree to this
with both of you?

Thank you.
All right,
it's a work in progress.

Anyway, as I was saying,
bitch, bitch, bitch.

Bitch, bitch,
bitch, bitch, bitch.
Oh, yeah,

Roxane Gay wrote
an Op-Ed on that word.

I just read it.

HEATHER:
Whoa.
Wait, that's so hot.

Is this the place?
Do you need, like,
a bigger donut...

Yeah, it was
a dumb question, okay?
...to let you know that...

You can see that
thing from Mars, man.
Well,

forgive, Your Honor. Get it?
I know.

Law joke.

Hi.

Hi, hey.

What are you... hi!

I was-- I-- wow, so,

you're hanging out with, um...
Oh!

Uh, yeah, yeah,
but it's-it's cool,

they're, um... they're kind of
like my bitches now.

Oh, wow.

Okay.
(chuckles nervously)

(Sunil clears throat)
I'm so sorry,

this is... Sunil...
Hi, I'm Sunil Odhav.

Oh, hi.
Hi.

I'm Paula's bitch,
kind of. Sorry.

Um, it's-- this is kind of
embarrassing, but, you know,

you two are wearing
the same bracelet.

Yeah, they're
friendship bracelets.

My daughters helped
me make them.

Oh... oh, oh, okay.

(Sunil chuckles)
Oh, fun! Fun. Yeah.

So adorable.
Yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna go sit--
get a table.

Great. Okay.
Yeah.

Just, you know...

He seems so-- is that from--
law school.

Yes, oh, right--
we're just here.

We're just gonna, you know,
study, and coffee, and...

sugar and...

I'm gonna-- yeah,
I'm just gonna...

Okay, you just...
I'm gonna...

Yeah. Okay. Bye.
Okay.

*

(chuckles softly)

So...

Arkansas.
Arkansas.

Hold on, it's alphabetical.

Connecticut.
Connecticut.

It's too much, it's too much.

(talking indistinctly)

New Jersey?

*

Okay, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22,

23, 24...

*

* Thought bubbles
in your mind. *

Okay, uh...

that's twenty... one,

22, 23...

* Popping those bubbles
from time to time. *

Damn it, okay.

Uh...
(grunts)

One, two,

three, four, five...

* You don't have to be alone

* With your thoughts.

Call me.

Uh...

(scoffs)

*

(whistling)

So, this is the thing.
Yes!

Women are afraid of being
bitches, and so when they...
Yes!

when they apply for a
job, they just think,

"Oh, please give me--
please give me the job, sir."

Mm.
But when men apply for
a job, they're like,

"What are my benefits?"
Preach.

I-- you know?
They don't apply,

the job applies for them.
(vocalizes)

This is why I'm growing
out my pubic hair.

'Cause it makes me feel
like a fierce animal.

Wait, let me see.
Oh, yeah, I'll show you again.