All language subtitles for Crazy.Ex-Girlfriend.S02E04.When.Will.Josh.and.His.Friend.Leave.Me.Alone!.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.Rus.Eng_TeamHD_track6_[eng]

Previously on
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Neither man is actually
offering you a relationship.

Is it neither or kind of both?

GREG:
You sold our house?

I'm giving you half the money.

So you can go to school.
Y-Your dream school, Emory.

I can't just pick up
and move across the country

out of nowhere, I'm not crazy.

This is just a fight,
this is a fight.

All couples fight.
No,

we're not a couple, Rebecca.

REBECCA:
And it's about me and Greg.

I mean, him and me
getting together,

it's the most obvious thing
in the world.

What?

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait! What happened?
Where are you going?

I am applying to law school!

I don't want to know.

DARRYL:
You start this semester.

Nothing can stop you, Paula.

Not anymore.

I was gonna spread my wings
and fly.

I'm so stupid.

Greg, wait, wait!

Wait!

What happened?
Where are you going?

To Emory.

Finally.
What?

But Greg-- Greg, you and I
were gonna start over.

Me seeing you on that bridge,

that was a sign.

That we should be together.

I want to believe that.

I do.

But that's not how life works.

Rebecca,

there are no signs.

Life doesn't happen to you.

You make decisions.

And right now, I'm deciding to
move forward with my life.

But you can't deny
our feelings for each other.

You and I have had
some great moments together.

Some of the best of my life.

But in between that,

it got confusing and hard,

and bad for both of us.

So you were just gonna leave
without saying goodbye to me?

I couldn't say goodbye.

If I did, I would never leave.

So that means you love me.

Of course I love you.

* I love you, yes

* And I'll confess

* The thought of staying
is so enticing *

Then stay.

* And when you speak

* My knees get weak

* I can't believe what
I'm sacrificing *

* But let's get real

* We know the deal

* So darling

* Let's not tiptoe

* This thing we had

* Was not just bad

* It was a (bleep) show

Greg, come on,
it wasn't exactly...

Shh, let me finish.

* We can't undo

* Can't make amends

* Dysfunction
is our lingua franca *

* We can't unscrew

* Each other's friends

* We're Jerry Springer *

* Not Casablanca *

* There's hard to get

* Then there's neglect

* To say it's fate

* You'd have to be a bit slow

* Not to be crass

* But this sucked ass

* This was a (bleep) show

* Chernobyl next to us

* Looks like a campfire

Okay, I-I get it. I get it.

* Hurricane Katrina

* Was just bad weather

* We have chemistry of course

* But that's a formula
for divorce *

* A play about pieces of feces

* Is what we are together

But Greg...

* Oh, what the hell

* Let's get a hotel

* 'Cause life is short

* And we're not
getting any younger *

* But after sex

* What happens next

* I mean in the long run

* Not just fatigue
and hunger *

* And when you say

* That I should stay

* That's exactly when
I should split *

* Though I won't forget

* I won't regret

* This beautiful,
heart stopping *

* Breathtaking,
life-changing. *

(instrumental music continues)

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

And TOYOTA.

(sniffles)

PAULA:
Here's some tea, doll.

What's wrong with me?

Why doesn't anyone want me?

Josh dumped me and then...

and then Greg abandoned me.

Okay, that is not
the situation...

Yes, it is!

He left and he
called our relationship feces.

Okay, well maybe he didn't,

you know, use the best words,

but I mean, that's why
he's going back to school.

And,

I'm sorry, but you guys are
not good for each other.

He needed to move on and...

good for him for
taking that step.

(sniffles)

I hope he dies.

If he ever comes back,
I'm just gonna be like, "Die!"

Okay, let it-- let it go.

Let Greg go.

Just let both of them go.

I don't know who I am
without them.

I know that's pathetic.

I know it's pathetic,
but it's true.

Who am I supposed to be now?

Honey, be yourself.

What?!

Who? No!

Ew.

Ugh. Who wants to be that?

Paula, you just
don't understand.

You don't know what it's like
to be at a crossroads,

and not know what to do next.

You're right, honey.

I don't.

ANNOUNCER (on TV):
...with it now

across the centerline as
the defense settles in...

Turn the TV down! I can't think!

Mom, I'm starving.

(refrigerator opens)
We just had dinner.

Babe, do we have stamps?

I don't know, did you buy them?

(refrigerator closes)

Mmm.

Ma, don't wake me up
in the morning.

I can sleep in.
I got suspended.

Not my fault.

I was playing with my lighter

and some kid got his book
in my fire.

Brendan, I am so
disappointed in you.

Put that on some bread.

(sighs)

He gets suspended and you yell
at him for eating naked cheese?

You're in that mood, huh?

You-you want a chardonnay?

You know I can't.
Oh, it won't hurt.

You're only a little
bit pregnant.

Oh, right, 'cause we only had a
little bit of intercourse.

You, uh, sure you
want another baby?

There are options, you know.

We just won't mention
it to Father Brah

and he won't tell God.

Scott, I am a married
mother of two.

Okay, those options
are for teenagers

the month after
winter formal.

You know who I think you
should talk to? Rebecca.

She's young.

I bet she's had tons of options.

(scoffs) Rebecca is the
last person I want to tell.

Well, when I let her know that
I'm not going to law school

because I'm having this baby,
I mean, she's--

she's not gonna understand.

She is your best friend.

Well, I don't want
to burden her.

I mean, she's recovering from
not one, but two breakups.

So...

(scrubbing)

Okay.

I'm gonna move on.

Yeah. I'm gonna move on,
just like Paula said.

I'm gonna figure out who I am

and scrub these men
out of my life.

Are you sure
you want do that?

Greg?

Greg, I knew you
wouldn't leave me.

I knew you'd come back!

Of course I did.

I could never leave you.

And I'm here, too.

What?

BOTH: We will never
leave you, Rebecca.

Never.

Great.

Ghosts.
(sighs)

No, no, I know what you
guys are. You're dream ghosts.

What? No.

Dream ghosts are lame.

So lame.

We're memory spirits.

Coined it!
Oh, nice, dude.

I pitched ex-ray visions,

but we're not named Ray, so...

(Greg sighs)

Memory spirits are
old boyfriends

who haunt their exes.

We are polter-guys.

What?

(chuckling):
Coined that, too.

Dude, that's awesome.

(groans)
Okay,

I guess scrubbing you
out of my life wasn't enough.

I need to sweep you out.

Where's my broom?

You can't sweep us out.

We're everywhere.

This house is filled with
memories of us.

Remember?

* I banged you here

* I nailed you there

* And on this couch
* And in this chair

* In the doorway
* The hallway

* On every stair

BOTH: * We tapped that ass
all over this house *

(tapping)

* Sometimes him,
sometimes me *

* Though never simultaneously

* But one of us was
hitting it usually *

BOTH: * We tapped that ass
all over this house *

(tapping)

* You'll never escape us

* 'Cause we live in your head

* Just two swell dudes
that you screwed *

* Here
* And here

* And there
* And here

* And even occasionally
in your bed *

That bed is really
uncomfortable.
Right?

It's like a prison cot.

* On the stove

* Over the sink

* And sort of in the fridge

* One time I think

* And then we hit
the back patio *

* That's where we hit
your back patio-oh! *

* We tapped that ass
all over this house *

* How many times did we
tap that behind? *

* Well, let's estimate

* On an average day

* I would have to say

Mmm... * A five,
six, seven, eight *

What?
Too cheeky?

Hey, does this ring a bell?

(high-pitched):
A little to the left.

(high-pitched):
Oh, oh, okay, now,

a little to the right.

Oh, oh, wait, wait,

back to the left.

Right there, right there.
JOSH:
Wait, no,

you're doing it wrong.
I'll do it myself.

Barkeep, what's on tap?

It's me.
And my ass.

Ooh!

Sounds refreshing.

* On the table you
were willing and able *

* On the ottoman,
you took a lotta man *

* And on the safe
in the closet *

* I made a deposit

* I also tapped that ass all
over this house *

Let's wrap this up
with a big finish!

But where should we finish?

Please not on my chest.

No, you'll scratch it.

* On the accent wall

* On the bathroom floor

* You didn't care where
* You just wanted more

BOTH: * How much more tappin'
could one ass endure? *

* We tapped that ass

* Tapped that ass *

* Tapped that ass

* Tapped that ass *

* We tapped that ass

* All over this house!

Goodbye, Josh.

Goodbye, Greg.

Adios, Josh.

Fare-thee-well, Gregorino.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Mm.

(sirens wailing)

(knocks on door)

Oh, good, you're up.
Okay, so,

(voice breaking): can I sleep
here tonight, please?

(groans)

Oh, my God, that was you?

You lit the fire?

No, no, no, okay,
so I was trying to burn

some ex-boyfriend memorabilia.

And it was all an accident.

Well, not the fire,
but the fire!

Ah, well, you could've burned
down the whole complex.

I was gonna run out and see it,
but then I was tired.
Okay,

so, I'm tired
too, so I'll just...

I'll just-I'll
just sleep here, yeah?

MRS. DAVIS:
Heather?

Is everything okay?

Oh, hello, hi.

Who are you?
Heather, I thought

you lived alone.
What? No, I live
with my parents.

You know that.

I do?

You've met them.

I have?

Your parking spot
is next to mine.

And I was the one who
kept getting

your Playbill Magazine,
remember?

And you keep scraping
the side of my car?

(robot voice): Mm. Searching
database for facial recognition.

Beep, beep, beep,
eh, matches not found.

(laughter)
Don't be weird.

I'm so sorry to wake you,
Mr. and Mrs. Heather.

Davis.
My last name's Davis.

What's wrong with you?

I was in a fire.

(crying):
It was so scary.

Oh, thank you.
HEATHER:
Aw. No.

It's okay.
I mean...

Ugh. Okay, Mom, Dad, can
Rebecca crash on the sofa,

or whatever?

Of course, I'll go
get a blanket.

And I make some mean pancakes,
Heather will tell you.

Oh, well, good,
I-I am kind of hungry.

Well, I was thinking more
breakfast, but sure, why not?

Guys, it's 2:00 a.m.

Which means it's morning.
Dad...

Heather, your parents
are so nice.

(drawn-out groan)
Yeah.

Do you want strawberry cat ears,

or blueberry smiles
on those flapjacks?

Get out of my head, you angel.

Both, I'll take both!

(inhales deeply and sniffs)

Where is she?

She went to work, dear.

She borrowed some of my clothes.

Why, what's wrong?

This.

Photo credit, the jerk in 7B.
(phone beeps)

DISPATCH:
911, what is your emergency?

REBECCA:
Well, I was in a love triangle

with two best friends
named Josh and Greg

and they both rejected me,
so I tried to light a fire

and burn all their stuff

and it's so smoky in here
and I'm so sad.

Hold on, I have to poo.

DISPATCH: Ma'am, is there a fire
in your house?

Don't go into your bathroom.

REBECCA: Okay, I'll poo outside.
What is your name, Ma'am?

My name is Rebecca Nora Bunch
from West Covina.

(groans) I'm in the backyard and
I got poo on my shoes. Hurry.

(elevator dings)

What?

Are you okay?

Oh, you must be so humiliated.

KAREN:
If I were you,

I would start
working on an alias.

Karen, I'm totally fine.

Mine would be Eva Longoria.
What?

That's already someone.

Is it?

REBECCA: (groans)
I'm in the backyard and I got

poo on my shoes. Hurry.

(mouse click)

(mouse click)
DISPATCH:
911, was it your emergency?

Okay, no, enough of this,

we're not watching this anymore.

Okay, this is gonna blow over
in, like, two seconds.

What are you wearing,
by the way?

Mm, it's
Heather's mom's clothes.

I can't go back to my apartment,
like, ever.

It's okay, I'll go to your
apartment and get your things.

Memory spirits will not mess

with Mama Paula.

(moans)
Thank you.
Okay. (chuckles)

(sighs)

You don't think that many
people saw this, do you?

Uh...

Like, like, Josh and Greg
haven't seen it.

No, no.

No, no, no, I don't think
anybody sent it to them.

Hey, forget me, forget this,
what-what's new with you?

Me?
Uh, nothing.

Are you sure?
Because you've seemed a little

I don't know, distracted lately,

and I want to be a good friend.

Tell me, I'm a good listener.

(crying):
I'm a good listener.

So just tell me!

Okay. Babe, why don't
you go home,

and take like a...
personal disaster day

No, no, I want to
be in the meeting!

Okay, are you sure?

'Cause it's a douche company
and Karen's gonna be there

just talking all about
her vagina.

and we're just gonna be
throwing up.

No, no, it'll make me
feel better to work.

And plus, I want to prove
to everyone that I'm okay.

DARRYL:
Okay!

Is everybody ready
to get their douche on?

(laughs)

Oh.

I am so sorry if I offended.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That was just...

I am not offended by
the word "douche" at all.

(chuckles)
No.
Oh.

At Miss Douche, we
are very proud of our products

and everything
they do for women.

No, we're honored
the women entrust us

with the care and cleanliness
of their special parts.

(shudders)

Personally, I am a fan.

I've been using your products
for years.

Would you sign my box?

Her douche box.

Maybe later.

Look, we-we want to reclaim
the word "douche."

We think it could be
the cornerstone

of female empowerment.

Empowerment?

Well, yes! We know that our
company's image is retro

and that's why
we're re-branding.

We're moving into
new market places,

we're redefining ourselves.

Hence the new facility in Pomona
you're working on.

Yeah, new headquarters,
new image, new us.

We are starting over.

Starting over, yeah.

Yeah, our name and image

are a liability, we get that,
you know.

People sometimes laugh,

they childishly giggle at us.

Let alone all the anti-douching
research funded by Big Vagina.

Nothing worse than Big Vagina.

Oh, amen.

No, but when I am done
with this re-branding,

no one will laugh at me.

I mean, us... anymore.
(chuckles)

You know, um, you know,
re-branding,

you were talking about that,
and I'm so fascinated by that

from a business perspective.
Oh.

Tell me, how does a person
or a business

completely change
their entire identity

so that everyone forgets
what they were like before?

Well, for us,

it starts with a
new marketing push.

We're launching a
new Miss Douche logo.

So instead of an illustration,
she'll be a real woman,

flesh and blood.

Probably should not mention
blood when I'm pitching it.

Anyway, we're
looking for her now.

How are you doing that?

Oh, it's a grass
roots viral campaign.

So, the contestants send
their photos to us on Instagram.

The five with the most
likes become the finalists,

and then we pick the winner.
Oh, God,

When the world sees
the new Miss Douche

on-on a billboard,
a pop-up ad or on TV,

they're just gonna say, "Wow,
look at that new Miss Douche!

(elevator dings)
She really has her act
together."

Paula, Paula, can
you do all the research

for the permitting
for Trina's case?

I need you to pull
blueprints,

file motions,
set hearings--

Uh-Uh, I can't do
those things.

I'm not a lawyer.

Oh, but you basically are.

And you're the only person

I would trust
to take this over.

Listen, I have to
recuse myself

from the case.

I have a conflict
of interest.

What are you talking about?

Paula, I need to
become a douche.

Miss Douche!

Ow!
This Miss Douche case

is so complicated.

Look at us, dividing up
our domestic duties.

Are you cooking or
doing inventory?

I'm making
bacon-wrapped chicken,

and, uh...
it's hard.

Babe, I see what
you're doing here,

and I-I really
appreciate it.

You're trying to show me
that I can go to law school

and have a baby, and that
our lives can still work.

Exactly. See, I'm crushing it.

(chuckles)

Tommy, Brendan, dinner.

Tommy!

Tommy!
Where the hell is Tommy?

I'm gonna count
to three, young man.

Don't let me
get to three!

One, two...

Oh, I completely forgot
to pick up Tommy. Shoot!

Uh, Brendan,
go get Tommy.

My license is
suspended again.

Just go get him.

Uh, take the back roads.

So I, uh...
I need a little practice

in the domestic arts,
but I'll get there.

Honey, I'm gonna call
the law school tomorrow

and tell them
that I can't go.

We are overwhelmed
on our best day.

And we cannot add
a baby and law school

to this.

But you love law,
and you're good at it.

And you have the perfect name
for a lawyer--

Paula Proctor, Esquire.

The only better job
would be--

Paula Proctor, Doctor.
Stop it.

We have made a decision,

and we need to
stop talking about it.

Now let's eat around
some chicken.

*

(dog barking in distance)

So, it's a contest
(crunches)

to see who will be
the new Miss Douche!

Ooh, a contest. Wonderful!
I love Miss Douche.

It's been around since I was
a kid. My mother used it!

She always smelled like a salad.

Exactly!
Ew. This whole
thing is dumb.

The only thing grosser than
a douche is an internet contest.

Heather, I need to do this,
okay? I need to re-brand.

My 9-1-1 video is up
to 10,000 hits,

and everyone I've ever met is
now texting me, saying things

like, "Are you okay?
I saw the video."

I need to change the narrative.

If I'm Miss Douche,

then everyone will know
that I'm okay. Everyone.

Josh and Greg and Audra Levine

and my mother,
my garbage father... everybody!

So you want everyone
to see you as a douche.

(gasps)
MRS. DAVIS: Honey, you're
not being supportive.

I'm repeating what she said.
Okay,

so let's see who
has the most likes.

Help me scope out the competish.

Okay.
So, these are

the girls who have
the most likes so far.

Okay...

And... all right.

Okay, there's that girl...

Mm-hmm. This is not for you.

What do you mean?
They all look like

gorgeous mermaids who grew feet
and went to Coachella.

Oh, I could look like that.
Sure, if you had

five years,
a team of professionals

and different DNA.

MRS. DAVIS: Honey,
that's not nice.

Heather.

You are smart, but wrong.

I can look like that.

All I need is one thing.

I need what every girl
needs after a breakups.

A makeover!
MR. AND MRS. DAVIS: Oh!

Cue the song!

Oh, you're right!

* She needs a makeover

* A makeover, a makeover
MR. DAVIS:
Hey!

Mom, no. Mom. No.

It's something like... No, it's
something like, that's what I...

it's kind of something
like that, in my head.

*

* It's a make... over,
makey-makeover *

* It's a makey-makey-makey-
makey-makey makeover *

* Old you in the garbage,
new you in display case *

* Old you was a diaper,
new you is a diamond *

* Makeover,
it's a makey-makeover *

* It's a makey-lakey-wakey-
fakey-bakey-makeover *

* Process

* Process

* Reveal, reveal

* Hairs, nailies

* Sparkle magic horse
(horse neighs)

* Makeover,
it's a makey-makeover *

* It's a makey-lakey-wakey-
fakey-bakey-cakey-rakey-nakey *

* I had a stroke

* I had a stroke

* I had a stroke

* I had a stroke.

(elevator dings)

*

Wow.

Look at... you!

I woke up like this.
(chuckles)

So, I didn't really
wake up like this,

but don't tell anybody, okay?

Okay.
Okay. Yeah.

Hey.

Paula, I feel like you're
not vibing with my new vibe.

I-It's great.

(phone beeps)

Okay.

(unlocks iPhone)

(gasps) Oh, my God!
Yes! Yes! Yes! I went

so way up in likes!
I paid a bunch of bots

to like my photos--
it only cost me five grand--

and... (gasps) I'm in the
top ten for Miss Douche.

Oh, my God, I'm so close.

Okay. Honey, I know
that you are really sad

that Josh and Greg...
dumped you,

and you have done a classic
post-breakup makeover...

Paula. You don't understand.
So, when I'm Miss Douche,

the entire world
is gonna see

how awesome
and effortless I now am.

I mean, it only takes me
two hours to achieve this look.

I mean, four
if I haven't had coffee.
Okay, well,

this look...
is not going to bring

either of them back.
I know that.

This isn't just
about Josh and Greg,

this is about feeling good
about myself.

I mean, I finally feel, Paula,

like I've found the true,
authentic me.

(laughs)
"Authentic." Yeah.

So authentic that you stapled
horse hair to your head.

Okay. You sound real stupid,

because it's not
staples, it's glue.

And it's not horse hair,

it's dead people hair, so...

Oops. Sorry.

I... need some more glue.

Not stapes, so...

B.R.B.

(exhales)

(birds chirping)

Mm...

(exhales)

Oh. Hey, Josh.

Um... hello, Miss.

No! Josh, Josh, it's-it's...

It's me, it's Becks!

Oh...

Wow.

Rebecca?

You look so...

So...

Look at you!
I know,

right? It's-it's great.
I'm doing this contest,

and did you not see
my Instagram pic of my makeover?

Said, hashtag "alwayshydrate"?
I mean,

I haven't checked all the likes,
there are so many likes.

So, I couldn't tell if...
if you were on there.

Oh. I haven't been online
for a while.

I'm on an internet cleanse.
I do it

every once in a while.
Just... Sometimes,

there's crazy stuff
online that...

you know, bums me out,
you know what I mean?

Josh, if you're talking
about that 9-1-1

phone call, and the fire...

You know, I've been meaning
to tell you, I wasn't

screaming "Josh, Greg, Josh,
Greg," that wasn't about you,

that was about
my good friend Josh Greg,

with whom I went to both
Harvard and Yale, and he's

in a really bad place,
'cause his cousin just died.

What 9-1-1 call?

I was talking about people
who post pictures

of polar bears
on melting ice caps.

What fire?

Oh, so you didn't hear about...

D-uh, uh, the... it's-it's...
oh, my gosh. It's a...

it was... no, no, no.
It's noth... Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
And... and

you're in a contest?
Is it a... costume contest?

Is that why
you're wearing that...

funny costume?
(chuckles softly)

Uh, no. It's not a...
it's not a costume.

This is...
um, this is how I dress now.

This is my new... my look.

Oh, s... uh.

Rebecca. I'm sorry.

No... Whatever you're going
through right now,

uh... it'll get better.

I promise.

Okay, but it can't get better
when it's already the best.

Take care, Rebecca.

Cool. I don't need
taking care of, though, so...

(sighs)

*

(groans)
Get up.

Get up!
Mm!

You've been sleeping for, like,

two days!
Aah!

Your expensive bots pushed
your likes over the edge.

Dude, you made it
into the finals!

So, like, get up
and go to your dumb contest.

Try to be Miss
Douche, you idiot.

Wait. I made it?

Yeah.
Oh...

Oh, yeah. I was
a pretty hot girl.

No, it doesn't matter
'cause I give up.
What...

You can't give up. You put in
all that stupid effort.

Eh.
MR. DAVIS:
Rebecca.

Here. I made something for you

with a special cookie cutter

and lots of love.

Thank you, Mr. Heather.

She's refusing to go
to her dumb contest.

Tell her that she has to go.

I don't know, honey.

She really seems like
she wants to quit.

MR. DAVIS:
Rebecca, sweetie,

you don't have to do
anything you started.

What...
Yay.

No... What?

She permanently
damaged her appearance

and she needs to see
this thing through.

We never made you
do that, honey.

Yes. You tried a lot of
different things

and we supported you

every time you wanted
to quit something.

We still have all
the musical instruments

you only played for a week.

(moans) You guys are
talking so loud!
Okay,

No. No...

Get up!
No!

You get up!
(whimpers)

You wanted to show the world
you were okay after that

embarrassing 9-1-1
video, so come on!

Let's go!
(rips)

That's disgusting.

Girl, get your hair glue
and let's vámonos,

which is the only word
I know in Spanish

'cause I only took it
for a week.

*

ANNOUNCER:
Our next contestant

is Melanie Muñoz
from Fort Lauderdale.
(applause)

Miss Muños, do you yourself use
the Miss Douche product?

Absolutely. Freshness
is so important to me.

It gives me confidence
to go about my day,

knowing I don't have
any unnecessary bacteria.

So, I feel free and relaxed.

And free.
(chuckles)

(applause)

ANNOUNCER:
Okay.

Rebecca Bunch!

(whooping, applause)

(whoops)

(sighs)

Well, Miss Bunch.

We at Miss Douche
were surprised

to see you enter
this competition,

knowing you and...
and knowing your background.

(laughs) You are a most
unusual candidate.

An Ivy League education,
a fulltime career, and yet,

you still say you have time
to be a, um...

"Mad chill SoCal sun soaker!"

Yes.

Um.

Well... I would say...

that I try to be
everything a modern woman

should aspire to be. Um...

Sort of a... a cross
between Beyoncé

and Sheryl Sandberg.
Well.

Well, we want to know
more about the real you.

What... what drives you?

Well, I guess what
I'm saying is...

Who are you, Rebecca Bunch?

*

GREG:
Yeah. Who are you, Bunch?

JOSH:
Yeah. Who are you, Becks?

Uh...

Good morning, Your Honor.
You don't have
to call me Your Honor.

I'm a planning manager,
not a judge.

Yes, Your Honor, sorry.

I am Paula Proctor

from Whitefeather & Associates,

representing Miss Douche
Incorporated, LLC.

I have submitted my client's
plans for a facility in Pomona,

which houses the lab and offices
of 240 employees.

Miss Proctor,
could you slow down?

I understood every other word
you just said.

So, the facility

can be zoned for mixed use

and, thereby, be covered

under the light industrial

zoning provisions.

And that is all, Your Honor.

Sorry.

Sorry. That is

all... sir.

(exhales)

Miss Proctor, just going
through your paperwork here

and I don't see
an esquire behind your name.

Um...

Uh...

You're not an attorney, are you?

Um...

Then who are you, Miss Proctor?

Um...

REBECCA:
Who... am I?

Yes, we've asked you
three times now.

Right, right, um...
but it's hard because I've been

trying to figure
that out myself.

Um...

I think what you're asking is,

uh, do I deserve...

to be Miss Douche?

This morning, I didn't think so.

No, I, um...
I'm only here because

because of my friend, Heather.

She's right there, yeah.

She reminded me of why
I entered this contest

in the first place, which

was to show the world
that I'm okay.

But I'm not okay.

No, um...

the truth is I'm heartbroken.

And if you'd like proof of this,

you can see my, um...
as YouTube calls it,

"Crazy Lady 911 Phone Call"

all over the Internet.

Wow.

(sighs)

I don't deserve
to be Miss Douche.

I-I don't.

I-I'm not, like, chill

and cool... I'm just, I'm not.

You should find someone
who's like that,

like my friend, Heather.

She's like that, but I'm...

I'm not, so, um...

peace and love. Ugh.

You can turn off the spotlight.

You don't need...

Really, please, don't.

Ple... can you
just put it...?

Okay.

Wow.

So...

who-who are you?

Um...

I'm a student.

Okay.

You caught me.

I am not a lawyer.

I wanted to be one.

I was even gonna go
back to school.

Yeah. Um, but that's, um...

that's not gonna work out
for me.

But, um, listen, I... I did work
really hard on this case, sir.

I even let my husband serve

raw poultry to me
and my children, okay?

I wrote a hundred page brief.

It is really good and it
supports everything I just said,

so if you could,
if you could just read it...

please.

I already did.

And you're right,
you did a great job.

Better than most
lawyers that appear

before this board.

Most of them
just phone it in.

I'm going to grant
your petition.

Well done.

Thank you.

If you ask me, you'd make
a damn good attorney.

Paula Proctor,
Esquire.

It's got a nice ring to it,
doesn't it?

(door opens and closes)

(exhales)

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I just... I wanted you guys
to be proud of me.

You participated.

You should get some sort

of certificate for that.

At least a ribbon,
if not a trophy.

That's a great
idea, honey.

We'll stop and get you
a ribbon on the way home.

Home, yes, okay,
so, here's the thing, guys.

It's been so fun, but...

I think I need to move on.

But I-I'll still see
you around, I promise.

You're just saying that.

That's just a
thing people say.

No, no, I mean it.

Bring it in, Heathers.

Oh.
Come on.

At least we still
have Heather.

She'll need us

for the rest of her life.

Come on, honey.
Let's go home.

Um, no, sorry,
I'm moving out, too.

What?

Guys, I won.

Uh... sorry, what did you win?

I am Miss Douche.

It's so weird.

I won ten grand and a lifetime
supply of walnut bark douches.

You won something?!

Honey, she won something!

How is that even possible?!

And there's the problem...
right there.

Mom, Dad, I love you guys very
much, but you reward failure

and that's why I
still live at home.

Also, I like the neighborhood.

So many trees.

Come on, Rebecca,

let's go.

We have to start looking
for a place to live.

Wait, you want to live with me?

You've spent the last few days

insulting every one
of my decisions.

Yeah, exactly.

You need me... really badly.

but I don't have any credit,

so you're gonna have to cosign.

Hope you don't mind.

I have so many questions.

You feeling okay?

Yeah. Not too bad.

Doctor said you might need
to rest up for a bit.

I was gonna make you dinner
but, uh, I figured you've been

through enough today,
so I'm ordering pizza.

Oh... you are the best.

(chuckles)
Thank you.

(doorbell rings)
BRENDAN:
Mom, I'll get it

since you just had an abortion!

You're a good son, Brendan!

I love you,
Paula Proctor, Esquire.

I love you, too, honey.

BRENDAN: Mom!

It's Rebecca!

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, wow.

Oh, Go... thank God,
you're not blonde.

I thought you liked it.

Yeah, oh, no, I kind of did.

I did. It's just...

oh, it just wasn't you.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

So, Darryl said
you called in sick.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

Look, I know something's
been up with you lately

and I want to know what it is.

Really, I mean it this time.

I just...

You know, I had a thing.

I figured it out.

It's... I'm just so happy
to see you.

Oh, God, you-you just,
you seem so much better.

Yeah.

You know, I realized that
I was trying to change

my outside instead of my inside.

I mean, it's exactly what I did
with Josh and Greg, you know,

letting outside relationships
define me.

And I'm... I'm not gonna
do that anymore.

Well, that is very wise,
my dear.

I know Josh and I
shouldn't be together.

And I know that Greg's
in a better place.

Atlanta. He didn't die.

Um...
I know that...

but I just wish I could stop
thinking about him...

...and I think I know how.

Hello?

Anyone here?

Greg?

Ghost Greg?

Am I just talking to myself?

Great, I hate that.

(sighs)

GREG: Hey.

Hey.

You're still here.

Because you're still
thinking about me.

Right.

So, about that...

I need you to go.

Um, I did.

I got on a plane.

No, I mean imaginary you.

I need you to stop haunting me.

I need you to get out
of my head.

I understand why you had
to leave West Covina and...

someday I will be happy for you.

But... just for now...

I need you to leave here...

and here.

But I can stay with you,
so when you see tacos

or you watch the dog show,
you'll think of me.

No, I don't want that anymore.

I need to move on.

We have to say good-bye.

Are you sure?

Good-bye, Greg.

Good-bye, house.

HEATHER:
To letting go of the past.

To letting go
of the past.

Good-bye to my parents
and your terrible boyfriends.

Right. Although, you
did also date Greg.

Meh.
All right, what do you
think of this house?

It's 50 thousand a month
and it's in Bel Air.

But it has a bowling alley.

Hmm... no.

Okay, never mind, it doesn't
matter what house we live in.

We're gonna have so much fun,
roomie.

(chuckles)
Oh, yeah.

Antics will be had.

Oh, no, I don't antic.

Come on.
No.

OMG, sorry, for a second,
I thought that person

housing that donut
over there was Valencia.

What? No. Valencia
would never eat a...

Oh, my God,
it's Valencia.

Run, run, run.

Uh, run. Run.

Hi, Valencia.