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Previously on
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
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00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,474
Neither man is actually
offering you a relationship.
3
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:07,708
Is it neither or kind of both?
4
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:08,742
GREG:
You sold our house?
5
00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:09,843
I'm giving you half the money.
6
00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:13,081
So you can go to school.
Y-Your dream school, Emory.
7
00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:15,249
I can't just pick up
and move across the country
8
00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:16,717
out of nowhere, I'm not crazy.
9
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:17,751
This is just a fight,
this is a fight.
10
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:19,053
All couples fight.
No,
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00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,621
we're not a couple, Rebecca.
12
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:21,555
REBECCA:
And it's about me and Greg.
13
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:22,590
I mean, him and me
getting together,
14
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,392
it's the most obvious thing
in the world.
15
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,360
What?
16
00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:28,296
Wait, wait, wait!
17
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:31,332
Wait! What happened?
Where are you going?
18
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,267
I am applying to law school!
19
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:34,602
I don't want to know.
20
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,604
DARRYL:
You start this semester.
21
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:37,738
Nothing can stop you, Paula.
22
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:39,373
Not anymore.
23
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,142
I was gonna spread my wings
and fly.
24
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:43,377
I'm so stupid.
25
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,246
Greg, wait, wait!
26
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,115
Wait!
27
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,782
What happened?
Where are you going?
28
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:51,619
To Emory.
29
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,287
Finally.
What?
30
00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:56,790
But Greg-- Greg, you and I
were gonna start over.
31
00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:58,559
Me seeing you on that bridge,
32
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,161
that was a sign.
33
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,829
That we should be together.
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00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:04,532
I want to believe that.
35
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:05,833
I do.
36
00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:07,701
But that's not how life works.
37
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:08,736
Rebecca,
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00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,205
there are no signs.
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00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,207
Life doesn't happen to you.
40
00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:15,676
You make decisions.
41
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:19,647
And right now, I'm deciding to
move forward with my life.
42
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,886
But you can't deny
our feelings for each other.
43
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:29,890
You and I have had
some great moments together.
44
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,559
Some of the best of my life.
45
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,229
But in between that,
46
00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:37,431
it got confusing and hard,
47
00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:39,567
and bad for both of us.
48
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,603
So you were just gonna leave
without saying goodbye to me?
49
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,905
I couldn't say goodbye.
50
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,241
If I did, I would never leave.
51
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:49,377
So that means you love me.
52
00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:51,812
Of course I love you.
53
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:56,684
* I love you, yes
54
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,886
* And I'll confess
55
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:03,591
* The thought of staying
is so enticing *
56
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:04,592
Then stay.
57
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,295
* And when you speak
58
00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:10,398
* My knees get weak
59
00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:15,203
* I can't believe what
I'm sacrificing *
60
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:18,806
* But let's get real
61
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:22,310
* We know the deal
62
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,445
* So darling
63
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,714
* Let's not tiptoe
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00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:29,717
* This thing we had
65
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:32,453
* Was not just bad
66
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,456
* It was a (bleep) show
67
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,558
Greg, come on,
it wasn't exactly...
68
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:38,892
Shh, let me finish.
69
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,763
* We can't undo
70
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:45,733
* Can't make amends
71
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:51,439
* Dysfunction
is our lingua franca *
72
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,774
* We can't unscrew
73
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:56,977
* Each other's friends
74
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:59,513
* We're Jerry Springer *
75
00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:01,615
* Not Casablanca *
76
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:05,386
* There's hard to get
77
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,621
* Then there's neglect
78
00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:10,258
* To say it's fate
79
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:13,294
* You'd have to be a bit slow
80
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:16,664
* Not to be crass
81
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,267
* But this sucked ass
82
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:23,304
* This was a (bleep) show
83
00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:25,506
* Chernobyl next to us
84
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,974
* Looks like a campfire
85
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:28,809
Okay, I-I get it. I get it.
86
00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,878
* Hurricane Katrina
87
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:34,248
* Was just bad weather
88
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:36,884
* We have chemistry of course
89
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:39,987
* But that's a formula
for divorce *
90
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,656
* A play about pieces of feces
91
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:47,861
* Is what we are together
92
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,663
But Greg...
93
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:52,433
* Oh, what the hell
94
00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:54,368
* Let's get a hotel
95
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,870
* 'Cause life is short
96
00:03:56,904 --> 00:04:00,741
* And we're not
getting any younger *
97
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,377
* But after sex
98
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:06,680
* What happens next
99
00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:08,916
* I mean in the long run
100
00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:11,919
* Not just fatigue
and hunger *
101
00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:14,822
* And when you say
102
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,958
* That I should stay
103
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:22,830
* That's exactly when
I should split *
104
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:26,434
* Though I won't forget
105
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:31,038
* I won't regret
106
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,941
* This beautiful,
heart stopping *
107
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:37,345
* Breathtaking,
life-changing. *
108
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:43,717
(instrumental music continues)
109
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,476
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
110
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,478
And TOYOTA.
111
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,413
(sniffles)
112
00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,817
PAULA:
Here's some tea, doll.
113
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:20,821
What's wrong with me?
114
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,525
Why doesn't anyone want me?
115
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,928
Josh dumped me and then...
116
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:29,963
and then Greg abandoned me.
117
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,366
Okay, that is not
the situation...
118
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,367
Yes, it is!
119
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:36,370
He left and he
called our relationship feces.
120
00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:37,705
Okay, well maybe he didn't,
121
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,573
you know, use the best words,
122
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:40,974
but I mean, that's why
he's going back to school.
123
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,643
And,
124
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,078
I'm sorry, but you guys are
not good for each other.
125
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:46,980
He needed to move on and...
126
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,383
good for him for
taking that step.
127
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:50,651
(sniffles)
128
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,786
I hope he dies.
129
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,523
If he ever comes back,
I'm just gonna be like, "Die!"
130
00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,791
Okay, let it-- let it go.
131
00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:58,926
Let Greg go.
132
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,828
Just let both of them go.
133
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:05,098
I don't know who I am
without them.
134
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:06,667
I know that's pathetic.
135
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,936
I know it's pathetic,
but it's true.
136
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,939
Who am I supposed to be now?
137
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,775
Honey, be yourself.
138
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,109
What?!
139
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:17,611
Who? No!
140
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:18,779
Ew.
141
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,514
Ugh. Who wants to be that?
142
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,484
Paula, you just
don't understand.
143
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,185
You don't know what it's like
to be at a crossroads,
144
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:28,556
and not know what to do next.
145
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,592
You're right, honey.
146
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,161
I don't.
147
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,200
ANNOUNCER (on TV):
...with it now
148
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,169
across the centerline as
the defense settles in...
149
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:45,673
Turn the TV down! I can't think!
150
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,909
Mom, I'm starving.
151
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,644
(refrigerator opens)
We just had dinner.
152
00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:51,645
Babe, do we have stamps?
153
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,081
I don't know, did you buy them?
154
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:55,616
(refrigerator closes)
155
00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,419
Mmm.
156
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:02,690
Ma, don't wake me up
in the morning.
157
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,558
I can sleep in.
I got suspended.
158
00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:05,693
Not my fault.
159
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:06,594
I was playing with my lighter
160
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,061
and some kid got his book
in my fire.
161
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,633
Brendan, I am so
disappointed in you.
162
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:15,869
Put that on some bread.
163
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,004
(sighs)
164
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:24,678
He gets suspended and you yell
at him for eating naked cheese?
165
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,482
You're in that mood, huh?
166
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:30,183
You-you want a chardonnay?
167
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:32,152
You know I can't.
Oh, it won't hurt.
168
00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,154
You're only a little
bit pregnant.
169
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:37,758
Oh, right, 'cause we only had a
little bit of intercourse.
170
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,761
You, uh, sure you
want another baby?
171
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,663
There are options, you know.
172
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,798
We just won't mention
it to Father Brah
173
00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:45,599
and he won't tell God.
174
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,801
Scott, I am a married
mother of two.
175
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,269
Okay, those options
are for teenagers
176
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,739
the month after
winter formal.
177
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,641
You know who I think you
should talk to? Rebecca.
178
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:54,775
She's young.
179
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,276
I bet she's had tons of options.
180
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,212
(scoffs) Rebecca is the
last person I want to tell.
181
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,181
Well, when I let her know that
I'm not going to law school
182
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:03,851
because I'm having this baby,
I mean, she's--
183
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,719
she's not gonna understand.
184
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:06,954
She is your best friend.
185
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,557
Well, I don't want
to burden her.
186
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:12,826
I mean, she's recovering from
not one, but two breakups.
187
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,162
So...
188
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,830
(scrubbing)
189
00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:17,831
Okay.
190
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,299
I'm gonna move on.
191
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,268
Yeah. I'm gonna move on,
just like Paula said.
192
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:24,572
I'm gonna figure out who I am
193
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:27,541
and scrub these men
out of my life.
194
00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:29,677
Are you sure
you want do that?
195
00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:30,944
Greg?
196
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,312
Greg, I knew you
wouldn't leave me.
197
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,681
I knew you'd come back!
198
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:34,682
Of course I did.
199
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:35,983
I could never leave you.
200
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:36,950
And I'm here, too.
201
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:38,852
What?
202
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,688
BOTH: We will never
leave you, Rebecca.
203
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,122
Never.
204
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,857
Great.
205
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:46,594
Ghosts.
(sighs)
206
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,901
No, no, I know what you
guys are. You're dream ghosts.
207
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,002
What? No.
208
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,303
Dream ghosts are lame.
209
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,671
So lame.
210
00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,072
We're memory spirits.
211
00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:00,540
Coined it!
Oh, nice, dude.
212
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:02,976
I pitched ex-ray visions,
213
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:04,878
but we're not named Ray, so...
214
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:05,679
(Greg sighs)
215
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,014
Memory spirits are
old boyfriends
216
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,148
who haunt their exes.
217
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,883
We are polter-guys.
218
00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:10,984
What?
219
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:11,985
(chuckling):
Coined that, too.
220
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:12,986
Dude, that's awesome.
221
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,121
(groans)
Okay,
222
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,223
I guess scrubbing you
out of my life wasn't enough.
223
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,725
I need to sweep you out.
224
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:18,759
Where's my broom?
225
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:19,727
You can't sweep us out.
226
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:20,661
We're everywhere.
227
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:22,129
This house is filled with
memories of us.
228
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,163
Remember?
229
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,701
* I banged you here
230
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,369
* I nailed you there
231
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,304
* And on this couch
* And in this chair
232
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:32,773
* In the doorway
* The hallway
233
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,174
* On every stair
234
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:36,644
BOTH: * We tapped that ass
all over this house *
235
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:38,612
(tapping)
236
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:42,149
* Sometimes him,
sometimes me *
237
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,918
* Though never simultaneously
238
00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:47,254
* But one of us was
hitting it usually *
239
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:49,322
BOTH: * We tapped that ass
all over this house *
240
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:52,760
(tapping)
241
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,763
* You'll never escape us
242
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,330
* 'Cause we live in your head
243
00:09:57,364 --> 00:10:00,768
* Just two swell dudes
that you screwed *
244
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:01,902
* Here
* And here
245
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,070
* And there
* And here
246
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,773
* And even occasionally
in your bed *
247
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,941
That bed is really
uncomfortable.
Right?
248
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,409
It's like a prison cot.
249
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,410
* On the stove
250
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,079
* Over the sink
251
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,080
* And sort of in the fridge
252
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,915
* One time I think
253
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,050
* And then we hit
the back patio *
254
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:20,020
* That's where we hit
your back patio-oh! *
255
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,790
* We tapped that ass
all over this house *
256
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,761
* How many times did we
tap that behind? *
257
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,797
* Well, let's estimate
258
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,799
* On an average day
259
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:33,967
* I would have to say
260
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,003
Mmm... * A five,
six, seven, eight *
261
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:44,077
What?
Too cheeky?
262
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,179
Hey, does this ring a bell?
263
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:47,447
(high-pitched):
A little to the left.
264
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,849
(high-pitched):
Oh, oh, okay, now,
265
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:50,050
a little to the right.
266
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,184
Oh, oh, wait, wait,
267
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,120
back to the left.
268
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:56,356
Right there, right there.
JOSH:
Wait, no,
269
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,391
you're doing it wrong.
I'll do it myself.
270
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,997
Barkeep, what's on tap?
271
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,899
It's me.
And my ass.
272
00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,134
Ooh!
273
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,702
Sounds refreshing.
274
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:14,141
* On the table you
were willing and able *
275
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,910
* On the ottoman,
you took a lotta man *
276
00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:18,411
* And on the safe
in the closet *
277
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:20,447
* I made a deposit
278
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:24,317
* I also tapped that ass all
over this house *
279
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,921
Let's wrap this up
with a big finish!
280
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,824
But where should we finish?
281
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:31,925
Please not on my chest.
282
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:35,929
No, you'll scratch it.
283
00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:38,165
* On the accent wall
284
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,900
* On the bathroom floor
285
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,202
* You didn't care where
* You just wanted more
286
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:45,038
BOTH: * How much more tappin'
could one ass endure? *
287
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,339
* We tapped that ass
288
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,775
* Tapped that ass *
289
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:49,176
* Tapped that ass
290
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,310
* Tapped that ass *
291
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,112
* We tapped that ass
292
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:57,117
* All over this house!
293
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,819
Goodbye, Josh.
294
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:00,788
Goodbye, Greg.
295
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,956
Adios, Josh.
296
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:05,759
Fare-thee-well, Gregorino.
297
00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:07,494
Mm-hmm.
298
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,929
Hmm.
299
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,801
Mm.
300
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,944
(sirens wailing)
301
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,914
(knocks on door)
302
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:29,382
Oh, good, you're up.
Okay, so,
303
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,786
(voice breaking): can I sleep
here tonight, please?
304
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:42,062
(groans)
305
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,430
Oh, my God, that was you?
306
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:44,932
You lit the fire?
307
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,800
No, no, no, okay,
so I was trying to burn
308
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:49,236
some ex-boyfriend memorabilia.
309
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,570
And it was all an accident.
310
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,106
Well, not the fire,
but the fire!
311
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,876
Ah, well, you could've burned
down the whole complex.
312
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:59,446
I was gonna run out and see it,
but then I was tired.
Okay,
313
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,348
so, I'm tired
too, so I'll just...
314
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:02,816
I'll just-I'll
just sleep here, yeah?
315
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:03,851
MRS. DAVIS:
Heather?
316
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:06,119
Is everything okay?
317
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,421
Oh, hello, hi.
318
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,257
Who are you?
Heather, I thought
319
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,860
you lived alone.
What? No, I live
with my parents.
320
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,161
You know that.
321
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:15,395
I do?
322
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,130
You've met them.
323
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:18,298
I have?
324
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,100
Your parking spot
is next to mine.
325
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,401
And I was the one who
kept getting
326
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,403
your Playbill Magazine,
remember?
327
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,405
And you keep scraping
the side of my car?
328
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:28,408
(robot voice): Mm. Searching
database for facial recognition.
329
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:32,012
Beep, beep, beep,
eh, matches not found.
330
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:34,381
(laughter)
Don't be weird.
331
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:37,284
I'm so sorry to wake you,
Mr. and Mrs. Heather.
332
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,518
Davis.
My last name's Davis.
333
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,887
What's wrong with you?
334
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,554
I was in a fire.
335
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,290
(crying):
It was so scary.
336
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:46,526
Oh, thank you.
HEATHER:
Aw. No.
337
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,161
It's okay.
I mean...
338
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:51,398
Ugh. Okay, Mom, Dad, can
Rebecca crash on the sofa,
339
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:52,599
or whatever?
340
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:55,035
Of course, I'll go
get a blanket.
341
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:57,537
And I make some mean pancakes,
Heather will tell you.
342
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,873
Oh, well, good,
I-I am kind of hungry.
343
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:03,210
Well, I was thinking more
breakfast, but sure, why not?
344
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,611
Guys, it's 2:00 a.m.
345
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:07,080
Which means it's morning.
Dad...
346
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:10,083
Heather, your parents
are so nice.
347
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:12,485
(drawn-out groan)
Yeah.
348
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:13,954
Do you want strawberry cat ears,
349
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,423
or blueberry smiles
on those flapjacks?
350
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:19,159
Get out of my head, you angel.
351
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,961
Both, I'll take both!
352
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,596
(inhales deeply and sniffs)
353
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,468
Where is she?
354
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:29,536
She went to work, dear.
355
00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,271
She borrowed some of my clothes.
356
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:32,940
Why, what's wrong?
357
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,175
This.
358
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:38,311
Photo credit, the jerk in 7B.
(phone beeps)
359
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:39,546
DISPATCH:
911, what is your emergency?
360
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,114
REBECCA:
Well, I was in a love triangle
361
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,649
with two best friends
named Josh and Greg
362
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:43,917
and they both rejected me,
so I tried to light a fire
363
00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:45,218
and burn all their stuff
364
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,586
and it's so smoky in here
and I'm so sad.
365
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,155
Hold on, I have to poo.
366
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,456
DISPATCH: Ma'am, is there a fire
in your house?
367
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,324
Don't go into your bathroom.
368
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:53,560
REBECCA: Okay, I'll poo outside.
What is your name, Ma'am?
369
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,595
My name is Rebecca Nora Bunch
from West Covina.
370
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:58,431
(groans) I'm in the backyard and
I got poo on my shoes. Hurry.
371
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,133
(elevator dings)
372
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,711
What?
373
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,314
Are you okay?
374
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,949
Oh, you must be so humiliated.
375
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,117
KAREN:
If I were you,
376
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,485
I would start
working on an alias.
377
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:21,354
Karen, I'm totally fine.
378
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:25,258
Mine would be Eva Longoria.
What?
379
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,659
That's already someone.
380
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:29,296
Is it?
381
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,000
REBECCA: (groans)
I'm in the backyard and I got
382
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,034
poo on my shoes. Hurry.
383
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:39,739
(mouse click)
384
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,141
(mouse click)
DISPATCH:
911, was it your emergency?
385
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,342
Okay, no, enough of this,
386
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,743
we're not watching this anymore.
387
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,346
Okay, this is gonna blow over
in, like, two seconds.
388
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,381
What are you wearing,
by the way?
389
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:51,351
Mm, it's
Heather's mom's clothes.
390
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,553
I can't go back to my apartment,
like, ever.
391
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,155
It's okay, I'll go to your
apartment and get your things.
392
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,389
Memory spirits will not mess
393
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:57,690
with Mama Paula.
394
00:15:57,724 --> 00:16:01,528
(moans)
Thank you.
Okay. (chuckles)
395
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,563
(sighs)
396
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:07,434
You don't think that many
people saw this, do you?
397
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,036
Uh...
398
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:12,372
Like, like, Josh and Greg
haven't seen it.
399
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:15,042
No, no.
400
00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:19,046
No, no, no, I don't think
anybody sent it to them.
401
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:22,215
Hey, forget me, forget this,
what-what's new with you?
402
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:25,118
Me?
Uh, nothing.
403
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:26,586
Are you sure?
Because you've seemed a little
404
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:27,754
I don't know, distracted lately,
405
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:29,356
and I want to be a good friend.
406
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,058
Tell me, I'm a good listener.
407
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,192
(crying):
I'm a good listener.
408
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:33,593
So just tell me!
409
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:37,464
Okay. Babe, why don't
you go home,
410
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,766
and take like a...
personal disaster day
411
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:42,202
No, no, I want to
be in the meeting!
412
00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:43,803
Okay, are you sure?
413
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,539
'Cause it's a douche company
and Karen's gonna be there
414
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:48,741
just talking all about
her vagina.
415
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,477
and we're just gonna be
throwing up.
416
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,113
No, no, it'll make me
feel better to work.
417
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:57,617
And plus, I want to prove
to everyone that I'm okay.
418
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:59,419
DARRYL:
Okay!
419
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:01,621
Is everybody ready
to get their douche on?
420
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:03,490
(laughs)
421
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,258
Oh.
422
00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:06,559
I am so sorry if I offended.
423
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,161
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That was just...
424
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,563
I am not offended by
the word "douche" at all.
425
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,099
(chuckles)
No.
Oh.
426
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:14,467
At Miss Douche, we
are very proud of our products
427
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,236
and everything
they do for women.
428
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,071
No, we're honored
the women entrust us
429
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,440
with the care and cleanliness
of their special parts.
430
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:21,641
(shudders)
431
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:24,177
Personally, I am a fan.
432
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:26,246
I've been using your products
for years.
433
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,414
Would you sign my box?
434
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:28,415
Her douche box.
435
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,150
Maybe later.
436
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:32,485
Look, we-we want to reclaim
the word "douche."
437
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:33,686
We think it could be
the cornerstone
438
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,255
of female empowerment.
439
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:37,257
Empowerment?
440
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:40,227
Well, yes! We know that our
company's image is retro
441
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:42,395
and that's why
we're re-branding.
442
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,131
We're moving into
new market places,
443
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,865
we're redefining ourselves.
444
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,800
Hence the new facility in Pomona
you're working on.
445
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,203
Yeah, new headquarters,
new image, new us.
446
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,404
We are starting over.
447
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:52,605
Starting over, yeah.
448
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,207
Yeah, our name and image
449
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,276
are a liability, we get that,
you know.
450
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:57,844
People sometimes laugh,
451
00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:01,281
they childishly giggle at us.
452
00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:04,517
Let alone all the anti-douching
research funded by Big Vagina.
453
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,653
Nothing worse than Big Vagina.
454
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,255
Oh, amen.
455
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,423
No, but when I am done
with this re-branding,
456
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:11,791
no one will laugh at me.
457
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:15,328
I mean, us... anymore.
(chuckles)
458
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,834
You know, um, you know,
re-branding,
459
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:24,137
you were talking about that,
and I'm so fascinated by that
460
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:25,338
from a business perspective.
Oh.
461
00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:27,707
Tell me, how does a person
or a business
462
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:29,309
completely change
their entire identity
463
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,577
so that everyone forgets
what they were like before?
464
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,811
Well, for us,
465
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,480
it starts with a
new marketing push.
466
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,315
We're launching a
new Miss Douche logo.
467
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,717
So instead of an illustration,
she'll be a real woman,
468
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:39,552
flesh and blood.
469
00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,588
Probably should not mention
blood when I'm pitching it.
470
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:42,855
Anyway, we're
looking for her now.
471
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,724
How are you doing that?
472
00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:46,459
Oh, it's a grass
roots viral campaign.
473
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:48,495
So, the contestants send
their photos to us on Instagram.
474
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,497
The five with the most
likes become the finalists,
475
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,600
and then we pick the winner.
Oh, God,
476
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,335
When the world sees
the new Miss Douche
477
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:57,704
on-on a billboard,
a pop-up ad or on TV,
478
00:18:57,737 --> 00:19:00,373
they're just gonna say, "Wow,
look at that new Miss Douche!
479
00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:03,243
(elevator dings)
She really has her act
together."
480
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:12,585
Paula, Paula, can
you do all the research
481
00:19:12,619 --> 00:19:14,221
for the permitting
for Trina's case?
482
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,922
I need you to pull
blueprints,
483
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,324
file motions,
set hearings--
484
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,325
Uh-Uh, I can't do
those things.
485
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,227
I'm not a lawyer.
486
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:21,328
Oh, but you basically are.
487
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:22,895
And you're the only person
488
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,297
I would trust
to take this over.
489
00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:25,465
Listen, I have to
recuse myself
490
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,966
from the case.
491
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,836
I have a conflict
of interest.
492
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,304
What are you talking about?
493
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,873
Paula, I need to
become a douche.
494
00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:38,177
Miss Douche!
495
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:45,652
Ow!
This Miss Douche case
496
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,488
is so complicated.
497
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,458
Look at us, dividing up
our domestic duties.
498
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,926
Are you cooking or
doing inventory?
499
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,896
I'm making
bacon-wrapped chicken,
500
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:59,332
and, uh...
it's hard.
501
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,500
Babe, I see what
you're doing here,
502
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,470
and I-I really
appreciate it.
503
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,738
You're trying to show me
that I can go to law school
504
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:08,941
and have a baby, and that
our lives can still work.
505
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:12,279
Exactly. See, I'm crushing it.
506
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,447
(chuckles)
507
00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:17,884
Tommy, Brendan, dinner.
508
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,854
Tommy!
509
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,291
Tommy!
Where the hell is Tommy?
510
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,293
I'm gonna count
to three, young man.
511
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,694
Don't let me
get to three!
512
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,296
One, two...
513
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:30,930
Oh, I completely forgot
to pick up Tommy. Shoot!
514
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:34,701
Uh, Brendan,
go get Tommy.
515
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,703
My license is
suspended again.
516
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:37,770
Just go get him.
517
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,406
Uh, take the back roads.
518
00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:45,912
So I, uh...
I need a little practice
519
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:48,315
in the domestic arts,
but I'll get there.
520
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,682
Honey, I'm gonna call
the law school tomorrow
521
00:20:49,716 --> 00:20:51,284
and tell them
that I can't go.
522
00:20:51,318 --> 00:20:53,853
We are overwhelmed
on our best day.
523
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:56,856
And we cannot add
a baby and law school
524
00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:58,891
to this.
525
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,628
But you love law,
and you're good at it.
526
00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,696
And you have the perfect name
for a lawyer--
527
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:05,565
Paula Proctor, Esquire.
528
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,334
The only better job
would be--
529
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,402
Paula Proctor, Doctor.
Stop it.
530
00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:12,439
We have made a decision,
531
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,774
and we need to
stop talking about it.
532
00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:20,613
Now let's eat around
some chicken.
533
00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:22,549
*
534
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:24,317
(dog barking in distance)
535
00:21:24,351 --> 00:21:25,752
So, it's a contest
(crunches)
536
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,854
to see who will be
the new Miss Douche!
537
00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:30,857
Ooh, a contest. Wonderful!
I love Miss Douche.
538
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:33,860
It's been around since I was
a kid. My mother used it!
539
00:21:33,893 --> 00:21:35,828
She always smelled like a salad.
540
00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:37,997
Exactly!
Ew. This whole
thing is dumb.
541
00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:40,900
The only thing grosser than
a douche is an internet contest.
542
00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:43,870
Heather, I need to do this,
okay? I need to re-brand.
543
00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:46,773
My 9-1-1 video is up
to 10,000 hits,
544
00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,908
and everyone I've ever met is
now texting me, saying things
545
00:21:48,941 --> 00:21:51,378
like, "Are you okay?
I saw the video."
546
00:21:51,411 --> 00:21:53,112
I need to change the narrative.
547
00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:54,981
If I'm Miss Douche,
548
00:21:55,014 --> 00:21:57,617
then everyone will know
that I'm okay. Everyone.
549
00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,852
Josh and Greg and Audra Levine
550
00:21:59,886 --> 00:22:02,054
and my mother,
my garbage father... everybody!
551
00:22:02,088 --> 00:22:04,657
So you want everyone
to see you as a douche.
552
00:22:04,691 --> 00:22:06,926
(gasps)
MRS. DAVIS: Honey, you're
not being supportive.
553
00:22:06,959 --> 00:22:08,961
I'm repeating what she said.
Okay,
554
00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:10,430
so let's see who
has the most likes.
555
00:22:10,463 --> 00:22:11,931
Help me scope out the competish.
556
00:22:11,964 --> 00:22:12,865
Okay.
So, these are
557
00:22:12,899 --> 00:22:14,934
the girls who have
the most likes so far.
558
00:22:14,967 --> 00:22:16,969
Okay...
559
00:22:17,003 --> 00:22:18,838
And... all right.
560
00:22:18,871 --> 00:22:21,340
Okay, there's that girl...
561
00:22:24,777 --> 00:22:26,679
Mm-hmm. This is not for you.
562
00:22:26,713 --> 00:22:28,415
What do you mean?
They all look like
563
00:22:28,448 --> 00:22:31,083
gorgeous mermaids who grew feet
and went to Coachella.
564
00:22:31,117 --> 00:22:32,952
Oh, I could look like that.
Sure, if you had
565
00:22:32,985 --> 00:22:34,687
five years,
a team of professionals
566
00:22:34,721 --> 00:22:35,988
and different DNA.
567
00:22:36,022 --> 00:22:37,557
MRS. DAVIS: Honey,
that's not nice.
568
00:22:37,590 --> 00:22:38,725
Heather.
569
00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:40,593
You are smart, but wrong.
570
00:22:40,627 --> 00:22:41,861
I can look like that.
571
00:22:41,894 --> 00:22:43,362
All I need is one thing.
572
00:22:44,997 --> 00:22:48,401
I need what every girl
needs after a breakups.
573
00:22:49,902 --> 00:22:51,103
A makeover!
MR. AND MRS. DAVIS: Oh!
574
00:22:51,137 --> 00:22:52,439
Cue the song!
575
00:22:52,472 --> 00:22:54,441
Oh, you're right!
576
00:22:54,474 --> 00:22:56,042
* She needs a makeover
577
00:22:56,075 --> 00:22:57,744
* A makeover, a makeover
MR. DAVIS:
Hey!
578
00:22:57,777 --> 00:22:59,646
Mom, no. Mom. No.
579
00:22:59,679 --> 00:23:01,514
It's something like... No, it's
something like, that's what I...
580
00:23:01,548 --> 00:23:03,483
it's kind of something
like that, in my head.
581
00:23:03,516 --> 00:23:04,884
*
582
00:23:12,191 --> 00:23:15,528
* It's a make... over,
makey-makeover *
583
00:23:15,562 --> 00:23:18,865
* It's a makey-makey-makey-
makey-makey makeover *
584
00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:22,034
* Old you in the garbage,
new you in display case *
585
00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:25,071
* Old you was a diaper,
new you is a diamond *
586
00:23:25,104 --> 00:23:27,774
* Makeover,
it's a makey-makeover *
587
00:23:27,807 --> 00:23:31,177
* It's a makey-lakey-wakey-
fakey-bakey-makeover *
588
00:23:31,210 --> 00:23:32,845
* Process
589
00:23:32,879 --> 00:23:34,013
* Process
590
00:23:34,046 --> 00:23:37,450
* Reveal, reveal
591
00:23:37,484 --> 00:23:39,085
* Hairs, nailies
592
00:23:39,118 --> 00:23:40,687
* Sparkle magic horse
(horse neighs)
593
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,590
* Makeover,
it's a makey-makeover *
594
00:23:43,623 --> 00:23:46,793
* It's a makey-lakey-wakey-
fakey-bakey-cakey-rakey-nakey *
595
00:23:46,826 --> 00:23:48,094
* I had a stroke
596
00:23:48,127 --> 00:23:49,896
* I had a stroke
597
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:51,163
* I had a stroke
598
00:23:51,197 --> 00:23:52,499
* I had a stroke.
599
00:23:52,532 --> 00:23:54,033
(elevator dings)
600
00:23:54,066 --> 00:23:56,068
*
601
00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:09,649
Wow.
602
00:24:09,682 --> 00:24:11,951
Look at... you!
603
00:24:11,984 --> 00:24:14,687
I woke up like this.
(chuckles)
604
00:24:14,721 --> 00:24:16,222
So, I didn't really
wake up like this,
605
00:24:16,255 --> 00:24:18,190
but don't tell anybody, okay?
606
00:24:18,224 --> 00:24:20,459
Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
607
00:24:29,268 --> 00:24:31,771
Hey.
608
00:24:31,804 --> 00:24:34,974
Paula, I feel like you're
not vibing with my new vibe.
609
00:24:35,007 --> 00:24:36,509
I-It's great.
610
00:24:36,543 --> 00:24:37,510
(phone beeps)
611
00:24:37,544 --> 00:24:38,545
Okay.
612
00:24:38,578 --> 00:24:40,112
(unlocks iPhone)
613
00:24:40,146 --> 00:24:41,714
(gasps) Oh, my God!
Yes! Yes! Yes! I went
614
00:24:41,748 --> 00:24:44,717
so way up in likes!
I paid a bunch of bots
615
00:24:44,751 --> 00:24:46,519
to like my photos--
it only cost me five grand--
616
00:24:46,553 --> 00:24:49,188
and... (gasps) I'm in the
top ten for Miss Douche.
617
00:24:49,221 --> 00:24:50,690
Oh, my God, I'm so close.
618
00:24:50,723 --> 00:24:52,559
Okay. Honey, I know
that you are really sad
619
00:24:52,592 --> 00:24:54,226
that Josh and Greg...
dumped you,
620
00:24:54,260 --> 00:24:56,896
and you have done a classic
post-breakup makeover...
621
00:24:56,929 --> 00:25:00,299
Paula. You don't understand.
So, when I'm Miss Douche,
622
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:01,801
the entire world
is gonna see
623
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:04,203
how awesome
and effortless I now am.
624
00:25:04,236 --> 00:25:07,707
I mean, it only takes me
two hours to achieve this look.
625
00:25:07,740 --> 00:25:09,842
I mean, four
if I haven't had coffee.
Okay, well,
626
00:25:09,876 --> 00:25:12,178
this look...
is not going to bring
627
00:25:12,211 --> 00:25:14,313
either of them back.
I know that.
628
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:15,915
This isn't just
about Josh and Greg,
629
00:25:15,948 --> 00:25:17,850
this is about feeling good
about myself.
630
00:25:17,884 --> 00:25:19,819
I mean, I finally feel, Paula,
631
00:25:19,852 --> 00:25:22,622
like I've found the true,
authentic me.
632
00:25:22,655 --> 00:25:24,557
(laughs)
"Authentic." Yeah.
633
00:25:24,591 --> 00:25:27,059
So authentic that you stapled
horse hair to your head.
634
00:25:27,093 --> 00:25:29,562
Okay. You sound real stupid,
635
00:25:29,596 --> 00:25:31,030
because it's not
staples, it's glue.
636
00:25:31,063 --> 00:25:32,231
And it's not horse hair,
637
00:25:32,264 --> 00:25:34,567
it's dead people hair, so...
638
00:25:36,903 --> 00:25:39,038
Oops. Sorry.
639
00:25:39,071 --> 00:25:41,173
I... need some more glue.
640
00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:42,975
Not stapes, so...
641
00:25:43,009 --> 00:25:44,611
B.R.B.
642
00:25:47,847 --> 00:25:48,981
(exhales)
643
00:25:49,015 --> 00:25:51,584
(birds chirping)
644
00:25:51,618 --> 00:25:53,620
Mm...
645
00:26:03,963 --> 00:26:06,065
(exhales)
646
00:26:06,098 --> 00:26:08,100
Oh. Hey, Josh.
647
00:26:08,134 --> 00:26:11,070
Um... hello, Miss.
648
00:26:11,103 --> 00:26:13,272
No! Josh, Josh, it's-it's...
649
00:26:13,305 --> 00:26:14,974
It's me, it's Becks!
650
00:26:15,007 --> 00:26:16,976
Oh...
651
00:26:17,009 --> 00:26:19,011
Wow.
652
00:26:19,045 --> 00:26:20,379
Rebecca?
653
00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:22,615
You look so...
654
00:26:22,649 --> 00:26:24,150
So...
655
00:26:24,183 --> 00:26:26,619
Look at you!
I know,
656
00:26:26,653 --> 00:26:28,955
right? It's-it's great.
I'm doing this contest,
657
00:26:28,988 --> 00:26:31,758
and did you not see
my Instagram pic of my makeover?
658
00:26:31,791 --> 00:26:33,860
Said, hashtag "alwayshydrate"?
I mean,
659
00:26:33,893 --> 00:26:35,628
I haven't checked all the likes,
there are so many likes.
660
00:26:35,662 --> 00:26:37,296
So, I couldn't tell if...
if you were on there.
661
00:26:37,329 --> 00:26:39,298
Oh. I haven't been online
for a while.
662
00:26:39,331 --> 00:26:41,133
I'm on an internet cleanse.
I do it
663
00:26:41,167 --> 00:26:42,769
every once in a while.
Just... Sometimes,
664
00:26:42,802 --> 00:26:44,871
there's crazy stuff
online that...
665
00:26:44,904 --> 00:26:47,306
you know, bums me out,
you know what I mean?
666
00:26:47,339 --> 00:26:48,908
Josh, if you're talking
about that 9-1-1
667
00:26:48,941 --> 00:26:50,777
phone call, and the fire...
668
00:26:50,810 --> 00:26:52,411
You know, I've been meaning
to tell you, I wasn't
669
00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:54,380
screaming "Josh, Greg, Josh,
Greg," that wasn't about you,
670
00:26:54,413 --> 00:26:56,315
that was about
my good friend Josh Greg,
671
00:26:56,348 --> 00:26:58,751
with whom I went to both
Harvard and Yale, and he's
672
00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:02,054
in a really bad place,
'cause his cousin just died.
673
00:27:02,088 --> 00:27:03,656
What 9-1-1 call?
674
00:27:03,690 --> 00:27:05,324
I was talking about people
who post pictures
675
00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:07,660
of polar bears
on melting ice caps.
676
00:27:07,694 --> 00:27:08,795
What fire?
677
00:27:08,828 --> 00:27:11,063
Oh, so you didn't hear about...
678
00:27:11,097 --> 00:27:13,132
D-uh, uh, the... it's-it's...
oh, my gosh. It's a...
679
00:27:13,165 --> 00:27:16,068
it was... no, no, no.
It's noth... Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
And... and
680
00:27:16,102 --> 00:27:18,805
you're in a contest?
Is it a... costume contest?
681
00:27:18,838 --> 00:27:20,406
Is that why
you're wearing that...
682
00:27:20,439 --> 00:27:22,208
funny costume?
(chuckles softly)
683
00:27:22,241 --> 00:27:24,811
Uh, no. It's not a...
it's not a costume.
684
00:27:24,844 --> 00:27:27,113
This is...
um, this is how I dress now.
685
00:27:27,146 --> 00:27:29,415
This is my new... my look.
686
00:27:30,850 --> 00:27:32,685
Oh, s... uh.
687
00:27:32,719 --> 00:27:34,420
Rebecca. I'm sorry.
688
00:27:34,453 --> 00:27:36,689
No... Whatever you're going
through right now,
689
00:27:36,723 --> 00:27:38,357
uh... it'll get better.
690
00:27:38,390 --> 00:27:40,292
I promise.
691
00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:44,230
Okay, but it can't get better
when it's already the best.
692
00:27:44,263 --> 00:27:46,866
Take care, Rebecca.
693
00:27:46,899 --> 00:27:49,101
Cool. I don't need
taking care of, though, so...
694
00:27:49,135 --> 00:27:51,771
(sighs)
695
00:27:51,804 --> 00:27:53,806
*
696
00:27:56,408 --> 00:27:58,745
(groans)
Get up.
697
00:27:58,778 --> 00:28:00,012
Get up!
Mm!
698
00:28:00,046 --> 00:28:01,013
You've been sleeping for, like,
699
00:28:01,047 --> 00:28:02,749
two days!
Aah!
700
00:28:02,782 --> 00:28:05,284
Your expensive bots pushed
your likes over the edge.
701
00:28:05,317 --> 00:28:07,319
Dude, you made it
into the finals!
702
00:28:07,353 --> 00:28:10,823
So, like, get up
and go to your dumb contest.
703
00:28:10,857 --> 00:28:13,059
Try to be Miss
Douche, you idiot.
704
00:28:13,092 --> 00:28:14,193
Wait. I made it?
705
00:28:14,226 --> 00:28:15,962
Yeah.
Oh...
706
00:28:15,995 --> 00:28:19,065
Oh, yeah. I was
a pretty hot girl.
707
00:28:19,098 --> 00:28:22,101
No, it doesn't matter
'cause I give up.
What...
708
00:28:22,134 --> 00:28:24,837
You can't give up. You put in
all that stupid effort.
709
00:28:24,871 --> 00:28:26,272
Eh.
MR. DAVIS:
Rebecca.
710
00:28:26,305 --> 00:28:28,875
Here. I made something for you
711
00:28:28,908 --> 00:28:30,176
with a special cookie cutter
712
00:28:30,209 --> 00:28:32,111
and lots of love.
713
00:28:32,144 --> 00:28:33,512
Thank you, Mr. Heather.
714
00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:35,414
She's refusing to go
to her dumb contest.
715
00:28:35,447 --> 00:28:37,116
Tell her that she has to go.
716
00:28:37,149 --> 00:28:38,317
I don't know, honey.
717
00:28:38,350 --> 00:28:40,386
She really seems like
she wants to quit.
718
00:28:40,419 --> 00:28:41,888
MR. DAVIS:
Rebecca, sweetie,
719
00:28:41,921 --> 00:28:44,256
you don't have to do
anything you started.
720
00:28:44,290 --> 00:28:45,257
What...
Yay.
721
00:28:45,291 --> 00:28:46,392
No... What?
722
00:28:46,425 --> 00:28:48,828
She permanently
damaged her appearance
723
00:28:48,861 --> 00:28:50,462
and she needs to see
this thing through.
724
00:28:50,496 --> 00:28:52,498
We never made you
do that, honey.
725
00:28:52,531 --> 00:28:54,500
Yes. You tried a lot of
different things
726
00:28:54,533 --> 00:28:56,035
and we supported you
727
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:58,104
every time you wanted
to quit something.
728
00:28:58,137 --> 00:28:59,772
We still have all
the musical instruments
729
00:28:59,806 --> 00:29:01,307
you only played for a week.
730
00:29:01,340 --> 00:29:04,877
(moans) You guys are
talking so loud!
Okay,
731
00:29:04,911 --> 00:29:05,945
No. No...
732
00:29:05,978 --> 00:29:07,046
Get up!
No!
733
00:29:07,079 --> 00:29:08,915
You get up!
(whimpers)
734
00:29:08,948 --> 00:29:10,783
You wanted to show the world
you were okay after that
735
00:29:10,817 --> 00:29:12,919
embarrassing 9-1-1
video, so come on!
736
00:29:12,952 --> 00:29:14,286
Let's go!
(rips)
737
00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,322
That's disgusting.
738
00:29:16,355 --> 00:29:19,058
Girl, get your hair glue
and let's vámonos,
739
00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:21,160
which is the only word
I know in Spanish
740
00:29:21,193 --> 00:29:23,462
'cause I only took it
for a week.
741
00:29:23,495 --> 00:29:25,331
*
742
00:29:25,364 --> 00:29:27,066
ANNOUNCER:
Our next contestant
743
00:29:27,099 --> 00:29:30,069
is Melanie Muñoz
from Fort Lauderdale.
(applause)
744
00:29:35,207 --> 00:29:39,445
Miss Muños, do you yourself use
the Miss Douche product?
745
00:29:39,478 --> 00:29:42,048
Absolutely. Freshness
is so important to me.
746
00:29:42,081 --> 00:29:44,083
It gives me confidence
to go about my day,
747
00:29:44,116 --> 00:29:46,953
knowing I don't have
any unnecessary bacteria.
748
00:29:46,986 --> 00:29:49,188
So, I feel free and relaxed.
749
00:29:49,221 --> 00:29:51,323
And free.
(chuckles)
750
00:29:51,357 --> 00:29:53,192
(applause)
751
00:29:53,225 --> 00:29:55,094
ANNOUNCER:
Okay.
752
00:29:55,127 --> 00:29:56,362
Rebecca Bunch!
753
00:29:56,395 --> 00:29:58,831
(whooping, applause)
754
00:29:58,865 --> 00:30:00,132
(whoops)
755
00:30:03,402 --> 00:30:04,370
(sighs)
756
00:30:04,403 --> 00:30:06,238
Well, Miss Bunch.
757
00:30:06,272 --> 00:30:08,007
We at Miss Douche
were surprised
758
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:09,842
to see you enter
this competition,
759
00:30:09,876 --> 00:30:11,978
knowing you and...
and knowing your background.
760
00:30:12,011 --> 00:30:15,848
(laughs) You are a most
unusual candidate.
761
00:30:15,882 --> 00:30:19,418
An Ivy League education,
a fulltime career, and yet,
762
00:30:19,451 --> 00:30:23,089
you still say you have time
to be a, um...
763
00:30:23,122 --> 00:30:27,026
"Mad chill SoCal sun soaker!"
764
00:30:27,059 --> 00:30:28,995
Yes.
765
00:30:29,028 --> 00:30:30,296
Um.
766
00:30:30,329 --> 00:30:33,165
Well... I would say...
767
00:30:33,199 --> 00:30:36,002
that I try to be
everything a modern woman
768
00:30:36,035 --> 00:30:38,570
should aspire to be. Um...
769
00:30:38,604 --> 00:30:40,406
Sort of a... a cross
between Beyoncé
770
00:30:40,439 --> 00:30:43,009
and Sheryl Sandberg.
Well.
771
00:30:43,042 --> 00:30:45,544
Well, we want to know
more about the real you.
772
00:30:45,577 --> 00:30:47,046
What... what drives you?
773
00:30:47,079 --> 00:30:49,448
Well, I guess what
I'm saying is...
774
00:30:50,449 --> 00:30:53,252
Who are you, Rebecca Bunch?
775
00:30:53,285 --> 00:30:55,021
*
776
00:30:55,054 --> 00:30:57,289
GREG:
Yeah. Who are you, Bunch?
777
00:30:57,323 --> 00:30:59,025
JOSH:
Yeah. Who are you, Becks?
778
00:30:59,058 --> 00:31:00,426
Uh...
779
00:31:05,932 --> 00:31:07,900
Good morning, Your Honor.
You don't have
to call me Your Honor.
780
00:31:07,934 --> 00:31:10,236
I'm a planning manager,
not a judge.
781
00:31:10,269 --> 00:31:12,138
Yes, Your Honor, sorry.
782
00:31:13,239 --> 00:31:15,074
I am Paula Proctor
783
00:31:15,107 --> 00:31:16,408
from Whitefeather & Associates,
784
00:31:16,442 --> 00:31:19,578
representing Miss Douche
Incorporated, LLC.
785
00:31:22,014 --> 00:31:24,416
I have submitted my client's
plans for a facility in Pomona,
786
00:31:24,450 --> 00:31:26,585
which houses the lab and offices
of 240 employees.
787
00:31:26,618 --> 00:31:28,287
Miss Proctor,
could you slow down?
788
00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:30,556
I understood every other word
you just said.
789
00:31:33,692 --> 00:31:34,961
So, the facility
790
00:31:34,994 --> 00:31:36,428
can be zoned for mixed use
791
00:31:36,462 --> 00:31:38,430
and, thereby, be covered
792
00:31:38,464 --> 00:31:40,399
under the light industrial
793
00:31:40,432 --> 00:31:41,567
zoning provisions.
794
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:44,103
And that is all, Your Honor.
795
00:31:44,136 --> 00:31:45,137
Sorry.
796
00:31:45,171 --> 00:31:46,538
Sorry. That is
797
00:31:46,572 --> 00:31:49,441
all... sir.
798
00:31:49,475 --> 00:31:52,044
(exhales)
799
00:31:52,078 --> 00:31:54,513
Miss Proctor, just going
through your paperwork here
800
00:31:54,546 --> 00:31:57,283
and I don't see
an esquire behind your name.
801
00:31:59,385 --> 00:32:00,519
Um...
802
00:32:00,552 --> 00:32:02,688
Uh...
803
00:32:02,721 --> 00:32:04,190
You're not an attorney, are you?
804
00:32:04,223 --> 00:32:06,993
Um...
805
00:32:07,026 --> 00:32:09,028
Then who are you, Miss Proctor?
806
00:32:09,061 --> 00:32:11,563
Um...
807
00:32:11,597 --> 00:32:13,432
REBECCA:
Who... am I?
808
00:32:13,465 --> 00:32:15,401
Yes, we've asked you
three times now.
809
00:32:15,434 --> 00:32:20,539
Right, right, um...
but it's hard because I've been
810
00:32:20,572 --> 00:32:23,009
trying to figure
that out myself.
811
00:32:23,042 --> 00:32:25,011
Um...
812
00:32:25,044 --> 00:32:27,113
I think what you're asking is,
813
00:32:27,146 --> 00:32:30,049
uh, do I deserve...
814
00:32:30,082 --> 00:32:31,450
to be Miss Douche?
815
00:32:31,483 --> 00:32:33,585
This morning, I didn't think so.
816
00:32:33,619 --> 00:32:37,456
No, I, um...
I'm only here because
817
00:32:37,489 --> 00:32:39,258
because of my friend, Heather.
818
00:32:39,291 --> 00:32:40,659
She's right there, yeah.
819
00:32:40,692 --> 00:32:42,728
She reminded me of why
I entered this contest
820
00:32:42,761 --> 00:32:44,330
in the first place, which
821
00:32:44,363 --> 00:32:48,600
was to show the world
that I'm okay.
822
00:32:52,304 --> 00:32:55,207
But I'm not okay.
823
00:32:55,241 --> 00:32:57,709
No, um...
824
00:32:57,743 --> 00:33:00,046
the truth is I'm heartbroken.
825
00:33:00,079 --> 00:33:02,481
And if you'd like proof of this,
826
00:33:02,514 --> 00:33:06,585
you can see my, um...
as YouTube calls it,
827
00:33:06,618 --> 00:33:09,121
"Crazy Lady 911 Phone Call"
828
00:33:09,155 --> 00:33:11,123
all over the Internet.
829
00:33:12,558 --> 00:33:14,226
Wow.
830
00:33:14,260 --> 00:33:16,095
(sighs)
831
00:33:16,128 --> 00:33:17,263
I don't deserve
to be Miss Douche.
832
00:33:17,296 --> 00:33:18,297
I-I don't.
833
00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:20,666
I-I'm not, like, chill
834
00:33:20,699 --> 00:33:22,768
and cool... I'm just, I'm not.
835
00:33:22,801 --> 00:33:23,769
You should find someone
who's like that,
836
00:33:23,802 --> 00:33:25,237
like my friend, Heather.
837
00:33:25,271 --> 00:33:27,306
She's like that, but I'm...
838
00:33:27,339 --> 00:33:28,640
I'm not, so, um...
839
00:33:28,674 --> 00:33:30,042
peace and love. Ugh.
840
00:33:30,076 --> 00:33:32,044
You can turn off the spotlight.
841
00:33:32,078 --> 00:33:33,412
You don't need...
842
00:33:33,445 --> 00:33:35,114
Really, please, don't.
843
00:33:35,147 --> 00:33:36,448
Ple... can you
just put it...?
844
00:33:36,482 --> 00:33:37,483
Okay.
845
00:33:42,288 --> 00:33:44,290
Wow.
846
00:33:45,291 --> 00:33:47,293
So...
847
00:33:47,326 --> 00:33:48,727
who-who are you?
848
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:52,164
Um...
849
00:33:52,198 --> 00:33:53,799
I'm a student.
850
00:33:53,832 --> 00:33:56,402
Okay.
851
00:33:56,435 --> 00:33:58,137
You caught me.
852
00:33:58,170 --> 00:33:59,705
I am not a lawyer.
853
00:34:01,207 --> 00:34:02,408
I wanted to be one.
854
00:34:02,441 --> 00:34:04,543
I was even gonna go
back to school.
855
00:34:04,576 --> 00:34:07,746
Yeah. Um, but that's, um...
856
00:34:07,779 --> 00:34:10,749
that's not gonna work out
for me.
857
00:34:10,782 --> 00:34:15,854
But, um, listen, I... I did work
really hard on this case, sir.
858
00:34:15,887 --> 00:34:17,389
I even let my husband serve
859
00:34:17,423 --> 00:34:19,291
raw poultry to me
and my children, okay?
860
00:34:19,325 --> 00:34:21,360
I wrote a hundred page brief.
861
00:34:21,393 --> 00:34:24,730
It is really good and it
supports everything I just said,
862
00:34:24,763 --> 00:34:27,466
so if you could,
if you could just read it...
863
00:34:27,499 --> 00:34:29,501
please.
864
00:34:30,836 --> 00:34:32,271
I already did.
865
00:34:35,907 --> 00:34:38,310
And you're right,
you did a great job.
866
00:34:38,344 --> 00:34:40,246
Better than most
lawyers that appear
867
00:34:40,279 --> 00:34:41,313
before this board.
868
00:34:41,347 --> 00:34:42,581
Most of them
just phone it in.
869
00:34:42,614 --> 00:34:44,150
I'm going to grant
your petition.
870
00:34:44,183 --> 00:34:45,217
Well done.
871
00:34:45,251 --> 00:34:47,119
Thank you.
872
00:34:47,153 --> 00:34:49,288
If you ask me, you'd make
a damn good attorney.
873
00:34:49,321 --> 00:34:51,357
Paula Proctor,
Esquire.
874
00:34:51,390 --> 00:34:53,592
It's got a nice ring to it,
doesn't it?
875
00:34:58,530 --> 00:35:01,767
(door opens and closes)
876
00:35:06,338 --> 00:35:08,374
(exhales)
877
00:35:16,782 --> 00:35:19,618
Oh.
878
00:35:21,287 --> 00:35:22,754
I'm sorry.
879
00:35:22,788 --> 00:35:24,890
I just... I wanted you guys
to be proud of me.
880
00:35:24,923 --> 00:35:25,924
You participated.
881
00:35:25,957 --> 00:35:27,259
You should get some sort
882
00:35:27,293 --> 00:35:28,460
of certificate for that.
883
00:35:28,494 --> 00:35:31,763
At least a ribbon,
if not a trophy.
884
00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:34,266
That's a great
idea, honey.
885
00:35:34,300 --> 00:35:36,235
We'll stop and get you
a ribbon on the way home.
886
00:35:36,268 --> 00:35:38,904
Home, yes, okay,
so, here's the thing, guys.
887
00:35:38,937 --> 00:35:41,773
It's been so fun, but...
888
00:35:41,807 --> 00:35:43,275
I think I need to move on.
889
00:35:43,309 --> 00:35:46,378
But I-I'll still see
you around, I promise.
890
00:35:46,412 --> 00:35:47,546
You're just saying that.
891
00:35:47,579 --> 00:35:48,947
That's just a
thing people say.
892
00:35:48,980 --> 00:35:51,617
No, no, I mean it.
893
00:35:51,650 --> 00:35:53,385
Bring it in, Heathers.
894
00:35:53,419 --> 00:35:54,820
Oh.
Come on.
895
00:35:57,723 --> 00:35:59,491
At least we still
have Heather.
896
00:35:59,525 --> 00:36:00,492
She'll need us
897
00:36:00,526 --> 00:36:01,827
for the rest of her life.
898
00:36:01,860 --> 00:36:03,295
Come on, honey.
Let's go home.
899
00:36:03,329 --> 00:36:07,299
Um, no, sorry,
I'm moving out, too.
900
00:36:07,333 --> 00:36:08,700
What?
901
00:36:08,734 --> 00:36:09,868
Guys, I won.
902
00:36:11,737 --> 00:36:13,705
Uh... sorry, what did you win?
903
00:36:13,739 --> 00:36:15,874
I am Miss Douche.
904
00:36:15,907 --> 00:36:18,510
It's so weird.
905
00:36:18,544 --> 00:36:21,713
I won ten grand and a lifetime
supply of walnut bark douches.
906
00:36:21,747 --> 00:36:23,315
You won something?!
907
00:36:23,349 --> 00:36:24,916
Honey, she won something!
908
00:36:24,950 --> 00:36:27,619
How is that even possible?!
909
00:36:27,653 --> 00:36:31,257
And there's the problem...
right there.
910
00:36:31,290 --> 00:36:35,294
Mom, Dad, I love you guys very
much, but you reward failure
911
00:36:35,327 --> 00:36:37,796
and that's why I
still live at home.
912
00:36:37,829 --> 00:36:38,964
Also, I like the neighborhood.
913
00:36:38,997 --> 00:36:40,466
So many trees.
914
00:36:40,499 --> 00:36:41,467
Come on, Rebecca,
915
00:36:41,500 --> 00:36:42,901
let's go.
916
00:36:42,934 --> 00:36:45,404
We have to start looking
for a place to live.
917
00:36:45,437 --> 00:36:46,738
Wait, you want to live with me?
918
00:36:46,772 --> 00:36:47,973
You've spent the last few days
919
00:36:48,006 --> 00:36:49,875
insulting every one
of my decisions.
920
00:36:49,908 --> 00:36:50,909
Yeah, exactly.
921
00:36:50,942 --> 00:36:52,611
You need me... really badly.
922
00:36:52,644 --> 00:36:53,979
but I don't have any credit,
923
00:36:54,012 --> 00:36:55,381
so you're gonna have to cosign.
924
00:36:55,414 --> 00:36:57,616
Hope you don't mind.
925
00:36:57,649 --> 00:36:58,784
I have so many questions.
926
00:37:06,625 --> 00:37:09,528
You feeling okay?
927
00:37:10,529 --> 00:37:12,531
Yeah. Not too bad.
928
00:37:12,564 --> 00:37:15,667
Doctor said you might need
to rest up for a bit.
929
00:37:15,701 --> 00:37:18,604
I was gonna make you dinner
but, uh, I figured you've been
930
00:37:18,637 --> 00:37:21,340
through enough today,
so I'm ordering pizza.
931
00:37:21,373 --> 00:37:23,509
Oh... you are the best.
932
00:37:23,542 --> 00:37:25,344
(chuckles)
Thank you.
933
00:37:25,377 --> 00:37:26,778
(doorbell rings)
BRENDAN:
Mom, I'll get it
934
00:37:26,812 --> 00:37:28,380
since you just had an abortion!
935
00:37:28,414 --> 00:37:31,717
You're a good son, Brendan!
936
00:37:33,719 --> 00:37:36,555
I love you,
Paula Proctor, Esquire.
937
00:37:37,589 --> 00:37:39,358
I love you, too, honey.
938
00:37:39,391 --> 00:37:40,359
BRENDAN: Mom!
939
00:37:40,392 --> 00:37:41,727
It's Rebecca!
940
00:37:45,864 --> 00:37:47,299
Hi.
941
00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:48,567
Hi.
942
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:49,901
Oh, wow.
943
00:37:49,935 --> 00:37:51,903
Oh, Go... thank God,
you're not blonde.
944
00:37:51,937 --> 00:37:53,572
I thought you liked it.
945
00:37:53,605 --> 00:37:54,573
Yeah, oh, no, I kind of did.
946
00:37:54,606 --> 00:37:56,308
I did. It's just...
947
00:37:56,342 --> 00:37:57,309
oh, it just wasn't you.
948
00:37:57,343 --> 00:37:58,577
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
949
00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:00,779
So, Darryl said
you called in sick.
950
00:38:00,812 --> 00:38:01,780
Are you okay?
951
00:38:01,813 --> 00:38:04,816
Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
952
00:38:06,885 --> 00:38:09,321
Look, I know something's
been up with you lately
953
00:38:09,355 --> 00:38:10,656
and I want to know what it is.
954
00:38:10,689 --> 00:38:12,558
Really, I mean it this time.
955
00:38:14,526 --> 00:38:16,294
I just...
956
00:38:20,366 --> 00:38:22,368
You know, I had a thing.
957
00:38:22,401 --> 00:38:23,669
I figured it out.
958
00:38:23,702 --> 00:38:25,871
It's... I'm just so happy
to see you.
959
00:38:25,904 --> 00:38:29,875
Oh, God, you-you just,
you seem so much better.
960
00:38:29,908 --> 00:38:31,543
Yeah.
961
00:38:31,577 --> 00:38:33,679
You know, I realized that
I was trying to change
962
00:38:33,712 --> 00:38:36,047
my outside instead of my inside.
963
00:38:36,081 --> 00:38:38,750
I mean, it's exactly what I did
with Josh and Greg, you know,
964
00:38:38,784 --> 00:38:41,620
letting outside relationships
define me.
965
00:38:41,653 --> 00:38:44,523
And I'm... I'm not gonna
do that anymore.
966
00:38:44,556 --> 00:38:47,759
Well, that is very wise,
my dear.
967
00:38:47,793 --> 00:38:51,029
I know Josh and I
shouldn't be together.
968
00:38:51,062 --> 00:38:53,765
And I know that Greg's
in a better place.
969
00:38:53,799 --> 00:38:55,534
Atlanta. He didn't die.
970
00:38:55,567 --> 00:38:57,969
Um...
I know that...
971
00:38:58,003 --> 00:39:00,539
but I just wish I could stop
thinking about him...
972
00:39:01,940 --> 00:39:03,542
...and I think I know how.
973
00:39:05,611 --> 00:39:07,613
Hello?
974
00:39:08,914 --> 00:39:11,550
Anyone here?
975
00:39:11,583 --> 00:39:13,752
Greg?
976
00:39:13,785 --> 00:39:16,555
Ghost Greg?
977
00:39:16,588 --> 00:39:19,491
Am I just talking to myself?
978
00:39:20,492 --> 00:39:22,828
Great, I hate that.
979
00:39:22,861 --> 00:39:25,063
(sighs)
980
00:39:25,096 --> 00:39:27,132
GREG: Hey.
981
00:39:27,165 --> 00:39:29,067
Hey.
982
00:39:31,102 --> 00:39:32,771
You're still here.
983
00:39:32,804 --> 00:39:35,607
Because you're still
thinking about me.
984
00:39:35,641 --> 00:39:37,175
Right.
985
00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:40,646
So, about that...
986
00:39:40,679 --> 00:39:42,581
I need you to go.
987
00:39:42,614 --> 00:39:44,650
Um, I did.
988
00:39:44,683 --> 00:39:46,752
I got on a plane.
989
00:39:46,785 --> 00:39:50,589
No, I mean imaginary you.
990
00:39:50,622 --> 00:39:52,624
I need you to stop haunting me.
991
00:39:52,658 --> 00:39:54,660
I need you to get out
of my head.
992
00:39:56,495 --> 00:40:01,032
I understand why you had
to leave West Covina and...
993
00:40:01,066 --> 00:40:04,002
someday I will be happy for you.
994
00:40:04,035 --> 00:40:07,639
But... just for now...
995
00:40:07,673 --> 00:40:11,042
I need you to leave here...
996
00:40:11,076 --> 00:40:12,611
and here.
997
00:40:12,644 --> 00:40:15,847
But I can stay with you,
so when you see tacos
998
00:40:15,881 --> 00:40:19,150
or you watch the dog show,
you'll think of me.
999
00:40:19,184 --> 00:40:22,220
No, I don't want that anymore.
1000
00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:24,956
I need to move on.
1001
00:40:24,990 --> 00:40:27,459
We have to say good-bye.
1002
00:40:28,494 --> 00:40:30,929
Are you sure?
1003
00:40:46,144 --> 00:40:48,113
Good-bye, Greg.
1004
00:40:52,083 --> 00:40:54,152
Good-bye, house.
1005
00:41:00,091 --> 00:41:02,260
HEATHER:
To letting go of the past.
1006
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:04,696
To letting go
of the past.
1007
00:41:04,730 --> 00:41:07,132
Good-bye to my parents
and your terrible boyfriends.
1008
00:41:07,165 --> 00:41:10,035
Right. Although, you
did also date Greg.
1009
00:41:10,068 --> 00:41:12,771
Meh.
All right, what do you
think of this house?
1010
00:41:12,804 --> 00:41:15,641
It's 50 thousand a month
and it's in Bel Air.
1011
00:41:15,674 --> 00:41:17,275
But it has a bowling alley.
1012
00:41:17,308 --> 00:41:19,778
Hmm... no.
1013
00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:22,648
Okay, never mind, it doesn't
matter what house we live in.
1014
00:41:22,681 --> 00:41:24,783
We're gonna have so much fun,
roomie.
1015
00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:25,951
(chuckles)
Oh, yeah.
1016
00:41:25,984 --> 00:41:27,519
Antics will be had.
1017
00:41:27,553 --> 00:41:28,787
Oh, no, I don't antic.
1018
00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:30,121
Come on.
No.
1019
00:41:32,591 --> 00:41:35,561
OMG, sorry, for a second,
I thought that person
1020
00:41:35,594 --> 00:41:37,295
housing that donut
over there was Valencia.
1021
00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:39,264
What? No. Valencia
would never eat a...
1022
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,035
Oh, my God,
it's Valencia.
1023
00:41:44,069 --> 00:41:45,837
Run, run, run.
1024
00:41:45,871 --> 00:41:47,806
Uh, run. Run.
1025
00:41:56,815 --> 00:41:59,150
Hi, Valencia.
70551
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