Original subtitles

CONOR NARRATES: Things have been a little tense recently.

Everybody seems to be getting on somebody's tits.

I was annoyed with Linda. Fuck's sake!

Linda was annoyed with me. Moron!

Barry was annoyed with Jock. Fuckers! Bastards!

Jock was annoyed with Barry. Dickhead.

And me mum was annoyed with me, Jock and Barry.

Shut up!

Langer, dickhead, gowl! Out the fucking way.

And with the baby getting so close, it's fair to say that Siobhan

was getting a little bit bothered by it all.

My baby will be born in a few weeks

and nobody can fucking get the fuck on!

So Orla had an idea.

So I thought it would be really nice if we all went away.

Oh. Yeah...i-it would be.

For a weekend or something. I'd like that.

Like a big family.

Well...that's what we're going to be, I suppose. Yes.

And I'm really happy about it. Me too.

SHE LAUGHS

And so we were off to Kerry for the weekend,

to show Siobhan we can all get along because at the end of the day,

all mams need our support.

Mam, you've got to lift with your knees, not with your back. Come on.

Do you think you'll decide to give me a fucking hand at any stage, like?

Good morning, Mairead!

Love what you've done with your herbaceous borders there.

What's that that you've planted?

Er...that's just grass, Orla. Beautiful.

Story. How's it going?

So, thinking of a couple of names again last night.

So, what about Beyonce?

We might as well be calling our baby Jesus or something.

What about Madonna? Or is that a bit too old? She a bit dated?

That's a bit dated. Let's hit the road, shall we?

The sooner we get there, the sooner it's over.

You do one fucking thing to ruin this trip... Yeah.

..and I'm telling you now,

when we get home, there'll be fucking war, OK?

Yeah. OK? Not a thing. Don't you worry about it.

Keep smiling. Yeah. Keep smiling. Don't worry.

The less I enjoy it, the more I'll smile, so I won't stop smiling.

Good. Good.

All right, Barry? Orla, hi. Hiya, Jock. How are you getting on? Good.

Looking forward to it? Catch you in a bit, yeah? Can't wait. Catch you in a bit. Can't wait.

Shotgun! Looking forward to spending some time with Linda?

HE SCOFFS Fuck, no.

Why would I? I don't care about Linda.

Oh, you're just upset because she went on a date with Eoin O'Hanlon.

No, I'm fucking not! All right. I didn't even remember that!

Because I was too busy not thinking about Linda. All right.

You know, the countryside's a very romantic place.

I defy any woman to look at the harshest knob

and not feel a stirring in the heart.

Ain't that right, Mairead?

Mairead!

It is right, though, isn't it? It's right.

Just drive the fucking car, Barry, will you? I can't find the fucking keys. Yeah, typical.

Ruining it before we even fucking get going!

ENGINE STARTS

CONOR: Jock's mam gave birth to him

prematurely in Dunnes Store shopping centre, so as a result, every time

Siobhan does a hiccup, he thinks she's going to pop the baby out.

What are they pulling over for? I don't fucking know why.

Do you think she's all right?

What's up?! What's up?! H-H-Have your waters broken?!

No, I just need a piss.

Found some tissues, love.

I'll help you wipe yourself, all right?

Relax. Relax. Just, er... she needs to go for a piss.

When I was younger, I used to have difficulty acting

cool in front of girls but lately, I've fucking nailed it.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine, why? Just asking. I'm good.

I'm really good. I bet you are. Why?

So, I heard you went on a date with Eoin O'Hanlon the other day.

Sort of.

We just went to McDonald's, like.

I hope you two are very happy together.

Genuinely.

SHOES SQUEAK

I was actually... I was on a date earlier as well. That's good.

Yeah, it was. It was...great.

She lives, she's from down... Germany, so...

you wouldn't know her, like. What's her name?

Her name? Yeah.

Shit! Fuck!

Fucks!

Hey, Jock. It's all right.

Do you come around here often, would you?

Just on holidays.

I like the same holiday every year, so... Same holiday every year? Hm?

Same holiday every year. Same holiday every year. Yeah?

What are they doing over there?

Those lads.

My, oh, my, that takes me back.

BARRY LAUGHS They're county trimming.

What? Those Kerry boys there, they're moving the Welcome to Kerry

sign a little bit down the road and stealing a bit of Cork.

You might not think it to look at me now, but I once stole...

Argh! Drop that sign, you pricks! Nobody fucks with my county!

You hit me right in the bollocks, you bastard! Nice one, dickhead!

Chris has got over a foreskin infection! Don't tell him that!

See you later, Barry.

That's not how you do county trimming.

What took you so long?

If you really want to know, I had piss running down my legs

and mum had to wipe. Fucking hell, Barry, you had to ask.

Barry's actually killer.

Hurry the fuck up! We're going to teach those Cork langers a lesson.

The rivalry between Cork

and Kerry has gone back as far as caveman days.

You'd think by now Kerry people would've given up

and just admit that us Cork people are better than them.

Hold back, hold back.

We don't want them to know that we're following them.

Be careful with that now!

This cottage has been generously lent to us by Brendan Cooley

and those statues are his pride and joy. Who's Brendan Cooley?

Brendan Cooley is chair of the board of management of St Finnian's.

Remember, my school? A man I not only know in a professional capacity

but I'm proud to say is a close personal friend,

so please, treat this house as you would your own.

Or actually, better.

Considerably better.

Yeah, treat it right. How are you, babe?

Rrrr!

Those fucking Cork cocks will wish they never came to Kerry.

JOCK LAUGHS Oh, this is fucking brilliant.

Look at the size of this clock.

Why, we're going to be telling time

like the fucking King of England or something.

Well, this is gorgeous!

Barry, Orla, I just want to say you've organised the whole thing,

you should take the master suite.

Siobhan and I will be happy enough with the second-best double, yeah?

I think it's best if Siobhan shares with Linda, don't you? No.

Jock, why don't you take the sofa? Yeah.

And don't you even try anything,

you oversexed, under-aged little bollocks!

I've got an enlarged prostate, huge, up every hour on the hour.

About to burst.

Checkmate.

Barry. What are you doing?

Just doing a quick inventory of the cutlery and plates.

Big group, you know. These things can easily go missing or... Or what?

I've been trusted with an important man's spoons, Mairead.

I take that responsibility seriously. You must...

let me know how much I owe you for all of these...

organic groceries that I didn't know you were buying.

Oh, no, no. You're grand. Don't worry about it.

No, I-I can afford to pay.

You certainly have enough money for cigarettes.

We might be hard up some of the time,

but we're not eating out of bins. Jock.

This bone's still got chicken on it.

No, no. I realise that. I didn't mean...

No, no, no, just let me know the cost.

140 euros.

That's a lovely gesture, Orla, thank you for paying for it.

Appreciate that.

Conor, come in, Conor.

If you're near the kitchen there, will you get me a can of Tanora, please?

Kkkrrr! Roger that. Kkkrrr!

What the fuck is that? It's a baby monitor. I got it for you.

That's not a baby monitor. What do you mean it's not a baby monitor?

Look at it. Definitely small and pink.

It's a baby monitor. How does it work?

I push the button, say, "Are you OK?"

And then the baby picks it up and goes, "Yes."

That's a kid's walkie-talkie.

It's Olga.

What?

Olga.

That's the...the German girl I was talking about.

I shifted her, she thought it was great, like.

Said it was delicious.

Is that what she said in German to you?

What did she exactly say?

Shit! Fuck!

CLOTHES TEARING Fuck! Shit!

For fuck's sake.

I already told you, there's no service in the house.

Who do you need to be messaging anyway? We're on holiday.

Texting Conor? Conor?

He's in the same building.

Linda, Orla, come into the kitchen, will you?

Come on, please. Thank you. Sit down.

Now, those of you who've had the pleasure of being on holiday with me

before may have an inkling as to what's coming next. Oh, no.

That's right. I've done an itinerary. Dad, no.

Every second is accounted for on these spreadsheets,

which means maximum fun. The holiday starts now.

THEY SCREAM

What the fuck was that?! Someone threw a rock. What?

Why is no-one checking the story with the baby? Are you all right? Is the baby OK?

No, she's got you as a father. Barry!

It's the lads from the border. The ones pissing about with the sign.

HE WHIMPERS

Are you OK? I'm all right. They missed.

Some people just don't learn, do they?

Well, if it's a fight they want, it's a fight they're going to get.

Sit down! You've done enough already. Chucking stones at people.

This is your fault. I'll deal with it now.

Thank you.

Right. Come out. Come on, I know you're there.

I'm sorry to inform you boys but I'm a principal

and when you mess with one principal, you mess with us all.

There's a WhatsApp group, did you know that?

Ah! Gone a bit quiet now, hasn't it? So, where do you boys go, then?

St Brendan's? St Mary's?

Yeah, that would be the catchment area, wouldn't it?

Tell you what, do say hello to Mr Kennedy for me on Monday morning.

Or maybe I should call him myself. Get yourselves home.

We'll have no more trouble now. Consider that dealt with.

You know, a lot of these boys don't have father figures in the home.

GLASS SHATTERING Oh, for fuck's sake.

No, I'm stressed and when I'm stressed, the baby's stressed.

You're stressed? You don't have to explain all this to Brendan Cooley.

That's it. Nobody stresses out my foetus. Sit down.

Don't you see that's what they want?

Try and at least act like you've got a brain. Barry. Oh, yeah?

What do you suggest we do? Don't even dignify them with a response.

What? Yeah. Sometimes the best revenge is to live well.

In our case, why don't we tuck into a Darina Allen shepherd's pie?

Amen. ELECTRICAL FIZZING

ALARM BEEPS The little bastards!

Did they just cut the power? Well, that's dinner fucked!

Can we not just use the microwave? Yeah, no problem, yeah.

Light the fire in the microwave, you dickhead. Barry!

Right. They've crossed a line now.

This is a matter for the guards.

Will someone turn off the fucking alarm?

PHONE LINE BEEPS

Dammit! Did they cut the phone line, Barry?

Yes. They've cut the phone line.

They're really going for it, aren't they?

GLASS SHATTERING Fuck this.

I'll get to the bottom of this!

Jesus Christ!

All right. Now listen. I'm sorry about before.

But now I've come to talk and listen. Now you've made your point.

What is it that you want? Come on, I know you can hear me.

What do you want? Show us your dick!

OK, come on.

I'm sure that's not what you want. Get your cock out!

I like a laugh as much as the next person,

but let's be serious now, OK?

Get your cock and balls out. Get your little Mickey out.

MAIREAD SNIGGERS Right.

Clearly you don't want to be spoken to like grown-ups. Fine!

HE SCREAMS

LAUGHTER

Absolutely pathetic.

LAUGHTER

I assume you heard all that, did you?

I really don't know what the big deal is, Barry.

Can you not just give them what they want

so that we can all get on with our holiday?

I'm a principal.

I'm not going to go waving my willy around

so you can enjoy the Ring of Kerry.

No, no, no, Barry, I agree with you.

You can't negotiate with terrorists.

Show them your lad, they're going to want to see your balls.

Show them your balls, they're going to want to see your hole.

And then what? Well, they want to bend you over and start...

Yeah, yeah, we get it. You see, the thing is, Barry,

all right? You've got book smarts,

but when it comes to the way of the street, you're in...

What's that class called where me and Con get to do the pictures?

Remedial. Remedial.

When it comes to the way of the streets, Barry,

you're in the remedial class, OK?

Me and Con will take it from here on out.

No, you won't!

Oh, yeah, because you handled it so brilliantly.

Like, no offence, but they might want to talk to someone

their own age.

Relax, Barry.

We're not stupid.

We're not going to do anything to inflame this situation.

Right, you bunch of cousin fuckers,

if it's a fight ye want, it's a fight you're going to get.

This rock has your name on it, boys.

Come at me! Fuck, boys.

Come on, please leave.

You fucking bastards!

THEY YELL

Man down!

Man down, fuck!

Oh, my God.

Conor? Conor, can you hear me?

Conor? Grade A bit of parenting, Mairead.

Linda? He's coming round.

Conor? Linda?

Conor.

You all right?

VOICEOVER: When you go through a near-death experience

like I just did, you can focus your attention

on what's important in your life.

We've all the time in the world.

It's over.

Didn't even hurt. I don't fucking care.

What are we going to do now, then?

Oh, I've an idea, actually, Orla.

When my dad was in prison... Oh, Christ, here we go. Sh.

..he said that when they didn't have weapons, they'd do, like,

a shit in their hands.

What, there must be, like, eight of us here?

If we all did one, I could go up to the skylight

and throw it at the lads.

That's surely going to dampen their spirits, isn't it?

Jock, I think even if that did work,

we're not going to feel like having a family holiday afterwards.

So what are we going to do now?

The only thing we can do.

We wait.

Stop.

Am I the only one still playing Monopoly?

For God's sake, Orla, this is a hostage situation.

He always gets like that when somebody else buys Shrewsbury Road.

How much longer is this going to go on for?

Don't worry, they'll break soon enough.

There's a load of them out there right now.

WATER SPILLS

They've got a campfire going, they're drinking out of cans.

Oh...

They're fucking barbecuing sausages. SHE EXHALES

I know, right?

Barbecue's my favourite type of dinner as well.

I think my waters just broke.

Oh! Oh, shit!

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. What does that mean? Fuck.

Jock? Babe, babe, babe, babe, just breathe.

Barry, we have to get her out of here. I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Well, if you had given them a flash of your lad,

this would have been over hours ago.

And if you instilled a bit of discipline into your household,

we wouldn't be in this situation to begin with!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, now I see it, that's what do you think of us?

I saw you counting the fucking spoons earlier.

For fuck sake, Mairead,

will you ever get that chip off your fucking shoulder?

Will you get the rod out of your fucking hole?

Do you see what happens, Orla?

When you try to be nice to these people?

These people?!

Are you fucking kidding me?

She's from our neighbourhood, unless you forgot.

Your family are from the fucking...

THEY YELL OVER EACH OTHER

You fucking bitch, you...

QUIET!

SIOBHAN PANTS

For fuck sake, I'm about to have a baby!

I'm fucking scared to death.

And none of you can get on for two fucking seconds.

I'm sorry, love.

We're all a bit hyper.

SHE EXHALES

I think I've got an idea to get us out of here.

And it doesn't involve shitting.

Those fucking Cork lots are up to something.

What the fuck are they doing? Come on, boys, quick.

They're on the move, look, they're on the move!

All right, big shits, give us your worst!

THEY YELL

Bet you can't hit us! Agh!

Fucking pricks! Come on, you langers!

SIOBHAN GROANS Come on.

YELLING

Is that all you've got?

I've heard that Kerry lads don't have much fire in the tank!

He's talking about your bollocks. Come on, boys!

Keep your head down. Keep your head down.

Pricks!

Look at me, Con! We'll get through this.

The baby's coming. You'll get through this!

Come on. YELLING

Go to my car, go to my car!

Lads, come on!

They're running out of stones.

They're not running out of fucking stones,

it's a pebble driveway!

Come on! Oh, for fuck sake, Barry, come on!

I'm trying! Jesus Christ.

Just start the fucking car, Barry!

SHE WAILS ENGINE STARTS

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

I can't even think about this now, can I?

Just drive the fucking car, Barry, will you?

Con, Jock, get in!

Retreat, retreat!

Quick, now!

THEY YELL

Go on, boys!

Come on! SHE BEEPS HORN

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, I'm fine, too.

Go! Right. Come on!

Yeah, I know, it's grand, don't worry.

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

Siobhan Walsh? Yeah.

We've your room ready for you if you'd like to come with me. OK.

No, just Jock.

But sweetheart... No, Mum.

That's what I want.

You'll have to put these on. Right.

All right? Here, let me take your...

WHISPERING: Rub her back.

Listen...

..I'm sorry about all the...

..stuff.

Aw, no, I...

I should be apologising to the two of you, really.

Do you think she's all right in there?

Yeah.

She's got Jock with her.

HE FARTS Sorry.

I'm a bit nervous, I'm doing those farts

where you're not totally sure, that's...

That's all they are. SHE LAUGHS

SHE GROANS

VOICEOVER: It's not surprising that nurses and doctors

have a reputation for being horny, with everyone

showing their dicks and their fannies to them all the time.

I guess a bit of that hospital horniness must have

rubbed off on myself and Linda.

LINDA: There it is.

GRUNTING

GRUNTING GETS LOUDER

Fuck off!

We're having sex, if you hadn't noticed, show us a bit of respect!

Eh, where were we?

Here...

THEY GRUNT

# Now I've got you in my space

# I won't let go of you... #

THEY GRUNT

# I got you shackled in my embrace

# I'm latching on to you... #

GRUNTING

# Now I've got you in my space

# I won't let go of you... #

SHE CRIES

# I've got you shackled in my embrace

# I'm latching on to you

# I'm so encaptured

# You got me wrapped up... #

Wait. # ..in your touch... #

The condom's still on.

And it's not broken.

# Hold me tight within your clutch. #

I love you. I love you, too.

Oh, now, that's a baby.

Best baby ever.

How are you, boy, are you all right? You good?

That was stressful, but, I'm OK now.

Wasn't his fanny it came out of, was it? That's true.

Do you know what you're going to call her?

We couldn't decide what star to name her after, so...

..we settled on... Star.

BABY GRIZZLES

Well done, love.

Yeah.

Come on, now, let's get a picture of us all with the baby.

Jock, what the fuck? What?!

You're supposed to be wearing your scrubs over your clothes.

What? Nobody told me.

THEY LAUGH

Easy access.

VOICEOVER: Photos are great, because people rarely take them

when everyone is looking pissed off.

And human memories aren't that good... Ready?

CAMERA CLICKS

..so when you look back on them photos,

all you can remember are the happy times.