Original subtitles

How's it going? My name's Finn.

All right, Finn, my name's Gil.

What's the story, Gil?

Here, boy - do you want to have sex? Oh, yeah, I'd love to!

Oh, shit, we don't have a condom.

Do you...do you want to go bareback? No way, boy -

we don't want to risk having thousands of illegitimate kids.

Fuck you.

Rargh! Ergh...ergh...

Just stop!

I didn't get you this job so you can stand around making fish porn!

Would you ever just do some work?

Now, come here, boy, I've been here now 15 minutes.

All right, what did you want again?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Just chill out, now. Relax, all right? Come on, boys!

CUSTOMER YELLS

What the fuck you wearing a balaclava for, Billy?

I'm incognito.

Come with me!

I need your help.

QUIETLY: Fuck that.

Hey - no, Billy, we're... we're too busy.

There's fucking no-one here!

Come on - I've got fags.

Jock keeps going on about how Billy thinks we're his friends

but I'm not sure where Billy got this idea from.

Maybe I looked like I was enjoying myself too much

the last 20 times he mugged me.

I mean, why would I want to help him do

whatever it is he wants us to fucking help him do?

I need you to kill me.

You know if we do that, you... you can't come back?

Well, not ACTUALLY fucking kill me.

I need to fake my own death.

Turns out Billy Murphy, while in prison,

was best friends with this nutjob, Dinny Molloy.

That's where Billy got his laugh from.

UNNERVING CHUCKLE

HIGH-PITCHED UNNERVING CHUCKLE

You can take the eye out of a man's head -

you can take one eye, or you can take two.

But if you take a testicle,

you must take both of them, no choice.

All right, Dinny. Ah - hi, Billy. How are you keeping?

HIGH-PITCHED UNNERVING CHUCKLE

Gotcha!

Whatcha do that for? For the laugh.

Sure Dinny'll get the joke, he's got a great sense of humour!

I'll kill you, Billy Murphy!

I'll fucking kill you if it's the last thing I ever do!

You're fucking dead!

Jesus, lads, I never thought he'd be getting out,

but Dinny the Teaspoon got out of prison this morning.

Dinny the Teaspoon?

What?

Well...who else were you in prison with, boy, Larry the Spatula?

Tommy the Potato Masher?

Stephen the Whisk?

Tommy the Toaster.

Shut up! Frank the Fork.

He uses a teaspoon to scoop out the eyes of his victims

and then he eats them.

Wh-why does he eat the eye?

Fuck knows. Says something about help him see into the future.

It's like when you eat carrots.

No, that's...that's the dark. Hmm?

Anyway, I only have to fake my death for 48 hours.

Actually, make that 44 hours, 50 minutes -

he got out this morning.

Why only 48 hours?

Dinny has only managed to stay out of prison for 48 hours in total.

So, will you help me?

Can you give us a second?

Sure, yeah.

Why would we help that fucking loon?

Well, because, if we don't help him, Dinny's going to kill him.

Would it... Would it be...

Would it be terrible if...

If what? If Dinny did...kill him.

W-w-wait - are you honestly saying what I think you're saying?

Depends, what do you think I'm saying?

He's practically like a friend of ours.

He's no friend of mine.

All he does is beat me up, steal my phone.

He fucking held us hostage on a bus, boy, do you not remember that?

Aye, I can remember, that was a special day.

And he ate half my chicken burger last week. Oh, he did what?

He ate... I know, right?

He ate half my chicken burger. Half your chicken burger?

He ate half your chicken burger so we're going to have him murdered?

Will you listen to yourself?

Look...just think about it like this, all right?

If we help fake his death,

you can live out a fantasy of killing Billy Murphy.

You better know what you're doing.

Shut the fuck up and just do what we tell you

or we're going home and you can take care of Dinny the Teabag.

Dinny the Teaspoon! Whatever.

Right, it's recording.

HE WHISTLES

Oh. Oh, hello, boys.

I didn't see you there.

I'm just out having a look at the beautiful countryside.

Watch you don't fall, Billy.

Oh, I won't. I'll be VERY careful.

Ohh!

Billy! Are you OK?

Oh, no, I think he's dead.

Oh, God!

I have never seen a dead body before - it has made me sick!

Did you get it? Yeah.

Oh, hello, boys! All we've got to do now is share this video around town,

and then... Yeah - everybody better think I'm dead, right?!

Or you're fuckin' dead.

That's exactly what we're doing - why are you threatening us?

I don't know, it's a force of habit.

He-he-he!

Billy.

Wh...what about your loved ones?

Will they not all be upset if they think you're dead? What?

Well, you know, like, the people that care about you...

Care about ME?

Oh, that's a good one! That's a good one!

You're fuckin' funny!

Good luck!

Here, lads, do you want to see a snuff video of Billy Murphy?

Is it the one there where the dog's riding him?

No... Nah, that's a different one.

Here y'are.

Oh! Billy! Billy!

Is he supposed to be dead?

He don't look dead.

Yes, he does, he just fell off a bridge.

Where's the body?

Off the bridge.

The body's off... Look just take our word for it, all right?

He's dead. Now, go on, tell all your friends.

I don't believe ya - we need more fuckin' proof.

More proof. All right. All right.

Come on, then. All right.

It's the thing about kids these days.

They watch so much shit on the internet,

they're almost completely desensitised.

Yeah, too much screen time.

Right - we've to go in for overkill.

How are you getting on?

Just a bag of blood and a sheep's brain, please.

What's that for?

What...the...fuck?!!

All right, boy, open wide.

Fuck off!

Come on! We need to make it look

like you banged your head and your brains came out your mouth.

They're not real brains, are they?

Er...ye...

No. No, it's, er...

It's, er, cauliflower and...

..jam. Yeah.

Say, "Ah." Ah.

Ah...

Ah...

It doesn't taste like jam.

Three, two, one...and action.

Oh, my God, what's that coming out of his mouth? That's his brains.

Ugh! Fuckin' hell!

Why you showing us that? That's mank.

He fell off the bridge. Banged his head. Brain come out his mouth.

Now, I'm convinced.

ON PHONE: Won't even wake up.

People only ever really think about

how much they'll miss someone after they're dead.

That's why Jesus faked his death and came back again.

And it turns out, there were plenty

of people who were going to miss Billy Murphy.

It's terrible news. He fell off the bridge and banged his head,

and his brains came out of his mouth.

I'm looking for Billy Murphy. Have you seen him?

He's dead, boy.

Dead? Yeah. He fell off a bridge and

banged his head and his brains come out of his mouth.

Haven't you seen the video?

Video? Here, look.

What's that coming out of his mouth? That's his brains.

Looks like it's edited.

Who said Ed did it?

Not "Ed did it".

Edited.

Who are those two?

RIP.

Now that Billy was fake dead, me and

Jock could get back to doing what we love doing most -

fuck all.

Without any interruptions whatsoever.

Hiss! ..any sauce,

but we can make some...

Oh, gee...

What? Did you show the video round?

Yeah. Everyone thinks it's the real deal.

Well, how come I haven't heard anything about it?

Cos you're in fuckin' hiding, Billy.

I'm tired of telling you, Billy Murphy -

you either buy something, or you get out.

I've run out of places to hide - can I stay in your place?

No. Please, I don't want to die!

Please?

Mam's got a stalker recently,

and the Guards have been fuck all help to her.

For obvious reasons.

MOBILE BUZZES

Oh, get a life, stalker.

When Mam asks you why you need to

stay over, what are you going to say?

There's a leak in my flat, and the whole place is flooded.

Again? There's a leak in my flat and the whole place is flooded.

One more time? I know it, OK? Will you relax?

Jesus!

WHISPERS: There's a leak in my flat and the whole place is flooded.

HE MOUTHS

HE WHISPERS: Got it - you got it.

Hey, Mam, is it all right if Billy stays on the sofa for a few nights?

Er...problem with his flat. What kind of problem?

A murdering psychopath's trying to kill me

and Conor and Jock are helping me to fake my own death.

Oh, and there's a leak in my flat and the whole place is flooded.

Look how dead he is.

Un-fuckin'-believable.

Is that supposed to be his brains coming out of his mouth?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Dinny only ever manage to stay out of prison for 48 hours,

and for 47 of those hours, he was in a coma.

But what if this murdering psychopath

comes here looking for you?

Relax, Mam, it's all going to be fine.

Everyone thinks he's dead.

I'm sure we've thought of everything.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Is it him?

No. Not unless he's three foot tall.

Oh, yeah, sorry, Conor. OK...

That weird Guard down the road there told me to give you this.

Oh, Healy?

All right.

See you later. Good luck.

Yeah.

Why didn't he come to the door himself?

Mam's banned him from being closer than 200 metres from her

because he's been stalking her.

What, you can do that?

The fuckin' Guard's been stalking me for years!

Er... "I tried calling, but your

"phone," er, "mustn't be working.

"You need to bring Conor and Jack..."

"Jack?" Jack?

Jock.

"..Conor and Jock down to the station

"to make a witness statement about the death of Billy Murphy."

Great.

Thanks to you, I now have to spend time with that dickhead.

Watch you don't fall, Billy! I won't, I'll be very careful...

Agh! Agh!

Billy! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Are you OK? BOTH: He's dead!

Poor Billy.

So, what exactly happened?

Erm...

I thought the video was pretty self-explanatory, but, erm....

Basically, it was quite hot outside, so me and Conor said...

Let's go out for a stroll. ..let's go for a stroll.

We took a path...less travelled...

and we stumbled across...

..Billy. Coincidentally, Billy was going for a stroll as well.

Yeah. And it was this really uneven terrain.

Some... Some would say treacherous terrain.

And, erm, Billy lost his balance,

and he fell off the bridge.

And he, er, banged his little head.

Erm, his brains come out his mouth. Yeah.

Ha!

It's so awful.

Ah...

THEY BOTH SOB Aw!

Oh, come on, lads. Come on!

It's OK!

Billy would have hated to see you like this.

You know? He would have wanted you to remember the good times.

Yeah.

That's all very, erm, interesting.

But there's one thing that I don't get.

Mm-hm. What would that be?

Where's the body?

Was it, like, you know, eaten by wild dogs or something?

That...that is one theory that's going round.

Yeah. Because when we were there, he was definitely there,

because we saw him, and then when we came back, he was gone.

People were saying... there are crows...

Mm. Mm.

..and a...

HE MUMBLES INDISTINGUISHABLY

What?

WHISPERS: What are you saying?

Oh...yeah. That...that one I heard as well.

Mairead, can I speak to you privately for a moment, please?

THEY SNIGGER

Get out of it! That couldn't have gone any better.

Feels like we're real liars.

I'm even having trouble figuring out what's real any more.

We're pretty much home and dry.

All we have to do now is wait for

that Dinny the Spoon fella to go back to prison. Aye.

Hey, what's taking your mam so long?

She's probably in there trying to get Healy's tongue out of her ass.

Out of her ass?

I don't know. Will you stop saying that weird stuff about your mam?

It's a phrase. I know, but I don't even find it funny any more.

It's just a bit strange. Shall we just see her at home? Yeah.

This is a whole new level of stalkiness,

dragging me down here so you can have a chat?

This has nothing to do with me sta...

I'm not a fucking stalker.

Here, hurry up. Why?

Just don't look back, but someone's following us.

I said don't look back! "Don't look back" always means look back!

Do you think it's Dinny? Yeah, it might be. Just come on.

Everyone knows Dinny Molloy got out of prison this morning.

And everyone also knows that he's

been going on about killing Billy Murphy.

Well, lucky for Billy, he's already dead,

so, he doesn't have to worry about getting killed.

Whatever you do, stay as far away from Billy Murphy as you can.

And every other man, too, I suppose, yeah?

I think we lost him.

Hello!

Ah...

Conor and Jock - am I right?

I'm Dinny Molloy - a friend of Billy Murphy.

Would you fellas like a... couple of milkshakes and a chat?

I... Ah, yeah, sure.

Fuckin' run, Conor!

Ugh!

What the fuck are you doing?

Why would you go that way?

Just don't fuck with...

Agh!

I'm too scared.

Ah!

Haven't had a milkshake in years.

Agh... Oh.

Did Billy tell you about the teaspoon thing?

Honestly! You scoop out one fella's eyeball with a teaspoon,

next thing you know, that's all anyone's talking about.

I hate it. What?

The cherry? That name.

What, Dinny the Tea...? Don't...

Don't...don't...don't say it.

If I'd known I was going to be

called Dinny the Teaspoon for the rest of me days,

I would have chosen a different kitchen utensil, you know?

Dinny the Meat Cleaver - much better

fuckin' ring to it altogether, what do you think?

Ah, it's not that bad, you know - Dinny the Teasp... No...

Don't say it.

Er, it's just, you just called yourself that, though.

No, I didn't. You... You did.

You definitely did.

Can't believe Billy fell off of

a bridge and banged his head and his brains fell out of his mouth.

Yeah, it's... It's awful.

And...and true.

You know... CONOR SLURPS

..in many ways, Billy was like a baby brother to me.

I took him under my wing when he first got locked up.

I didn't want to like him at first, but...

..he won me over with all his silly pranks.

One time when I was asleep, he drew a...

..a penis on my face,

and so I'm walking round the prison, everyone's laughing.

I'm thinking, why is everybody laughing?

Next thing, I catch sight of myself in the mirror.

Furious, I was!

You know?

So, I stormed back to the cell,

ready to rip the fuckin' head off Billy!

And there he is, stood there,

all bashful.

"I'm sorry, Dinny," he says. "I thought it would cheer you up."

"I know you've been feeling down lately."

Oh.

Yeah.

Sure, even when he pushed me down the stairs,

I was furious at first, of course I was.

Next day, when I woke up in the

hospital with me two broken legs, well...

..I started to see the funny side of it, you know?

Did you?

THEY ALL LAUGH

THEY LAUGH MORE VIGOROUSLY

Ah-ha-ha-ha...!

You wouldn't be lying to me, would you?

Nnn-ooo. Nn-ooo.

No. No. No?

No. No. No.

He's definitely dead.

You know, in many ways,

life dealt him a hard hand.

Yeah.

I just wanted to tell him th...

..there was no hard feelings.

That's...

God, I'm sorry, lads, I'm s...

It's hard to believe I'm actually starting to miss Billy Murphy.

And he's only been not dead for one day.

The box smells nice.

Have some great news for you, Billy.

Ah. Ah?

We met Dinny.

What? Yeah. Doesn't want to kill you at all, boy.

All he wanted to do was tell you that there was no hard feelings.

He was saying you were like his little brother or something

in prison. Yeah, that's right.

He was actually a nice enough fella, wasn't he, Conor?

Yeah. He got us milkshakes.

Milkshakes? Milkshakes, yeah.

Fucking milkshakes. Yeah.

The last fella he bought a fucking milkshake for

has now got only one eye.

Why?

Was he in an accident or something?

An accident? Think about it!

"Do you need-a teaspoon?" Argh! Eurgh!

Oh, my God, what the hell were the two of you thinking?

No, no, no, but he was crying over Billy's death and everything. Yeah.

Crying? Sure, he's like fucking Meryl Streep that way.

He can turn on the tears like that.

He only let ye go so he could follow ye to our door.

Well, it's not your door, Billy, all right? It's our door.

My door. And we didn't ask to be part of this anyway.

You're the one who dragged us into it.

Ye did this on purpose. What?

Ye did this so he'd kill me.

I thought we were friends. We helped fake your own death.

Yeah, we're hiding you in our house. My house.

We rescued you from a fucking psychopath.

Oh, what, and none of that seems friendly to you? Yeah.

And what have you ever done for us, eh?

Borrow our phones forever?

No, fucking nothing.

DOOR BUZZER

Shit.

Is it Dinny?

I don't know. What you mean, you don't know?

I don't know what Dinny looks like, do I?

Then what does the person who's there look like?

Sort of like a psycho, ex-convict type.

That's him.

Er...

Who is it?

It's Dinny Molloy. Billy's friend from the diner.

I've got something important to give you.

Oh, really? What is it?

It's a memento.

I wanted to give it to Billy, but...

..I think you should have it.

Er... OK, you can just slip it through the letterbox, thanks.

I'm afraid it's a bit fragile.

Perhaps if you put your hand through the letterbox,

I could give it to you.

SHE MOUTHS No, he might go away.

Conor, don't! Calm down, Mam, I know what I'm doing.

OK, give me the memento.

Argh! Argh!

Oh, God, no, please! He's got my fingers!

Of course he's got your fucking fingers.

Open the door or I'll sever your fingers.

Let go of his fingers first and then we'll open the door.

That doesn't work for me.

What if I sever one finger and then you open the door a little bit?

Yeah, no, that doesn't work for me.

Can you do, like, no severing? Just open the fucking door!

Please, OK, OK, all right, all right!

Hello.

Where's Billy?

He's not in the kitchen.

Definitely not in the kitchen.

He must be upstairs, then.

Where is he?

The fuck is he? Outside.

Billy? Billy? Where the fuck has he gone?

Oh...

Let me know when he's gone.

He is going to rip this house apart until he finds you.

Get out of the cupboard and run.

No, no, no, no.

He wasn't upstairs. Would you believe it?

After all that.

Where the fuck is he?

Fuck you, Billy!

I'll fucking kill you!

You're fucked. Get out of the way!

Oh! Billy!

You checked that one already.

Did I?

Are you going to open every cupboard three times or what?

Where the fuck is he?

HALF A SNEEZE

ALL: Th... That was me.

It was all of us. Yeah.

You all sneezed at the same time?

ALL: Achoo!

Aye, it's dust mites.

Can you not smell them?

SNIFFING

Where's Billy?

We already told you, he's dead.

Dead? Dead.

We... We showed you the video.

So what more do you want us to say?

We can't... We can't do any... We showed you the video, like.

I'm not convinced by the video.

What you mean, you're not convinced by the video?

Aye, the video was fucking great.

ON PHONE: Billy! Oh, my God!

Yeah, there, see, look. Yeah?

Your reaction's not realistic.

No, no, no, we were just taken aback by the situation.

Aye, like, when you see a man get killed,

it really takes it out of a fella.

Makes you think all weird and speak unreal...istically.

Yeah, very unrealistic.

Just a suggestion, but maybe you're just hoping for Billy to be alive

because you miss him.

I mean, you spent a lot of time with him in prison, like.

Yeah, I miss him too.

A lot.

I... I miss his laugh.

Ah, Billy...

Oh...

HE SOBS

Billy... Do you know, eh... Do you know

when Billy used to, like, hit me loads?

I always thought it was done with a certain degree of consideration.

You know? Which is nice.

Look...

..when all is said and done, I miss Billy too.

He made an eejit out of me.

I know that.

But you know what?

Maybe I am an eejit.

No. No, no.

Forgiveness is the key to freedom.

I read that somewhere.

Only I could never get it into my stupid head.

And maybe that's why I keep going back to prison over and over again -

because I could never learn to forgive and forget.

Yeah.

You could be onto something, Mr Molloy.

Ah...

If only Billy was here to accept my forgiveness.

Maybe he's watching us from above.

Or even below.

As in hell.

Because, let's face it, if there is a hell,

Billy's probably having a great time mugging people on the way in.

And maybe playing his practical jokes on everyone.

Yeah. ALL LAUGH NERVOUSLY

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY

I'd best be off now, I suppose.

I'm sorry...

..about the mess.

Can I help you clean it up? No, no, no.

No, don't want to keep you.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

See you later, Dinny the Teaspoon.

Fuck it...

I beg your pardon? I said...

I said, see you later, Dinny the Teaspoon. That's all.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Erm... I am just said I'll...

I'll see you later, Dinny the Teaspoon.

HE CHOKES

Open your eyes.

Open your fucking eyes. No! Don't look at him!

Look at me. No! Look at me. Not the teaspoon!

Fucking look at me.

Don't hurt my friend!

Billy, you fucking bas...

Do you know the thing about you? What's that?

You can't take a joke.

So poor old Dinny the Nutjob Psycho Teaspoon still didn't manage

to stay out of prison for longer than 48 hours.

Better luck next time, Dinny.

And having a weirdo stalker hanging around outside your house

can sometimes be useful.

You need to call me when you're in danger.

Do you have my number?

What do I want that for?

Can I not just call 999?

SNICKERING

I forgive you.

HE LAUGHS

I think sometimes you don't get to choose your friends.

They choose you.

And the ones that do choose you

are usually the ones that need you the most.

Even if they do end up

eating all the spare chicken burgers in the house.

We really only get one burger each?

I'm fucking starving after nearly being killed.

Like, that's all that's there.

If you want more, go down to the shop,

buy it and you can cook it yourself.

Here, you can have a bit of mine if you like.

Are you sure? Yeah, work away.

Thanks.

Oh, jeez...

Fucking hell. You put your plaster in my burger!

Eurgh...

Did you do that on purpose?

Gotcha!

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER CONTINUES