Original subtitles

Ever since I've dumped Linda, I've been having the time of my life.

No school, no girlfriend, no problem.

HE WAILS

SOBBING: Linda, why did you do that to me!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Conor, what's that awful, squeaky wail?

Is that the taps or something?

Yeah, innit, it's the taps. Fuck off!

HE WAILS

Where are you going?

To Jock's house. Can I come?

The last three texts you got from Conor were, "Go away,"

"Leave me alone," and, "Fuck off."

I know. It's a big improvement on yesterday.

Huh?

Wait... Wait for me.

DOOR OPENS

Jock has been trying to keep my mind off Linda.

So far, his record is three minutes.

She's savage. Tits on her.

That's... Wait, that's Mairead.

What?

You just said, "Tits on her," and that's your mam.

That's not my... Well, she looks hot. I'm keeping that.

You're not keeping that.

I am keeping that. You're not keeping that. Why not?

It's not even... You two better hurry up, you don't want to be late.

FRIDGE DOOR OPENS For what?

All them job interviews you got lined up. Ha, good one.

How about just once someone

else brings milk into the house that's not me.

Right? Tell me about it.

Conor, get your act together, boy.

Cheers, mate.

What's your dad doing next to the blue dog on the rock?

The clue is in the picture.

Your dad's the phantom dog painter?

He did it when he was Conor's age.

Became this big mystery and ended up on page 27 of The Evening Echo.

I thought it was a small child who painted that.

That's the fucking style he was going for, all right?

New Art Deco/renaissance/ Leonardo DiCaprio...

You know, when he was alive

he used to give it a new coat of paint every year.

It's such a pity cos it's like...totally faded away now.

HE GRUNTS

Why don't we go down there later and give it a fresh coat of paint?

For your da.

That's a great idea, boy.

Yeah? Yeah.

Fucking winner.

Jock, do you need these pants or...

What's that?

Where did you get this? This is like...

BOTH: What? Er...

..200 euros.

Oh, Christ, you're not dealing drugs, are you?

What? Drugs? How dare...

BOTH: How... How dare you.

We would never do something illegal.

Shall we, er, pick up another couple of bikes on the way?

Er, yeah, we could do one more.

Well, where did you get it from, so? We... Well... Obviously...

We found... We found it.

Were did you find it?

BOTH: From the...

We got it from the...

Near the... Ch... Near the church.

Obviously, near the church. Well, obviously, near the church.

Which church? The church where people go.

Yeah. We told them... We told the man that works in there

that we got the money. The priest, is it? Yeah. Yeah, the priest.

And the priest said he'd tell all the parish people that we found it.

And, I mean, hopefully the owner turns up. Fingers crossed.

Praise be to the God.

KNOCKING ON GLASS

SHE SIGHS

I am not finished talking to the two of you.

WHISPERING: I can't believe she bought that. Innit!

There you go! SHE SCREAMS

Oh! Jesus Christ!

Hello.

What the fuck, Billy?

Well, if you got me a key cut

I wouldn't have to keep coming in the fucking window.

I'm not giving you a key. I don't want you in my house!

Then why do you keep inviting me over?

I never invited you! You're not invited.

Well, I've brought some milk.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR SHUTS

Conor! Jock!

Fuckers.

MUFFLED SPEECH

Pass. It's all right.

Hi, Conor.

He says he's not talking to you.

Do I need to sign something back, or...?

Er...

No, he says he can hear you, but only the stuff he wants to hear.

Which is pretty much nothing.

Where are you going? We were supposed to be hanging out today.

Oh, well, we're going down to Carrigmahon

to paint a dog on a rock. Do you want to come?

Hey, what are you doing?

I don't want Linda to come.

Actually, I don't think you'll enjoy it.

It's like a 20km cycle. Yeah.

And then you've got to trudge through the forest for, like,

an hour before you get to the rock. Yeah. And there's loads of nettles

and other shit that pregnant people don't like.

Fuck that.

Remember that time you wanted to go to Irish dancing camp

so you could get off with Firco Kafig

and you made me come with you

and it was the worst week of my entire life?

Actually, I've changed my mind.

What?

Painting a dog on a rock sounds like great fun.

All right, grand. You can come.

Your sister's not invited.

That's grand.

But if I go by myself we get to talk about the baby the whole way.

Baby shit.

Baby poo. Baby piss. Baby wee.

Baby food. Baby books.

Baby clothes.

The baby coming out my vagina - SPLAT.

Er...

WHISPERING: Please. Stay strong, stay strong.

Course Linda can come.

Fuck. The more, the merrier.

HE COUGHS

He... He says, "That's fine."

Yeah, I kind of got it.

Yeah.

My phone... HE DROPS BICYCLE

Back in a minute.

And where did all the cash come from?

Conor and Jock.

What, are you happy with them selling drugs?

I thought I was being paranoid.

Do you think they might be selling weed?

Or hash, or fucking coke, or crack, or heroin -

heroin's fierce popular at the moment.

Unfortunately.

Here, Mam, do you know where I put...

Hey, Billy.

Erm, Mam, do you know where my phone is?

SHE SIGHS

No...

Erm, but, you know, I'll try calling it for you.

Did you get a new chain?

No, going straight to the answering machine.

Battery must be dead.

Why don't you take my phone for the day? I won't need it.

So I can have a look for yours when you're gone.

Do you mind? No problem.

All right.

Wha... Er, see you.

Good luck.

What the fuck was that about?

I'm going to track him using the FindMyPhone app.

See where they're going. DOOR SHUTS

I need to know if they're dealing drugs, cos if they are,

I'm going to fucking kill them.

Oh, that's brilliant. I'll go with yous, I owe you one.

You don't owe me anything.

I do. What do you owe me?

One.

Well, I don't want ONE from you, you fucking weirdo.

I have a question.

Why are we painting a dog on a rock?

Conor's dad painted it originally, so we're just touching it up.

That's so sweet.

Conor wants to know, do you mean sweet like the taste of...

..of Gavin's tongue?

Sweet like the taste of Gavin's...

I got it.

That's a... That's a good one.

Come on. Yeah, I'll get the brushes, you get the paint? Yep.

You know I don't like it when you steal things that aren't for me.

Oh, this isn't proper stealing.

What do you mean it's not proper stealing?

Just trust me, it's not proper stealing.

Yeah.

It's not proper.

Best of luck.

Don't get caught.

Ocean Blue, Ocean Blue... Or Ocean Sunrise?

Should we do your own twist on it and make it modern?

What's the story, lads?

All right, Jimmy? Yeah.

We're just here to steal some paint and some brushes.

Are you? The boss won't be back till after lunch.

It's fine.

Yeah. Ocean Sunrise? Yeah. Shall we get that one?

Great.

Give us all of the cash in the register or you're dead!

HE CHUCKLES

You two muppets.

THEY LAUGH

Nice one. Nice one. Bye.

Bye, Jimmy. I'll talk to you later, lads. Yep.

MUSIC: Colours by Frank And Walters

# I know a girl who is so nice

# She'll change the world with just a smile

# What does she change? #

The best way to let your ex-girlfriend know that

it's completely over and you're never getting back together

cos she broke your heart,

is to go on a lovely cycle with her.

..with fish, you know?

And I was thinking about naming the fish after you.

Do you remember our first date?

Do you know - when we saw the whales?

And, do you know, we got to swim on them together as a couple?

I wonder if the whales are still out there now,

do you know, with their mum?

Conor says, "Why are you so interested in whales?

"Do you want to kiss them?

"I bet you'd like that big, salty whale tongue..."

Ah...! Whoa!

HE WHIMPERS

My fucking knee.

No more sign language on bikes.

Yeah, "No more sign language..." Yeah, I fucking know!

Oh, would you fuck off?

Just let me into the car.

God! I'll be your protection.

I won't need it!

HE GRUNTS

Get the fuck away from her!

Oh!

HE GRUNTS

BILLY TRIES TO SPEAK

What are you doing?

I'm stopping him from robbing you.

He's not robbing me.

All right, what illegal activity is he doing, then?

Nothing. We were just...going for a nice drive in the countryside.

I think you owe him an apology. Ah, there's no problem.

If I'd have seen me trying to get into somebody else's car,

I'd have probably tried to arrest me, too.

HE GIGGLES

What are you doing? Are you stalking me?

Is this an attempt to make me jealous, yeah?

SHE SCOFFS

Why would I try to make you jealous when I don't want you back?

Will you hurry up?

If we don't get there soon, they'll have sold all the drugs.

Just trying to wind you up, right, Billy?

HE LAUGHS

I'm putting my seat back down, OK?

The tax is fine.

Bye!

Oh, you can barely see the painting.

It's faded so much.

How are we meant to get up there?

I'm pregnant, in case you haven't noticed?

Yeah, well, we're going the long way.

Around the back and in through the woods.

No, thanks. I'm not budging.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Your sister can stay here and keep you company.

But normally you like walking through muddy shit. Firco Kafig.

Actually, this rest has given me a second wind.

SHE FARTS

Make that a third wind. Please.

There'll be more to come, too,

cos this pregnancy's made me very gassy when I move.

SHE FARTS

Oh. Jesus, that stinks. Fucking hell.

Stay a bit behind - the farts following you.

Jesus, Siobhan! It follows you no matter where you go.

It's not even that bad! That's some stink off you.

It's not me, it's the baby! It is you!

You ready? Yeah.

BIKE BRAKES SQUEAK

Are you sure this is a good idea?

The gate's locked.

Jock, did you bring the key that opens all locks?

Yep.

It doesn't feel like we're very welcome.

Ah, nah, just country people talk a big game.

If they ever met you, they'd invite you in for soup and things.

Living away from the city is just so boring,

they probably just put the signs up for something to do.

Did I now? Ah, Jesus.

Or did I have to put them up to stop little shits

cutting through my property?

There are dangerous cliffs on the other side of these woods

and I don't want to have to be spending my day

peeling one of you up off the ground

when one of you lemmings goes over the edge.

Conor, just tell him why we're here.

"If we tell him and he says no,

"then we won't be able to do what we came here to do."

Is that a real gun?

Of course it's a real gun.

What would I be doing walking around with a fake gun?

Can I have a go? No!

I heard someone kicking in my gate

and I brought my gun so I could intimidate them.

If I give you a go then I won't be as intimidating.

Will I?

Mmm, I suppose not.

All right, jeez.

Did you kick in my gate?

No.

We didn't even come in the gate way.

Just tell him.

Enough of this bullshit. Mmm!

I'll make a deal with you.

You go back the way you came...

..I won't call the Guards.

All right, all right.

You know what? That sounds fair enough, doesn't it, Con?

Yep, that's seems... That seems pretty fair, yeah.

So, we're just going to go back the way we came

and we're just going to...

Just going to... Run!

Ah, shit! Go!

MUSIC: Dogs With No Tails by The Pale

There's no need to thank me for coming with you.

I won't be thanking you.

You won't need to.

And I won't be.

Not a word of thanks will be needed.

Oh, stop, it's saying there.

Well, they're hardly selling drugs in there.

No, that's probably where they stash it.

Bag it and bury it.

Smart move, lads.

What was Conor thinking, being a drug dealer?

Like, he's really bad at maths. Ha.

Come on.

Run!

THEY PANT

You can hide, but you can't run!

I mean, you can run, but you can't...

I think we lost him.

SHOUTING: This is your last warning.

HE COCKS GUN

THEY SCREAM

Was that a gun? Get down! SHE SCREAMS

This way! This way!

Go on! Oh, fuck!

Get off me!

Come on, let's go.

Come on. Quick, he's gaining on us!

HE SHOUTS

Come on...

SHE GROANS

SHE FARTS

Oh... Shh.

This is my land!

Slow down, slow...

No, you need to keep up.

SHE GASPS

Shit. Get down.

It's better...

What you trying to do?

That deal was good! It was a fair deal!

Did you hear that?

They're talking about a deal gone bad.

A drug deal.

God, we need to call the Guards.

Shit. He's going to love this.

SHE MUFFLES HIS SPEECH

Eugh! What?

What I've been trying to say is my cousin got caught by the Guards

for a drug deal and he got sent away for seven years.

SHE SIGHS

Shit.

I know what you're up to, you bunch of glue-sniffers!

Well, what the fuck do we do, so?

I've got a plan.

WHISPERING: Oh, there he is!

So, what's the plan?

We hop him.

We're going to do what? Hop him.

As in, like, sneak up on him, innit, and kick the shit out of him.

I know what to hop someone means, I just...

Well, if you're chickenshit, I'll do it.

All right.

Stay there.

That's deer shit, Billy.

What the fuck is that? The Macarena?

THEY SCREAM

GUNSHOT

SHE SCREAMS

Don't you know where you going...?

SHE GRUNTS

What are you doing on the ground, this is serious shit, Mairead!

You tripped me!

I'm not leaving you behind.

Don't you dare pick me up. Don't you... Don't you...!

HE GRUMBLES

Sweet baby Jesus! We've got you.

Hello. Oh, my God! Get the hell off me!

Not on my watch! What the fuck, Billy!

Billy, put me down! I owe you one. I owe you one!

Don't drop me - no, no, no, no!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, you arsehole.

Right, come on, we should go.

Not until I go pee.

Can you not hold it?

There's a man with a gun chasing us. He might kill us.

Well, if I piss myself and ruin my shorts,

then I'll definitely kill you.

Shouldn't you be getting new ones soon, anyway?

What makes you say that? Is something wrong with these shorts?

OK...

No, no, no, they're perfect, so you're perfect.

What?

FOOTSTEPS RECEDING

Conor says stop looking at him with your nice eyes.

For fuck's sake, Conor,

when are you going to stop this non-talking crap?

It was just a date. I was thinking of you the whole time.

"Oh, the whole time your tongue was in his mouth

"you were thinking of me?

"How romantic."

How was I supposed to know he was going to dare me to kiss him?

"A dare is always going to be

"the worst thing you can imagine."

"That's why everyone always picks truth.

"Or, at the very least,

"when that dickhead dared you to kiss him...

"..you should have double-dared him back

"to dare you not to dare you...

"..to kiss him."

How did you get all of that from just him signing?

Oh, I'm fluent in Conor MacSweeney.

Look, I'm out here following you around the woods

and you're not even talking to me.

And for what?

To help you paint a stupid dog on a stupid rock.

"It's not a stupid dog.

"It's a great dog.

"My dad painted her cos she saved...

"..his life.

"If it wasn't for her saving my dad...

"..I wouldn't have had the time I did have with my dad."

Conor, wait up.

SIOBHAN SCREAMS

Siobhan!

Ah!

Help! Why? What's wrong?

I've stung my fucking flaps! What's wrong with your flaps?

The fucking nettles and my belly threw me off balance

and it stings, so, help!

I'm not going in there, it's full of fucking piss and nettles.

Just roll out. Fuck!

SHE SOBS AND HE GROANS

Help me. Ah, ah!

Here. Ah! Ouch! Come on, pull, pull, pull, pull!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

That is it!

I am fucking out of here!

I have been stung, I have been shot at and I'm covered in piss.

There's a zip, you know.

I can do it! All right, just trying to help you.

Linda, we're calling it quits on Firco Kafig!

SHE GROANS

Who's Firco Kafig?

Just some fella I gave a handjob to at Irish college.

You... You did what to who?

SHE GROANS

Why did you come with me?

You're wrecking my tits all day!

I just fucking owe you one, all right?

One what?

Fucking one. Like one fucking favour, like.

You did me one.

Billy, I've never done you a favour.

You fucking did.

And you don't even remember it.

From school.

I was not in school with you.

You were.

Billy. William.

Billy. William. William, Billy.

Billy fucking... I fucking know your name.

Yeah, it's the same fucking name!

William from school?

SHE FLUSTERS

Think about it.

The school tour.

You all... Fucking...the beach,

fucking swimming, parks, the funfair...

The ghost train? I got dragged out of it

and they were kicking the living shit out of me.

And when I didn't come out, you went in. Yeah.

And you were flaking them with some fucking iron thing

you'd just picked up.

I was really frightened.

You know who got ten stitches in the end?

If anybody fucking deserved two. There was a tone to every...

There was this...

..and a fucking clout. Yeah, I know, I know.

I never knew that was you.

Yeah, well, William was gone, but Billy lives. It's grand.

SHE LAUGHS Fuck.

Look, I just owed you one, all right?

All right.

All right.

Come on.

Sorry about that. Right.

Oh, fuck.

Ah, fuck. Conor!

MUTTERING: I can't hear you.

Conor!

Can't hear you.

Conor!

For fuck's sake.

His dad painted something on a rock.

..so he told me... Yeah, but I don't know...

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

HE SHOUTS

Ah! Would you...! God!

Get the gun! What the fuck are you doing?

I'm rescuing you! Come on, quick!

Aw, Conor, like, swooning - coming to save the day,

aren't you adorable?

I'm the one who needs saving here!

Shut up!

HE HEAVES

This is Dano.

I was in the middle of explaining to him why we're here, and then...

Right, sorry, I... I thought you were just about to... What?

Murder your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend, boy, we broke up.

So, you're the son of the man who painted my dog

all those years ago?

It was your dog?

Her name was Shep.

You dad, he must have been about the same age as you are now.

He was down there, swimming with his friends,

and he got caught in the currents.

He was calling out for help and they threw a ring out to him,

but he couldn't reach it, he was too far out.

I was nearby, taking Shep for a walk.

Shep heard your dad shouting...

..dived into the sea...

..and swam over to where he was.

Jesus.

You dad caught onto her collar and despite the currents...

..Shep pulled him to safety.

Jeez, that's some dog.

We all pulled your dad up off the rocks to safety,

the only thing was...

..with all the worrying about your dad...

..we forgot about Shep, out in the water.

We heard barking, but...

..it was too late.

Best dog I ever knew.

After her, I could never bring myself to get another one.

Look, you can paint the dog,

but just be careful on your way back, yeah?

Thanks.

Do you want to... Do you want to paint a dog with me?

Yeah.

Dying saving someone else, whether you're a dog or a human,

is pretty much the nicest thing you can do for someone.

For obvious reasons, my dad couldn't return the favour.

But I guess this painting allowed the dog

to live on a little bit longer.

If only in memory.

You still sore?

Oh, it's, like, on my hole.

It's just fucking napping away at it, do you know what I mean?

Like, if it was a dog, I'd say it'd be, like, biting it or something.

Oh, fuck me. Here.

Try stuffing them down your pants.

You know when I have this baby,

this is what you're going to be doing the whole time.

What, stuffing dock leaves down your pants? No, like...

..looking after me.

You are its... Yeah, I know.

And it'll be my pleasure.

SHE GROANS

Christ, it's working.

SHE SIGHS

Trust me, you have to go down to come up.

Bollocks.

Ooh. Wait.

I know where this is.

Oh, look.

Just look at those...

Just look at those fucking eejits.

METAL CLICKS

Do you think you can hurry up and start liking me again?

In that case, why not?

It might not have meant that much to you, but it did to me, all right?

I mean, I know I'm not perfect, but...

..I never would have done that to you.

I just wish we were back together.

Well, maybe someday.

Just...not today.

Do you want to be friends?

I don't think anyone has ever got the full picture

of what is going on,

cos a lot of the time, things are never what them seem.

Fuck's that?

Er... I was just, er... Garden.

Like, you see a couple hundred quid in a young fella's hand

and you immediately think, "He must have robbed it,

"or is selling drugs, or something."

Hello. Conor and Jock asked me to call by

for the 200 euros that they found if the owner turned up.

It belongs to Mary O'Connell, a layperson, in the church.

Um...

Thank you very much.

Bye, Father.

But, then, sometimes things are exactly how they seem.

And if we all had the full picture the whole of the time,

I'm sure there'd be nothing to fucking talk about.

What's going on with the two of you?

Nothing. Why, what's going on with you? What's going on with you?

Nothing. Why? What's going... Right, then. There's nothing going on, no?

THEY SNIGGER

You're fucking weirdos, the two of you.

Amen. Amen

THEY LAUGH

# Near Monkstown in the County Cork

# There is a painting on a rock

# Of the hound that saved a child

# That dived into the wild river

# And swam against the tide

# Saving the life of a child. #