Original subtitles

Oh, I love your new fire pit, Calvin.

Thanks. You know, one night I looked over

at Crackhead Victor's trash can fire

and thought, "That looks cozy."

So, what are we toasting to?

Well, I know a certain couple

that has a big anniversary coming up.

Right, Calvin?

Who?

I'm just kidding, baby. It's us.

It is us, right, babe?

Come on.

To 30 years of marriage.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

I can't believe you guys have been married for 30 years.

Wow. That means you got married when we were only...

Drink your drink, Gemma.

Well, so how are you guys gonna celebrate?

Weekend in Cabo? Couple's massage?

Or our personal favorite,

reading poetry to one other

while maintaining intense eye contact?

It's like a sexy staring contest.

Okay, well, we'll probably just do the usual

and go out for dinner.

Wha... come on. 30 years is a milestone.

You can't just go out to dinner.

She's right, babe. We should go big.

Let's catch a movie, too.

Ooh.

Come on, you guys.

You got to do something more romantic

than dinner and a movie.

You know, we're not one of those kind of couples

to make a big deal out of stuff like this.

We didn't even have a real wedding.

Just the two of us at the courthouse.

I know what you guys should do.

You two should have a ceremony to renew your vows.

- That's ridiculous. - I love that idea.

Tina, we already did our vows.

"Till death do us part." You're not dead, I'm not dead.

In the eyes of God, we're good.

You know what? Well, I want this year to be different.

I want the wedding that I never had.

- Yay! - All right.

Dave, would you please...

Yeah. C-Calvin, don't worry. I got you.

I would love to be your best man.

Yes.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

Hey, Grover. You want to help me

and Miss Tina plan her vow renewal?

What's that?

It's when two married people decide

- to reaffirm their love... - I'm out.

- Hey, Tina. Come on in. - Hey.

Thanks again for helping me with this.

Ugh, are you kidding? I love weddings.

The romance, the flowers,

the jealousy on all your girlfriends' faces.

Okay, so where do we start?

I thought we could look at my wedding album for inspiration.

- Okay. Let's do it. - Oh.

Ooh. Oh, my God, Gemma. You are so beautiful.

Aw, thank you.

Ooh, is that Ryan Seacrest?

No, that's Dave. He had frosted tips back then.

You came down the aisle on a horse?

All my bridesmaids, too.

Except Denise. She took a hoof to the head at the rehearsal.

Wow, Gemma. Look at this reception.

The centerpiece, the cake.

Calvin would never go for this.

But wouldn't he want whatever makes you happy?

Let me put it a different way.

Would doing this make you happy?

Well, I have always felt that I kind of missed out.

So let's fix that.

You know, you're right. I'm in.

I'm gonna have the dream wedding that I never got.

Ooh, and you know what you should do?

I'm not getting on no damn horse, Gemma.

No.

Yo, Dave,

you need to check Gemma.

Oh, no. Not lice again.

You know, I told her to stop sharing hats.

No. Gemma's putting crazy ideas in Tina's head.

I mean, look at the budget for this vow renewal ceremony.

Ooh, wow. She wants to release a hundred doves

after the "I do's"?

I know. And if I pay that much for birds,

they better come with mashed potatoes and a drink.

Look, Calvin, I-I know it's expensive,

but don't you think Tina's worth it?

Of course she's worth it, but that's not the point.

I can do more romantic things for Tina with this money.

- Well, like what? - Like buy a Jacuzzi.

Tina wants a Jacuzzi?

A chance to soak in bubbles with all this?

Some things are safe to assume, Dave.

Okay. Well, look, if you want to save money,

I can perform the ceremony.

I got ordained online so I could officiate

my buddy Kevin's wedding.

Okay. You're hired.

Now, look, next on the list is a bartender.

Now, I know Grover's too young to drink alcohol...

Mm-hmm.

But can he pour it?

Hey, man. What's up?

Hey, what are you doing here?

What does it look like?

I'm grocery shopping.

Oh, uh, tell Mom and Dad they out of milk.

So, what kind of gift were you thinking about

for their anniversary?

Oh.

I was just gonna sign my name on whatever you got.

So don't go cheap and make me look bad.

Malcolm, we can't just buy something.

You know? 30 years is a big deal.

We got to, we got to get them something from the heart.

Okay. Like what?

I'm glad you asked. I was thinking

we could sing their favorite song at the ceremony.

"Baby Got Back"?

Not Mom's favorite song, their favorite song.

"Just the Two of Us."

You know, that's not a bad idea.

I mean, she did always love it

when we sang together in those church plays.

Right? Okay. Let's give it a try.

I'll lead you in.

- Okay. - Two, three, and...

? I see the crystal raindrops fall ?

? And the beauty of it all ?

? Is when the sun comes shining through ?

? To make those rainbows in my mind ?

? When I think of you sometime ?

? And I want to spend some time with you. ?

I think my voice might've changed a little since puberty.

You think?

Oh, hey, babe.

Put that down. I want to show you something.

Ooh. Not right now, baby. The boys are here.

Not that something.

This something.

Ah. What's this?

It's the new budget for the vow renewal.

Now, your man got creative and saved us a ton of money.

Holla!

So you want to have our vow renewal at Ernie's Hot Spot?

And if we do it at happy hour,

we get dollar drinks and free wings.

Double holla!

Calvin, what the hell does "neighborhood flowers" mean?

Well, it just means I take the roses

from Miss Kim's front yard.

So you're gonna steal flowers from a 75-year-old lady?

She's got glaucoma. She won't know it's me.

Really, Calvin?

Free wings? Stolen flowers?

This is how much you love me?

Wow.

Babe.

Look, I just don't understand why we got to waste

all this money on a day we've already had.

Baby, I just want a nicer wedding memory

than hearing a judge next door scream, "Guilty!"

Look, I would've liked to had something nicer, too,

but we had to get married when we did.

You were pregnant with Malcolm.

Excuse me? "We had to"?

Come on. You know what I mean.

Now, I... I mean...

You know, not "had to." Of course I wanted to.

You know.

It w... it was the right thing to do.

"The right thing to do"?

Okay, hold on. Now, Tina...

So the only reason why you married me,

because it was the right thing to do?

Okay, now, would you please stop putting my words in my mouth?

You know what, Calvin? I'm done.

I'm calling this ceremony off.

Not because I have to, because I want to.

She'd be a lot more relaxed if we had a Jacuzzi.

H-Hey.

Did you sleep on the couch last night?

Mom and Pop got into a fight.

She kicked him out of their room and he kicked me out of my room.

Why didn't you sleep in my room?

'Cause I'm a grown-ass man, Marty.

I'm not sleeping in a rocket ship bed.

What were they fighting about?

Well, I don't know, but it must've been pretty big

'cause Mom called the vow renewal off.

- Whoa. - Yeah.

Are you sure it wasn't because she heard you singing?

Hey, boys. Have you seen your mother?

Uh, she and Gemma went shopping and to get their nails done.

Although I think the word she used was "sharpened."

Sounds like you messed up big, Dad.

Yeah, I guess I did.

I know you boys are gonna find this hard to believe, but, um,

I said something stupid to her.

- What? - You?

- Please. - No.

Yeah, it's true.

Your father's not perfect.

- What? No. - You? Please.

But it's gonna be all right, all right?

I know why she's mad and I know

what I got to do to take care of it.

Oh, you're gonna go ahead with the vow renewal.

No. I'm gonna wash her car.

Well, at least it'll be clean when she runs him over with it.

Yeah.

Look at all these nail polish choices.

"Midnight Temptress."

"Vampire's Embrace."

Ooh! I'm gonna get pink.

Well, why is this one so expensive?

Oh, it has real gold in it.

Oh, Calvin would never want to pay for that.

So I'll take 20.

You feeling any better?

Not really.

I can't believe Calvin actually said the reason he married me

was because I was pregnant.

Well, if it helps, back in Hickory Corners,

that's the only reason people get married.

And all this time I thought he did it

because he was in love with me.

Don't be ridiculous.

Of course he was in love with you.

After we said, "I do,"

he went up to the third floor to pay a speeding ticket.

Okay, he said something stupid,

but you guys have been together for 30 years and are so in love.

That doesn't happen with people who "have to" get married.

I just wanted a wedding that I could be proud of, you know?

Well, maybe Calvin didn't give you that, but he did give you

a marriage you could be proud of.

I suppose.

All I know is that when Dave and I get to 30 years,

I hope our marriage is as loving and fun and supportive as yours.

Although, I could use a little less eye contact.

Thank you, Gemma. You're a good friend.

You know, by the time Dave and I celebrate

our 30th anniversary, you will be...

Drink your drink, Gemma.

Hey, Calvin, what happened?

I heard the vow renewal was called off.

Yeah. Tina wasn't too excited about the budget cuts,

and then we both said some stuff I wish I could take back.

Man, I'm sorry to hear that.

'Cause I found the sickest Dave Matthews lyric

to kick off the ceremony.

Wow, if I'd known that, I would've canceled it myself.

But it's okay.

She'll be fine once she see how clean her car is.

Uh... Calvin, you sure that's enough?

No. I'm not stupid.

That's why I'm gonna pop in this new air freshener.

Okay, Calvin, um, let me ask you a question:

What does it mean when your brakes are squeaking?

You need new brake pads.

And your car is backfiring?

Uh, you probably need to check your fuel injector.

One more question, you getting a bill.

Okay, my point is,

is you know how to listen to cars,

but I-I don't think you're listening to your wife.

No, look, I am listening, Dave. It's just this...

this whole vow renewal thing is so unnecessary.

Yeah, but sometimes the things that are unnecessary

are the things that matter the most.

- Like what? - Well...

Like these chrome rims.

Do they make Tina's car run any better?

No, but they look good.

What about the leather seats?

Come on now, you've seen my wife's butt.

I'm not putting that on no cloth.

Okay, so it sounds to me like what you're saying is

these things aren't necessary, but they do matter.

Hmm. I guess I am.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I need to give my marriage an upgrade.

Yeah, man, come on.

Bring it into the shop. Put it up on the lift.

Trick out that whip.

You know, I think this is the most manly conversation

we've ever had.

That really warms my heart.

And we're back.

Whew, girl, I cannot believe you dragged me

to five different beauty supply stores.

What can I say?

Dave's very particular about his lavender bath salts.

Ugh.

Where is everybody? Calvin, I'm home!

Hey, Mom. Seriously, Malcolm?

You'd rather put on a suit than do your laundry?

If you would just come with me to the backyard.

Do you know what this is about?

Maybe.

Is that why you squealed when Dave texted you?

Maybe! Let's go.

Oh, hell no.

Tina, wait!

Look, babe, I know I messed up,

but I just wanted to let you know just...

I'm not leaving. I'm just going to change my clothes.

I cannot get married looking like this!

Come on!

I'm never getting married.

It takes too long for girls to get dressed.

I'm with you,

but I'm watching my mouth today.

Are you ready for our song?

Don't worry about it, man. I got this.

You better, because if you don't,

I will drop you like Beyonc� did Destiny's Child.

Ooh, wait, they're coming out.

Wow.

Sorry it took me so long.

I would've waited all night.

We almost did.

We are gathered here...

Give me a minute.

Okay.

Nope.

Dave, I got it from here.

Tina Butler, love of my life,

I still remember the first time I saw you.

You were singing on stage at the Moonlight Lounge,

looking almost as beautiful as you are tonight.

Oh, God.

This is Kevin's wedding all over again.

Oh.

When I first heard your voice, I knew

that I didn't just want to be with you

for the rest of my life, I had to be.

Well, I remember looking down at you from the stage

and seeing the most handsome man.

A beautiful smile,

those bright eyes,

and the shiniest Jheri curl I'd ever seen.

I was like a sexier Rick James.

Look, I know I say the wrong thing sometimes,

but the one thing I never regretted saying

was "I do."

Me neither, baby.

Dave.

By the power vested in me by MakeMeAMinister.com...

I proclaim your vows of marriage renewed.

You may now kiss the bride.

This is for you, Mom and Dad.

? ?

? I see the crystal raindrops fall ?

? And the beauty of it all ?

? Is when the sun comes shining through ?

? Just the two of us ?

? We can make it if we try, just the two of us ?

? You and I. ?

Aw, look at our babies. That's so sweet.

Yeah, that's good.

Now let's show them how it's really done.

Yeah. Give me the damn mic. Thank you.

? We look for love, no time for tears ?

? Wasted water's all that is ?

? It don't make no flowers grow ?

? Good things might come to those who wait ?

? Not for those who wait too late ?

? We got to go for all we know ?

? Just the two of us ?

? We can make it if we try ?

? Just the two of us ?

? You and I... ?

You know what?

Being here, I realized that, after ten years of marriage,

I love you more than ever.

Aw, I feel the same way.

Really?

You know it, baby.

? Just the two of us ?

? We can make it if we try ?

- ? Just the two of us ? - ? Just the two of us ?

? You and I ?

? Just the two of us ?

? We can make it if we try ?

? Just the two of us ?

? You and I. ?

Wow!

Gemma, I didn't know they had the Electric Slide in Kalamazoo.

Are you kidding?

Add a banjo and some hay on the floor

and this is the "Boot Scootin' Boogie."

Yeah, but there's one big difference.

Yours is about the boots, ours is about the booty!

Hey!

Oh, okay. Okay, y'all.

Party's over. Leave your gifts at the door and get out.

Uh, Calvin, it's only 8:30.

I know, Dave, but it's my wedding night,

and Tina gets sleepy around 10:00.

Oh, no.

- I'm up till 10:30 tonight. - Ooh.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -