Original subtitles

Oh, good day to you, Mr Lomax.

How are you today?

I'm late home from the pub.

Oh...

She warned you before.

She'll have given the dog my dinner.

I know, he eats better than you, don't he?

He does.

And she's nicer to it.

Well, have you tried licking her ear?

What, from the spare bedroom?

Oh, I see, yes.

What have you got that might, er, distract her and get me

through the next couple of hours?

Oh...

What about a nice gift-wrapped box of chocolates?

Ah, no, we did that.

The dog had them, and all.

Oh, dear.

Chocolates are supposed to be poisonous, you know, for dogs.

You see what I have to live with? She's poisoning my dog!

Oh, dear.

OK, you've missed your dinner.

I tell you what I'll do.

I'll make you a nice ham bap, eh? Right...

Straight off the bone, nice and sweet.

Oh, that would be good.

I love a bap.

Don't tell the dog.

Oh, I'm not speaking to the dog.

Oh, this is going to be expensive.

I know, I've been here before.

That'll be no surprise, will it?

Waste not, want not.

There we are.

All right then, be like that!

Yeah! And to you.

Uh...

Leroy, what are you doing?

Looking at the world.

And it's in bed.

Your mother used to like staying in bed.

Sometimes her own.

I've got a feeling you are not a morning person.

This isn't morning.

Still the middle of the night!

There's only burglars, vampires and us doing business at this hour.

You know, when I was your age,

I used to get up so early that sometimes it was still yesterday.

Right, what am I having for me breakfa-

Ooh, ham baps.

I'll have a nice ham bap, please.

Ham bap, please, Leroy.

That Madge, she needs me.

Gets into trouble, who does she call? Me.

Gastric.

Master of the domestic appliance.

Yes, but where's your permit to her boudoir?

Hm? You're not making the right progress, Gastric.

I'm always first amongst the pipes and fittings.

Yes, but where are you when she needs, you know...

..more?

Probably underneath her bonnet.

Oh, and I clear out wasps' nests and beetles and bugs.

Oh, she hates creepy crawlies.

That is not the pathway to the stars, Gastric.

Tell him, Leroy.

Gastric, there are areas of life that don't require a spanner.

Life is so much simpler when it unscrews.

What?

Morning, Jasmine, is Cyril in?

Yes.

Pay no attention, she's in a bad mood.

She does it well.

Practice.

Mine's the same.

Kath can pierce your skin just by voice.

Right, now, you know those bananas that we've got ripening in the loft?

I know them well.

I had to cart them up there.

What would happen if they came with

a frightening-looking spider?

Now he tells me.

One that had a fatal bite.

Well, guess who won't be carting them back down!

No, it would take a man with nerves of steel.

Oh, really? And we've got one, have we?

Mm-hmm.

Gastric?

Gastric.

Go away.

You eat meat.

Only if it's cooked.

How can I kiss you when you're not a vegan?

Come outside and I'll show you.

I did and I enjoyed it.

How depraved is that?

Be nice to me.

I've got this cruel parent.

Gets me up before I go to bed.

Have you seen Willis?

Yes, I've seen Willis.

You're the one I've not seen.

Well, I've been with Ruby.

Trying to get her geared up ready for Willis.

Mm, that's if his mother lets him out.

Haven't you got anybody with a bit more initiative?

Yeah, if you had anybody but Ruby.

She makes men nervous, including me.

Mr Newbold acting suspiciously.

Pretend you can't see him.

He likes to think he's invisible behind a book.

He comes in hoping to find Mrs Rossi.

How often does Mrs Rossi come in here?!

She's a regular.

Then when she comes in, then what does he do?

Nothing.

You've left Gastric alone with Madge.

Good thinking.

So, er... What are they doing?

She's doing some bookwork and he's tinkering under the sink.

But is there any sign that they're, you know, getting closer?

I think she shouts at him more affectionately.

Well, have you ever seen him...

..kiss her?

I've seen him kiss his dog.

I wouldn't mind, but it's not even better looking.

It's nicer natured.

Mm, that's true.

I always think if men are not making advances,

their memory must be going.

So is mine.

I think this is yours, Jasmine.

Oh, thanks, love.

Got it right last time.

I do enjoy the gamble.

Are you saying Mr Newbold's memory's going?

He always seems very alert to me.

Oh, no, it's going.

Every time I visit I get the impression that he's

forgotten how attractive I was last time.

I bet you soon remind him.

Well, you have to.

So much quicker than letting them work it out for themselves.

I hear that you're not yet engaged,

is that something else he's forgotten?

Oh... No, I keep fending him off.

I won't be rushed.

Besides there's always the possibility of other offers.

Does that mean you've got your eye on something else in the local shop?

Oh!

Oh, my lord!

Well... Oh, it's no secret that Granville has always had

a soft spot for me.

Does Granville have any soft spots?

Well, he's very kind to things past their sell-by date.

He likes to extend their life as long as possible.

Well, we all know who Granville's got a soft spot for.

Oh, dear! Is it so obvious?

I try to keep me distance

but he practically leaps over the counter at me.

There he goes, over the first fence.

The galloping grocer gaining rapidly on the old mare.

Why is everyone staring at Mavis?

Just your average simple soul, on her knees, cleaning up coffee.

Well, you spilt it.

I did, didn't I? Here comes Mavis, watch your coffee!

Oh, but don't let me interrupt.

Do continue chatting, ladies, even if it is rubbish.

Would I go as far as rubbish?

Yes!

Ooh!

Is it me or has it suddenly gone quiet in here?

Of course, I could be wrong,

but I do believe you could hear a pin drop.

Makes a change from dropping our aitches.

I thank you for that moment of your full attention.

Must have been a surprise,

coming as it did from a wet stain on the kitchen floor.

What brought that on?

I'm not aware that I drop my haitches.

Everybody knows that wives don't like camping.

They don't share the same male fantasies about the benefits

of being uncomfortable.

We're not going camping on account of the anti-camping lobby at home.

Mm.

When she's made her mind up, Jasmine is a rock.

She's a very hard surface.

Your wife's often rude to me.

And to me.

All right, ask me, ask me why your wife's don't want to go with you.

Erm...

I could give you some advice, free of charge -

as long as I get your order for when you go camping.

Which you will, if you follow this plan.

You two go camping.

Just the two of you.

It's hardly the same.

Strategy.

Tactics.

You give your wives the impression that you don't want them with you.

Hm? And then, you make sure that you pack your aftershave.

For camping? Who takes aftershave?

Husbands who attract the ladies.

Well, it sounds like us.

We fit that description.

I think I know where you're going with this.

And finally, you make sure they know that you've

packed your new socks.

Cos, you see, everybody knows there's a link between up-to-no-good

and new socks.

Just trust me.

Your wives will be joining you before you've

cooked your first bad meal.

Yes!

What's wrong with you today?

You.

What have I done?

Nothing. Especially with Gastric.

You don't treat him right.

Well, I made him a peanut butter sandwich.

If he's not under a sink, he's under your car.

And if you do get married, will he ever see daylight?

Married?! Who said anything about marriage?!

That's a whacking great jump from a peanut butter sandwich.

You've had years of home improvements out of poor Gastric.

Oh, I see, so I'm supposed to pay him with personal favours?

It's about time you gave him a bit of something on account.

Beth.

Oh, you remembered.

Of course.

There's no "of course". You disappeared off the planet.

Not really.

Remember Ruby?

Does anyone forget Ruby?

Well, she thinks you have.

Didn't you like her?

What's the point? She'll never respect me because I...

..can't beat her at arm wrestling.

She's not as tough as she acts.

She rescues small birds, insects,

builders who fall from roofs.

Maybe that's it, if you fell off a roof, she'd love you to bits.

I'm only thinking low roof.

Is this a great spot or what?

A bit too good to be true?

The man said we could camp here.

He took our money. He didn't give you a receipt.

Eric, we're in the country.

They do things differently round 'ere.

Well, they know how to charge.

They're not that different.

Did you hear that vehicle?

Hey, I hope we're not next door to a motorway.

Give over.

It's the first one we've heard.

Look how quiet it is.

You calling home already?

We want to arouse their suspicions.

Let's get on with it!

Jasmine? Yes, we're here!

Tent up, energy flowing.

The blood is pumping!

You were so right not to come.

Mr Newbold.

You remembered. I was just passing.

How nice to see you, Mrs Rossi.

No, I wasn't just passing, I've been coming here regularly.

I know.

I've seen you. Seen me?

Briefly.

Whenever I looked, you hid behind a book.

I assumed you didn't want to speak to me.

Oh, no!

I thought, he can't tear his eyes away.

It must be a very interesting book.

Well, it was the first one I grabbed.

Diseases Of The Modern Apple.

I've been, er, spreading the word to the customers about the spider

being in the bananas.

Oh, how big?

I said it was like, about, just...

How deadly?

What do you care? You're the fearless spider hunter?

I'm not going up into that loft

if there's something up there with a killer bite.

That's Mrs Featherstone.

And she won't be up there.

And neither will the spider.

It doesn't exist.

It's our secret.

But spiders hide in bananas!

All right, listen, listen to this...

Listen...

It's a well known fact, right,

that 83% of venomous spiders

prefer to hide behind...

..tins of baked beans.

I didn't know that.

Nobody does, it's because the great big baked bean mafia -

they keep it quiet.

Kath, of course we're alone out here.

Just us and the big empty.

Oh, it's all coming back to me, Kath.

Some call it savage,

I call it me.

Say hello to your primitive man.

I think I first noticed your legs.

I mean walk...

I mean, the way you walk.

Damn it, I said legs.

Well, they do rather go with the walk.

I think I'll shut up now.

I'm talking nonsense.

Some of the nicest nonsense I've heard.

You're a very understanding woman.

Your book, Mr Newbold.

You didn't sign it out.

Oh, er, oh, I've read it.

Thank you. Er, sorry.

You've read Diseases Of The Modern Apple?

Too sad for me.

You see? The kind of things life does to me.

Well, until Saturday, then.

Until Saturday.

Come through here.

Cyril has taken his new socks.

What you saying?

I'm saying, what if there are two female somebodies in camping

shorts about to light our husbands' fires without a match.

Hang on...

Eric's taken his aftershave.

Come on, we're going camping.

Just, er, you know...

..making sure.

Of what?

Spider free.

I'd have thought of that.

Eventually.

Right, where's this non-existent spider, then?

What do you think you're doing?

I'm here to remove your imaginary spider.

Not dressed like that, you're not! Where is your sense of drama?

I don't do drama.

Madge does the drama.

And really quite well!

Look, you're supposed to be going up against something

that you know is lethal!

And we don't mean Madge.

Listen, if you want to impress Madge,

you've got to milk this thing for all it's worth.

You're about to be well and truly milked, Gastric.

Oh, don't listen to him! He's just gone weird for a vegan.

Yes, I have!

And I think I'm just about ready to give up everything.

Except bread and dripping.

What a smile she has.

What a triumph for Italian dentistry!

And it was aimed at me.

It's only me!

Are you decent?

Are you avoiding me, Newbold?

Not successfully.

Ah! Ha-ha, there you are.

Home at last.

You were out when I called.

Out? Where were you?

The library.

Ooh, not out buying something nice for me?

Now listen, sit down, I have a plan.

Which would include me?

I think it's time, Woburn, that you took me away for a weekend.

Oh, er... No...

No, don't get excited.

I shall insist on separate rooms.

Well, what's wrong with separate hotels?

Oh, that's very kind of you, to be so considerate of my reputation.

I would guard your chastity with my life.

Oh, ho, bless you.

But that won't be necessary.

Separate rooms will be fine.

Bad idea, Delphine.

People will gossip.

Oh, yes, I'll make sure of that.

It's time they saw that our affair is serious.

Woburn?

Woburn?!

He's so excited, he's had to go for a walk.

Oh...

Will we ever be free of their lusting after us?

Right, where are they?

Who?

The female somebodies you tricked into going camping with you.

I think they've just arrived.

Cup of tea?

The spider man's coming.

Yeah, don't look too excited, but the spider man's coming.

What spider man?

As in tackling huge, tropical spiders the size of dinner plates.

You know I don't like spiders!

Then it's a good job somebody can face up to them.

I don't know how they do it?!

You can ask him afterwards.

Ask who? Gastric.

He's the one going in!

No, no, no, it can't be Gastric.

He doesn't like spiders, either.

He's terrified of them.

He threw a wobbly when he found one under the sink.

He's doing it for you.

Me? Well, I never thought he'd be so...

..stupid! Right, where is he?

Follow me.

Quiet, please. Quiet.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, Gastric...

Er, The Spider Man will in fact be signing autographs a little

later for a small charge, just to cover operating expenses.

You understand?

I hope he doesn't kill it.

Don't worry, it's an imaginary spider.

I don't care.

Still has rights.

Thank you and good luck! I think...

One minute he's just a bloke under your sink and the next...

Well, it's always the quiet ones that surprise you.

Ah, all right, yeah, yeah.

Don't overdo it. You're overdoing it. Thank you.

Get off! Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Right.

Right...

Where's the bananas? I'm not going near the bananas!

All right! No, the bananas are over there, now just relax.

All I want you to do is just stand here,

where you are, till Madge comes.

Madge is coming here? Yes, yes, Mavis is bringing her.

Now, listen, Madge is going to try to persuade you to not be heroic.

Well, a man has to do what a man has to do!

Yes, all right! You're overdoing it again, aren't you?

Just listen to me.

When Madge comes and you two are here alone,

I will drop in the spider, OK?

Hey, where you going?! Hey!

You said there weren't any spiders.

There aren't any spiders!

It's a toy.

A toy!

So what you do? You shine your torch on it, Madge screams.

You hold on to her, bravely.

And there you are.

Mr Unflappable.

I can do that.

Just don't let it get too close.

I won't. Trust me.

Oh, aye...

Just checking for spiders.

Humanely.

Ah!

Where's Gastric? You shouldn't be using him.

You'd talk him into anything.

Listen Madge, you come with me and I can show you how heroic he can be.

Come on...

Good hunting.

He cheats.

They do.

Ooh!

OK, Madge.

Where are you?

If that's a spider asking, I'm not here.

It's me, you fool!

Oh!

What are you doing here? You know you're afraid of spiders!

But you came anyway, for me?

Listen...

Madge, to be honest, there aren't really any...

..spiders!

Don't worry, Madge, I've got you.

I'm supposed to feel safe with you?!

If you just stay like this and don't move, we'll be all right.

Do you think movement attracts them?

No, but I think staying like this attracts me!

Oh, get on with it! Oh, where's the harm?

Two minutes and I'm out of here.

There's bound to be spiders!

What was that?

Well, it wasn't a Yorkshire terrier.

Not now, Cyril...

Uh...

If you boys want to make yourself useful, then dry this!

The happy campers looked a bit startled when they passed.

Been a big day for Gastric.

I think he's had his visa stamped for further than the sink.

Seven and a half minutes, they were up there.

Came down with big grins eating my bananas.

The Black Widow's running a bit loose.

I'll have to get Newbold back where he belongs.

I hate doing it, but it's not like it's for ever.

Her husbands never last long.

It must be love when you can even consider

giving up bread and dripping.