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1
00:00:04,853 --> 00:00:06,037
Why isn't this book about tech?
2
00:00:06,061 --> 00:00:09,311
I didn't write about tech
because tech destroys worlds.
3
00:00:09,395 --> 00:00:11,478
- And I, I wanted to create...
- (CLAPPING)
4
00:00:12,311 --> 00:00:14,269
May I have a token
for the restroom, please?
5
00:00:15,311 --> 00:00:16,704
ETHAN: So, you guys
are planning to build
6
00:00:16,728 --> 00:00:18,978
your own external antennas
to deploy for the Hawaii test?
7
00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:21,144
Why not just give away
Hooli phones for the test?
8
00:00:21,353 --> 00:00:23,287
I don't wanna use Hooli shit
any more than you guys,
9
00:00:23,311 --> 00:00:24,853
but this will get us to Hawaii.
10
00:00:25,269 --> 00:00:27,645
HOOVER: MSNBC wanted
to interview you about being
11
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:29,687
an "anti-tech evangelist."
12
00:00:29,770 --> 00:00:31,770
What did Publishers Weekly say
about my book?
13
00:00:31,853 --> 00:00:33,269
Publishers Weekly is a...
14
00:00:33,853 --> 00:00:35,144
terrible magazine, sir.
15
00:00:35,228 --> 00:00:36,269
Call Maddow.
16
00:00:36,353 --> 00:00:38,311
- (PHONE PINGS)
- It's from Gwart.
17
00:00:38,645 --> 00:00:41,687
"I'm dissolving my company
and taking a job elsewhere."
18
00:00:41,770 --> 00:00:43,520
I'm free to return to work
with Richard.
19
00:00:43,728 --> 00:00:45,603
Your position's been filled.
20
00:00:46,436 --> 00:00:47,895
No, it hasn't.
21
00:00:55,019 --> 00:00:56,895
♪ ♪
22
00:00:56,978 --> 00:00:59,144
(MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING)
23
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,478
(ROARING)
24
00:01:03,436 --> 00:01:05,436
(ROARING)
25
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,728
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
26
00:01:09,812 --> 00:01:11,311
♪
27
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,144
(EXPLOSION)
28
00:01:18,937 --> 00:01:20,520
(EXPLOSION)
29
00:01:22,645 --> 00:01:24,478
(EXPLOSION)
30
00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:28,853
(EXPLOSIONS)
31
00:01:38,937 --> 00:01:40,311
(MUSIC ENDS)
32
00:01:42,687 --> 00:01:43,895
Fuck yeah, right?
33
00:01:44,019 --> 00:01:45,937
You see the chick
in the racism car?
34
00:01:46,019 --> 00:01:47,895
I banged her in
the famine truck.
35
00:01:47,978 --> 00:01:49,520
I-I'm sorry. What is this?
36
00:01:49,603 --> 00:01:52,436
It's the trailer for
my festival, RussFest.
37
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,436
Three days of partying, sucking,
and fucking on a plot of land
38
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,436
so far out even Nevada
barely wants it.
39
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,603
I'll be serving
Tres Commas exclusively.
40
00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:01,829
It's gonna be like Burning Man,
41
00:02:01,853 --> 00:02:03,478
except I'll make
a fuckton of money.
42
00:02:03,561 --> 00:02:04,687
So, Earning Man?
43
00:02:06,436 --> 00:02:09,603
I literally love you,
you spooky fuck. So, we in?
44
00:02:09,687 --> 00:02:11,103
- In what?
- RussFest.
45
00:02:11,186 --> 00:02:12,995
There's no internet in the
middle of the desert, Richard.
46
00:02:13,019 --> 00:02:14,412
Maybe that's why
no one lives out there.
47
00:02:14,436 --> 00:02:15,829
I don't know,
I'm not an archaeologist.
48
00:02:15,853 --> 00:02:17,454
All I know is they're
telling me it's gonna cost
49
00:02:17,478 --> 00:02:19,454
a fucking fortune to get
the infrastructure out there.
50
00:02:19,478 --> 00:02:21,269
Unless you guys do it for free.
51
00:02:21,353 --> 00:02:23,395
- Why would we do it for free?
- Because it's cool.
52
00:02:23,478 --> 00:02:25,412
- It's good for your brand.
- RICHARD: Well, Russ,
53
00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:27,853
we appreciate the interest...
54
00:02:27,937 --> 00:02:29,144
I like where this is going.
55
00:02:29,228 --> 00:02:30,687
- But...
- Fuck!
56
00:02:30,770 --> 00:02:33,812
Uh, right now,
we are trying to launch
57
00:02:33,895 --> 00:02:36,103
a huge pilot program in Hawaii.
58
00:02:36,186 --> 00:02:37,645
Dinesh is actually
heading out there
59
00:02:37,728 --> 00:02:40,228
first thing tomorrow morning,
and I am about to sit down
60
00:02:40,311 --> 00:02:42,561
with the network operations
president of AT&T,
61
00:02:42,645 --> 00:02:45,520
trying to close
this massive deal,
62
00:02:45,603 --> 00:02:48,978
but that all depends on
getting Hawaii right.
63
00:02:49,061 --> 00:02:50,371
There's just no way
we could do both.
64
00:02:50,395 --> 00:02:52,520
And you would rather
do Hawaii than RussFest?
65
00:02:52,603 --> 00:02:54,144
I would rather
66
00:02:54,228 --> 00:02:57,770
do my own mother than RussFest.
67
00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:01,144
How come whenever you
guys wanna do some shit,
68
00:03:01,228 --> 00:03:02,371
I'm always like, "fuck yeah!"
69
00:03:02,395 --> 00:03:03,829
But whenever I wanna
do some cool shit,
70
00:03:03,853 --> 00:03:06,478
you guys piss all over it!
You know what? Gimme this.
71
00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:10,103
Have fun shoving pineapples
up each other's dick holes!
72
00:03:10,186 --> 00:03:12,311
And pussy holes.
73
00:03:12,812 --> 00:03:14,311
You creepy fuck.
74
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:17,561
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
75
00:03:24,937 --> 00:03:26,561
What have I been
telling you, Lawrence?
76
00:03:26,645 --> 00:03:28,812
Impressive. Very impressive.
77
00:03:29,937 --> 00:03:32,019
- Looking forward to talking a lot more.
- Yeah.
78
00:03:32,103 --> 00:03:33,770
Yeah, definitely.
79
00:03:34,311 --> 00:03:35,770
(INAUDIBLE)
80
00:03:36,478 --> 00:03:38,478
- Richard!
- (GASPS) Whoo!
81
00:03:39,561 --> 00:03:41,353
- Sorry. Um, how did it go?
- Cool.
82
00:03:41,436 --> 00:03:44,228
Well, I wanna keep it on
the down-low, but, uh...
83
00:03:44,937 --> 00:03:46,436
- (SLAMS DOOR)
- Fuck.
84
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:51,103
Is that joy?
85
00:03:51,186 --> 00:03:53,061
It could not have gone better.
86
00:03:53,812 --> 00:03:56,186
When they found out how
much money they could save
87
00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:58,895
by using us to help
simplify their 5G rollout,
88
00:03:58,978 --> 00:04:01,311
they practically
shit themselves.
89
00:04:01,395 --> 00:04:04,561
(LAUGH) This could be
bigger than we thought.
90
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,937
Monica, we could be
on 100 million phones.
91
00:04:08,019 --> 00:04:09,812
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
92
00:04:09,895 --> 00:04:12,520
- Okay. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- Yeah.
93
00:04:12,603 --> 00:04:14,995
- You know, focus on Hawaii, make sure we land the plane.
- Yeah.
94
00:04:15,019 --> 00:04:17,061
It's weird. I actually
don't know what to do
95
00:04:17,144 --> 00:04:20,144
when things are going well.
It is not natural.
96
00:04:21,144 --> 00:04:23,144
(CHUCKLING)
97
00:04:23,728 --> 00:04:25,395
- Yeah.
- Okay.
98
00:04:25,478 --> 00:04:26,728
Ha, ha, ha!
99
00:04:26,812 --> 00:04:28,120
HOST: What's the
newest killer app
100
00:04:28,144 --> 00:04:29,728
coming out of Silicon Valley?
101
00:04:29,812 --> 00:04:32,186
Would you believe ethics?
102
00:04:32,269 --> 00:04:34,144
It's all thanks
to our first guest,
103
00:04:34,228 --> 00:04:36,269
a former big-tech CEO
104
00:04:36,353 --> 00:04:38,269
turned responsible
tech evangelist...
105
00:04:38,353 --> 00:04:40,144
You know what?
Not even this turd
106
00:04:40,228 --> 00:04:41,978
is gonna bring me
down right now.
107
00:04:42,061 --> 00:04:44,895
HOST: Caution and accountability.
Thanks for being here.
108
00:04:44,978 --> 00:04:47,186
GAVIN: Well, I always
find time for you, Gabby.
109
00:04:47,269 --> 00:04:49,269
Please. No one is buying
your bullshit, Gavin.
110
00:04:49,353 --> 00:04:51,228
GAVIN:
My message invigorates me.
111
00:04:51,311 --> 00:04:53,978
For too long, these
large tech companies
112
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:57,144
have harvested our data,
they have violated our privacy,
113
00:04:57,228 --> 00:04:58,728
they have tracked
our every move.
114
00:04:58,812 --> 00:05:02,395
They is you, you hypocrite.
You did that. He did that!
115
00:05:02,478 --> 00:05:04,603
Starting today, I will be asking
116
00:05:04,687 --> 00:05:06,311
prominent members of
the tech community
117
00:05:06,395 --> 00:05:08,645
to sign their name onto this.
118
00:05:08,728 --> 00:05:11,144
A code of conduct,
authored by me,
119
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:13,812
that pledges them
to a universal ethos,
120
00:05:13,895 --> 00:05:16,812
which I created,
that I call, "tech ethics,"
121
00:05:16,895 --> 00:05:18,645
or, "tethics" for short.
122
00:05:18,728 --> 00:05:20,812
- Oof.
- GABBY: Tethics. Clever.
123
00:05:20,895 --> 00:05:22,186
- (GIGGLING)
- No. No, it isn't.
124
00:05:22,269 --> 00:05:24,144
Fuck that guy.
Honestly, fuck that guy.
125
00:05:24,228 --> 00:05:25,228
Richard, I have your tea.
126
00:05:25,311 --> 00:05:26,853
No one in town
is ever gonna sign
127
00:05:26,937 --> 00:05:28,186
this hypocrite's
128
00:05:28,269 --> 00:05:30,687
- hypocritical garbage.
- GABBY: Well, I'm sold.
129
00:05:30,770 --> 00:05:33,978
- Can I sign?
- GAVIN: Well, you have to lead a corporation.
130
00:05:34,061 --> 00:05:36,812
Okay. And how about you at home?
131
00:05:36,895 --> 00:05:39,645
Are you tethical?
Tweet us @GoodDayTheBay
132
00:05:39,728 --> 00:05:41,311
and let us know where you stand.
133
00:05:41,395 --> 00:05:44,353
Sure, yes, I will.
Get ready for some opinions.
134
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:46,728
Holden?
135
00:05:47,061 --> 00:05:49,770
Why is the television
on the news?
136
00:05:49,853 --> 00:05:53,144
Jared, I don't need you
telling me my job, okay?
137
00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:54,687
Holden, um,
138
00:05:54,770 --> 00:05:57,561
I know things have been
a bit antagonistic between us.
139
00:05:57,645 --> 00:06:00,228
We've been like, uh,
Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.
140
00:06:00,311 --> 00:06:03,687
But, I've been thinking about
it, and you work for Richard,
141
00:06:03,770 --> 00:06:06,269
and I want what's best for him
142
00:06:06,353 --> 00:06:09,103
'cause I want him to be
happy, so from now on...
143
00:06:09,978 --> 00:06:11,603
you're my friend.
144
00:06:12,144 --> 00:06:13,687
You're my best friend.
145
00:06:14,144 --> 00:06:15,853
Even if you make
the occasional oopsie.
146
00:06:15,937 --> 00:06:17,144
Are you fucking with me?
147
00:06:17,228 --> 00:06:19,019
Why would I do that
to my best friend?
148
00:06:19,103 --> 00:06:20,937
- Love you like a brother.
- Uh...
149
00:06:22,812 --> 00:06:24,144
Absolutely not.
150
00:06:24,228 --> 00:06:26,269
We haven't told you
what we want yet.
151
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:28,019
- Irrelevant.
- Sit down.
152
00:06:28,103 --> 00:06:30,103
- Thank you.
- TRACY: I'd like to talk to you
153
00:06:30,186 --> 00:06:31,728
about your Piper-Pulse numbers.
154
00:06:31,812 --> 00:06:33,061
GILFOYLE: I'd like that, Tracy,
155
00:06:33,144 --> 00:06:35,144
because I have no idea
what the fuck that is.
156
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,687
Of course you do.
It's the system that Tracy created
157
00:06:37,770 --> 00:06:40,687
for employees to give
feedback on senior management.
158
00:06:41,103 --> 00:06:42,687
TRACY:
The point is, I happen to know
159
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,687
a lot of folks over at AT&T,
160
00:06:44,770 --> 00:06:46,728
and I think it might help us
161
00:06:46,812 --> 00:06:49,770
if I back-channel some of
the information I've gathered.
162
00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:52,395
But before I do,
I'd like to tell you how you're doing.
163
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:53,937
I know how I'm doing.
164
00:06:54,019 --> 00:06:55,645
I'm fucking killing it.
165
00:06:55,728 --> 00:06:57,228
I'm building
great shit out there.
166
00:06:57,311 --> 00:07:01,311
Yes. Your acumen scores
are excellent.
167
00:07:01,395 --> 00:07:03,895
On a scale of one to 10,
you're at a 9.9.
168
00:07:03,978 --> 00:07:06,436
So, all 10's and...
169
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,019
- Dinesh.
- But, it's your
170
00:07:08,103 --> 00:07:11,061
interpersonal rating
I'd like to drill down on.
171
00:07:11,144 --> 00:07:12,561
It's at 1.5.
172
00:07:12,645 --> 00:07:15,144
Your coworkers find
you unapproachable,
173
00:07:15,228 --> 00:07:16,520
rude,
174
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:19,186
and capable of great hurt
175
00:07:19,269 --> 00:07:21,144
with an unsettling stare.
176
00:07:22,478 --> 00:07:23,937
Okay.
177
00:07:24,019 --> 00:07:26,436
We want AT&T to see
a thriving company.
178
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,603
If you really make
a concerted effort
179
00:07:28,687 --> 00:07:30,603
at outreach and team building,
180
00:07:30,687 --> 00:07:32,853
- you could get your numbers up.
- GILFOYLE: Tracy.
181
00:07:32,937 --> 00:07:35,937
I appreciate you
wanting to participate
182
00:07:36,019 --> 00:07:37,269
in the world of numbers.
183
00:07:37,353 --> 00:07:39,436
I find it endearing.
184
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,770
But yours are horseshit.
185
00:07:40,853 --> 00:07:43,103
They measure nothing.
If I wanted to,
186
00:07:43,186 --> 00:07:45,478
I could have all 10's
by the end of the week.
187
00:07:45,770 --> 00:07:47,895
Gilfoyle, metrics
like Piper-Pulse
188
00:07:47,978 --> 00:07:49,311
are a widely accepted measure
189
00:07:49,395 --> 00:07:50,770
of how your peers
feel about you.
190
00:07:50,853 --> 00:07:54,019
Speaking of, Monica,
your interpersonal is at a 2.
191
00:07:54,103 --> 00:07:55,478
- What?
- Huh.
192
00:07:55,561 --> 00:07:58,311
No, that's just because
Priyanka and her little...
193
00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:01,311
witch's nest over at Foxhole
are bringing my numbers down.
194
00:08:01,395 --> 00:08:03,103
No. Most of your lower scores
195
00:08:03,186 --> 00:08:06,353
are coming from engineers,
who are 84% male.
196
00:08:06,561 --> 00:08:08,812
Maybe you should try
some of that outreach.
197
00:08:08,895 --> 00:08:12,144
Whatever I do,
I'm sure I could do it better than you.
198
00:08:12,228 --> 00:08:13,937
Two days.
199
00:08:14,019 --> 00:08:15,687
All 10's.
200
00:08:16,478 --> 00:08:17,603
Deal.
201
00:08:17,687 --> 00:08:20,395
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Aloha. Aloha to you.
202
00:08:21,061 --> 00:08:23,228
Aloha. Alo...
203
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:26,395
- Oh, hey, Dinesh.
- What the fuck.
204
00:08:26,645 --> 00:08:27,770
I like your beard.
205
00:08:27,853 --> 00:08:29,687
Um, why are you here?
Where's AJ?
206
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,687
Oh, AJ can't come.
You wanted him
207
00:08:31,770 --> 00:08:33,978
to become a certified scuba
before the trip, right?
208
00:08:34,061 --> 00:08:35,603
Yeah, so we could...
209
00:08:35,687 --> 00:08:37,144
fucking scuba, Gabe.
210
00:08:37,228 --> 00:08:39,037
Well, he finished all his
check dives last night,
211
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:41,311
but you have to wait
24 hours before you fly,
212
00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:43,687
so we decided to trade places.
213
00:08:43,770 --> 00:08:45,436
- For the day?
- Uh, no.
214
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,269
F-for-for all of it.
215
00:08:48,603 --> 00:08:50,269
- Why?
- Because it...
216
00:08:50,353 --> 00:08:52,520
- it-it'd be easier?
- No.
217
00:08:52,603 --> 00:08:54,687
And what are you
doing in first class?
218
00:08:54,770 --> 00:08:57,186
So, the pilot is from Pakistan.
219
00:08:57,269 --> 00:09:00,353
I said, "Hey, I know a guy from Pakistan.
I work with him."
220
00:09:00,436 --> 00:09:01,829
And then he said,
"Hey, why don't you
221
00:09:01,853 --> 00:09:05,395
come to the front
and sit in the big chairs."
222
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,645
B-but that's me.
I'm the guy from Pakistan.
223
00:09:07,728 --> 00:09:10,395
I told him that, and then he...
And then he put me here.
224
00:09:10,478 --> 00:09:13,144
Okay, but I,
the guy from Pakistan...
225
00:09:13,228 --> 00:09:15,186
- Right.
- Am back in economy.
226
00:09:15,269 --> 00:09:17,937
Sir? You're gonna need
to take your seat.
227
00:09:18,019 --> 00:09:19,812
And Captain Bashir
wanted you to have
228
00:09:19,895 --> 00:09:21,269
these samosas his mother made.
229
00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:23,144
Oh. No, thank you.
230
00:09:23,228 --> 00:09:25,687
♪ ♪
231
00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:28,019
(TYPING)
232
00:09:30,561 --> 00:09:32,728
You got to be
fucking kidding me.
233
00:09:32,812 --> 00:09:34,770
Hey, Danny? Excuse me?
234
00:09:35,478 --> 00:09:37,019
- What are you wearing?
- A shirt.
235
00:09:37,103 --> 00:09:38,269
(SCOFFS)
236
00:09:38,770 --> 00:09:41,812
- Oh my God.
- I think a lot of what Gavin is saying makes sense.
237
00:09:41,895 --> 00:09:44,395
Yeah, of course it does.
I've been saying it for years.
238
00:09:44,478 --> 00:09:47,395
- So, you agree with him?
- Well, no. He is full of shit.
239
00:09:47,478 --> 00:09:50,728
But, you aren't, even though
you're saying the same things?
240
00:09:50,812 --> 00:09:52,853
Yeah, because I mean it!
And I said it first!
241
00:09:52,937 --> 00:09:54,395
That feels petty and personal,
242
00:09:54,478 --> 00:09:56,812
which is against
Gavin's code of tethics.
243
00:09:56,895 --> 00:09:58,454
- What does that even mean?
- Hey, Richard,
244
00:09:58,478 --> 00:10:00,728
- are you signing Gavin's pledge?
- Ah, what?
245
00:10:00,812 --> 00:10:02,454
Because I'm getting a lot
of heat from my friends
246
00:10:02,478 --> 00:10:04,937
over at Facebook for working
at an untethical company.
247
00:10:05,019 --> 00:10:08,061
Okay, cool. So, Facebook
is calling us untethical.
248
00:10:08,144 --> 00:10:09,584
Yeah, because they
signed the pledge.
249
00:10:09,645 --> 00:10:11,269
So did Google
and Amazon and Twitter.
250
00:10:11,353 --> 00:10:12,770
- Don't care.
- DANNY: Speaking of,
251
00:10:12,853 --> 00:10:13,978
even if you don't sign,
252
00:10:14,061 --> 00:10:15,770
could you at least
stop tweeting about it?
253
00:10:15,853 --> 00:10:19,436
"Anyone who signs this
Tethics thing is a thumbass"?
254
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,895
- That doesn't even make sense.
- (CHUCKLE) Yes, it does.
255
00:10:21,978 --> 00:10:23,603
It's dumb-ass but with thumb.
256
00:10:23,687 --> 00:10:26,228
Thumbass.
It's basically perfect.
257
00:10:26,311 --> 00:10:29,144
Tethics is tech ethics.
What's the thumb part?
258
00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:31,603
And why are you tweeting that
from your personal account?
259
00:10:31,687 --> 00:10:33,812
The Verge referred to you
as "notable tethics holdout"
260
00:10:33,895 --> 00:10:36,269
and amateur insult comedian
Richard Hendricks."
261
00:10:36,353 --> 00:10:38,603
(SIGH) - Andy Borowitz wrote
a pointed piece about you
262
00:10:38,687 --> 00:10:42,061
- called "Doubting Richard."
- Ah, see? That doesn't really make any sense.
263
00:10:42,144 --> 00:10:44,079
I mean, what's the pun?
What am I supposed to be enjoying there?
264
00:10:44,103 --> 00:10:45,788
- Now, you're harshing on Borowitz?
- Well yeah,
265
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,395
if he's coming up
with those zingers.
266
00:10:47,478 --> 00:10:49,245
If you like Andy Borowitz so
much, why don't you marry him?
267
00:10:49,269 --> 00:10:51,603
Says the guy who's three
months behind in child support.
268
00:10:51,687 --> 00:10:52,978
A dog is not a child!
269
00:10:53,061 --> 00:10:54,353
- Uh...
- Michael Eisenberg
270
00:10:54,436 --> 00:10:55,520
from AT&T is on the phone.
271
00:10:55,603 --> 00:10:57,895
- He says it's urgent.
- Ah, great.
272
00:10:58,561 --> 00:11:00,019
Hey, Michael, what's up?
273
00:11:00,103 --> 00:11:03,770
- Did you just publicly insult my boss?
- What? No.
274
00:11:03,853 --> 00:11:05,704
"Anyone who signs this
Tethics thing is a thumbass."
275
00:11:05,728 --> 00:11:08,186
Well, my boss just signed
Gavin Belson's pledge.
276
00:11:08,269 --> 00:11:09,537
- He did? Why?
- MICHAEL: Because
277
00:11:09,561 --> 00:11:11,401
loudmouths like you got up
in front of Congress
278
00:11:11,478 --> 00:11:13,829
and whined about how somebody needed
to do something about big tech.
279
00:11:13,853 --> 00:11:15,478
Okay, I did that one time...
280
00:11:15,561 --> 00:11:16,978
MICHAEL:
And now, Gavin has managed
281
00:11:17,061 --> 00:11:18,436
to paint himself as that guy.
282
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,019
And we all have to fall in line,
or we'll be in PR hell.
283
00:11:21,103 --> 00:11:23,812
Or worse! We'll face
government regulation.
284
00:11:23,895 --> 00:11:26,061
- MICHAEL: Look, have you read his pledge?
- (LAUGHS)
285
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,520
No, of course not. It's trash.
286
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:30,019
The first line says,
"We, the undersigned,
287
00:11:30,103 --> 00:11:33,103
promise to make best efforts to,"
blah, blah, blah.
288
00:11:33,186 --> 00:11:35,478
Best efforts, Richard.
It's totally toothless.
289
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:37,520
Yes. Exactly, Michael.
That's entirely my point.
290
00:11:37,603 --> 00:11:39,853
It's all empty bullshit.
It means nothing.
291
00:11:39,937 --> 00:11:41,687
MICHAEL: Then who the fuck
cares, Richard?
292
00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:44,520
Do not fuck this all up
over a pointless moral stand!
293
00:11:44,603 --> 00:11:46,079
- Okay.
- MICHAEL: Sign the fucking pledge!
294
00:11:46,103 --> 00:11:48,186
Oh, and stop tweeting about
thumbs up people's asses.
295
00:11:48,269 --> 00:11:50,603
- Oh. No, th-that's wordplay.
- (HANGS UP, DIAL TONE)
296
00:11:50,687 --> 00:11:51,853
Michael?
297
00:11:51,937 --> 00:11:54,603
♪ ♪
298
00:11:54,687 --> 00:11:57,353
That is one lucky mug,
Holden, my friend.
299
00:11:57,436 --> 00:11:59,228
- Please stop.
- Stop what?
300
00:11:59,311 --> 00:12:02,079
- You're just trying to creep me out so that I'll quit.
- (LAUGHS) What?
301
00:12:02,103 --> 00:12:05,103
I mean, why wouldn't
somebody be nice to you?
302
00:12:06,103 --> 00:12:07,853
Are you a piece of shit?
303
00:12:07,937 --> 00:12:09,978
(CHUCKLES)
304
00:12:13,061 --> 00:12:15,770
- GABE: Oh hey, Dinesh.
- DINESH: Okay, listen, Gabe.
305
00:12:15,853 --> 00:12:17,687
I spent the entire
flight streamlining
306
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:20,103
our setup procedure,
so I am gonna take
307
00:12:20,186 --> 00:12:22,186
the rental convertible
and drive tower to tower,
308
00:12:22,269 --> 00:12:26,186
most of which are on pristine
beaches or scenic volcanoes
309
00:12:26,269 --> 00:12:30,144
to check coverage while you
sit at the office by yourself.
310
00:12:30,228 --> 00:12:32,228
- Welcome...
- Oh! No! No! I get it.
311
00:12:32,311 --> 00:12:35,371
- Put it on me. I-I don't want the plastic one.
- Are you one of the first cla...
312
00:12:35,395 --> 00:12:37,645
Put it on me.
Put it on me. Put it...
313
00:12:37,978 --> 00:12:38,770
Aloha.
314
00:12:38,853 --> 00:12:41,019
♪ ♪
315
00:12:41,103 --> 00:12:43,812
Richard.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
316
00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:46,603
Just calling to, you know.
317
00:12:46,687 --> 00:12:48,436
To what, Richard?
318
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,645
- Sign your thing.
- GAVIN: My thing? To sign my thing?
319
00:12:51,728 --> 00:12:55,770
I sense a certain lack
of commitment, Richard.
320
00:12:55,853 --> 00:12:57,687
I mean, if I suspected
the only reason
321
00:12:57,770 --> 00:12:59,436
you wanted to lend
your name to my cause
322
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,603
was because of the enormous
pressure you're probably facing
323
00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:04,895
as a notable holdout, well,
324
00:13:04,978 --> 00:13:06,436
how could I allow you
325
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,061
to add your name
to my tethics pledge?
326
00:13:09,144 --> 00:13:11,311
That would be... untethical.
327
00:13:11,395 --> 00:13:14,603
Gavin, come on. Just...
can we get this over with?
328
00:13:14,687 --> 00:13:15,829
GAVIN:
Then again, the idea of you
329
00:13:15,853 --> 00:13:17,144
publicly committing
to the cause,
330
00:13:17,228 --> 00:13:19,436
that gives me joy.
331
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:23,186
So yes, Richard, I'd be happy
to be your moral mentor.
332
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,478
I guess I'll see you
at the ceremony.
333
00:13:25,561 --> 00:13:27,603
- What ceremony?
- GAVIN: The groundbreaking
334
00:13:27,687 --> 00:13:30,645
- for the Institute.
- Richard: What fucking institute?
335
00:13:30,728 --> 00:13:34,019
The Belson Institute of Tethics.
It's all on our website.
336
00:13:34,103 --> 00:13:36,186
You and the others
will all be there
337
00:13:36,269 --> 00:13:38,436
to publicly commit
to the pledge.
338
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,853
Also, I'm gonna be asking
you to say a few words.
339
00:13:40,937 --> 00:13:43,978
Just a bit about how
much of a fan you are,
340
00:13:44,061 --> 00:13:47,520
dedicated to the cause, my
cause, maybe lead with a joke.
341
00:13:47,603 --> 00:13:49,478
Be good to have
you there, Richard.
342
00:13:49,853 --> 00:13:52,603
Securing my legacy
with you at my wing.
343
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,728
Wear pants you can kneel in.
344
00:13:57,687 --> 00:13:58,728
Hey, Nathan!
345
00:13:58,812 --> 00:14:02,395
I was, uh, perusing
your file, and I just...
346
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:06,561
Hey.
347
00:14:07,687 --> 00:14:09,520
- What?
- Sorry. I just, um,
348
00:14:09,603 --> 00:14:11,561
I was quickly
perusing your file...
349
00:14:11,645 --> 00:14:13,228
That's not what peruse means.
350
00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:16,770
Peruse means to read
thoroughly and carefully.
351
00:14:17,269 --> 00:14:20,687
Wow. That... that's...
super helpful.
352
00:14:20,770 --> 00:14:23,603
Thank you for that tip.
353
00:14:23,687 --> 00:14:25,687
Um, anyway, yeah,
354
00:14:25,770 --> 00:14:28,937
I was just curious to know,
like, what's it like...
355
00:14:29,019 --> 00:14:30,436
growing up in Rhode Island?
356
00:14:30,978 --> 00:14:34,186
Well, maybe some time when
you're working on something,
357
00:14:34,269 --> 00:14:36,520
I can come interrupt your flow
358
00:14:36,603 --> 00:14:40,478
and use words incorrectly
to tell you about it.
359
00:14:43,561 --> 00:14:45,144
Got it.
360
00:14:46,937 --> 00:14:49,103
Oh, you own a Prius?
361
00:14:49,186 --> 00:14:52,103
Popular choice. Later, Daniel.
362
00:14:52,561 --> 00:14:53,770
What?
363
00:14:53,853 --> 00:14:55,687
♪ ♪
364
00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:57,812
Well, you win.
365
00:14:57,895 --> 00:15:01,353
That is the worst case
of contact dermatitis
366
00:15:01,436 --> 00:15:02,603
I have ever seen.
367
00:15:02,687 --> 00:15:04,812
- The itching is so insane!
- Right.
368
00:15:04,895 --> 00:15:06,395
- It's like from the inside!
- Warren!
369
00:15:06,478 --> 00:15:08,287
Come here, I want you to see something.
This is Warren,
370
00:15:08,311 --> 00:15:10,895
our resident.
This is his first week.
371
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,561
Warren, I want you to notice
372
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,395
the violent allergic reaction
373
00:15:14,478 --> 00:15:17,937
to the plumeria flowers
used in the patient's lei,
374
00:15:18,019 --> 00:15:19,144
which is weird.
375
00:15:19,228 --> 00:15:21,019
Normally, they just
hand out plastic ones.
376
00:15:21,103 --> 00:15:22,144
Just make it stop!
377
00:15:22,228 --> 00:15:23,895
Well, the good news is a strong
378
00:15:23,978 --> 00:15:26,895
anti-histamine shot oughta
take care of it in no time.
379
00:15:26,978 --> 00:15:30,478
Oh! Great! Yeah! The shot!
Just-just gimme the shot!
380
00:15:30,561 --> 00:15:33,520
Now, before we proceed,
I should warn you the shot,
381
00:15:33,603 --> 00:15:35,061
it works like gangbusters,
382
00:15:35,144 --> 00:15:36,770
but it does tend to cause
383
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,228
acute sensitivity to sunlight,
384
00:15:39,311 --> 00:15:40,978
so you're gonna
wanna stay indoors
385
00:15:41,061 --> 00:15:43,812
- for four to six weeks.
- What?!
386
00:15:43,895 --> 00:15:45,520
Warren, no!
387
00:15:46,937 --> 00:15:50,061
We wait until after
I've explained
388
00:15:50,144 --> 00:15:52,687
all the possible complications,
389
00:15:52,770 --> 00:15:54,561
and only then,
390
00:15:54,645 --> 00:15:56,520
do we administer the injection.
391
00:15:56,603 --> 00:15:58,728
- Did you say four to six weeks?
- Yep.
392
00:15:58,812 --> 00:16:02,186
Otherwise, you're gonna be back
here for something a lot worse.
393
00:16:03,019 --> 00:16:04,687
All right, well...
394
00:16:05,311 --> 00:16:07,603
that was a teachable
moment, huh?
395
00:16:07,687 --> 00:16:08,937
- Yeah. Sure.
- Yeah.
396
00:16:09,019 --> 00:16:10,186
♪ ♪
397
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:12,770
(VIDEO GAME NOISES)
398
00:16:12,853 --> 00:16:15,603
I got next.
And, uh, better watch out
399
00:16:15,687 --> 00:16:18,103
'cause I am the queen
of Asteroids.
400
00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:20,978
- Are you trying to cut in line?
- You don't need a quarter.
401
00:16:21,061 --> 00:16:22,770
It's on free play, duh.
402
00:16:22,853 --> 00:16:25,561
We get it.
You make more money than us.
403
00:16:27,061 --> 00:16:28,728
Okay, you know what?
404
00:16:32,228 --> 00:16:34,019
- CARL: Gilfoyle, you're awesome.
- Carl.
405
00:16:34,895 --> 00:16:36,353
You're doin' it.
406
00:16:36,436 --> 00:16:38,687
♪ ♪
407
00:16:39,228 --> 00:16:40,645
What the fuck?
408
00:16:40,728 --> 00:16:42,687
My man.
409
00:16:43,978 --> 00:16:45,645
"Integrity.
We do the right thing.
410
00:16:45,728 --> 00:16:48,603
- "We are committed to the highest ethical standards."
- It's all such
411
00:16:48,687 --> 00:16:52,186
banal, self-righteous,
hacky bullshit.
412
00:16:52,269 --> 00:16:53,687
- And I have to endorse it?
- Yeah.
413
00:16:53,770 --> 00:16:57,311
It is particularly pedestrian
pablum, even for Gavin.
414
00:16:57,395 --> 00:16:59,019
"Responsibility. We contribute"
415
00:16:59,103 --> 00:17:01,019
to the growth, joy,
and enrichment
416
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,061
of all the lives we touch.
417
00:17:03,144 --> 00:17:04,978
- "Courage..."
- Wait, uh,
418
00:17:05,061 --> 00:17:06,741
- what was that last one?
- Responsibility?
419
00:17:06,812 --> 00:17:08,687
Uh, "We contribute
to the growth",
420
00:17:08,770 --> 00:17:11,269
joy, and enrichment
of all the lives we touch."
421
00:17:12,978 --> 00:17:14,103
Holden!
422
00:17:14,728 --> 00:17:17,228
Can you bring the menu
book in here, please?
423
00:17:17,561 --> 00:17:18,770
Hi, guy!
424
00:17:19,812 --> 00:17:21,520
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
425
00:17:21,603 --> 00:17:24,395
Yes. You are a good boy.
426
00:17:25,687 --> 00:17:27,269
Are you hungry?
427
00:17:27,353 --> 00:17:30,103
I am. Holden.
428
00:17:30,603 --> 00:17:32,269
Holden.
429
00:17:32,561 --> 00:17:33,561
Holden.
430
00:17:34,436 --> 00:17:35,728
Holden...
431
00:17:35,812 --> 00:17:37,728
Ah, good. Applebee's. We were...
432
00:17:37,812 --> 00:17:39,228
ordering from here
the other night,
433
00:17:39,311 --> 00:17:42,520
and we were all joking about
this, uh... Yes, look.
434
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,478
Uh, so, their mission statement
435
00:17:44,561 --> 00:17:47,436
is right near their nachos,
and we were saying
436
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,895
that this is not-cho
mission statement.
437
00:17:49,978 --> 00:17:52,395
- (CHUCKLING)
- Wait, I'm sorry.
438
00:17:52,478 --> 00:17:54,019
Was that a joke?
439
00:17:54,687 --> 00:17:56,561
That. It's... it's a pun.
440
00:17:56,645 --> 00:17:58,853
- Right.
- It's just like thumbass, you know.
441
00:17:58,937 --> 00:18:00,353
It's in the same genre.
442
00:18:00,687 --> 00:18:03,770
- JARED: Like what?
- Thumbass? I've been saying it a lot.
443
00:18:05,353 --> 00:18:07,144
- (CHUCKLES)
- Read it, read it.
444
00:18:07,978 --> 00:18:09,579
"At Applebee's,
our mission is to contribute"
445
00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:11,061
to the growth, joy...
446
00:18:11,144 --> 00:18:14,687
"and enrichment of all the
lives we touch." Wait...
447
00:18:14,770 --> 00:18:17,728
That's word for word
what's in Gavin's pledge.
448
00:18:17,812 --> 00:18:19,061
Yes, it is.
449
00:18:19,144 --> 00:18:21,120
- You don't think...
- That's exactly what I think.
450
00:18:21,144 --> 00:18:23,645
Read me another one of
Gavin's frilly sentences.
451
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:27,853
"Maintaining our uncompromising
principles while we grow."
452
00:18:27,937 --> 00:18:29,603
(TYPING)
453
00:18:29,687 --> 00:18:32,061
(SCOFFS) That's Starbucks.
454
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:33,561
Okay, again.
455
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:36,895
"Enhance the quality
of life for all ages."
456
00:18:37,853 --> 00:18:39,603
- That's the AARP.
- Yes!
457
00:18:39,687 --> 00:18:42,103
My best friend Gloria was
a charter member for 35 years
458
00:18:42,186 --> 00:18:44,269
- before she passed.
- RICHARD: The question is...
459
00:18:44,853 --> 00:18:46,937
if Gavin stole his
entire code of conduct
460
00:18:47,019 --> 00:18:49,937
for this stupid
fucking foundation,
461
00:18:50,019 --> 00:18:52,645
what else has he been stealing?
462
00:18:53,937 --> 00:18:55,436
MONICA: All right, I give up.
463
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,311
Even this stupid
hair didn't work.
464
00:18:58,395 --> 00:19:00,895
How are you getting
these people to like you?
465
00:19:00,978 --> 00:19:03,436
I'm not getting
anyone to like me.
466
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:04,840
Bullshit.
I've seen you out there.
467
00:19:04,895 --> 00:19:08,311
It's like you have a non-evil twin.
It's very weird.
468
00:19:08,395 --> 00:19:10,144
Monica...
469
00:19:10,228 --> 00:19:13,436
gaining someone's
confidence is easy.
470
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,978
Appear open and interested
471
00:19:16,061 --> 00:19:17,687
by mimicking their body language
472
00:19:17,770 --> 00:19:20,019
and repeating what
they say back to them.
473
00:19:20,103 --> 00:19:22,812
So, you just repeat
what they say?
474
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:25,061
I just repeat what they say.
475
00:19:25,144 --> 00:19:27,186
I was social engineering them.
476
00:19:28,061 --> 00:19:30,144
Once trust is established,
477
00:19:30,228 --> 00:19:33,061
the social engineer simply
offers up information,
478
00:19:33,144 --> 00:19:36,645
and the subject will
reciprocate: Pets names,
479
00:19:36,728 --> 00:19:38,687
kids names, birthdays.
480
00:19:38,770 --> 00:19:40,812
Then, that
information is entered
481
00:19:40,895 --> 00:19:42,937
into a word list generator.
482
00:19:43,019 --> 00:19:46,269
Pop it with their hash
into John The Ripper,
483
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,478
and within minutes,
484
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,228
you have their passwords.
485
00:19:49,478 --> 00:19:52,019
So, you're just gonna change
all your scores to 10's?
486
00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:53,645
Yep.
487
00:19:54,770 --> 00:19:56,103
Can you do mine, too?
488
00:19:56,436 --> 00:19:59,019
I don't actually
want them to like me.
489
00:19:59,103 --> 00:20:01,812
I hate them.
I really fucking hate them.
490
00:20:01,895 --> 00:20:04,103
I just don't like having 2's.
491
00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:06,770
You know,
492
00:20:06,812 --> 00:20:09,728
I could raise both of our scores
493
00:20:09,812 --> 00:20:12,812
and continue this charade. Or...
494
00:20:12,895 --> 00:20:15,436
I could lower someone else's,
495
00:20:15,812 --> 00:20:19,603
and put an end to these
shenanigans once and for all.
496
00:20:19,687 --> 00:20:21,103
I like it.
497
00:20:22,061 --> 00:20:23,436
(CLINK)
498
00:20:24,228 --> 00:20:26,103
(APPLAUSE)
499
00:20:26,561 --> 00:20:27,687
Thank you.
500
00:20:27,770 --> 00:20:29,520
It's quite an event, eh?
501
00:20:30,019 --> 00:20:33,269
See down there?
It's Facebook, Google,
502
00:20:33,603 --> 00:20:35,228
even fucking Bezos sent someone.
503
00:20:35,311 --> 00:20:38,061
All here to support
the cause. My cause.
504
00:20:38,144 --> 00:20:39,645
(INDISTINCT SPEAKER)
505
00:20:39,728 --> 00:20:41,645
- You know who else showed up?
- Mm.
506
00:20:42,269 --> 00:20:43,853
Starbucks.
507
00:20:44,770 --> 00:20:45,978
Very good company.
508
00:20:46,061 --> 00:20:48,812
Filled with smart people
with bold ideas.
509
00:20:49,269 --> 00:20:50,770
- I suppose.
- Also,
510
00:20:51,436 --> 00:20:53,520
Anusol Plus.
511
00:20:54,228 --> 00:20:55,812
Do you have hemorrhoids, Gavin?
512
00:20:55,895 --> 00:20:57,603
Not currently.
513
00:20:58,144 --> 00:21:00,478
Made by Johnson & Johnson,
also a good company.
514
00:21:00,561 --> 00:21:01,770
Do you know what they do?
515
00:21:01,853 --> 00:21:04,395
They spark solutions
516
00:21:04,478 --> 00:21:07,144
that create a better,
healthier world.
517
00:21:07,228 --> 00:21:08,687
Just like you.
518
00:21:08,770 --> 00:21:09,937
You remember writing that?
519
00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:11,144
I'm a busy man, Richard.
520
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,895
I've lived an incredible life.
521
00:21:12,978 --> 00:21:14,937
I saw a yeti one time,
522
00:21:15,019 --> 00:21:17,395
and forgot for a couple years.
523
00:21:17,478 --> 00:21:18,770
Well,
524
00:21:18,853 --> 00:21:20,937
I ran your little pledge
525
00:21:21,019 --> 00:21:23,520
through a plagiarism
detection API.
526
00:21:24,311 --> 00:21:25,603
What are you implying, Richard?
527
00:21:25,687 --> 00:21:28,144
Well, I also looked
at transcripts of
528
00:21:28,228 --> 00:21:29,978
your interviews and speeches.
529
00:21:30,186 --> 00:21:33,937
Your commencement speech at
Liberty University. Stolen,
530
00:21:34,186 --> 00:21:36,978
from an obscure
Afghan philosopher.
531
00:21:37,186 --> 00:21:39,436
And also, do you see
532
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,019
that guy right there?
533
00:21:41,561 --> 00:21:43,603
That is Rod Morgenstern,
534
00:21:43,687 --> 00:21:45,478
the author of
"The Nautilus of Dreams,"
535
00:21:45,561 --> 00:21:48,228
the eBook you blatantly
plagiarized and turned into.
536
00:21:48,311 --> 00:21:50,436
"Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses."
537
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,269
Do you know how much
harder my life has been
538
00:21:52,353 --> 00:21:54,687
- because I cared about ethics?
- Tethics.
539
00:21:54,770 --> 00:21:56,704
I could've lost my company
a dozen different times
540
00:21:56,728 --> 00:21:58,687
because I couldn't compromise
541
00:21:58,770 --> 00:22:00,995
- on my ethics, and now you're turning ethics...
- Tethics.
542
00:22:01,019 --> 00:22:03,079
- Tethics.
- Into some kind of fucking vanity project.
543
00:22:03,103 --> 00:22:05,311
- Tethics, Richard. Tethics.
- Stop it.
544
00:22:05,395 --> 00:22:06,978
Something I came up
with on my own.
545
00:22:07,061 --> 00:22:09,728
Well, it sounds fuckin' dumb.
546
00:22:11,645 --> 00:22:12,937
What do you want?
547
00:22:13,395 --> 00:22:15,269
Ever since I turned
down your $10 million,
548
00:22:15,353 --> 00:22:18,853
all I ever wanted was
for you to just go away.
549
00:22:18,937 --> 00:22:20,687
But, you and Hooli have tried
550
00:22:20,770 --> 00:22:22,728
to fuck me over
a thousand different ways.
551
00:22:22,812 --> 00:22:24,812
You're a billionaire.
You can do anything you want.
552
00:22:24,895 --> 00:22:28,353
You can run for president or
buy a fuckin' basketball team,
553
00:22:28,436 --> 00:22:30,603
but you can't do this.
554
00:22:31,228 --> 00:22:32,687
And I'm gonna make sure of it.
555
00:22:33,144 --> 00:22:35,478
So, if you'll excuse me,
I have to...
556
00:22:36,228 --> 00:22:37,645
look over my speech.
557
00:22:40,353 --> 00:22:42,311
(SPEAKER CONTINUES)
558
00:22:45,311 --> 00:22:46,228
Hey!
559
00:22:46,311 --> 00:22:48,353
So, you guys raised some issues
560
00:22:48,436 --> 00:22:50,978
with Piper-Pulse,
so I really started looking into it,
561
00:22:51,061 --> 00:22:52,478
and it turns out,
there are some...
562
00:22:52,561 --> 00:22:55,853
real problems with its
reliability as a metric. So,
563
00:22:55,937 --> 00:22:57,019
I'm shutting it down.
564
00:22:57,103 --> 00:22:58,311
- Aw.
- Hm.
565
00:22:58,395 --> 00:23:00,478
But the scores are derived
from our coworkers,
566
00:23:00,561 --> 00:23:03,603
the most reliable indicator
of job performance.
567
00:23:03,687 --> 00:23:05,436
Yeah, maybe we could help.
You know,
568
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:07,603
- I'm sure if we took a look under the hood...
- No!
569
00:23:08,019 --> 00:23:10,269
Bad system. Didn't work.
570
00:23:10,353 --> 00:23:11,728
Thank you.
571
00:23:13,395 --> 00:23:14,561
(CLINK)
572
00:23:14,645 --> 00:23:17,937
(SPEAKING NATIVE
AMERICAN LANGUAGE)
573
00:23:26,728 --> 00:23:29,395
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
574
00:23:29,478 --> 00:23:31,311
Oh, I guess I'm up.
575
00:23:31,395 --> 00:23:33,728
- (CLAPPING)
- Thank you.
576
00:23:33,812 --> 00:23:36,228
Thank you, Elder Red Spirit,
577
00:23:36,311 --> 00:23:38,937
for those profound...
578
00:23:39,019 --> 00:23:40,228
sentiments.
579
00:23:40,311 --> 00:23:41,812
I'm sorry.
580
00:23:43,269 --> 00:23:44,603
I, uh...
581
00:23:44,687 --> 00:23:46,311
I can't do this.
582
00:23:47,228 --> 00:23:48,645
(SIGH) As humbling as it is
583
00:23:48,728 --> 00:23:51,520
to have all of you sitting
here, paying tribute to me,
584
00:23:52,144 --> 00:23:53,812
I have to be honest.
585
00:23:55,353 --> 00:23:57,395
I have been anything
but ethical.
586
00:23:58,019 --> 00:24:01,269
In truth, I am
a plagiarist, and a liar,
587
00:24:01,353 --> 00:24:04,561
and a thief.
Ironically, the very...
588
00:24:05,895 --> 00:24:08,895
code of virtue I've asked
you all to abide by was,
589
00:24:08,978 --> 00:24:11,186
in itself, stolen.
590
00:24:11,687 --> 00:24:13,478
And perhaps, some day,
591
00:24:13,561 --> 00:24:15,269
someone may
592
00:24:15,353 --> 00:24:17,561
erect a foundation
the likes of this.
593
00:24:18,645 --> 00:24:21,478
But it will not be,
and should not,
594
00:24:21,561 --> 00:24:22,728
be me.
595
00:24:24,311 --> 00:24:26,978
And in the interest
of being truly honest,
596
00:24:27,061 --> 00:24:28,728
this is not new behavior.
597
00:24:28,812 --> 00:24:31,520
I have, for years and years,
598
00:24:31,603 --> 00:24:35,019
practiced a parasitic
and cynical brand of
599
00:24:35,103 --> 00:24:38,603
predatory capitalism that
leaves nothing to be admired.
600
00:24:38,687 --> 00:24:41,603
Ethics? Not a priority.
601
00:24:41,687 --> 00:24:43,812
In fact, my behavior
602
00:24:43,895 --> 00:24:45,728
may have bordered on criminal.
603
00:24:45,812 --> 00:24:48,812
And to those I have
wronged by this,
604
00:24:48,895 --> 00:24:50,228
I apologize.
605
00:24:50,311 --> 00:24:52,770
But apologies are cheap,
aren't they?
606
00:24:52,853 --> 00:24:54,561
There must be a reckoning.
607
00:24:54,895 --> 00:24:56,561
Which is why today,
608
00:24:56,645 --> 00:24:58,978
here in this public forum,
609
00:24:59,061 --> 00:25:01,645
I call for the attorney general
610
00:25:01,728 --> 00:25:03,353
of the state of
California to launch
611
00:25:03,436 --> 00:25:05,061
an immediate investigation
612
00:25:05,144 --> 00:25:08,186
of my conduct as CEO of Hooli...
613
00:25:09,228 --> 00:25:11,770
- (CROWD MURMURING)
- leaving no stone unturned.
614
00:25:12,103 --> 00:25:14,353
The truth must
finally be revealed.
615
00:25:15,228 --> 00:25:16,853
I apologize
616
00:25:16,937 --> 00:25:19,269
for putting you all
through this, especially...
617
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,770
those of you who
actually lead lives of...
618
00:25:23,144 --> 00:25:25,269
real virtue.
619
00:25:25,853 --> 00:25:29,061
- (SIGHS)
- (CROWD MURMURING)
620
00:25:30,770 --> 00:25:32,478
Hey, Gavin.
621
00:25:32,561 --> 00:25:34,603
I know that wasn't easy.
622
00:25:34,687 --> 00:25:36,186
Sure about that?
623
00:25:36,645 --> 00:25:39,436
Should've taken
the $10 million, Richard.
624
00:25:40,144 --> 00:25:43,728
Enjoy the injunction, thumbass.
625
00:25:45,978 --> 00:25:47,103
What?
626
00:25:47,937 --> 00:25:49,436
Okay, Donny. Yeah, you, too,
627
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:51,395
and I appreciate it, by the way.
628
00:25:51,478 --> 00:25:53,770
All right, I'll catch you
on the flip side.
629
00:25:54,436 --> 00:25:58,103
(SIGH) Okay, so, this is real.
630
00:25:58,186 --> 00:26:01,395
The AG just told me they're
launching an investigation
631
00:26:01,478 --> 00:26:05,061
into Gavin's price fixing
and anti-competitive behavior
632
00:26:05,144 --> 00:26:06,812
while he was at Hooli,
633
00:26:06,895 --> 00:26:08,770
and Gavin called it.
So, obviously,
634
00:26:08,853 --> 00:26:11,228
the first move is to file
an injunction against
635
00:26:11,311 --> 00:26:15,353
any further merging between
Hooli and Pied Piper.
636
00:26:15,770 --> 00:26:17,520
Okay. W-what does
injunction mean?
637
00:26:17,603 --> 00:26:19,395
- What does that mean?
- It means
638
00:26:19,478 --> 00:26:22,603
until this
investigation concludes,
639
00:26:22,687 --> 00:26:25,603
you are prohibited
from mixing any more.
640
00:26:25,687 --> 00:26:28,186
Hooli chocolate with
the Pied Piper peanut butter.
641
00:26:28,269 --> 00:26:32,144
Well, we're in the middle
of merging our codebases.
642
00:26:32,228 --> 00:26:34,895
- Yeah, unmerge them.
- Well, that's impossible.
643
00:26:34,978 --> 00:26:38,478
I mean, Christ, we're using
HooliPhones in our Hawaii test.
644
00:26:39,228 --> 00:26:41,561
So, by calling for
an investigation
645
00:26:41,645 --> 00:26:44,853
into his own behaviors,
he can kill us?
646
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,103
Fuckin' Gavin Belson.
647
00:26:47,186 --> 00:26:50,061
Fuckin' Gavin Belson.
648
00:26:50,144 --> 00:26:51,937
- (CHUCKLING)
- (MOCKING LAUGHTER)
649
00:26:52,019 --> 00:26:53,939
Is this fun? I'm sorry.
Are-are you admiring him?
650
00:26:53,978 --> 00:26:56,937
You got to separate
the artist from the art,
651
00:26:57,019 --> 00:26:58,228
Rico. I mean, this is...
652
00:26:58,311 --> 00:27:00,937
elegant, you know?
This is, this is graceful.
653
00:27:01,019 --> 00:27:03,144
This is kinda like, uh...
654
00:27:03,228 --> 00:27:05,311
What's the, uh,
what's the name of that...
655
00:27:05,395 --> 00:27:07,728
- ballerina dude?
- Baryshnikov.
656
00:27:07,812 --> 00:27:09,019
- No.
- Nureyev?
657
00:27:09,103 --> 00:27:12,436
- No...
- Does it fucking matter, Ron? Who cares?
658
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,520
We're paralyzed!
We're gonna be broke!
659
00:27:14,603 --> 00:27:16,728
Shit, yeah. And,
660
00:27:16,812 --> 00:27:19,228
now Gavin's gonna be
able to buy Pied Piper
661
00:27:19,311 --> 00:27:20,978
for pennies on the dollar.
662
00:27:21,061 --> 00:27:24,019
He is under
investigation, right?
663
00:27:24,103 --> 00:27:26,895
So, something bad
can happen to him.
664
00:27:27,019 --> 00:27:29,019
Worst case, they find
he acted in bad faith,
665
00:27:29,103 --> 00:27:32,395
and then Hooli's got to pay
a big fine or something.
666
00:27:33,353 --> 00:27:34,937
But you own Hooli, so...
667
00:27:35,019 --> 00:27:37,561
you'd have to pay that fine.
668
00:27:37,645 --> 00:27:39,395
Fucking ninja!
669
00:27:40,853 --> 00:27:42,269
(SIGH)
670
00:27:42,353 --> 00:27:43,478
We're dead.
671
00:27:43,561 --> 00:27:45,728
Gregory Hines!
672
00:27:46,353 --> 00:27:48,770
Dancer guy.
He's an American treasure.
673
00:27:51,561 --> 00:27:53,728
RUSS: Richard Hendricks!
674
00:27:55,937 --> 00:27:58,061
What's up? (GRUNT)
675
00:28:00,061 --> 00:28:02,019
Right? Right?
676
00:28:02,103 --> 00:28:04,186
Read it. Get it?
677
00:28:04,269 --> 00:28:07,645
- Now say it.
- Look, Russ, I don't really have time for you right now.
678
00:28:07,728 --> 00:28:10,353
Or your festival,
if that's why you're here.
679
00:28:10,436 --> 00:28:11,895
The Attorney General
of California
680
00:28:11,978 --> 00:28:13,561
just signed our
fuckin' death warrant.
681
00:28:13,645 --> 00:28:15,520
Yeah, I heard Belson
gaped your asshole today
682
00:28:15,603 --> 00:28:17,019
- and not in that fun way.
- Cool.
683
00:28:17,103 --> 00:28:18,770
Great. Well,
684
00:28:18,853 --> 00:28:20,579
I've got to go inside
and tell everyone, so...
685
00:28:20,603 --> 00:28:22,436
No, you don't, you lucky fuck.
686
00:28:23,061 --> 00:28:24,228
(CLICKING TONGUE)
687
00:28:24,311 --> 00:28:26,478
Lucky fucky. Richard,
688
00:28:26,561 --> 00:28:28,353
Don Delarenta,
the AG of California,
689
00:28:28,436 --> 00:28:30,120
is gonna do whatever
the fuck I tell him to do.
690
00:28:30,144 --> 00:28:32,812
- Why?
- 'Cause I have dirt on him.
691
00:28:32,895 --> 00:28:35,019
Two years ago, he had
an open-and-shut case
692
00:28:35,103 --> 00:28:37,645
against a guy who
committed terrible crimes,
693
00:28:37,728 --> 00:28:38,978
but he didn't prosecute him
694
00:28:39,061 --> 00:28:40,861
'cause that guy bribed him
and I can prove it.
695
00:28:40,937 --> 00:28:42,913
You think the fuckin' AG is
gonna wanna let the public see
696
00:28:42,937 --> 00:28:45,228
that he didn't prosecute
a guy who did this?
697
00:28:45,311 --> 00:28:47,603
- Oh, my God! Holy fuck!
- Or this?
698
00:28:47,687 --> 00:28:49,853
- Or this? Jesus, look at that.
- Fuck me!
699
00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:51,395
Hold on, wait... Is that you?
700
00:28:51,478 --> 00:28:54,061
Yeah. So is this. This.
Here's portrait mode.
701
00:28:54,144 --> 00:28:56,425
- There's a panoramic in here somewhere.
- I get it, Russ.
702
00:28:56,478 --> 00:28:58,853
Are you the one that
committed the terrible crimes?
703
00:28:58,937 --> 00:29:00,728
Yeah. And that dirtbag
704
00:29:00,812 --> 00:29:03,937
let me off because I contributed
half a mil to his campaign.
705
00:29:04,019 --> 00:29:05,537
Now I had told him
I'd delete the photos,
706
00:29:05,561 --> 00:29:08,436
but what that moron didn't
count on is that I'd forget.
707
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,812
So, Richard. Question.
708
00:29:11,144 --> 00:29:12,645
Should I make the call?
709
00:29:13,186 --> 00:29:14,520
You ready to dump Hawaii,
710
00:29:14,603 --> 00:29:16,186
and join RussFest?
711
00:29:16,269 --> 00:29:18,228
♪ ♪
712
00:29:18,311 --> 00:29:20,228
Ah? Ah? Ah?
713
00:29:20,311 --> 00:29:22,037
You're not really giving
me much of a choice.
714
00:29:22,061 --> 00:29:23,144
Ah!
715
00:29:24,353 --> 00:29:26,144
Don Delarenta, please.
716
00:29:26,436 --> 00:29:28,603
Tell him it's Russ Hanneman.
717
00:29:28,687 --> 00:29:30,019
He'll know.
718
00:29:31,812 --> 00:29:34,561
- (SCUBA BREATHING)
- GABE: Uh, hey, Dinesh?
719
00:29:34,645 --> 00:29:37,228
- Oh hey, Dinesh.
- (CLICK)
720
00:29:37,311 --> 00:29:39,978
(PHONE VIBRATING)
721
00:29:40,978 --> 00:29:42,645
Hey, Richard, what's up?
722
00:29:43,687 --> 00:29:46,103
You want me to come home? Like,
723
00:29:46,186 --> 00:29:47,853
leave Hawaii?
724
00:29:47,937 --> 00:29:50,311
No!
725
00:29:50,895 --> 00:29:52,269
Wait, for what?
726
00:29:52,353 --> 00:29:55,520
So, bitches, what do you think?
727
00:29:57,603 --> 00:29:59,978
♪ ♪
728
00:30:00,687 --> 00:30:02,228
DINESH: It's beautiful.
729
00:30:02,311 --> 00:30:03,895
RUSS: Tres Commas!
730
00:30:03,978 --> 00:30:05,436
Boom!
731
00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:07,061
♪ ♪
732
00:30:07,144 --> 00:30:10,353
(LAUGHTER OVER ELECTRONIC BEAT)
733
00:30:35,812 --> 00:30:38,895
♪ ♪
734
00:31:05,853 --> 00:31:08,937
♪ ♪
735
00:31:18,770 --> 00:31:20,770
Hey, Gilfoyle. So, I've been
thinking about your AI
736
00:31:20,812 --> 00:31:21,937
and its many deficits...
737
00:31:22,019 --> 00:31:24,019
Your issue may be insecurity,
738
00:31:24,103 --> 00:31:27,478
masked by false bravado
and unisex cologne.
739
00:31:27,853 --> 00:31:29,269
(SCOFFS) It's not unisex.
740
00:31:29,353 --> 00:31:30,395
(SNIFFS)
741
00:31:30,895 --> 00:31:32,436
♪ (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
742
00:31:32,978 --> 00:31:34,436
Richard! Russ Fest!
743
00:31:34,770 --> 00:31:37,853
You told AT&T that the hologram
would be interactive, right?
744
00:31:38,269 --> 00:31:39,061
Yes.
745
00:31:39,144 --> 00:31:40,144
See, asshole?!
746
00:31:40,353 --> 00:31:43,228
My hologram can 100 percent
dry hump festival goers
747
00:31:43,311 --> 00:31:44,103
from behind.
748
00:31:44,311 --> 00:31:46,311
If they ask for it.
Hashtag-woke.
749
00:31:47,311 --> 00:31:49,103
Well, the purchasing
seems stable.
750
00:31:49,186 --> 00:31:50,311
Everything is amazing.
751
00:31:50,812 --> 00:31:52,162
- (PANICKED SCREAMS)
- What's it doing?
752
00:31:52,186 --> 00:31:53,371
BERTRAM GILFOYLE:
Everything was fine,
753
00:31:53,395 --> 00:31:55,228
and then the network
started deteriorating.
754
00:31:55,978 --> 00:31:57,978
Also, his trailer
was filled with ants.
755
00:31:58,061 --> 00:31:59,687
♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪
756
00:32:02,144 --> 00:32:03,186
What did we do?
757
00:32:03,395 --> 00:32:04,478
Am I going to jail?
758
00:32:05,103 --> 00:32:07,103
Hey. I can train you.
759
00:32:09,978 --> 00:32:11,603
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
52367
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