Original subtitles

Hello. Look at that.

Ooh, she's got a powerful left hand, that Mrs Willis.

You have to marvel at the chemistry that could bring those two together.

Yeah, apparently they met at Butlins.

He said that she looked like Marilyn Monroe.

Give over!

Marilyn Monroe were gorgeous.

Mrs Willis looks more like Marilyn Manson.

Yeah, but you're forgetting the power of Butlins.

Those chalets were like incubators.

Do you know it was the first time in British social history that

lovers were free from damp grass?

Maybe she did look like Marilyn Monroe.

In the dark.

- I do love a happy ending. - Mmm.

Hi, Leroy.

Hi, Wendy.

That's a lot of Wendy to be saying hi to, isn't it?

That is number 37, Hazelwood drive.

Divorced.

Just moved in.

Well, remember, she may look like that now...

but inside there's an old Mrs Willis waiting to come out.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

There was somebody wearing perfume in this doorway last night.

Could be him from Sprotbrough.

Actually, it was her with me.

Elaine.

Ooh, she always smells good enough to make you forget people

not called Elaine.

Oh, well, let's see what sort of mood Arkwright's in this morning.

Oh!

Who's had a bad night, then?

Short, as usual.

Just remember, if you were longer in bed

your pyjamas wouldn't fit.

I could be reclining on a hammock, in some warm country,

with Scarlett Johansson.

What, on one hammock?

Well, we're saving up for a mortgage.

She doesn't want to live over the shop.

Although I've told her we'll move the boxes of baked beans.

You don't dream like a grocer, you.

Some of my best ideas come at night.

And mine.

While you're snoring I'm practising advanced grocery.

You know, plotting and scheming for this business?

You know what the trouble is?

We've no room for expansion.

I'm not surprised, on one hammock.

Have you never thought about moving to bigger premises?

TILL BANGS COINS SCATTER

Now look what you've done.

You know he's had a bad night!

He didn't mean it.

It was just, you know, off the top of his head.

Bit of mental dandruff.

You know what they're like, at his age.

Hmm?

Lucky be-be-beggar.

What have you been buying now?

Well, what have you got?

"Little Jump-start.

"Electronic assistance for tired feelings.

"Turn your thoughts into muscular activity."

Oh, "Batteries not included."

Hey, hey - we sell batteries, don't we, eh?

"Bored with life?

"You need a Little Jump-start.

"Scientific way to boost lost feelings."

Who is going to fall for that?

Apart from you.

Well, it doesn't matter, does it?

I mean, if they don't work we can say they're...

mognamite detectors.

Mognamite?

It's a little-known gas that seeps out of old wardrobes

and discarded knee bandages.

Right, what's it say?

"Just carry in pocket.

"Do not exceed the recommended."

The recommended what?

It doesn't say. Just ends there.

Oh. All right. Well, never mind.

Go on - put a battery in and then you can try it.

Me?

Well, you'll be all right,

as long as you don't exceed the recommended.

Why don't we both try one?

All right, OK.

You've bought a turkey again.

BELL JINGLES

Oh, hiya. You must be Granville.

Yes. And you must be Hazelwood Drive.

That's right - number 37.

- Wendy. - Oh.

You run a good business here.

And I like your taste in Leroys.

Well, he's the only one I've got,

so I'd like him back in good condition.

Yeah, well, I'll be home later, awaiting his delivery.

Tell him to add a bottle of vodka, all right?

Yes, he likes vodka.

- I know. - Oh.

- Bye. - Bye.

BELL JINGLES

Hey...

I don't know how you can say we don't need more space.

LEROY SNIFFS

Wendy!

Now, listen to me -

you pack in that vodka.

She's going to be a good customer.

Nice woman.

"Nice" is not the first thing that springs to mind.

I know what you mean.

CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

Hey!

- What was that? - Hmm? What was what?

Come on, you were thinking certain thoughts and your arm shot up.

Well, so were you!

You were thinking something

and your knee nearly went through the ceiling!

It is a perfectly innocent grocer-client relationship.

Yeah - just like you and Mavis.

Oh, rubbish!

CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

Hey!

There you go. You see?

- Saucy thoughts and... - HE WHISTLES

They get electronically assisted.

Hmm?

"A little muscular Jump-start."

Hey...

It's these things.

Oh...

Eh up!

This might be useful, this.

It's very odd to find you've got a leg with its own agenda.

A lot of people think that's always been your problem.

And who have they heard it from? Eh?

- You. - Yes, well,

I'm just trying to keep you away from elderly women.

Wendy is 35.

Yes, well, so was that old Mrs Willis and...

look what's happened to her.

And I am not mixed up.

She merely invited me in for coffee.

A good-looking woman, yeah, but what's underneath?

Actually, she's not my type.

Oh, pull the other one, will you?

I tell you what - if I were your age, she'd certainly be my type.

CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

BELL JINGLES

Ah, the happy couple.

Ooh, don't let's jump the gun.

Mr Newbold is entitled to only very limited pleasure in these

early stages of our relationship.

Limited pleasure.

I can testify to that.

A lot to look forward to, though. Eh, Mr Newbold?

Yes, isn't there?

I've told him he'll have to pace himself.

I will allow no liberties

before legalities.

Except...under special circumstances.

CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

Am I disturbing you, Granville?

No, no, it's just a, just a twitch.

I always say just a twitch is better than none.

Aren't we neglecting Mr Newbold?

Yes, please do...

carry on.

I've recently begun to see the benefits of neglect.

Being on my own, abandoned.

Pay no attention. He has these little outbursts.

But I'm reducing his carbohydrates.

She is. I can feel them shrinking.

Now, we're here, Granville, because Mr Newbold has a problem.

I'll say.

Mr Newbold has excessive gravity in his underwear.

That sounds serious.

Well, look at him - struggling with it now.

Mr Newbold's boxer shorts are forever on their way down.

Forgivable, surely, in the first flush of excitement of meeting you.

They're falling down on their own initiative.

They're not party to any excitement.

And I don't see why the state of my underwear should go public.

Nonsense! We have to find a cure.

Can't have you squirming down the street.

Look as if you're pole dancing.

Have you thought of buying new?

No, he has this absurd sentimental attachment to them.

It's only the elastic gone a bit.

Otherwise they're perfectly sound.

Right, now, listen - if you call back later,

I may have the solution, fresh from my supplier.

Fear not, we will stabilise his underwear.

Well, I hope so,

cos I don't want people thinking I'm behind his loose underwear.

I don't want anyone behind me.

I don't want anyone within miles of me.

Oh, stop panicking.

I'm here for you, aren't I?

- Biscuit? - Oh, thank you.

What is it about your husband and your relatives?

Why is there always this iron curtain?

Well, I'm not qualified to speak,

but isn't picking a husband a bit like impulse buying?

Can you really be surprised if your family thinks,

"What the heck did she buy that for?"

I can understand my lot being dubious about Eric.

I mean, let's face it - I'm dubious about Eric.

No, you're not. You love him.

Keep your voice down.

I try and hide it.

You do pretty well, normally.

Oh, thank you.

I don't get it.

What have we got for assisting gentleman

to get a grip on their underwear?

We have the answer to a widespread problem in this area.

And there it is - look!

Right there, look - that's him.

He's doing the dance.

The underwear two-step.

Chasing the bunny.

The bunny?

Aye, well, he's losing his undies, eh?

They're slipping down,

aren't they?

Making me feel like I'm losing mine.

You probably are.

I know I'm losing mine.

Oh, no - don't tell me it's the money belt!

Oh, 'eck!

Oh... Ooh...

Is it your brother that's the problem?

You know, the...

quiet one?

That's tactful.

- You were going to say "miserable", weren't you? - No...

It's true, I was.

I know he's not Mr Smiley,

but he's had a lot in his life to be miserable about.

All I ask of Eric is just try and be nice to him.

Oh, they're not good at nice.

They do nasty much better.

I find they're often nicer underneath.

Underneath an anaesthetic, maybe.

That's true.

They're all more bearable unconscious.

So, does he look after you brother?

Does he 'eck!

He says he does, but you should see the look on his face.

You'd think Lester had a disease!

I've been to Leicester.

It looked all right.

Not the city!

Cath's brother's called "Lester".

Oh, I suppose it's better than Wolverhampton.

It's uncanny, really, isn't it?

How I knew that braces would be making a comeback?

Well, I haven't seen any sign of it.

Nobody I know wears braces.

Well, of course not.

You only know girls.

No, the men have a proud tradition of wearing their undies

to destruction.

Always find room for their favourites.

Better the devil you know...

The ladies spend their lives trying to snatch them off us.

You wish!

I mean, they're forever buying new, aren't they?

You know, new at Christmas and at birthdays, and where do they end up?

They end up in their packs in the bottom of a drawer.

So, here we are -

forever chasing the bunny.

The league of butterfingered gentleman,

whose undies are forever diving to their knees.

But Arkwright's have the solution!

I'd a phone call from our Ethel.

She says, "Walter's passed away."

I tell her, "Oh...

"I'm sorry to hear that.

"But who's Walter?"

She says, "You know who Walter is."

And I say, "No.

"There's not much point in starting now, is there?"

HE LAUGHS

What?

Just waiting for the sign.

What kind of sign?

Well, we'll know it when we see it.

You think we'll see it?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

He's the sort whose undies are in for the long haul.

What's he talking about?

There he goes.

That's it.

Chasing the bunny.

CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

You don't know who you're messing with, kid.

You sure you've got the right kid?

I don't want you parking your trolley at number 37.

I catch it there one more time

and you're dead.

Dead?

Don't you think that's a bit OTT?

Well, what am I supposed to threaten you with -

community service?

Can we just clear up why you need to threaten me at all?

That's my wife you've been parking your trolley at!

- She's divorced. - Don't get technical.

How do you think it looks?

She leaves me - Wayne Ferris...

Now you see where you went wrong?

You've heard the name, right?

Wayne Ferris?

No.

Wayne Ferris!

Rising figure in the criminal underworld!

Maybe you've, erm...

Maybe you've heard my, erm, street name.

(The Undertaker.)

- Sorry. - Oh!

I'm on Facebook. Give me your e-mail, I'll send you some literature.

If this is about Wendy...

Bingo! Finally, yes!

This is about Wendy -

the Wendy YOU are on notice to stay away from.

I deliver her groceries.

My people will deliver her groceries.

As of now,

she's with Tesco's.

"My people"!

If you've got people, where are your minders?

- I've got two of the best. - Oh.

You know, it's just that they're...you know...

It's their day off.

On the same day?

They're very fond of each other!

Yeah? What am I supposed to do, yeah?

Ruin their leisure time together?

Wayne, I think you're telling porkies.

I mean, you don't look dangerous.

I think you're a sweetheart.

I could kill you.

I could kill you...

with this finger.

- LEROY LAUGHS - You're killing me now, Wayne!

- You're hilarious! - No...

No, you couldn't be more wrong.

You stay away

from that gorgeous little creature. All right?

That is the first thing you've said that makes any sense.

She is gorgeous.

- CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY - Oh... Oh, right!

Oh, right! Right, that's how you want it, is it?

- Sorry! - You crossed a line, pal.

You crossed a line!

Wayne, she gives me coffee.

I was talking to you civilly,

and you start throwing punches at me.

- Wayne, it was just a twitch. - You, you wait...

you wait till my minders get back from their...

cookery classes.

Aargh!

Thank you. Right.

There we are, Mrs Hussein - your change.

Thank you very much.

I suppose you've heard about Hazelwood Drive?

- Number 37? - That's the one.

No. What have you heard?

As it happens - although, you know, I am not one for gossip...

Yeah, somebody was telling me that.

I think it were you.

Well...

she's divorced but he wants her back.

She's spoiled rotten.

It's his father's money - bought her the house, furnished it through.

She's changed the curtains twice!

Oh!

She takes pills for an overactive thyroid.

Where do you get all this stuff?

She fancies your Leroy.

She feeds him coffee.

Leroy doesn't drink coffee.

He's developing a taste for it.

Two lumps.

I suppose she's attractive to certain men.

Her cleaner says she wears next to nothing round the house.

Disgusting. CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

He's developing a taste for coffee.

He's using words like "latte".

How can I compete? Eh?

I mean, I can't start wearing next to nothing round the house.

BELL JINGLES

I'll be back.

What's this little Jump-start you're offering for tired feelings?

Come in, Cyril!

Prepare to be amazed.

Oh, and here's another seeker of the truth.

Even a lie, if it improves your prospects.

There she is.

Your pathway to a richer personal life.

Batteries not included.

So, how much richer is your personal life

when it's got a battery in it?

Are we talking really personal "personal life"?

I mean, the kind your honeymoon lures you into believing

this could be a regular thing?

With this little gadget,

your scoring rate for the occasions of domestic "bliss" will rocket.

You'd go as far as "rocket"?

I'd settle for the stairlift.

This thing takes all the guesswork out of it.

This little beauty will tell you when the time is right

to make your move.

It has better be right -

or I might HAVE to move.

How come this thing knows so much?

A little piece of plastic

without any hormones or interest in...

..basic messing around.

A-ha, you see, that is where the battery comes in, don't it?

It brings it to life.

It stirs up the atoms

and they all go zipping about.

And they come in contact with the electrons.

And the electrons then go,

"Woop-woop-woop-woop, woop-woop-woop-woop."

HE JOINS IN

HE ALSO JOINS IN

DUO START BARKING

No! Now, stop now!

Please!

Let's not get into nanotechnology.

Do you want to get into nanotechnology?

Not necessarily, at this moment in time.

Right, now listen.

You get her to carry one of these about or, better still,

you slip it in her pocket.

How long do the batteries last?

Don't worry. I can always sell you a spare.

- Does it come with a guarantee? - No!

It doesn't get BBC Two, either.

Are you in an emotionally dry place or not?

Parched.

Then, this is your future here.

This is where the desert blooms.

Stand there, Mr Newbold. This is girl talk.

I'm just taking him to have his squirm removed.

Sounds like a plan.

Do you find they have a tendency

to hang on to their old underwear?

Oh. You could take their appendix easier.

The men round here develop such a deep affection

for their familiar underwear,

I'm surprised no-one has written an opera about it.

Why is it, do you think?

They don't like change.

Which is fine...

until your elastic goes.

Right, hold on, sir, just a moment.

There we go. There, now, you see?

You've got free access to his undies.

Would you care to rephrase that?

A pair of braces?

Yes, as recommended by Sigmund Freud.

It's the shortest way to the well-adjusted male.

I've sold eight pairs of these today already.

But I don't wear braces.

You see, that is your problem.

Wearing a belt,

you can't get your hand

down there, to haul your boxers back up.

Right?

But now...

..you can get both hands down there, see?

Haul them back up,

like that.

OK? Instant access

to all the help you need.

Well, don't look at me!

Do you think we've been had?

Again?

Has he done it again?

You know, he takes advantage of the fact that we're desperate.

I always wanted to be a good lover.

Amusing,

considerate,

but above all...

..regular.

That's what you miss.

It's the uncertainty that gets to you.

- BOTH: - Hey!

- BOTH: - It works!

DULL THUDDING

Hmm?

SOFT WHISTLING

How was the coffee?

It was just coffee.

I met him - Wayne, the ex. Hmmp!

He's a giggle.

Oh, can I go a bit earlier this evening?

Where?

Just out, meet a few friends. Usual.

You can get done for some kinds of "usual".

Not more coffee, I hope?

No. Put your mind at rest.

And stop being so suspicious.

All right. You can go.

I trust you.

I don't trust him!

He's going out and I want to see where he's going!

How are you going to follow him if the shop's still open?

Oh! Will you close it?

No!

No, no, I won't close the shop!

I'm leaving Gastric in charge.

Oh... please, God,

don't let Gastric screw up.

You see, I'm borrowing Gastric's Mini,

so I thought that you could come with me.

Oh, I don't know that I'd be any good at following.

Oh, it won't be all following, will it?

I mean, there will be time for us. Hmm-hm.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Hey!

Come on.

You said this was going to be a little outing for us two.

It is.

I haven't forgotten that.

You needn't think I'd forgotten THAT.

Oh. ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Oh!

Sorry. Sorry about that.

It just... It's my foot keeps jumping.

It's nice to get a few minutes together.

Madge wanted to know what we were going to do with it.

Oh.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING Oh! Oh!

TYRES SCREECH

Eugh!

Don't smile at me. It sets me off.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Can you move your knee somewhere... ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

..out of my eye-line? Ooh! Open a window!

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

That perfume is dangerous!

Argh! Oh!

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

'Wow, that Mavis is attractive, even the wrong way up.'

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Oh!

Next time, I'll drive.

- Well... - I hope you're safer indoors.

I suppose there's only one way to find out.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Oh, heck! Oh.

Oh...heck!

Hello, Mavis.

Hello, Granville.