Original subtitles

So, uh... What's up, goodman?

Uh, what do you mean, sheriff?

What's up? What are we talking about?

What's going on? What's the word?

What's happening, my dude?

What's up?

Uh... 'sup?

I don't know. Nothing.

Just sitting here in this cruiser.

All right, just trying to make conversation. Mm-hmm.

Just trying to get to know you a teeny bit better is all.

Hmm.

So...You do anything this weekend?

Nope.

♪ ride around town ♪

♪ stealin' and killin' is how I get down ♪

♪ what? Well, you better be aware, son ♪

♪ 'cause momma named me sheriff ♪

♪ momma ♪

♪ now you got it ♪

♪ momma ♪

♪ and don't forget it ♪

♪ oh, no, I better go ♪

♪ m-o-m-m-a ♪

♪ momma named me sheriff, momma named me sheriff ♪

dispatch: Brr! Yo, yo, yo, yo! It's your boy dispatch.

Got a little word for you.

We got a call about a 567.

Copy that, dispatch.

Okay, deputy, a 567

is when a masked bandit breaks into a cabin

and steals someone's corn on the cob.

Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?

'cause I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to my deputy, abigail.

What? But I'm your deputy.

Not yet you're not.

A deputy has to be someone

a sheriff trusts on an intimate level.

And I don't have that with you yet.

Ugh. This is ridiculous.

Did you hear that, deputy abigail?

Goodman thinks trust is ridiculous.

Mr. Goodman, no!

That's it! I'm putting your doll in the glove box.

What? No? Hey, she's not a doll. She's a deputy.

Dispatch, I've got a code 376 with goodman.

Repeat, code 376! Let go. No, no!

[ both scream ]

[ crash! ]

welp, we're stuck.

[ grunting ]

darn seat belt. Still jammed.

Mine too, and there's no cellphone service.

Dispatch, come in.

Brr! Yo, yo, yo. Dispatch here. We're in trouble.

Goodman caused me to crash my cruiser, and now we're stuck.

[ laughs ] just kidding, playa!

I'm not here right now, so leave a message after the beep!

[ beep ] [ groans ]

oh, great.

Well, seems we could be stuck here a while,

so why don't we make the best of it

and get to know each other a little bit, huh?

Come on, goodman. What's the big deal?

No, sheriff. Come on.

No, I just don't think I have to tell you

whether or not I wash my hands before or after going "pee-pee."

well, what else is there to know about ya?

What do you want to know?

Like, do you prefer sandwiches with or without crusts?

Do you believe in aliens? Do you --

sheriff, none of this matters.

Can we please focus on getting out of here?

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

Ah! These darn seat belts!

Aah!

Goodman, get ahold of yourself.

[ whistles, chuckles ]

huh?

Great, goodman.

Seems your little shout-burst attracted some bush monsters.

[ chittering ] huh.

That wasn't a masked bandit stealing corn on the cob.

It was just a raccoon.

Sheriff: Oh, yeah, they do look like

they're wearing little bandit masks.

Cute.

Hello, raccoon.

Dispatch?

Brr! Yo, yo, yo. Dispatch here!

Great! You're there.

We solved the bandit case, but --

[ laughs ] just kidding, playa!

I'm not here right now, so leave a message after the beep!

[ beep ] darn it! Stupid seat belt!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.

Did you say "we"?

'cause you can't officially solve a case

until I trust you as my deputy.

What? Yeah, that means I got to know everything about you.

Everything. [ sighs ]

wait. Why is the raccoon eating the corn like that?

[ chittering ]

ah, just one of those things you can't explain.

You know, like aliens.

You believe in aliens?

Oh, yeah, dude.

Wouldn't it be cool to see one or pet one

or have a tickle fight with one of those little stinkers?

Tickle, tickle, tickle! No, sheriff.

[ laughs ] tickle, tickle, tickle!

No, sheriff, stop!

Ah, look at you, learning about me now.

Don't you feel closer? Eh.

And there's so much more.

Like how I'm a before, on account of

I don't want to get hand germs on my wonker-doodle.

Wonker-doodle? You know, my pee-pee, my jimmy-jingler.

Think about it. You touch gross stuff all day,

like trash can lids and vegetables.

You don't want those weird germs

rubbing off on your mr. Snobble-wobbler.

Sheriff, can we please just -- and as far as sandwiches go,

I'm a no-crust boy, and, yes, it matters.

[ groans ] you see, crust boys are usually cheap and uptight,

whereas your no-crust boy likes to get a little wild.

[ growling ] like, he'll do a fast walk at the pool

that's not quite running,

but clearly, he's pushing it with the lifeguard.

Sheriff, please! Shut up!

How about we just play the quiet game?

Yeah.

Okay, fine.

Oh.

[ chomping ] huh?

[ snarls ]

you think there's something wrong with that raccoon?

Mmm-mm-mm.

[ birds screech ]

[ bag rustling ]

[ crunching ]

ah!

Mm, mm.

[ sighs ]

[ bag rustling ]

[ moaning ]

[ crunching, swallows ]

[ crunching, moaning ]

♪

[ bag rustles ]

[ sighs ]

oh. No, no more chips!

Enough with the chips!

[ chittering ]

sheriff, I-I really think there's something wrong

with that raccoon.

[ snarls, screeches ] whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Ah-ah-ah-ah!

What does it want?

Guess the quiet game is over. [ chuckles ]

♪ 'cause we're stuck in a cruiser ♪

♪ and goodman is a snoozer ♪

♪ I don't know nothing 'bout his life ♪

♪ is he a before or after? ♪

♪ abigail, why no laughter? ♪

♪ 'cause he's someone I don't trust ♪

♪ till I know if he cuts his crust ♪

♪ or does he believe in aliens? ♪

♪ goodman, please explain-ians ♪

ah, sheriff, stop! ♪ la la la-la-la la-la-la ♪

and, you, go away, raccoon, shoo!

You shouldn't have given it my potato chips.

Now he wants more food.

Well, I don't have any more food, okay?

Where is it? Uh...

Aha! I bet if I throw some more chips off the cliff,

it'll follow it right off.

Now, I'll just get its attention -- [ screeches ]

[ screaming ] oh, my gosh!

Ooh, that is some bite. Owie, owie, owie, owie.

See if there's something about raccoon bites

in this wildlife booklet.

I'm feeling woo-- woozy.

Hmm, let's see here. Um...

"if rabid, raccoons are dangerous

and can transmit rabies to humans,

which can quickly lead to [gasps] madness."

[ growling ]

sheriff, are you okay?

Oh, back off, sheriff!

No, no, no, no, no! Don't touch!

Dispatch? Aah! [ raccoon screeches ]

brr! Yo, yo, yo! Dispatch here!

Oh, dispatch, sheriff has rabies and he's gone mad!

You got to help me! [ laughs ] just kidding, playa!

I'm not here right now, so leave a message after the beep! Damn it! Damn it!

[ screaming ]

[ crying ] [ growling ]

oh, god, sheriff, stop! Stop!

[ crunch! ]

ah. Ohh.

Let's see here.

"if bitten, please seek treatment immediately,

or you'll die a most painful death."

oh! Dispatch, please pick up!

Brr! Yo, yo, yo! Dispatch here!

Dispatch, this is really bad!

If you can't help us... [ laughs ] just kidding, playa!

I'm not here right now, so leave a message after the beep! ...I don't know who will.

[ insects chirping ]

dispatch?

This message is for my wife.

Beverly, I'm sorry it has come to this,

but I've been trapped with sheriff for some time now,

and strange guy, by the way.

Don't ever shake his hand, 'cause he's a before,

not an after, like normal people.

Not that you'll be able to, 'cause he'll be dead soon.

Anyway, beverly,

I'll always remember our first picnic together.

To be honest, at first,

I thought you were a little too wild for me

because you cut the crusts off our sandwiches.

Totally out of control.

But on our second date,

you made me a boiled steak with raw potatoes.

That's when I knew you weren't wild at all.

You were perfect.

Death, where will it lead me?

Maybe I'll be reborn on another planet

as a weird alien with two heads and tongues for arms.

[ laughs ]

and they'll call me glorf.

Glorf. I think I'd like that.

And I, glorf, will look at the stars at night

and know that somewhere, my one true love is out there.

[ crying ] because, beverly, I love you!

This is your husband, captain snuggle bunny,

signing off.

[ crying ]

[ growling ]

[ crying ]

♪

[ clapping ]

there you go. You finally opened up.

What?! Opened up?

I almost shot myself in the face!

But you didn't.

And now we have a bond,

and that bond can be the difference

between life and death, deputy.

Wait, you don't have rabies? Nope.

A good old code 376 always does the trick.

What are you talking about?

Code 376 tells dispatch to ignore all calls

while I crash my cruiser near a trained raccoon

who helps me to fake rabies to get somebody to open up.

What? Great job, dispatch.

Yeah, sheriff, I got you, baby.

How's little camper doing?

[ whistles ] [ chittering ]

he's chillin'. Oh, yeah.

How about some whipped rabies?

And how's captain snuggle bunny?

Yo, goodman, you're a little bitch!

[ both laugh ]

whoa!

Brr! Yo, sheriff? We got a possible 752.

Ah! A 752?

Goodman, a 752 is a possible alien abduction.

What? Aliens, really?

No, probably not.

[ both whimpering ]

[ both laughing ] tickle, tickle, tickle!

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

♪ m-o-a-m-m-a ♪

♪ momma named me sheriff, momma named me sheriff ♪

♪ m-momma, momma, momma named me sheriff ♪

♪ m-momma, momma, momma, momma named me sheriff ♪

♪ momma, she named me sheriff ♪