All language subtitles for Klovn Forever 2015 par Mikkel Norgaard avec Casper Christensen, Mia Lyhne (vostang)

NUTMEG MOVIES
presents

In collaboration with TV2
with support from Danish Film Institute

- Crap weather.
- But the fall colors are beautiful.

Not a damn thing is happening.
No one walks by here.

That's kinda what I like about it.
Peace and quiet.

I wouldn't mind a couple of girls
jogging by.

- Well...
- Let's have a beer.

- Why not grab one now?
- No, I don't have time.

Mia is alone with Fie.
We're struggling with the christening.

The christening?
It's in 2 weeks!

The final details and all that.
Mia's going through the roof.

- You're welcome to stop by.
- Now?

No! In 2 weeks.

Yes...
I'd like to welcome you all.

Thank you for coming
to our christening celebration.

And a special thank you
to our nanny, Tuss.

She and Fie have become great friends.

The delivery was a bit rough.

Malthe weighed in at almost 4.5 kilos.
It took everyone by surprise.

Lars, our dear friend,
has made some lovely food for us.

Yes, temptations of all sorts.
Sausage rolls for the kids -

- and delicacies you can munch on
throughout the day.

- Bueno apetito!
- Cheers, everyone. And welcome.

It's lovely to see you.

Delicious and home-made.

Select produce.
Keeping it simple. Family food.

- Isn't Casper coming?
- No, we didn't invite him.

It's a family affair, and he doesn't
really fit in. Right, Frank?

- Right.
- Hello! Hi!

Hi.
Hi, everyone.

- Congratulations. Mia, take this.
- Long time no see!

Sorry, I skipped the church.
Hope that was okay.

I just want to say:
A wise man once said:

You choose your friends,
you get a family.

Your unity is beautiful.
We just watch it in awe.

I'm single, so I look at it with eyes
that just try to take it all in.

So congratulations on that, and cheers
everyone. I'm sorry I was late.

Cheers!

And congratulations to you!

- I'm not sure what we agreed.
- Well, he's your responsibility.

How old are you?
You're older, I can see that.

- I just turned 21.
- Okay! Perfect.

- Having fun, Bo?
- Definitely.

- Our camping trip was ages ago.
- Yes, it's been a while.

- When was it, anyway?
- Five years ago, Frank.

- Has it really been five years?
- Yes. It's not something one forgets.

- Right... I'd better mingle.
- Yes.

- Dad, I can't find my teddy bear.
- Oh? Let's go look for it.

- Did you have it upstairs, sweetie?
- I don't know.

- What the hell, Frank?
- What are you doing?

- What we're doing? We're talking.
- I want my teddy bear.

- She needs her teddy bear.
- Yes...

You have it in your hand!

- Sweetie, go downstairs.
- There's nothing going on down there.

- That's why she won't sleep with it?
- Honey...

It can be washed.

I don't think it got soiled.

- He just held it to cover it up.
- It smells.

Old teddy bear smell, that's all.
Old crotch smells entirely different.

I'll talk to him tomorrow.
We're meeting at the publisher's.

About the friendship book.

The manuscript is finished.

I read it this weekend, and you
sure get your money's worth here.

- It'll be a great book.
- Listen, boys. I read it.

Let me tell you,
it's world-class!

That book has it all!
It'll be a humongous seller.

It's our retirement plan right there.
The first book from the Golden Boys.

- It'll take off big time.
- I agree with Ulrich.

- There are no guarantees.
- We start out with 100,000 copies.

That depends on the reactions
at the retailers...

I'm in with the big companies.
I've sold the first 75,000 copies.

- Sure. If you can guarantee sales...
- I totally guarantee it.

There are a few details to discuss.
But that's normal procedure.

- We need to read it first.
- What?

That'll have to be quick,
or we won't make it by Christmas.

- I didn't know we had to read it.
- Me neither! I'm never reading it.

- You didn't read it?
- No, and I'm not going to.

Me neither.
I'm so tied up at home.

- Let's have a beer. A quick one?
- No, I have to get home.

- Why?
- Mia's stuck with everything.

- Come on! Have a beer with me!
- We don't have a nanny anymore.

- Who did you think you were boinking?
- 'Boinking'...?

- Intercourse.
- Cousin Andreas's daughter.

Fie's nanny. We had to let her go
when Mia found out.

The redhead? Oh, okay.
There's no way I could've known that!

- Is Mia upset?
- That's putting it mildly! She's livid.

- Have you put on weight?
- Me?

When we first met you were 75 kilos.
Ladies, partying...

And now?

- I can still take you down.
- No, you can't!

- Defend yourself!
- You're waking up Malthe!

God damn it!

He just fell asleep!
There goes the routine. Damn it...

He'll go back to sleep.

The kitchen's a mess! And you don't help
even though you're on paternity leave!

- Sure, I do, honey.
- No, you don't! Look at it!

Casper came to apologize
for the thing with Tuss.

Some other time, Casper. I don't have
time for that now. Can you sense that?

- Yes.
- And no more pictures of your willy!

Do you get it?

What the hell was that?
I never sent anything to Mia.

- She saw my phone...
- You let her check your phone?

- There's nothing she shouldn't see.
- Apparently there is.

Alright, the one picture.

What the hell kind of life
are you making for yourself here?

- What the hell is this?
- Listen, we're a nuclear family...

That comes with some stuff
that isn't always practical.

Well, see ya.
I have to deal with this now.

Bye, Frank.

Don't forget baby swimming today.

- Why? Do you have plans?
- I can't go in the water.

The vagina-anus region
has to heal first.

- Oh, right.
- That's what the doctor said.

What... what's this?!

- Have you seen this, honey?
- Yes.

- "Casper sells luxury mansion."
- He's probably working the market.

Starts over in the States. "I'm all in,"
says the successful entertainer.

- Well, we don't see him much.
- He's had loads of chances to tell me.

Oh, excuse me...

Voice mail. Honey, I'll pop over...
I need to...

What about baby swimming?
You can't go.

- One hour.
- Tops!

Cuckoo!

- Casper?
- Frank? Hi!

- Hi.
- What are you doing here?

- I was reading the paper...
- Okay. Yeah, I'm moving to the States.

- Yes, I saw that.
- I'm heading out now.

I can't even offer you anything.
I'm waiting for my driver.

So, this is probably
your last time here.

- This is insane...
- Don't sit on that. It was just done.

- Weren't you gonna say goodbye?
- I'm no good at that, Frank.

I was just gonna go. You'd be fine here
and 'pling' we'd email each other.

Pictures and stuff.

- But you should say goodbye...
- It's not like we're dating.

No, sure. Thanks a lot.

- But we do stuff together...
- We never do anything together.

- The friendship book.
- It's finished.

- It hasn't been approved yet.
- Then approve it.

But there's other stuff. I have
thousands of ideas for future projects.

We haven't had fun in years.

- I think we have fun.
- When were we last out?

A real night out. A hush-hush night.
When did we last do that?

I'm not blaming you! You've got
your hands full with the kids and Mia.

You're a family man!
But I'm in a different place.

There's nothing here for me!
So I'm taking off.

Could you grab the bird?

- Will you take it to Iben?
- Aren't you taking it with you?

I can't bring it to the States.
So, could you take it to Iben's?

It's her week.
We have shared custody.

Take care.
Bye-bye.

Alright? Bye-bye.
Say hi to the family.

- Hi, Iben, I was to bring this to you.
- 'Bring'?

- From Casper. Your shared cockatoo.
- Never heard about it. I don't want it.

- Then why did he say it's yours?
- I can't help it if you fell for that.

- I think it belongs here.
- No, it doesn't. There. Go.

Tell him that when he's man enough
to look after his daughter-

- I'll consider looking after his
lame peacock for five minutes.

But until then, he can go fuck himself.
Take the damn chicken away!

- Oh my God, what now?
- I can't handle talking about it.

And I can't handle that you're not here
in time for baby swimming.

You say: 1, 2, 3.
Lift the baby-

- and push it gently
to the other parent.

- I'm relatively shaken, honey.
- Focus.

1, 2, 3, now.

- It's a pretty bizarre goodbye, honey.
- There's nothing you can do, honey.

- No, but...
- Let it go. Don't obsess over it.

He found a house over there!
He's not coming back!

And he's completely abandoning me.

- Okay, send him to me.
- I just did.

Where is he?

Has someone seen a baby?

Sweetie!

He's gone!

Jackass! Why didn't you
grab him when she said 'now'?

She didn't say now!
She really didn't, honey.

- I did say 'now'.
- No.

- I said: 1, 2, 3, now.
- Well, I didn't hear you.

- I did say it.
- I'm not sure you did.

I did.

I was a bit out of it
because Casper left for the States.

I think it's great that he went.
He's a party animal.

- It's true!
- Sure he is.

Do you know what, Mom? He sends
Frank pictures of him having sex.

May I see?

- They're not...
- They're on your phone.

- I deleted them.
- Let me see.

- Oh, you didn't delete them.
- Are they still there?

Oh, my...

- Is that her head?
- Yes, it's a standing 69.

Why is her head upside down?
And what's that thing right there?

It's gag drool. When the willy
hits the throat, she starts salivating.

- Not much love in that.
- It's pornography.

- I don't want to look at it.
- I for one think it's good he's gone.

- You have nothing in common anymore.
- Find a new friend, Frank.

We have a blast, Frank.
It's me and five other famous dads -

- and Claus Meyer shows us how to make
exotic lunch boxes for the kids.

- Who's your best friend, Lars?
- No doubt about that! It's Tina.

They're asleep, honey.

- Frank asked who my best friend is.
- And what did you say?

I said: Tina.

A great buddy. We have the rule
here in our Little Tuscany-

- that every night, when we go to bed,
Tina says:

I love you, Lars.

And the first thing out of Lars's mouth
in the morning is:

- I love you, Tina.
- Yeah.

But your food is always...
What, honey?

Grab Malthe's bag.

... so these caring grownups
volunteer to watch out for the young.

- It's not entirely safe.
- Have you ever been in danger?

- Yeah, sure.
- So, honey. Let's go.

- Lars is a Night Owl.
- Oh, okay.

Remember we talked about
making a difference?

Okay...

- There.
- Damn, what an idiot.

Bye-bye!

It's funny that they've
named their house.

We should do that too, honey.
We could call it...

.... Chestnut Grove or something.
What do you think?

I'm wondering what I should do now.
Work-wise, everything's changed.

Casper is gone.
Maybe I should start a blog.

I often get hopping mad over stuff.
I could get it all out in a blog.

Do you think you love me
as much as Lars loves Tina?

Honey, if you're banking on some
adult entertainment, you can drop it.

- I can't handle it right now.
- That's not what I was talking about.

- But you're touching me and everything.
- Yes!

I can't handle it!
I'm under so much pressure!

- I'm not talking about sex!
- Oh?

And besides I can't do it yet.
In case you hadn't noticed.

My peepee hasn't healed yet.
And... I mean...

We need to go shopping tomorrow.
We're out of diapers.

- Do you hear me?!
- Yes. Nice overview.

Well, you don't have it.

Where did we park?

- Well?
- Level 3. Like last time you asked.

Excuse me... Oh, hi Frank!

- Hi, Nikolaj!
- Hi.

- Nikolaj.
- My wife, Mia.

- Mia.
- Nikolaj. What a coincidence!

Yes! Great news about Casper!
Dropping everything and taking off.

Yes. It's pretty wild.

- An adventure.
- And what are you up to?

Frank isn't doing much.
He's going to start blogging.

- No, I'm not going to blog, honey.
- I thought you wanted to.

No. I had an idea for a movie
about bloggers.

- A feature film about bloggers.
- Right.

And I have a friendship book
coming out. A book with Casper and me.

- It could very well be a giant success.
- Hell, yeah.

I have to tell you, Nikolaj...
you're so good as that knight...

- Thank you. You watch the series?
- Oh, yes!

- I'm a big fan.
- Wow. Thank you.

- This is our level.
- No, this is level 2.

Come on, honey.

- Great seeing you.
- It was lovely, Nikolaj.

This is stupid.

God, he's handsome in real life.

FRIENDSHIP THROUGH STORMS

Remove the papers, we're decorating.
Remove the papers, please!

I'll just... take care of the laundry.

Ole and I are moving in,
so that we can give you a hand.

- Is there an end-date on that project?
- No, not at all.

Let me just put
the laundry basket here... Yes, super.

- Honey, I'll finish reading upstairs.
- No, Dad's napping up there.

- In my bed?
- Yes.

He's tired.
He's an elderly man, Frank.

Oh, man.
Seriously, Christensen...

- Honey?
- Yes.

I have to go to the States.
To see Casper.

- You can't. You're on paternity leave.
- But you have Ole and Pykker now!

- Uhm, they just sit and watch TV.
- I have to try to salvage it!

- Why were you outside all night?
- Because the book is really good!

He shouldn't sell the damn house.
He's a moron, but he's my friend!

- I'm going over there to get him back.
- No! I don't think...

I'm off to LA!

- Mom, did you hear that?
- Yes, he's off to LA?

- He can't. Didn't you tell him no?
- Yes!

- Majorca?
- No! He's going to see Casper.

Okay, stay away from South Central and
the bad areas and you should be all set.

Have a good one.

Frank? Up here!

Hi!

- What do you think?
- It's steep, huh?

- It's a mountain!
- My bag almost rolled away from me.

It's a mountain, Frank!

- Home, sweet home!
- Wow.

Place to hang out,
playing backgammon, chillin'.

- But here's the best part!
- A pool?

Hey, girls!
Say hi to Frank.

Hi, Frank.

My buddy, Jason.
Jason, this is Frank.

- Welcome, Frank.
- Thank you!

- Jason, were we class of '86?
- '86, brother, '86.

The girls are just a bit of eye candy.

Do you... do them?

Yes, I got a pussy snout
only this morning.

Your snout in the pussy.
And then three snorts.

- Three breaths?
- Yes. Kicks off your day!

- A pussy snout for you coming up!
- The one in orange is cute.

That's Cille. My daughter.
Yes, she's cute, Frank.

- Cille! Say hi to Frank!
- Hi, Frank.

- Hi, Cille!
- Hang up when you say hi.

Hopeless. Ignore her.
Let's find your room.

- The Jason fella...
- He's awesome!

- I call him Battle Cat.
- Battle Cat? I never heard of him.

I talk about Battle Cat all the time!
Perfect, right?

- It's lovely.
- King-size bed, the works. And look!

Look at this. Wow, man!
Satisfaction that blows your mind.

- Wow, looking good.
- Isn't it great?

CC in Hollywood.

You don't actually say Hollywood
when you live here. Danes always go:

"Woohoo Hollywood".
Like you just did.

Let's have a drink!
I'll mix a few!

Have a shower and join us.
I'll be with the girls. And Battle Cat!

- I'd like five minutes with you.
- Sure! We just had five minutes!

- Hey, Frank! Join us!
- I just...

Come on, Frank.

- Pool prank, Frank.
- I'll go say hi to Cille.

- Cactus! It's a cactus!
- Yeah, we have it all over here.

- Hi.
- I didn't say proper hello.

I haven't seen you in years.
Imagine you here, too.

- You're not the only one from home.
- Right!

- My jaws hurt from speaking English.
- You just arrived.

Sure, but I talked to people on the
plane and at the airport. I'm wrecked.

Take a dip in the pool.

- Frank! Get in the pool!
- Let's see your best jump!

Good morning!

- Who are you?
- I am the housekeeper.

- My name is Hoyt.
- Oh, hello.

- Did you dream well?
- Uhm, I don't remember. Probably.

That's good.
Dreamcatcher is working.

It catches the good dreams
and holds them for you.

- Is it...
- No, no, no! Don't touch.

- It will bring you bad luck.
- Okay.

- Real bad luck!
- Are you a native...

I'm Navajo.

I've always been on the Indians' side
when I saw cowboy movies.

- Hm. Really?
- Yeah.

- Morning, Cille.
- Good morning.

This way! 3, 2, 1...
Catch!

Throw it over my head,
and I'll catch it. On 3. Now!

Where did it go?
You'll have to find it, Frank.

Have some breakfast.

Listen up. I'm throwing a party.

What I have in mind is...
How would people know I moved here?

I kinda kept it on the down-low.
I want to throw a Danish party.

So all the Danes here will go:
Damn, Casper, CC, is in LA!

CC in LA, you know?

You could do a mix
of the letters CC and LA.

LA and CC or... CC and LA,
what do you think?

- I don't know.
- Both work!

We'll have DJ Breum. Jørgen Klubien
on the guitar, the Rain Dance, you know.

Lovely, beautiful little sweetheart,
please stop feeding Frank papaya.

- Isn't it delicious, Frank?
- Yes, it's great papaya.

I can't communicate with Frank
when he's chewing.

You're sort of both right...

Anyhow! We need a guest list...

- Stop! This has to stop, Cille!
- See you later, Frank.

Stop pouting! She's hopeless, Frank.
Completely hopeless.

I'll go tell her off.

And find the ball!

Honey? Can you hear me?

- Is there... Cuckoo.
- Hi.

- Hi!
- Why are you calling now?

- What?
- It's 2 a.m., Frank.

It's the time difference, I forgot!
It's only 5 p.m. here.

- Well, it's not 5 here.
- Right.

Did you tell Casper
what you needed to say?

- No. There hasn't been...
- Isn't that why you went?

Yes! Yes, yes, honey.
I'm waiting for the right moment.

For a natural... window.

When I can work my magic.

In the meantime, I'm minding
your children, the house.

I'm minding a damn parrot
that bit my finger.

- Isn't there...
- Hi, Frank! Hi, Mia! Hi, hi!

- Are you asleep?
- Does it look like it?

- Wave goodbye, Frank. We have plans.
- Gotta go, honey.

- Take care.
- We're busy.

We have to go!
I have a great idea!

At the party, how about
if I appear with a Great Dane?

Everyone will go:
Isn't that a Great Dane?

And it is. But two Great Danes.
The great Dane with a Great Dane.

- Just say you're a great Dane.
- I want people to say it.

It's a Great Dane dog. You do get that?
I found a place! Come on, man!

- Are you coming, Frank?
- Yeah, yeah.

- A double knot, Frank?
- Yes.

Come on! I don't wanna miss
out on this. I want that Great Dane.

I always do a double knot.

What the hell?

Cille! Cille, damn it!

Has she totally lost it? What the hell
do you need a double knot for?

Now we don't have the car!
We could've dragged her out of there!

- It takes a second to tie the knot.
- It takes a second to drag her out!

- I was supposed to get the dog!
- We'll take my car.

You can rent any car in the world,
and you pick this?

It's perfect for parking.

Are we listening to
Mexican music by choice?

- It's all I could find.
- Allow me.

Frank, seriously. Why would there
only be Mexican music?

'Cause we're close to Mexico!

- Hello.
- Hi, how are you?

- I'm Savannah.
- Hey, my name is Casper.

I called earlier
about a Great Dane.

Oh. My sister and I were talking about
the Great Dane. This is the guy.

- Hey, good to meet you.
- Hello. Frank.

Are you sisters?
Oh, wow. Lucky parents.

I wanna make sure that you're
aware of the dog's characteristics.

- I am.
- The dog is noble. Are you noble?

- I try to be as noble as possible.
- The dog is needy. Are you a needy guy?

Oh, yeah.
I'm very needy.

- It's a big dog, too.
- Very big. Are you big?

Oh, yeah. I'm big.
I'm big.

- Here. My address.
- See you later, girls!

- See you, Frank!
- I'll bring him, don't worry.

Bye. See you in a few.
Bye, baby.

Their address!
We're going straight there.

- No way. We're taking this dog home.
- It'll be fine there!

- Right, Jack? See! He's nodding.
- No, he's not.

Sure, he is. He loves this shit.
Look how cute. In with it.

I want to go! It's a hush-hush trip!
You've gotta give me that.

No need to lock the doors
when we're in the car, Frank.

- It's a special neighborhood.
- Yeah, but don't lock us in.

- Need help?
- No, I'm fine, thank you.

Her car is over there.
Fuck, this is wild!

I don't dance.

What are your hobbies, Desiree? What do
you like to do in your spare time?

You know, I like to have fun.

I like meeting people,
I like seeing the sights.

I like what I'm seeing right now.

- I play badminton.
- Frank? We'll just...

- I'm just gonna give him a tour.
- Get some. Come on, man.

Hush-hush trip. Come on.

Don't worry, baby. They're just
gonna have a good time. I like you.

I like your accent. I like that face.
You know, you've got a pretty face.

- Thank you.
- I think you need to smoke this.

You need to smoke this.
Smoke it!

Yeah, baby. Take this off.
So I can see that pretty white face.

That's right, baby.

Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you a minute.

Desiree babe's gonna freshen up,
and when I come back -

- I wanna see some pretty white dick.

Okay.

Okay.

You'd better be ready for me!
I'm comin', are you ready?

- Yeah, I'm ready.
- Got that dick out?

Come on, knot.

Damn it...

What the fuck?

What the fuck is this shit?!

What did you do, Jack?
There must've been something in my butt.

- Salty minerals or something.
- Why the fuck was the dog licking you?

I don't know. It happened in a split
second. I thought it was you, and...

What the fuck did you think
was about to happen?

You thought I was gonna lick your
foreign asshole? Fuck you, motherfucker.

Sit your ass down. I'm gonna get
my niggas. We gonna fuck you up!

- Fuck this shit, motherfucker!
- Where are you going, Desiree?

Fuck...

- ... some animal shit...
- ... whoop his ass all day.

Casper...

- Casper?
- What the fuck?

We have to get out of here.

- What are you doing?
- It's an emergency.

- English! What happened?
- The boys from the street are coming.

Casper, come on! Come on!

- What now?
- That way!

Why are you runnin'?

Are we being followed?

- We did it, Frank!
- Did we lose them?

- Hush-hush. Woop, woop!
- That was hush-hush for sure.

That was wild! Wild!

Such a good boy...
That's right.

- Look, Frank! It loves me!
- No, don't do that, dog.

- Don't let it lick you.
- It's a dog, Frank! It's safe.

You don't know
where its tongue's been.

- You sure saw some action.
- Hell, yeah.

- Did you get a pussy snout?
- I actually did.

But I'm feeling a bit...
Listen...

It feels like something's stuck.
Inside my nose.

- Can't you tell by my voice?
- From her peepee?

I'm not sure the pussy snout
is a good idea.

- It was never a good idea.
- What the hell am I doing?

- It's a shame if you sell the house.
- Why?

- Because of you and me.
- You never come by, what do you care?

That's...

- That was a mistake on my part.
- I want to go home, Frank.

- Please read the friendship book.
- We have a giant party to plan.

That party is mega important.
The Great Dane.

Alright!

Where's the dog, Frank?

Don't worry about it.
It was weird.

Hoyt! It was an accident!

- Morning, CC.
- Morning.

- What up, Battle Cat?
- Franko!

Very funny, Battle Cat.
Very funny.

I love it when he makes that sound.

Frank, do like this.

- What did you do to your hair?
- What do you mean?

You have no hair up top.
You look like an ass! Upstairs!

- What the hell is that?
- You're bald on top!

- It's terrible! I don't want to see it!
- It was shaved off!

- Why did you do that, you idiot?
- I didn't!

- It was worn off?
- It's Hoyt!

- Hoyt?
- She scalped me. Indian style!

- I touched the stupid dreamcatcher!
- Stop! Stop whatever the hell this is.

- It makes no sense.
- She put up a Navajo dreamcatcher.

I touch it. She scalps me.
Indian logic.

No, Indian logic is bow and arrow
and teepee and...

Wear a hat to the party!
And I never wanted hats at the party!

I can't believe you're gonna wear a hat!
In her 5 days here, she's been great -

- and then you come over, and there's
dreamcatcher on a willy and hair...

You're not saying anything to Hoyt!

Stop, stop.
Fuck, this is great!

I've been looking forward to this
for years. The Great Dane in LA.

Yes!

And I'd like to thank you all for coming
and for supporting the project.

You're all amazing!

Some deserve special thanks. I want
to thank my lovely daughter Cille.

She's here supporting me in my project.

And I'd like to thank Morten Breum
who'll play for us!

Last but not least, there's one
individual I owe special thanks.

Someone who, for years,
has meant the world to me -

- and who is my closest friend,
my oldest friend. Give it up for...

... Battle Cat!

And just to prove my point,
Battle Cat just told me -

- that we'll have an extra guest.
Ladies and gentlemen: Adam Levine!

Welcome, everyone!

Do you think it's fair to scalp me?

I mean... why?

I have work to do.

Let me introduce you to some people.
Murray, my good friend.

- How are you?
- This guy is writing for HBO.

- And this is...
- Whoa, hey!

Frank. Have you seen that?

Adam Levine from Maroon 5.
'Moves like Jagger'!

This is a game changer for Casper.
A game changer, Frank!

Okay. Good thing he came, then.

- This is it, man.
- It's so beautiful.

They're beautiful people.
So sweet.

A buddy of mine was born
to American parents.

They left him on the doorstep
of this reservation -

- and he wound up being raised by these
native Americans. They took him in.

Fed him, clothed him and raised him.

S'up, man?
How are you doing?

I just heard that you've visited
native Americans.

- Yeah.
- And that you're fond of them.

I'm sure there are wonderful, wonderful
native Americans around -

- but I can tell you
there are shitholes, too.

- Shitholes?
- I can point out... That's the woman.

What could this sweet woman have
possibly done. Did you upset her?

- She scalped me.
- That's just straight up racist.

Look!

Holy shit!

- Look!
- Is that a joke?

I can't tell if he's joking or not.
Wow, you just killed the vibe in here.

- That's an evil Indian!
- Please don't...

- You're a fucking asshole.
- She scalped me, man!

- Fucking Dutch people.
- Hey, we had a discussion!

Wow, he really took offense.

Having a good time?

What the hell? What's going on?

He said something to Adam Levine.

What the hell is going on, Frank?
Where's Adam?

Fuck! Adam! Wait!

It just kinda escalated.
It was both of us.

We are two about it.
You have to be two to... an argument.

What the fuck was that?
I was gone for one second!

And you ruin everything! Where the hell
is the Great Dane party now?

- You're the biggest moron I know.
- I'm not the moron!

- You're a moron!
- You're a fucking moron.

You come here at 46 to make it big!

- As what? The Mummy?
- You're talking shit!

I came to tell you there's stuff
in Denmark you can build on!

- Hello! There's nothing back home!
- There's our friendship book.

Shut up about that shitty book!
I'm never gonna read it!

I don't want to deal with you anymore.
No more.

We've run out of gas. It's over.

I'm done with it.

Wanna go, Battle Cat?

Frank, the fuck-up.

- Hey, Frank.
- Hi, Cille.

Are you okay?

- Not quite?
- Not really.

I understand.
Casper totally overreacted.

So don't lose your cool over it.
That's just how he is.

That's sweet of you,
but it's too late...

- Did it completely flatten you?
- Totally.

Have a drink
and think of something else.

- Did everybody leave?
- Yeah.

- Another bright item for my CV.
- You emptied a party.

- This tastes like crap.
- Yep.

- Let's get in the pool.
- Yeah, why not.

- I'll just get my trunks.
- No, fuck that. You don't need 'em.

- I'm not wearing trunks?
- No! Nobody's home!

Everyone's asleep.
There's nobody around.

Here we go! Woohoo!

- It's gorgeous. Just amazing.
- Is it nice?

Here I come!

It's cold!

What a pick-me-up!

I needed this.
This is the best thing on this trip.

Come see the view.
It's beautiful.

You can see the entire city.
It's awesome.

- I think we should have sex, Frank.
- What?

We should have sex.

- Stop it, Cille.
- You're leaving soon anyway.

I'm serious.

Cille, for God's sake.

Let's have sex.

What the hell are you doing, Cille?

I can't return that favour...

Morning, Frank.

Fuck...

It's just sad to find out like this.

To have to read the book
to understand -

- how much our friendship means.
That's pathetic.

I've been a giant asshole.
This ridiculous ego circus stops now!

- I get it now, man!
- Did you just read it?

I've been reading it for the past
six hours! I'm so embarrassed!

Will you accept my apology?

Come here! I'm sorry, Frank.

You and I... we'll get through this.

Why aren't you wearing any pants?
Why's your ass hanging out, Frank?

- I just patted your naked ass.
- I was putting on sun lotion.

Frank, we don't show our naked asses.
If the neighbors find out, they'll sue.

- I was about to put them back on.
- Right now. Hey, Cille!

Morning.
Good morning, Frank.

- Stop, you two...
- What's going on?

- Nothing, Cille.
- Don't look. He has no pants on.

I love you both. You're my family.
This is it.

This little cosy nook we're in here,
that's my family.

Without you, I'd be dead. I would
kill myself if I couldn't trust you two.

I love you.

I love you.
Go put on some pants, Frank.

- And sun lotion on your scalp.
- I'll just take a quick shower.

We arrive at the lobster house in...
Hang on, sweetie.

Do you remember the guy who owned it?
We have to do a follow-up!

We've experienced tons of stuff!
It's Isla!

- Hey, Casper.
- How are you doing today?

- I brought your ball back.
- Hey. Good to see you.

I know you had a party last night.
It's all good...

But somebody was having sex outside
between your house and mine really loud.

I could hear them. I thought a coyote
was getting killed or something.

- I thought you should know...
- Say hi.

- Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Nice to meet you.
- I really liked you in 'Shopaholic'.

- I'm just gonna go for a minute, Dad.
- It was nice meeting you. Take care.

Actually, it was her.
I recognize her voice.

- What are you saying?
- I'm sorry. That's who was having sex.

- I heard her. I know the voice.
- Are you sure?

I'm an actor. I do an American accent.
I can hear accents.

- That is who was having sex.
- And the man?

- Could you recognize it...
- Definitely. Of course! Yes!

- I'm so sorry.
- Hold on.

Frank! We have a situation. Talk to Isla
for two minutes. This is an emergency.

I'm really sorry. I feel like
I came over and ruined your day.

Just hang on for two minutes.
Cille!

I think I just caused
a major family drama.

But what can I do? I totally heard her
having sex. She was very loud.

And I've got kids. It's illegal.
It's indecent exposure.

My daughter, can you imagine, she's six.
She can hear it. It's disgusting!

Would you ever do something like that?
Have sex at a party in a public place?

It's criminal misdemeanor.
I'm Isla, by the way.

- What's your name?
- Frank.

Frank. Well it must be nice
to see Casper. Do you miss him?

Where are you... okay.

This view is amazing.
We've got the same view actually.

If you come across to...
Are you going in?

Do you want me to take your hat
or your glasses or something?

- Lovely!
- Nice to meet you, Frank!

- See you.
- See you.

Tell Casper I had to go.

He's so weird.

Frank. I just talked to Cille.
She fucking admitted everything.

I'm furious!
Wanna hear something disgusting?

She says... and this is verbatim:
"Dad, I shagged someone over 40."

At my party! The pig! It's illegal!
Straight to prison with that guy.

- It's not illegal to be over 40.
- Yes, if you fuck a 20-year-old!

- Do you see why I'm out of my mind?!
- Sure!

What are you doing?
Are you packing?

Mia called.
There's news about my blog.

- Blog?
- It's taking off. I should...

There's no plane until tomorrow.
So calm down.

Top Gun, Zipper, all the rappers
actually, are out. They're too young.

- Let it go, Casper. Just...
- No way! I'll never let it go.

Who do you think it is?
Did you sense anything yesterday?

Did you see anything, Frank?

- A shot in the dark...
- Go!

Battle Cat.

Frank, let me be brutally honest.
If it's Battle cat...

- He's that age...
- Yes, yes, I hear you.

But he's a close friend.

- Hoyt!
- It's not Hoyt.

I know that.
Hoyt!

- Sir?
- Listen to me carefully.

You're fired.

I want you out of my house. I will
not accept what you did to my friend.

- I'm tired. I'm off to bed.
- Frank, before you go.

I'm sending Cille home. This area
is crawling with sex offenders!

You'll have to take her home.
I already booked the flight.

I called Christopher in Denmark.
Everything's been arranged.

You sit together. Comfort her.
You're the only one I can trust!

I want her home and safe.
This country's too dangerous.

This can't get out, Cille.
Mia would leave me.

And I'd never see Casper again.
We have to put a lid on it.

Agreed?

Cille!

What?

We have
to put a lid on what happened.

- Frank, chill.
- No, I...

Frank, stop!
It doesn't matter!

Just stop it.

- Hi! There he is.
- Dad!

Isn't that your wife?

- Hi!
- Hi.

- Hi, sweetie!
- Hi, welcome home.

It's so good to see you.
Hi.

- What a surprise!
- How nice that you came!

I remember when you were...
When did we look after her?

- You wanted to sleep in our bed.
- That won't do anymore, Frank.

- No... Shall we get going?
- Yes.

- Take care.
- See you, Frank.

Yeah... bye.

You have a text from Cille.

She says she hasn't gotten her period.

Why would she write that to you?

- I don't know.
- Look.

- Well?
- I have no clue.

- Is she pregnant?
- I don't know.

What?

In the States,
there were times when she...

... confided in me,
because she couldn't talk to Casper.

So you became her confidante?

Yes. Uhm...

I think I'll give her a call, honey.
It may be serious.

Hi, Cille. This is Frank.

I just got your text.
Hang on...

What, honey?

Hang on, Cille.

I'm back.
We can't panic!

We keep each other updated.
You and me. No one else.

Okay. Yes, bye.

- Hi!
- So?

She was so happy I called.

You've all done great,
so we'll take a short break -

- with free play for a few minutes.
Let the water carry the child.

- You fucked Cille.
- What? No! Never!

That is the most insane accusation!

Frank, you fucked Cille
at the Great Dane party.

Okay.

And my reaction is: Mia needs to know
that we can't trust you.

- She doesn't have to know that.
- Oh, but she does.

Of course she should know
that her hubby is fucking my daughter.

- Casper, you don't have to tell anyone.
- Then you have to do something else.

Then we'll
have to find another solution.

- What do you want?
- You fucked Cille.

Ergo, I'll fuck Mia.
This is how it's gonna go down.

You check into a hotel.
You blindfold her.

And then I stick it to her
and fuck her.

- I doubt she's interested in that.
- This is about you and me.

- That's just how it'll be.
- What are we talking about...

- Or I could tell Mia everything!
- No, no! We'll work something out.

It's just a question of how long.
A minute? 60 seconds.

- That's a long time!
- No, it isn't, Frank.

- Yes, it is. One minute?!
- 40 seconds?

- 12.
- I'd need a stop watch!

- 30.
- 30 seconds? Okay. Fine.

It's a deal. 1-1, Frank.
An eye for an eye when you screw up.

Say hi to the family.

What the hell?!

Sweetie! Little sweetie!

Was it fun to swim with daddy?
Was it fun?

I think he's tired.

The event at Gyldendal Publishers
is kinda exciting, Frank.

'Christmas reception'. My parents
can watch the kids, so I can join you.

- Would you like that?
- Sure...

I want to see my clever husband,
that I'm quite proud of.

And we're going to Gyldendal's no less.
Together with the elite.

- I thought we might cuddle a little.
- Now?

I've healed.
It's lovely down there now. Come.

I'm having an idea...

Why don't we make a really big deal
out of you healing so beautifully-

- and celebrate it, perhaps in a hotel?

At the Phoenix.
Like in the old days.

- And a really nice...
- Have you been planning this, honey?

Sure, I've thought about it.

I'd love to.

A whole day without the kids?

Staying in a hotel. Being naughty.
Would you like that?

- Just making love. Hm?
- Yes.

So, do we have a plan?

May I have a kiss?

- Yeah...
- I can't wait for Wednesday.

- I love you, honey.
- I love you, too, sweetie.

It's always all about the kids, and then
you tend to forget about each other.

And all the erotic stuff.

Look how beautiful, honey.

- Good evening.
- A room?

Yes, a room for Hvam.

- Room 1218.
- Thank you.

There, my sweet.

I was thinking... When we begin,
perhaps we could...

Would you like to try it blind?

- Blind?
- Blindfolded...

- Oh... sure, I'd like that.
- I just thought...

- It's been ages since we...
- Did you bring a blindfold?

- I brought one just in case.
- I'd like that.

I'll get comfortable, honey.

- We're doing it now, right, honey?
- Yes, I'm taking off the cover...

Let's get it over with...
I mean, let's get to it.

Hi, honey.

- It's a bit tight.
- Can you see anything?

No.

- I'll just get undressed.
- Mmm.

Are you coming, honey?

I'm right here.

- Are you naked?
- Almost there.

- I can't wait to feel you.
- Right...

Are you coming, honey?

- What?
- Why aren't you wearing a condom?

- Is she sick?
- No!

- You have to wear a rubber!
- Give it a fucking rest!

For a 30-second fuck,
I'm not gonna waste a condom!

- I bought some.
- You're so fucking clever.

What the hell are you doing, man?
We had a deal! It has to be 1-1!

- It's not gonna happen.
- You know what that means.

Then it's not 1-1!
We're not even!

You'll live to regret it, Frank.

Something's happening, sweetie.
I just had to get out of my briefs.

- What's wrong, honey?
- I don't know. Jet lag maybe.

I'm not sure I can, honey.
I'm so disappointed in myself.

Look how beautiful.

- Do I look okay?
- Just checking if Casper texted.

Shall we?

- Hi, Johannes.
- Hello. Welcome.

- Congratulations on your book.
- Thank you. Have you seen Casper?

He's around somewhere.
I saw him arrive.

I'm sure you'll spot him.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Hi. Frank.

Look! Ib Michael.
Hi.

Congratulations on your book.
A whole new world is opening up.

- Yes.
- To exist in print, too.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to the Gyldendal
Christmas gathering.

This year we are fortunate enough
to be able to combine it with -

- two important publications.

Ib Michael's 'Reflections',
a story from the seven seas.

And 'Friendship Through Storms',
a friendship book -

- with Casper Christensen
and Frank Hvam. It's on its way-

- and a fresh
conversation piece for today.

I'll happily kick this off.
Merry Christmas, everyone.

I'm sorry to inform you
that this book will not be published.

Don't laugh. It's true.
Let me share with you why.

I just threw a bash in LA, and what
happens is that Frank decides to...

... yes, let's put the cards
on the table, Frank.

During this party,
Frank fucks my daughter.

Yes, it's true.
Let's put it up on the monitor.

I give you the evidence.

- That's not Frank.
- That's not me!

It's my daughter, Cille, it's Frank,
and it's a sunbed and it's LA.

No! That's not me!
It's someone who looks like me!

It's all blurry.
No one can see a thing!

Exhibit number one! Baldy!

Hey, hey, hey!

Mia!

We don't hit authors here.
Only critics.

Honey!

Mia!

Mia!

Honey... honey!

Open the door, so we can talk about it!

Honey!
Honey! Honey!

Mia?

Mia?

Honey?

We're here for Mia's toothbrush
and stuff.

- I'd better get it myself.
- Can we talk for a minute, honey?

I don't think so.

- Frank, that's not a good idea.
- But I have to talk to her, Tina.

- What about?
- The kids and... what we do now.

- Honey?
- You have five minutes.

You can have five minutes.

This... is just about the worst thing
you can do in a relationship.

It's like throwing a hand grenade
at another human being.

That hurts! And then it detonates,
and then it hurts again. Disgusting!

May I have a word with my wife?

What do we do, honey?

I need space and...

I'll take the kids for Christmas.
Don't contact me.

Throughout Christmas.

I'll go get my things.

Honey! I just got a text from Cille.

She's having her period!

- So she's not pregnant.
- Did you fuck her without a condom?

Damn...

- Come, Tina.
- Disgusting, Frank.

I thought you knew that, honey?

That someone had told you...

Frank!

How's your blog going?

Merry Christmas.

Øvlisen?

The book on everybody's lips,
but which nobody has read.

And they never will, according to you.
Welcome. Why shouldn't we read it?

Because it's a book about
two people that were friends.

- The friendship is over.
- Why does it evoke such emotion?

Frank was my friend for many years,
and he completely betrayed me.

That obviously resulted in a breakdown
between us, which was painful but...

Frank!
Standing here all by your lonesome?

- Hi, Ulrich.
- What are you doing?

- Eating a hotdog.
- Haven't had one forever. One hotdog!

- What's up, my boy? You look miserable.
- I don't know if you heard...

Heard what? I have good news.

Tonight, a truckload of your books leaves
the harbor. It'll be all over the country.

- The friendship book?
- How many other books did you write?

- But Casper doesn't want it published.
- He's always complaining.

- I've had it with his bullshit.
- Just 'cause you've got money in this?

- Sure, that's part of it.
- But Casper will get hurt.

Casper will get hurt?
Shut up...

This tastes like shit.

Frank, you and Casper...
were you ever really that close?

Thanks for dinner.

Hey! You didn't pay!

Taxi!

- To the harbor.
- Looking for a good time?

- A good time?
- That's where the hookers are.

No, no, no, no...
I just have to get there.

- Oh, okay.
- I'm going to steal a truck.

Stop!
Yes! There it is!

Here! Stop.
Thank you. Keep the change.

- Yes?
- Hello? Excuse me!

- Lars?
- Hi, Frank.

What are you doing?

- I'm just on... Night Owl duty.
- Okay.

- And this is part of your duties?
- Yes, it's all part of it.

We'll talk about it some other time.
I need your help. I need a hand.

I'm your man.

See you, Lars!

- Hi.
- What the hell do you want?

- I want to show you something.
- No. We're not doing this, Frank.

Christensen! Two seconds,
and I'll leave! It's important!

It had better be, Frank.

It's a truck with all our books.

If you don't want it published,
then of course it shouldn't be.

Do with them as you please.
Hi, Cille.

What are you doing?
Why are you letting him leave?

Frank, come back!
He's your best friend! Come back!

- Yes?
- It's me!

- Hi.
- Hey! Hi.

Uhm... awesome, with the books.
Great job.

Okay. Well, if you don't want it
published, then it shouldn't be.

Seriously, Frank. Let's move on.
I have no problem forgiving you.

- Yeah? Well, I forgive you, too!
- That's where we're at now, right?

Let's be mature about this
and move on! Great!

And Frank, I have an idea.

I'm looking at the truck
and doing some calculations -

- and there's 30M kroner's worth
of books in that truck!

Now that we're friends,
the book should be published!

- Come over.
- I'll be right there!

- We'll drop off Cille at Iben's.
- Sure!

Great, CC! Bye.

- Can I drive it?
- Yes! Drive!

Shut up, and let me focus.

Cheers!

Don't say anything about the truck.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.

Hey, you.

- I'll call you, Dad.
- Yes, do!

- So... Merry Christmas.
- Yes, Merry Christmas.

- Your hair looks great...
- Shut your fucking ass!

You throw her in the arms
of a bunch of pedophile bastards!?

What the hell, Uncle Frank!?

I'm shocked
at your general unfitness!

As a father, as a human being.
As everything! We're done! Totally done!

Yes. So... yes.

Fuck you.

- What now?
- Another 500 meters then turn right.

We're here!
And Frank, I'm so impressed with you.

And it's awesome
that you forgive me, too.

Yes, of course.

The Phoenix stunt, damn! The fact that
I had my dick inside Mia for 5 seconds -

- would've been too much
for most men.

- What?
- You left to get condoms.

I stuck my dick in Mia to keep it hard,
you know.

- You had your willy inside Mia?
- Yes. For five measly seconds! Jeez!

- You're a crap friend!
- You fucking suck, Frank!

What the hell did you do?

- Ulrich! It's Frank!
- Ask Casper!

Is that my 30 million down there?
Get those books up! Now!

- You're an asshole!
- Wait till I get my hands on you!

I hate you!
I hate you!

- You can sit here and relax.
- Yes, that's fine. Hi.

- I'll come get you in about 30 minutes.
- Yes.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

That dog looks just like Jack.

It licked my ass in LA.

I never told you that...
Okay, fair enough.

Battle Cat... as it turns out,
we never went to school together.

He claimed that we...
And I did have trouble recognizing...

He was just some guy I met in a bar,
and then somehow...

So I am your oldest friend!

What... uhm...

We're on our way to my parents'
to celebrate Christmas...

... and we just wanted
to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Thank you.
And a Merry Christmas to you, too.

- Fie, did you have a present for Dad?
- This is for you.

Sweetie...
I don't have anything for you, honey.

This makes me so happy, sweetie.

How are you?

We miss you a little bit.

I miss you, too, honey.

It was wonderful to see
Mia and the kids.

It was just what I needed.

Look what I figured out.
I stole the work shift schedule -

- and tonight, December 24, all the
nurses without children are working.

Obviously, those with kids are at home.
So, all the nurses working tonight -

- are horny as hell.
So, I got my hands on this fella.

We get them tipsy
and have a Christmas hush-hush.

- Come on, Frank. We need a good time.
- I'm done with the hush-hush.

- Why?
- It's overrated.

It's Christmas Eve! Jesus's birthday!

Yes, but shouldn't we
tone down the hush-hush?

I'm doing one of them for damn sure.

- Good evening.
- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas right back at you.

Did you hear that? 'Merry Christmas'.
'Merry Christmas'. Look at that...

I'll take the one in white, Frank.
They're going into room 2!

That's our cue, Frank.
Let's get 'em. Come on!

- Our cue?
- They don't have kids! I have wine.

- Come on!
- How is that a cue for anything?

- It's halfway inside already!
- No...

- They went into room 2! I have wine...
- I'm not coming.

- Come on, Frank!
- No!

Hi, hi! I was wondering,
may one enter room 2?

- Certainly.
- Absolutely.

Okay, I'll have a glass!
Just the one.

Casper, I'm coming!

- Look, Frank.
- Huh?

Look.

Wow!

Hi, Malthe.

You can walk.