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1 (Slurping)

Who called this family meeting? I can't just sit

and watch Jenny sip a Bloody Mary all morning.

_

I don't have time for this.

I have a PTA auction I need to organize with a bunch of ladies

who couldn't find a tail on a four-assed cat.

That's on top of the million things

on my usual to-do list.

And I'm out of town for a couple days,

so you have to bring Emery to volleyball.

Don't forget his kneepads and a bottle of lemon water...

He likes lemon water.

Eddie: Hit it, G-mah!

♪ Holla, holla ♪

♪ Anybody just ready to get dollars, dollars ♪

♪ Ladies know who can get 'em a little hotter, hotter ♪

♪ Come on, if you rollin' with me ♪

- ♪ Follow, follow ♪ - Why did I feel the need to drive in?

Because I'm street legal.

I finished my Driver's Ed,

and I can finally get my driver's license.

All right.

(Chuckles)

Oh, wow!

(Laughs)

I knew he was gonna drive in.

I saw him setting up.

- Don't make it about you, Dad. - It's his day.

♪ Holla, holla ♪

♪ Anybody just ready to get dollars, dollars ♪

♪ Ladies know who can get 'em a little hotter ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Sync and corrections by btsix www.MY-SUBS.com

I have never seen you this excited for taco day before.

I'm just practicing for my driver's license photo.

What do you think?

You look like a dad on a roller coaster.

Your driver's license photo is forever.

You want to convey confidence.

Step inside the mind of a bouncer.

I'm sorry, I'm just really excited

about getting my driver's license.

You're excited? We're excited!

You're gonna be the first one of us with a license.

And a van big enough to drive us all around.

I regret nothing about that moped.

Except crashing it.

Think about all the things we'll be able to do

once Eddie can drive.

We can drive through a car wash.

We can drive through a bank ATM.

Guys, we can drive through a drive-thru.

- Oh! - And most importantly,

we can drive to the Insane Clown Posse concert.

I've been sleeping with those tickets

under my pillow for a month.

Those Juggalo chicks are gonna go wild

when they hear that I walked away from a moped wreck.

♪

Oh, hey.

The PTA is fundraising for a new computer lab,

and I need a moneymaker

that's gonna push this auction over the top.

How do you feel about

a "win a date with the PTA president"?

Sure, whatever, anything for the kids.

Do you think I need to bring floss on this trip?

No, right? Marvin will probably bring some.

- He's a dentist. - Remind me again

why you're surprising Marvin with a trip.

Marvin's been straight out since the baby came.

He and I are due for some boy time,

and there is no better place than

the annual Chili Con Conference in Panama City.

(Sighs) You're right.

I can't auction myself off.

The auction thermometer only goes to $10,000.

All right, who's taking me to the DMV?

- It's time to get laminated. - Sorry, I'm going to surprise

Marvin with a trip to Chili Con.

If you don't want to take me, that's fine.

You don't have to lie.

I don't lie about chili. I eat it.

Moms, you feeling like a DMV run?

Nope. I already have to take Emery to volleyball,

Evan to fencing, pick up some groceries,

and run this PTA auction to build you a new computer lab.

Come on, Mom, I can't do donuts

around the Mervyn's parking lot on a computer!

We can't just drop everything because you have something.

We'll get to it eventually.

The DMV isn't going anywhere.

(Door opens, closes)

Ah, I'm gonna grab the floss just in case.

♪

- You ready? - (Chuckles)

The anticipation's killing me, Lou.

(Both laugh)

Where are we going?

- I love surprises. - I know.

It's like you think something's gonna happen,

then something completely different happens.

Yep. Please tell him, Louis.

- (Gasps) - We are going

to the Chili Con Conference

in the heart of the Redneck Riviera,

Panama City. I scored us passes

that get us into the cornbread after-party.

Oh, the Chili Con Conference...

Whoa!

I'm glad you're as pumped as I am

because I booked us a double room at the Airport HoJo.

They have an indoor pool.

- Ooh. - Oh, that does sound amazing.

- Right?! - You got room for one more?

'Cause this sounds too good to pass up!

- Wait, what? - Chili?

My two favorite guys? The open road?

You're checking all my boxes, Louis.

It might be nice to have someone who can go on

a late-night antacid run for us

in case we blow it out. (Chuckles)

Well, I only have two passes,

and they were pretty hard to come by.

Oh, I don't need a pass.

I've seen Dave Matthews over 40 times.

I've never bought a ticket.

Um, well, what about Maria?

Oh, we found this great new babysitter.

It's a he!

But I only made two aprons,

and we're leaving right now. There's no time for you to pack.

Oh, I have a go-bag in the car.

Panama City! Ha!

Let's go, bitches!

(Laughs)

(Chuckles, sighs)

How about some tunes?

No radio, it wastes gas.

How 'bout some air back here?

No vents for me. I'm cold.

'Cause you're wearing that skimpy outfit.

If you were playing a gentleman's sport,

- like fencing... - Gentleman's sport?

Volleyball is played in the royal court!

Can we get a fact check?

Fact... You guys are lame.

(Sword twangs)

Ow! Evan hit me with his needle sword.

It's an epee!

(Both grunt)

- Stop! - If you don't knock it off,

I swear I will turn this car around.

You missed the turn for the DMV!

I'll take you after I finish my errands.

I'm your firstborn.

I should be your first priority.

Oh, you are.

I have to buy groceries so you can eat,

return your white-people-are- bad-at-jumping video

before we get charged, and then

plan a PTA auction to raise funds for your school.

This list makes no sense.

The DMV is right there. You could take me now

and still have time to finish all this by dinner.

Gah, Mom, why do you have to make things harder?

It's so easy.

(Exhales sharply)

Fine.

Let's go to the DMV.

♪ Yeah ♪

I'm finally free!

Yep, you're free.

Free to do all this...

But, Mom, I'm supposed to hang with the crew tonight.

You can still spend time with your ragtag group of friends.

- How? - You told me I could have this

all done by dinner.

You said it was "so easy" for me.

I see what you're doing here,

and I accept your challenge,

if you could even call it that.

Great. Well, now I can spend

all my time on the PTA auction.

- Fine. - Great.

- Fine. - Great.

- Fine. - Great.

- Fine. - Great.

- Fine! - Great!

Okay, Meatball.

We've got a lot of work to do

to fix whatever it is you did to the PTA fundraiser.

It's Jamie.

I brought meatballs to the HOA once.

And you don't have to worry

because I found the crown jewel of our auction...

My homemade baby-corn earrings.

They're farm-to-ear.

Those will raise one dollar.

We need a big-ticket item,

and I've already taken care of it...

George Foreman's prototype outdoor grill.

Only one in existence.

It uses methane as fuel.

I also have a snap-pea anklet.

Everyone looks great in green.

Okay, whatever it is you're working through,

- I need you to get to the other side... - (Door opens)

- ...before the auction. - Boom, suckas!

Oh, you did everything?

Told you... easy.

He even got to my fencing practice early.

Saw him gabbing with all the other moms while he waited.

Turns out, Shelly's cat died the same day her husband left her.

Her goldfish better watch out.

These things happen in threes.

Not in my family.

(Voice breaking) It happens in fives.

Wait. Where are the groceries?

They're there.

Nope. They are not.

(Sighs) I forgot.

I tried on Evan's mask, and I couldn't get it off.

I-I must've gotten distracted.

We'll just pick them up tomorrow.

Tomorrow has its own to-do list, as does the rest of the week.

What do you think those are?

I never really look over there.

I just go fridge and I'm out.

Well, the fridge is empty,

and those groceries were for dinner tonight.

If I go to the store now, I'll miss hanging out with my friends.

- You want your brothers to starve? - No. Fine.

I'll just whip something up with the stuff we have here.

(Sighs)

My first one with his license.

Thinks he runs the world.

Ugh, I remember when Jamie Jr. Got his boat license.

You did not want to be a duck on that lake.

♪

♪

Whoo! Chili Con '99!

You did it. You got right in here

without a badge, you little minx.

Oh, it wasn't hard. No one was even checking,

which is a shame 'cause I was really looking forward

to breaking out the old Honey flash-n-dash.

- What? - Oh.

You pose for a picture with the ticket guy

and then when he's blinded by the flash,

you dash inside.

- Right. Thank God. - Just what I thought it was.

- (Chuckles) - Hey, Marvin, check out this chili.

It has your favorite pepper in it... The ghost pepper.

Yeah, I see it there on the chalkboard.

All right, two samples for the ghostbusters?

(Chuckles) We'll try not to cross our spoons.

- (Chuckles) - (Chuckles)

Mmm.

Hotsie-totsie. She's got a kick.

- Hit this, Marv. - Ooh.

Oh, careful, rookie. This is the big leagues.

Mmm.

Meh, I've had hotter.

Uh... well, then, I'll just wait for the next one.

Want to save my taste buds for the really hot stuff.

- (Chuckles) - Hey, uh, Honey,

we're gonna be on this chili train for a few hours,

so if you want to go get a nap in, no one would blame you.

Can't just eat for two, gotta sleep for two, am I right?

- (Chuckles) - Are you kidding?

I am wide awake. (Chuckles)

Hey, you know, actually, a nap sounds like a pretty good idea,

and you two seem to have everything under control.

- (Chuckles) - Whoo.

But you slept the whole ride here.

I never hit REM, Louis.

Hey, show her the bread section.

She loves bread.

Looks like it's just us.

So tell me about this bread section.

It's over there where the bread is.

♪

Dinner is served, losers.

Mmm, this is great.

Ramen and cut-up hot dogs?

No, thank you. I'm not gonna taint my palate.

Tomato season's coming.

Hang on, I'm not even done yet.

No cool ranch for...

Hmm, oh, well.

(French accent) Bon appétit, losers.

(Normal voice) That's French for "losers."

I'm gonna go hang out with my friends.

Wait, what about the mess you made?

This is a one-pan meal at most.

I had a few misfires.

- Well, you have to clean it up. - Me?

Why are you always on me?

Evan and Emery just got a free, delicious meal.

- Ha. (Scoffs) - Make them clean it up.

I'm supposed to go hang with my friends.

Sorry, Eddie, it's a school night.

You will see your friends tomorrow.

Besides, I need to drive Meatball home.

She rolled her ankle.

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey, hey!

- You ready for some breakfast chili? - Where's Marvin?

He knows they start the burners at 8:00 A.M. sharp.

"Air Force One."

Marvin has a hard travel rule

that if "Air Force One" is on TV at a hotel,

- he has to watch it. - But this is our trip.

We're supposed to spend the day slinging beans,

fighting heartburn, fanning our tongues!

Oh, I-I'm sure he'll be down in a bit.

In the meantime, there is a German ladle manufacturer here.

The seminar is called "Ladle-weiss."

You know, like from "The Sound of Music"?

Yeah, sorry, it's hard for me

to enjoy a chili pun without Marvin.

Oh, don't take it personally.

He just needs a break.

- He said he's all chili-ed out. - "Chili-ed out"?! (Scoffs)

Once, I saw him get a bloody nose,

but it was actually chili coming out.

Well, he'll get a second wind.

Come on, we can still make the seminar.

Better ladle than never.

You know what, save me a seat.

- I'm gonna run to the restroom. - Whoof.

Chili Con bathroom? Brave. (Chuckles)

♪

Marvin: Oh, come on, Clinton!

Give us a wave.

Chuckles)

(Gasps)

- Marvin? How could you? - It's not what it looks like, Lou.

No amount of sour cream could wash out the taste of betrayal!

But...

Lou!

♪

Hey!

- Where do you think you're going? - To the concert with my friends.

- I got permission weeks ago. - That was before this happened.

Whoa, you've got puberty all over your face.

It's not zits! It's hives!

Apparently, he's allergic to cool ranch chips.

Well, how was I supposed to know that?

Well, now I need to take Emery to the doctor,

which means you have to take Evan to his fencing tournament,

pick up the grill, and drop it off at the PTA auction.

I can't. I promised my friends...

This wouldn't have happened if you had picked up the groceries

like you said you would.

My name is Inigo Montoya,

you killed my father, prepare to die.

- Mommy takes a different way. - Well, I'm not Mommy.

Walter: Can we get a little AC back here?

Yeah, my makeup's starting to bleed.

I wouldn't mind some hype music to get me in the zone.

No radio. It wastes the gas.

And you'll get plenty of music once I get Evan to his match,

drop the grill off at school, and get us to the ICP concert.

Can someone explain to me what "ICP" is?

Hey, Eddie, can we pull over?

- My bladder's singin'. - Mine, too.

- I need to rain sunshine. - Savages.

This George Foreman grill is jabbing my sides.

Like boxer, like grill.

- Still not feeling any airflow! - If you don't knock it off,

I swear I will turn this car around!

♪

Aw, hell no.

Walter, give me some of that clown makeup.

We're going straight to the ICP concert.

(Boys chanting "ICP!")

Don't do it, Evan.

Don't stress-sweat into your whites.

(Cheers, shouting)

(Glass shatters, music plays in distance)

Technically, this could be considered kidnapping.

Eddie: First, kids can't kidnap.

Second, this is Florida.

And third, I promised the crew I was taking them to this concert

long before I was saddled with you.

That guy's throwing punches with a needle in his arm.

Seven clowns just came out of that one porta-potty.

- Is that a pierced... - Yes, yes it is.

Someone's gonna die tonight! Yeah!

(Indistinct shouting)

Evan, stay close to me.

Evan?

Evan?!

Evan!!

Okay.

Stay right here.

People will donate more when they see how sick you look.

But I feel fine.

(Quietly) Don't tell people that.

The auctioneer is here, and he's warming up.

Mommy made me mash my M&M's.

Unique New York, unique New York.

Each leech must reach the beach.

Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.

- Where do they find these people? - That's my husband.

I'm sorry. My boy is so sick.

Oh. Well, I don't mean to upset you more,

but the George Foreman grill isn't here.

What?! Damn it, Eddie!

- That was our big-ticket item! - Don't worry.

My jewelry box is in the trunk,

and I've got a green bean necklace

that's a real pocketbook-opener.

Ooh!

♪

Wow, Chili Con and Paisley Fest on the same weekend?

You guys must be raking it in.

Hey, Lou.

I've been looking all over for you.

Why? So you can run off and eat chili alone again?

- I can explain. - No need.

I knew you weren't all "chili-ed out."

Why have you been avoiding me?

It's not you, Lou. It's me.

I just found out I have a medical condition,

and I was too embarrassed to tell you.

I have the E.D.

- E.D.? - E.D.!

That's why Honey joined our boys' trip.

You guys are working through your erectile dysfunction

and wanted to try and spice it up.

Erectile dysfunction?

No! If anything, I have the opposite problem.

(Chuckles) No, extreme diverticulitis.

E.D.

Ohh. (Chuckles)

- (Chuckles) - Wait, what?

My intestines can't process small beans and seeds.

But I just caught you eating chili.

Yeah, Texas chili...

- beanless. - Ugh.

Yeah, it's a sad substitute for real chili.

But why didn't you tell me?

Well, you put so much thought into this trip,

and with the second baby coming,

who knows how much time we'll have to hang out?

And Honey came along just so she could run cover for me.

Still, I'm your best friend.

- I would've understood. - Yeah, well...

the doc said my E.D. is caused by

Szechuan peppercorns.

- That's the fourth alarm in my chili. - Yeah.

I caused your intestines to fail?!

(Stammering) That's not the way to look at it, Lou.

The way I see it, it's a... It's a badge of honor.

I've beaten every chili in the world,

except yours.

I'm sorry I gave you E.D., buddy.

(Both laugh)

But we'll find something new.

- The world is our oyster. - Yeah.

(Gasps)

The Oyster Boysters!

- (Laughs) - Huh?

- We'll keep thinking. - (Both laugh)

Paisley Fest!

Flash-n-dash works every time.

Evan!

(Indistinct shouting, glass breaking in distance)

Evan!

Evan. (Stammers)

Excuse me, have you seen a small kid

wearing all white, holding a sword?

There's a kid who pointed out a spelling error

- on my concert tee. - That's him!

Yo.

Do you know where the nearest bus stop is?

Dude! You cannot walk away like that.

You scared me to death. We're going back to the van.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Look around. We're in hell.

You're my responsibility, Bro.

Doesn't seem like it.

Seems like you only care about what you want.

Oh, really? I've been driving you around the past two days.

I even made you dinner! Never even heard a thank you.

Do you hear yourself?

Mom drives you around every day.

She does everything for you.

She took you to get your driver's license

and you didn't say squat.

Don't worry, I never thanked my mom,

and I turned out fine.

Come on.

I need to find the guys so I can tell them

I'm taking you to your fencing tournament.

We don't need to look that hard.

(Indistinct shouting, glass breaking)

I don't need to pee anymore.

I can't believe it.

Thanks to Eddie, we're stuck with this hot garbage.

And now for the big-ticket item of the night...

Handcrafted vegetable jewelry,

which has taken over my home office.

Our model, Jamie, is sporting a pair of baby-corn earrings

to match her cherry tomato watchband.

Do I hear an opening bid?

Let's start the bidding at $10.

$10, bidder looking. $20, $10. Bidder looking, $20.

Come on, folks. Open up your wallets.

This is for the kids. I need an opening bid

at $5, $6, $7, $8, $9, $10.

$5, bidder, bidder, looking for $10.

$5. Kids need a new computer lab.

We're losing money here. Just $5, folks.

(Stamps foot, sighs)

- How about $4.75, $4.50? - Okay, can it, Meatballs.

(Feedback whines) Sorry, folks,

that was just a glimpse into the last five weeks

of my life planning this night,

but now for the real big-ticket item of the evening...

A date with me!

You and I will enjoy dinner

at a five-star restaurant of my choosing

for no more than an hour.

We won't talk sports, religion, politics, or pop culture.

I will be reading a book. Of my own choosing. That I wrote.

Okay, let's start the bidding at $100,000.

(Imitating auctioneering)

This is for the kids, folks.

And I'm gonna talk fast... (Imitating auctioneering)

(Door opens)

There you are! Okay, Meatballs, you're back in.

Where have you been?

I went to the concert with my friends.

- What?! - And then I came back here.

I know I've been complaining about everything

you've made me do the past two days,

and then I realized you've been doing this for me

- my whole life. - That's what being a mom is.

Yeah, I didn't realize that

until I drove a mile in your shoes.

So, thank you.

I didn't mean to heap all that on you,

but I want you to understand what responsibility really is.

I'm sorry I made it so difficult.

You're not any more difficult than Evan or Emery.

I know that you think I'm harder on you than them,

but that's just 'cause you're the first.

Anytime you're figuring out something new,

- so are we. - So I'm a trailblazer!

Your father and I call you a guinea pig.

Fair.

In the future, I'll try to make it easier.

Mm. I can't promise that I will.

- Thank you so much. - Were you auctioning yourself?

(Sighs) Yes.

I'm sorry you had to witness those jackals

fighting over your mother, but let's see

how much these horn-dogs pay for a grill.

Auctioneer: This is an XL grill. Let's see XL prices.

$150, bidder, bidder. Looking at $150 right here.

$175. Good! $200, there. $200, $225, bidder looking, $250.

♪

(Indistinct talking through speaker)

Can I get two large sodas?

Diet for me. Trying to watch my fencing figure.

Do we think it's safe to eat fish here?

They better not be out of curly fries.

- Pigtails. - Make sure they put

plenty of ketchup in the bag.

What are you, the Queen of England? It's ketchup.

Guys, just give me your order! We don't have all night!

Can I get a cheeseburger? Cheese on the side.

Anyone wanna go halfsies on the soft serve?

- I only like the cone. - Oh, I should get my mom fries.

Walter: Ask if they have any old burger buns.

- Seagull bait! - Don't get too attached to your order.

This place will blow it.

- Last time I came here... - I don't know how you do it.

I yell a lot.

Sync and corrections by btsix www.MY-SUBS.com