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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,274
Mum, Mum, Mum!
— Shit!
2
00:00:03,080 --> 00:00:06,197
Why can't I do anything right?
— Because you don't do anything right!
3
00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:08,033
MIRI: Maybe it's in the car
and it fell out of your pocket?
4
00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:08,910
I'm sure I had it.
5
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,712
Shit!
— It was my wife!
6
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:13,273
DOM:
Fuck, you're 70!
7
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:14,679
Viking!
8
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,554
You look terrible. But you’re mine.
9
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:18,430
I know.
10
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:22,510
Hello.
11
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:23,749
You killed someone!
12
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:24,955
You’re married.
13
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,274
Ah, fuck!
14
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,119
Even best friends have secrets, Mandy.
15
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:30,434
How do you know my name?
16
00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,516
Hello, Mr Boback.
17
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:54,870
Hi, Billy.
18
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:56,636
Hah.
19
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,279
Bush, it... it smells funny.
20
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:02,233
Oh! |'l| remember to wash it next time.
Stinky old bush, ha.
21
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,909
Hah, no, it's—it's, uh...
it's got powdery mildew.
22
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,315
What... what, your bush?
— Oh, no, no, it was a joke, um...
23
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,952
about my, um... it doesn't matter.
24
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:12,834
I'm sorry, have you got...
you got a smelly bush?
25
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:14,598
Just because you said that yours was...
26
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,036
Mine's got an actual disease, Miri.
— Yeah, no, um...
27
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,196
l was really happy
that you were talking to me and, uh...
28
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:23,277
and so then I, | just panicked
and I made a really shit joke.
29
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:24,310
Oh!
30
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,030
HE LAUGHS
Oh, I see I get it, the...
31
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,431
Yeah, no, there's nothing to get,
cos it's not even slightly funny.
32
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,200
But what I really meant to say was,
it's nice to see you
33
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,596
and it would be great if we could maybe,
I don't know, hang out again one day.
34
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,312
Have an ice—cream. As friends.
35
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:44,079
Because I had a really nice day with you
and I, and I hope that you did too, so...
36
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,675
Can I think about it?
— Of course. Yeah.
37
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,871
Right, |—| better...
— Yeah, sure.
38
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:51,949
Sure.
— Gonna go.
39
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:54,435
Ugh, bush.
40
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,438
It's ten o'clock in the morning, Caroline,
my—my porridge hasn't settled.
41
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,077
Ow!
— Oscar.
42
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:01,755
You need to relax.
43
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:02,869
Oh, I am relaxed.
44
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:04,510
Oh!
45
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,315
Bloody hell. What are you doing, Caroline?
46
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:08,469
I'm-I'm just trying to...
47
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:09,396
It tickles.
48
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,873
HE LAUGHS
— Relax.
49
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:11,750
OK.
50
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,118
HE EXHALES
51
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,838
HE FARTS
— Oscar!
52
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:19,870
I'm so sorry.
53
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,437
I will not be defeated by a fart.
54
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,679
ANNA:
Hello there, pretty girl.
55
00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:48,710
Hi.
56
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:55,673
I saw you and Billy making amends
and I want to apologise too.
57
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,439
l have a jealous streak.
58
00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,672
I really appreciate that.
Um, and I'm so sorry too.
59
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,073
I had no idea that you guys were...
60
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:03,959
Let us never mention it again.
61
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,509
It's hard, isn't it, life?
62
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:08,790
Yeah.
63
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,794
How are you?
— Um, I'm good, thanks.
64
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,791
Fresh start. New beginnings.
65
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,956
Well, it's, um, it's a lovely day, so...
66
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,479
Isn't it? Crisp.
67
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,749
Ah, there's nothing quite like winter sun,
is there?
68
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,353
Mm. How are you?
69
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,592
Oh, I feel fabulous. Thank you for asking.
70
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:26,629
Oh, I'm so glad.
71
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,234
Light as a feather.
72
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,670
Clean as a whistle, inside and out.
73
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:31,590
Oh!
74
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,234
I do wonder though, sometimes.
75
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:35,715
Oh, what do you wonder?
76
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,558
I wonder what it's like being a harlot
77
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,276
slut, killer.
78
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,834
A man—stealer.
79
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,315
Cunty head.
80
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:49,031
Um...
— A great, big fat fucker—fuckity—fucker.
81
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,990
Alright, you're obviously having a bad day,
so I'm—I'm not gonna take offence.
82
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,189
Oh, I'm very well.
83
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,151
Right now, never been better.
84
00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:01,190
Just a woman in her prime,
taking a good, hard look at a psycho
85
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:07,071
husband—stealing fuck—biscuit
casually bathing her sin in the sun.
86
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,550
Wow.
— While she should be rotting to death
87
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:10,589
in a prison cell.
88
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:11,709
That's really nice.
89
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,070
Look, it's not working,
|—| need to get back to my...
90
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,314
No, it's been too long.
91
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:19,270
We need to make it part of our routine,
like porridge.
92
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:20,909
Porridge?
— Yes.
93
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:22,310
But a bit sexier.
94
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,473
ANNA (VO):
Slut fucker.
95
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,233
Shit slit.
96
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,675
Sorry, can you just stop it now? Stop it.
97
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,188
Rot. Rot, rot!
98
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,636
Dirty little prison killer.
99
00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:37,877
You don't know anything about me.
Just leave me alone.
100
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,114
Stop being so mean.
101
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,630
I know you've got a great, big hungry pussy
and nobody wants it.
102
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,308
Not my husband. No one.
103
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,432
You will always be alone!
104
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:50,078
Oh, fuck off and die!
105
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:55,190
Anna?
106
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,318
Anna? Oh...
107
00:04:58,880 --> 00:04:59,710
Anna?
108
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:02,589
POLICE RADIO CHATTERS
109
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,550
CAROLINE:
Poor woman.
110
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,068
I never got to know her.
111
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,158
Now we definitely won't. Huh.
112
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,314
Hello, Tina.
— Mrs Matteson, Mr Matteson.
113
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,830
Um, Miri Matteson, can I have a quick word?
114
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,677
Actually, I'm a bit late for work, so I'm...
115
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,109
OFFICER ON RADIO: Apparently the deceased
was talking to that psycho
116
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,116
that killed Chief Inspector Boback’s girl.
117
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,798
Yeah, I'm—I'm with her now, Rick.
118
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:28,273
So, uh, apparently you were
the last person to speak to the deceased.
119
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,788
Yeah, we, we, uh... we did converse, yes.
— Right.
120
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,876
What was said?
— Uh, so we had a chat.
121
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:34,433
Yeah.
— Yeah, what did she say?
122
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:35,515
Said it's nice weather.
123
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,278
Well, yeah. Yeah, it is lovely.
124
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,788
So I said "yes, it is,"
and then she said it was crisp.
125
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:40,796
"Crisp."
— Yeah.
126
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,353
Yeah, it is crisp.
— Mm—hm.
127
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,871
Uh, yeah, she seemed really, very lucid.
128
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,468
Interesting.
— Yeah.
129
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,999
Um, but then she sort of changed tack.
130
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:50,950
OK.
131
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,434
Sort of conversationally,
it went in a different direction.
132
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,757
OK. In sort of, for example...?
133
00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,677
"Slut, whore, shit slit
134
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:01,676
dirty little... uh, husband fucker
135
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,438
rot, rot in prison, you killer
136
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,391
killer, killer, killer, killer, killer
137
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,591
killer... killer."
138
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:08,556
Stuff like that.
139
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,311
Right. Anything else?
140
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,269
Um...
141
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,355
Come on, it is important.
142
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:16,073
She said that I...
143
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,548
she said that I had
a great, big greedy pussy, so...
144
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:20,430
OK.
145
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,678
Is that true?
— What?
146
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:23,755
Sorry, what? No!
147
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,110
Alright, calm down.
It... it's a fair question.
148
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,070
I am calm.
149
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,476
Right. And, um, what was your response?
150
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:33,314
SHE MUMBLES UNDER HER BREATH
151
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,510
No, what I mean...
Did you say anything to her before she died?
152
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:37,629
Uh, "fuck off and die."
153
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:43,039
But, so... I'm aware that doesn't...
doesn't sound very, very good.
154
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,197
No.
— But you can see how I got there.
155
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,435
You know, I just... I snapped.
— Snapped, right.
156
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,152
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
157
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,355
No. Oh, my God.
158
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,879
No, no? Or yes?
— List... ugh.
159
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,674
No, well, yeah, no, but just, this is, uh...
Can I just say that this is incredibly...
160
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,796
This is really rubbish for me.
161
00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,229
TINA:
Worse for her.
162
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,994
Well, let's just see
what the coroner's report says, yeah?
163
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,109
Oh, come on, you can't...
164
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,879
like, you know, like, with words,
that's just...
165
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,192
Ah, sticks and stones will break my bones
but words will never hurt me.
166
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,151
OK, well, we all know that isn't true.
167
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,598
"Tina Tiny Tits,
you're so weak, you're a freak."
168
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,470
So you smile through your tears
and you just say "words'll never hurt me."
169
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,158
And then, um, and then you become
a policewoman with a truncheon
170
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,838
so, uh... I'll be in touch, yeah?
171
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:26,790
OK.
172
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,356
Billy, I can explain everything.
173
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:32,674
BILLY:
Just leave me alone.
174
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:34,674
MIRI:
I'm so sorry.
175
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,875
Oh, Christ.
176
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,788
Billy, I'm not a bad person,
it was just a very...
177
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,235
a very unfortunate coincidence.
178
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,195
Shit.
179
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,352
POLICE RADIO CHATTERS
180
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,355
What?
Show's over, go and have your breakfast.
181
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,039
NATHAN:
Ah, you found me then.
182
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,114
I'm so sorry, I had an awful morning.
183
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:09,994
Thanks for coming back.
184
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,914
80, um, what happened to the shop?
185
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:13,870
This is the shop now.
186
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,992
Yeah, it's much better.
187
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,390
Nimbler. You can't drive a shop around.
188
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,314
Are you sleeping here?
189
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:21,714
A bit.
190
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,876
It's fun. It's like bivouacking.
191
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,911
Oh, my God, it's because of me.
192
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,873
Look, it's not easy having a murd...
193
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,468
murderer or murderess, which do you prefer?
194
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:33,635
Neither.
— Um...
195
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:34,790
A "killer"!
196
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,390
Uh, front of house, puts people off
197
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,152
Anyway, they will come round.
198
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,236
It's not like you're gonna be killing
anyone else, is it?
199
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:44,953
Ah...
200
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,194
Arr...
— Oh, fuck.
201
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,231
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
202
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:49,599
Don't panic, don't panic, no.
203
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:50,669
No. Look.
204
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,189
She was my neighbour, she was very, very old.
205
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:57,313
We were just talking and... she died
206
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,431
but it's absolutely fine, it's fine.
207
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,674
Not for her.
— No.
208
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:01,835
Obviously not for her.
209
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,871
Having the grim reaper for a neighbour.
210
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,632
It was a tragic coincidence.
211
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,910
Maybe you should warn people,
carry a scythe or something.
212
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,071
Actually not fair, that's not...
— OK.
213
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:10,996
...very nice.
214
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,190
Ah, shit the bed.
— Are you... are you OK?
215
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,229
It's all too much.
216
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,592
Are you alright?
— It's all too much, Miri.
217
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,676
MIRI:
Just breathe. Just have a little breathe, OK?
218
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,434
HE SIGHS
— Nathan...
219
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,673
you need to fire me.
— Nope.
220
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,353
Just do it.
— I can't.
221
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,516
Then I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna fire myself.
— But I don't want you to.
222
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:31,629
Wait there, wait a second.
223
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,838
lN DEEP VOICE:
Miri, you're fired.
224
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,791
Oh! Oh, well, that's fine.
225
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,791
Thank you so much
for giving me a chance, Nathan.
226
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,239
lN DEEP VOICE:
It's alright. Bye, Miri.
227
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:40,395
It's done. It was really easy.
228
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:45,117
You're like Paul McKenna, making me do that.
— That's what they say.
229
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:48,915
You could be me.
230
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:50,356
That's true.
231
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,068
Bye, Nathan. Good luck.
232
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:55,509
Keep your pecker up.
233
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,354
Anything?
— No.
234
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,798
Think of me with another woman, hm?
235
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,073
Imagine I may be rubbing cream into her.
236
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,070
Oh, uh...
237
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,188
No.
— What?
238
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,595
I saw that dead woman.
— Oh, think of someone else.
239
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:14,516
Well, who?
240
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,116
Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly.
241
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,269
More dead women?
242
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:22,029
Oh...
— Look, maybe we just, uh, squidge it in.
243
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,752
Oh!
— I'm sorry...
244
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:30,719
|—| really want to, | just...
I just don't know why I can't.
245
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,673
Don't worry, darling. We'll sort this out.
246
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:35,396
Together.
247
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,754
Stop stalking me.
— You killed your neighbour's wife?
248
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,074
MIRI:
No, I did not.
249
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,758
MANDY:
Well, you're trending on local Twitter.
250
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,074
Oh, for God's sake.
251
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,959
I'm only getting in cos I don't have a phone,
don't get excited.
252
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,753
Ugh... give it to me.
253
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,957
Oh, God, this is ridiculous,
|—| didn't do anything.
254
00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,517
Who was that weird guy asking questions
about you yesterday, with the beard?
255
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,999
I don't really know,
some kind of investigator.
256
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,871
Oh, my God, who are these people?
— Investigator?
257
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,354
I don't like him. He's creepy.
— Oh, social media is evil.
258
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,109
Miri, you're not listening.
259
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:11,675
He creeped me out, I think he wants
to turn us into the Human Centipede.
260
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:12,869
People think I've killed someone
261
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,638
so I've got slightly bigger things
to worry about right now.
262
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,870
Well, have you ever seen the Human Centipede?
263
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,310
No, but l—l read it, | read it, like,
on Monday he has a plum
264
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,669
on Tuesday he has an apple,
then he eats a bit more fruit
265
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,075
has a bit of cake, turns into a butterfly,
flies away.
266
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,953
To be honest, I would absolutely love
to be him right now.
267
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,157
That's the Hungry Caterpillar.
268
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,510
Oh, right, what's the Human Centipede?
— It's...
269
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,909
when your mouth gets sewn
to someone's arsehole.
270
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,390
Oh! Oh, oh, that's a bit more concerning.
271
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,590
Yes, it is.
— Listen, can you do me a favour?
272
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,716
I need to get my neighbour a present,
can you lend me some money
273
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:43,478
and just drive me, drive me to a shop?
274
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,792
I mean, I do actually have a staff meeting,
which, um...
275
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,469
it means fuck all, so, yeah, why not?
— Yay!
276
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,071
It's like the old days.
— What is?
277
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,758
You and me on an adventure.
278
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,038
We never went anywhere.
— Yeah, we did!
279
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,435
Spliffs on the beach, the arcades...
280
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:00,509
the Co—op.
281
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,994
My main memory is me waiting
a few feet away while you got fingered
282
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,270
in pretty much any location
by pretty much anyone.
283
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,197
Can you drive?
— You'll have to get down.
284
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,471
Why?
— No, seriously, I can't be seen with you.
285
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:10,954
Oh, for fuck's sake.
286
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:11,830
Down.
287
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,075
Why?
— Lower.
288
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:14,396
Ugh.
289
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,475
You know, to help with things... down there.
290
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,471
Canesten pessary for thrush?
291
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,636
To encourage firmness.
292
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,108
In the stool?
— No!
293
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,275
You know.
294
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,076
They're blue.
— I'm sorry?
295
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,759
For men... downstairs.
296
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,951
Bruised testicles.
— Viagra!
297
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:35,588
SHE WHISPERS:
Bloody Viagra.
298
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:37,951
No. Sorry, we sold out.
299
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,753
They've sold out. Everyone old is having sex.
300
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,473
Oh.
— OSCAR: You!
301
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:49,149
CAROLINE:
Oh, my God.
302
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:51,908
SHE GASPS
303
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,196
Hey, man, I'm just getting nappies.
304
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:02,314
Fucking scared of you...
305
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,751
I fired her and... and she went nuts.
306
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,116
She threatened me,
she said she was gonna do something
307
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,397
something bad, she said.
Uh, probably tonight.
308
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:16,759
TINA ON PHONE:
Like What, sir?
309
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,348
I really don't know. I really don't know.
310
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,391
And what’s the name of this angry woman?
311
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,396
Miri Matteson. That's her name.
312
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,198
Big surprise. On it, sir.
313
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,116
Thank you.
314
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,435
Shit.
315
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,112
Do you think I should get him a card as well?
— Sorry, don't talk to me.
316
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,913
l... I can't be seen with you.
— You're just gonna leave me?
317
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,279
I need to get my wine.
318
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,431
Oh, my God! It's you.
319
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,268
Yes.
— You know, my mum is your biggest fan.
320
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,275
Really?
— No.
321
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,473
She does not like you. You're a murderer.
322
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,114
And she says you dress funny.
323
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,598
Great, can I just...
I just wanna buy a plant——
324
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,232
Did you wear that in prison?
— No, can I just...
325
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:00,508
can I buy this, please?
— This plant?
326
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:01,550
Yeah.
— No.
327
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:02,589
I wanna buy it.
— No.
328
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:03,868
Please can I buy it?
— No.
329
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:04,836
Phil Sollen.
330
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,114
Hello, Miss Munther. Hi.
331
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:08,958
Are you still being a nasty little bully?
332
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:10,996
Uh...
333
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:12,470
Yes, miss.
334
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:13,999
Do you know what happens to bullies?
335
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,072
No, miss.
— Do you want to find out?
336
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:18,869
No.
— No.
337
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,720
Now stop being a disgrace
and you serve this woman.
338
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:25,434
SCANNER BEEPS
339
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:30,993
That's £4.99...
340
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,429
So I take it you were
a bit of a wiener at school?
341
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:34,590
Not a wiener.
342
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,837
It was really nice
watching you suffer a little bit
343
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,598
cos you're a bit of an arsehole.
344
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,071
That was amazing!
I like your headmistress voice.
345
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:44,950
Shut up.
— Oh!
346
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,115
Sorry, Miss.
MIRI CHUCKLES
347
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:02,914
Why don't you hate me?
348
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,592
I do. A bit.
349
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:05,790
Good.
350
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:08,272
But I have a part to play in this.
351
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,591
I haven't been a husband to you lately.
352
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,517
Oscar, please.
— No, but it's true.
353
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,115
It is over. I ended it.
354
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,597
For better or worse.
And this is extremely worse.
355
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,874
But we've been through so much together,
we can do this.
356
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,753
We start again, as of today. Reset.
357
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,911
We will love one another and endure.
358
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,393
SHE SIGHS
359
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:52,630
What are you doing?
360
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:57,753
Magazines in the fire paper pile.
Toxic fumes, very harmful.
361
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:58,949
I've been meaning to...
362
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,830
Caroline, I... we have a, um...
363
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:02,756
Ahem.
364
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:04,559
Oh, God.
— I think I'm, uh...
365
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,719
Ha! I—I—I... keep going, keep going...
go on, don't...
366
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:09,549
Go on, go on, yes.
367
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,836
Yes, yes, keep going.
368
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,512
Whey—hey!
HE LAUGHS
369
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,633
Don't you have kids to go home to?
370
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,514
I find parenting much easier after this.
371
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:23,710
Oh.
372
00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:27,670
So, uh...
373
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,393
Mr Bush Man,
is he someone you'd wanna, um...?
374
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,112
No, it's not... well... that.
375
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,830
Agh, it's not like that.
— THEY CHUCKLE
376
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,634
Are you still a virgin?
377
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:42,833
No.No.No.
378
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:44,518
It's... there, there was Dom.
379
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,630
Oh. That was just the tip though, wasn't it?
380
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,319
Yeah, no, but he got most of it in
and then he pulled out and he...
381
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,910
and he came on my, uh, Jamie Oliver poster,
which I don't...
382
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,513
I don't think that was... intentional.
383
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,755
Christ.
— But it was just next to my bed.
384
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,313
THEY LAUGH
385
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,113
That's your definitive sexual experience.
— I know.
386
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,515
Oh, Dom is... is a dirt bag, I mean...
387
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,033
He'd jizz on anything.
— Really?
388
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,229
Mm.
— Oh...
389
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,070
Yuck.
390
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:15,514
It's so weird, I thought that my life
would be, like, 90% fanny
391
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,632
10% other stuff but it's just not been
about my fanny at all.
392
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,315
I've maintained an 80—fanny,
20—other—stuff ratio.
393
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,316
That's really impressive for a headmistress.
— Yeah.
394
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,839
THEY CHUCKLE
395
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,678
It's not that easy dating when everyone
thinks you're a psychopath.
396
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:30,670
I don't.
397
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,116
Why was she so angry with me, Mandy?
398
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:40,918
I used to just lie awake
trying to work out what I'd done.
399
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,679
Lara could be like that though.
400
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,593
Oh, come on, this was different.
She was... she was feral.
401
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:46,993
She bit me, for fuck's sake.
402
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,712
Yeah, well...
403
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,472
Do you think she's looking down at us,
laughing at our shit lives?
404
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:55,390
Probably.
405
00:17:59,000 --> 00:17:59,955
I miss her.
406
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,437
MANDY SIGHS
Me too.
407
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,113
I really miss you too, you know.
408
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,798
I... I have to get back home.
409
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,110
Oh.
410
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,151
Wait! My bush is in your car.
411
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:31,636
Hang on.
412
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,788
HE KNOCKS
413
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,633
KNOCK ON DOOR
414
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,196
Hey, I need to speak to Miri.
415
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:41,878
She's not here.
— Miri!
416
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,712
Miri! I need to explain.
417
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,637
I mean, there's literally nowhere
she could be hiding——
418
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:48,556
Miri!
419
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:50,839
Mate, she's really not here.
420
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,675
Hey. Have you got any chips?
421
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,918
Have I got any chips?
— Yeah.
422
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,076
In my fish and chip van?
— Yeah.
423
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,075
What a question.
424
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,632
Um, no, I don't, actually. Um... Or fish.
425
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:06,836
Miri...
426
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:08,553
And no Miri either.
427
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,239
I'm kind of busy and...
— DOM GROANS
428
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,194
DOM YELLS:
Miri!
429
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,076
Chips!
430
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:28,635
Hey.
— Hi.
431
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,990
Sorry, I just, um, I got you a...
a non—diseased bush.
432
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:33,999
Wow. Oh.
433
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:35,436
Are you OK?
434
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:40,878
Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm a bit shocked,
but in a way
435
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,148
I—I suppose that's the way...
436
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,074
everyone wants to go, isn't it?
437
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,476
Is... is it?
438
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,512
Yeah, you... you lead a full life,
your heart just stops, no pain
439
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,915
no suffering, you... you're peaceful.
440
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,110
Oh, I feel so dreadful.
— No, no, come on.
441
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,635
No, but I shouldn't have risen to it,
she wasn't well and I was...
442
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:56,954
I was so awful back to her.
443
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:58,355
She shat in the box.
444
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:00,550
What?
— The—the—the shit that you got.
445
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,634
Oh, my God, so she, she's the one
who graffitied the house too?
446
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,990
No, no, she just posted shit to people
that she hated, that was her thing.
447
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,473
That's why I don't talk to my mum anymore.
448
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,992
All—all the other stuff, that was, uh,
that was probably the whole of the town.
449
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,678
Oh, brilliant.
— SIREN WAILS
450
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,190
Oh, God.
451
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,151
Who's...?
— Well, it's probably Tina, isn't it?
452
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,111
Oh.
— Yes, it's Tina.
453
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,230
Right, Miri Matteson,
you need to come with me.
454
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,679
Uh, no, I'm sorry, hang on.
455
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,473
He will tell you that it was her heart,
I had nothing to do——
456
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,829
Yeah, yeah, it was, it was her heart.
— TINA: Oh, no, this isn't that.
457
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:30,710
What?
458
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,360
OFFICER ON RADIO: You won’t believe it, Tina,
it’s Miri Matteson again.
459
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,674
Yeah, yeah, I'm on it, Rick.
460
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,317
Listen, I know no one likes being fired
461
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,914
but to light a fire after you've been fired
462
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,191
that's just showing off with words.
463
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,112
And arson.
— What fire?
464
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,993
Excuse me, what—what, what's she done wrong?
What's this about?
465
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,237
Oh, hi, sorry, I didn't see you
standing there behind this massive criminal.
466
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,077
Come on.
— Oh, my God, what is happening?
467
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,076
What's happening?
— Right, you were fired today.
468
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,269
No, I fired myself.
469
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,158
OK, that doesn't even exist.
— It does because I did it.
470
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,428
Oh, II| did it."
471
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,198
That sounds like a confession to me.
472
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,556
No, to firing myself, not to... not to arson.
473
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,910
Oh, so you're a police officer now, are you?
— No, I'm not a police officer.
474
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,916
TINA: Yeah, right, well, I am,
18 months and counting.
475
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,032
Not even very long.
— It's whizzed by. Seems shorter.
476
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,519
Anyway, come on, get in the car.
477
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,471
But I haven't done anything.
I haven't done anything.
478
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:19,839
Oh, I see!
479
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,111
Sticks and stones
might break my bones, but ooh!
480
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,277
I won't get arrested for setting fire
to my boss' food truck.
481
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,788
I didn't do that. I didn't.
Look, let me speak to Nathan——
482
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:29,512
Do you know what happened
to the girl that cried wolf?
483
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:30,788
It was a boy and he got eaten.
484
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,752
Right, OK. Well...
485
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,430
Do you know what happened to the liar?
486
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,712
No, because...
— Well, liar, liar, pants went on fire.
487
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:41,909
Oh, my God.
— Come on, come on.
488
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,837
That's not even a thing.
— Yes, that is a thing.
489
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:50,994
PHONE CHIMES
490
00:21:58,720 --> 00:21:59,914
PHONE CHIMES
491
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,193
KEYS JAN G LE
492
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:23,753
PHONE CHIMES
493
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,030
VOICEMAIL:
You have one new message.
494
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,272
MANDY: lknow who you are,
so stay the fuck away from me.
495
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:37,669
/ mean it.
36395
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