All language subtitles for Taskmaster NZ S01E01.eng

Ta-da!

Oh!

Nutsack!

Welcome along. This is Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells,

and for all intents and purposes
of this licensed television format,

I am the Taskmaster.

For 10 weeks, five
comedians will seek my approval

by doing things
I've asked them to do.

Why are they doing this?

For attention, I suppose.
Some probably need the money,

and all of them want this

my golden head,
made from pure golden paint

and a hugely uncomfortable moulding
process. I sure hope it was worth it.

Competing for this magnificent
trophy, we have:

Angella Dravid

Brynley Stent

Guy Williams

Leigh Hart

and Madeleine Sami.

These equally talented
and desperate comics

have been performing tasks
for me at our secret location.

No one knows how each other did,
and we're about to find out.

I will judge them on these tasks and
mercilessly rank them from best to worst.

Assisting me along the way, mainly because
his schedule is much lighter than mine,

is my close confidante
and 2IC, Paul Williams!

Banter here.

We're meant to talk there. It just
says 'banter'. That's where we banter.

- It just says 'Banter here.'
- Yeah. Banter is you and I talking.

Does this count as banter?

It is bantering, basically.

Well, it's been an
honour bantering with you.

Now, full disclosure, Paul is,
of course, Guy's brother,

which is either a piece of casting designed
to create a fun sibling rivalry dynamic

or merely a reminder that New Zealand
has about eight people in it.

Now, Paul, please spare me from any
further admin and explain the first task.

Our first task is a prize task.

The contestants have each been asked
to bring along a thing.

Jeremy will decide
who has brought the best thing,

and the overall winner of tonight's
show will take home all five things.

Right.
Quite an elaborate system, isn't it?

Not really. It's very straightforward.

But tonight, we've
asked each contestant

to bring in the best thing
they can't live without.

The most un-live-withoutable
thing wins.

All right.

Let's go in the revolutionary
style of left to right. Angella!

- you're up first.
- Um, I brought

my anti-anxiety medication.

Quite a lot of anti-anxiety
medication by the looks of it.

Yeah, I, uh, forgot to take them today.

I really hope for the sake of
the show that you win today.

Same.

Brynley, what have you brought in?

Um, I brought in my partner,
Adam Brown.

Whoever wins tonight
will take home your partner.

Yeah, I thought maybe just for an evening.
He's good fun to hang out with, so, um...

I will need him back, though.

Right. This is not just
some really elaborate way

to break up with someone?

Guy, what did you bring in?

Well, it's well known that I
caught the Invercargill poolpooper.

You're welcome, New Zealand.
And for doing that great task,

Sir Mayor Tim Shadbolt gave me
the key to Invercargill City.

Wow.

It was later found out
that I caught the wrong guy,

but I still got to keep the
key, and what a massive

prize that would be for
anyone who wins that.

Congratulations, Guy, on being the first
contestant on New Zealand Taskmaster

to start his own applause.

Yeah!

No? Ok.

Leigh, what did you bring in?

Yeah, look, I just want
to say, before I tell you,

I know it's the first episode. I
really hope I don't win tonight now,

seeing what's been offered up
already, but, um...

Except Angella, of course.
That wasn't bad. What...

What I brought in, I don't want to give it
away either, which is weird.

It's my electric guitar.
You might see a photo here,

and it's got a bottle opener
attached to it, you see?

That's good!

Which is, it's just one of those things,
and you'll see a lot of signatures

- on the guitar there as well.
- Who signed it?

Well, Elvis Presley, um,

- Jimi Hendrix.
- What?

John Lennon. Who else is dead?

I don't know who signed it, actually. A lot
of people, in a haze, signed it,

and I don't know who they are now.

- People in a Purple Haze, eh?
- Yeah!

Mads, what did you bring in?

The thing I can't live without
is floss.

Wow.

Don't clap!

It's so boring!

Yeah, non-branded floss
is what I can't live without.

Yeah. I have a bit of a thing where I hate
the feeling of food in my teeth, and, uh,

that is- I'm boring myself
just talking about it, but

it is a thing I cannot live without.
Ironically, I don't like wearing thongs,

which has a similar
It has a similar effect.

But you don't get food
stuck in there.

Oh, sometimes.

I'm a huge floss user.
I have a very popcorn-heavy diet,

and, um, I have
my shirts customized.

The buttons are stitched on
with floss in case of an emergency.

Well, they are too.

Look at that.

Wow!

This is an emergency, yeah.

I might have a little
go of that afterwards.

Very smart.

Well, I've got, like,
six more buttons, so,...

I've got to bring myself back in here,
Mads, but if I'm giving up electric guitar

and you're giving up a
thing of floss, non-branded...

Brynley's giving up her boyfriend.

I think he gave up first.

All right. Let's score it, eh?

Angella look, playing fast and loose
with prescription medication is dangerous,

and I don't like people
messing around with pharmaceuticals,

so I'm just going to give you
one point for that.

Leigh, two points. I think the key
three points, but only just.

And four points for
you, Mads, and then I

think five points. I
mean, it's a big sacrifice.

- Thank you.
- It's a huge sacrifice.

Ok.

So that puts Brynley in first place
and Angella in last place,

but don't worry. There are 49 more tasks
to do across the next 10 weeks,

so, Angella, still an outside
chance of making a comeback.

Shall we take a look
at our first proper task?

Let's do that, eh?

This first task, very much like the rest
of the show, is an absolute masterpiece.

The people's champ is here.

Whoa!

Ooh, lucky I didn't go too fast.

Ok.

This is quite trippy, eh?

It's like an eye exam
in a nightmare.

All right. Let's do it.

Ah.

'Take one of these letters.'

Ooh! Decisions, decisions.

I'll take this one.

- Hm?
- 'Take one of these letters.'

Yeah, you've got to take
one of those letters.

Let's go with... S.

I'm going to take D.

D'you know what? I'm going to be
really smart about this.

Real intellectual. It's what I'm
known for as the people's champ

and I'm going to take a M,
because it could also be a W.

- What have you gone with?
- M.

- Why did you choose M?
- Dunno. No idea.

Cool. I'll take a T.

Yeah, I thought you had
another task, didn't ya?

- What? Did that make sense?
- No.

'Make a sculpture of something,
starting with your letter.

'You may only use items starting with
your letter to construct the sculpture.

'Best sculpture wins.

'You have 20 minutes.

'Your time starts now!'

Ok!

First thing that
comes to my mind...

is dick.

Which is funny, given that
I'm married to a woman.

I'm not gonna do a sculpture of a dick.
I probably wouldn't do it justice.

Believe in yourself, Madeleine, and I
reckon you could do a dick justice.

Did I ever do a dick justice?

All right. Should we examine
some sculptures then, Paul?

All right.

It's worth remembering that our
contestants had a whole house full of items

from which to find
their building materials.

First, I've grouped two of them
together.

Here are the beautiful creations
of Guy Williams and Angella Dravid.

I might go upstairs and have a
look and see what starts with a T.

- Ok.
- Yeah.

Hello. Got a melon, got some
mustard and some of those mandarins.

So, I got toilet paper,
a three, tea, tape, and a teapot.

Ok, and I'm going to make a...
monster, or something.

So, I'm going to make up a sculpture
of Tina's torso with toilet paper and tape.

- Oh, no. Man, this is hard to cut.
- What is that?

- Am I not allowed to use a knife?
- Well, what does the task say?

'You may only use items
starting with your letter

to construct the sculpture.'

Ok. All right. Can't use a knife.

Oh, I've already cut it now.

Ah, well. Who gives a shit?

Ok. Maybe I'll put
a t-shirt on it.

I guess I gotta, like, smash it on the
side of the thing, do I? Quite violently.

That's yum.

- What did you use the teabags for?
- Um, the...

tits.

- So, what are you doing there?
- Just eating some watermelon.

- Who's Tina?
- Uh, she's in witness protection.

She doesn't really
want to be talked about.

Oh, sorry.

You'll notice I'm using my M
my mouth to make this.

I haven't incorporated the three.

Are we allowed to
show three on TVNZ?

I think so.

All right. Yarr!

- Is that the mouth?
- Yarrrr!

Or just the whole head
at this point.

Oh, maybe it's, like,
a torso with thighs.

Yeah. There you go.
I've done a monster

made out of mandarins, watermel-melon,
sorry. Just normal melon.

And I surrounded it in mustard.

So, I've used tape,

toilet paper, and teabags to
make Tina's torso with a t-shirt,

and these are her thighs
and she's wearing how a thong.

- How do you think that went?
- Bad. I'm a 32-year-old man.

What part of this
would I be proud of?

- I'm going to go. Thank you.
- Ok. Thank you, Angella.

Thank you, Guy.

And thanks very much
to the watermelon.

That was good, Guy!

Guy, you thought you
were a genius because

you used a letter M that
could be used as a W.

Yeah.

And then, you then used a
melon that could have been a W.

Watermelon.
You didn't think of that?

- No, I did- no, I did not.
- Angella, I was slightly concerned.

- Your sculpture didn't have a head.
- I did say it was a torso.

Yeah, but you do realise
by not having a head

on a sculpture like that,
you can be beheaded.

I wasn't thinking that,
cuz that's

it starts with the letter B.

I just went straight
for Tina's torso.

Why was Tina
in witness protection?

Uh, she was afraid of being
beheaded.

Right. Well, now it's
time to make three minutes

of television out of
something starting with A:

Advertisements.
We'll see you very shortly.

Welcome back!

Paul, please explain what I
just welcomed everyone back to.

It's a television show,
and the show is called Taskmaster,

and right now, our contestants
are making sculptures

of different things
starting with a letter,

using only things
starting with that same letter.

Here, we have Leigh Hart,
who has bravely chosen the letter M.

I'm guessing it's not
a clay kind of thing,

cuz that
doesn't begin with M.

Or is it a W?

No, it's an M. Ok. Uh...

What are you hanging
these things on?

What is this thing here?

This is what we call
a makeshift pole

for, um, art and things like that.

- What's that?
- This is a musical tambourine.

Opposed to a...?

A non-musical one.
Just, you know, your straight...

So, what I'm doing here

probably a good time
to bring you guys in on it.

This is an ode to music,

called...

'Music.'

We've got the musical guitar,
the musical tambourine,

the musical headphones,

where we listen to so much
of our music nowadays,

the musical xylophone,
the mannequin hand,

or the musician's
hand double M there

and all put together tastefully
on a makeshift music stand.

As a bonus, I can get that there
if I want.

You know, sometimes,
it's just best to leave it.

Da Vinci didn't just keep
fiddling with the Mona Lisa

every morning, did he?

I don't mean that. I don't
I don't- not the model.

I mean, um, the work. Once he
pinned it, once he'd painted it.

What would you say to someone
who says that's a guitar?

I'd say it's a musical guitar,
or a musical instrument, is it not?

I'll just leave you
guys with it for a while.

- Ok.
- Maybe just take it in.

- Thank you, Leigh.
- Thank you, Paul.

Leigh, you called
that an ode to music.

Yes, I did.

Looked to me like a hatstand
with no hats on it.

To you. Art is one
of those things, isn't it?

It's in the eye of the beholder.
That is an ode to music.

What musical instruments
were on there?

Everything he had
on the makeshift pole

was a guitar, a tambourine,
earmuffs, a hand, a ukulele,

and are you familiar with
an instrument a marimba?

- A marimba? Yes.
- Yes.

Yes.

Well, he didn't have that.
He had a xylophone.

It's hard to get a marimba
at short notice.

And did any of those items
start with M?

Yeah, just whether you go
musical instrument counts.

This might be a good time
on behalf of the other, uh,

'contestants' if you want
to call them that, is, um,

I was under the impression this game
was how we interpret things,

and at the early stage of the
series, it'd be good

you know, we're going to be using
our brains in different ways,

and if we nipped that kind of
creativity in the bud now...

we might as well leave now.

It was a hatstand!
It was a hatstand.

In Leigh's defense, in Sudanese,
a hatstand is called a mastaka.

It does start with an M.

Well, I thought that was a given.
I thought everyone knew.

Who's up next?

Up next, let's take a
look at some sculptures

from the twisted minds
of Brynley and Madeleine.

You may only use items
starting with your letter.

D. The letter D.
Items that start with D.

Dishcloths.

I've got some things.

The other word that's
come into my head is dandelion.

I've got salt and sugar,
strawberry jam, spaghetti,

string, superglue, and a sieve.

Now, I just need to figure out
what to make.

I'm just gonna look for things
that start was D.

- 14 minutes.
- Ok.

We'll use the brown sugar as
the base, because it's quite sticky.

Found some ducks. It'd be cool
to do a dandelion out of dinosaurs.

S. Squirrel?
I could make a squirrel.

- This is a desk. That's part of it.
- Ok.

This is quite easy to mold,
so maybe I will make a squirrel.

What's an adhesive
that starts with D?

Duct tape!

- How long have I got, Paul?
- Six and a half minutes.

Ok. Let's give him some ears.

Wow.

Ooh!

This is going to be the grass
at the bottom.

40 seconds.

He just needs a face.

10 seconds.

Gotta get a couple of
leaves on there. Little Dino leaf.

- Stop. Stop. Put the dinosaur down.
- I did. I have!

- Take that last dinosaur off.
- No!

- I'm not taking it down.
- I'm taking it down.

Can you talk us through
what you've made?

A beautiful squirrel made out
of sugar, salt, strawberry jam...

Wow!

...string, spaghetti,
superglue and seaweed.

I've made a dandelion
out of ducks, dinosaurs

and duct tape and a desk.

Does he have a name?

Hmm. It should start
with S, shouldn't it?

- Sriracha.
- Sriracha the squirrel.

- Thank you, Madeleine.
- Thank you, Paul.

- Thank you, Brynley.
- Thank you! Bye, Sriracha.

- That is so cute.
- That's a cute little squirrel, Brynley.

That's a great squirrel.

- That's a cute squirrel.
- It is cute, isn't it?

Put it in the Louvre!

- Terrible name, Sriracha.
- Why is that a terrible name?!

- Well, it's a Thai sauce, isn't it?
- Yeah!

Could have been
Steve. Sriracha?

No, no. We shouldn't call our
animals human names.

Because if you have a kid,
you can't call your kid Sriracha,

but you can call
your squirrel Sriracha

and people won't bat an eyelid.

My son Sriracha is not gonna
want to hear that.

Should we have a look at the sculptures

- so we can judge them?
- Uh, yes.

So, we have...

- Whoa!
- Oh, wow.

...a Tina, a squirrel, a monster,

an ode to music, and a dandelion.

Amazing. You put a frame around something,
it always looks good, doesn't it?

It's pretty clear for me that Brynley's
Sriracha, despite being terribly named,

is the best sculpture. I think
everyone would agree with that.

And I think Guy, actually,
surprisingly, came in second...

Yes!

...with his monster.

- People's champ.
- Go monster.

Madeleine third
with the dandelion.

Angella, I think you come in fourth,

and, um, Leigh, you're
last, because there's no

Are you serious?

Well there's no, there's no M's.

Look, Jeremy, I've made a lot of
shit TV in my time,

and most of it's been with you,
actually, and, uh

I was kind of hoping it wasn't going
to go down this- look at that.

And now that we're
two tasks deep, I guess

it is time to have a
gander at the scoreboard.

Brynley is out in front
with a perfect 10 points.

Angella and Leigh lagging behind
with only three.

Not to worry, though
still plenty of time left.

All right. What's next?

We're going to wash down that last
task with a round of lovely drinks.

- Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Guy.

Hello, Angella.

- Hello.
- Hello.

All right.

What have we got here?

- Ooh! Hello.
- Hello, Madeleine.

I was saying that to the cocktail
shaker, but also, hello to you.

There we go.

'Create the fanciest cocktail.

'You may only use ingredients
that rhyme with each other.

'Bonus points may be earned
if the vessel also rhymes.

'You have five minutes
to plan your cocktail,

then 10 minutes to make it.

'Fanciest cocktail wins.

'Your time starts...

'now.'

Ingredients that rhyme
with each other.

What do you normally put in it?
Rum, and...

Yeah, no. I just got rude words.

Ok. Well, the fanciest thing
is caviar.

Money? Oh, let's do money.
That's fun.

Money, honey, bunny.

- What is bunny?
- Bunny rabbit meat.

Cream, Beam

Jim Beam.

Gin, mandarin,
with some thins.

- What are thins?
- Thins. The chocolate biscuit,

to be served in a tin
inside of a bin.

I've got caviar,
fine cigar, lacy bra,

cancer tar? Like, the tar that
goes in your lungs from cigarettes

and gives your cancer.

I'm going to be drinking
the drink.

Ok. I'll take out the
cancer tar just for you.

Stay smoke-free, New Zealand.

Cream, Beam,

steam, cuz you'll end up steamed,
I'd say, if you drink this.

So, cup can go with syrup.

7 Up?

Runny chocolate, gummy bears,
honeydew melon.

And drink it out of a machine.
That'll be good.

What kind of machine?

Oh, might be something
like a leaf blower or something.

Get it down quick. You'll probably
want to too when you taste this.

Ok. Nunnie a picture of a nun.

I would like a picture of Whoopi
Goldberg in Sister Act.

- So, what have you got?
- Syrup and 7 Up in a cup.

Ok, and that's everything?

Yep.

That sounds good!

I am very skeptical about these
cocktails. Syrup, 7 Up, cup.

I mean, does syrup rhyme
with 7 Up?

Both my parents have English
as a second language.

I'm feeling it down there.

It's like a regular Lil
Wayne down the end there.

Sizzurp, syr-up, in a cup.

Fill it up. Yum, yep, yep.

I'm concerned about
what you're doing, Brynley,

with the rabbit meat.

Yeah, the cocktail's
got raw rabbit meat in it.

So, you know it's meant
to be a fancy cocktail?

That was the idea.
A fancy cocktail.

Don't believe it said 'fancy'
on the task.

It did.

So, I'd love to inspect
these beverages, but

it's time for you at home
to fix yourselves a drink,

rhyming or otherwise, because
right now, we're taking a break.

We'll see you in a moment.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Paul Williams, what treats
are we enjoying at the moment?

Our contestants have
been making cocktails

with ingredients that rhyme.

While a treat to watch, drinking
them was more of a mixed bag.

Who have you got next for us?

First up, with a simple and
arguably effective cocktail,

it's Angella Dravid.

- Hi.
- Hello, Angella.

So, what are you doing again?

So, I've got 7 UP
and pineapple syrup.

- Do you like pineapple?
- Second favourite fruit.

- Pineapple?
- Mm-hmm.

No.

Yes, it is.

- Your second- mine or yours?
- Mine.

Oh, sorry.

Oh! Do you reckon I can make this
fancier by doing some cool shots?

I mean, like, um, slo-mo, or...

Can I do that to fancy it up?

- Yeah.
- Cool.

It really sounds
like someone's pissing.

It's delicious.

Is it cuz of the it
reminds you of piss?

I've never drunk piss.

I have.

I was going to ask you a whole lot
of questions about your drink,

but now, I need to ask you questions
about the time that you drank urine.

- How?
- No, I...

I haven't drunk piss.

Did you not say that
you have drunk piss?

No!

Ok. Paul said that, um,
the sound reminded him of piss.

He said it was quite
delicious, and I said,

'Is it because it
reminds you of piss?'

But I haven't personally drunk piss

knowingly.

I like that you just retold
what we saw.

But just stopped retelling
it before it got to the part

where you said you'd drunk piss.

I, like...

Did I say I drunk piss?

- Yeah, you did.
- Yes.

Jeremy, if we find out
that she has drunk piss,

will you be taking
points off her?

Oh, I think I was joking.

I've drunk my own piss.

I did it on a radio show
because I thought it'd be funny.

And afterwards, people were like,
'Why didn't

you just use some,
like, Sprite or something?

'Because it's radio and no one can
even see what you're doing anyway.'

Obviously, I should have done that.
I'm an idiot,

but I was interested
what it tastes like.

I was just kind of salty
and gross and warm.

Well, yeah, at least I know now.
Science.

I think we need to move on.
Who's next, Paul?

Next, we have three
total pissheads

- Madeleine, Guy, and Brynley.
- Yeah!

All right. Here we go with
the gin, the mandarin,

the or-in-ge, the thins,

the tin, and the bin.

Caviar, German car,
fine cigar, lacy bra.

Honeydew melon, runny chocolate,

bunny, money, nunnie,

honey, gummy bears.

I've just realised that

I didn't actually order
any alcohol or liquids.

In no way in this does it say you need to
make a cocktail drink, does it?

No, a cocktail is
by definition a drink.

I don't think it is. Google it.

- How long have I got?
- You've got 4.47.

God, it takes a long time to get
up those stairs.

I don't know if I have time
to cook the rabbit.

'Cocktail: an alcoholic drink
consisting of a spirit or spirits

'mixed with other ingredients
such as fruit juice or cream.'

- What dictionary are you using?
- Oxford Dictionary of English.

All right. Well, anyway, that's
a shoddy, iPad dictionary,

fake news piece of shit.

Ok. In she goes.

This probably also
isn't that healthy.

- Two and a half minutes.
- Two and a half minutes?

Ooh, there we go.

It's kind of quite fancy
that, like, it doesn't have

any liquid in this cocktail.

Really, it is fancy.

Why don't I serve it in the melon?
Yeah!

- 12 seconds.
- Well, this is too high for me.

Bon appetit.

Here's your drink, sir. Godspeed.

- What's that for?
- It's a straw.

- Delicious.
- Can I try it?

If you want to.

- I don't love it.
- It's caviar.

Sorry it's not a
Woodstock bourbon, mate,

but this is what
rich people have. Classy.

It's good.
Tastes like orange juice.

You can really taste the notes
of the money.

Guy Williams, fancy people don't
have liquids in their cocktails?

I feel like I nailed it.
I did five fancy things,

and mine was the most
expensive and most beautiful.

Five stars.

Congratulations on
being the first contestant

on New Zealand Taskmaster
to award yourself five stars.

Yeah!

Yeah, well, to be fair, Brynley,
I still think that raw rabbit meat

inside of a cocktail
is dangerous and inappropriate.

It didn't actually taste too bad.

Tried a bit of it. Uh, yeah,
and I think it was safe.

Didn't vomit afterwards or shit,
so we're good. Yeah.

So we got any more contestants?

Up next, we have the
wickedly talented Leigh Hart.

- Hello, Leigh.
- How are you? How are you?

Good, thanks.

Yeah, so, we've got
our rhyming ingredients

the beans and the cream.

What is that?

It's a clothes steamer which I'll
use to steam the beans beforehand.

There we go. Cream, of course.

Beam. Rhymes with cream.
Chuck that in there.

Let's get some of the beans
in there.

It also mentioned there
was bonus points for drinking

the cocktail from a machine,

and I've managed to do that.

Actually, you might want to
put those on as well if you could.

Thanks, mate. I'll give it a pour.
Look at that. Beautiful.

There you go. You just hold that.

- Top up?
- Yes, please.

Actually, you might want to use
the clothes steamer after this.

That might be useful.

Thank you, Leigh.

Now, there's funny,
and then there's cruel, and,

amazingly, Leigh, you've managed to
be both those things on this occasion.

It's all coming back to me,
this one.

And, you know, extra
points as well, because

we were talking about
out of the special vessel.

I feel like if every drink in
New Zealand was served

through a leaf blower,

we might sort of sort
our binge drinking problem out.

It's not what you're drinking,
it's how you're drinking, isn't it?

In terms of scoring,
both of you guys put alcohol

in your cocktails.

- Yes, we did.
- Thank you. Thank you.

You three did not do
that, so if I'm scoring this,

you guys both get
five points each.

Oh!

Well done. And out of these
guys, which one was the best tasting?

Angella's was definitely
the most delicious.

Yep.

It was just 7 Up and
pineapple syrup.

Yeah.

Which I just want to reiterate
is my second favourite fruit,

and Brynley's was surprisingly nice.

Chocolate definitely
overpowered the rabbit.

And Guy's was disgusting.

Can I put my hand
up and call bullshit?

The objective was to make
the fanciest cocktail,

which I succeeded at. He
just blasted some Jim Beam

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hold on. I haven't even
scored it yet! I do not

consider Paul's taste
in cocktails refined at all,

so this is the way
I'm going to score it

three points to you,
Guy, two points to Brynley,

and one point to you, Angella.

Oh.

And Leigh, you get a bonus
point for using the best vessel.

I'm so used to seeing ones
that this isn't a surprise.

All right. We've got two more tasty tasks
to sip on. The digestif tasks, if you will.

They're taking place right here in our
beautiful studio right after this.

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where
five comedians are battling it out

to win Brynley Stent's
soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend.

We've had two thrilling tasks
so far. What's next, Paul?

What's next, Jeremy,
is more tasks.

And if you're on the keto diet,
stop watching now, cover your eyes,

because this next task
involves fruit and bread.

- Hello.
- Hello, Angela.

Hello, knight.
Hello, cow.

- Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Madeleine.

- Hello!
- Hello, Guy.

It's good to be doing fun games

out in a field with
my brother, Paul.

Yow!

What have we got here?

- Is it gluten free, is it?
- Yes.

That's no good to me.

What's that? Roti?

Pineapple,

breads. Yummy!

All right.
Let's get into a task, eh?

'Choose a piece of fruit

and hit it as far as you can
with your choice of bread.

'You must use the first bread
and the first fruit you touch.

'Furthest fruit wins.

'You have three attempts.'

I already touched
some bread and fruit.

You touched the pineapple
and the rye.

- You touched that bread.
- Technically I did.

Um, touched before I read the
challenge, or after.

Does it matter?

- It doesn't matter.
- I'll get that then.

Oh, nutsack.

Nutsack indeed.

Leigh, Brynley, what made you guys
touch the bread?

I can't help touching bread
when I see it.

Who do we have first?

Let's take a look at
the three contestants

who were actually able to choose
their fruit and bread combos.

It's Madeleine, Guy and Angella.

I was thinking French stick.

I'm going to go...

this bread.
It's a little softer than I thought.

I'm going to go with the grape.

I'm going to go...

I think that's an
apricot. That's a shoddy-

where'd you get
this apricot from?

That is a
disgusting-looking apricot.

I grew it.

- No, you did not.
- I grew all of those.

So, I'm going brown bread,
I'm going apricot.

A French stick and an apricot.

- Shall we give it a go?
- Ok.

Yeah, see? Very fresh rye.

What a hit!
Oh, baby, what a play!

Do you mind holding that at
the end of the...?

Valerie Adams Sami, hey?

Does Valerie Adams
throw a shot put that far?

Not as good.

Should have quit
while I was ahead, eh?

This camera is not good
for my cooch.

This tape measure's pretty cool,
eh? Where'd you get that from?

Bought it online.

That's a shame, not supporting
local New Zealand businesses.

It was a local
New Zealand website.

Oh, yeah.
What's it called?

Kiwi Tape Measurers.

Final attempt.

Oh.

No good that one.

God, I think I nearly
put my knee out.

How far did the bread go? Did the
bread go further than the fruit?

Do I get a bonus award
for that, Paul?

- No.
- That's a shame.

Fascinating that two of you

compared yourselves
to Dame Valerie Adams.

Big hero.

Of course, she doesn't
hit anything. She puts a shot.

New Zealand's never had a good
tennis player, so we had to go Val.

- Kelly Evernden!
- No! Is that a real person?

- Kelly Evernden?
- Serena Williams, eh?

She's, um, Sonny Bill's sister.

- What were the distances?
- Ok, the official measurements,

brought to you by the good people
at kiwitapemeasurers.co.nz.

Angella, 13 meters and 8 centimeters.

Madeleine, 15 meters and 47 centimeters.

And Guy with a whopping
20 meters and 46 centimeters.

- And who's giving it a go next?
- Up next, we've got Brynley Stent,

who touched and selected her fruit
before reading the task.

So, what have you chosen?

Well, I didn't choose
it. I touched this first,

and then I touch this next.
Not my choice.

- Do you like pineapple?
- Love pineapple not today.

Hate pineapple today.

Stand back.

Wow. That just decimated
my bat in half.

- Do I get a new loaf?
- No, sorry.

- But my bat's broken in half.
- I only baked one.

You don't need to measure it.
That's insulting.

It's kind of gone backwards.

Hey, that was pretty good!

Pretty good for a pineapple
and a chunk of bread.

- See you later.
- Thank you, Brynley.

Don't hit the grape away, please.

- You should measure that one!
- Not measuring that one.

Well done.

I like the way you
rebelliously ran away

and then delivered it
to Paul. Poor old Paul.

Her last attempt was
actually pretty good.

It was 17 meters, but, um, sadly,
it doesn't count.

No, it doesn't count.

- No.
- Gutted.

So, her distance

was 1 meter 98.

Yeah, not a sportswoman.

And what was her
shortest distance?

-20cm.

Who have we got next?

It's Leigh Hart, who, in
typical Leigh Hart fashion,

couldn't keep his hands
off the gluten-free option.

D'you still think the gluten-free
bread is no use to you?

Well, I'm gonna have to use it.

If I could give any advice to
anyone yet to come on this show,

it'd probably be always
read the question in

its entirety before you
interact with the props.

But now, I don't know.
I think I can still win this.

I may need to think out of the
square slightly one more time

to get this- the grape
which I'll be using as far as I can.

So, just wait for
a second there, um, Paul.

Wow.

This should give me the accuracy
I need, and also the spring.

Very happy with that.

- I didn't really see where it went.
- Let's have a look.

- Definitely saw it come out here?
- Oh, here it is.

Oh, no, that's- oh, sorry.
That's sheep poos.

Here it is!

- 26.13.
- World record, probably.

That'd be a world
record for hitting a grape

with a piece of
gluten-free bread.

- You got two more attempts.
- Don't need 'em.

- Ok. Thank you, Leigh.
- Thanks, mate.

Was he allowed to use
the racket? Like, I would

have done 40m if I was
allowed to use a trebuchet.

He's allowed to use the
racket. There was nothing

in the rules that said
you couldn't use a racket.

You could have gone to
the shed and got the trebuchet.

That's what the
shed's there for.

Enough of this nonsense.
What are the scores?

So, Leigh wins the task
with 26 meters an 13 centimeters.

Which means one point for
Brynley, two points to Angella,

three points for Madeleine,

four points for Guy,
and five points for Leigh Hart.

Well done, Leigh Hart.

So, if the incessant
product placement

of Kiwi Tape Measures
wasn't enough,

we're going to take a break
for some advertisements right now.

There is one task
remaining when we return.

We'll see you in a
couple of moments.

Welcome back to the last bits
of the first episode of Taskmaster.

We have one more task.

The permanent rights to
Brynley's boyfriend is on the line.

- The stakes could not be higher.
- No. No.

Paul, what does our
scoreboard look like?

As the scores currently stand,

Madeleine has snuck into the lead
with 15 points.

Everyone else is right
behind her, apart from Angella,

who is a very
long way behind her.

After our last task, everything
changes, and by everything, I mean

one person will get five points
and the rest will get slightly less.

Ok. Let's head to our live
task stage for a live task.

Paul Williams, would you mind
explaining what on earth is going on?

Well, Jeremy Wells,
it may look like our

contestants are attempting
to flee the country,

but no, it's a live task
happening right here, right now,

in front of everyone.

Brynley Stent, would
you like to read the task?

I would love to read the task.

- Good luck, Brynley.
- Thank you.

'Pack for a holiday. The packed suitcase
that is closest to 23kgs wins.

'If you go over the 23kg limit,
you will be disqualified.

'There is a bonus point for the
most appropriately packed suitcase.

You have 100 seconds.'

So, you're packing for a trip.

You can't go over 23kgs
or you're disqualified.

- Are you ready?
- Yes. Yeah!

You've got one minute left.
One minute.

- Get out of the way, Angella!
- Get out of the way, mate!

You've got 40 seconds,
and your suitcases must be zipped.

Oh, it's not- it's not heavy enough.

20 seconds. They must be zipped.
Zip them up.

Shit. What's over here?

Madeleine, you've
got 15 seconds to zip it.

- Eight seconds.
- Eight.

What did you put
in your bag, Angella?

I'm keen to know
what you had in there.

Ok, so, I had 8kgs
worth of weights in there,

so I knew how much was in there.

Smart. Brynley, I see you took
everything but the kitchen sink.

You were considering
the kitchen sink

and you would have
taken it, but it didn't fit.

No, it didn't fit in the bag, so I took an
octopus costume instead for my holiday.

Guy, what did you put in there?

Uh, I'm well-packed for a holiday. A lot
of heavy books and, uh, a literal brick.

- So, well prepared for a great holiday.
- Yeah.

Leigh, you took
a sledgehammer.

That's the main thing I took
was a sledgehammer. I suppose I was...

going to go clubbing somewhere,
I suppose. I dunno, but uh

And a brick as well. Yeah.

Yeah, I just took
a normal hammer, so...

I was just gonna do
a little bit of clubbing.

- Sorta like a DIY holiday, really.
- Yeah.

All right. Shall we
let the weighing begin?

Yes.

- Good luck, Angella.
- Good luck.

22.5!

- What weight are we looking for?
- As close to 23 as possible,

- but not over.
- Ok.

She just nailed it! Like, how
No one can top that!

I think mine's over.

21.1.

Still very good.

I've been fined for being
overweight many times.

27.2.

I let everyone down.

12.

- 12?
- You've got to remember, Jeremy

I'm actually meeting someone

at the airport who's going
to put some more shit in that.

You want to stock up
on Toblerone as well.

- Ok, Mads. What have we got here?
- Ok. Here we go.

What's she trying
to beat here, Paul?

She has to get

between 22.5 and 23 to win.

- Ok.
- So, it's going to be tough.

23.9.

- Wow!
- Incredibly close,

which means the winner of the
live task, with 22.5kgs

Angella Dravid.

All right, everyone. Take a seat now.
There's a lot to unpack here.

All right, Paul.
How did everyone weigh up?

Well, Guy and Madeline both went
over 23kgs, so no points for them.

- Ugh.
- What?!

But then we have three points for
Leigh, four points for Brynley,

and the clear winner,
five points for Angella.

Who do you think deserves
the bonus point?

Well, for me, nothing says 'Go on holiday
and pack as many things as you can'

as trying to pack in
the kitchen sink,

so, Brynley, I think you
deserve the bonus point.

Plus, I mean, all my best
holidays involved octopus

costumes, so the one
bonus point goes to you.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

And where does that put the
scores for the whole episode?

That means that, by a hair, the winner of
episode one, with 18 points,

is Brynley Stent.

I'm gonna just imagine
that I won that.

Well done, Brynley.
It's been an educational evening.

We've learnt that cocktails
don't need alcohol or liquid,

we've learnt that one should
never, ever underestimate

the power of gluten-free bread,

and most importantly, we've learnt that
Brynley Stent is the winner of episode one

and is one step closer
to taking home my golden head.

Most importantly, she has saved her
relationship. Good on you, Brynley.

Get up there. Enjoy your boyfriend
and the key to Invercargill.

To everyone else, we'll see you
next week. Good night!

I regret doing that.

Oh, fuck!

I gave five comedians a set of tasks to
complete with guts, passion,

and quite often a completely
undeserved sense of self-confidence.

Let's get this party started!

Yeah!

Oh my God.

- Hello, Leigh.
- Oh, Paul. How is it?

Do I have any regrets? Yes.

I don't even know
what show I'm on.

We're reaching
a point of tension.

I have no words for that.

- Thank you, Brynley.
- Thank you, Madeleine.

Angella, Leigh, Guy.

I walk away with dignity.